The Smashing Bumpkins
by sandwichsupernova
Summary: Confusion abounds at the luxurious Smashgrounds! Link and Zelda investigate why they are forced to fight. Mario's alcoholism leaves Luigi in charge and Peach single. Ness is haunted by terrible memories. Mega Man irrationally hates Pac-Man. Samus and Rosalina seek friendship. Ike tries teaching Marth English. Pikachu trolls his former trainer. Rated M for sex, drugs, and language.
1. Welcome to the Jungle

Hey everyone! Thanks for checking out my first SSB fic. :D

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters. In fact, I don't own anything except for my socks.

**Rating:** M for Mature (sexual content, language, drug and alcohol use, violence)

**Warning:** Just to be clear, this first chapter is relatively tame, but there is going to be a _lot_ of sex and depravity in the following installments of what I hope to be a long-running story.

**The Players** (in order of importance, subject to change)**:** Male Villager, Link, Mega Man, Peach, Samus, Zelda, Pac-Man, Fox, Falco, Ness, Ike, Luigi, Mario, Ganondorf, Pikachu, Ash and Red, Palutena, Pit, Sonic, Bowser, Rosalina, Snake, Olimar, Female Villager, Little Mac, Dedede, Kirby, Mr. Game and Watch, Marth, Wario, Greninja, Ice Climbers

* * *

**Chapter One**  
**Welcome to the Jungle**

_It's funny how these things happen. One moment, you're killing time and stocking up on Bells by fishing for barred knifejaws on Tortimer Island. The next, a giant hand comes rushing out from the sky and picks you up. Your memory goes blank, and you forget your name, your birthday, and even the very existence of your friends and family._

_When you next return to consciousness, you're in an arena, battling to the pain with multiple versions of yourself. With nary a word of introduction or even the slightest bit of instruction, the announcer declares, "There can be only one!"_

_There's no escape, either. We're stuck on a two-dimensional plane, and a timer counts down the seconds. Five minutes. Two minutes._

_Balloons are popped. Faces bashed in. Like ragdolls, we fly across the enclosed arena. It is pure chaos. The others fall, slowly but surely, until the last one is bested by a tumbling tree. _

_There's nothing but throbbing in your head when the announcer exclaims, "GAME!"_

_And then it happens again. And again. Countless times. The same old song and dance, only everything's changing and you're growing comfortably numb._

_And then you find yourself on the midnight train going anywhere._

_That's the full-on truth of it: it's all I can remember, and none of it too clearly. The whole damn thing could be a dream for all I know. _

"How's it hangin', stranger?"

The Male Villager snapped from his daze and traded blank stares with the man opposite him on the train car. He was the only other person within a fifteen-foot radius. There was no one else he could have been talking to.

"Wait. Sorry. Where am I?"

"Let me guess. You remember your name and some vague stuff, but no memories to speak of, except for some Glover-lookin' motherfucker in the sky and some lame-ass fights with doppelgangers?"

"How did you-"

"It's the same story all across the board. Disoriented? Have a sip of my Energy Tank."

The Villager took a long look at the pulsing electric capsule and politely declined.

His companion shrugged. "Apparently we're on our way to some place called the Smashgrounds. I'm assuming you got an invite, too."

The Villager checked his pockets. Sure enough, there was an envelope with some sort of invitation to an exclusive tournament.

_A tournament? For what? I'm a lover, not a fighter._

"So, you a boy, or a girl?"

"Huh. What do I look like to you?" he asked.

"A badly proportioned human." Clad in a suit of blue armor, the metallic fellow was of about the same height as the Villager, a seeming rarity in this land of generally taller and slimmer people. "Ya ain't nothin' like me, I'll tell ya that."

"Well, I'm of the male gender by origin, but I consider myself a pansexual."

"I'm sorry?"

"It's kinda like bisexual, except I don't believe that one's birth gender should define one's sexuality."

"Oh. So you're, like, into trannies and stuff?"

"Um, yes. I basically don't have a preference between biolog-"

"How 'bout furries?"

The Villager stole a glance over the way towards where a familiar yellow dog had poked her head out of the train window, tongue flapping in the wind. The scene got him rather excited.

"Well, now that you mention it…"

"Ah! Do tell!" another voice sounded out from down the aisle. A head popped up from behind a chair to reveal a bubbly female with the same proportions as our Villager. Her giant head was just the right shape, without any odd protrusions or bulges, and her huge eyes were spaced at perfect distance from one another.

The man's heart skipped a beat. "H-hello there."

"How about robot animals?" Mega Man grumbled, interrupting the guy's fantasizing.

"Um. I… haven't really thought about it?"

"Good. I don't generally like saying this kinda shit, so I'll only tell you once. Stay away from Rush."

"Rush?"

A rogue-colored robotic dog sprung out from underneath Mega Man's seat.

"Seven hells!" the Villager exclaimed. "I mean, golly gee! Is that a robot dog?"

"Yeah. And you can feed him some oil cans if you like, toss him a gear or two, or even scratch his head, just please. No funky stuff. No peanut-butter covered nuts, no penetration, no tickling. Nothin'."

"Sure thing, Mister-"

"Mega Man."

"Mr. Man, believe you me. I swear to you, on my watch, your cybernetic canine's purity will never be in question. I wouldn't even dream of it."

"Aight, you seem pretty chilled. What can I call you, homeboy?"

"Um."

The Villager looked ahead, past the panting Isabella, towards his female counterpart.

"Excuse me, miss?"

She spun around again, her warm and inviting countenance making the Villager's heart erupt in somersaults of joy.

"Yes?"

"Th-this will no doubt sound incredibly odd, but do you have a name, by chance?"

She laughed. "So formal! I wanted to ask you the same question. See, on my invitation, all it says is 'Female Villager.'"

The other Villager, ephiphanous, pulled out his own envelope and was shocked to see that it was addressed to 'Male Villager'.

"Wait. Seriously?"

"I wish I was making this up, Male Villager. Do you know what the heck this tournament thing is supposed to be about? I brought my bathing suit, in case we got a chance to hit the beach. Have a look!"

She spun around right then and there, changing her outfit instantaneously, and the Male Villager discreetly hid his growing erection.

"N-n-not a clue. But you should probably stick with us, just to be safe."

Ogling her, Mega Man pushed him out of the way. "What he said, toots. There's all kinds of crazies out there. Ya ever need someone to keep ya safe, I'm for hire, sugar."

"Er... thank you, but I think I'm-"

Just then a high-pitched squealing, as that of a Jigglypuff being strangled, kicked in from the P.A. system. The disturbingly wide face of an anthropomorphic frog appeared on the telly.

"I've got someone on my- I mean, all right, folks! Last stop, Smashgrounds Central!"

"Fuck yes!" the Blue Bomber grinned. "I've been on this miserable train for hours! Let's get us some boot-ay!"

The doors opened as the three shook hands. What awaited surprised the hell out of them.

"WELCOME NEW CHALLENGERS!" the banner read, spanning the entire station. A massive crowd of OVER NINE hundred THOUSAND strange mushroom-headed people, upright turtles, frowning goombas, humans, Gorons, Zora, leaf-headed beings, furry creatures of every size and shape, friendly robots, soldiers, cavalrymen, and just about every fictional race under the sun stood applauding and heckling. For whom or what, it was unclear, but as Mega Man and the two Villagers descended to the platform, they were met with loud cheers.

"Holy shit," Mega Man said, his eyes turning wide as saucers. "It's like I'm some long-neglected celebrity who's made a miraculous comeback or somefink."

"Smile and wave, friends," a friendly voice sounded out. Its owner, a tall, long-nosed man wearing a green tuxedo, patted Mega Man on the back. "Name's Luigi. Mr. Man, we've been expecting you for quite some time now. Welcome to the Smashgrounds, sirs and ma'am," he continued, turning to the Villagers. "I'll happily answer your questions on our way to the castle."

The group advanced on a moving platform that flew over the city. The Newcomers couldn't stop gaping at the massive crowd-organism surrounding them like an endless sea of bodies.

"This is insane," the Male Villager said. "They could get crushed!"

"Perhaps temporarily," Luigi replied. "There's no death here. Only pain unending, and for a select few, a slim chance at glory."

"So it's true. We're to fight here?" inquired the Female Villager.

"There'll be a lot more living than fighting," said their host. "At least until we've completed our roster."

"W-what is this place, exactly?" she asked. "It's so odd, yet so familiar."

"You're not the first to beg that question," said a voice from behind Luigi. The Villagers and Mega Man turned to see a bright yellow dude decked out in orange gloves and red boots step off a platform that just floated in. "We're in the process of figuring it out, ourselves. Some say this is a Purgatory, a sort of shared afterlife that we can't get out of. Others believe that it's a mental prison, or else a dream world-"

"It… it's the King!" The Villagers, having recovered from a moment of speechlessness, dropped to the floor and crawled on over to kiss Pac-Man's feet, much to the derangement of everyone else.

"Hey, um… that's really not necessary," Pac-Man said. "Plus, I totes just had these spit-shined."

"Must be a cultural thing," replied Mega Man. "Could be you're a God to them. Or maybe they just think you're a giant-ass lemon. Ya sure look like one."

Pac-Man's brow puckered. "Ex_cuse_ me?"

Mega Man shook with disgust. "Whoa, whoa. I see your beady eyes checkin' out my junk. Your giant mouth's slobberin' like a coked-out toddler snorting pixie stix on Halloween."

After gently patting the Villagers on the back for them to stop and stepping forward, Pac-Man sized up the Newcomer. "Okay, I'll pretend I didn't hear that. We got off on the wrong foot here. Name's Pac-Man. You can call me Pac, PM, Puck, or my birth name, Puckerton. Mr. Man, you'll soon see there's no reason to quarrel on our downtime. We get to do it all the time in _there_."

Pac-Man gestured over the way to a large holographic display in the center of the city, showcasing a live match going on between the Wii Fit Trainer, Kirby, King Dedede, and Greninja.

"They're fighting," the Male Villager keenly observed. "But why?"

"Because we are forced to."

"By whom?" asked the Female Villager.

"The Being from Above," said Luigi. "'Ominous Voice', we call it. Nameless Master. It summons us to battle one another, or else some alien forces, and we must comply, or suffer greatly at the hands of its literally disembodied hands. We do not yet know its identity, though we're trying to find out."

Mega Man rolled his eyes. "Oh, really now. So we're just gladitorial slaves? How long has this shit been goin' on?"

"The core group's collective memories date back about five months. But lately, we've got newcomers like yourselves arriving every other day," Pac-Man calmly replied. "It may appear that the game never ends. And indeed, we'll be fighting in shifts, so as to give the other combatants a break. There's also the whole reality show thing going on, too. Which is to say, outside of your private quarters, you must be ready to have your likenesses broadcast over the entire realm at all times. We can wait until later to discuss the details."

"Aight, foo. S'all good how you wanna maintain the peace and all, I respect that. But keep that gaping trap o' yours closed 'round me. Don't need me none of that foo-foo candy-ass shit in here. Tried that once, holmes. Never again. Keep your hands off my pooch of perfect purity! I promised ya, Rush! Never again! It was one time, buddy!"

Pac-Man scratched his head. "I'm… not exactly sure what you're insinuating, but you've got a lot of talk in you for a rusty bucket of bolts. You let me know when you're ready, brother. Final Destination. Smash Balls only. I'll let you take a handicap if you want. But for now, let's just smile and wave-"

"Hmph! Handicap!"

Mega Man crossed his stubby arm over his Mega Buster and turned to the audience, his expression blank. He pondered Pac-Man's words carefully for a good few moments as the others conversed, and then finally returned to face his host.

"I'll tell you where you can shove that handicap, ya pedophilic carpet muncher. You can shove it so far down your throat, it'll get stuck in your non-existent esophagus and choke you from the inside out!"

This turned Pac-Man's cheeks red – the 'carpet muncher' was clearly checking out the bikini-clad Female Villager, and Mega Man had caught him in the act.

Luigi cleared the air with a tornado spin. "Mamma mia! Shut up already, both of you! We have a schedule to keep."

But Pac-Man only gestured for him to stay back.

"Let's do it," said Pac-Man. "Now."

Mega Man grinned. "I won't hold back, yellow belly."

"A moment, Puck." Luigi placed a hand on one side of Pac-Man's head, which was the closest thing he had to a shoulder. "We're in the middle of the introductory parade and there's currently a match going on. You sure about this?"

Pac-Man nodded. "I just need to shut the kid up and teach him some respect. Don't interfere."

"Very well." Luigi tapped the Mushroom-shaped lapel on his tux. "Lombardi, we need a squadron of Camera Lakitus. Clear the airspace for the Final Destination platform. Inform the other fighters they can take fifteen after the next stock loss."

Falco's voice responded from Luigi's earpiece. "What's cookin', Don?"

"Impromptu showdown. Perfect for ratings, but we'll have to push lunch back to one-thirty."

The Male Villager bit his nails as the scene before him snowballed into a one-on-one duel.

Mega Man raised his hands in the air. "W-w-wait, we can talk about thi-"

Pac-Man cleared his throat, grabbed the mic, and screamed: "I challenge the Newcomer, Mega Man, to a duel!"

He then tossed the mic into the audience, where it crushed an unsuspecting goomba, eliciting even more riotous cheering.

A bolt of lightning seared the ground before them. Two floating platforms appeared, and Pac-Man and Mega Man each stepped onto one. The platforms each instantly teleported to above a two-hundred foot wide flat island, flying high above the crowd and offering a full panoramic view of Smash City.

The crowd-organism was following the slow-moving procession past busy intersections. Mega Man looked back at where the trains had let them off – downtown was several miles away now. In the midst of the city, a large nature preserve played host to tens of thousands of Pokemon and the tourists who flocked to visit them. Now they were approaching the shimmering harbor and marina, beyond which lay an Endless Ocean, and over it, the shadows of the Smashgrounds, drifting two thousand feet above. A series of small floating islands surrounded a large central one, which hosted a vibrant castle at its center. Even from a distance, the grounds were even more impressive in person than they looked on the holo-screens.

"Three…" an omnipresent voice began counting.

The older, stately Pac-Man took a humble bow.

"Two…"

Thankful that his knees were rather solid, Mega Man waved to the adoring public.

"One…"

The Male Villager seized the opportunity to hold the Female Villager close. He mentally patted himself on the back for a job well done.

"Fight!"

* * *

-(^o^)-

Thank you for reading! Chapters two and three should be coming very soon.


	2. Are You In?

**Chapter Two**  
**Are You In?**

Ness woke up in a flash of sweat. Everything in his room was levitating a foot off the ground.

_Stay cool. It was just another dream._

Noting that it was four-thirty in the morning, he willed the stuff back into place, sat up in bed groggily for a few moments, and changed from pajamas into his regular shirt and shorts. The shakes had returned.

There was no use trying to go back to sleep. The energy coursing through Ness pulsed erratically, and nightmare visions – of screams for mercy, of bloody duels to the death, of dozens of his friends committing suicide – filled his waking thoughts, shutting out all else.

Deciding against a dip in the hot springs, he took to wandering the hedge maze, and then decided to gaze upon the barely-visible ocean view from the overlooking cliff face by the edge of the floating island. Taking a seat upon a rock, he closed his eyes and focused his attention on the breeze whipping about and chilling his skin. He needed to latch onto something, anything, to clear his mind.

Ness didn't even notice when the cloak went around his shoulders.

"You're the first person I've seen here at this time," said a female voice. "It's easy to get lost in the Ether in this place. But the breeze will have you waking up in a cold sweat. You're on shift tomorrow, I believe. Best not to overdo it."

The boy's eyes shot wide open. Beside him, clad in a blue t-shirt and yoga pants, the blonde woman stood balancing atop a wooden stake on one toe, her arms swaying ever so slightly with the wind. She had the unmistakable countenance of a familiar princess, only her hair was gold as a wheat field.

"Thank you. Only, who… S-Sheik?"

"Right you are, my psychic friend. What brings you to my favorite spot so early?"

He checked her eyes to make sure her question was not just out of politeness, but true curiosity. "Nightmares," he said at last.

"I'm intimately familiar with those. Perhaps I can offer some insight."

"You wouldn't be the first."

"And I doubt I'll be the last," she said, dropping down to her mat and performing some limbering stretching exercises. "But often the simple act of speaking about one's troubles can handily divide them."

Ness smiled. "Th-thanks. They've been with me for as long as I can remember. In my dreams... everyone's in pain. And somehow, I feel like it's all my fault. You see, I have an ability."

"Yes, you can use psycho-kinetic attacks."

"That's not it, though... in my dreams, it's much more than that. It's almost as if under certain circumstances, with the right equipment, I can… I can do things like mess with people's minds. Alter memories. Maybe even erase them."

"Dreams, Ness. Of course those issues would be on your mind. They're on all our minds."

"Only, these are not just dreams. They are very real."

"Hmm. Have you talked to Lucas or Mewtwo about this?"

"I tried. Even posted on Reggieslist and went into the city to check their favorite haunts. No one's seen them anywhere. Plus, I'm just kind of embarrassed..."

"Nonsense. Hmmm. If only Impa were here…"

"Sorry?"

"My guardian, if my faulty memory means anything. She's well-versed in mystical matters. Things that can't be easily explained... Ah! Perhaps the _other_ Zelda can help us sort this out. She's from a different world line than myself. She'll have seen more things than I."

"W-would that be possible?"

"Of course, little one. By my honor, we'll see it done, and this mystery solved."

* * *

Princess Zelda gently massaged Link's testicles with her left hand as her right worked his shaft.

"How's this, sleepyhead?" she asked, with a droll expression, looking up at the blonde boy whose head was resting against the headboard of her four-post bed. "Does that feel nice?"

Link turned from watching Pac-Man and Mega Man arguing on the TV to the brunette bombshell bobbing between his bollocks.

"Y-yes, Princess. It feels fuckin' fantastic."

She mentally checked his thoughts to make sure he wasn't telling a white lie.

"Good," she said, and continued to stroke him. "You're not as hard this morning."

"I… uh, had a bit to drink last night."

"I see."

She started at first to lick the tip of his member, and then lowered her grip on his shaft. She began stroking a little tighter from the bottom and loosening her grip up by the head, all the while lubricating the top of his eight-inch beast with her saliva. Once he grew firm, she finally engulfed him entirely, and sucked her cheeks in.

"Oh, baby, that's so good."

"Mm-hmm."

Link brushed Zelda's locks from her forehead and looked his lover deep in the eyes. They were cold and intense, as she was, and the tad tingling of tenderness in them was hot enough to put him over the edge.

_Not yet_, he willed himself, and gently stroked her ears as he tightened his kegel muscles.

"My p-p-princess…"

Her wet tongue tickled the sensitive bottom of his shaft while the tip rubbed against the tight back of her throat. Link could feel Zelda's tonsils slap against him as she drew him in and out of her mouth, repeatedly.

In a few minutes, Zelda gave her mouth a break and took a sip of magically heated Blue Potion, then put Link's dick back in her mouth and sucked her cheeks in. The warm fluid coupled with Zelda's impeccable suction technique and probing tongue drove him over the edge.

"I… I'm coming!"

"Wait," Zelda said, and then pulled Link's dick from her mouth. He sprayed buckets and buckets of cum all over her delectable face and neck.

Link huffed and puffed, his energy spent, as Zelda continued to milk his one-eyed trouser Ekans of its last drops.

"Babe, that was hot," said Link, although he wondered, _Damn! How I wish she'd let me come in her mouth, just once._

"Ah. I heard that."

"The hell?"

"Not intentionally, mind you. I didn't even actively use my powers to pry. You were simply broadcasting your feelings."

"And you mention this because?"

"Because it hurts me."

In the midst of watching Zelda wipe his cum off her face, Link couldn't believe what he was hearing.

_It's not my fault you're a natural mind reader._

"Really? So that gives you a license to think whatever you want around me?"

Link held Zelda's chin up and looked deeply into her eyes.

_You should know more than anyone, princess. Most feelings come and then go. They aren't something to hold anyone to. I don't choose a majority of the thoughts that go through my head. But most of the time they go in one ear and out the other._

"A man's heart changes a thousand times a day," he said.

"Then a woman's must change a million."

"You know what I need to get? One of those Magneto-type helmets to protect my thoughts," groaned Link, turning his attention back to the screen.

"To protect your behind, more like." Zelda crawled over and began to massage Link's worn-out back muscles. She kissed the tops of his shoulders, just the way he liked her to. "It's too early to argue. Lunch has been delayed to one-thirty. Let's go back to bed, baby."

Link was torn between his pride and his throbbing Johnson, awakened by the power of Zelda's magical touch.

_I'm sure you can sense my hesitation, Zelda. Since we got intimate, I've been walking on cloud nine. There's nothing wrong with you… with us. What's got my goat is this feeling like you and I are caught up in something that's far beyond us. What powerful force brought us here? Why must we fight one another, every day?_

"Link…" she began. "None of this is news. What good will worries and fears do at this point?"

"Nothin'. Not without action. But we must seek the truth, or resign ourselves to living lives of pain and disappointment. Just look at those two," he said, gesturing to the television. "That spunky blue guy just showed up, and he's already picking a fight with Puck. Wherever he comes from, I'll wager he's a real hero. Now he's fated to be another gladiator. He's at where most of us are gonna be if we go on like this. This way of living is just not sustainable. We need to _do_ something."

Zelda cuddled up beside Link and draped an arm and a leg over him."Maybe. But babe... what can we do?"

"Well, for starters, we can refuse to fight."

"Not a chance!" she cried, and began straddling him. "Just look at DK. You've seen what happens. We act out, we get lobotomized. I_ won't_ let them take you away... You're the bravest man we've got. We, no... I... can't lose you."

"You remember what the Ominous Voice said. This whole charade isn't complete if one of us is missing. If... if by my sacrifice, you and the others can learn something, can find a weakness... then maybe it won't be too big a loss."

Zelda rocked back and forth against Link's member, and leaned over close so that her breasts were dangling in front of his face. "So you're giving up?"

"Never. But there has to be another way."

"Then let someone else take the first step. We've got ourselves, honey, and all the time in the world to think about it."

"Except we don't. The roster will be complete soon."

"Shh, baby."

While rubbing her slit against Link's flattened but quickly growing cock, Zelda began to moan. Her husky voice caught the ear of a third character.

From a tiny hole in the ceiling, Yoshi watched intently as Link licked and kneaded Zelda's medium-sized pink nipples, groping her luscious 34Ds from outside of her loose-fitting nightie.

"Mmmmm... Yoshi..." it said softly, but not soft enough for the Hylian duo's elfin ears.

Both Link and Zelda whipped their heads around to see the perverted Ceiling Dinosaur back away from its peephole.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Link cried, and grabbed his hookshot on the bedside table.

"Leave him!" said Zelda, biting her lip. She pushed Link's arms down and kissed his neck as Yoshi leapt from the balcony above and landed in the pool far below. "Don't you have more important things to do? We'll deal with him later."

Unable to resist, Link dropped the hookshot and resigned himself to his lover's tenderness.

Now that his soldier was at attention, she lowered herself onto its girth, inch by inch.

_Yes! Do your worst, princess. I love it when you know how to treat me._

* * *

Mega Man switched on his Leaf Shield and fired away with his regular shots. Pac-Man leapt in for an aerial strike. The Blue Bomber rolled backwards, but his opponent predicted the move.

The yellow menace dropped to the floor, and Mega Man felt something pixilated appear and smash him sideways.

"The hell was that?" Mega Man screamed.

"My old nemeses, Pinkie and Blinky. At least, that's what I think they're called."

"This ain't kosher!" he yelled, and tossed a saw blade in the direction of his opponent.

Pac-Man unleashed an 8-bit alien fighter ship and had it deflect the saw blade.

"Yer shittin' me," Mega Man began, but his opponent was already in his face with his feet and fists. After tossing his Leaf Shield and missing, it was all the blue one could do to keep safe.

Before he knew it, Pac-Man had launched him into the air, switched forms to a rather creepy-looking faceless sphere, and chased him down.

Mega Man was knocked upwards once more when, frustrated, he fired a hard knuckle attack down towards Pac-Man, who was meteored back onto the stage. The Bomber then tried to land a flame sword hit on the way down, but missed. Pac-Man had rolled away and sent another ghost out to whack his opponent off his feet, then brutally punished him with another transformation attack.

Once landing, the Super Fighting Robot fired a charged shot at Pac-Man, who dodged the blow and bounced back with another assist – four ghosts now danced above the arena.

"Wait up, man! This ain't fuckin' fair! You've got assists! And earlier, ya like, transformed and shit!"

"All's fair in love and war, my android friend."

"Hell naw!" Mega Man yelled, and peered into the iris of one of the circling Lakitu's camcorders. "Y'all down there feel me on this? This here yellow-bellied coward, he's breaking the rules, ain't he?"

His rant was met with some cheers, some heckling, and mostly unintelligible rabble.

"See?" he insisted. "Six out of fifteen agree. Your moveset is bullshit. You ain't nothin' but a mascot, relying on others to do yer attackin' for ya."

But Pac-Man charged his opponent directly, going for physical hits. Mega Man slid on the floor to get away, but was out-maneuvered at every turn.

"Oh? I'm not the only one. Peach uses a Toad to counter. That big-ass penguin whacks his own minions with a mallet. Olimar tosses living Pikmin at his opponents, sacrificing dozens per fight. But we don't even have to look that far. Riddle me this, O wise Mega Man, just where did you get your weapons from?"

"The robot masters. But that don't concern your ass. Plus, it ain't as if I summon them. I just happened to jack their best abilities after terminating their life functions."

Mega Man nailed Pac-Man with a few charged attacks.

"Look, Mega Man. I'll be honest. There's probably a reason why we only have a finite number of fighting moves, I don't know. Maybe we were chosen that way… that was what the Ominous Voice intended."

"Well, ya know what I say to that? I say, fuck the Ominous Voice! Fuck the whole concept of fightin' for no reason! I may not remember much, but I do know I've saved the damned world from some moustachioed dumbass doin' some evil shit, and more than a few times, too! Just 'coz I'm built to fight don't mean I haveta partake in it! I'm sick of fightin'! More than any o' you punks, I deserve a flippin' break from it all, ya feel me? I refuse to fight! Not until I have a good reason!"

At this, everyone gasped. You could have heard one of Sheik's needles drop. Even the cheering audience fell to hushed silence.

"C-careful now," Pac-Man cautioned his new friend. "It'd be wise to not antagonize the Ominous Voice."

"Dat Ominous Voice? Awww, shit, nigga!" Mega Man replied mockingly. "Oh, no! Whatever shall I do? That b-b-b-big scary voice in the sky-iy-iy-iy is g-g-gonna hurt me! Some bitch call the waaaaaahhhmbulance!"

Luigi stepped into the arena and pointed up at the sky. "Do you see that, numbskull?"

A large shadow appeared on the platform. A giant gloved hand hovered far above, ready to strike.

"I've fought worse. Bring it on, ya big-ass Glover ripoff!"

Suddenly, Luigi rocketed in and smacked the Newcomer to the floor. A whistle broke through the din as Olimar leapt into the fray, flinging Pikmin at Mega Man to hold him down.

"You can't just refuse to fight!" Luigi cried out. "You'll be tortured and lobotomized, you fucking imbecile!"

"Just watch me!" Mega Man laughed. He shot a fully-charged shot at Luigi's chest, but the plumber rolled away.

Pac-Man screamed aloud as the shot connected. When Luigi turned to see what happened, he facepalmed so hard he gave himself a concussion.

Mega Man had just hit a large floating Smash Ball that appeared in the sky.

_It's so beautiful, _the Male Villager thought. _What is it?_

"Standard special!" came the chant from the adoring crowd below. "Use it now!"

"What's so standard 'bout a special? The hell is that supposed to _mean_?" The Blue Bomber cursed. He shot the crash bomber. Nothing. The charged shot. Nada.

That's when Pac-Man knocked a red fire hydrant in his direction. Mega Man slid under the projectile, leapt into the air, stunned Pac-Man with an aerial kick, and tried to follow up with a metal blade.

Much to his surprise, instead of the saw blade, a dark vortex was fired into the air, sucking in Pac-Man, Luigi, and Olimar. The Villagers had the sense to ride two Lloid rockets to safety.

The crowd went wild as Mega Man felt his body act without his input - it leapt into the fray with four other dudes who somewhat resembled him. Before he could process what was going on, a rainbow of pulsing energy beams erupted from their arms and sent the three combatants flying. Luigi and Pac-Man were sent far from the arena. Mega Man felt his body return to Smash City and his look-alike allies disappear. He dry-heaved from the vertigo. It took a moment to take everything in. He'd just ended the lives of his hosts, without even realizing it.

"By the light! Who were those four fucks?"

"Beats the hell out of me," said Olimar, struggling to return to the stage. "But I'm glad to see you haven't lost the will to battle."

"Well... I gotta admit, that was pretty cool. But there's no way I'm going on like this. And y'all shouldn't put up with it, neither."

"Please, man. Listen to reason," said Pac-Man, blinking white as he descended his returning platform. "We can't just go rocking the boat-"

"What our friend means to say," Luigi began, interrupting Pac-Man, "is please look over there."

He turned Mega Man's attention towards the jumbo screens, where legions of adoring fans were cheering, crying, and generally wetting themselves with excitement over Mega Man's Final Smash moment. "I Heart Mega Man" and "I want your robot babies" signs were being held up by topless, questionably-aged girls of varying proportions. That floating TV host from _Nintendo Land_ was humping a telephone post.

"Witness the adoration," Luigi smirked. "The power you hold over your subjects."

"I'm witnessing, all right. And I rather like it."

"This is our Kingdom. Everything the light touches is ours, Mr. Man."

"What about that dark mansion, over there in the distance?"

"Ah... um." Luigi cleared his throat. "That's my personal sex dungeon, my friend. You must never go there."

The timer ran out on the battle. Mega Man had won by default, and was thus appeased. He shook hands with his co-combatants and took to waving to his adoring public.

Luigi, Pac-Man, Olimar, and the Villagers all gazed up to see the giant hand retreating into the clouds.

"Quick thinking on your part," Pac-Man admitted to Luigi. "We dodged a hell of a bullet bill there."

Luigi nodded. "Maybe so. But it's not always going to be this easy. This guy is a handful and a half. And we've got more coming the day after tomorrow."

Just then, a call came in from Mother Base. Luigi touched the lapel on his tux.

"Yes, Falco?"

"Boss, you're not gonna like this."

"What is it this time?"

"It's your brother. He's in a bad way."

"Aww, shit. Party's over. Let's head back, full speed ahead."

-(^o^)-

* * *

Hope you enjoyed Chapter Two! Chapter Three is coming shortly. :) Whether you enjoyed this chapter or not, I'd love to hear your feedback!


	3. With or Without You

**Chapter Three**

**With or Without You**

Mario guffawed as another Flappy Bird smashed into the side of a warp pipe and fell to the ground.

"God-a-damn, these-a things are funny. Go on, then, eat it!" he told Diddy Kong, who had already run up to the dying creature and was studying it carefully.

Donkey Kong offered Diddy a banana, but Mario shook his head. DK walked over to hand it to Diddy, but Mario toasted it with a fireball.

"Tonight's a big-a night. Exhibition match with-a the new guys. Get some fucking protein in you, ape. Don't a-make-a me shove it down your throat."

Not wanting to disappoint the boss, Diddy cracked the bird's neck, ending its misery, and then bit into it, savoring the taste of warm blood.

The plumber paid no heed to the rest of this gory scene, as he was invested in his bottle of Petit Rouge. When the bottle was emptied, he tossed it at DK – the thing shattered against the back of his head. DK, for his part, looked around in every direction for the source of the sudden blunt force pain and the shards of glass now dotting the grassy hill, but soon forgot about the event entirely, as was his wont at such occasions.

"The fuck is-a my pastrami sandwich?" Mario yelled at Princess Peach, who was busy laying out the picnic carpet and basket underneath a dancing tree.

"It'll be ready in a minute," she said, her voice chirpy and bright despite it all.

"I'm a-counting the seconds."

Princess Toadstool wished desperately that Luigi was there. He was always good at diffusing Mario's tension. It was almost a shame that his peacekeeping skills were so legendary as to make him indispensable with regards to the Smashgrounds' domestic troubles. Perhaps it was a blessing that at least one of the Mario brothers was competent enough to try his hand at managing the realm's affairs.

"Perhaps that's enough wine for now, darling?" she posited. Mario happily ignored her, following up a big bite of a red mushroom with an entire glass, which he proceeded to toss at a nearby Toad.

_I should have known better, _Peach thought. _It's so damned easy to provoke him._

"Check out the face on that o-! GWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

In the midst of his next glass, Mario doubled over in laughter as another Flappy Bird flattened itself, face-first, against a floating Warp Pipe. Writhing on the floor, wine-infused spittle erupted from every facial orifice.

The half-full glass landed on Peach's summer dress, staining it. There's a dirty joke in there somewhere, but the author was unable to find it.

Just as she tried to compose herself, Mario kicked over the picnic basket. He retched, but did not vomit, as the alcohol came back up his throat and tickled his tonsils.

"Mario, dear, are you okay?"

He mumbled something incoherently as she picked him up off the ground.

Peach's expression was one of worry. "Sorry, I didn't catch that. Babe, let's get you changed-"

Mario's gloved hand whipped away Peach's caring one.

"Mamma mia! Wh-where m-my sammich at? 'S Mario gon' hav-e-ta choke a bitch?"

The Princess' toes curled up, but she remembered to breathe, and calmed her nerves mere nano-seconds before something violent happened.

"It'd be ready sooner if you hadn't kicked our picnic basket over."

"Excu-sa me? I'm a-not sure I heard-a you say, 'coming right up'?"

"That's because I didn't."

"Well, you'd-a better. Come onna, just say it."

"Why?"

"'Coz then I'd reply, 'All right. I'ma come right up yo' asshole, sugartits,'" he smiled, and then spanked her bottom, before crying out, "Woohoo! Yipee!"

_There was a time when behavior like this was unthinkable – a time when there was a lot less riding on our shoulders. We were happy, then. _

_I know this from the pictures that line the castle walls, which trigger faint traces of warm memories that keep trying to find their way to the surface. Memories that carry an undercurrent of truth._

_But even more so, I know because I know deep down that I once loved him, and he once loved me._

Just as Peach finished commanding a Toad to make the sandwich and walked about twenty feet away to try and recover from the shock of Mario's heinous act, a second, more powerful thing smacked her buttcheeks, once, then twice, and finally, a third time. She spun around furiously.

From behind a nearby rock, that familiar voice sent the Princess flying off her handle.

"Yoshiiiiii!"

"Y-you! You perverted green f-f-f- idiot! How many times have I told you to stay away from me?"

To which Yoshi simply stuck out his tongue and made a suggestive motion akin to that of a kitten licking a bowl of warm milk.

"Yeah, you're laughing now. Wait 'till I get a Fire Flower, you sh-sh-shitake head!"

She pulled out a turnip and tossed it at the offensive beast.

But the dino simply ran off the scene. And Peach returned to a snickering Mario, with DK and Diddy giggling hysterically at her. Her worst death glare did nothing to quell the trio's drunken laughter.

She looked out beyond the horizon.

_This is it. I've officially had it._

Peach motioned for Toad to follow, and the two made for the floating carriage to take her back to the main island.

"Where do you think-a you're going?"

"Mario… I'm moving out."

The plumber immediately switched to apologetic mode. He shushed the apes up as best he could and chased the princess.

"H-hey. It's-a bad joke, honey. It's-a nothing."

"That's the problem, Mario. There used to be something. Now there's nothing."

"Peachy pie, I… I'm really drunk, baby. Let's head back together, eh? We'll talk this over."

"Yoshi!" the dinosaur inexplicably called from behind a nearby rock, shooting its tongue towards Peach's bottom. Mario stopped the tongue in its tracks, tied it around itself, then shot a barrage of fireballs at Yoshi, toasting the green fellow.

"I got him, baby! See! We'll have a romantic dinner. Your favorite place. Talk it out over some wine."

"There's nothing left to say. You want to keep drowning in your bottles, and I want the real you back."

"The fuck? It's a-me. I'm the same old Mario you always knew."

"We both know that's not true. Sorry, sweetie. I'm no longer in the babysitting business."

She snapped her fingers and four of her Toads brought forth her carriage. She ascended the stair and sat as her minions took her away.

"Peach, honey! I'm-a sorry! Come back!"

But she was already outlining a checklist of stuff for her Toads to pack as her vehicle crossed the gulf.

_There's one person I can go to at times like this. One true friend whom I know won't turn me away._

"Get me Zelda on the phone," she said.

* * *

The doors to the theater swung open with a cheerful force, and through them, a tall, dark figure strode, shortly swaggering forth down the aisle. He hummed a familiar tune (Gerudo Valley) while adjusting his backwards baseball cap.

Ganondorf snickered to his fellow bros. "Hey guys, you're never gonna believe what Chibi-Robo picked up yesterday."

Little Mac and Captain Falcon gathered around the data chip.

"Panties?" the Captain inquired. "No, wait. Hidden cams of our dear Sammy?"

Mac scratched his chin. "Ya know, I was gonna dare to hope for some escape plans or possibly something progressive to bring light to our situation, but I'd settle for a glimpse of our mutual friend."

The Captain patted their de facto leader on the back. "So what's the punchline, pops?"

But the Gerudo simply laughed and handed the chip to ROB, who proceeded to slot it into the projector in the back of the room.

"You two fucks have no idea what you're about to see."

ROB copied the file to its pr0n folder while hitting 'Play'.

The video showcased a beautiful woman with green hair, sitting spread-eagled on a covered bench in the midst of the hedge maze, the trellises above carefully concealing her from prying eyes. Between her legs, the familiar head of Pit was lapping up this woman's juices most enthusiastically.

"Who's that?" Captain Falcon salivated.

"Shut up and watch," Ganon replied.

The three men focused their attentions on the video, the angle of which had improved as Chibi-Robo climbed up the side of the trellis and zoomed in.

"Not too fast, kiddo. It isn't a race," she giggled.

"O-of course, Lady Palutena," he smiled, and slowed his tongue, tickling her love spot softly and a tad more tenderly. "H-happy to be at y-y-your service."

"Yes, you adorable thing… unf…" she writhed. Moaning, the Goddess grabbed his head and pushed his mouth closer and closer still, deeper into her pussy, till his tongue was in deep and his nose tickling her clitoris. She pushed her mound against his face and rocked back and forth.

"Mmm-mmmph. Harrr-drrr?"

Her reply was wordless, but in the affirmative. The Goddess pushed up powerfully against her lover. His lapping grew in intensity.

"Take off those shorts."

"Ma'am?"

"No. Call me 'Teena'," she mumbled. It was what her father called her, sometimes.

"Um… 'Teena… how would you like me to-"

"Just take 'em off!"

Not needing to be told again, Pit did. And both pairs of the Goddess' lips grew wet as the angelic boy stripped off his shorts.

"The boxers, too."

Pit teasingly pulled down his boxers slowly, and before it was scarcely visible, Palutena had already cupped his penis in one hand, and held his balls in her other palm.

"My, I detect that you're not yet at maximum firmness."

"I- I'm sorry-"

She shushed the boy and gently worked his member. He began to naturally caress her cheeks with his trembling fingers.

"You've _never_ done this before?" said she.

He shook his head vigorously. "N-not that I re-recall."

"I get it. Well, there's no need to be tense around me. Here, let's try something else."

Pit gulped as the Goddess stood and held him close. She massaged his shoulders, then his butt cheeks, and finally got down on her knees in front of him and licked the tip of his now very erect five-and-a-half-inch dick.

"There's a good boy."

Palutena wrapped her delicate fingers around its girth, and then pumped softly. Her lips engorged its head, with her tongue carefully stroking his shaft. She buried his length deeper into her face, until he tapped at the back of her throat. Then she sucked hard, mixing her saliva with her probing tongue.

After eliciting a few moans from her captive, she stood up suddenly in front of him, grabbed him by the chin with one hand and by the balls in the other, and bit his lip.

"How did that feel?"

"G-g-good."

"Mm-hmm. Now fuck me like a monster."

"Uh, d-do you mean to f-f-fuck you as if I am a monster, or to fuck you as I would fuck a mon-"

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

The Goddess let loose her robe and pushed Pit down onto the floor. The boy fell onto his back, hands pinned, and Palutena wasted no time in climbing onto him. Palutena stared him down with a wicked smile.

Pit instinctually reached around to grab Palutena's sweet behind, but she slapped his hands away.

"No touchy."

"But why?"

"Not until I say so."

She snapped her fingers. A sexy, jazz-infused number began to play ('Dolphin Shoals' from _Mario Kart 8_). To its rhythm, Palutena rocked her hips and lightly moved up and down, teasing Pit's shaft with her tight, wet hole until holding back became unbearable for the poor kid.

The insertion was sudden but immensely gratifying.

"Y-you're so tight!"

"It's 'coz I haven't shat in three days!"

"Geez, that was a bonerkill."

"Don't you dare!" She yelled, squeezing his member from her insides with her vaginal muscles as she pushed against him softly.

It didn't take long for Pit's penis to return to full form. He thrust into her repeatedly, burying his dick as deep as he could go.

"Unf… unf… Fuck! You're hitting my g-spot, over and over! Pit, honey, vuck me deeply!" she said in a dominatrixian German accent.

"Y-yes, milady!"

"Ja! Ja! Fuck me like I'm ze hottest Goddess out zere!"

Zat line gave ze boy a bit of pause, but he continued. Eventually Palutena slapped him in the face and bent on over to whisper in his ear.

"Mein engel! Das boot! Volkswagen!"

"T-this is the hottest moment of my life!" Pit cried. "O-or at least the few memories I have outside of this place. See, there's this weird memory that recurs, and it's sorta-"

She slapped him again, then flipped over so that Pit was on top, and wrapped her legs around his back. "Yes! You sexy plaything. I'm so glad I finally found you again!"

"Again?" Pit queried. "Have I been lost befo-"

"Shh, shh, don't think," Palutena cautioned. "Just fuck me!"

And Pit did fuck her, madly, deeply, for another thirty minutes or so. Little Mac started shaking his leg and Ganondorf actually checked his watch, twice.

"Kid has some stamina, I'll give 'im that," Captain Falcon nodded. "And I was happy about it at first, but now I'm ecstatic that the infamous Lady Palutena has finally found her way to our island of pleasures."

"Something tells me I've seen her here before. In any case, that woman's appetite is insatiable," Ganondorf observed. "She possesses some serious powers, too. I can tell just by looking at her aura."

"And that's something you can see through a pre-recorded video?" Little Mac asked, skeptically.

"Not normally. She was broadcasting herself to me, psychically. Must have known there were others with those sorts of powers. Maybe she even sensed my presence."

"Quite a feat," Captain Falcon chimed in. "Especially since Chibi-Robo got this video."

"On my orders, of course," said Ganon. "With a libido like that, it's no surprise she wants the D. My D, to be precise. Penetrating her every hole."

"We get it," Little Mac said. He'd already turned away from the video and was practicing his boxing moves on a nearby Sandbag. "Another potential perverted conquest for you."

Ganon smiled. "In any case, there's no indication the status quo is going to change. Our methods remain untraced, but now's not a time for unnecessary risks. We can afford to start small. Maybe get a shower video."

"You're no fun," Captain Falcon said. "Always playing it safe. That girl's as wild as an untamed Gyarados. I'm gonna make my move on her."

"You can try, but you might fail," replied Ganon. "At least my way, there's no chance of rejection."

"That's no way to live."

"On the contrary… in this world, there are those who go for their heart's deepest desires, wasting away with every effort only to discover them empty, and those whose imaginations offer contentment enough. The woman is a beast, yes, but she's also a hopeless control freak. Count me out of that drama."

"You speak as if you know her personally," said Little Mac. "So quick to judge."

Ganon took a second to compose his reply. "Um. Er. Well, it's true I don't _know _her. But..."

Just then, Jigglypuff sang the lunch bell theme over the PA system.

"Man, it's about time," Captain Falcon said with a grin. "I wonder if I'll get to sit next to Palutena."

"Ugh. Give it a rest," Ganon groaned.

The Gerudo King summoned forth Chibi-Robo and plugged him into his laptop.

-(^o^)-

Thanks again for reading! Chapter Four will take a little longer as I'm still working on the lunch scene. Hope y'all enjoyed it!


	4. Lunchroom Blitz

**Chapter Four  
Lunchroom Blitz**

"Come on, man. Try saying it. 'I fight for my friends.'"

"Minna, miteite kure!"

Ike resisted the urge to facepalm again. "Let's try it again. I… fiiiiight…"

"Saseru mono ka!"

"Goddamn it, Marth! You could at least try!"

"Gomen nasai."

"Y'know what, fuck it."

Ike collapsed into his lawn chair. He took the bong and lighter from a passed-out Popo and drew in a Critical Hit of Strawberry Cough.

"You're such a fuckin' square. We could be friends. Only, you're some fancy-pants pretty boy princess who converses in moonspeak. I mean, gosh golly. I'm pretty sure we originate from the same universe, and you won't even give me the time of day. How do you think that makes me feel?"

Marth reached a hand out to his only friend, whom he knew was from a different universe. "Mada tomodachi desu-"

"Fuck off," said Ike, unaware that Marth could understand English, but not speak it. He refilled the bong and was about to spark another hit when a loud THWACK sounded out from a few feet away.

"Nani datta?"

"The hell was that noise? Help me look around, will ya?"

The two swordsmen inspected the general area. It was Marth who discovered the source of the din, a hole in the floor, shaped like a short, flat man had just fallen a hundred feet to his death and ended up simply causing a cavernous hole in the astroturf.

"Daijobu desu ka?"

"Beep."

Head hung so low his forehead was dragging, Mr. Game and Watch shook himself from his daze. Marth helped him from the hole and to his feet. Ike ran to the scene and looked first to the poor 2D gentleman, and then up to the cliff from whence he'd fallen, seeking a reason, an instigator, a bully.

"What happened, bro?" he asked.

"Beep beep RING!"

"Zettai ni nai! Hontou iisai-"

"Come on, man. Someone spracken some Engrish around here, leastways," Ike groaned.

"Pardon me, but I saw the whole thing."

Captain Olimar appeared, sitting atop a shoebox throne being carried by a small horde of Pikmin.

"Good day, Captain. I see the whole entourage has returned. Care to enlighten us?"

"Well. My memory's a little hazy. Maybe a toke or two of your greeneries would help my senses?"

Ike shrugged. "Be my guest, man. The place is covered in this stuff. It's not as if we're gonna run out anyway."

The good Captain used a Fire Pikmin to light Ike's Fire Emblem-decorated bong and then took a deep drought from his whistle-hole, hotboxing his helmet.

"It's elementary, my dear Ichabod," he began. "Our black-faced friend here took a little dive off the deep end. Tried to become _an hero_."

"I'm still not understanding the situation. You mean he wanted to kill himself?"

A sad 'beeeeep' resounded from Mr. Game and Watch, who let tiny black tears fall from his face.

"H-hey, man." Ike said. He hugged the little dude. "Why so serious? We're all in this together."

Game and Watch continued to beep, sadly. He pulled out an Etch-A-Sketch and quickly drew an intricate picture. It was of Game and Watch himself, trying to speak and make gestures, and of several other people in the Smashgrounds, with "?" symbols hovering in cartoon bubbles above their heads. The message was clear as day to Ike.

"I see. No one can understand you."

Game and Watch nodded vigorously. This was a long-forgotten dream, for someone to reach out and listen.

"But you can understand me?"

He nodded again.

"How about that guy?" Ike said, pointing to Marth. "Do you understand what he's saying?"

The dark one nodded once more.

"Huh! Well, then. What say you the three of us develop ourselves a friendship?"

Game and Watch cried, even harder this time, and the floor began to flood with his tears. He leapt to embrace Ike and Marth.

"H-hey, little guy. It's all right. It's gonna get better, just you wait."

"Sore wa ranchitaimudesu," said Marth.

"You know I don't speak-a your language," Ike groaned. "Just smile and give me a vegemite sandwich."

"According to my digital translator, pretty boy says it's time for lunch," Olimar announced, leading the rabble from the courtyard.

It was an odd procession to be sure: Olimar, Game and Watch, Marth, and Ike, carrying a barely conscious Popo on his shoulders.

They ascended a short staircase, walked down the marble hallway, and rode the lift up from the gardens to the ground floor.

"So what are the new guys like?" Ike asked. "They cool?"

Olimar coughed. "Well, two of 'em seem nice. The Villagers. Rather quaint, actually. For some unexplained reason, they worship Pac-Man. But there's this other dude... Ultraman or something. Total douchebag. Decided to go one on one with Puck. Ended up with a lucky break. Nabbed the Smash ball and took Luigi and I down, too."

"Sounds like a capable fighter."

"That rusty schmuck? He just got lucky. He almost incurred the wrath of the Crazy Hand."

"No shit?"

"Speak of the devil, there he is, now."

Mega Man strutted around a corner like he owned the place, shadowed on either side by Luigi and Pac-Man. The two Villagers brought up the rear, ogling at every framed painting and suit of armor decorating the grounds.

The Female Villager kept gasping in shock. "This must have cost you guys, like, trillions of Bells!"

"Not sure what the exchange rate is," Luigi muttered. "We use standard coins around here, which you can get from optional daily matches. You'll have to talk to Dr. Wright about getting your currencies sorted. But we didn't foot the bill for this place. It came as-is."

The Male Villager scratched his head. "The hell? No mortgage? Where's the fun in that?"

"Yo, Weegee!" called Ike.

The green plumber nodded. "Good afternoon, Ike. Have you seen my brother, perchance?"

"Nah, not since he passed out at karaoke last night."

"Mamma mia. Friends, allow me to introduce you to Mega Man, and the Male and Female Villagers. Guys, this is Ike. The Inuit gentleman on his back is Popo. That handsome devil who speaks a foreign tongue is Marth. You've met Captain Olimar. And that's... um... man... ah, right! Mr. Game and Watch, down below. We call him 'GW'. How could I forget..."

Mr. Game and Watch rang his bell to welcome the Newcomers.

"A pleasure to make your acquaintances," Ike said with a smile.

Beside him, Marth bowed wordlessly.

"Nice sword," Mega Man said. "Long and thick. Compensating for something?"

Every eye in the room turned to Ike, but the swordsman just shrugged the comment off.

"If I had a coin every time an intelligent lifeform told me that, I'd still be broke."

The hall erupted in laughter, and Mega Man felt quite the fool.

"Oh!" he exclaimed five seconds later as an aside to the Male Villager, the only person still willing to be within five feet of him. "Is it coz... I'm not intelligent? Or am I not a lifeform?"

The Male Villager smirked. "Bro, there's some questions only you yourself can answer."

There was no time for Mega Man to digest these words, since at that moment they'd reached the dining hall. The double doors swung open. Arranged all across a perfectly round mahogany table with the Smash logo imprinted on its surface were over thirty other Smashers, and all stood in respect and applauded to welcome the Newcomers.

"Welcome, welcome!" Link said, raising a toast. "We are honored to host you here today, as our brothers and sister in arms, at the Smash Round Table. On behalf of myself and the other Smashers, may you enjoy this buffet meal, so lovingly concocted by our resident chef Mama and her many helpers. L'chaim!"

Suddenly, a cupcake went flying into the Hylian's face, broke apart upon hitting him right between the eyes, and fell down into his clam chowder, which upended and stained his newly washed tunic, all in painful slow motion.

With fire in his eyes, Link turned immediately to the source of the antagonism and whipped out his Gale Boomerang, but the culprit was already making for the exit.

"Yoshiiiii!" the thing cried in wild ecstasy.

The boomerang missed, and on its return, it carried a cream pie into Link's boiling face. Wiping away the cream of shame, he drew the Master Sword and ran out the door to give chase with a loud battle cry.

"THAT'S TWICE TODAY, YOU DINGBAT DINO! NO MORE! YOU GET BACK HERE AND FACE ME!"

When the doors finally slammed shut and Link was agreed to be out of earshot, the room burst into unfettered giggling. Pikachu and his entourage of groupies all chuckled riotously. Even the notoriously quiet Rosalina fell into an adorable round of laughter.

In the chaos, Wario choked on a muffin. Little Mac gave him an uppercut in the gut, sending the pastry flying out at top speed into the "?" block centerpiece, which gave forth a regular mushroom power-up.

"You all right, old man?" Little Mac asked Wario.

"Chyeah!" he said in between coughs. "That's a hell of a punch ya got there, Mac."

While watching Bowser munch on the stray mushroom, Mega Man raised an eyebrow. He'd sized the rabble up and found it rather lacking. "Are you guys, like, for real? What is this, some kind of a cult?"

"Hey, chillax, kid," said a bored-sounding voice from a buffed-up dude with a red helmet. "Name's Captain Falcon. The terror o' the galaxy. Have a seat."

Saddened that he was stationed far from the lovely Palutena, Captain Falcon grabbed a handful of rather expensive fatty tuna sashimi from the innermost of the three ascending rings of conveyor belts and shoved the whole mess down his throat. He chased it with a shot glass of pre-wasabi-mixed soy sauce.

"Ahhh! That's how ya do it! What's your poison, little man? The selection's off the charts here!"

Sadly, Mega Man held up an Energy Tank. "Um. I don't really eat living stuff. At least, not until it's been turned into electricity."

"Your loss, bro. Talk to Cooking Mama, maybe. Who knows? Maybe they'll have some batteries or electric goo enemies on the menu tomorrow."

Mega Man sized his conversational partner up. "Say, you look like a big, strong fellow."

Captain Falcon held a hand up to pause Mega Man, as he was in the process of swallowing the whole cheeseburger he'd just shoved into his mouth. "Whoa, you tryin' to hit on me, dude? I'm flattered, don't get me wrong, but let's get to know each other first, yeah? Spar a while. Watch each other sweat a few times. We might end up catching a couple of wayward glances across the training room. And then maybe, just maybe, we'll sneak into each other's beds at night to cuddle, wordlessly, under the stars. On our days off, we'll watch 'Clueless' under a pillow fort while painting each other's toenails. You with it?"

The scenario was so vivid it took Mega Man a big shake of the head to snap out of it. "Huh? No, no, it's... man, you... you had the wrong idea. Really made me lose my train of thought. It's just... you seem on the level, ya know? I gotta ask, what do you know about this place? Who's in charge? I'd like to give him a piece of my mind."

Falcon laughed aloud. He elbowed Fox, who was next to him.

"Dude! Dude, get a load of this! Guy wants to give whoever's in charge a piece of his mind!"

Fox ignored Falcon's boisterous laughter and adopted a serious face. "You _really_ wanna know who's in charge? What's your name, freshman?"

"Mega Man. I'm the Super Fighting Robot! Defender of-"

"Yeah, yeah, skip the pleasantries. Guess what? _I'm_ in charge, big boy."

"Huh? Ya mean you're the bonehead who came up with this stupid fuckin' brothel of brawling?"

Fox crossed his legs on the table and picked his nose. "That's right. Whatcha gon' do about it?"

"Well, first off, I'm going to punch a hole in your face!" Mega Man screamed in his best shounen voice, and stood in his chair, aiming his gun-arm at Fox McCloud. "You took me from my homeland and fucked with my head, all for what?! To have me fight like a slave?"

Fox's voice raised three octaves, and each strand of his fur stood on end. "H-hey! It was a bad joke! Bad joke!"

"Just how stupid do ya think I am, fox-man?"

"Stupid enough to make a Spiral Mountain out of one of Jamjars' molehills," a female voice responded. "The only thing Fox here is the boss of is a four-man mercenary team."

Mega Man spun around to face the wrong end of a gun-arm much larger than his own. It belonged to a towering suit of armor, worn by an Amazonian woman twice his size.

"Do I have something on my visor, little boy blue? Drop the weapon. Unless you're eager to lose your head."

"Heeeeeeyy baaaaaaby. Dig the suit. What'll it take to get you out of it?"

"I take my suit off for no one, especially idiots like you," she said, and her green visor peeled back to reveal a beautiful blonde face. "We have food fights every other day. I'm not in the mood to start another one, so please, lower your weapon."

"Anything for you, babe," The Blue Bomber said, complying. Stars filled his eyes at the very sight of her face. "Such a dizzying beauty should not be locked up and forced to cohabitate with these slumdog peasants. Do you dance the Mamba, the Salsa, or the Santa Maria?"

"Ugh. Why does this happen so often?" Samus mumbled. "Look, I'm not on the market right now. And even if I was-"

"Who's your significant other? I'd like to congratulate him on a job well done."

Samus gestured to Fox, who threw her a wink as he munched on a chicken drumstick. It took several seconds for the Blue Bomber to register this as fact.

"_Him?!_ Ya mean poop breath?" Mega Man cried. "Oh, honey, you can do much better than that guy! I betcha he ain't even house trained!"

"Hey, I'm right here, buddy. You got somethin' to say, say it to my face," said Fox. "Or do you want to take this outside?"

Mega Man put up his hands. "I already won one battle today. My first _ever_, mind you. Against three other guys. So I won't say no. But by all means, finish up your lunch."

"Yeah, maybe I will. Dessert can wait, since I'm gonna use your detached head to crush some ice for my celebratory mimosas."

"Ugh, boys! This is ridiculous," said Samus. "I wish I could eat _just one_ meal in peace."

She walked back over to her seat to finish her Metroid-shaped gelatin, and Mega Man made a scene of admiring her luscious behind, even through her armor.

"Damn, it sure looks like she's wearing a thong. What do you think, Falcon? Is that a thong? 'Coz I definitely think it is."

But Captain Falcon was too busy gorging on the fettucini alfredo.

"You're really starting to tick me off," said Fox, now munching on ribs, death glare fixed on Mega Man.

"Funny. I'd have thought your girlfriend the type to give her pet a flea shower once in a while. But what's the use of expecting hygiene from such a mangy mutt?"

"AAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!" Fox's jaw snapped his spare ribs in half. He performed a Fox Illusion dash move, cancelled it mid-way, grabbed Mega Man, beat on him twice, and tossed him out the stained-glass window thirty feet up, sending deadly glass falling down onto the other diners. Fox then used a Fire Fox move to get up to the ledge, then leapt onto Mega Man to punish him before he hit the grounds far below.

Meanwhile, Rosalina, Luma, and Falco dashed in to reflect the falling glass, but missed a huge slab, which stabbed King Dedede through the back and came out the other side with a disturbing yet satisfying 'SSSCCCHHHWWIIING' sound.

Everyone in the dining hall gasped.

Kirby dashed to help his nemesis. "Holy shit dude, you just got fuckin' stabbed through the chest! Quick, what do we do?"

Dedede held his friend's stubby arm shakily. "G-g-g-get me the baked lobster tails... hurry..."

Suddenly the doors slammed open.

"Aaaaah'm a DUCKTER! Make-a way!" A drunken Mario exclaimed, waddling on the scene with a lab coat on backwards and a stethoscope wrapped around his forehead, its tunable diaphragm hanging down in front of his face and swinging like a pendulum with his erratic movements. He was near tipping over.

"I've a-been looking for you everywhere, Mario!" Luigi exclaimed. "Falco told me what-a happened this morning. That you emptied out your liquor cabinet. We need to talk."

"Stand a-back, you charlatan!" he cried, tossing Luigi from the room. "I... I went-a through med school, I think. Lemme have a look."

"Um! I'd highly recommend a second opinion!" cried Peach. "He's a quack."

Dr. Mario tossed a pill at her. "And you a straight-up 'HO BAG!"

Peach's Toad reflected the pill back. It landed in Donkey Kong's mouth and sent him running off to the men's room, sharting all the way.

Tearing his non-existent hair out, Kirby was livid. "I don't care about your lover's quarrel! Hurry up and do something, Doctor!"

Dr. Mario inspected the wound thoroughly. "Ah! Looks like full-on impalement. I got just the thing. This won't hurt a bit."

Without any further ado, Dr. Mario cracked his knuckles and yanked the 4' x 2' shard of glass straight out from Dedede's back. Blood spurted every which way, staining everything in sight.

"WAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGG!"

Like a beached whale landing on an island covered in poprocks, the poor penguin spasmed onto the table in pain and ultimately collapsed on the conveyor belts, sending porridge and casserole flying every which way.

Kirby leapt into Peach's arms in abject terror.

"What have we done?" he cried.

-(^o^)-

* * *

Heya there! Hope y'all are diggin' the story so far! Whether or not you're enjoying what you're reading, pretty please be sure to leave a review! I'd love to hear from you! :D


	5. Don't Look Back in Anger

**Author's Note:** Hi all! I hope very much that you're enjoying the fic. Just letting y'all know, this Peach/Samus/Zelda-centric chapter is a little heavier on plot and character development and lighter on sex and humor. But it'll all pay off in the future, believe me. ;)

**sippurp123:** Thank you so much for you review! Glad you like what's going on with Link and Zelda. I will try to update as often as possible but my vacation ends on Wednesday, at which time I'll be busy at work, so the updates may slow down then. But I'm going to dedicate as much of my free time as possible to this story, as I'm really fired up about it. :)

* * *

**Chapter Five**

**Don't Look Back In Anger  
**

While Dedede continued to spasm on the dining table, bleeding out from both his front and back, Dr. Mario simply scratched his head, as if trying to diagnose the problem.

"I think-a you need to lose some weight, Dedede."

"This is probably the first time you've seen Mario like this, so I won't say 'I told you so'," Peach told Kirby. While petting the pink fluffball, she realized he was really rather like a silky balloon in terms of surface texture. "Truth is, he's only a doctor in his imagination. Probably gets high off his own supply."

"I shoulda listened to you," Kirby said sadly, watching Dedede flop about until he passed out and medically died of internal hemorrhaging.

Everyone held their breath, except for Wario, who began to puke in his bowl of Koopa soup, the Wii Fit Trainers, who vacated the scene, and Diddy Kong, who used the opportunity to steal the last banana split from under Pac-Man's non-existent nose.

Five excruciating seconds after official brain death, Dedede's wounds patched themselves. His vitals kicked back in and he gasped for breath, and then stood back up on the table.

"Ha! Haaaaaaaaah! Ho... holy shit. Holy shit," he said in a deep voice, grabbing at his chest. He quickly spun around to face Mario, who was taking a long drought of mead from a drinking horn. "Damn, sonny. That was some straight-up _dumb_ shit y'all just pulled, Mario. Like, really, really dumb. Fo' real. Now them lobster tails be all covered in blood."

Dedede ate them anyway.

"The hell, man! You could have left one for me!" Kirby yelled.

ROB burst in from the kitchen and took one look at the mess the dining hall had become.

"Better than yesterday," it said chirpily, and began to wipe the blood off the floor while humming Guile's theme.

Kirby looked around the room, which had now emptied for the most part. "Where'd everyone go?"

"Probably to watch the fight," said a tired-looking Bowser, who was using a napkin to wipe the blood and food off his face. "This whole affair is making me ill. I'm going to shower, then head to the library to continue my research. Peach, I'd like to talk later today, if you'd be so inclined. It's rather important."

"Of course, Koops," she said. "Just give me a ring."

Still carrying Kirby, Peach walked out of the room and towards the nearest unoccupied balcony, where they caught a glimpse of the destruction that was being wrought on Mega Man.

Fox was punishing the Bomber at close quarters, slamming him on the floor, and then performing a scissor kick from the ground as his opponent was launched into the air, sending him higher still. Fox then leapt and performed a jumping kick, which sent Mega Man rebounding off of the castle's outer walls and back into his mid-air corkscrew attack.

"Sheeyit. Dat new boy, he be a dick alright, but I almost feel bad fo' 'im," said Dedede. "Almost... ah, well. Back to dessert. Come on, Kirbs."

"I'll pass on the food," he said, squinting across the way. "Looks like Lucario's starting a betting pool over there. I'ma check it out. Thanks again, Peach."

As the penguin and the puffball left the scene, Peach was left alone with Samus to watch the destruction. The bounty hunter had just shed her big metal suit and was now leaning ever so comfortably on the railing, her luscious assets hanging out, both front and back. Her body was so mesmerizing it took a lot of willpower to stop even Peach from staring.

"You know," Samus began, "I should probably be greatly offended by this. But I'm not. It's actually kind of hot."

Peach smiled. "You probably won't believe me, but I understand completely."

"Oh, I believe you, all right," said the bounty hunter. "No offense. It's just... based on all those pictures in the hallways I figured you've been fought over more than any other woman in existence. I'm kind of jealous."

Peach rolled her eyes. "Not to burst your bubble, Ms. Aran, but I'm fairly sure the whole rivalry between Mario and Bowser is a big act. I just wish I understood _why, _and how I'm supposed to fit in. Maybe it's a front to justify the benefits of the war economy."

"That's not too far-fetched of a theory. And call me 'Samus.' We've known each other long enough."

"Very well, Samus," Peach said with a smile. The name rolled off her tongue rather easily.

"Isn't it curious how some of us remember more than others?"

Peach twiddled her thumbs. "I don't know if it's a curse or a blessing, but everyone from the Mushroom Kingdom boasts a somewhat larger pool of collected memories."

"Trust me, it's a blessing. From what I remember, my life wasn't that great, but I'd still give anything to know who I really am. And I hope we find out what the deal is with this gaudy place fairly soon. I need to get back to my world."

"Any particular reason? Do you not like it here?"

Samus paused to consider her answer. _I do kind of like it here_, she thought. _As an adoptive child and a nomad, I don't remember much of home, but what I do recall was terribly lonely. Does it even exist anymore?  
_

"Ah, sorry. I didn't mean to pry-"

"No, no, it's fine. I've just... never really thought about it, but I do like it here," Samus replied with a smile. "You and the others have been very kind. The food's good, and the recreational facilities are top-notch. Still, I have this feeling like I'm needed somewhere else, you know?"

Peach nodded. "Definitely. If I really am a princess, then my people need me, too."

"GWAAAAH!" Fox screamed as he was flung into a tree, and then back towards Mega Man's flaming sword. He dodged the attack, used his reflector to bounce back Mega Man's neutral shots, and went in to combo him again when the Blue Bomber got stunned.

"Looks like your boyfriend is cleaning up," said Peach, somewhat wistfully. _Meanwhile, my ex is too busy drowning his sorrows. 'Ex'. Ha! I'll have to get used to calling him that. And I need to finalize all the arrangements with Zelda before he trashes my side of the suite... if only someone could help him._

The princess wiped a tear from her face discreetly; so discreetly, in fact, that Samus registered it as a yawn.

Ms. Aran was never too good at reacting promptly to others' emotions. "I... um. I need to use the ladies' room. If... uh... you ever want to talk or something, let me know," she said with a nod. "I dwell in 204, right beside Zelda."

"O-of course," Peach replied, a little stunned. It was the first time she'd ever heard Samus say something of the sort. "Thanks for the offer. I'll seeya around."

"Laters."

As she walked away, Samus felt a pain in her chest.

_What the hell is your problem? She was going to tell you something. Peach was going to open herself up to you! Why are you so afraid? Are you trying to protect your ego, or are you just stupid? She's one of the kindest people here. It isn't as if you have anything to lose by listening._

_No! No, I mustn't make friends here. I need to focus on winning. Maybe if I win enough matches, I'll get to go home._

_Ugh! Who are you fooling? That isn't the real reason you're avoiding anyone who wants to open up to you. Hell, you _need _friendship and support to survive here. No woman is an island. Even the strongest person in the Galaxy needs to vent once in a while._

So dazed was the bounty hunter that she nearly walked straight into Zelda, who was, oddly enough, making towards their mutual friend on the balcony.

"Oh! Sorry, Zelda," she said, gazing down at the regal brunette.

"It's fine," Zelda replied, unfazed, and then puckered her brow as Samus strode even faster off the scene.

The Hylian reeled from the strength of Samus' self-effacing thought cycle. One of the unpleasant things about her ability was that more often than not, she couldn't exactly control what she overheard or opt to shut the feelings out, especially if the other person was projecting or actively engaging with their thoughts.

"Man," she said aloud as she reached the French doors. "That poor woman really needs to connect with someone who isn't a narcissistic fox."

"Pardon?" Peach called from the balcony's tea table. She handed Zelda a cup of Earl Grey, black, with half a sugar cube, just the way she liked it.

"Ah, I just encountered Ms. Aran. She was mentally cursing herself out for being too afraid to get close to you."

Peach raised an eyebrow. "Spoilers much? I don't think you're supposed to be sharing other people's personal thoughts. That crosses, like, so many ethical boundaries."

Zelda nodded. "I know, I know. I only mention it because it really seems like you'd be great friends. She's my neighbor; I can't help but listen in once in a while. She respects you, Peachie, more than you'll ever know. The way you handle yourself, especially."

"You mean the way I hide my emotions, more like," Peach said wryly. "I suppress my feelings until they fester into a big ball of neuroses. Maybe if I'd acted out earlier, I could have-"

The other princess put her gloved hand on Peach's arm. "You did everything you could to help Mario. To be honest, I think that his condition must have carried over from wherever he came from. He took to the bottle like he was born holding one. I've told you time and again, there's a lot of pain going on in that head of his. Do you remember what it was like the first time he tried to quit?"

"I remember…" said Peach, though she almost wished she could forget.

_How difficult was it to tolerate thee? Let me count the ways._

_He'd wake up screaming at three in the morning. Break into Donkey Kong's room and smack him with a hammer. Break into Bowser's room and toss him out the window. He'd crush furniture by jumping on it repeatedly. Steal vehicles and drive them through the castle and into the gardens. It was weeks of dealing with the vomit, the stench, the cursing, and the groping. I'd be giving him sponge baths when no one else would go near him. Fun times, those were._

"If I overstepped my boundaries, Peach, I-"

"No, you're right. We tried everything we could. We sat him down. Tried to get him to talk about his latent problems, his memories, over and over… so that he could get some kind of closure for the past. But that stubborn man just won't budge. He won't speak a word. Even you can't get through his alcohol-muddied brain. Nothing works."

"He's in Luigi's hands now. Speaking of those memories, you share some of them too, don't you?" Zelda asked. "They come to the surface sometimes. You can't fool a genuine mind reader."

"I… I'm not sure."

"Fascinating. I don't sense that you're lying. Perhaps it's a mechanism your subconscious has employed. Or maybe I can just see into your head better than you can. If you will, please humor a theory Link and I have toyed around with. What if we are all actually suppressing our memories, rather than having forgotten them? That would explain why some of us have strong positive or negative recollections. They're the ones that won't be silenced."

Peach massaged her temples. "Ugh. Do not want. By the gods, this is heavy."

"Cheer up, emo girl. Let's take a walk down to the tennis courts."

To keep the mood light-hearted, the princesses changed the subject and instead began discussing various topics of gossip and rumors, especially regarding the Newcomers. These the narrator decided were of little general importance to this tale, especially since Ness and Sheik were able to catch them before they hit the tennis court.

"Sheik!" Zelda cried, spotting the duo walking towards them. She closed her eyes in concentration for a moment. "And Ness. Ah... I see. You wish for me to help you understand your nightmares."

"H-h-how did you know that?" Ness said incredulously.

Peach, too, was rather surprised. To her knowledge, only Link, Sheik, and herself knew about Zelda's power, and she'd always seemed content to keep it that way.

"That's for me to speculate on, and you to find out once I've reached a logical conclusion as to the origin of my unique power," said Zelda with a smile. "But I understand this is a matter of utmost importance. First off, we'll need a quiet place. Someplace where I won't be bothered by any distractions."

The princess looked over the way to see Yoshi ogling them from atop a palm tree. Having been caught, the dinosaur slid down the tree and hid in some nearby bushes.

Realizing that their dismissal of his temporary distraction meant he was still off the hook, Yoshi snickered and adjusted the antenna on his remote control.

When no one was looking, a small, quiet car with an upward-facing camera mounted atop it dashed out from underneath Zelda's skirt and made its way under Peach's.

* * *

Luigi peeked through the blinds of his office, gazing out at the Smashgrounds below. His eyebags told the story of a man worn down by his myriad daily duties. He peeked on over to his brother, sitting nearly passed out on his leather chair, a wet towel draped over his red face.

"We've been through this many times, brother. You're not a doctor."

"Fuck-a you. I have a degree, bitch."

Luigi slammed his palm on the tabletop.

"That's an expired _Mario Party _stamp card! It's worthless! Listen. You drove Peach away again, drank every last drop of alcohol on the second floor, smashed the kart trophy cabinets, and peed all over the hallway screaming, and I'm quoting Kirby here, 'Hey, ladies. Mario is on the menu! I'm gonna FLUDD some ovaries tonight!' Then you practically murdered one of our fellow Smashers at lunch. That's sure a great way to-a welcome our new fighters."

"Izzzz not a-murder. Not unless it was intentional. Malpractice, if anything. And I don't remember any of-a that other shit. Kirby's just a-stirring the pot."

"What are you, now, a lawyer, too? Don't you have anything to say for yourself? To_ your own brother_, of all people, who's taken over this job that _no one else_ wants?"

"No one's a-makin' you do it," Mario shrugged. "Look't me! I'm a free man! Happier than I ever was!"

"That's because you're always intoxicated," said Luigi. "Wait till you get off that shit and see what the real world is like. It ain't pretty."

At this, Mario burst out into dark laughter. "The 'real world', you say? There ain't anything _real _about it. _Fuori de testa, Luigi! _It's not a-me that's crazy! You know as well as I do what this place is! You just can't admit it to yourself!"

Luigi took another swig, but neglected to pour Mario's offered glass.

"Empty words. Tell me something I don't know, or get out of my office before I lose it."

"Even if I could remember anything, brother, you're still not a-ready," Mario said between hiccups. "I get it. You're afraid of what you might learn. Ya sure don't want to end up like me. Let's have another, eh?" He begged, reaching for the bottle. "I just lost a-my girlfriend, _paisano_."

Luigi pulled it away. "Pathetic. What do you think Peach would say if she could see you now?"

At the mention of Peach's name, gigantic tears began welling up in Mario's eyes. "W-why? Why you gotta say it like-a that?"

"Because the more you try to forget about her, the worse it's a-gonna be for you. We'll talk more later."

"I think-a you mean you'll talk, and-a I'll drink."

"Some Toads are gonna take you to the bathhouse and clean ya up. I got business to take care of," Luigi said, and then turned to Falco. "Get 'im outta my sight."

The bird placed a wing on Mario's shoulder. It was promptly smacked away.

"Don't treat a-me like I don't know where the door is."

With that, Mario stood, tripped on his feet, and fell to the floor. He then picked himself up and waddled out of the office.

Luigi lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. _Maybe if you started acting like a man again, I'd treat you like one._

"Who's first on the list?" he called out.

Falco checked his clipboard. "Pikachu, Godfather. Says he needs some help dealing with an old friend."

"Le sigh. Very well. Let him in."

The doors soon opened to two familiar Pokemon – Pikachu, with a pair of sunglasses resting atop his head, and Meowth, who followed him around as a translator. The yellow mouse had his throng of supermodel-looking groupies wait in the lobby, bidding them goodbye with tiny electric kisses.

"Pika, pika, Pikachu," he said as he strode into Luigi's dusty chambers and kissed the Don's hand.

Meowth cleared his throat. "The venerable Pikachu would like to extend his gracious thanks to the Don for seeing him on such short notice."

Luigi smirked as he poured their drinks. "It isn't every day I get flattered so. There's serious business on your mind, and hardly enough time on mine. What can I do you for?"

"Piiiika. Pi-ka-chu, pi-pi. Kaaachu. Pika pi!"

"Pikachu says, he don't remember none of this, but apparently, there's this guy, a human. Name of Ash. Says we was on a TV show together. Apparently he pulled some stupid shit and got himself fired and replaced by a look-alike. Now, he spends every day spamming my voicemail, asking for a handout. I told him he should act like a man. But he won't stop begging me to kick-start his career. It's pathetic."

"Do you take ice?" Luigi asked, to which Pikachu nodded. Falco passed over two glasses of rum, and the four drank together.

"So I take it you'd like for me to help your friend."

Pikachu burst into uncontrollable laughter. "P-p-piiiiii! Pika pi pi! Pikaaaaaaaa!"

"He says, with all due respect, no fuckin' way, man," Meowth said. "Quite the contrary. He wants to troll the living shit out of him until Ash's mental state regresses to that of a developmentally-challenged two-year-old, and for the big punchline, he needs your help. You do have a large degree of control over the Smash City TV programming, do you not?"

"Indeed, we do," Luigi said, scratching his head. "And to do this thing, I would require a significant favor in return from yours truly, of course, at a later date. But this all begs the question… why?"

The electric mouse lowered his voice and flashed a devilish grin. "Piiiiika."

"My, that sounded ominous," Falco quipped.

Meowth looked at Pikachu quizzically. "For the… _lulz_, he says. Whateva that means."

* * *

Hey everyone! How's my writing? Please let me know what you think with a Review or Follow! It would mean more to me than you'll ever know. Thanks!


	6. Goddess in Purgatory

**Author's Note:** Hey everyone! Sorry this update took a little longer. Work has been insane, so I might be slowing down to 1-2 updates a week until things quiet down.

**sipurp123:** I'm very glad you enjoy the Mario and Peach thread and how the characters in general are progressing. They will be featured a lot in the future. I decided early on that I wanted to play certain characters straight while others (Mega Man) would be off-the-wall. Zelda is starting look like as important of a character as Link.

**Guest:** So happy that you're liking how things are developing! Thanks for your thoughts.

* * *

**Chapter Six**

**Goddess in Purgatory  
**

"Where is it they sell cigarettes around here?" Palutena grumbled.

"No idea, 'Teena," replied Pit.

"Don't call me that. My lecherous old dad used that name. Call me 'Bobette'."

"Yes, Bobette."

"I like how subservient you are. And that you get off on doing as you're told. It really turns me on."

"Really?"

"Well, it's a different sort of turn-on than I believe I'm used to."

"And what would that be?"

"Bondage. Kidnapping hot twinks and fucking them straight. Vore. Necro. Tying up Hades, teasing him with a vibrating cock ring and making him beg for me, then anally violating him with my staff."

"Really, now." Pit did not sound convinced.

"I'm dead serious. I don't remember much about being a Goddess, but I do know that I personally take great enjoyment in being creative in bed. You should be taking notes. And by _should_,I mean take notes _now_."

"Y-y-yes, ma'am," Pit said, pulling out his smartphone. "I'm r-r-ready."

"Your Mistress also enjoys long walks on skull-covered beaches, bukkake, heavy metal, tentacles, the lesser known works of Dostoevsky, and cocaine. Oh, and passionate sex with Viridi."

"Viri-who?"

Palutena whipped out a polaroid of a diminutive, moë-looking Nature Goddess.

"WHAT? _Her?_" he yelled. He recalled the woman's childlike face and bossy attitude, if nothing else."That's disgusting! She's… she's like, a little girl!"

"Puh-lease. Don't let her looks fool you. She's at least as old as I am, and just as horny. I don't usually discuss my age, but after the first few thousand years, vanilla sex starts to lose its luster. Nothing a newly devirginized angel like you would know."

Pit rolled his eyes. _Really, Bobette? You think you're thousands of years old? I guess she seriously believes the act, in her persona as this 'Goddess'. If you're truly a Goddess, then why are you trapped in Purgatory to fight with us? If everyone's immortal, then no one is truly alive. I thought you were smarter than me. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. Or has your CPU's circuitry truly been fried to the core?_

"Milady, we can't exactly be sure about our origins. Where we come from, why we're here…"

Palutena scoffed. "So? Nothing is certain, but faith can make or break reality. My destiny is what I believe it will be."

"Th-that makes no sense at all. The laws of physics and nature do not bend to one person's will and desires."

"Hey! Did I just hear a coherent thought come from your mouth?"

Pit gulped. "Ma'am, I-"

She leapt atop the boy and slammed him against the ground, and then climbed atop him and bared her teeth, her face hovering mere inches above his own. "Critical thinking is the mark of a heretic. Are you challenging your Goddess' authority?! I _make _the laws of physics and nature, dammit, and I say there's power in positive thinking! It's the law of attraction! You simply have to picture yourself fucking the hottest, sexiest, sweatiest models in the universe. Just picture it really, really hard, and it'll end up happening. It's never been an issue for me. In fact, allow me to offer a demonstration. I will fuck the next group of men I see out of her senses."

With that, Palutena leapt up and fixed her hair.

_You're hopeless_, Pit thought as he gathered himself. _Of course men are gonna want to fuck you. You're ageless, hot, and willing. I just wish I could make you happy._

"What were you thinking just now?" she demanded.

"N-nothing!"

"Good," she said, and then kissed him passionately, biting his tongue at the end.

As they continued walking, she had one more thing to add. "By the way, I hope you're cool with cuckolding. Because I don't believe in monogamy, or monoamory."

"What's monogamy? Is that, like, a disease, or-"

"Yes. Yes, it is."

But Pit wasn't so sure. As the duo walked past one of the central swimming pool areas, a loud fit of coughing caught Palutena's attention. She wandered off the path to investigate.

Captain Olimar, Ike, Popo, Game and Watch, Lucario, and Kirby were all soaking in the rejuvenating hot springs, passing around Ike's bong. The gaggling group of gentlemen gaped at the Goddess, who stood with her arms crossed, much resembling a bossy schoolteacher. Her very presence silenced their discussion on the ratio of Rosalina's measurements relative to her ridiculous height.

"Hot damn. Just what _is_ that pungent aroma?" she asked.

"Uhhh… I think it's called… fuck, man, what's it called, again?" Ike asked Lucario, his eyes never leaving the Goddess' shapely figure.

"Diced Chikorita Intestine, I believe. Private Reserve," the Pokemon broadcasted psychically, after inspecting his one-ounce bag. "It's a particularly potent strain of marijuana."

"So it's… a plant… and you're… smoking it? Through that glass contraption?"

The guys all looked at each other before turning back to the Goddess.

"Yeah," said Olimar, who just received the bong. "Wanna try some?"

"Fuck yeah," she said chirpily, then kicked off her sandals and dipped her dainty feet in the tub.

_Oh, brother, _Pit thought, standing off to the side. "B-b-be careful. D-don't take too much of it…"

But Palutena was already a master of bong-lighting. She drew in a humongous hit, much to the astonishment of the other guys, and exhaled a cloud that was over twice her size.

"No way that's your first time," said Kirby.

"I agree! No way indeed! That went down pretty smoothly," she said, and began to peel off her dress.

"Oh," she said, stopping halfway and throwing a bashful look. "Silly old me. I forgot to ask. Would it be okay if I joined you?"

With her index finger resting at the tip of her lips, 'Bobette' eyed each of the men with a more suggestive look than the last, until they were all hers.

Five heads nodded in unison.

"Yeah-" "Sure-" "I don't see why not-"

With nothing on but a sports bra and a pair of boyshorts, Palutena took a dip in the water, and emanated the most delightful little moan.

Once underneath, with her eyes closed, she felt her health rejuvenate. She heard the sounds of her far-off Skyworld. Saw images of her Centurion Army facing off against the Underworld's minions. When she finally surfaced, it was to see Pit struggling with the bong. He kept on burning his thumb trying to light it.

"It's really not that tough," said Ike. "Hold it sideways, bro. The flame always wants to rise."

"Hey, I'm trying, okay?" Pit whined.

"Wow," Palutena said, lying with her back against the hot jets. "This feels fucking incredible. Who… who is that between my legs? Aaaaahhhh…"

This extremely hot display shut up the other guys. Olimar immediately dove underwater to see what exactly was happening to Palutena's pearly gates.

As it so happened, Game and Watch had transformed into an octopus and was wrapping his tentacles around Palutena's thighs, with three of them positioned between them. They had woven through her boyshorts, and one spread her lips while another massaged her clit. The slightly shorter tentacle that contained GW's actual penis was working on gently penetrating her; its long-dormant muscles throbbed as its thin tip navigated her insides.

"Oh! Oh, yes! That's so fuckin' good! I love that you can tickle and pickle me at the same time!"

Olimar resurfaced. "It's GW," he announced.

"Bet you fifty coins he's finished in two minutes," said Lucario.

"You're on," replied Olimar, putting on a stopwatch.

Popo toked up, Yoshi-ing the bowl.

"Lucky bastard," Ike mumbled, and wiped away a tear. "I'm so proud of him." _And to think, just a couple of hours ago he was suicidal._

The other guys kind of looked at one another in confusion and awkwardness.

"Um… should we… leave?" Lucario asked. "We can go, Lady P."

"No! Please don't go! I… I really like having you all watch me," she said, struggling for breath. "A lot."

Palutena looked over at Ike, who was perhaps the most bashful. "Y-y-you wanna be next, big boy?"

Ike was so flushed and bothered, he could hardly believe his ears. "M-m-me?"

"Sorry, that'll have to wait," a deep voice intoned. Meta-Knight flew in from above and lightly shook his head at the display. He held out a holographic clipboard. "Ike and Lucario, you guys are both being summoned to fight, ASAP."

And just like that, Ike's spirits sank like the Titanic.

"What the hell's the deal-io, batty? I thought this afternoon was gonna be Fox, Diddy Kong, DK, and Mega Man." Lucario psychically groaned over Palutena's moans, which were escalating in volume.

"Well, you see… Donkey Kong is catatonic again. He's doin' that staring at the sun thing, burning his retina out over and over. It don't make for good TV. Meanwhile, Diddy's an emotional wreck. So, yeah. If you guys could just come with me, that'd be greaaat."

"Aw, c'mon man," Ike protested, though he could barely be heard over Palutena's voice and GW's beeps and boops. "Just give us about half an hour. Loop some old fight. We'll make it up later."

"No can do, ol' sport. You know the rules. No reruns. And we can't have dead air out there. Not… even… for… a se—cond…"

But even Meta-Knight was rendered speechless by what was happening. G&W's tentacles had completely engulfed its prey, and its penis-tentacle, now fully extended and throbbing in waves, began to full-on fuck Palutena in earnest. The Deep Impact of its thick girth could be seen from the outside of her stomach, and the fiery Armageddon in her eyes.

"YEAH! YEAH, GW! By the Old Gods and the New, you're a hell of a lay, you know that? Show me all you've got! Take me to the edge of meaning!"

"BEEP BEEP BEEP!"

Suddenly, the eight-legged fuck machine kicked into overdrive and began pumping her like a piston, prompting the Goddess to screech like a banshee.

"Light up my pussy! If you don't come inside me, I'll fucking destroy you!"

"RIIIIIIIIING!"

Then something went SPLOOOSH! – it was the kinda sound that lay perfectly in between a wet fart and a water main bursting. And Palutena had disappeared.

Ike tilted his head up. From the explosive force of GW's eruption, Palutena had been fired straight into the air like a bottle rocket.

"SEMEN FLOOD! Evacuate!" Olimar yelled.

All the other guys immediately vacated the hot springs as GW's white ink flooded the area.

"What'd I tell you? Two minutes."

Olimar held up his stopwatch. "Two minutes, fifty-two seconds."

"Okay, well, that's now, right? He came over a fifty-two seconds ago. Amirite?"

"Dude, not even close."

"You fuckin' jerk off! Pay up!"

Popo tripped Lucario, knocking him into the pool.

Still in an orgasmic daze, Palutena fumbled on her recovery, leaving her ill-equipped for landing. Her torn underwear left her naked for all the Smashgrounds to see.

"I got her!" Ike cried, running directly under Palutena's shadow.

But it was Kirby who got to her first – he'd leapt into the air and inhaled the Goddess, then dropped back down and let her off gently by the poolside.

Post-transformation, Kirby admired his new hairdo.

"Huh. I look like a _Chia Pet_."

Palutena frazzled the green mop-top. "Aww! That's just so adorable!" she cried, and then turned to Ike. "You ready?"

But Ike was still kind of in shock at what had just happened. "Milady… you almost…"

"Shhh." she said, backing him up against the towel shack and gently running her hands over his upper arms. "Just be good to me, Ikey-wikey."

The thought occurred to Meta-Knight to check the time, but it quickly vacated his mind at the sight of Palutena wrapping herself around Ike and biting his ears.


	7. Pale Traces

**Chapter Seven**

**Pale Traces**

The click-clacking of Zelda's boot heels on the marble floor only made Ness more nervous as the quartet made their way to a little-used wing of the gigantic castle grounds. Upon noticing the kid's hesitation, Zelda took his hand.

"No need to be afraid," Zelda said. "I can't promise you that I can cure your nightmares, Ness. But at the very least, there might be a chance that we can start to understand them."

Zelda creaked open the doors to the Meditation Hall, a private, rarely-used, soundproofed room.

Sitting cross-legged by the front, a teary-eyed Diddy Kong turned briefly to regard the newcomers. In a flash of recognition, Zelda peeked into the primate's head.

She sensed sadness, fear, and a longing for understanding. _That poor ape, _Zelda thought. _He's still torn up over Donkey Kong. And why wouldn't he be? The two were inseparable. Outside of battle, DK's practically a vegetable now._

"I'll handle this," Peach whispered, and walked up to the front.

But Diddy Kong was already preparing to leave. He put his cap back on and nodded to Peach on his way out.

"Sorry to disturb you, Diddy," Peach said, offering a handkerchief. "Please."

He held up a palm to politely refuse, cracked a smile, and left. Peach then turned to Zelda.

"Should we stay, or…?"

"If you can spare the time, wait outside and guard the door," Zelda said as she knelt down and placed her hands on Ness' temples. "I really don't want to be interrupted."

Peach and Sheik exited the stage.

Zelda checked the time on Ness' watch. 2:52 PM.

After a few deep breaths, Zelda closed her eyes and plunged in. The unfiltered stream of recollections was overwhelming. Sensation after sensation flooded her. Every time she tried to latch on to a specific memory, some dark power embedded deep within the boy's subconscious would sever her neural connection. Finally, she was able to grab a hold of a particular scene and fight the dark power. This felt like a key moment in Ness' cache – upon closer inspection, the boy himself seemed to be guarding it, forcing himself to remember what the dark powers so wanted him to forget.

"No, no, please!" Ness cried, struggling against his restraints.

Some heavy device flopped about on his head, and zapped him if he moved too much. A blinding light was shining into Ness' eyes, making it difficult to get a handle on the surroundings.

The room was dark. A laboratory? Tesla coils abounded in the corners, lightning bolts zipping between them. A loud boom echoed from the outside. _A thunderstorm?_

A dark, bespectacled figure loomed over Ness, a massive helmet on his head and a syringe in hand. "Y'know, this would be a lot easier if you just took it like a man. Believe you me, this ain't my idea of a vacation, neither."

"Why are you doing this? You've betrayed us! You'll be causing everyone s-s-so much pain!"

"Honestly, I'd love to explain it to you, laddie. I really would. But I've been debugging this puppy all night, it's total chaos out there, we're obviously short on time, and my flight to the Sunshine Islands leaves in… two hours. That doesn't leave us much time. Just know this. You're doing good work, Ness. Important work. You're protecting the sanctity of the realm," the mysterious figure said, injecting some cold, stinging, silvery liquid directly into Ness' brain.

"AAAAAUUUGGHHHH!"

The figure tapped him on the shoulder. "Look lively, kiddo. The bosses are watching."

With that, he strode away, into the darkness.

Zelda tried to pinpoint where the 'bosses' would be watching from, but it wasn't easy with near-zero visibility. Perhaps they weren't even physically present.

"Heave! Aaaaaand… now!"

The booming shook the tower's very foundations. A chandelier fell from hundreds of feet up and exploded on the floor not too far from Ness.

Now, the origin of what sounded like thunderbolts became much clearer. It was a battering ram, trying to break down the castle wall.

"We won't let you get away with this! Release him, right this instant!"

"Lucas!" Ness cried out, though his voice came out parched as a Dry Bones' skull. "It's a trap! Get out of here!"

Just then, the air before Ness became slightly distorted. An individual wearing some kind of invisibility cloak grabbed the boy's neck and squeezed tight.

"You'll keep quiet if you know what's best for you," the voice said. It was garbled, and therefore unidentifiable.

"T-t-traitor…" he managed once the phantom had let go.

Another ram almost tore the far wall down. A clot of dust falling warped in the phantom's wake, showing that he was setting a trap above the wall.

The mysterious mad scientist's phone rang. He promptly jumped to answer it. "Hey, boss. Yessir. Them Pikachus are giving it all they've got. Just awaiting your orders. On the count of three? Right on. All right, sonny boy! You ready for this? One…"

"Think about what you're doing, Gadd!" Ness cried.

"Two…"

"We could _all_ be free of this!"

"Three!"

Ness' body spasmed and shook in total agony as tens of thousands of volts of electricity went coursing through him. The electricity acted as a catalyst for the fluid injected into Ness' brain, turning him into a bloodthirsty killing machine.

The child's voice was now that of a demonic beast. "Feed me!"

"Yes! Yes!" Gadd yelled giddily. "Punish the infidels! They know too much!"

Much to her horror, Zelda felt Ness' consciousness expand beyond his physical body; the feeling was incredible, as if he had become a superbeing.

And then, she was everyone at once. Just outside the wall, she was Lucas. Mario. Donkey Kong. Olimar… even herself, and Link…

Ness' consciousness had become a marionette puppeteer that took control of literally everyone, and then some. The forty-odd people fell to their knees, clutching their ears to block out some godawful sound. Like a discordant screech, its frequency caused their bodies to convulse violently.

As if that wasn't bad enough, from a balcony high above, a levitating sorcerer fired barrages of lightning spears at the combatants.

Wario, Bowser, Nana, Popo, and what looked like a cartoon version of Link stood awkwardly upright, as puppets on a string, and leapt to their deaths. With what little Zelda could sense of their mental states, they were fighting the impulses as best they could, but Ness' influence was too strong.

Mario, Donkey Kong, Samus, and Link alone stood against the noise. While Pit spun his bow into the Angel Ring move, nimbly deflecting the lightning spears, the others grabbed the giant battering ram and flung it one final time against the castle walls.

The stones crumbled, crushing Yoshi and Olimar. Mario leapt over their bodies and dodged several falling Thwomps, followed by his three allies.

As they entered, the cloaked phantom ambushed them with unseen attacks. One by one, the struggling combatants were beaten down to the floor.

At a certain point, Gadd put on a pair of heavy earmuffs and hit a button on his handheld device, a cross between a tablet and a gamepad.

Ness suddenly erupted into an insane bout of screeching, which became unbearable to the heroes. They each fell, one by one.

To peek inside anyone else's heads for insight proved impossible for Zelda. She was already tapping into one person's mind, and to enter another's from Ness' already-strained consciousness, the author realized, would be some_ Inception_-level shit.

Now that all his targets were eliminated, E. Gadd's contraption wound down. The machine emitted a low hum as its operations slowed. _The boy's near passing out,_ Zelda realized. _I've gotta get a grip on my surroundings before I get sent back._

Slowing her perception, Zelda briefly spotted among the passed-out or dead inhabitants other Smashers she must have forgotten about.

T'was a shame the battle had ended so prematurely at the gates. All had fallen a mere two hundred meters from their target, just outside this dark castle floating high up above… where? There were star clusters, but no clouds, and the whole structure appeared to be rotating. Were they in space? If so, Earth should be just around the corner. There was no time to tell.

Someone approached from the distance, behind the pack… observing the whole scene. Who was it?

The figure approached, but Ness' memory self soon lost consciousness, and the dark castle faded away.

Finally, Zelda opened her eyes. Her hands were shaking, her heart was near bursting from excitement, and her eyes were filled with tears.

Strangely safe thanks to Zelda's absorbing most of the mental shock and shielding him, Ness ran over to catch her from falling flat on her face.

"Zelda! Can you breathe?"

"I… I just need a second." She glanced at the clock again. 2:54 PM.

_I experienced all that… in two minutes…_

Ness held her close. "Peach! Sheik!"

The two guards burst in to help their friend.

"What happened?" Sheik asked.

"I… I don't know," Ness said, worriedly. "We were lost in a memory. My memory."

"Only, it was kinda blurry. Not many details," Zelda mumbled, drawing a rectangle with her fingers to illustrate a television.

_We're being watched, guys. We can't share this type of knowledge so freely; not right now, at any rate._

The princess pulled out her royal comb and hairspray; Peach jumped in and helped fix her friend's hair up. Apparently, it actually helped to stimulate her thought process.

"You helped me put together the bigger picture. That can't have been easy, or fun," said Ness. "I really can't thank you enough."

"Thank me when this is over," Zelda sighed. "Ness, you're a great guy and everything, which is why I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think we can trust you."

Ness' expression turned to one of grave disappointment, and then absolute fear; he bit his lip to keep from losing it and held himself together, trying to catch the eyes of his captors, one by one. "What do you intend to do to me?"

"Ness…" Peach said, kneeling down to hold his hands. "We won't hurt you. Right, Zelly?"

Zelda nodded. "There's a lot we need to learn to figure this out. For the time being, you'll be living under our close observation. I'll explain on the way."

At the idea of a change of scenery, Peach perked up. "Where are we going?"

Zelda searched her subconscious. _Could any of my friends here be the traitor? Doubtful. Peach and Sheik I would trust with my life. But the cameras are always watching. If the Ominous Voice (or Voices, now that I know there's more than one) can control Ness… and there's a traitor among us who might be able to activate his power… I'll play my cards as close to my chest as possible for now._

"The library. I need to see the Walking Encyclopedia. There's stuff we have to know ASAP, and Bowser's our big ticket."

* * *

Thanks once more for reading this unusually-paced and written fic! Hope you enjoyed it and feel free to leave constructive feedback as well!


	8. Breakin' the Law

**A/N:** So I'm in the middle of battling a nasty summer fever and am pretty useless at work. Hopefully these next two chapters turned out OK though!

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

**Breakin' the Law**

* * *

After entering the enclosed wine cellar, Samus raised an eyebrow at Fox, who was juggling Mega Man all over the small, concrete space by kicking and bouncing him off the walls repeatedly. The bounty hunter put up her Scan Visor to see that Mega Man was at 999% damage.

"How do ya like them apples?" Fox snickered.

"Hey. Isn't that enough?"

The mercenary spun around and regarded his girlfriend. "You're not worried about this fool, are you? This is nothin', babe. We're just having fun."

"Uncle…" Mega Man struggled to say. "Please… I'll suck yer furry cock if ya want. Just lemme go…"

Samus looked at him with pity. "Knock him past the boundaries of the castle grounds. It'll be considered a KO."

"Awww, c'mon babe, let me have my fun."

"You two lovebirds will have plenty of time to fight in the afternoon session. You're on shift with Diddy and DK in about twenty minutes."

At this, Fox stopped juggling Mega Man, letting the poor robot slam unchecked into the floor.

"Damn, son. Did you hear that? You and I are gonna be playing together _all afternoon._"

"That's nice…" Mega Man moaned, and then tried to stand up. "I'll… get a chance to redeem myself against yer dirty tactics. Honestly, ya fight like a Mexican jumping bean with a fire poker up your ass."

Fox kicked Mega Man into the air, sending him on a rebounding spree. "Still talking back, eh?"

"Honey, stop," said Samus. "Let's get a cup of coffee before your match."

"Why?"

"Would you believe me if I told you I just wanted to talk?"

"Bah, fine," said Fox, and used his Reflector to send Mega Man flying again, this time into a wine casket. He landed and smashed head-first into a wall. Fox walked out of there, laughing.

"Come see me when you've gotten used to the physics around here," Fox quipped.

"Fuckin' physics…" Mega Man said.

"I'm sorry about him," Samus said quietly. "By the way, you can bounce more softly off those walls when you get hit by pushing against them at the right moment. It just takes a little practice."

Mega Man just nodded, his spirit having been broken. As Samus turned around, he caught his eyes drawn to that perfectly shaped ass of hers, and a little ditty started goin' through his head.

_I reflect on my erection, and I ask myself the question: can I win her affection? _

_And if I do, should I use protection? _

_Oh, no. I just don't know…_

_Am I a man? Or am I a moron?  
(Am I a moron?)_

'_Coz if I'm a moron, then I'm a very manly moron  
(Very manly moron)_

_Am I a moron… or am I a man?  
(Am I a man?)_

_If I'm a man, then I'm a moron of a man  
(Moron of a man)_

_When I look into those eyes  
I just want her to recognize  
That together we should realize  
My bad self deep inside… of her…  
_

(the original song, "Man or Muppet" was written by Bret McKenzie)

* * *

The Female Villager was wandering around just beyond the castle grounds, nearing the perimeter of the islands without a care when she stumbled upon several large column-shaped buildings laid out in the shape of a hexagon. Within each column was a warp pipe that led up to an elevated, open-air outdoor arena.

_Might as well see what's up there!_

She traveled through the pipe and appeared on the stands watching an epic showdown between Link and Marth. It appeared that she was the only audience member.

Link's boomerang had missed, and Marth quickly ran in for a forward slash. The Hylian rolled, only to absorb a low strike. Marth followed up with a flurry of combination hits, dancing as he sliced away at his opponent.

"Omigod so hot." Watching the lithe young swordsmen thrust, parry, slice, counter-attack, kick, throw items at and generally touch one another aggressively, the Female Villager started to sweat all over. Hidden in the stands, she began to gently rub herself.

Link was sent flying off the stage, only to return mere moments later.

"You're a nimble one, Marth," he said, swiping a stray bang from before his eyes. "But this isn't even my final form."

Marth dodged Link's incoming bombs, boomerang, and arrows in quick succession, and had a tough time moving in to strike. Finally, Link had a chance to sneak in and perform a forward slash to get Marth off his feet.

Link chased the swordsman as he bounced off the ground, and then followed up with a jumping kick and a thrown bomb once Marth was launched into the air. The Hylian then slashed upwards three times in quick succession to knock his opponent higher still, but Marth countered, sending Link off his feet.

Just then, the prince gave chase and initiated the beginnings of an aerial mix-up, but the Hylian was too quick. He predicted the attack, stunned with an arrow, and then shot forth his hookshot to reel Marth in for a throw.

"You're fighting well today," Marth told Link in Japanese.

"I know," replied Link with a knowing smirk, and held the expression perhaps an instant too long.

Marth broke free. Link caught him again, and didn't falter in punishing him this time. The young prince was sent flying, and Link's charging aerial game finished him off with seconds to spare on the clock.

The final score? Two stock down on either side, and both at less than 10%. A perfect tie.

"Was it as good for you as it was for me?" Link asked Marth.

"Yeah, it was a lot of fun," Marth replied in between heavy breaths.

The two hugged briefly and shook hands. The Female Villager had been rubbing herself vigorously. She pictured the scene as the two went to the shower together – each checking out the other's shapely bodies through the steam, their pecs finely chiseled in as if by a Renaissance artist and his young page.

She imagined seventeen-year-old Link draping his arm around sixteen-year-old Marth and carefully soaping him in all the right places.

_Link would start between the shoulders and make his way slowly up to the neck, then tease him by rubbing their cheeks together._

_Marth would be a tad shy and try to resist, but this would have been kind of a regular thing between them. _

_Though, who would be on top? They are kind of both tops._

_Anyway, Link would take the initiative because he is slightly older and hornier. He'd be stroking Marth, pressing his warm body up against Marth's… and then his left hand's index and middle fingers, lubricated in octorok oil, would find their way up against Marth's butthole._

"_Itai! Itai!" Marth would say as Link gently wiggles his index finger up into his poop chute._

"_Shhh. Don't worry. I'm almost there."_

_As Link wiggles his finger against Marth's prostate again and again, the prince would be unable to resist. He'd be hard as a rock, ready for anything, especially Link's reach-around. The Hylian would stroke his love-muffin until he'd grow weak at the knees._

"_Sempai… ahhhh…" the prince would cry out. "It feels too good… slower…"_

"_You're not ready yet?"_

_Marth shook his head._

"_You don't like it when I have the upper hand on you. I've got the range advantage."_

"_O-only from a distance. My Legendary Falchion…"_

"_Is no match for my Master Sword."_

_At this, Link would ease the tip of his penis against Marth's buttocks…_

So lost was the Female Villager in her reverie that she failed to notice the Camera Lakitu floating by, capturing her every movement.

"Eeek!" she cried as she opened her eyes and stopped touching herself. "What the _fuck_? Don't you guys know the first thing about respecting our privacy?"

The Camera Lakitu smiled and kept its distance. "Sorry, ma'am. But there's no such thing as privacy anymore. No one around here owns the airspace, per se. We're living under Total Anarchy rules."

"What in the world does that mean?"

"Look it up, Missy. Anarchy means "a system of government without rulers." So as long as we aren't hurting or stealing from anyone, we can do pretty much anything we want here."

"Y-you're stealing from me! You stole my innocence!"

"You're welcome to take it to a people's or arbitration court if you like, ma'am. I'm just doing my job. Don't worry, this probably won't be broadcast. It's too pornographic for regular programming and, no offense, not hot enough for Pay-Per-View."

"Probably? What the hell! Who do I talk to about this?! Delete that shit now!"

With that, the Lakitu took off, leaving the Female Villager in a rather rotten mood. She descended the pillar a little dazed and took to wandering inside the castle grounds.

Finally, she found a little nook to sit around in, nestled between two trees and seated on some mulch, made a sad post to tumblr from her phone, and began sobbing.

_He saw me… with his camera… I feel so… so violated… but I can't talk to anyone about it._

She heard voices approaching, and listened closely.

"Can't believe I won three hundred coins accurately predicting the moment that Mega Man guy got his spirit broken," said Kirby to Greninja, who just kind of laughed. "You could see it in his eyes. It was undeniable. One moment, he was gung-ho, ready to kill. The next, zip. I saw Fox land _the most_ insane combos, dude. The cherry on top's when he dropped trou and marked his territory. Poor blue feller. Went from pissed-off to pissed-on in half a second, flat. That was a hell of a sight, I tell ya. Maybe I oughta take buy him a drink or two tonight. You wanna join us?"

"Wark, wark, wark."

"That's true. He might start thinking I want to be his friend or something. I dunno. I wouldn't exactly say that I hate him or nothin', he isn't a bad guy. Just needs to get used to how things work 'round here. But think about it, aight?"

The Female Villager burst from her hiding spot, startling the two approaching guys.

"Ah! Excuse me, did you just say you were gambling? Isn't that, like, illegal?"

"Legal? What the hell does that mean?" Kirby asked.

"It… means it's not allowed."

"Not allowed by whom?"

"Um, by… by the people!"

"You mean, like, us? A collective?"

"Yeah! Don't you have a Mayor?"

"The fuck's a Mayor?"

"He's someone who… like… lays out all the rules? And… and he has guys to enforce them, too?"

"Again, not sure what you mean by these 'rules'."

"Y'know! They dictate accepted behaviors!"

"Sure, there's certain conditions we need to meet in order to win, like, a versus match, but nothing that carries on outside of battle. It's a total and complete anarchy here."

"Oh…" the Female Villager said, with a moment of shocking realization. "So… what if someone does something… bad to someone else?"

"Like a fight or disagreement? Well, the fight will be made public, and others will pick sides or watch, and shit will be decided either on or off the battlefield. Mostly on it."

"No, no. Not like a fight…"

"Um… not sure what you're talking about. Do you mean, like, theft? 'Coz thieves are subjected to a grueling training regimen."

"It's, like… you know… Do I need to spell it out for you? When a woman doesn't want something to happen to her, and… and something happens to her…"

"Something like what?"

"I don't know! She gets touched by some guy or something."

"Well, she can just tell him, 'no,'" said Kirby. "Or she can tell another guy and he'll beat the shit out of that first guy."

"But what if the guy doesn't stop? What if he, you know… takes advantage of her? I'm talking about rape here!"

"Rape?" Kirby asked. Greninja seemed just as surprised at the word. "Never even heard of that."

"I… is that so?" the Female Villager replied, knees shaking. "M-m-maybe it's underreported. Must be that the women here either don't know what it is, or aren't aware of how damaging it is to them."

"I'm… really not sure that's even a thing over here," said Kirby, scratching his head. "Maybe it is in… other places?"

"This is a crime against humanity!" the Female Villager cried. "Don't you understand, without any form of government to protect us, we can be raped at any second? Our every orifices can be taken advantage of! Our bodies made out to be objects of pleasure for any willing male?"

"Um…" Greninja started, and then leapt off the scene.

"Wait!" Kirby cried, floating on after him. But the Female Villager caught him in her net.

"You're right, Kirby! We need to spread the word! Educate the unenlightened! But first, we gotta have a plan! What are you doing just standing around like a limp puffer fish? This is, like, a national emergency!"

"Help! I'm being oppressed!" screamed Kirby as the Female Villager quickly shoved him into a cage with a phone book, a rotary phone, and a large stack of paperwork.

"We need to fill out all these petition forms!" cried the Villager. "We need people to agree that an official armed government needs to be set up! Get me thirty thousand signatures, names, and addresses. Stat!"

"I- I'm sorry, Female Villager. I see you feel very strongly about this, but I just don't have the time-"

"Then you support murder and child rape? Are you a Flat-Earther, too? God, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"I… I don't support those things," Kirby said sadly. "Not at all! I mean, that shit is probably really bad. But it just doesn't happen-"

"It does! I know it does!" she fumed. "Get on making those calls if you want some dinner!"

Tears welling up in his eyes, Kirby's stubby hands shook as he reached for the rotary phone.

* * *

The next chapter is coming soon! And it will be a little shorter than this one. :) Thank you for reading!


	9. Limelight

**Chapter Nine**

**Limelight**

* * *

"What's that you've got there?" Ganondorf grinned, looming over Yoshi, who was masturbating in the bushes over his live hidden cam footage. "Looks like some Original Content!"

Shocked, the dinosaur grabbed his RC car and controller and made a run for it. Ganon dashed across the way to catch him but missed completely.

Thankfully, Little Mac ambushed the dinosaur and caught him into a combo with Ganon, who began to pummel the guy senseless.

"Trollface McGee! You thought you could get away with being an independent upskirt artist on my island and keep it a secret?"

"Yoshi! Yoshi!" (I was gonna give you a cut! I just wanted to enjoy it first! Honest.) The dino pleaded, deep bruises welling up on his face.

"You yield? Three percent on sales. It's actually pretty generous once you think about it."

"Yoshi…" (I never heard such a raw deal in my life.)

"Good. 'Coz now you're working for me, Yoshimitsu McYoshi." Ganon slapped Yoshi playfully. "I'll give you 100 coins down and a pair of Nana's panties for exclusive rights to the files."

He shook his head.

"Zelda's panties?"

_Hmmm. According to my intel, those are like, months old_, Yoshi thought._ Probably crusty as hell. Not gonna get out of this easily, though. Ganon isn't the type to strike hard bargains with._

"Yoshi!" (Agreed!)

Ganon took the data files and handed Yoshi a blank one. "Keep the camera, kid. I've got my own equipment. You wouldn't happen to have made a copy of this, would you?"

Yoshi shook his head rather aggressively.

"'Coz if ya did… and you don't tell me about it, it won't be pretty. Now get to work. As for your next assignment… I'm in need of some new Princess Peach material."

* * *

The Male Villager wandered into the vast, vast library, which much resembled the one in the Disney film _Beauty and the Beast_, a factoid he would never personally come to know.

There was one who did know it, however, and he was sitting, one massive yellow leg crossed around the other, smoking a hookah and reading Haruki Murakami's "Hard-boiled Wonderland at the End of the World." This old-timer looked up from his book, adjusted his glasses, and took in the Newcomer's presence.

"Welcome to the Smashgrounds, young fellow."

The Villager's eyes widened with immediate wonder. Here he was, the one and only…

"K-King Bowser! It's such an honor. I didn't get a chance to speak to you at lunch."

The Koopa King smiled wryly. "It's an honor to be recognized, Male Villager."

"Yeah, man! I had no idea you actually existed. See, my neighbor has a statue of you. And pardon me, but you don't seem-"

"Much as you might have expected? I understand. And I'll take that as a compliment, as it is my personal belief that we are all but thespians, playing a role on the stage."

"I feel like I've heard that before. Some guy named Shakesman?"

"No idea. But it's just one of my outlandish theories. I'd elaborate, but we're not alone here."

The Villager looked around. In the corner, Rosalina was sitting on a beanbag, reading 'Life of Pi' to a large congregation of Lumas. It was altogether a familiar sequence.

"I don't get it," the Villager said. "You can't talk with them around?"

"It isn't Madam Rosalina I'm worried about," replied Bowser, with his claw pointed towards the television in the corner.

On the telly, Fox was beating up Mega Man. It was really a rather one-sided fight.

"I'm sure Luigi informed you, but perhaps the full truth hasn't become clear yet. You know how our very existences are being filmed and broadcast to Smash City at all times outside of our private quarters?"

"Yes?"

"Well, that isn't just for the masses' entertainment. There's a far more sinister reason those Ominous Voice fellows have got this place under constant surveillance. It's to keep us all in line."

The Villager scratched his head. "I still don't understand. What is it they're afraid of?"

"Haha! Who knows, my boy? Us, perhaps. Perhaps they fear that once we discover the truth, we'll be out of here, or lose the will to continue fighting."

"Ah, I see. It must be quite a shocking truth, then."

"You ask good questions, young one. Perhaps you'd be interested in some history?"

Bowser gestured towards a photo album sitting on the table before them.

The Villager thumbed through it. Photographs. Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Toad, Yoshi, Wario, Waluigi, and even Bowser himself. All stood posing on a tennis court. He flipped the page to see a plethora of highlights from exhibition matches. On the next page, they were posing on a golf course, followed by a smattering of shots from the green. Next, they were playing football (soccer). There was a selection of pics and stats from their three-on-three basketball stint. And finally, a bunch of summer and winter Olympic events with a group of foreigners from another land, including a blue hedgehog.

"Wow, you guys play a lot of sports."

"Interesting, right? Imagine the kind of training and fitness programs we've had to endure. I must say, that Mario fellow is rather nimble. Still, the whole endeavor seems rather silly to me. And then there's the matter of my so-called children."

Mopingly, Bowser flipped onto a page with the Koopalings, each one dorkier-looking than the last. "Please tell me those aren't my real kids."

"Um. I don't exactly see the resemblance. I mean, the spiky shells, sure, but they could be from anyone."

"Maybe they won a casting call or something, right?"

"Could be. Could also be their mom was a real dweeb. No offense."

At this, the King laughed up a storm. "I like you, Male Villager. Do you have a nickname, by the way? It really just doesn't roll off the tongue."

"Male Villager… Malevi… Malvill… Mel… Melville?"

"Melville it is."

"All this talk of your family begs the question, King Bowser. With such a rich history, how is it that none of you remember any of this?"

He chuckled, and motioned for the kid to read on. "Oh, there are a few things I remember. But we can save those for another time. It seems we have some guests."

The doors opened to Princesses Peach and Zelda, with Sheik and Ness following behind them.

"Good afternoon, Rosalina and the Lumas," Peach said with a slight curtsy. "As for King Koopa, you probably were expecting me to come alone, but these are exceptional circumstances."

"Indeed!" Bowser replied excitedly. There was no doubt; all these women gathered together at once must have meant that there was some serious information afoot. "Let's hear it!"

* * *

Pac-Man snorted a line of cocaine off of Nana's belly, prompting the very intoxicated female ice climber to giggle in ecstasy. He rubbed his face all over her, and then began to nibble at her stomach.

"Nom nom nom, my, you're a tasty one."

The yellow fellow began to coat his dick with lube, and did the same to Nana's behind. She cringed and squirmed when he proceeded to slowly penetrate her anus.

"So… pain…"

"Shhh… shh… that a girl. Let daddy fill you up."

He placed a finger in Nana's mouth, and gently moved it in and out, savoring the wetness as he continued to pound her ass.

"You're mine, girl. All mine… Can't get me enough of that sweet, old-school piece of ass. When I… uh… first saw you… mmmmnnn… I never knew… how hot you'd be… the Missus can watch all she likes, but she'll never have this sexy beast. Never again."

Suddenly, the phone started to ring. He put on his Bluetooth earpiece.

"Puck here. Uh. Yeah. The library? Who is it? Damn. All right, I'll be there in a jiffy."

_Oh, shit. She might have heard something._

He held a chloroform towel over Nana's face, knocking her out before he left the room.

* * *

"Stretch your right leg. Good."

Mario's tongue nearly gagged him. The Wii Fit Trainer's ridiculous stretching exercises had been grating on him for the past couple of hours. He really wasn't sure how much more he could take.

"Mamma mia! My body was not a-meant to take-a this kind of torture!"

"And… hold…"

"AUUGHH! YOU FUCKING BITCH! MAKE IT END!"

"Good."

Mario fell onto the floor, and held himself in place. His double vision was really fucking with his senses.

"Can I have just one… just one swig?"

"Would you like to start again?"

"No. I just want-a my Peachykins back."

"Good. Now, change legs."

The plumber groaned as he shifted his position. There was a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the first aid kit, which had to be located somewhere. He mentally pictured every possible location, and found that the act of indulging his imagination calmed his nerves.

* * *

"Pikachu…" the yellow demon said, face-down on the massage table as Machamp gave Pikachu the pint-sized version of his famous Rock Smash massage.

"What'd he say, sugar?" A sixteen-year-old blonde groupie asked Meowth, who was getting his tummy rubbed in all the right ways.

"Ah… he says… he says someone get him his cell phone and put it on speaker. He's gotta make a call."

The redhead reached over for the Pokemon superstar's phone. She took a quick glance at two-hundred and seventy-four unread messages and a hundred and three voicemails.

"Chuu. Pikapi. Chuu chuu Kachu!"

"Says, 'there should be a contact named 'Bitchface Life-Ruining Whiny Limpdick'. He says, call that punk-ass motherfucker and give Meowth the phone... sir… are ya sure about this?" Meowth asked, worriedly.

"Kachu."

The phone began to ring.

It rang again.

And a third time.

"H-hello? Pikachu?"

"Pika." / "Yeah, it's me."

The voice, tired and raspy, turned as chipper as it could. "Ah! You're with Meowth! I'm so glad you finally returned my calls! I was starting to think you weren't…"

"Kaaaaaaaa. Pika pika pikachuuuuu! Chu chuu pika." / "Well, ya thought wrong. The hell you keep bugging me for? You serious about wanting to do another show?"

"Yes! Yes, more than anything! It would mean the world to me!"

"Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa." / "I see."

"Would you ever really consider it?"

"Pika pika piii." / "You'll find out tomorrow."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Piiiikachu! Kachu! Chu Chu!" / "It's the Monita Show. She'll be doing a reunion special for you and I! It'll be a new start, partner!"

"R-r-really?"

"Pika pi. Pikachu. Ka pika pichu piiiika pika pi." / "Sure. I wasn't gonna tell ya, since it's supposed to be a surprise and all, but I wanted to make sure you were on the level. All you've gotta do is show up in your classic getup, cry during the sad parts o' your story, laugh at the funny ones, and just put on a good, tearjerking show tomorrow. We'll have the audience in our pockets. The exposure alone is priceless. We'll discuss the reunion show then. I get to write all our scripts, and all anxillary rights. You dig?"

"I understand. T-thank you so much for this opport-"

Pikachu clicked his headset off and burst out in maniacal laughter. Even Meowth, who was laughing a while at first just to be polite, admittedly grew a little scared when Pikachu continued laughing deep into the afternoon.

* * *

Whew! Sorry not much has happened in these updates. Shit's about to get real pretty soon, I assure y'all! Thanks again for reading and have a great day!


	10. The Longest Day

**sippurp123: **That Female Villager sure has an overactive imagination! I apologize in advance for the POSSIBILITY of more Link x Marth fantasies. I imagine a recurring thread going on...

**Anyone** and **Guest**: Thank you for your comments and support! It really helps to hear that I'm not the only one who enjoys my sense of humor! XD The next few chapters will be a bit more serious in nature, however.

**A/N: **Soooo... I'm posting this from the pre-registration line at Anime Expo, and let me tell you, there's an imbalance in the Force this year. To paraphrase Flight of the Conchords, there's too many dicks on the LACC floor. If you just so happen to be at the con and want to hang out, drop me a line!

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

**The Longest Day**

"I'm monkey food if I don't leave!" the annoying Frog conducting the train cried. The video feed of its unlovable face soon disappeared, leaving a scrambled mess of static in its wake. After the signal finally cut out, the magnetic train slowed to a grinding halt on the tracks.

"This is WAY PAST ridiculous," said Sonic the Hedgehog, finally standing from his seat and grabbing his luggage. He looked once more over the itinerary map. There were no landmarks; all that was there was a list of stops.

Sonic pulled open the car door and looked up and down the rails as far as his giant egg-white single eye blob thing could see.

"Putting the fastest thing alive on a lame-o train like this was an insult to begin with."

He charged up his spin dash and boosted far away on the rail tracks.

* * *

The owner of the Ominous Voice reclined on his desk throne, rotating a touch-sensitive sphere in each hand. He was actively switching between several dozen of the one hundred and twenty-eight Smash City channels at once, and the Smashgrounds' live feeds, adjusting the relative sizes of each screen and the primary sound outputs on the 120' x 120' Jumbotron before him.

He could see that in Smash City, Mewtwo was ice-skating with the Gardevoir he'd met the week prior.

In the same mall, Lyn and Saki walked by rather stunned at a crowd of excited cosplayers who wanted them to join their group photo.

On the other end of town, underneath a small rain cloud, Wario was mumbling about his debts, gambling and otherwise. He was uttering some hurtful, self-aggrandizing, borderline suicidal thoughts.

Doing battle on the Battlefield Platform were Fox, Mega Man, Olimar, and Marth, the last two having been summoned as last-minute replacements. None of them were on their A-game, but it was an interesting match. Mega Man was improving by the second, and had become quite proficient at directional influence.

While the Female Villager began to pen the first of many one-shot Link x Marth lemons, Kirby was desperately trying to explain to confused people on the phone just why they needed a central government, and found himself at a loss as to describing what "rape" and "male privilege" were.

Waiting on a bench by the Warp Pipes up to the Smashgrounds and doing a few chin-ups to pass the time, the Male Wii Fit Trainer forgot that the Female Wii Fit Trainer was on the main island, helping Mario to sweat all the excess alcohol from his system, and would not be going shopping with him.

King Dedede was alone in the gaming rec room, playing Skyrim on one of the gaming PCs while hitting a blunt.

And up in the Smashgrounds, Link was sleeping in his quarters.

In the courtyard, Ike, Lucario, Game and Watch, Palutena and Popo were involved in more trouble than they'd asked for. Having heard Palutena's screaming, the rapidly hardening Captain Falcon, covered in Sex Panther cologne, had leapt into the hot springs area and slyly slipped Popo out from underneath the Goddess after he came for the third time. He was now balls-deep inside of her and loving every moment of it.

And lastly, in the library, Bowser and Zelda were on the verge of another monumental discovery. There was no doubt: they'd be coming up to meet their makers once again.

_So here we are, on the precipice of our fateful meeting. Will this be another case of lather, rinse and repeat? How many times have we gone through this scenario, guys?_

The Ominous Voice flexed its muscles and channeled a massive amount of energy from the Ether into preparing its body for the upcoming battle.

"This is not a drill," the Voice broadcast telepathically throughout the whole complex. "All personnel, prepare the base for an all-out strike. I repeat, prepare all defenses. Looking like scenario 'Crystal', but that's subject to change. Section Managers, see me personally."

_It's going to be another one of those long-ass nights._

* * *

Ike was long-spent on the floor when he awoke to see Palutena triple-teaming Lucario (who was humping her mouth), Meta-Knight (who'd latched onto her behind), and Captain Falcon (who was balls-deep into her glory hole, penetrating her slowly and tightly).

In part because the scene was immensely hot and in part because he needed to quell his nervous energy, Pit was jerking off by the poolside.

"Beep!" Mr. Game and Watch enunciated, handing Ike a refreshing cup of iced tea.

"Hey, thanks, man!"

"Ring! Ring!" he blurted out, a little more terrified, holding up an Etch-A-Sketch. It was a picture that simply read, 'Look up!'

Ike looked up. And he did not like what he saw. Both Master and Crazy Hand were hovering above the proceedings.

"What's going on?" Ike asked rather loudly, still a little dazed. It was difficult to be heard over Palutena's screaming.

GW quickly scribbled on the device: 'You're about to get fucked! I think the TV ratings are so good that they're waiting for her to quit fucking.'

"And you think that'll be… soon?"

'It's been five hours. Not even Aphrodite can last forever. You and Lucario need to get the hell out of here before those Hands lobotomize you!'

"Good call."

Ike analyzed the situation. _The sun's setting. Fox left the wine cellar door open. Lucario's about sixty feet away, and it takes me two and a half seconds to get to top sprinting speed. Taking into account my dodging the whiplash from Lucario's dong smacking against his thigh after I yank him from Palutena's mouth, that gives me just enough time to make it across the hundred-foot courtyard before Crazy Hand's missiles stun me into Master Hand's grab attack._

"Here goes nothing!"

Ike bravely dashed forward, yanked Lucario from Palutena's mouth, whipped him around so that his dong hit his thigh and not Ike's face, and short-hopped over a barrage of magic missiles. Lucario, confused and writhing in pain from having his balls smacked at top speed, reflexively Aura-kicked against Ike by accident, sending them both slightly off-course, but enough to land them just short of their target.

"Goddamn it!" Ike cried as Master Hand's grab attack enclosed him. He slashed against the Hand, but it would not let go. He felt his very bones crushing from the impact, one by one, but was unable to bleed out or die. He could only scream against the agonizing pain as his organs, muscles, and bones all repaired themselves again, just to be broken in different places, snapping and reforming all sorts of nerve endings within milliseconds.

"No! Fuck! Make it stop!"

Ike's brain functions were unable to bear the rapid influx of pain, and his central nervous system shut down entirely. He had become catatonic. Only a strong electrical shock shook him back to his senses. Master Hand tossed him hard against the wall. Having whiplashed, Ike's head took on a great deal of damage, and his neck broke, only to snap back and repair itself again; this affront to his spinal cord was the last straw, and the mercenary rolled onto his back and bit his lip to bear the infernal pain. Desperately in need of regeneration, he was temporarily paralyzed.

"Ike… you have disobeyed a direct order to battle. Luckily, this was your first time. Know that what you have experienced is but a taste of the punishment you shall receive if you ever do it again," the Ominous Voice said.

Meanwhile, Crazy Hand was doing the same thing to Lucario, only with more intensity.

"Gwahahaha!" The Ominous Voice boomed from seemingly every surface. "Forgive me, Lucario, but this is your third strike. You've lost the right to your soul."

"No! Please!" the Pokemon cried. "I never meant for this! I'll change! I promise! I'll never miss another fight!"

But as the Voice belted out in maniacal cackling once more, the Crazy Hand slammed itself – with Lucario within its grasp – against the towel shed, repeatedly, until the building had crumbled to dust. It then smashed Lucario himself flat onto the floor, where both hands proceeded to beat him to a tender pulp.

Just then, a beam of light shot forth and stunned both Hands.

"Stop! In the name of love!" Palutena cried out from behind a tall pair of shoulders.

Ike couldn't believe what he was seeing. The Goddess had her legs wrapped around Captain Falcon's back, and was bouncing up and down on his thick cock as he waddled to and fro, knees bent.

"Ahhh!" she screamed, and spun around.

Falcon barely dodged a deadly poking combo. Palutena channeled another large beam of light.

"Leave my boytoys alone!"

But her attack missed, and Captain Falcon had to dodge a flying fist and an attempted deadly clap.

"Ha!" the Ominous Voice jeered. "You are a Goddess only when we intend you to be, Palutena. Here, you're on the same playing field as anyone else."

Captain Falcon, for his part, was having a tough time keeping his knees straight while running as Palutena was nearing her eighty-second climax of the afternoon and pumping him hard.

"H-hey, 'Bobette', I'm… kind of… having trouble running… with you… on me… like that…"

"'Bobette' isn't… ah, harder… yes! Even a real name! Ugh! Call me Jeanne."

"J-Jeanne… g-got it…"

"Don't… you have... AH! A… a flying car…?"

"Right!"

Falcon dug in his pockets for the key ring.

"Ah, shit! It must… be in my… ahhh… breast pocket! Beneath… buttons!"

"Must I do everything?"

Palutena held her breath – her bare nipples magically clenched together around Captain Falcon's breast pocket buttons, undid them, and probed for his key ring. Finally, they hit the command to summon over the Blue Falcon.

"You're truly… a surprising woman."

She smiled. "They can tie… shoelaces… too."

With the vehicle's arrival, a wailing guitar riff filled the air, catching Link's sensitive ears, far-off in the library. But that shit's gonna come into play later.

In a game-changing split-second, Captain Falcon and Palutena rolled into the Blue Falcon's opened cockpit, dodged a deadly poke attack, and drove by to pick up Ike and what was left of Lucario, which wasn't much.

As for Pit, he'd been smacked out of the pool area by a stray slap aimed at the FalconTena before he came. He disappeared as a fading star in the distance. A little boy far below in the City made a wish on that star for an accordion. It never came to pass, and instead, the boy was sold into the sex trade and lived the rest of his short life in utter misery.

It was near-impossible for Falcon to steer and even harder to see out of the overburdened F-Zero racer, which somehow made it out of the courtyard, through the main hall, between the bridges in the Electroplankton Garden, down the waterslide into the moat, and off the Smashgrounds entirely, resulting in a two-thousand-foot vertical freefall from the floating island.

"Bail!" Captain Falcon cried, ejecting everyone, who proceeded to use their recovery moves one by one to slow their descent into the sea.

"Grrrrrrrrgggghhhh…" the Lucario-husk managed, drooling.

"Snap out of it, man!" Captain Falcon yelled, still caught in mid-fuck.

A large tentacle-wielding sea beast leapt up from the depths, gaining incredible altitude.

After switching to a midair wheelbarrow position, Palutena toasted two approaching tentacles in quick succession. Captain Falcon was about to charge up a Falcon Punch™ to take care of the infringer for good, when suddenly, one of Bowser's incoming cargo airships ascended from below to pick up the falling combatants, and quickly dropped back into formation with the rest of the traffic coming into the Smash City Harbor.

When the Master and Crazy Hands arrived on the scene, their targets were gone entirely.

"How could they…? They must have had some help. Search the docks," the Ominous Voice said quietly, but not quietly enough.

_We've lost them for now_, Ike thought, hiding within a barrel on the deck of the airship. _I guess they can't automatically detect us. Yet somehow, I suppose it's just a matter of time. Until that happens, we need to come up with a game plan._

"YES!" Captain Falcon belted out as Palutena humped him like there was no tomorrow.

"Keep it the fuck down, you fucking fucks," Ike whispered frantically. "There's a time and place for that!"

* * *

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for Ch. 11!


	11. Everybody's Got Something To Hide

**Chapter Eleven**

**Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey**

"Huh," said Bowser, who was still trying to absorb and react to the impact of Ness' story. "You have quite a rare power indeed, Zelda. Thanks to your ability, it appears we… we now have the missing piece to our puzzle."

He poured himself another drink, and asked around the table if anyone else was thirsty. Recently added party member Rosalina had a sip of her sangria. Zelda and Peach took a beer each, but Sheik and Ness both went with one less.

"_A _missing piece," Zelda corrected him. "All we've discovered is how our memories are erased. There's still so much we haven't made progress on. The identity of our oppressors, for instance, and why they feel the need to keep us in the dark."

"There isn't much time to explain all we know to you, Melville," Bowser admitted, "but just in case we lose our memories in the near future…"

"Which is a very likely scenario, by the way," added Peach.

"Yes… in case that happens, maybe you'll be the only one who remembers. Or maybe you won't. I'm not sure how many times the rest of us have had this or any similar conversations, but as far as this iteration of my memory is concerned, this is the furthest we've ever gotten. I can't allow you to hear any more of our Order's secrets until you swear the Oath."

"We really don't have time for this," Sheik piped in, a little annoyed.

But Bowser shook his head. "Tradition is tradition. Zelda and Peach, be dears and fetch Link, Diddy, Luigi, and Mario. There might be more to learn from their memories, and we need to make plans ASAP."

"I'll take care of the plumbers," Zelda piped in, saving Peach from an awkward reunion with Mario. "Link should be either just finishing his training or sleeping in his quarters."

Peach nodded her thanks. "I think Mario was set to finish his session with the Wii Fit Trainer around this time, and Luigi ought to be with Falco in his office. If not, he's likely playing billiards to let off some steam."

_And I haven't even had a chance to pack my stuff_, Peach groaned on the inside. _Shush! You worry about your ex later, princess. There's fate-of-the-world stuff going on right now._

Both women split up from the others, leaving a dead silence hanging in the air.

"Um… about this Order thing… are there any membership fees?" Melville asked.

"No. But you do get this cool pin and a sticker. Not to mention there's coupons in our mailing list."

"Sweet! Free swag!"

Bowser cleared his throat and motioned to Rosalina. "Excuse me, Mother of Lumas. Would you do the honor of initiating the Male Villager to our little club?"

Rosalina nodded and perked up. "If it please the Order."

The tall woman stood across from the Male Villager. One of the Lumas, Steve, put a paper bag over Melville's head. Another Luma pulled down the Villager's shorts and held a live taser up to the man's testicles.

"Now, Male Villager, also known as Melville, I'm going to need you to pledge that you will never betray The Truth-Seekers," Rosalina said.

"I will never betray The Truth-Seekers."

"Really now? Do you swear it?"

"I swear it!"

Rosalina's sweet voice was full of authority. "Who do you swear it by?"

"I swear it on my life, and the lives of my pet fish, Zooey, Emma, and Natalie. I also swear by the moon and the stars and the sky, and to Gautama Buddha, to Optimus Prime, to the Lord of Light, to Hironobu Sakaguchi, to Chuck Norris, to Sarah Palin, to Gilgamesh, to that talented motherfucker Mos Def, to Madoka Kaname, and to Haruhi Suzumiya. Praise the Sun!"

Bowser pulled off the paper bag. "Damn. I really can't say 'no' to your evocation of Mos Def. All right, kid. Now, feast your eyes on this big block of text."

"What text?"

It was the group pic, with the Koopalings. Realizing his mistake, Bowser flipped to the next page and left the scrapbook in Melville's hands. A lengthy handwritten note greeted him.

"To whom it may concern: My name is Donkey Kong, and this is my life's work. My colleague Bowser and I have been compiling pieces of evidence suggesting that we are (A) all of multiple (possibly artificial) worlds or realities, sloppily united in this one, and (B) linked to the fate of a theorized 'human' world. Please see Exhibits A-J of our investigations, located in the back of this album. These are for the most part loose remnants, little snatches of information gleaned from this library and the highly censored Web access that we're allowed. They are arranged as follows:"

(A) "Pictures of humans wearing "Mario" hats, women dressed up as Samus, Peach, and Zelda, and assorted merchandise. T-shirts. Mugs. Cheap toys that come with cheap meals. Plastic miniature figurine trophies."

(B) "Video clips and images of children playing video game systems at home, with items much resembling the controllers and peripherals on display in the Smashgrounds Castle Halls and Smash City Museums."

(C) "Blurry photographs of what looks like a primitive television program: the 'Super Mario Brothers Super Show'..."

(D) "References to a company called 'Nintendo' abound in photographs taken at various sporting events throughout the years. This name is often omitted or missing in online sources… a screencap of a GameFAQs page has a 'Nintendo' section without any content…"

"It appears that the quality of our virtual representations has been improving with each successive Nintendo-constructed event… how are these universes connected? How are our souls shared between them, if at all? The answers to these questions remain elusive, and more pertinent than ever."

* * *

Peach hesitated before knocking a second time. Diddy Kong motioned for her to go ahead. Link was infamously a heavy sleeper, but she didn't want to be rude.

"Um... Link?"

She creaked open the door to see him sprawled out on the bed, clad in his boxers, dreaming soundly of things other than Marth. Diddy, who'd burst out laughing at the sight, hid in the hallway.

"Link-kun?" Peach repeated, a little louder.

"Mmmmmnnnn... Zelda... lick me... you're so bad, princess. So delicious."

"Link!" Peach cried, now with her hands over her ears. "Wake up!"

"Nuh-uh," Link mumbled while sliding his hand down his boxer-briefs, more than half asleep. "You gotta make Link Junior happy first."

"I'm not Zelda! This is an emergency!"

"You has a nice voice, dream lady. Fuck 'mergencies. My day off. Want sucky sucky."

"Don't you recognize me?"

"...No."

Finally, Peach rolled her eyes and tossed a turnip at Link's butt. It bounced off his bottom, flipped in the air, and bopped him in the noggin.

"Ow! What was that for?"

He then turned, blinked, and regarded the woman at last with his eyes.

"Ahh! Peach!" he yelled, pulling the blankets up to his chin. "Farore, Din, and Nayru! H-how long have you been standing there?"

Peach snapped her fingers and turned away, since her cheeks had turned blood-red. "Th-that really doesn't matter at this point! It's hustle time, Hylian boy!"

* * *

Zelda walked up to Luigi's office only to see the plumber talking one on one with his brother.

"You don't a-know when enough is enough, do you?" Mario pouted. "Keeping me dry is-a one thing, but putting me in a room with-a that creepy-ass fit-a-ness freak-"

"Oh, so it's my fault that this happened? You're gonna blame me for your dumb actions?"

"She was a-torturing me. I'm a-not modeled to stretch like that!"

"That doesn't mean you have the right to lock her in the closet and drink all her medical alcohol! That shit's not for human fucking consumption!"

"As-a if we are human," Mario countered. "And as-a if we need medical alcohol when-a we heal instantaneously."

"You don't just go locking people in closets!"

"AHEM!" Zelda announced as she scooted up to the door. The brothers turned to her. "Sorry to bother you, but there's some stuff going down that you might want to be a part of."

* * *

The Male Villager skipped around the album a bit to process all the mind-blowing information. A concluding note greeted him at the end of the scrapbook.

"As has been demonstrated, these pieces of pop culture and 'leaks' from the theorized parallel 'human' world strongly suggest that our existences go beyond this limited realm. There are gaping holes in our experiences, as we are kept shut up in this city and discouraged from asking questions. The so-called 'Ominous Voices' want to keep us in the dark, forever. I intend to change that. It is my belief that this is done because they are afraid of our true potential. At the moment, the truth of our worlds and the connections between them are murky at best. The only conclusion I can surmise with the current information is that the Ominous Voices are representatives of the company 'Nintendo' (see Exhibit F), made up of human beings who have kidnapped us from our worlds, and are engaged in the business of tormenting our souls to their monetary benefit. This is clearly a cruel and unusual form of dominance, yet sadistic as it is, if this theory is true, our suffering is directly relevant to the company's profit margins. Which is why I will go as far as I can, fly as high as possible, and pierce the heavens if I must, until I've seen all that can be seen, and hopefully gain an audience with our oppressors. There must be a solution to this violence. And I implore you all to join me." – Donkey Roderick Kong

Melville closed the book and turned to Bowser. "Wow."

The Koopa King, who was now hosting a slide show of blurry telescopic images showcasing a rather freaky-looking moon orbiting the planet, skipped ahead to the clearest picture he had.

"Two months ago, that was. DK really believed we could change our future. A day after he wrote that concluding statement… I… I wish I could recall more than a few little things. I know that a good dozen of us hijacked Meta Knight's ship, the _Halberd_. Some stayed behind to battle the Master and Crazy Hands. DK and I led the charge. Our plan was to fly to the edge of this realm, break on through to the other side, and confront the Voices. I seem to recall that we made it here."

He pointed at the large, freaky-faced moon.

"I felt a strong feeling of déjà vu, there," Bowser continued. "At the moon's sole fortress, however, our journey was halted. We were betrayed. DK sacrificed himself to buy us time, but to no avail. Ness was taken, and our memories were 'modified' to forget the incident. Only, I've been able to keep a few. And they always lead me back to some clue or another."

"Who could have done such a thing?"

Sheik shook her head. "It took more than one of us, I'll tell you that. There could be two traitors, or ten. Now, Melville, everything you've learned here today must come as quite a shock."

"You can say that again."

"Well, here's another shocker for you. None of us have any idea how many times the world has been reset. This could be the tenth, hundredth, or even thousandth iteration."

At that, Rosalina looked to Ness. "Perhaps you have some idea, dear?"

Ness shook his head. "When Zelda and I accessed my memory, there was a lot I remembered, yeah. But it was far from the only source of pain and suffering. There were other times. At least a dozen."

"At least?" Bowser double-checked. "Are you sure?"

"I know what I'm saying," replied Ness, a little crossly.

"I meant no offense. I require exactness," said Bowser. "A scientist cannot formulate a proper hypothesis without relevant information. Now, if you all don't mind, I'd like to put my thinking cap on."

At this, Bowser grabbed a pair of headphones and hit 'Play'. Pink Floyd's "Marooned" began in all its prog-rock glory, and David Gilmour's insane solo proceeded to melt his face off. Eyes intensely closed, the Koopa King played passionate air guitar to his Floyd playlist for a good few minutes.

"What a fossil!" Ness joked.

"I find it rather hot," said Sheik. "There's a bit of a mid-life crisis thing going on here, but it's good to see he's got passion. I bet he has an El Camino side project in the garage, too."

"Spot on, girl, except it's a Bowser Bike he's working on. I, too, am fond of the man's devil-may-care attitude," Peach recalled as she led Link into the vast library.

"Evening, everyone," said Link.

The Hylian's ears perked up at a sudden high-pitched sound. "Hold it! I just heard a familiar riff!"

The company spun around to the glass just in time to witness the Blue Falcon appearing, loading up its disheveled passengers and disappearing into the castle, chased by the Master and Crazy Hands.

"It's happening again," groaned Bowser, pulling out his cell phone and calling the Harbormaster. "They're going to hunt us down and clear our minds."

"We need to act tonight," Zelda insisted, entering the room with Luigi in tow. The Don was pushing a wiped-out Mario in a wheelbarrow. She sidled up to Link and gave him a quick kiss.

"Kamek!" Bowser whispered urgently into his phone as he watched the play-by-play on TV. "Need an urgent favor. Comandeer one of those cargo ships. Prepare to catch some guys about to fall below the Smashgrounds. Look for the blue racer. Quickly, now! Hide them well and call me back. No, this doesn't involve the Hands. Yes, you'll be paid for it. Thank you."

"I'm a-going to need a lot of catching up," Luigi said. "So some-a-one explain the situation to your Don."

Once he was off the phone, the Koopa King stood from his chair. "Sorry, Don. I'll explain more once we're aboard the _Halberd_. We gotta hustle. We need to get Samus, Meta-Knight, Olimar, Fox, Falco… Pretty much anyone with an aerial vehicle. They should be on their way to the dining hall by now. Someone text Ganon and Little Mac, too."

"But they're perverts!" Sheik exclaimed.

"They're also huge nerds, like me. Plus, Ganon is a whiz with a video camera, and Little Mac's not half bad on the Battlefield. We need to launch ASAP. Let's go!"

The band of merry companions quickly vacated the room and made their way to the parking garage.

"What the hell was that all about?" Link wondered aloud, since his thoughts were going to be read anyway. "For a second there I thought I saw that green-haired woman wrapped around Captain Falcon."

"Ugh, that new girl," said Zelda, a tinge of disgust in her voice. "I _thought _she was one of those types… from the way she looked at you when she arrived the other day."

"One of what?"

"Nevermind."

"Excuuuuuse me, princess. You're the mind-reader. Let's be fair here."

"Fine. She gave me the vibe of a total slut."

"Jeez laweez. Is sexual promiscuity such a crime?"

"No, but it's unfortunate."

"How so?"

Mario hiccupped as Luigi gained on the duo. "It's-a unfortunate because Zelly gets less attention now."

"Keep those stupid comments in your pocket!" Zelda cried, astonished. She then turned to Link. "And if you think it's so funny, well, mister, you can just go to hell, and that's a promise!"

The princess stormed off, and Link scratched his head. "Thanks, Mario. No sexytime for me tonight."

"If I can't-a get it, why should-a you? Woohoo!"

"Forgive him," Luigi pleaded. "He's in the middle of a bad detox. He knows not what he does."

Link shrugged. "She'll forgive me. She just needs to let off some steam. Here's hoping we get attacked sooner than later. A little excitement always gets her in the mood again."

As the party advanced through the hallways, Pac-Man followed closely behind.

"They're headin' to the hangar," Pac-Man whispered. "Their numbers are increasing by the minute. I say we go for a full-on assault. With the whole team, we can end this, now."

"No…" the Ominous Voice replied, telepathically. "They're rushing when they should be strategizing. If we stop them now, they'll just return at full force. Keep shadowing them. If they are truly dumb enough to mount an attack, we may be able to end this tonight."

_End what? _Pac-Man thought.

"These rebellious attempts. We can bring peace to the Smashverse at last."

"Wait… you can read my mind?"

"Of course we can, dumbass. And we gave Zelda the same power. Only, we've shielded all our operatives with false thoughts. If she relies too much on the surety of her ability, she'll be blind as to who to trust. It's the only reason she still trusts you and the other Insiders. C'mon, Puck. Use that giant head of yours."

"Yes, sir," he sighed. _This whole comeback thing better be worth it._

"Oh, it will be," the Voice assured him. "You'll be on top of the world again."

Yet, no matter how strongly they insisted, or how much evidence they put forth to boost his ego, Pac-Man wouldn't, couldn't, fully allow himself to believe the Voices.

_Forgive me if I don't take you all at face value. There's nothing any of us can do against your power._

"Shhh. Just take solace in the fact that we deemed you worthy enough to work as our Inside Man."

* * *

Thank you so much for reading! Hopefully I can update within the next week. Have a great holiday weekend!


	12. This Day We Fight!

**A/N:** Hey all! I'm very grateful for your patience! Anime Expo was fun, but between all the screenings and shopping for friends and family, I didn't have much time to powwow. I did get to see Keiji Inafune! The line for autographs was ridiculous. I just wanted to tell him how excited I am for Mighty No. 9. More good news: Katsuhiro Otomo's "Short Peace" was flippin' incredible.

I honestly didn't intend it to be, but this chapter is by far the longest yet! Probably 'coz it's doing double duty as a showcase for some Fox and Samus moments, while signalling a bit of a major turning point for Act One.

EDIT: Reassigned a few lines originally mistakenly attributed to Bowser.

**sippurp123:** Thanks again for your review! I just realized you wrote that the Female Villager is a yaoi fangirl 'herself'. Does that mean you're into yaoi? lol. I always thought of Peach and Zelda as BFFs, and was happy that they were standing together at the start of the Subspace Emissary. ^^ And Palutena may be a slut, but at least she's a well-intentioned one!

* * *

**Chapter Twelve**

**This Day We Fight!**

The castle's underground hybrid Hangar/Garage (Hangarage) was certainly one of the most impressive of its set pieces. Nearly three hundred vehicles of every type called it home, most of them craft for quick transport, supply runs, kart racing, or tending the elaborate landscaping on the Smashgrounds' many floating islands.

As it was one of the few places on the grounds that was inaccessible to the Camera Lakitu and therefore among the safest to host a wartime meeting in, the massive room was under 24-hour maintenance by a small army of otherwise homeless Toads, Koopas, and Pikmin, many of whom were flabbergasted at their living and recreational space being intruded on. Now Welfare Toads caught in mid-shower were running about performing pre-flight checks and refueling the dozens of offensive ships.

The Foreman, Peppy Hare, issued orders with the help of his trusty walking stick. The Great Fox was soon up and running, and the Arwings ready to launch. Samus' gunship was also prepped.

With Bowser busy trying to work out the kinks in his holographic projector, Little Mac took the opportunity to inch past Charizard and situate himself beside Ganondorf, who was staring intently at something on his Google Glass device.

"Whatchu got this time?" Mac whispered.

"Lookin' like prime content," Ganon replied.

"Who?"

"The two star-crossed lovebirds." Ganon motioned to the tardy Samus and Fox, who were just entering the Hangarage, from separate entrances. Tellingly, they both looked a little disheveled. "Couldn't resist a quickie, I suppose."

"There's our last two ace pilots!" exclaimed Bowser. "We can now begin the briefing! Ganon, is that thing on?"

Ganon checked the video camera and threw his buddy a thumbs-up. He clapped in front of the lens as a slate for the sound, which Meta-Knight was getting off the boom mic.

"All right, before I begin… any questions?"

Mr. Game and Watch rang a bell. He wrote on his Etch-A-Sketch and had Pac-Man read it aloud.

"GW says we have a few missing people. Does anyone know of their whereabouts? If they're all right?"

Nana, the Female Villager, Kirby, Captain Falcon, Ike, Lucario, Pit, and Palutena were notably absent from the gathering.

"At the risk of revealing too much to any eavesdropping Voices, GW, as far as those in the courtyard are concerned, there's no worry for their safety," Sheik said from behind the holographic display map of the Smashgrounds, which she was having trouble calibrating for real-time settings. "I can't speak for the others."

"Not sure if someone explained this, but why are we here again?" Mega Man piped in from the front row, reclining atop Rush. "Never mind skippin' dinner. I haven't even settled into my room yet."

"Some urgent information has come to light," said Bowser, motioning to Zelda and Ness, who were joining him on the podium. "Please allow us to explain…"

Ganon knew he should be listening to whatever Bowser, Zelda, and Ness were saying, but it couldn't hold a candle to the dirty video Chibi-Robo had brought for him.

* * *

"I… I thought we were going to talk over some coffee," Zero Suit Samus weakly protested as she allowed Fox to tie her hands to the Rococo-era dining chair in her private quarters.

"There's only nine minutes till I'm on Brawl duty. I only brought you here for two reasons," he grinned playfully. "To brew ya some coffee and fuck your mouth senseless. And oh, what's this?"

He upturned a tin of Samus' rather expensive imported grounds, spilling them all over the floor.

"It looks like you're all out of coffee."

A blindfold went in front of Samus' eyes, and she squirmed in her seat as Fox began to lick her sweaty body, along her ears and the nape of her neck at first. He unzipped her suit and ran his tongue down her clavicle, and finally along the tops and sides of her shapely breasts, then circling her areolas…

"It's so warm," she said, shaking as she kicked off her jet boots. Fox could tell she was feeling hot with the windows drawn and the air conditioner off, but he didn't dare to take her blue jumpsuit off past her breasts. _Not yet_, he thought. _I need to make you beg for me._

He sniffed and licked all around her body, an animalistic ritual that Ms. Aran thoroughly enjoyed. It wasn't long before the anthropomorphic fox was groping and feeling up her tits in earnest.

"Ahh… Fox… I can feel every little thing… it's amazing."

"Of course it is," he grinned, and stood impatiently on the wooden arms of Samus' chair, his crotch hanging directly in her face. "Is your body ready?"

"Yes, hon."

"Say it."

"My body is ready."

"Awwwwwwww yeah," Fox said as his pants immediately tented.

"What's so sexy about that line? I don't get it," inquired Samus.

"Shhhhhhh, it doesn't matter," Fox replied as he pushed his cock against his girlfriend's lips.

A little perturbed, she reluctantly took his foxhood in and offered some obediently ornate oral. Samus began slowly at first, and then sped up as Fox grabbed the back of her head and started pushing his 4" length, 2" girth penis down the bounty hunter's throat.

* * *

Ganon pictured dollar and yen signs spinning around in his eyeballs at the hardcore footage Chibi-Robo had captured. The diminutive robot had eked out a perfect little spot on a nearby cabinet and zoomed in on the action.

"Can I see when you're done?" Little Mac asked.

"Fifteen coins says I'll think about it."

* * *

After some time, Fox pulled out of Samus' mouth and slapped her. She recoiled, shaking.

"Ahhh! Honey, why-?"

Fox slapped her hard again. For the third hit, he gave her a backhand. It was so hard that Fox, Samus, and Ganon all held their breath in fear.

"You were slowing down," he explained.

Samus shook her head, wincing from what was sure to be a bruise. "Don't do that."

"A man like me does what he wants." He grabbed her hard by the chin. "Not like that bitch-ass android; I saw 'im checkin' you out earlier. And you looked at him, too. Probably wondering if he was bigger than me, huh? Probably wondering if he'd satisfy you better'n me, yeah?"

"What? Not at all!"

"Good. You gonna let me fuck your mouth again, baby?"

Samus nodded, but Ganon saw that she was putting up a strong act. The tears in her eyes were real as Fox pushed harder, better, faster, and stronger down her mouth with his short but fat cock, rolling it around just so and tapping her gag reflex occasionally.

It was clear that Ms. Aran wasn't enjoying what Fox was doing. This went on as she tried to mumble words to make him stop.

"P-pwease… Venom…"

He yanked his dick from her mouth.

"Hon, did you just say the safe word?"

She nodded, sad to disappoint her lover. "Sorry. It's just…"

Fox raised a hand again, but caught himself before it became a tool for violence. "It's fine. I… guess I… went too far. It… won't happen again."

Samus tried to keep the mood light, though she knew she'd lost Fox. "Babe… you'll be late for your match."

"Fuckin' A," he said as he cut her ropes with his Reflector and tossed her a towel before fixing his fur in the vanity mirror. "Go get yourself cleaned up."

* * *

Fast-forwarding the rest of the video, Ganon sighed, a little disappointed. More than a few of his dollar signs dropped off the wayside. _Samus' face is too pretty for beatings. There's a limited audience for this kind of stuff._

Ganon looked away from his device to see the odd couple spread away from each other in the audience.

_Man, those two are awkward as fuck. Perhaps I ought to play the part of relationship counselor.  
_

"Pikachu," Bowser began. "Any word from Mewtwo? We could really use his help right now."

Pikachu shook his head.

Ganon noticed something in the corner of his vision – a notification on his wearable computer.

_WAIT. What's this?_

There was another video on the flash card. It beckoned to the Gerudo man, who immediately hit Play.

* * *

The film had the same cast as the last one, only this one appeared to have been taken not too long ago.

Samus was on her knees, bent over on her bed. From behind her, Fox pressed against Samus' anus with his nose, all the while lightly slapping against her clit with two alternating fingers.

"I call this one 'slapping de bass'," he said.

His fingers were now covered in Samus juice, which was dripping unabated on the sheets. Fox nimbly switched hands and used his wet fingers to penetrate her butthole, preparing it for greater things to come.

"Ahh," she cried softly. "Not so fast."

"You still haven't been using the butt plugs," Fox observed. "It's gonna be a real squeeze."

Samus nodded. "Might be too tight, baby."

"There isn't a penetrable hole in the galaxy that's too tight for me," Fox scoffed.

He whipped out his cock, coated it in lube, and slapped it repeatedly against Samus' butt before rubbing it gently across her hole. After a few misfires, he was finally able to get the head in. He slowly squeezed in most of the shaft.

"Ouch! Yes!" Samus cried as Fox thrust harder into her luscious behind.

It appeared to be immensely painful at first, but upon further application of lube, she relaxed herself at last and resigned her hole to Fox's ridiculous girth.

"Yeah, Fox, honey! Do me right!"

"Oh! Yes! Yes, howl for me, Krystal!"

Samus' voice dropped two octaves. "What?"

"Ah, I just meant that y-you're my personal crystal, honey. 'Coz you shine so bright for me…"

Samus turned around to look Fox straight in the eye. "That's a bold-faced lie. You've said that before. And you say it like a _name_. What was she, an ex?"

"It's really none of your business," said Fox.

"Yes, it is!" Samus cried, pulling forward and ejecting Fox from her behind, which was followed by some farting. "When you say it in bed, I'm pretty sure it fucking is! Just tell me the truth!"

"Is that really what ya want?"

"Yes!"

"Well, okay. The truth is, I don't remember. Sometimes I just say that word. It happens in my sleep."

At this, she alighted and ran to the bathroom to clean herself up. Fox Fox Illusioned up to the door and put his hand up against it.

"Babe, I'm sorry."

"I… I want to believe you… I'm so confused. I just don't know anymore."

"You're overthinking things."

Samus' voice betrayed angry tears. "Maybe. But I wish you'd have a little more respect for me… like, as a person."

Fox paced back and forth. "Hon, I have no idea where all this is coming from. I thought we were okay."

"I thought so, too."

"Do you still think so?"

"I don't know. I can't talk about this right now. Wait. I just got a text."

"Me too. Apparently there's an emergency meeting in the Hangarage."

* * *

Ganon bit his lip in frustration. Another mostly unsexy video. _This is definitely not fap-worthy. Bollocks._

He switched the device off and observed Bowser, who'd finished the bulk of his presentation and was pointing at a diagram of the creepy-ass moon.

"The assault will require several small ships to take out the shield conduits, here, and here. Fox and Samus, you'll be leading the Forward Wing. The _Halberd_ will provide covering fire while my fleet and the _Great Fox _take on the big guns. I don't want to see any Zapp Brannigan bullshit out there. Be fucking Lukes and Wedges."

"What was that last part?" Ganon asked.

Little Mac shrugged. "Something about lemon wedges? I think he said he likes 'em in his bourbon when he listens to Frank Zappa."

"What a classy commander."

"That's a-not what he said at all!" Mario scoffed. "Why don't-a you take off those a-gloves and clean your ears for once, shit-a-for-brains?"

"At least I have some brains!" replied Little Mac. "Your blood is so thin, it's probably flammable."

"You as-a-king for a taste of a-my fireball whisky? Try me, bitch!"

Luigi tried in vain to shush his brother. "Pipe down, _paisano_!"

Bowser shot a sweeping flamethrower into the air. "GUYS! Please… everyone PLEASE… just fucking listen for like five goddamn minutes… can we all just do that?"

He took a few deep breaths and put on his wireless headphones. Hendrix's "All Along the Watchtower" solo started to play, and Bowser whipped out his air guitar and strummed along.

Peach took to massaging Bowser's tired neck as best she could, though her colleague's skin was rather tough and scaly. As those gathered began murmuring, Link equipped a bullhorn to keep people from leaving.

"All right, you fools! Since apparently there are those in the audience who lack the capacity to listen, let me say this in a way that EVERYONE can understand. We fly HERE. Bad guys' base… THERE. Middle of this creepy-ass forehead. As for Alpha Squad, we're to ORBIT – that means circle – the moon to pick up speed, and then divebomb onto their facility. As for Monsieur Kamek over there-"

Link pointed across the way to Kamek, who was sipping some brandy whilst leaning on one of Bowser's airships. He held his drink up in acknowledgment.

"His fleet's gonna drop bob-bombs, providing defensive cover for the landing party. Rosalina and the Lumas will guard Ness on her space station. Fox, Falco, and Samus, you're tasked with taking out the barrier conduits, which appear to be powered by surplus energy from the base's solar fields. If only there were a way to hit the conduits directly... without that overflow, there'd be no way they could power the forcefield."

"H-hold up," Captain Olimar piped in. "If their excess shit is creating a barrier, it is our duty to penetrate deeply into that orifice and eliminate the stopgap to fluidize those liabilities. Otherwise, we could face some serious congestion. Effectively, this can be done with a clear flushing out-"

"The fuck you talkin' about, nigga?" Dedede cried. "The moon base, or yo' colon?"

"Both," said Olimar. "Guys, I assure you, I speak from personal experience. After my last coffee enema, my system has never been the same. The passages have been freed for any and all content to pass through unhindered. This moon is filled with assholes, right? So why don't we try cleaning them out from the inside?"

"Yeaaaaah. That'd be just great if there was water in space, fucktard," Falco argued.

"Wait!" replied Link. "We don't need water. All we need are water Pokemon."

"Piiika!"

"He's all, holy fuck," Meowth translated. "Wonders why he didn't think of that."

"Pikachu. Chuuuuu." / "Greninja aside, I can get about two dozen in an hour. But it'll cost ya."

"We'll discuss payment later," Luigi stated.

"Chu Chuuu Ka." / "Five thousand coins."

"WHAAAT?" Ness exclaimed. "This is our future, Pikachu! This affects all of us!"

"Kaaachu." / "Take it or leave it, he says."

Luigi scribbled out an official IOU and handed it to the Pokemon. "We'll borrow some cash from the ice skating rink fund."

"Don't you dare touch that!" A drunken Popo yelled, bloody murder in his eyes. "Tha's mostly my winnings!"

"Um… okay," Luigi replied. "Then we'll halt improvements to the Jade sauna in the west wing."

"No way, Jose!" Mario had his arms crossed to form an 'X'. "That's a-been on the agenda for weeks now!"

Luigi pulled out his tablet. "Hmmmmn. How about… we cancel next Friday's topless KY Jelly wresting slash stamp rally slash strip poker?"

The others erupted into a riot of disapproving jeers. The Male Villager dodged a thrown shoe, which smacked Mega Man off of Rush.

"How about we just cut out the stamp rally part?" the Don asked drolly.

"Tondemo nai!" yelled Marth.

"What's pretty boy sayin'?" Luigi asked.

"He says 'no way'," translated Link. "He's only two stamps away from completing his Johto Pokedex."

"Okay, okay, okay. Well, then, that... that just leaves our annual charity fund for 'clean water and food for starving orphaned children, war refugees, and general victims of World Brawl III'."

There were no further objections.

"Really?" Luigi asked. "No one's a-gonna say anything? No one at all? All a-right, done. My sponsored Kokiri kid is a-probably going to die multiple times of dysentery. I hope a-you people are happy with your-a-selves."

"I'll stand up for those poor, unfortunate souls," Peach cried, to Luigi's relief. "If these Pokemon will truly help us, then I will personally donate a thousand coins to the cause! Any more takers?"

Princess Toadstool was so in the moment that she didn't notice that Yoshi, hidden in a vent shaft beneath her feet, had, in a defining insant, shot his tongue up her skirt and discreetly stole a precious pair of her white-and-blue striped panties. The slurping of his retracting tongue made it sound as if Peach had emitted a mighty queef.

As if to drown out the unwelcome sound, a Hangarage-wide golf clap followed Peach's heartfelt pledge.

Her knees clenched together from feeling a sudden draft. _Why is it suddenly so cold down there?_

"Please?" she pleaded. "Anyone? Even just a hundred coins? Fifty to start?"

"AHA! How's about we do a garage sale?" posited Olimar.

"Fuck garage sales!" Wario yelled. "There's a-no way we can sell four thousand coins' worth o' junk! Let's hit the casinos! I know a guy who knows a guy. With Zelda's mind-reading abilities, getting the code to the safe is nothin'! We'll pull off a heist faster'n you can say, 'cha-ching'!"

"My powers are not meant for criminal acts," Zelda insisted boldly.

"This isn't a joke, everyone!" Ness cried out. He'd pulled off his cap and was chewing on the rim. "This is life and death here! Why are we even having this discussion? We need to haul ass outta here ASAP! The Hands are probably coming after us as we speak!"

But his pleas fell on deaf ears. It wasn't long before the entire Hangarage exploded into a mess of terrible ideas. At long last, having had another serving of scotch, Bowser tossed his glass at the recently emerged panty-munching Yoshi, nailing him in the skull. He then removed his headphones and emitted a yell that shook the very core of the island.

"Are all y'alls reptilian brain urges satisfied yet? Are you drunken layabouts done successfully out-dumbassing one another for the millionth time? It must take a lot of fucking cocaine, alcohol, and weed for most of you to get dumber EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. After what happened at lunch, I really thought we'd reached the end of the acceleration curve! But noooooo! Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ on a Titanite Slab! How in the name of Hugh Jackman's beard are y'all functioning? Don't you see this is our ONE chance to find out the truth behind our existences? We can reach the heavens! The full truth of our existence - nay - TRUE eternal glory is within our grasp!"

In the middle of Bowser's rant, Samus walked towards her gunship and entered the lift.

"Ms. Aran! Please don't go!" Zelda cried, and then had a flash run through her mind. She peered into Samus' thoughts and realized the girl truly needed a moment alone.

_There's no future for us_, Samus thought. _I hope it all ends tonight. I don't belong here with these people._

Fox followed his girlfriend to save face, and Ganon was quick enough to send Chibi-Robo in after them before the lift raised.

"Hon, what's going on?" he asked as he entered the gunship.

Samus sat weeping in her cockpit and didn't even turn to regard Fox.

_Why are you here? Get out!_

"I don't know," she replied, putting up a calm exterior. "I'm just not happy. I think I should be alone-"

"What do you mean, you're not happy? You've got the best pilot in the galaxy as your man."

"I just… I haven't been at my best lately."

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Um, nothing? I wasn't talking about you. In fact, you kind of just barged in."

"Oh, right."

Samus looked down at her water bottle. She zoned out while watching it condense in the cabin's chilly, processed air. As cold and tiny of a place as her gunship was, it always felt like home. And right now, the man she loved was an intruder.

Fox coughed. "Sorry, babe. You were saying something about not being at your best?"

"Never mind. Could you leave me alone for now, please?"

"God! You're impossible, you know that? All I want is a straight answer. What's pissin' you off?"

After equipping her full Varia suit and raising her helmet's visor, Samus drew in a huge breath. Even within her life-saving shell of a suit, she felt immensely vulnerable.

"I'm… not sure if it's just me… so tell me… where do you think this relationship is going?"

Fox scratched his head. "That's a loaded question."

"You're the one who owes me a straight answer now," she quipped.

"Look, is there something… wrong? Did I do anythin' bad? I mean, help a guy out here."

"You're not on trial or anything. I guess what I mean is, you and I don't really have much in common."

"All right! Who is it?!" Fox practically demanded. "I'll show you how much more I love you than anyone else. Just put him on Final Destination with me."

But Samus shook her head. "There isn't anyone else."

Fox took quite some time to process this otherwise harmless statement. "Ah… so you think you're better off alone?"

Ms. Aran was struck silent. "I was just pointing out that we don't have much in common…"

"Well, that's that, then. Goodbye. Adios. Sayonara."

"What the fuck?!" she wailed.

"Nobody breaks up with Fox McCloud. Nobody."

"I wasn't! I just wanted us to talk! I don't know what you were-"

"And I don't take any chances. Nothing personal."

He turned on his heels and took the lift down, followed by Chibi-Robo. Samus grabbed at her hair in anger and frustration, and then buried her face in her hands as she curled into a ball and tried to calm herself.

_I guess I'm at fault. I thought I'd get to be special, the exception to the rule. Somewhere along the line I convinced myself that if I helped you become less of an asshole, I could help myself out of my depression, too. You think you've got abandonment issues, McCloud? Try living a day in my shoes._

As Fox descended the gunship, every eye in the audience, except for Bowser's, was on him. McCloud was shocked to see that, thanks to Chibi-Robo and the mischievous Ganon, highlights of the conversation they'd just had were being broadcast on the Jumbotron to the whole Hangarage. Samus was currently crying, set to "Total Eclipse of the Heart".

"Oh, fuck me," he said.

"Pretty smooth flyin', Fox," Falco quipped, patting his comrade on the back. "Go apologize. It ain't too late."

"I… can't do that."

Pac-Man snuck into the conversation from behind. "Then there's nothing else you can do at the moment that won't make things worse. I suggest we all focus on the task at hand, eh? The Hands could be here at any second."

Fox gave Puck a death glare that said _'this is none of your business'_, and walked over to his Arwing.

"How close are we to launching?" Fox asked, teeth grit. He was about ready to massacre a whole fleet.

"Clear the airstrip!" Zelda suddenly announced via the bullhorn, peering at the real-time holographic map of the island. "We have an A-Class ship fast approaching. Repeat! Everyone, clear the airstrip!"

Fox, Falco, and Pac-Man all vacated the main strip, and just in time.

The gaping bay doors swung open to welcome an approaching friendly vessel. The giant floating pirate ship entered the hangar, propelled by a whirlpool cyclone. It landed gently on the middle of the strip, teetering like a rocking chair. At its helm was a small kid with an extremely large head dressed in the garb of the Hero of Time. He smiled and waved, descending the ship while holding a magic leaf.

"Wassup, homies?!" called Toon Link.

"Yo, Hero of Winds! The hell have you been all day?" Link cried.

"Aww, you know. Just got held up treasure hunting. Picked up a few scallywags on my way through the harbor."

Palutena, Pit, Captain Falcon, and Ike descended from the cargo ramp. All looked rather worse for wear. Ike was holding Lucario in his arms; the poor Pokemon was practically comatose.

Everyone bowed in solemn respect as Ike sat Lucario up on the podium. His head slumped.

"I couldn't save him…" Ike said sadly. "We were all too late."

"I'm so, so sorry," Palutena continued, head bowed. "It was all my fault. We couldn't stop the Hands. Believe you me, Pit and I will do anything to make this right."

"We will?" Pit asked, and was quickly slapped hard behind the head.

Pikachu walked deliberately slowly up to Lucario and placed a hand on his cheek. "Pika."

Lucario returned Pikachu's stare, looking directly into his eyes. From the former there was no response, no flickering, nothing. But Pikachu saw something - or possibly a lack of something - that triggered a sparking in his cheeks.

"Piiiika."

A drop of drool fell from Lucario's mouth to the floor in slow motion. The moment it hit, Pikachu sighed, turned around, and shook his head.

"Pikachu! Piiiiiiika Piiiiiiiiii! PIKAAAAA! CHUUUUUUUU!"

A mass of lightning erupted from Pikachu and jumpstarted every engine in the Hangarage. The yellow mouse pulled out Luigi's IOU, tore it up, and ate the piece of paper in front of everyone.

Never one to miss an opportunity, Bowser whipped out his Gibson guitar and played a mean rendition of the Pokemon League theme.

Meowth wiped away a stray tear, but more flowed down his face unabated. "Pikachu says, fuck the coins! This betrayal alone will bring our brothers together! This is a time for _all _Pokemon to unite! We ain't gonna rest until them that did this are brought to justice!"

* * *

Thank you so so much for reading! I'm not exactly sure when I can have Chapter Thirteen up, but hopefully it'll be less than a week from now! Expect tons of action! Please review and follow if you enjoyed the story! I welcome all constructive criticisms. :D


	13. Dust in the Wind

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Did I say there was gonna be a lot of action in this chapter? Well, turns out I lied. Gotta apologize for the more serious tone of this one, actually. I'm swamped with work and in a major depressive funk, the kind where it's tough to even get out of bed. This summer is waaaaay too hot to be working outside in all day, and yet that's what I'm doing...

The Lucina and Robin reveal got me all hot and bothered. Er, that is, excited. They'll appear in the story once this Act is complete (about four or so chapters from now). I now have no excuse to not finish _Fire Emblem: Awakening_, which I'm about halfway through (I've paired Chrom up with Female Robin, because despite being a straight guy, if I have a choice, I'll always pick a female avatar). It's a bit of a curse with me - I'll get super into a game, and just when it's getting excellent, I'll put it down and do something else, not wanting the experience to come to an end. I can't tell you how many times this happens to me, and it happens most with JPRGs. Like, to this day, after 60-odd hours of gameplay, I still haven't finished _Tales of Vesperia_, and I loved the ever-loving shit out of that game.

**CORRECTION:** Last chapter, I mentioned that Ganon had a "Google Gl" device. I meant "Google Glass".

**sippurp123:** Thanks as always for your comments! I can never resist a little Link x Zelda. And Samus has a bit of an emotional journey ahead of her. At the risk of revealing too much, I'll just warn you that there's gonna be some same-sex couples in the future. XD As random as this fic seems, I do actually have plans for the love lives of certain characters, although at the odd pace this story is going at, it may take a while for them to get there! To quote Neil Peart, "no one gets to their heaven without a fight!" Glad you enjoy Palutena! She's a lot of fun to write.

**Guest:** Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoy this chapter too!

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Dust in the Wind  
**

"They have launched, Your Grace. Why not send the Hands after them now? Why not crush them?"

The Ominous Voice looked to Codename Eliminator, _Agent White_ for short, and gave the approaching minion a sharp look that warned him against questioning the judgment of his betters.

Agent White bowed. "I apologize, milord, if I offended you. I simply-"

"There is no progress without knowledge. No knowledge without learning. No learning without contrast. And I can think of only two forms of contrast these schmucks need against their pampered lives: a good dose of suffering, and a healthy fear of death. The latter, I believe, is your specialty."

"That much is inarguable. So… you're saying it's up to us to foster their education?"

The Ominous Voice began to hover in the air, rising slowly into the otherwise dark room's retractable skylight.

"By all means necessary. Now, you heard the Koopa King's plot. _Agent Gray _has his orders. I want you,_ Orange_, and _Blue_ to man the Generator rooms and prepare for the worst. Don't let them catch you unprepared."

"What of Porky, milord? Shall I-?"

"Not your concern. He and Gadd know the protocol for this situation. If anyone needs me, I'll be doing my Super Saiyan thing. Oh, and _please_ stop calling me milord and Your Grace and whatnot. It's a waste of time and it's getting old."

With that, the Ominous Voice emerged from the ceiling of the compound and began to glow with power.

Agent White craned his neck up until it hurt. "Understood, mil-. Er, that is-"

"Just call me 'boss', n00b!"

"Yes, boss."

* * *

_What the hell kind of a planet is this, anyway? _Captain Olimar wondered as his Hocotate Freighter ship ascended the upper limits of the unnamed planet's atmosphere alongside Bowser and company.

Down below, past the borders of Smash City, the rest of the sphere was covered in either deep blue oceans, or a thick layer of clouds.

_It's a trick. This whole world is a fabrication._

For the first time in the months since his arrival at the Smashgrounds, Olimar actually wondered whether what he thought of as his own flesh and blood was even real. Surrounded by his loyal Pikmin, he pondered the questions of life, the universe, cherry pie ala mode, and everything.

He gazed out of his cockpit to see Link, Mega Man, DK, and Diddy Kong all standing heroically out on the deck of Bowser's personal airship, ready to fight. _There's no oxygen out here. They should be frozen and asphyxiated. And yet, there they stand. Though I suppose after all we've seen, the lack of gravity and vacuums of all things shouldn't surprise me._

_Still, there's something very troubling about this. If we don't understand the physical laws of this universe, we can never be in control of our fate._

_When looked at in that light, perhaps it's a blessing that the Ominous Voices exist._

_Then again, even in a world of uncertain physics and seemingly arbitrary rules, isn't our fate just what we make of it? _

_I've learned nothing from Lord of the Rings if I can't admit that even one tiny person can make a difference._

* * *

"We gon' fuck some bitches up, or what?" Mega Man bemoaned, pacin' back and forth on the flight deck of Bowser's flagship.

Diddy Kong made some excited noise and began shadow-boxing the android.

"Ya can't wait ta get yer hands on 'em dirty brainwashin', kidnapin' murderers neither, eh, furface?"

As the two initiated a friendly sparring round, Donkey Kong merely looked up at the moon as if it were the most fascinating sight in the world and continued to chew his toenails.

But Link was unusually silent, with his eyes closed. His thoughts were with his princess, who was likely conversing with Bowser on the bridge. He thought hard about her, projecting his mental state to a degree that she couldn't possibly ignore him.

_Hey, baby, _Link thought._ I'm imagining us together in the rec room this time. You on your back on the pool table, and me between your thighs. I tear open your stockings. My cock is rubbing up against your pussy as I'm groping your tits. I move my hands up. Put my finger in your mouth to tease you. Slowly slide the head in...  
_

_"Cut it out!" _Zelda responded telepathically from the bridge. _"Don't you know I'm still upset with you?"_

"Ah, I felt something in the way you just thought that," Link said out loud, as it helped him to enunciate. "You're always so fiery when you're indignant. How's about I head over there and help douse those flames?"

_"Careful, now. You should know what happens to little boys who play with fire."_

"Ah! But that's what we need, to stoke your embers. I'll take you hard on the Mamoswine carpet by the fireplace. We'll start slow. I'll begin with a foot massage, and then work my way up your legs. Once I get to your back, I'll start whipping out some sensual oils. Eventually you won't be able to resist. You'll raise your hips in the air, and I'll bend over your back and pull your hair so I can kiss your neck..."

_"Shut. The Hell. Up. I'm trying to help plan the assault here. Plus, there's no fireplace on this ship."_

"How about the engine room?"

_"People are working there."_

"So? They can watch."

_"Ugh, you're impossible."_

"Admit it, you want me. Your love hole is aching for my Triforce of Courage. Just gimme a place."

_"Go to hell. I'm busy taking inventory on the Fairy Bottles." _

_YES!_ The "Big Item Catch" melody played in Link's head as he fist-pumped in victory.

"Wow, you're dirty!" Mega Man observed.

Link turned to the blushing android. It was evident the robot thought he was the one being addressed. "Ah, y'see, I was actually... that is..."

"Y'know, that's the second time a guy has preposition-, porpoise-, er, that is, proposishin'd me today. I'm, like, seriously flattered."

"Yeah, about that... I was actually talking to Zelda. She can read my mind, remember?"

"Oh. Way to break a guy's heart, fairy boy."

"No hard feelings, Mega Man," Link said, walking briskly towards the captain's cabin. "There's someone out there for everyone. But we'll have this conversation another time. My princess awaits."

_Hold up, baby! I'm on my way!_

* * *

After ensuring that Ness was comfortably situated in her safe room, Rosalina took a walk on the outer rings of her Comet Observatory. She smiled at the Male Villager, who was pacing the ramparts of her space station like a stalwart sentry.

"All's clear, milady!" he announced dutifully.

The Mother of Lumas sat down on the edge of the rim alongside him, watching the stars whiz by. "Thank you, Melville."

Melville brimmed with pride at having won the lady's approval.

"I've never been in space before," he said, breaking a long silence. "At least, not that I can remember."

"There are many who think it lonely and cold. Unwelcome, even."

"I don't see that at all! It's incredible out here!"

She smiled. Though she found his luster at the sight of the stars to be downright naïve, it was true that she felt more at peace in the expansive, eternal emptiness than in the cramped castle chambers.

_This one has a good heart_, she thought. _He has the gentle nature of a child, and the soul of a warrior._

Melville tossed pieces of fruit at Young Master Luma, who happily ate each one.

_I probably felt the way that he did, once. It must have been years and years, Luma, since I left my home to travel the stars with you. For all the things I've long forgotten, I consider myself blessed to still remember my old home, and that tree upon the hill, and my mother's face._

"Do you like watching shooting stars, Melville?"

"More than anything!"

"Everything in this universe was once a piece of stardust. All matter… not to mention all energy… originated from the same place, and from the same compounds. And one day, when our planet's solar system dies, and life fades from the surface… stardust will be all that remains of us."

The Male Villager shook a little in his tennis shoes. "Do you think… do you think we're going to die tonight, Lady Rosalina?"

"No. But even if I did, I don't believe death is the end. It is _an _end, to be sure. But life - if you can even call what we have life - goes on."

She waved her wand and a mass of stardust appeared, like a handful of confetti. She cupped the pixie dust in her gentle hand and blew them into the vacuum of space.

"Do you see those particles? They've now gone their separate ways. Their atoms and molecules will travel on independently, maybe for billions of years. The same will happen to our remains. All records will fade. All deeds will be forgotten. And yet, as long as there's a universe to host them, the building blocks of life will continue to form and reform in an endless cycle. Like the Lumas, maybe you will be reborn as a moon. Or a comet. Or even a star."

Melville smiled. "I'd like to be a part of a star. A huge one, I hope. A Red Giant!"

Though she smiled on the outside, Rosalina said nothing, and only thought back to the dozens of Lumas who must be wandering aimlessly through space at the moment, searching for their 'Mama'.

"Are you okay, milady?" he asked, once he saw that he'd lost her to silence.

"Ah! Yes. Yes, Melville," said she, once she caught herself. Rosalina ran her hands through his messy hair. "I think you'd make a wonderful star."

* * *

"Any sign of the enemy?" Bowser asked, swiveling atop his _Star Trek_-esque Captain's Chair as he watched the feed of his Koopa Troopas loading Bullet and Banzai Bills into their respective cannons.

"Nope. It's all goin' smoothly, sir," replied Kamek. "We've got _Great Fox_ and _Halberd_ covering our sides. Rosalina's positioned in back of the fleet."

_Without telling anyone else,_ Bowser thought, whipping out his phone, _I'll send her a text and have her move to the center._

Kamek continued. "I've also gotten word that the _Falcon Flyer _has taken off with over five dozen Pokemon."

"What's our ETA?"

"Ten minutes to the rendezvous point. From there, we'll wait for the _Flyer _and coordinate the approach with all Wings."

"Good shit. Over and out."

With that, the Captain inspected their telescopes' real-time holographic feed of the moon. Their path was looking clear – far too clear for comfort, in fact. And the Voices had to know that they were coming for them. It was obvious they were walking into a trap.

"Zelda?" he called out.

Sheik shook her head while playing the Song of Storms on her lute. "She took off to take inventory of our Fairy Bottles for fair distribution. Said she'd be back in five."

* * *

_Where are you when I need you? _Fox wondered. _By now you'd be in my head, telepathically reassuring me. I don't know how long it's been, Krystal. It might be ancient history. But I remember how you made me feel._

"I'm hit!" yelled Slippy over the comm. channel, interrupting Fox' thoughts.

Falco pulled at his feathers as he watched the video feed of his ex-teammate inexplicably appear on his Arwing's onboard computer. "How the fuck-? We're not even behind enemy lines yet! Slippy, why in the name of Colonel Sanders are you on this channel? You're supposed to be far, far, away!"

The anthropomorphic frog laughed deeply from inside his cockpit. "That train was a bust! I spend every day doing the same shit, driving through the same portals, on the same tracks! Then I go home to an overly protective wife, thirty tadpoles, and my aging father! Fuck nine-to-five living! Try as you might, you can't keep me away from battle!"

"If I see him, shall I shoot him down?" asked Wolf O' Donnell. "If I hit him between the eyes, it may save on repair costs."

"You too?!" Falco said. "When the hell did you decide to join us?"

"When I got word that this was a paid gig."

"Ugh. Just make sure you've got that shit in writing before we engage," advised Falco. "The Don's a stickler for paperwork. Where's the rest of your crew?"

"Those morons could be imprisoned in a space zoo for all I know. I was about to ask, has Kryst-?"

"Cut the chatter! Does anyone see that shining diamond in the distance?" Fox asked his three companions.

Falco's face came in over the feed. "You see it too? Electric flickering. There's something beyond it."

"An invisibility field!" Peppy added, speaking from the bridge of the _Great Fox_. "Seems what you're lookin' at is an imperfection. There's an ambush awaiting us!"

"Alert Bowser!" said Fox.

"Way ahead of ya!" responded Peppy.

As they neared the moon, even larger portions of the forcefield flickered off, revealing a swarm of ships. While the results were inconclusive, the armada could be in the tens of thousands.

"Targets closing," Falco warned. "Shall we go into all-range mode?"

"Not yet," Fox said. "Someone contact the other gunship."

"Uh, I'm… right here…" Samus replied over the comm.

Fox smiled. "Falco, tell her we're going to break through that fleet!"

Wolf facepalmed. "You're seriously going to be like this, Fox? You pretty much just told her yourself."

"Ummmmm," replied Falco, trying to focus on the approaching forcefield. "Not to change the subject or anything, but I kinda don't want to die today."

"No one lives forever," sang Wolf. "Not the Earth and sky. It slips aaaaawaaaaay... and all your Zenny won't... another moment buy..."

"Nothing lasts forever. Not the Earth and sky. All your money. Won't another minute buy," Peppy corrected Wolf. "If you're even gonna sing that song, at least get more than twenty percent of the goddamn lyrics right."

Slippy scratched his head. "What's an Earth?"

"It's a planet where little children would be instructed by adults to dissect your entire family and poke at your insides," said Samus, rather darkly.

Slippy whimpered. "R-r-really?"

"Hostiles closing!" belted Falco. "Any ideas, Fox?"

"Orders, sir?" ROB 64 asked.

"ROB, stay on Bowser's flagship," Fox replied. "I've got a hell of an idea, and Slippy, you're in the middle of it."

"I… I am?"

"You're practically the easiest target in known history. A stormtrooper could hit you with his eyes closed. We'll need Zelda to shield your Arwing from whatever's out there. Then we'll send you out in the middle of the fray. While the bogeys are trying to gun you down, we'll take 'em all out!"

"B-b-b-but what happens to me once the magic wears out?" Slippy protested.

"If we haven't made landfall by then," said Fox, who was texting Zelda, "we're likely all dead anyway."

* * *

"_Agent Gray_, they've seen us!" Pac-Man announced on the long-range radio from his _Galaga_ starfighter.

"Huh," Gray responded. "Looks like the boss' cloaking device wasn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Not at all," the Ominous Voice said, interrupting them. "This is how I wanted it."

Pac-Man rolled his eyes. "Ooookay, boss. Sure thing. Gray, are you on target?"

"Yeah. Leave the _Great Fox_ to me."

"All of you, go about your work," the Voice continued. "I'm about to send them a message they won't soon forget."

* * *

In the midst of enjoying an episode of the second season of the original run of Nickelodeon's _Figure It Out_ and being befuddled at a contestant receiving a device called a "Nintendo 64", Ness was suddenly interrupted by an ear-splitting migraine.

"Ahhhh! The pain!" he cried, but no words left his lips. A high-pitched ringing left him practically catatonic. His PK powers were then used to broadcast a message all throughout the impromptu invading fleet.

"Attention all Smashers," it began, and every one of the fighters heard its call. "I'm interrupting your completely illegal aerospace assault to give you a fair warning. You are about to experience a public service announcement from your creators. Witness what happens to disobedient children."

* * *

"Yo, 'dis some kind o' practical joke?" Dedede asked Meta-Knight aboard the _Halberd._

"I swear, man, it ain't me," Meta-Knight began to respond, but was silenced by a sudden hallucinogenic vision.

* * *

The vision began with wide shots establishing the location, a twisting Mobius strip of a racetrack (_Mario Kart 8_'s 'Mario Circuit).

It was midday, and twelve racers had just finished the final lap. Only, a third of them were bent over the edge of the track by the bleachers, puking their guts out.

"Fuck this!" a rather short and pudgy one yelled, and what remained of his lunch vacated his bowels until there was nothing left but noxious gases. "I can't fucking take it anymore!"

"I feel your pain, son. It's just not right," Bowser said, patting his back. "You just gotta remind yourself… it won't always be like this. We'll get through this grand prix together."

But Bowser Jr. merely heaved again and again, and like an upturned bottle of jam, whole chunks of half-digested food oozed out of him as he tried to hyperventilate. The constant vomiting made nearby Luigi, Ludwig, and Daisy all retch again, even when there was nothing left to retch.

After a loose noodle flopped onto the saxophonist's head, the _Mario Kart Band_, consisting of several Koopas, Yoshis, Toads, and Shy Guys, decided to call it a day. They put down their instruments and vacated the premises.

Bowser stood tall and addressed the sky above. "If I may speak freely, Ominous Ones, this whole upside-down track thing… it's not doing us any favors. Isn't there a way we can work something out that doesn't involve us racing on Mobius strips, what with all these sharp, gravity-defying corners?"

The heavily masked baritone voice from above made the booming Bowser sound like a high-pitched muppet. "Let meeee think about that. Hmmm. Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. We have designed these tracks for maximum versatility and visibility. And time is of the essence."

"Is there _nothing _you can do?" Princess Peach pleaded. "If I have to drive one more race like this… I might just collapse…"

"Hi, I'm Daisy!" a nearby brunette belted out like a refrain, all but deafening Peach in one ear.

"Yessssss," the Voice replied. "For the fiiiive billlllllionth time… we knooooow."

"And I'm also with Peach!" Daisy announced as Luigi wiped the excess puke dripping from her chin with his handkerchief. "You've put us through some nasty shit in the past, but this is too much!"

"Yeah, this a-sucks sweaty DK balls!" yelled Waluigi.

DK started pounding vigorously at his chest, partly in offense but mostly in agreement.

"Why can't we just go back to the flat tracks?" Toad cried. "What was wrong with those?"

"EVERYTHING!" replied the Voice. "The masssssses and ssstockholders demaaaannnd innovation. Thiiiisssssssss behavior is unacceppppptable."

Bowser Jr. upturned his wireframe kart and tossed it off the ledge.

"F-f-f-fuck you!" he said, raising a middle claw up to the sky. "We're the ones driving these goddamned vehicles here! Enough is enough!"

Wario started a chant that quickly caught on: "In your face! We won't race! Change the tracks if you want us back!"

"We will not tolerate ssssssuch insuboooordination!"

The protest was allowed to go on for about five minutes. In response, a blooper blinded everyone. Very shortly afterwards, every racer was summarily electrocuted by lightning bolts that hit at a rate of once per second. The strikes were painful and thorough, and after thirty seconds, no one was left standing.

Finally, a cloaked figure descended in a pillar of light from above and walked up to Bowser Jr., who was still twitching from the pain.

"Who are a-you?" Mario demanded between sips from his flask. "Why are-a you here?"

"I neither have nor need a name," the Newcomer responded in a garbled voice. "I'm simply a humble enforcer of my Master's will."

With that, the assassin pointed a handgun straight at the middle of Bowser Junior's forehead. "Know that you started this, kiddo."

"W-what is that?" Toadette asked, still twitching from the lightning.

Ludwig exclaimed. "By jove! I've heard tell of such devices! If I'm not mistaken, that's an MK23 .45 caliber semi-automatic pistol!"

Everyone turned to regard the dorky-looking Koopaling, stunned at his knowledge of firearms. Even the phantom seemed impressed.

Toad scratched his gigantic head. "A who to the what now?"

"It spells instant death!" Ludwig then hid in his shell as another lightning bolt struck the crowd.

"Please! Stop, I beg of you!" Bowser cried in desperation, and then turned to his son. "Junior! Apologize to the man! Tell him you won't speak out again!"

Trembling against the loaded gun, Bowser Jr. peed himself. "I… I pwomise… I won't speak-"

The poor kid never got a chance to finish his sentence. The bullet went straight through his skull.

"Nothin' personal, kid," the phantom sighed after touching his earpiece.

Junior's body collapsed onto the raceway, and the cloaked man then lifted him up by his scalp and carved the boy's head off with a knife, splattering blood everywhere.

"NOOOO!" Bowser cried, and ran towards the killer to deal him a quick death.

From far above the racetrack, a barrage of lightning bolts electrified him into submission. Bowser fell swiftly onto his own arms, which barely caught the heavyweight racer.

"KNEEL!" The Ominous Voice demanded.

"J-J-Junior…"

But Bowser had fallen onto his stomach and could no longer stand. The masked man walked over and kicked the Koopa King in the face. He then dropped Bowser Jr.'s bloody head into Peach's lap. The Princess cried out in terror.

"Are you the mother?" the phantom asked.

"D-d-d-dear me, no," Peach said softly, tears streaming down her face. "But that doesn't mean I can't cry for him. He was just a child!"

The man pointed a gun at Peach's forehead, silencing her.

"And _you_ are just a woman. You'd be wise to get on that bike before I'm asked to remind everyone how easy it would be to take your life away."

Keeping her expression determined despite a bout of shaking, Peach adjusted her jumpsuit and slowly mounted her Jet Bike.

After touching his earpiece once more for orders, the phantom turned to the others. "That goes for the rest of you! Back to the starting line! Four-eyes, lose the cloud! Saddle up on a new wireframe kart and take that dead kid's place."

"Y-y-y-yes, sir!" a nearby Lakitu said, trembling.

* * *

The vision then ended. Ness sat up from the couch in a cold sweat. When Melville and Rosalina arrived to check on him, he threw them a thumbs-up while panting.

"I... I think I'm all right..."

"I'm sorry, Ness," said Rosalina. "I didn't want to have to do this, but Zelda told me that if anything funny happened, we'd have to put this lead-lined helmet on your head and tie you up."

Ness bit his lip. "It's okay. I'll do what must be done to keep everyone safe."

Melville and Rosalina began strapping him to a recliner.

* * *

Once the vision had ended, Bowser burst out into a fit of angry tears.

"NO! Junior! JUNIOR!"

Peach took his hand to slow his pulse.

"Hey... Bowser... there's nothing we can do for him now. Deep breaths."

The Koopa King's temper was infamous. Most of his minions had already vacated the bridge of his flagship.

"He was just a boy..." Bowser said, teeth gritted.

"And what if the vision's a lie? What if he's still alive? He wouldn't have wanted you to lose your head, too."

"Pardon my French, Peach, but where do you get off pretending you know what my son would have wanted? He had his father's temper, and he'd have wanted me to fuck whoever did this raw. I'll avenge you, Junior! I'll fuck them day and night! I'll fuck them till they die of internal bleeding!"

Bowser emitted a mighty roar and set his airship to Full Speed Ahead.

* * *

Several airships over, Dedede was already on his way to an escape pod to take him back down to the surface. But Meta-Knight arrived first, and was blocking his way.

"Hell naw! There ain't no way nohow I'ma let that shit happen to me."

"We need you, man! This could determine the course of our destiny!"

Dedede tried to slip by, but was denied by Meta-Knight's sword. "Was we even watchin' the same vision, holmes? That boy got straight-up decapitated!"

"So what? You got impaled by a giant shard of glass, and you're still standing!"

"Yeaaaah, I guess. But dat shard o' glass wan't administered by no scary shadow dude."

Meta-Knight knocked Dedede back with a heavy hit. "For fuck's sake, man, let's see this out to the end. For justice!"

"Justice... that word don't have no meanin' to me. I seen too many good penguins die."

Dedede's thwacked Gordo was deflected.

Meta-Knight said, "Hmmm. Sometimes in life you just gotta ask yourself, what would Batman do?"

"Shit, nigga. You really gon' pull that on me?"

"Damn right I am."

"Real talk here."

"Kirby would say the same thing. You know he would... wherever the hell he is."

"Fuckin' A. All right. But I ain't stayin' for you. I'm stayin' coz when I'm standin' at them gates to hell, I wanna be able to look Bruce Wayne in the eye and tell 'im I died with honor."

Dedede left the escape capsule and waddled back to the bridge alongside his friend.

* * *

The Man Once Known as Solid Snake rode his Cypher up to the flight deck of the _Great Fo__x _and descended just out of viewing range from the bridge.

_Such a shame their old mothership was destroyed. It'd have made for a better acquisition. This fossil's barely worth the effort it takes to capture it._

Using electromagnetic suction cups, he crawled along its surface, entered from a personnel hatch, and snuck along the corridor walls to the bridge. Upon inspection, the control room appeared safe aside from ROB 64, who was strapped into place and couldn't move anyhow. Snake tossed a chaff grenade into the control room, temporarily shutting down ROB.

Sidearm drawn, Agent Gray stepped onto the bridge.

What he didn't expect was Peppy Hare waiting behind the corner with a loaded laser rifle._  
_

"Hold yer horses, sonny boy," Peppy barked as Snake turned towards him. Neither was ready to drop their weapon. "I saw what you done to Bowser's boy. Ya ain't takin' one more step."

"Your hands are shaking. Arthritis, probably. What's your life worth, old man?"

"A damn sight more than you're willin' to pay. Get off my ship."

He pulled back the safety on his gun. "This is your last chance, Bugs Bunny. Step aside."

"Never."

"Sorry, doc, but orders are orders."

Both combatants fired at the same time.

Peppy Hare's walking stick hit the ground. He then fell face-first onto the floor.

"Daddy?" a voice came from the video feed. "Daddy, I heard a loud noise. Are you there?"

Snake walked up to the comm. and addressed Lucy Hare. "Sorry, miss. Your dad's dead. He should have done a barrel roll."

Sighing, Agent Gray turned off the feed and lit up a cigarette as the girl began to wail in sorrow.

_War sure is hell. This job is really starting to tax me._

He took over the helm and began to calibrate the ship's missiles.

* * *

Phew! That was another long-ass chapter. Hopefully y'all enjoyed it. If all goes well, I'll be able to crank the next one out by next week. :D Take care and continue to have a great summer, guys!


	14. Live and Learn

**A/N:** I dedicate this very Sonic-centric chapter to_ lazerbot_'s infamously lulzy, reliably violent, and sometimes-coherent webcomic "Tails Gets Trolled", which has brightened up many an afternoon. I won't usually be posting so many chapters so close to one another, but this mini-arc was practically begging me to come into existence. I started writing this Friday morning with a general idea and was aiming for one short-ish chapter, but somewhere along the line I got hit by a serious lightning bolt of inspiration. All things considered I'm pretty darn happy with how it turned out.

I apologize in advance if you're not into Sonic, but please consider this and the next chapter (which will be ready tomorrow) mostly optional digressions, like a mid-season OVA for an anime that adds flavor but not much plot-wise, and if my writing streak continues, our regular programming shall return... SOON-ish!

**EDIT:** At the risk of explaining too much, because of the adult content involving Amy Rose, who is underage in Sonic canon, I feel I should point out that in this fourth-wall-breaking story, the characters are actually as old as their first game appearances, which is why Sonic tells Roy Koopa that Tails is turning twenty-two this year (2014). As Sonic CD came out in 1993, that makes Amy twenty-one, and therefore legal.

**sippurp123:** I'm super glad you liked the last chapter, despite it jumping all over the place! Poor Bowser Jr. really deserved/deserves better. I wanted to thank you again for sticking with my story, it means a lot to me! Wish I could tell you more about my impending plans for certain couples but SPOILERS! XD

**Anyone:** Thanks for your review! Very happy you like the Zelink thread and the overall direction the story is going. :D

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen**

**Live and Learn**

Sonic was rockin' out to the Chemical Plant Zone theme on his Zune when he arrived at the Smash City train station, having left a trail of dust and fire in his wake.

After cleaning the dirt and sand out of his Air Jordans, he checked the timetable, and then glanced at his Chronograph Full-bodied Silver-Toned Aluminum Swatch wristwatch.

"_Swatch_," he said, mugging with his device to no one in particular as he recited the marketing phrase to earn his five percent advertising commission. "_'Coz the others just_ _watch_."

It was eleven-thirty at night and the place was practically dead. There was no welcoming crew, nor any indication that he was expected.

_The hell kind of a ghost town is this?_ He wondered, and quickly found his way to a nearby food truck.

"What can I get for you?" the droll voice asked.

"Six chilidogs and a banana split, please. And two large Mountain Dews… _'coz I like to Dew it to it_!"

In recognition of his voice, the tired kid behind the counter looked up from his visor in disbelief.

"S… Sonic?"

The Hedgehog turned to the counter, but the clerk was no longer there. He'd already dashed around the back entrance and was about to tackle him to the floor.

"Whoa-" Sonic began, but was quickly mobbed by a furry friend whose tears would not stop flowing.

The young fox was worn-out and tired, his fur matted and dirty underneath a stained apron. Ginormous eyebags pulled his facial features down several inches, and his twin tails were sagging.

"T-Tails?" said Sonic as the fox began stroking his quills a little too sensually for comfort. "What are you doing working a place like this?"

"I've been… waiting here… for you… we thought… you'd never come…"

As Sonic helped his friend dry his eyes and they shared a few dozen chili dogs, the explanations came fast and hard. Apparently, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, and Amy had arrived at Smash City together on one of the first trains. Sonic was expected to join them but never showed up.

Upon their arrival, however, Knuckles was escorted by some rather shady characters to the Smashgrounds (then a collection of _non_-floating islands), and disappeared. Shortly afterwards, the islands all rose up into the sky, leading the trio to believe that Knux was imprisoned there against his will and forced to give up the Chaos Emeralds.

Meanwhile, Shadow, now broke and homeless, decided to look for some local work.

Left alone, Tails and Amy had both been asking questions about Knuckles' whereabouts, but no one could help them. Don Luigi, sympathetic to their plight, allowed the duo access to the service tunnel leading to the center of the Smashgrounds, but at the island's core, a crystalline barrier prevented the group from advancing any further.

Despite the Smashers' best efforts, piercing that barrier was impossible. Jill and her Drill Dozer couldn't make a dent. Neither could three Excadrills working together, a financial fiasco that cost Tails and Amy their last remaining coins.

After several weeks of failing to contact Knuckles or Sonic, Tails grew depressed and turned to drinking. It wasn't long before he switched to heroin to get his kicks, a habit that ended with a near-death overdose. After a week of rehab, Tails found God. He then lost his religion shortly after discovering the band R.E.M., and then a friend from rehab found him the food truck job.

Meanwhile, Amy had disappeared into the red light district. Details about her current living situation were vague, but apparently she was working at some shady strip club run by a rather unsavory fellow named Waluigi, whom almost no one ever actually saw in person.

"Are you fucking kidding me, man?" Sonic yelled, rolling his eyes. "How could you guys let all this happen? WAY uncool!"

"I… we… we didn't know what to do without you…" cried Tails, arms wrapped around his best buddy. "I've never been away from you for this long… it was so cold… and lonely…"

Tails' hand went to Sonic's thigh and slowly rode up it towards his crotch. Sonic gently cupped Miles' gloved hand to stop him and looked his good friend straight in the eyes.

"Priorities, bro. We've gotta reunite the gang. Where's this strip club?"

* * *

A few minutes later, they'd made their way to "The Slippery Flagpole", a seedy but evidently stylish establishment where Roy Koopa stood, arms folded, outside the door, a lit cigar decorating his mouth.

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhh, whaddaya want?" he said (in a manner reminiscent of Weird Al on the track "Albuquerque" at 4:58).

"Lookin' for a girl by name of Amy Rose," Sonic began. "It's important that I see her ASAP."

Roy burst out laughing. "You and what army, pal? Maybe if you toss fifty coins my way, you'll be lucky enough to get a five-on-one appointment by next Thursday."

"Quit kiddin' around, buddy. I just wanna talk to her. Let us in."

Roy ashed his cigar on Sonic's Air Jordan shoes, prompting a violent eye twitch.

"Cover charge is five coins each. And that little boytoy o' yours is gonna have to stay outside."

"Miles here is my business associate. I don't go anywhere without him. He may look young, but he's actually turning twenty-two this year." Sonic then lowered his voice. "He's got a growth defect."

"I don't believe that shit. You got some documentation?"

"Ah, yeah, just gimme a second… I think I got your paperwork… riiiiiight… here…" said Sonic, who pretended to dig through his fur pocket and then slowly raised a middle finger to the Koopa, smirking.

"Too bad, hedgehog. Looks like we've got ourselves a problem."

Two large Gorons stepped outside of the doorway to confront Sonic and Tails.

"Come and get some!" Sonic announced, and dashed around the three heavy-hitters, peppering them with weak attacks. His quick reflexes confused them into hitting one another. A rapid back-and-forth spin dash (down smash) knocked the Gorons off their feet, giving Sonic an opportunity to grab Roy and toss him into an up-throw, which was followed up with a spring jump, a falling kick, and then a homing attack. Well-timed aerial back-kicks finished the job.

"Too easy!" he sneered.

In approximately ten seconds, all three combatants were knocked away from the entrance to the nightclub. Rather than waste time smashing them to the area's limits and resetting their damage percentage, Sonic took Tails' hand, burst through the door, sped past the crowd, leapt onto the Mario Bros. themed runway, knocked over Wendy Koopa in the midst of her striptease routine, and ripped through the curtain to end up backstage.

"Yo, Amy! It's go time!"

But Ms. Rose was not among the smattering of women in various stages of undress.

Goombella spoke up. "Howdy, blue man. Your honey's in the private room over yonder. But if I were you, I wouldn't-"

Frustrating the author, Sonic didn't even stay for the likeable but ultimately throwaway _Paper Mario_ character to finish her sentence. He dashed over to the private room and kicked open the door.

"AMY! YOUR PRINCE IS HERE!"

The pink hedgehog turned to Sonic in shock and surprise.

Tails instinctually covered his eyes to prevent his innocent brain from frying. The sight that awaited Sonic was so traumatic that even he froze in fear and utter confusion.

The room was dark and smelled of rotten sweat and cleaning agent, and mirrors covered every wall above leather couches. Atop a table in the center, the girl he once knew as Amy was butt-naked, bent over on all fours. She was being literally pounded from behind by Knuckle Joe's rapid fists, which were popping in and out of her now very loosened butthole with pleasing sound effects akin to that of a monster truck mowing down a mountain of bubble wrap. Meanwhile, the kindhearted Isabella was positioned underneath her, furiously licking her pink pussy. It also appeared that Amy was alternately sucking and jerking off Mr. Resetti and Dr. Wright. The former, rather stunned upon Sonic's intrusion, proceeded to come all over Amy's face, staining her humongous eye-blob with mole jism.

Perhaps most disturbingly, Tingle was giggling in the corner, masturbating on the couch as he gazed directly into Sonic's scorched eyes. He was clearly enjoying the whole scene.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" Sonic yelled. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?"

"Hey Soniiicccccccmmmmmmmmffffffffwwwwwphhhhhh…" Amy started, but stopped as Dr. Wright shoved his liver-spotted cock into her mouth again.

"Don't you dare break character, bitch!" the Doctor threatened. "I paid for a total mute! You're supposed to pretend like you've got Down syndrome, too! There goes your tip!"

"THIS PARTY'S FUCKING OVER!" Sonic belted out, hysterical. With Tails' help, the duo proceeded to beat up everyone in the room that wasn't Amy Rose.

Tails tossed Dr. Wright at Sonic, who grabbed the back of his head and smashed his face repeatedly into the glass wall until his visage was a mush of shredded, bleeding flesh. He then tossed him back to Tails, who pushed the man's knees up against the edge of the central table and held him there. While on the couch, Sonic dropped his hands to either side and swung his legs forward, kicking Dr. Wright hard in the back, forcing the old man's legs to bend over backwards and snapping them at the joints.

"AAAAUUUUGHHHH! WHY?" Dr. Wright screamed. "I'm the City Treasurer! You'll pay for this!"

"You fucked me over on the exchange rate!" Tails screamed. "Cheap bastard!"

Tails then crushed Dr. Wright's glasses in his hands.

Mr. Resetti tried to dig his way out of there, but Sonic performed a swift down aerial kick to smash the annoying dude's helmet onto his head, crushing several vertebrae.

"OWWWW! I WORK FOR THE CITY TOO! YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME! I KNOW POWERFUL PEOP-"

Ignoring Mr. Resetti's threats, Tails yanked him from his hole and elbowed him in the Adam's apple. Once he was stunned and coughing, Sonic comboed a low tilt kick into a grab and up-throw, which landed the mole in the midst of Tails' homing attack. Sonic then delivered a charged-up punch to knock the mole against the wall. Mr. Resetti bounced off the side and into Sonic's back-air kick, which sent him smashing through the bricks and out of the building entirely, where he crashed through the glass walls of a piranha plant greenhouse and was violently devoured.

Isabella cowered in the corner, and Knuckle Joe pushed her up against the wall. "Who the fuck are these people? Huh? I didn't throw down a hundred coins for this!"

"I… I've never seen them in my life, I swear!" Isabella cried as Knuckle Joe took her hostage.

"Get back, you murderous freaks!"

"That's enough!" screamed Sonic, at his wit's end. In a swift motion, he yanked Knuckle Joe away from the talking dog and headbutted the Fighter rapidly until he practically cracked the guy's squishy skull-body open. He then handed him to Tails, who spun his twin tails at top speed and slapped Knuckle Joe's gaping face cavity with them until he went unconscious from blood loss. Having gone completely berserk, Sonic cruelly curb-stomped him into the floor.

Isabella ran from the room, crying. "I'm so sorry, Amy!"

Finally, the tittering Tingle was the last one left. High off of ecstasy and PCP, he was still giggling as Sonic punched him into the wall.

"Quit your fucking laughing, you sad wannabe fairy!" he cried, his hands twitching from the battle shakes. His entire body was covered in blood. "You wanna be next?"

"YES!" he cried. "Kooloo-limpah! Punish me, hedgehog! Punish me good! Teeheeheehee!"

Sonic knocked him out cold with a single headbutt.

"Oh. Em. Gee! Sonic! Stop it!" Amy cried, eyes stained red with jism and head spinning from what must have undoubtedly been an unhealthy dose of illegal club drugs mixed with alcohol. "There's no need for all this villains (violence)!"

Sonic's expression softened, and then hardened again in confusion. "But Amy… I'm… I'm saving you…"

"I knoooow you are, baby!" she glomped him, and he tried to ignore the fact that she was covered in sweat and semen. "And I couldn't be happier… but I was about to make a thousand coins tonight…"

"Fuck the coins! They mean nothing!" Sonic cried, cradling her head in his hands. "You are my everything, Amy. The sun that shines above. You are the one for me. You're my ecstasy. The one I need. Nothing's gonna change my love for you. You're never gonna know how much I love you. One thing you can be sure of, I'll never ask for more than your love."

"Oh, Sonic, honey, I love you too!"

"Love me for a reason, and let that reason be love."

_Hold the guacamole! _Tails wondered._ Aren't these cheesy boy band lyrics from '90s Earth? How the hell does he remember all this stuff? I guess that's why he's the marquee star, and I'm the sidekick. What a professional._

Sonic leaned in to make out with Amy, but she interrupted him.

"Wait! Tails! Take their wallets!"

"Way ahead of you," the fox quipped. He was wearing several layers of bling and had filled Tingle's backpack full of loot.

* * *

Shortly afterwards, the trio gathered at the beach, staring up at the Smashgrounds. Tails was busy rolling a blunt with the weed he stole from Tingle.

"We need to get up there somehow," said Sonic. "In all likelihood, that's where Knuckles is imprisoned. Worst case scenario, he's probably covered in his own piss and shit, wishing he was never born. Poor fucker. I bet he wishes he had a tasty _Subway_ sandwich."

The blue blur then took a big bite out of his _Subway _BMT sandwich on Italian herbs and cheese bread. He liked his BMT toasted, with provolone cheese, every topping but olives, plus extra cilantro, honey mustard, and black pepper.

"_Subway_," he said, cracking a smile at the camera. "_Eat fresh. It's the way a sandwich should be._"

"Who in Mobius are you talking to?" Amy Rose asked, taking off her dress and skinny-dipping in the moonlit waters.

"It's complicated," admitted Sonic, who was quickly becoming turned-on by seeing his girlfriend bare her skin for him. "But basically, I'm getting commissions to help companies advertise their products. It's what pays for your summer houses, the Chao babysitters, gold-plated Humvees, and my HBO subscription."

"That sounds like a good deal," said Tails, putting some finishing touches on the blunt. "I just wish we could get the _Tornado _over here," he lamented, recalling his biplane.

"Maybe Shadow can help us get up there when he arrives," Sonic noted. "Just like him to be fashionably late. That's 'coz he can't match my speed."

"It's not always about who's faster," said Amy, dipping into the water up to her neck.

Unable to simply look any longer, the blue hedgehog waded into the water by Amy and held her close.

"I'm never gonna give you up," he said. "Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. I could live a million lifetimes groveling at your feet and it'd still be an insufficient apology for what all you guys went through."

She sniffed, still a little in disbelief that her brave and loving Sonic had finally made it to Smash City. "What took you so long, anyway? Where were you?"

"Negotiations."

"Negotiations?"

"I'll explain if you tell me why you were in that room with those men. I mean, I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but I'm just a little confused. Were you there willingly?"

She nodded.

"Didn't you earn enough from the stage to get by?"

Amy bit her lip. It was tough discussing this with her on-and-off-again boyfriend. "I… I guess I started getting a little greedy. Some of the other girls were doing stuff on the side. They seemed to enjoy it. Like, Goombella had this really swanky Hello Kitty Louis Vuitton purse…"

"How about you? Did you enjoy it?"

"I already answered your first question."

"Okay. Well, I was in negotiations with the higher-ups. It was a serious round of meetings. We had the Japanese heads, the Americans, and the British guys all in the same room, with me on the screen… I had to filibuster their plans several times."

"Why? What were these meetings about?"

Sonic shook his head as he nuzzled Amy's neck. "Nuh-uh-uh. Answer my question first."

"No fair," she said, puffing up her cheeks. "Well, to be honest… I did. I got a real rush out of it."

"Elaborate, please."

"It's like… the stuff we've done together, that will always be special to me. But to have guys – multiple guys – who want to take you every which way, for hours on end… and pay handsomely, too... that's a whole other level of ego trip. It's, gosh, I don't know how to say this. This feeling that you're, like, this sex goddess that no man can resist… not to mention, in that darkened room, I learned so much. Now when you and I do it, it'll never be the same."

She gently grabbed his cock, which was stiffening despite Sonic's deeper worries.

"You're right," he admitted, a little sadly. "I don't think it'll ever be the same."

"Sonic, I just want things to go back to the way they were… back when we were dating."

He nodded. "I want that, too. But it's a little hard for me to think right now."

"Oh, it's more than a little hard," Amy grinned, stroking him underneath the water. "Now tell me what your meeting was about."

Sonic swallowed. _Wow. I can already tell. Her technique really has improved._

"Ah, with the higher-ups… they want to reboot us for the American market. They're tryin' to put us in a new TV show and game series. They're calling it 'Sonic Boom', and… well…"

"And what?"

"And they wanted to replace you guys with some B-listers."

"Those Jews!" Tails exclaimed, sparking the blunt. "How could they?"

"Don't worry. I fought 'em tooth and nail. Y'all are in."

Tails and Amy both exclaimed in happiness, and were cheering for so long they didn't hear the approaching motorcycle and its descending rider.

"Well, ain't this a sight for sore eyes. John, Paul, _and_ Yoko."

All three turned to regard Shadow, who'd just arrived on the scene. He tossed his cigarette into the sand and took a mean hit from Tails' blunt.

Sonic frowned as he tucked his dick back in under his fur and closed the distance to address his old friend face to face. "Since you're still the new guy, I guess that makes you Ringo. I'm waaay disappointed in you, man."

"I can't imagine why," replied Shadow, sarcastically; as he passed the blunt to Amy, it appeared to everyone that he predicted Sonic's response.

"You could have helped Amy and Tails in my absence! Instead, you just ran away!"

Shadow placed his forehead up against Sonic's. "Hmph. It's just like you to jump to the quickest conclusion, not to mention the one that makes _you _look like the hero."

"Excuse me?"

The black hedgehog whipped out a Reggieslist ad on his phone and shoved it in Sonic's face. It was advertising the off-the-record, black market sale of a Chaos Emerald for 10 thousand coins.

"Why do you think I've been working four jobs, non-stop, for the past few months? It isn't just that I enjoy teaching kids to play bass, serving sushi, cleaning swimming pools, and killing for money. I've been trying to save up cash for this puppy, and I'm almost there. I just need about eight hundred more coins."

His eyes as red as Eggman's underpants, Tails smiled and held up his bag full of newly acquired cash. "That won't be an issue, ol' pal."

* * *

The quartet arrived at the now-heavily fortified _Happy Masks and Oddities Shop_, passed two layers of security doors guarded by Thwomps, and walked into a quaint little room stuffed to the tilt with various trinkets. The irrationally happy Chinese gentleman behind the counter greeted them most welcomingly.

"AH! This is a most auspicious meeting indeed! Four far-flung foreigners, flocking to my feet, fleetingly, to find a fantastic flint-"

"Yeah, yeah, we're not here for cryptic mumbo-jumbo," Sonic grumbled. "You got the emerald or not?"

The Happy Mask Salesman's smile dried up and fell off his face. His voice dropped to a boring monotone.

"It's in the back, hombres. Gimme a second."

When he returned with it, Sonic and Shadow were quickly able to deduce its authenticity.

"This is the real deal, all right," Sonic said with relief. "Thanks, creepy mask dude."

"My pleasure."

"Out of curiosity, how did you come about this?" asked Shadow, handing him the cash.

"Ah," the man began, running the coins through a counting machine. "It fell from the Smashgrounds and made its way between several hands before its true value was ascertained. I believe it was the day your friend was taken."

_Knuckles… _worried Sonic. _We'll break you out of there if it's the last thing we do._

* * *

Thanks so much for reading! How's my writing? Please let me know (harsh critiques also welcome) and check in for another update tomorrow!

In the next chapter, we're finally gonna see what Kirby and the Female Villager have been up to! :O


	15. Peace Sells

**A/N:** Wow, okay. So this chapter... I really can't tell if it's good or bad. I'm not sure how much of it works. Very open to criticism for this one!

**sippurp123:** Thanks for your patience! Spoilers are bad, though! They ruin everything! I'm glad you like that most of the main characters have a sort of set of issues to deal with. I've only just scratched the surface with quite a few of the main characters, but that will change pretty soon. Worry not... that Zelink scene is coming. And it will be epic. ;)

**Guest:** Thank you for your review! Glad you enjoy the story!

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen**

**Peace Sells… But Who's Buying?**

Standing in the midst of the city's gigantic Pokemon reserve, the Pokemon Tower was not just the tallest building in Smash City, it was also the one with the biggest antennas and the most spotlights trained on it.

For reasons even they were questioning, Sonic, Shadow, Tails, and Amy all held hands while standing atop the Tower's tallest platform, with the Chaos Emerald floating between them.

Much to their chagrin, several Camera Lakitus were broadcasting the event live over the television.

"Hey, is there any way I can, like, convince you guys to quit filming us?" Sonic asked one of them. "We'll pay rather handsomely."

"Sorry, guys," the Camera Lakitu responded. "You can't stop the signal, and the show must go on."

Shadow gazed up at the Smashgrounds and concentrated with all his willpower. He was admittedly a little rusty, not having used his powers in some time.

"You sure about this?" asked Tails. "That chamber's sealed and you've never even seen it before. Can you really teleport all of us in there with just one emerald?"

"Don't ask me questions like that," Shadow grumbled, trying to hone his focus. "Not now."

Amy looked to the base of the tower to see various thugs climbing up the ramparts. Some appeared from a distance to be Koopalings.

As the climbers were armed with homerun bats, ore clubs, and beam swords, it was pretty safe to say they were out to get revenge for what happened earlier that night.

"So… uh… any day now…" she quivered. "Shit, they're coming. I can't go back there. Not after what you guys did. Oh, God. I can't go back. Please don't make me go back! Oh God. Oh man. Oh God. Oh man."

"Shut your woman up, Sonic."

Sonic tightened his grip on Amy's hand. "Chillax, babylove. We got this."

"Ah! How about if we sing one of the theme songs?" suggested Tails, as a Koopa's boomerang whizzed right by his head.

"I'm terrible with lyrics," Sonic lamented. "But I can play something on my Zune."

He turned directly to the Camera Lakitu's lens. "_Zune, by Microsoft. You make it you._"

"It's worth a shot at this point," Shadow admitted, putting on the earbuds.

As "Throw It All Away" from_ Sonic Adventure 2_ began to play off of Sonic's device, Shadow's power quickly grew to insane levels.

"CHAAAAAAAAAOOOOS CONTROOOOOLLLL!" he screeched.

There was a lot of flashing, loud noises, and lightning effects, enough to induce seizures in the few hundred Asian children in the city who were watching their TVs way too close to the screen.

* * *

And suddenly, there the gang was, in the middle of a beautiful crystallized room, a million shifting colors reflecting off as many shifting surfaces.

"Wow, it actually worked," Shadow said quietly. "And it looks like no one clipped through a wall or got their heads switched."

Amy's eyes widened. "You mean those were possibilities?!"

"Gee whiz, it smells like doo-doo in here!" Tails observed.

"G-guys?" a deep, tired voice called out, weak and parched almost beyond recognition. "Guys, is that you?"

"KNUCKLES!" All of them cried at once.

Their starving friend was, just as Sonic's worst-case scenario predicted, shackled to the room's central pedestal, forced to 'guard' the remaining six Chaos Emeralds floating above while a pile of his fecal matter festered away in a corner.

Tails and Shadow began to quickly work on destroying his shackles with Tails' handy portable welding set.

Sonic was enraged. "You look terrible, homie. Those assholes didn't even provide you with plumbing! What kind of uncivilized swine did this?"

"Bunch 'o assorted thugs. Their leader, though. He was one creepy motherfucker. They called him 'Agent Purple'. He said I'd be here 'till it was all over'. Whenever the fuck that's supposed to be."

"Where's he at?"

"The moon. Or at least what looks like it. That ain't no moon, Sonic. It's apparently a space station."

Amy began to cry in sympathy. "I'm not sure if I even want to know the answer to this, but what exactly have you been eating?"

Moved by his friends' emotions and still reeling from the fact that he was being rescued, Knuckles the Echidna burst out in tears as his shaking fingers held up a tiny leaf from the floor.

"These… these… little plant dudes. With flowers on their heads… They're dropped down a hatch in the ceiling. Twenty per day. Except for day one-hundred and five. That day, there were nineteen. They're squishy… and filled with water… but… but they're also so cute… and so friendly… especially Joanne. *sniff* Little Joanne. She taught me so much… I finally understood the meaning of love. But after some time… the hunger… it gets to your mind… starts fucking with your sense of morality… and… and FUCK! I can't deny it any longer! I ate them! I ate them all! I'm a fucking monster! Leave me here! Let me die! I don't deserve to rejoin the world of the living!"

Knuckles fell into a round of hysterical weeping that was only silenced by Sonic slapping him hard in the face.

"T-thanks man," Knuckles said. "I needed that."

"Shhh, it's all right," Sonic reassured him, cradling the echidna's gigantic head. "Think no more of this dark stuff. We're bustin' you out of here, bro."

With all the Chaos Emeralds gathered and a new pair of gloves and some hand sanitizer administered to Knuckle's giant fists, all five linked hands.

"I rented us an airship from the harbor. That's where I'm taking us; it's due Southwest," Shadow explained. "The instant we warp out of here, these islands will fall to the ocean. Then it'll be up to us, Sonic, to keep 'em from falling too fast and causing a tsunami that'll wipe out the city. We need ta' let 'em down nice and easy, as slow as that CGI feather from the end of _Forrest Gump_."

"Won't that cause a tsunami anyway?" asked Amy.

"Nope," said Tails. "Chuck Testa."

"Huh?"

"What Tails _means_ to say," continued Knuckles, "is that these islands were originally submerged in the water here. The water level should only rise up to the point it was at five months ago. Damage should be minimal."

Sonic nodded. "All right, so Shadow, you start with your Chaos Control, and once you're wiped out, I'll turn into Super Sonic and flit from island to island at top speed, holdin' em up as best I can. Hyper Knuckles will follow me if I can't get 'em down in time."

"Got it."

"Ready?"

Shadow rubbed his palms together. "Yeah, G. Put on that music."

"Oh, right. _Zune, _by Microsoft. _You make-"_

"You fuckin' said that already!" screamed Amy. "Get on with it!"

"CHAAAAOOOOOSSS CONTROOOOOLLL!"

* * *

_Fifteen minutes earlier…_

"_Not so fast… ah… my hemorrhoids… it hurts,"_ wrote the Female Villager, picturing Marth's silky voice saying the words. He'd be blindfolded and whimpering at their private little getaway cottage as Link performed hitherto unspeakable acts involving the Master Sword's hilt and the young prince's behind.

From within her chambers, the Female Villager drooled over her purple prose in blind admiration of her own ability to write smut, and then pictured herself having sex with a hyper-sexualized personification of her own inflated ego. To her own surprise, her obsession with her idealized self made her even hotter than the two thousand words of yaoi sex she'd just written.

_By the stars, I'm going to be a best-selling romance author_, she thought as she touched herself profusely. _I can see the paychecks filling up my mailbox. The millions of people in this city will hardly be able to resist Link and Marth's epic sex chronicle. _

_Maybe even the real Link and Marth will read my work and start getting all excited… OH! That thought felt so good. Now I just need a title… Fifty Shades of Green?_

"HEEEY! I GOT TWO THOUSAND PLEDGES ALREADY! GIMME SOMETHIN' TO EAT, YOU CRAZY BITCH!"

Having been rudely interrupted mid-fap by the blood-curdling scream, the Female Villager emitted a very agitated groan. After donning her personalized bathrobe and some flippy-floppies, she made a point of heavily stomping outside her room, down the stairs, and to the giant birdcage situated out on the portico, where Kirby was being held against his will, with nothing to keep him company but the rotary phone, a massive phone book, and a stack of paperwork.

"I have decided, puffball. You and the other immortals shall address me henceforth as Lady Fiona."

_Whatever_, thought an agitated Kirby. _Anything for some food._

"Please, Lady Fiona, if I don't eat somethin' soon, my stomach's gonna start digesting me from the inside out!" he cried. "I usually don't go ten minutes without eatin' at least a morsel. This is _torture_!"

She peeked at the files – sure enough, in an impossible feat of speed since that afternoon, Kirby had already managed to get two thousand people to sign her petition to construct a central government, all done in the name of preventing and spreading awareness for rape.

"Two thousand, three hundred and six. Hmmm. I suppose you did well… for today," she said, grinning. "Here, have some kibble."

She dropped a few dog biscuits inside the prison, which flopped to the floor and broke apart. Kirby just stared at them in the way that Genghis Khan would an unruly peasant who deigned to defecate on the Khan's pair of newly wrought goat-leather sandals.

"The FUCK is this?" Kirby spazzed out. "DOG FOOD? This is beyond insulting!"

"It'll have to do until you increase your numbers. Our goal is thirty thousand, remember?"

"Oh, boy," Kirby said as he munched on the terrible stuff, his voice rapidly turning hostile. "If ever this whole government thing pans out, lady, I'm gonna invent a way to hire someone to shake you down for money to balance out the emotional damages you're wreaking on me tonight."

Fiona's eyes lit up with dollar signs. "Why, that's a marvelous idea! We can make a whole industry out of it! Just imagine! Fiona Villager versus Kirby, only in court, not the battlefield! There'll be a peer-enforced board with regulations, and judges with those sexy white wigs, and people paying hundreds of thousands per year to learn the trade! Think of the bureaucracy! The profits! The glorious paperwork!"

"Keep dreaming. There's no way yer gonna be able to pay to set up all that shit."

"Ha! That's what you think. The entire government will be funded by the people's tax monies."

"T-tax monies?"

"Yeah! Based on their income bracket, everyone will pay between twenty to fifty percent of their earnings for the privilege of having a fully-armed government to protect them! Plus, there'll be sales tax on every item! We'll tax everyone's food, water, and property, too! It'll be grand!"

"But… but what if people don't want a government? What if they don't want to pay these… taxings?"

"Then they'll be thrown into prison to rot like the freedom-hating cheapskates they are!"

"NO!" Kirby yelled in protest. "This world you imagine sounds like the opposite of freedom! It's a mafioso's dream! It's basically organized crime on a citywide scale!"

"Correction: a Galactic scale! We Smashers are in the unique position of being able to earn as much as we want per day, thanks to those 'coin' matches Luigi mentioned earlier. We have the potential to create a world where everyone will live by strict rules and norms, rules created and enforced by a small pool of folks with an infinite supply of money! That's us, by the way. With the ability to literally create coins out of thin air, the edge of the known universe is the limit! We can take loans out against any future profits. If those profits don't manifest and the economy ends up tanking, no problem! We'll just play more coin matches!"

"Get real. No one's gonna stand for that kind of thing. The people-"

"Won't know or care about us. We'll indoctrinate kids. Hoard resources and sell commodities at inflated prices. Hop those inter-dimensional train portals, invade far-off universes, and strip them of power and resources! We'll send a few guys in to do the dirty work from the inside, gain the trust of the locals… hmmmmm. That may not pan out if our reputation becomes known. First we gotta get our spies to fund some rebellions and initiate false flag attacks. Once their infrastructure's been bombed to hell, we'll send Dr. Wright in. After installing our banks, we'll force the foreigners to take loans from us and trade with our currency, effectively shackling them to our debt-based system…"

"But why? What's the point of all this?"

Fiona didn't miss a beat. "Because if we don't do it first, they might do it to us."

"_Might _being the key word here! I hope you realize, Fiona, that what you propose is a completely unsustainable system! If ya treat these coins like they're infinite, the entire economy will become unstable! Not to mention, these ridiculous invasions of yours will only work if you imagine that the Multiverse will never run out of harvestable resources!"

"Let the scientists deal with the details! Don't you see, Kirby? In a surveillance-heavy world where our movements, purchases, and preferences are tracked and sold by the minute and everyone thinks and acts within predictable parameters, the only decisions anyone needs to make are which shows to TiVo and which detergent to buy! Oh, and which corporate- and financial-backed puppets to vote for. Luigi's media empire will be all over this. They'll make a fortune out of keeping the masses bickering amongst themselves over petty issues that _we _introduce and underline, all the while downplaying any real controversies that may shake up the current hierarchy!"

"You're starting to scare me," said Kirby. "Actually, I was a little freaked out before. Now I'm terrified."

"Good! Absolute power is a scary thing. Once we limit people's talking points and interests, keeping them from engaging in critical thinking, the rest is a breeze. Dissidents can be plucked en masse like Oddishes."

"I thought this was about preventing rape, not dominating the free realms with Orwellian schemes."

"Oh, but those things go hand in hand! Until everyone in the universe shares the same value systems and points of view, there will be injustices everywhere we go! In fact, you could say it's our _duty_ as coin-bearing denizens of this planet to socially condition the populace to the point where terrorism, rape, privacy laws, and copyright infringement become relics of a barbaric past!"

"Ya really thought this shit out, lady. Damn. It sounds like you imagine yourself to be the leader of this criminal enterprise."

Fiona's eyes lit up with stars. "Who better? I have Mayor-ial experience. My smut fiction will make me a household name. All I'll need is a miniskirt, some kids for show, a media-ready sob story, and a strong, military-industrial-backed foreign policy."

"Not to mention a few million coins' worth of plastic surgery."

"EXCUSE ME?"

"Just sayin'. I'd highly recommend Dr. Mario. His work is a bit rough around the edges, but ya get what ya pay for, especially if ya pay him in whisky."

At that moment, out of nowhere, a heavy jolt shook the Smashgrounds, like an earthquake in the sky.

All the lights suddenly switched off. Air conditioners could be heard powering down.

"The fuck?" Kirby cried, quivering. "What now?"

Without further warning, the ground dropped out from below and Kirby, who'd just begun floating, was pressed up against the falling ceiling of the aviary-fenced cage so quickly that he was squeezed out of it in several fluttering pieces. Thanks to the Veteran's healing abilities, those pieces quickly re-formed, but he now found himself completely alone, two thousand feet above sea level.

Fiona, on the other hand, screamed in terror as she plummeted down to the ocean far below. The only thing she could think of as she cried for her life was that she hoped the Camera Lakitus didn't catch a glimpse of her in that gaudy bathrobe, without her makeup. That would be a PR disaster.

* * *

Nana jolted up from Pac-Man's glow-in-the-dark bed, stunned to see that it was already nightfall.

_Oh, no! I'm late for dinner! _She bemoaned. _That insensitive yellow gumball didn't even bother to wake me up._

She felt around for the light switch and turned it on. Her head was spinning, but after some time she was able to locate her clothes. Suddenly, the power went out.

_Huh. That's... never happened before._

Just as the female Ice Climber finished sliding her panties back up her tiny legs, the ground disappeared from below her and she fell upwards towards the ceiling, bumping her head on the cherry-shaped chandelier.

Unbeknownst to her, she was riding the momentum from the moment the Emeralds were removed and the Smashgrounds began to fall into the sea.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh!" she belted in terror.

* * *

All of Smash City was enraptured at the sight: following a sudden loss of power, like a giant free-fall ride at a theme park, the many islands of the Smashgrounds suddenly dropped at an accelerating speed from their two-thousand foot height and zoomed down towards the ocean below, sending a sweeping gale plowing through the streets.

Eight hundred feet before the entire grounds splashed into the water, their fall slowed greatly, and then at about five hundred they halted in place.

A floating black and red figure, surrounded by glowing gems, was seen using some sort of psychic power to hold the islands in the air and greatly slow their descent. Camera Lakitus could only get so close before their equipment was fried by wild energy forking from the Chaos Emeralds. After a few minutes, the figure appeared to be exhausting all its latent power.

The phantom collapsed, only to be caught by a hovering twin-tailed fox, who carried him away just as a blue blur was launched from an airship by a hammer-wielding pink hedgehog smacking a springboard.

The daredevil's launch was impeccable – he was flung through the midst of the seven falling gems and immediately transformed into a bright yellow Super Saiyan – er, that is – Super Sonic creature that zipped back and forth underneath each of the islands in turn, using all its might to hold them up individually at speeds undetectable to the naked eye.

"What in the blazes is that?" Taizo Hori (Dig Dug) asked Toadsworth.

The mischievous old Toad cracked a smile. "That ain't Blaze, my friend. That there is Super Sonic."

"So… you mean the legends are true?"

Toadsworth gave his companion a dirty look. "Legends? The fuck you talkin' 'bout?"

Their awkward conversation was halted by a nearby television, which began inexplicably blasting the song "Super Sonic Racing".

Once Super Sonic's power was exhausted, Hyper Knuckles took over and continued where he left off.

After a rather painful-looking ordeal, the Smashgrounds islands were safely dropped into the Smash Sea as gently as a leaf; the ripples from the landing were enough to topple a few buoys, relocate some Staryu, and submerge a good percentage of the beaches, but caused no property damage or casualties (aside from a few unfortunate hobos).

* * *

Tails, exhausted from a long flight, dropped Sonic onto the deck of the floating airship Shadow had rented. Amy and Shadow were waiting with a nice cold can of _Powerthirst_, which Sonic gulped down in one sitting.

"_Ah! Powerthirst!_ _The energy drink for people who need UNCOMFORTABLE AMOUNTS OF ENERGY! Available in flavors Manana, Fizzbitch… and GUN! You'll feel like a fighter jet made out of biceps! When God gives you lemons, you find a new God! Godberry, king of the juice. You'll have babies! So many babies! Four hundred babies! Side effects may include glowing sweat."_

Amy tapped her foot on the deck, copying Sonic's signature move. "Are you finished yet?"

"Yeaaah, just about," Sonic continued, shaking out the last drops of the crystal meth in a can. "Where's Knux?"

His question was soon answered when the echidna was spotted on television beating up a Camera Lakitu and stealing his cloud, tossing the nerd into the drink. He soon landed on the airship, Emeralds in hand.

"All in a day's work," said Knuckles.

"So," Shadow asked Sonic, "what's our next destination?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Sonic replied. "We're going to go after those assholes that chained you up in that godawful chamber."

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" a voice cried from above.

It was a pink puffball that had recently failed to stay airborne and was now falling towards the ship. Tails quickly revved up his tails, flew upwards, and caught him.

After thanking Tails, Kirby waved hello to the others. "Greetings, large-headed, oddly-proportioned anthro characters. My name is Kirby, and I come in peace. Have we met before?"

"OMG SO KAWAII!" Amy screamed.

"Sonic T. Hedgehog here. Y'know, I do have the feeling that we've crossed paths in the past, Kirby. There's a chunk of my memory about seven years ago that's a little hazy. Anyway, this is Tails, Shadow, Amy, and George Harris– er, I mean Knuckles. You've got business with the moon people too?"

"Sort of. All my friends left to confront the oppressors that live up there. There ain't much we know about 'em, just that they are extremely cruel and very powerful. But I'd much rather be facing certain death than spend another minute with the would-be dictator on that island."

"Very well," Sonic said. "I think it's high time we took a trip to the moon."

A small notification popped up on the television feed of the event: "Kirby has joined the party."

* * *

Fiona's eyes rattled around in her head as she woke up, dazed from the fall.

"Are you okay?" Nana asked, hovering above her with an ice pack and first aid kit.

"Mmmmnn. Hi there... I... I need a favor..."

"Yes? Anything!"

Weakly, Fiona's fingers held up a key to a padlock. "Do you think you could... ow... grab me my phone book from inside that cage? My doctor's number's on there."

Nana nodded. "Sure thing!"

The Female Villager watched carefully as the Ice Climber opened the lock, hopped into the cage, and grabbed the book. Before she could leave, though, Fiona leapt to her feet in a flash and slammed the door shut on her new acquaintance.

"HUH? Why? What's going on?" cried Nana, grabbing the aviary netting and pulling with all her strength.

"The world is in dire need of its savior," Fiona said silkily, stroking Nana's cheek through the metal. "And right now, its savior requires your cooperation. Pick up that telephone."

* * *

Thanks again for reading!

Well, now! I bet no one saw that ending coming! Did I take it too far this time? What are you looking forward to? Please let me know with a review and hopefully the next chapter will be out in a few days! :D

Also, I did not come up with those _Powerthirst_ jokes. They're sorta old, so I don't blame anyone for not knowing 'em. Check out the classic videos _Powerthirst_ and _Powerthirst 2_ on YouTube.


	16. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic

**A/N:** Despite insane demands at work and the retirement of my old laptop (RIP 2007-2014), I'm really happy to be delivering this update on schedule (these two chapters are really just one long chapter that I decided to divide into two shorter ones for easier reading).

Due to IRL stuff beyond my control, I'm not sure I'll be able to steadily maintain the current pace of updates, but as always, I thank y'all for your patience and hope you enjoy it. ^^;;

**sippurp123:** Thanks again for your review! I have some insane plans in store for Fiona, but am still deciding on some of 'em. I really hope you enjoy this chapter, especially the Zelink part. :D

**Meowkerz:** Wow! It means a lot to me that this story inspired you to make an account and subscribe. That really motivated me! I hope you continue to enjoy this fic! I have considered posting longer chapters actually, but right now my reasons for posting shorter ones are that they (A) are easier to read and (B) allow me to maintain the quality I'm going for. Don't get me wrong, I do try and update as often as possible, but I worry a bit that if I tried to increase my rate, the material might end up being repetitive or predictable, especially since the game's roster isn't complete yet. :O

**shingekifan001:** I really enjoyed your review. Must have read it five times. Thank you for the lulz. If I'm not pissing someone off I'm not doing it right, but I'd expect a fan of _Shingeki no Kyojin_ would be cool with brutal character deaths. ;) I hope you continue to read the fic since some shit is gonna come to light that you may enjoy (or not).

**Guest:** Thanks for your review and patience! Glad you enjoyed the ending of that last chapter. :D

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen**

**Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic  
**

Solid Snake's finger hesitated before launching the _Great Fox's _limited but nevertheless deadly supply of three missiles, each directed at a different target.

The Ominous Voice telepathically addressed him. "We've detected that you're considering defection. You're wondering, 'why am I doing this'? You fought alongside these people in the past. Some of them were your good friends. Two were _more _than friends. You don't want to hurt them anymore."

"Switching sides stopped being an option when you made it clear that if I refuse you, you'll just hollow me out and use my body as a puppet anyway."

"Ah, true. Or, you know, we could do to you what we did to Daisy."

"Yeah, there's that to haunt me too. Point being, I'd rather not be a soulless husk. Anyway, if you were probing a little deeper, maybe you'd know that I fully understand why we're doing this. Why it's necessary. God knows I've done much worse in my time."

"Yes, but you're an infiltrator, not a killer."

"Got that right. I'm not exactly a fan of WMDs or pointless conflicts either."

"Which is why we needed to enlist a 'pacifist' like you to end this bloodshed."

Snake scoffed as he put out his cigarette. "Violence doesn't end in a pretty suburban cul-de-sac. It's an eternal highway, littered with bodies."

_If none of 'em make it through, this will all be for nothing, _Snake reflected. _Another reset. Another soul-draining massacre._

"That is why this time _will_ be the last time. They're stronger now. You feel it, too. Imagine that you had one chance to destroy every nuke on Earth. What would Raiden say? How about Otacon? Meryl? Kaz-"

Snake tightened his bandana to prevent himself from biting his own tongue in frustration. "You know what my biggest pet peeve is? Floating psychic mouth-breathing creeps getting into my head."

"Touchy, touchy. I get it. Now press the button."

"If we fail to end this tonight, I'll end myself so thoroughly even all the king's horses and men couldn't put me back together."

"Yawn. That's what you said the other dozen times. Your track record isn't looking too good. Anyway, we're already pushing the deadline. None of us want this to last any longer than it has to, Agent Gray. Purple and Red are on the field as we speak. The rest depends on the collective will of those Smashers."

_Then let this be the decisive battle_, Snake thought as he pressed the button. _Forgive me, guys. I just wish there was another way._

* * *

Link tried to keep his thoughts clean as a whistle as he creaked open the door to the pantry, snuck in, and dead-bolted it. After stopping to check his reflection in his Mirror Shield, take off his cap, and fix his hair, he then made his way towards the little back room labeled "Emergency Fairy Bottles".

Sure enough, as he slithered open the sliding door, he caught a glimpse of Princess Zelda, who had her back turned to him and her attention focused on a clipboard.

"Your Hero has arrived," Link announced as he closed the door and slowly walked up to his lover.

Zelda turned to glance at him briefly, and then returned to her inventory list. "Usually the Hero doesn't get the girl until _after _he's completed the quest."

But the Hero had already closed the distance and was standing mere inches from his prize.

"Yeah, but don't you think that's kind of an unnecessary tradition? Sometimes the Hero likes to be reminded what he's fighting so hard for."

Link rubbed, ever so softly, the back of his knuckles against Zelda's exposed neck, starting from just underneath her ears. Her natural scent was intoxicating.

_He likes how I smell. What a turn-on. He doesn't smell too bad himself. Essence of Roserade?_

"You mean just earning the trust and favor of the princess isn't enough?" replied Zelda, pulling away teasingly and walking several feet in the other direction.

Unfazed, Link followed her and blocked the Fairy Bottles she was trying to count by leaning against the cabinet and looking her directly in the eyes. "It might be for some other Heroes. But they're all suckers, 'coz they didn't have _you_."

"There have been countless Links and Zeldas. We don't know if that's true," argued Zelda, but her resolve was growing weaker by the second. "Plus, weren't you the one who was all gung-ho about finding out the truth this morning?"

"How long are you gonna keep pretending you don't want it as much as I do?"

_I love how intense his sapphire eyes are_, Zelda thought. _And those lips…_

She raised her gloved hand and unlatched the collar of his undershirt. "Oh, just as long as _you_ keep pretending you don't enjoy the chase."

After briefly running her fingers under his chainmail and over his chest, she winked and turned back to her clipboard.

Link nabbed the thing from her hands and stuck it in his magically collapsible item bag, leaving her with nothing else to look at but his desire-filled eyes.

"You know I like a good challenge. But half the fun of solving a puzzle lies in knowing there's something special waiting at the end of it."

"My, you're thirsty," she noted, even as Link ran his hands up Zelda's bare back and began to unstrap her purple top, which latched together under each of her shoulder pauldrons. To distract her, he peppered her cheek with little kisses.

"And you're in denial. You haven't come since this morning. Must be awful wet down there, after all those images I put into your head."

"You really think I'm _that_ horny."

He let Zelda's top fall off her shoulders and smiled as he leered at her bare chest. Her nipples were fully perked up. "I _know_ you are. It doesn't take a mind reader."

Zelda moaned softly as Link pushed her up against the metal cabinet and began kissing her tenderly. A bunch of the fairies moved to the edges of their bottles to watch.

"It… doesn't matter… There's work to be done… we're almost at the moon…"

Link smiled as he gently groped Zelda's glorious breasts and traced swirling patterns around her nipples. "Yet strangely, I don't see you pulling away."

"That's… because we both… oh! …know how this is gonna end," Zelda moaned as she felt Link's member rubbing up against the outside of her skirt, even through his tightie-whities.

* * *

"We have incoming!" Luigi cried from the helm of Starship Mario as a mass of black objects flooded out from behind the shimmering space-barrier.

As it so happened, their spherical ship was attacked by a horde of space-Keese. The notoriously hard-to-kill batlike creatures flooded Luigi's vision. He banked the station to one side, narrowly avoiding one of Bowser's airships.

"Whuzzat?" asked Mario, pointing behind them as he injected himself with a syringe filled with vodka. "Looks a-like a massive space a-wang!"

After toasting a majority of the Keese with some fireballs, Luigi squinted through the mess. From the distance, an enormous missile was heading towards the Comet Observatory. Handing the helm to Lubba the Luma, Luigi reached for his cell and dialed Rosalina.

_Shit. No signal._

"Ey Mario, you got a-signal?"

"WHAT?" Mario replied, busy unzipping his trousers. He peed on a swarm of Fire Keese approaching from behind. "Hahaha! Get a load of this, Luigi! It's a-super effective!"

After trying his phone again in between shooting off more fireballs, Luigi turned to see Mario's stream of urine smacking the Keese.

"I SAID GIMME YOUR PHONE!"

Mario turned around against the ship's momentum to pass his cellphone and ended up staining his own pants.

"Mama mia! That was a-stupid!"

Luigi checked Mario's Galaxy 5. He didn't have any signal either.

"After all you've a- broken, murdered, and a-destroyed today, _that's _what a-you think is stupid? In a-the first place, you should a-be using FLUDD!" insisted Luigi, placing the phone back in Mario's pocket.

"Ah!" Mario realized. "Good call, _paisano_!"

Lubba pulled the starship into a somersault. Mario sprayed the bats from behind while Luigi toasted the stragglers: fire and water made an excellent team.

* * *

"Sorry, Fox, no one's seen Zelda," Sheik replied over the video comm. to the Star Fox Team leader's request for a magic barrier. "But I'm confident I'll be up to the task."

"Really now?" Fox queried.

"Yeah. I'm actually a Zelda myself, just from a different world line."

"Wait, you're a chick?" noted Wolf.

"Schyeeeeah? I wear ladies' clothes all the time. I'm… surprised you haven't noticed."

"Huh. I… always thought you were just a really, really, attractive guy. It kept me up at night. Guess that means I had no reason to question my sexuality. Maybe I wasn't even gay until Leon and I… ah, well… it's too late now."

"Wow! Fuckin'… I told you he was flaming! My gaydar is _never _off!" Olimar called out to Popo, who was currently on the bridge of the _Halberd_. "You owe me seventy coins!"

Popo sighed. "I hate my life. Now I can't afford my _Final Fantasy XIV_ subscription this month. My Free Company's gonna kick me out. Thanks a lot, Wolf."

"I'm not the one who made a bad bet, sister!" Wolf grumbled defensively.

"It's cool, Popo. Just pay me next month with five percent interest," said Olimar. "I may be a bit of a megalomaniac, but let it never be said that I am unmerciful."

"ANYWAY!" Sheik continued, rolling her eyes. "I know a spell that will basically mitigate all damage for quite some time. That should suffice, Fox, no?"

"That it should. Falco and Wolf, let's go ahead and engage."

"Can we go into all-range mode yet?" Falco asked, giddy as a schoolboy.

"Yeeeeeessss, Falco. Going into all-range mode."

Sheik performed some stretching exercises. "Slippy, hang back for a second and I'll meet you on deck after I grab some magic bottles."

"Affirmative!" called Slippy, hitting the brakes without looking back and nearly smashing into Wolf, Samus, and Olimar in the process. "W-where am I going again?"

The Sheikah sighed. "Peach, if you could grab those bottles, I'll guide Slippy from the cannon deck with some flares."

"On it!" Peach immediately ran to the supply room to grab Sheik some of the green replenishment bottles.

Sheik turned to the Captain. "Oh, and Bowser?"

The Koopa King was furiously trying to Google his son's killer, crushing two sandbags in each hand as stress balls. Megadeth's "Holy Wars… The Punishment Due" was blasting off his headphones. He didn't even look up at Sheik.

"_WHAT?" _he barked when she waved at him.

"Uh, good luck. Please try to cover me if you can."

* * *

Zelda freed Link's Onix-hard dick from the pee-hole in his white leggings, prompting it to smack hard against her clitoral hood. Even through her stockings and dress, it was pretty painful.

"Ow!" she cried.

While Link moved up to kissing Zelda's cheeks and ears, she began to undo his leather shoulder straps and belt, and then pulled off Link's tunic.

"Fuck me hard and true, My Hero," she said in a sultry voice reserved only for Link.

He pulled down her stockings.

From all the movement, Zelda's dress fell to her waist, and she grabbed Link's hands and put them on her silky ass cheeks, which he wasted no time in tenderly fondling. Zelda had the perfect fat-to-muscle ratio on her heinie, something that Link thanked The Powers That Be for every night.

_If only he knew that Zelda was actually the human incarnation of the Goddess Hylia, destined to be reborn again and again, _thought the author. _What an ironic situation. Too bad I can't actually put that in the fic, since Link doesn't have his memory. Oh, wait. Maybe I can write it from my POV. Can I even get away with that? I just did. Take that, English professors worldwide!_

Link's cock was now sliding up against Zelda's slit and rubbing her wetness all over her vaginal area. In fact, Zelda juice was currently dripping on the floor and onto Link's normal boots.

Unbeknownst to them, it also stained the corner of Yoshi's camcorder lens. Sad to be giving up a prime under-the-balls-shot before the action even got started, the dino carefully pulled his RC car back under one of the cabinets to get a different view of the situation.

_No one really likes under-the-ball cam anyway, _Yoshi thought. _It just adds production value._

The Hero was giving the princess hickeys all over her neck, teasing her by pushing the head of his dick in an inch or so, and then taking it back out again.

"Evil!" she cried. "Ugh! You're so evil!"

_Nothin' like delaying gratification to make the sex even hotter. That's the power of my legendary member. I'm baiting the dungeon's boss into making the first move,_ Link thought subconsciously.

"Wow, that was a nerdy thought," observed Zelda; thanks to hers and Link's close proximity, she could read deeper into his mind than even he was capable of. "If… if you're just gonna keep teasing me like this… I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands."

"And how do you propose you- AHHHHH!"

Unable to take it anymore, the Princess had grabbed Link's cock and shoved it inside herself.

"OH GOD YES," she moaned.

"HYYYYYEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!" Link exclaimed as Zelda wrapped both of her legs around his back and pulled him towards her.

"Go, Speed Racer! Go, go, go, go!"

He began pounding her hard against the cabinet, shaking all the Fairy Bottles. The fairies, formerly watching in curiosity, were now panicking for their lives and trying to will the cramped glass prisons they called home from falling off the edge of the cabinet. As of yet, their tiny voices were failing to reach the two Hylians in the midst of their mating ritual.

* * *

Peach could have sworn she heard some moaning and/or pounding from somewhere as she made her way back from the supply room with a crate full of magic bottles, but she soon chalked it up to Yoshi, whom she spotted when she yanked open the broom closet across the hall and caught him drooling at a small monitor.

"You! What kind of shenanigans are you up to now?"

But Yoshi simply pocketed his remote control, leapt over Peach's head, and vacated the closet. Only, in his panicked state, he left his headphones, which were still on his head, tethered to the monitor on the floor. After being pulled by the cord, the dino smacked his humongous nose upon the top of the door jamb and fell onto Peach's blossomed bosoms.

"AHHHH!" she cried, and then thwacked him away with a frying pan. Yoshi rebounded off the back wall and into her low, twirling down-smash, a powerful move which spun him into the hallway, where he hit the opposite metal wall with his skull.

Unbeknownst to him, Yoshi was drawing close to the record for the most solid hits on the noggin in one day, a record that Mega Man, with Fox's help, had made earlier. If he had brain cells, a good amount of them would have packed up their bags, sued for general abuse, and moved on to greener pastures.

Peach stood with her arms crossed and pointed at the monitor.

"Just what is this, Yoshi? You're hiding in here watching some adult vid- wait."

Link and Zelda were in the midst of an epic fuck session. She knew she should look away, but couldn't bring herself to. A pang of jealousy shot through Peach's mind, even as her cheeks turned crimson.

_Wow, they're really going at it. I sure wish someone would fuck me like that._

As if answering her request, Yoshi had sidled up to her and began rubbing his head against Peach's hips, like a pet cat. Willing his pupils to expand, he looked at her with the cutest, most innocent eyes. But after seeing the mirror reflecting off his shoe as he slid it under her skirt, she only gave him a swift kick under the chin and sent him back into the closet.

"Grow up! Hmph!" she yelled, and then slammed the door on him. "In case you haven't noticed, the rest of us _are all outside fighting for our lives_. But by all means, if you want to keep festering in your own perversions, stay in there for all I care!"

The Princess soon grew to realize that it was truly Zelda she was frustrated with. By then Peach had made her way out of the ship to the cannon deck, where she nearly dropped the crate in surprise.

It was a full-on fireworks show.

Mega Man, DK, and Diddy were fending off attacking Metroids, Polar Bears, Totoros, Redeads, and a whole motley crew of assorted invaders. Purple portals spawned Subspace enemies.

"This is fuckin' insane!" Mega Man yelled, tears of joy in his eyes. "I forgot how much I loved killing whole armies of things!"

"Got your bottles, Sheik!" cried Peach.

"Thank you!" the Sheikah replied before leaping in the air and forward-smashing a sniping Eggrobo off the map. "I'm still waiting for that Slippy fellow to show, but in the meantime…"

She cast Nayru's Love onto Peach, Mega Man, Diddy Kong, and Donkey Kong, using the last of her magic. She then guzzled one of the bottles just as the newest wave was in danger of overcoming the deck.

"SMASH BALL INCOMING!" Bowser yelled from the bridge. "Clear that deck!"

Suddenly, a Smash Ball materialized in the center of the deck. DK and Diddy tag-teamed it; Donkey Kong grabbed the Final Smash and was able to knock several waves of enemies off the deck at once with his percussion skills.

"We have Smash Balls, too?" asked Sheik.

Peach nodded. "A small supply. Apparently, Bowser's rationing them."

The short break allowed Diddy Kong's wild gestures to be noticed.

For the past few minutes, Diddy had been trying to direct someone's – anyone's – attention to the large missile approaching the ship, only he'd been screaming at the top of his primate lungs for so long that he'd lost his voice.

"What is it, little guy?" Sheik asked.

Diddy pointed again frantically. At last, Peach saw the monstrosity approaching.

"Mega Man!" she cried. "I need you!"

He cracked a suave smile. "Shyeeah, blondie. You and half o' Smash City, but yer so earnest ah might make an exception. A woman who knows what she wants... a rarity in this day an' age. Just gotta get you a new pair o' threads, maybe some leopard print pants-"

She interrupted him by pointing up at the missile. "I'm talking about _that_ thing! It looks like a rather devastating weapon! Maybe you can ride a Bullet Bill over there and try disarming it!"

"M-m-me? Ride one o' them sharkface things?"

"I know it's your first day and all, but we need any help you can give us, Mega Man. Or it might be our last." She gave him a peck on the cheek. "For luck."

The android's face turned blood-red. The erupting heatsink in his stomach kicked his internal fans into overdrive, and spurred by a whole new universe of possibility, his brain's CPU overclocked itself.

"YOU BETCHA, PRINCESS! I SWEAR, IF I MAKE IT OUTTA THIS ALIVE, I'MA TAKE YA OUT ON A DATE!"

"Um, sure. Just destroy that thing!"

_What have I done? _Wondered Peach as she watched Mega Man hop the next Bullet Bill into the unknown.

* * *

Thanks as always for reading! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! The next one is chock full of action! Please let me know if you have any feedback!


	17. The Great Gig in the Sky

**A/N:** This is **part two of a two-part update**! If you're just checking in from the last update, please see Chapter Sixteen first!

Here's where the real action starts! Pretty darn happy with how it turned out! Enjoy and expect a few surprises along the way!

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen**

**The Great Gig in the Sky  
**

Fox was being shot at so furiously, he could barely keep his bearings. He barrel-rolled through a barrage of incoming fire from several unmanned drone fighters; counter-acting the vertigo, the Arwing's G-diffuser system allowed McCloud to focus on his targeting reticule, which appeared as a hologram over the cockpit glass.

He locked on and took out several groups of bogeys at once.

Four dozen octoroks fired at him from rotating asteroids. Falco swooped in and made short work of two clusters, but then found himself pursued by three Banzai Bills.

"Could use a little help here, Fox!" he cried, but it was Samus who swept in and toasted the Bills before they could hit their target.

"Much appreciated, Sammy," said Falco, covering her tail by firing a smart bomb into a crowd of rapidly closing Eggrobos.

_I'm glad she's all right, _Fox thought as he shot down some blade-wielding Flage enemies that were leaping towards his Arwing. _I should have been the one to save her. Maybe I should apologize for my behavior earlier, before we're both killed. …what would I say, though, without looking like a chump? Or is that a part of it? Is it ever a 'cool' thing to swallow one's pride? How would that even look to the other guys, to admit that I was wrong? This is kind of a new thing for me._

And then a cucco hit Fox's cockpit, prompting a high-pitched scream.

"Aiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!"

Falco, Wolf, and Samus all blurted out laughing at his squeal, despite being engaged in life-and-death dogfights.

"It was scary, all right?!" screamed Fox as more cuccos began to swarm his ship. Barrel rolling did nothing as the evil beasts' talons latched straight onto the fuselage. The quickly multiplying raptors of death began to peck away at the cockpit glass as if it were made of cardboard.

"I'm in trouble!"

It was Samus again who saved him. The bounty hunter had just ascended the upper lift from her gunship and used her flamethrower to toast the pesky birds.

"Grilled chicken, anyone?" she asked, grabbing one of them that didn't appear so burned and heading back inside to take her spacecraft off autopilot.

"Wow… good call, Samus," Fox managed, and then immediately noticed something sinister approaching. "Behind you!"

She maneuvered out of the way just in time. A large white and red ship, which would easily have rammed the gunship into smithereens, blasted past the fighters.

"Did anyone get the plate number on that big rig?" Fox asked.

"Scanning," Samus replied. "Analysis complete. Earth-class Battle Cruiser. Ship name: _The Virgin Victory_."

"She ain't gon' be a virgin for much longer!" yelled Bowser. "FIRE!"

"Hold up! That ship ain't alone!" cried Olimar, who'd spotted a very large mecha approaching at ludicrous speed. "It's a giant version of that dude from _FLCL_!"

"Naw, G," observed King Dedede, who was busy trying to laser-fry several Duon 'bots that were assaulting the _Halberd_. "Dis foo' got an unusually proportioned head. He be all, like, stupid lookin'. Prolly fo' copyright reasons."

Whatever it was, it was inbound. The four-limbed monstrosity boasted a massive squareish television for a head and a rainbow aura. Propelled by jets on its feet, it performed a high-speed dive-kick towards the Arwings and Wolfen fighter, but their pilots were too quick to fall for such a tactic.

Fox somersaulted out of the way, and then banked hard to the right to whip towards his target and engage in an all-out frontal assault.

But the _Virgin Victory_ was already providing cover fire, shielding the mecha from Fox's Hyper Lasers while squadrons of floating Reapers (Kid Icarus) took the blows from Bowser's Bullet Bills.

"Those lackeys are takin' hits for that Robo," Fox observed. "That must be the boss. We need to know its weakness."

"We've lost contact with _Great Fox_!" said Falco.

Fox massaged his chin. "Where the hell is Slippy when ya need him?"

A determined voice sounded out from the cockpit of the Giant Robo, soon accompanied by the video feed of a masked man with a ridiculously large head, clad in a red jumpsuit. "Why, if it isn't the leader of the Star Fox Mercenary team and defender of the Lylat System, Fox McCloud, and his companions, legendary bounty hunter and the one-woman force behind the Great Metroid Cleansing, Samus Aran, joined by the ace pilot Falco Lombardi, Wolf O'Donnell, the homosexual leader of Star Wolf-"

Wolf groaned while frying a couple of GEATHJERK ships. "Does it really matter so much that I'm gay?"

_Great Metroid Cleansing? _wondered Samus.

"-Captain Olimar, roving researcher and explorer from Hocotate Freight and his Technicolor army of loyal Pikmin, and of course… wait, where's the talented mechanic-inventor and current COO of Space Dynamics, Slippy Toad?"

Fox couldn't decide if he was more impressed or annoyed at the guy's knowledge and ability to introduce his whole squadron. "Is this spandexed fool for real? Man, you must have been reading off a teleprompter or somethin'."

"That's what I keep telling him!" a masked Blue dude with a surfer accent replied. "He must have an earpiece; someone's feeding him lines!"

"Just who are you clowns supposed to be?" asked Falco. "Some _Viewtiful Joe_ rip-offs?"

"My name is Wonder-Red, Special Combat Agent of the CENTINELS Planetary Secret Service, Blossom City Field Office! And I'm joined by a hundred of my fellow CENTINEL operatives! We aaaaaare… The Wonderful 101, protectors of planet Earth, and the vessel we're currently piloting is Platinum Robo, the cornerstone of planet Earth's defense! It's our sworn wonder-mission to take you down for the good of the universe!"

"Man, goodie two-shoes here is a bore and a half," said Wolf, firing a smart bomb. "Sorry, Blunder-Red, but your cameo's over and done with."

"I don't think so," Wonder-Red replied as Platinum Robo kicked the smart bomb away. "All right, Wonderful Ones and P-Star, let's show 'em what for! WOOOOOOOONDEEEEEEER HOLLLOOOCAUUUUST!"

A heroic theme began to play as the mecha inexplicably grabbed two nearby GEATHJERK starships and held them under its arms like weapons. The space demon then began using its dual-wielded high-powered lasers upon Bowser's fleet, sending dozens of airships plummeting to their doom.

"Mother of God," said Samus. "They're genocidal freaks."

"Stop that Robo!" Bowser cried over the comm. "For the love of Pong, give 'em all we've got! Pump 'em full o' lead! Someone call Toon Link!"

* * *

"Did ya just say you ate tons of cock?" asked Toon Link, who was supposed to be Captaining Tetra's Pirate Ship (she was on vacation in the Sunshine Islands) but was instead engrossed in playing _Dissidia 012 Duodecim_ on his PSP. "Like, today, or in your lifetime? How much we talkin' here?"

Falco groaned. "No, you imbecile! I said watch your ten o'clock! We're being massacred!"

"Oh," he replied, then gazed out the porthole window. "In that case… Gonzo! Make for twenty degrees, port side, and come abreast!" Toon Link commanded into his walkie talkie.

"Aye, aye!" his first mate called from the helm.

"Mako, I think it's high time we show 'em the power of our nuclear-tipped cannons!"

"Couldn't agree more!" The nerdy pirate yelled, sitting at his advanced targeting computer, which he reverse-engineered from one of Bowser's submarines.

"Ready… aim…"

The cannons were lined up with Platinum Robo's gigantic head.

"FIRE!"

* * *

By this time, Link's knees had given way and the couple found themselves humping on the floor atop a pile of their clothes, much to the relief of the fairies. Both were naked and covered in sweat as Zelda was wrapped so very tightly around Link's body in the missionary position.

"Fuck… oh… fuck yes, baby…" she moaned. "Do all those things you imagined you'd do… don't hold back…"

"When… have I ever…?"

"When you're teasing me, of course!" she cried, and kissed him. "OH! Turn me over, sweetie. I want it doggy-style."

The inner emptiness that Zelda felt when Link pulled out was refilled tenfold when he turned her over and slid his sword into its warm, wet, and waiting shaft. Link's body bent completely over Zelda's, and true to his teasing vision, he tenderly licked her ears, one by one, and then her neck, all the while playing with her breasts. She tightened and loosened her pussy muscles to match his movements.

Both Hylians subconsciously ignored the booms that rattled their chamber.

* * *

Pac-Man's Galaga starfighter made a swift landing atop the Comet Observatory. Its radiant engines slowed to a fading chiptune hum as he descended, homerun bat in hand.

"O Merciful Fruit Czar Puckerton," the Male Villager groveled, greeting his deity with a low and reverent bow. "To what do we humble protectors owe this great honor?"

Out of nowhere, Puck took a fully-charged swing at the Newcomer, sending him flying backwards and off the ledge.

"Puck! What is the meaning of this?" demanded Rosalina, appearing with her Luma from Ness' chamber.

Pac-Man tossed the bat at Rosalina (it missed) and picked up a Super Scope.

"You idiots just can't get with the program, can you? It doesn't matter how simple and convenient your lives are, how carefully we try to make you feel at home at the Grounds. Every flippin' time, it's the same shit. You want the truth. You'll sacrifice everything to get it. And we're the suckers who have to keep you in line. Rinse and repeat. Ball and chain. Crimson and clover, over and over. Meanwhile, the _Wii U_ and Japanese gaming in general are dying a slow and painful death, and my career is still in shambles."

He dropped a device that resembled the _Ghostbusters' _Ghost Trap, which cracked open a black-and-purple swirling portal.

"Can't we work together somehow?" asked Rosalina. "There has to be a peaceful solution."

"You don't think those Voices have tried that already? I've been kicking ass more than thrice as long as you have _existed_, Rosie," he pointed out. "And in all that time, I've never seen a conflict that wasn't resolved through violence, whether overt or covert. Power is the only truth in this universe, the only force capable of keeping such a disparate rabble in line."

"You're wrong!" cried Melville, who just barely recovered from the sneak attack and pulled himself up the platform of the Observatory's outer rim. "Any unity achieved through violence is a sham, a convenient peace. No one living under oppression can be truly happy. The only uniting forces in this universe are love, courage, and hope. I thought you of all people would understand that. Or are you not the Legendary Deity of the Golden Pellets? The vanquisher of evil spirits? The Godfather of Gaming?"

Yet as he spoke, both the Male Villager and Rosalina were stunned to see a gang of Fighting Polygons, Wireframes, and Alloys stepping out of Pac-Man's Subspace Generator. There were a good three dozen of them.

Pac-Man chuckled. "Heh. The idealism of youth. Love didn't bring me out of the depths of obscurity. Courage didn't doom me to generations of rehashes and following in your boy Mario's footsteps and tire tracks for years. Hope wasn't what got me here today, standing with my own personal army behind me. This is _my _show now."

"We can take them," Rosalina whispered to Melville. "Unless they're 'Cruel' level fighters. It's impossible to tell until you're facing them head-on."

"Leave the front lines to me," Melville said. "You and Luma watch my back."

Pac-Man, however, just laughed. "Hey, Rosie, you might want to look behind you."

"Seriously?" she said. "That's, like, the oldest trick in the book."

"Suit yourself."

Luma checked behind her, and then freaked the fuck out. "MAMA! IT'S A FUCKING NUKE!"

Rosalina spun around to see the _Great Fox's _missile coming in at full speed. She immediately flicked her wand, sending all her Lumas out to hold back the rocket, and then used a modified version of her Gravity Well technique to hold the weapon of mass destruction in place within a space bubble, a pocket of dark matter that held it in a temporary stasis just a hundred meters away.

It appeared to take all her energy to hold the missile back.

"Melville! Forget about me! You need to get Ness away from them!"

"That'll be easier said than done," said Pac-Man with a grin as the Alloys, Wireframes, and Polygons all circled Melville. "Let's see what you've got, Villager."

* * *

"I'm goin' in with my payload," Falco announced, dive-bombing against the Platinum Robo. "Someone's gotta do it!"

"Wait, Falco, no!" screamed Samus.

Toon Link's mortar-filled cannons exploded on impact with Platinum Robo and sent it flying wildly. The _Virgin Victory _was all but scuttled from a barrage of lasers and flak, but its guns were still operational.

"Now firing all guns," said its pilot, Alice MacGregor, seemingly uninterested. She took aim at Toon Link's Pirate Ship, and the two vessels engaged in a separate one-on-one battle.

A familiar voice announced its long-delayed entrance onto the scene. "Enemy shield analyzed!"

It was Slippy, who had Sheik squeezed rather uncomfortably inside the cockpit with him.

"I've never been happier to see you!" said Fox. "And that's no lie."

It now became clear that Falco had just made it out of the explosion by the feathers on his forehead; the miracle of his survival had to do with the glowing blue diamond surrounding his and his teammates' ships – Nayru's Love, Sheik's damage-mitigating trump card.

"Spearhead formation!" cried Fox as he, Falco, Wolf, Slippy, and Samus all dive-bombed into Platinum Robo with their shields, which made them stronger than mach-speed diamonds.

"Let's see how your magic holds up against Professor Margarita's heart and soul! Bear witness to the United Nations' ability to bring the rest of the universe to its knees!" Wonder-Red announced. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNDEEEEER-HAAAAARRRRRDDDDEEEENNNNN!"

The Wonderful Ones all banded together to form a protective barrier around the Platinum Robo – only, it wasn't the kind of structure Wonder-Red had in mind, and it was only covering the lower half of Platinum-Robo's torso.

"A giant penis?" Wonder-Blue said drolly. "Really? Very creative, guys."

"Zut alors!" called the French Wonder-Green, munching on some freedom fries. "Why, but zees ees glorious! Don't you agree after all zat whipping it ees time for some dipping, Miss Pink?"

"Aiiieeeeee!" Wonder-Pink shrieked in her Transylvanian accent as the rotund rifleman began licking in her general direction.

Wonder-Blue jumped on top of Green, ending his vulgar teasing. "Can it, Na-_chode-_leon Bona-_farte_."

"Fucked, we are. With us today, the Tao is not," said Wonder-White, shielding his face from the impending debris explosion.

"Erm, it would have been nice to have had a catch-phrase about now," the Russian Wonder-Yellow lamented.

"…" said Wonder-Black.

The high-speed interstellar jets carved through Platinum Robo's head like superheated diamonds penetrating butter. They then circled around and carved through it again, vertically. That seemed to do the trick.

Mother Platinum's CPU blinked on and off, flickered, and in one sad moment it died completely.

"WOOOONDDDEEEEER GLIIIIIDEEERR!" announced Wonder-Red, and the Wonderful Ones' CENTINEL suits joined together into a Unite Morph of a humongous glider.

They then wonderfully wafted on the non-existent winds only to land on the bridge of a rather large battle cruiser, staring down two large laser arms.

"NOOOO!" Wonder-Goggles, the most universally hated member of the team, began bawling excessively at the loss of Platinum Robo. "MAMA! OH-OH-OOOOHHH! We didn't mean to let you die! SHEIK, I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!"

The one hundred combatants dusted themselves off only to come face to face with a large heap of scrap metal. King Dedede was lounging atop two bested Duon robots, munching on some grilled cucco. He was joined by Marth, Meta-Knight, and Popo.

"Whadda we got here?" he laughed. "Ey boys, check it out. Looks like we got ninety-nine problems, and a sandwich ain't one."

"Y'all came to the wrong neighborhood," said Popo, who then took a hit from Dedede's pipe.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" Meta-Knight announced. "Anyone moves, they feel the wrath of my lasers."

"Darling, those things ran out of juice three minutes ago. There's no other explanation for why you're all out here like this, other than that you just wanted to say hello. I tend to have that effect on men."

Everyone turned to see where the voice was coming from. A New Challenger stepped forth from the Wonderful Ones and took off the ridiculously tight-skinned nanobot-infused CENTINEL suit, snapping back into her normal proportions. And what proportions they were! A perfectly curvaceous figure, garbed in black, donning magical sidearms on her heels and a katana in her hands.

"Mmmm. I've been dying to get some action going," said Bayonetta, stretching her back. The Umbra Witch was rather sick of limiting her powers to fight as a part of a team.

She addressed her temporary employer. "Take a back seat, Wonderbread. Let me have a crack at these individuals."

"Very well," Wonder-Red replied, and then lowered his voice. "But do keep in mind we are on a time limit."

He pointed to the ship's port side. The third and last of _Great Fox's _missiles was closing in on them.

"Ha!" she joked, and then winked at the CENTINELS operating leader. "Come now. There's no time like Witch Time. This will be over before you can say, 'Wonder Woman'."

After setting down a boom box that began playing "Fry Me to the Moon (Climax Mix)", Bayonetta cracked her neck, rotated her hips into proper position, and pointed at Marth.

"You there! Classy gent! You certainly look like you know how to tango."

The prince drew his sword and leapt down to face off against the Umbra Witch. "Boku wa makeru wake ni wa ikanainda!" (There's no way I can lose!)

"Show me what you can do with that blade, and I'll try to remember to leave time for pillow talk."

Both combatants raced towards one another.

* * *

Thanks for reading!

_Bayonetta jiggles jauntily into the jamboree?_

Man, I can't wait to see her spouting some sexy one-liners. I agree that her chances of actually getting into Smash are pretty low considering her overt sex appeal and handguns (not to mention Hideki Kamiya's angry Tweet last year asking Smash "idiots" to stop pestering him), but a guy can dream, right? I mean, that's what fanfic is for!

I really enjoyed _The Wonderful 101_ and apologize for any minor contextual spoilers. I didn't want to get too into detail about 'em since there's a lot of people out there who still haven't played this fantastic game. Gameplay-wise, at least, it's the first hybrid beat-em-up/RTS and while there is a learning curve, it's totally worth it; the story had potential but the execution was hit-and-miss, IMO, though I'll admit Vorkken had some pretty decent writing and voice acting. Maybe a lot of the charm was lost in translation, though Nintendo's localizations are usually top-notch. I have no idea.

Next time, we'll catch up with the Falcon Flyer (Palutena, Pit, Captain Falcon, Ike, GW, and all the Pokemon, whom we haven't really seen in a while) and find out... well, you'll see.

Hopefully y'all enjoyed this update. Or hated it! Let loose your volleys with a review! Don't be shy, you can tell me what you want, what you really really want (so tell me what you want, what you really, really want)! And please subscribe! I hope to have more for ya within this coming week! ;)


	18. Fry Me to the Moon

**A/N:** Dear readers, thank you so much for your patience! So... from checking out the story traffic, I've noticed that whenever I post a two-parter, the first chapter gets only half as many views as the second one! Not to mention, the whole splitting chapters thing has caused some confusion. That makes me as sad as poor Lucy Hare! D:

SOOO... I'm gonna try an experiment. Until further notice, I'm going to try posting each update as its own standalone chapter. Feel free to let me know if this is a good/bad idea!

This also means that you're lookin' at the most bloated and action-filled chapter yet at OVER TEN THOUSAND words. Please don't let this scare you, though! I divided the episode into three "Acts" for easier reading (I wouldn't try to read this all at once! XD). Enjoy!

**EDIT:** Tightened up some dopey prose.

**sippurp123:** I'm so glad you got my PM and enjoyed the rest of that scene! There will be moar Zelink in the future. And as always, thanks for your feedback! Sorry about that whole debacle. :O

**Meowkerz:** Very happy that you enjoyed the last chapter! I recommend taking a break between each of the acts in this uber-long chapter, though. :)

**Anyone:** Thanks for your comments! Yes, that lemon was definitely unfinished, on purpose. :) I apologize for drawing things out so much, haha.

**Catnip101:** Thank you for your review! Hope you like this newest chapter!

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen**

**Fry Me to the Moon**

**I. Black Magic Woman**

Marth opened with a Dancing Blade combination, which Bayonetta nimbly dodged and followed up with a quick four-hit katana combo. She finished off by blasting him with Rosemary and Thyme, Rodin's custom-built handguns.

But the bullets were ground-dodged, and the Umbra Witch leapt away to buy herself a little more space.

_She's fought me before_, the swordsman realized. _There's no other way she could have timed that so perfectly._

"Ah, sweet reminiscence. I remember our first time like it was yesterday," Cereza said with a smile. "Hope it was as special for you as it was for me."

_"Oboete inai!_"

"What's that, darling? You don't remember? Oh, that's no fun at all."

Bayonetta cartwheeled in and performed a Heel Slide, which Marth countered.

After landing in the opposite direction, Bayonetta leapt into the air and just barely missed the tips of Marth's dual horizontal slashes (neutral aerial). She then quickly used an After Burner Kick to send him flying backwards. This was followed up by her transforming into a Crow and chasing him down whilst prepping her feathers for an aerial attack.

Thanks to a fake-out, Marth's next counter was too early by an instant, and the Crow's feathers caught him off-guard.

With the swordsman stunned, Bayonetta used a Stiletto attack to close the distance and knock her opponent back quite a ways. She chased him down with an Umbran Portal kick. After emerging from the dark abyss and dealing significant damage, she found time to strike a pose for Wonder-Green and Dedede's cameras.

"I know what you're thinking. This hardly seems fair," she pouted, sticking a purple magic lollipop in her mouth. "I've got the upper hand here. And you'd be right. But try your best to remember. You just might be able to uncover what you've been trained so hard to forget."

_At least she's honest_, thought Marth. _If she's used to my fighting style, there's only one thing I can do... and that's fight recklessly._

Cereza struck another pose for the cameras as Marth approached from the air. Just as Bayonetta attempted a mid-air slash combo, though, Marth ground-dodged. Her landing stuck a split-second later, which gave Marth enough time to catch the Witch in a charged up-smash.

Marth followed up the launch with an upwards aerial slash; the Umbran Witch hit the sweetspot on his Falchion just right, allowing him to juggle her in the air for another two solid hits. Following her recovery, Bayonetta's descending After Burner kick was denied by a perfectly timed Dolphin Slash. The rising wall of steel sent her off towards the starboard side.

"My, that's no way to treat a lady," she admitted. "Your form's improving, but it remains to be seen whether your best can satisfy me."

Bayonetta's landing was solid. She dodged Marth's low slash with a full set of magic and snapped into Witch Time, greatly speeding up her attacks. In one seamless motion, she stunned the prince with her sidearms, grabbed him with her hair, and slammed him into the ground.

A giant spiked torture wheel fell from a portal in the sky atop Marth.

_What the hell is this? _he wondered in shock and awe.

"Sorry our dance had to end so soon, lover boy." Bayonetta kicked the spiked wheel hard, sending it spinning at top speed atop the poor prince.

Marth exclaimed in agony as his innards were torn apart and quickly reformed at incredible speed. A second kick from Bayonetta had Marth flying off the stage.

The Wonderful Ones began cheering their champion's name.

"BA-YO! NET-TA!" they jeered.

Dedede, Meta-Knight and Popo all watched the scene rather worriedly. Their own champion barely made it back onto the ledge, and he was looking rather worse for wear.

"I dunno how much longer I can watch this," Meta-Knight grumbled, refusing the pipe.

"Fifty coins says Marth wins," said Popo, who always cheered for the underdog.

"That's a dumb bet," Dedede replied, and finished the bowl. "I'll take you up on it."

"Hey guys, I'm gonna sneak off and see if I can do somethin' about that missile," whispered Meta-Knight, who then leapt onto a Warp Star to jet off the scene when none of the Wonderful Ones were looking.

* * *

Little Mac couldn't believe what he was seeing, while Ganondorf couldn't believe that they were allowing him to videotape it.

Palutena lay spread on the dining table of the _Falcon Flyer_, with Pikachu currently licking between her legs while his nose rubbed furiously around her clitoral region. The static from his cheeks and fur tickled her entire being with light electric pulses.

"Ohh! Yes! Fuck, I've never… ahhh! Not like this! This is positively electrifying!"

It wasn't long before she had another wild orgasm, which, for anyone keeping score, was well into the triple-digits for this rather long day.

"Kachu!" he said, and then shifted so that his five-inch member was right in front of her entrance.

"He's askin' if yer a little chafed up in there," translated Meowth. "He means no offense. Just that it'd be understandable after all you've done today."

"You're tellin' me he really said _all that_ with one phrase?" Palutena queried, guzzling a _Burning DK _energy drink. "The answer is probably. But you've done a good job prepping me. I'm sure I'm game for another round, you adorable little Pika-dude.

She pet his cheek with her hand and let him suck on her fingers as he applied another coating of Chu Jelly to her entrance. As he worked his way into her, Palutena turned to look at Pit, who was currently hanging from the ceiling by the straps of his full-body bondage suit. So as to not mess up his hairdo, the hood was down and he had a ball gag in his mouth.

"Do you like what you see, my little angel?"

"MMmmmmph, hmmmppphhhh mmmmmfff."

"Saucy as always, my Goddess! Excuse me, little guy," Captain Falcon announced, squeezing through the horde of watching Pokemon, and lastly, Pikachu, with several draft beer steins in hand. This was probably the largest party he'd ever hosted on the _Falcon Flyer._

"Pika Pi!" / "He says, call him little guy one more time, and it'll be your last," Meowth translated.

_What a prima donna, _Falcon thought. "No offense intended, bro. Have a drink."

While Pikachu worked on maintaining a good rhythm while inside the Goddess, he chugged the beer like it was nothing. At the behest of the other Pokemon, the rock star-like mouse poured the excess foam onto Palutena's pussy.

Falcon held up another stein. "Uh, extra brew, anyone?"

Beating out Greninja, Septile, Blastoise, and Jigglypuff, Charizard gladly snatched the extra mug and guzzled its contents. The other mostly Water-Type Pokemon, many of whom were masturbating or awaiting their turn with the Goddess, began making threatening gestures at the Fire/Flying type.

"Hey, hey, there's plenty at the bar. Go to town on the Widmere and Guinness. Just… please. If y'all could leave at least a couple of Stella kegs for the return trip, I'd really appreciate—hey! Not everyone needs to go at once! Take turns, you animals! No running! Please! You'll throw off the engines! Watch that carpet! No, I'm plum out of American beer! Sorry! Gadzooks!"

Frustrated and wishing that his regular bartender didn't have the week off, Captain Falcon finally left the scene to enter the cockpit adjacent to the dining room. Little Mac and Ganon were waiting patiently, and Ganon's laptop was sitting on the dash.

"So, where's Ike and GW?" Falcon asked, closing the door.

"Topside. Guard duty," Ganondorf replied. Now that the three were alone with some brews, he flipped open the screen.

"What is it we're looking at again?" Little Mac asked Ganon.

"My dossier for all the Smash sisters. Check it out."

Little Mac took off his gloves to use the trackpad to cycle through Ganon's collection.

"Man, your hands stink!" reflected Captain Falcon.

"Yeah, I get that a lot," Mac replied, almost proud of the sweaty stench.

Ganon had filed the women according to a certain set of rubrics out of a scale from one to ten: parameters included Hotness, Sanity, Intelligence, Tenderness, Femininity, and Honesty.

"Honesty?" Captain Falcon laughed. "Good luck determining those stats with anything approaching accuracy. What is this even for, dude?"

"Promise me you won't laugh."

Captain Falcon and Little Mac both leaned in close.

"Cross my heart and hope to fly off the track and die in a twisted wreckage," said Falcon.

Not one to be one-upped, Little Mac pulled out a knife and carved out a long gash on his forearm, spurting blood on the cockpit floor. "I swear my sanctity by the zombified corpse of Saddam Hussein!"

"Holy shit dude, ya didn't have to go that far!" Ganon exclaimed as Little Mac's blood squirted into his eyes.

"Yeah, don't be bleedin' all over my baby!" yelled Falcon. "Someone grab a Pokemon we can use as a mop!"

"WAIT! UNF! Nobody touch that blood! I want Pit to lick that dry! AHH! Meowth, be a dear and untie him for me," said Palutena, who saw the whole mess through the door's glass porthole.

Meowth unlatched Pit from the ceiling and let him fall to the floor.

The leather-clad angel rolled his eyes as Meowth took off his ball gag. "But… milady…" he pleaded. "That's disgusting."

Palutena paused from lightly finger-fucking Pikachu's asshole while he was balls-deep inside her. "Did I stutter? Let me hear a 'yes, mistress'."

"_Le sigh_. Yes, mistress."

After holding open the door, Pit got down on all fours before the bloodstain. He bent over and began licking it up before the stunned trio of grown men.

* * *

Mega Man leapt off his Banzai Bill ride just as it careened into the missile, doing negligible damage.

The Super Fighting Robot landed on the spinning rocket with a _CLANK._ He magnetized his feet to latch sturdily onto the missile's steel exterior and pressed forward step by step, searching for a way to disarm it.

One of Slippy's badly aimed laser blasts just missed his feet.

"Hey, I'm walkin' here!" he yelled as the Arwing pulled a U-turn to assist the other fighters in battling the next wave.

After toasting several Glice enemies rotating around the missile, Mega Man used his Saw Blades to cut open what looked like a rear control panel.

"Ohhh, Princess Peach, won't ya listen to my speech?" he sang. "I may not have any stars of invincibility… but you're the brightest star in the sky tonight for me…"

(Mega Man's singing "Luigi's Ballad" by Starbomb. Check out the video on Egoraptor's YouTube!)

"BOOYA!" a creepy voice yelled from within the missile.

"GWAAAAHHH!" Mega Man exclaimed as a flying fist soared out of the opened hatch and knocked him back. He caught a quick glimpse of its owner – a large-nosed creature with fierce eyes.

"The fuck are you?" he cried in mid-air.

"DEATH SHALL BE YOUR FATE," the voice intoned once again. Disembodied fists and feet flew without warning or reason at the stunned android, knocking him to the ledge. "AND I SHALL BE THE DELIVERY BOY."

In his struggle for something to hold onto, Mega Man finally latched onto the nuclear tip. "Y-y'know... if you was tryin' to make a metaphor or somethin'... that doesn't actually make any sense. In fact, one might say it totally fell flat on its face. 'Course, I may not be the best English teacher out there."

Mega Man clambered back up to the top of the spinning cylinder only to come face-to-face with the very odd dude. Disturbingly, he had transformed into a completely different individual: one that was friendly, calm, and collected. The limbless humanoid was currently dribbling his torso like a basketball and whistling a tune, his eyes filled with a childlike joy.

"Were you saying something, stranger?" he asked. "Need a hand there?"

Mega Man ignored the guy's floating hand and pulled himself up. He raised his gun-arm at the zany creature. "That was… really fuckin' scary. The hell'd you hit me for?!"

The large-nosed freak took a break from dribbling his own torso and scratched his blonde hair. When he spoke, it was in a Canadian accent. "Ah. Sorry about that. That wasn't me. That was the _other _guy. He isn't very nice."

"Er. Right… Is he liable to comin' back out again?"

The purple torso guy furrowed his brow. "Unfortunately, he sure is. But some friendly conversation might keep him at bay."

"Well, until then, buddy, just keep me company. Maybe ya can help me disarm this deadly device, no pun intended. I'm Mega Man, by the way."

"Rayman! So glad to meet you! Stoked, even! The other guy isn't, though. He thinks you're a has-been. I apologize on his behalf."

The two men were approaching the missile's guidance computer.

"Ah. Well, that's too bad. But if there's one thing I've learned in the last twenty-four hours, it's that ya can't befriend everyone in the universe. Especially not talking foxes. The more ya try to please everyone, the more ya end up failing."

"Got that right! You've gotta have at least one or two friends, though. You'll start to lose your mind otherwise. Get anxious about things you've done. Regrets. Mistakes. The kind that leave trails. Entrails. Then you've got no choice but to question everything. Maybe you'll make another 'mistake'… just to quiet the voices… maybe a few of them. Or a dozen."

The blood-red eyes suddenly returned as Rayman's evil side ogled Mega Man like a meal to be devoured.

"Yes! I can very much relate to this thing you just said," said Mega Man, pulling out a Sonic Screwdriver and unlocking the CPU. "Them feels! I do b-b-believe we have grown closer in this short time. We're very sorta kinda a little bit alike, you and I. You, uh, seem the heroic type, too. One created out of a necessity to fight evil. Let me guess, you're flyin' solo as well. In search of Mrs. Right. And, er, I'm willin' to bet you've fought a lot of weird shit in your time."

"It's like you_ know_ me! OH YEAH! Tell me about it!" Rayman laughed, suddenly going all manic again. "That's the story o' my life. Creepy magicians. Evil pirates. Foul-tempered musical notes. Do you know what I love? Rabbids. NO! NO, I HATE THEM! EVIL ALIEN BASTARDS! HEY! HE THINKS WE'RE CRAZY! SHHHH! SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Rayman then punched himself in the face repeatedly. Mega Man tried to keep focused on his task, but because of the missile's constantly shifting polarities, his magnetic hands were fumbling in the process of disconnecting several crucial wires. At last, he managed to short out the guidance system.

"Shhhh. Nononono. Be cool. It's okay. Observe your breathing," said Rayman. He stuck his thumb in his mouth and began to suck it. "Mmmmmm. Tell me a story, Gatchaman. Something without furry creatures or screaming. A story about a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. Or maybe a super-hot Nymph, or a Fairy Orgy, or even your fantasies about that soulmate who doesn't know you exist and the softness of her skin and your plans to peel it off and wear her skin over you. SOMETHIN'! ANYTHING!"

"Er… um. Sure thing. Ya know. I got endless stories. Them women, they love me too much, if ya catch my drift. Haha. Whoosh. I mean, a heartthrob like me? Yeah, there's just too much ta choose from."

"STORY NOW," Rayman demanded, twitching. "CAN'T… hold him… back…"

"Um! UHH! Okay, like, this one time… I mean, my memory ain't what it used ta be, man. Mostly when I'm activated, it's to take down these evil Robot Masters, feel me. Almost all of 'em dudes, right? I mean, robot dudes. It's a sausage fest. But I'll never forget. There was a chick once… she was, like, a robot mermaid."

"Did she have a full-on trident?" queried Rayman.

"Yeah, G. A laser trident."

"That's pretty hot."

"Sure was."

"Did you get her number?"

"Um. Not really. I had to fight her. She was deactivated for a while. It was pretty dramatic. I think she's doing some modeling now, though."

"ISSS THAT SOOOO?" As it so happened, the deep, creepy voice returned, now in full force.

Mega Man trembled on the inside as Rayman gazed at him with his blood-red eyes.

Fortunately for him, in that instant, he managed to deactivate the detonator, and not a second too soon. The limbless abomination grabbed Mega Man with his large, white fist and smacked him up against the missile's CPU.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, NOOB?! That's what happens when you mess with other people's toys!"

But Mega Man eventually broke free of the grab. Now that the missile's detonator and guidance systems were dead, he used a Flame Blast to stun his opponent, rolled away from the opening, slammed the hatch against Rayman's face, and then leapt headlong into space.

"I may be many things, but a noob is not one of 'em!"

Rush turned into a tiny Jet, which Mega Man expertly space-surfed away from the scene. Only, he didn't count on Rayman's long reach.

The blonde berserker grabbed the android from forty feet away and yanked him back into an aerial kick, and then a charged-up sucker punch.

The Blue Bomber bounced on the floor and skidded over to the opposite side of the missile.

After regaining his footing, Mega Man stood and stared his opponent down.

"Playtime isn't over yet!" Rayman growled. "At least not until I void your warranty! I'm gonna chow down on your motherboard!"

"Ah! Wow, ya did it! You made an almost decent metaphor. I'm so proud of ya. Bring it on, beeswax."

_So it's no More Mister Nice Guy. I won't hold back, Rayman. I've got a date to make._

* * *

**II. The Game of Love**

A significant booming noise shook the Fairy Bottle chamber. Zelda convulsed from hypersensitivity as Link bit and sucked on her supple neck while fucking her rather gently.

"Ahhh… sounds like… a battle… maybe we should… get going…"

"Not until I finish you off again!" grinned Link, who already came twice.

"I… already came… like… six times… ah… now we just need to make you come again. I want your sperm in me, baby."

For it was semi-known among the Smashers that none of the women were capable of being impregnated. It was in some ways rather unfortunate in that regard, but at the same time it meant that protection was unnecessary for both sides… at least, until such time as an STD would be introduced in the mix. Thankfully, no such thing had reared its ugly head.

The princess rolled to the side, flipping Link onto his back, and then rode him cowgirl-style, placing her dainty hands on either side of his massive chest. She let him grab her ass cheeks and pound her as she rolled back and forth against him, teasing her clit.

"Ahhh, it feels like I'm being split in two," she moaned.

"That's what happens to anyone who dares to come into contact with my legendary member."

Taking control once more after a short break, Link pulled her all the way up his seven-inch length and back down again, hard and fast, until his balls couldn't take the pressure anymore. He went the extra mile and stuck a wet index finger up her behind.

"Oh baby," she cried as she reached another climax.

"I'm coming! HHYEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Link's eruption was so long-lasting and strong that Zelda was able to finish herself off just from grinding against him. The warm fluid gave her a feeling of ultimate completeness.

She collapsed at long last onto his chest in a mess of heavy breathing and sweat. Her hair was in tangles, and their mingled bodily fluids were now veering on the sticky side.

Zelda and Link both took a few minutes to just lie there in utter bliss.

The Princess' eyes were closed as she imagined that they were back somewhere familiar; Hyrule, perhaps. They'd be far away from all this insanity, free to do with themselves as they pleased.

_Only, would we? _She imagined it might not be easy for the castle-inhabiting Princess and the middle-to-lower-class Hero to discover one another, let alone spend the time to fall in love, or even find a discreet place to fuck.

_I'm not sure how succession works in Hyrule, but generally, aren't Princesses are supposed to marry Princes and keep the Royal interests in the hands of a precious few? But if I truly had the power of a Princess... couldn't I pass a royal decree? Couldn't I marry whomever I wished?_

She looked to Link, who was staring at the ceiling, no doubt zoned out, though he was stroking her hair ever so gently. Zelda took a peek into Link's thoughts, which were on an eerily similar tangent to her own.

_It's funny, just like that song, _Link thought. _Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone? I never really thought about this until just now, but I'm not sure I even want to go back to Hyrule. Not if Zelda and I can be together here, but not there.  
_

At this, she kissed him.

"Were you in my head again?" he scolded her playfully after seeing the warmth in her lustrous eyes.

"How could I not be? It was a sweet thought. I had to do something."

Link shrugged. "The thought itself was innocent, but... I mean, I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but don't we have a responsibility to our people to protect them? Shouldn't we return, if ever we get the chance?"

"You've got me there. Somehow, though, I get the feeling that they're going to be all right without us."

"How so?"

Zelda smiled as she snuggled even closer to Link. "It's just a hunch. And usually my hunches are pretty good. Now, I've gotta pee pretty badly. And there's other people who are relying on us. So let's get up there and see what's happening before we get tempted again."

She used her magic to clean both of them up.

* * *

Melville pocketed Pac-Man's Super Scope energy ball and shot it back out at one of the Fighting Alloys, sending it far off the level.

"Resistance is useless!" yelled Pac-Man.

Polygon Fighters surrounded the Male Villager from either side. He used his shovel to bury two, and then jumped jauntily away, barely missing a deadly smash attack from a third. A slingshot pellet fired backwards stunned the forth as Melville made his way up the stairs.

Several Wireframes gave chase - a blurry mass of them. Melville could only try and hold them off as best he could as they advanced towards the second-to-top level (the Bedroom), where Ness was being held.

A strong kick from a Wireframe Fighter sent Melville rocketing back into the outer walls of the Fountain's dome.

_Was... was this what Lady Rosalina meant by 'Cruel' level fighters...?_

The Villager got to his feet, but the blood rushing to his head (and not to mention the high-pitched wailing) told him that he was in the middle of recovering from a concussion.

"We have incoming!" Rosalina cried from below, but Melville's bad lip-reading had him interpreting her phrase as "Keep me coming!"

Combined with her pained, sweat-drenched face and arched back, the Male Villager drifted off into a split-second romantic reverie involving himself, a significantly less-clothed Rosalina, Luther Vandross on the vinyl player, and a waterbed... that was rudely interrupted by a three-hit punch combo.

The Fighters knocked Melville against the dome. The poor guy rebounded into the air, where several Alloys juggled him nearly into oblivion. A dark lightning bolt emitted from his person as he flew far off the Observatory.

_No. It can't end here. To give up and allow Ness to be taken would be to betray the Truth-Seekers. I swore an Oath, and by golly, am I gonna keep it._

The Male Villager swiftly recovered. A millisecond after regaining his bearings mid-air, he hopped off a loose piece of debris, double-jumped, and rode a Lloid Rocket into the fray to deal a parting blow.

_If I'm on my way out, _he thought, _then please, whoever's listening, l__et me go out fighting. Let me die without betraying my friends._

But his plans of martyrdom were thwarted, extinguishing his sex-filled mental image of Valhalla. At the very sight of the Male Villager, the Wireframes turned tail and ran back to their yellow-bellied boss.

"Tha's all ya' got?" Melville screamed as he landed and pulled out his boxing gloves. "Ha! Cowards! Huh, what are you pointing at-?"

Just as the Male Villager thought he'd managed to disperse his opponents with the power of his visage, he spun around to face an incoming monstrosity.

_OH_, was all he could think, followed by _SHIIIIIIIT _a moment later.

* * *

The tinny ring of the cat-bell on Pit's collar and the lapping of his poor tongue made it impossible for Ganon, Captain Falcon, and Little Mac to ignore the submissive angel in the room, who was currently slurping up Little Mac's pool of blood like an innocent kitten.

"Man, you really put up with a lot from her," whispered Captain Falcon.

"I live to please my mistress," replied Pit, but his eyes seemed deader than they ever were before Palutena had arrived on the grounds. He sensed pity in the others' gazes, which only made it worse.

"Yeah, but everyone's got their limits. You gotta draw the line somewhere."

"True. But hey, that day hasn't come yet," replied Pit, who was now slurping a particularly sunken section up. "This relationship is built on a solid foundation of trust. The whole point is that we have pre-defined boundaries and use moments like this to explore our limits, which leads to further strengthening our bonds. Milady would never ask me to do something I'd be uncomfortable with."

"I wish I could say I understand," Captain Falcon replied. "But I really don't."

"Don't worry about it, Cap," said Pit. "That just means you're normal."

Ganon shrugged. "I don't like that word. 'Normal'. Aside from determining a videogame's difficulty level, it doesn't actually mean anything. Like, I don't think anyone is actually quote-unquote 'normal'. We all just agree to collectively pretend that we are."

"True dat," agreed Little Mac.

The three dudes looked back to Ganon's laptop, and then returned to size Pit up.

Little Mac's Scary Face was the most piercing, and his voice came out like a half-veiled threat. "We can trust ya to keep mum about whatever you're gonna hear, right?"

Pit nodded vigorously. "Of course! C'mon, I'm not that much of a square!"

"Shhhh, keep it down!" Ganon whispered intensely, and then took a deep breath. "I'm… I'm making a dating sim," he admitted.

Little Mac and Captain Falcon both did their best to hold back on the chuckling.

"You guys promised no laughing!"

Ganon downed his beer and stood up to walk away, but Mac and the Cap each grabbed an arm and forced him back into his seat.

"Whoa, whoa, man. It's cool, we ain't judging," Captain Falcon insisted. "Do tell."

Ganon triple-checked each of their gazes to ensure their earnestness. "So yeah. It's a visual novel. Still in pretty early stages. But basically, you're a Newcomer to the Smashgrounds… and you start forming relationships with each of the ladies. Decisions include whether to take it easy on them during battles or go all out, whether to take them out to dinner, and who to spend the most quality time with."

"Is it possible to get with the Wii Fit Trainer?" queried Little Mac, who'd always been a little interested in her.

"Glad you asked. It's difficult, but not terribly so. You've gotta push yourself in the fitness mini-games without passing out for the first few weeks. You also have to defeat the Male Fit Trainer in Competitive Yoga."

Pit blew a raspberry. "There's no such thing as Competitive Yoga!"

"There is now!" Ganon insisted.

"How about Cooking Mama?" asked Little Mac. "Can you get all saucy with her?"

"Huh. You know… I never even considered that possibility. We might be able to squeeze that in," said Ganon, penning some notes on a Notepad file.

"This is pretty impressive," admired Captain Falcon. "I can't wait till I get to play it."

"It'll be a while yet," Ganon replied. "Right now I'm mostly working on the scenarios. Diddy's helping me with the art. That primate's pretty productive with Photoshop. You guys oughta peruse his portfolio."

The other two guys nodded politely, but afterwards there was a terribly awkward silence.

"It's looking splendid, ol' chap. Good work, really," Little Mac said, breaking it.

But sadly, Ganon had already grown rather self-conscious about the whole thing, to the point of regretting even bringing his creation up. He folded his laptop up, put it away, and said no more. Instead, he brought out his Google Glass and watched the live feed of Palutena's Poke-orgy as Chibi-Robo was filming it.

Pit looked up from his bloody task with red stains around his lips. "Why so serious, Ganon the Cannon?"

"You guys must think I'm a real loser."

Captain Falcon put a hand on his shoulder. "Huh? C'mon dude, where is this coming from?"

"No, it's true," he said, eyeing the hand on his shoulder as if it were a spider. "And it's okay. I get it. I'm an _otaku_ geek who prefers fantasy versions of women to the harsh reality."

Little Mac stepped into the ring. "No one's judging you here."

"Except you. All of you. Look, it's not your fault or anything. Even if you're too polite to say it, I'm sure it's in the back of your minds. _Even I _would think I'm a loser."

"But you ain't!"

"Let's be real, here. I run a citywide business founded on hidden camera voyeurism."

Captain Falcon snapped his fingers. "That's what's so perplexing. I mean, don't get me wrong, home skillet. It's cool that you deliver the goods. But you're tall, dark, handsome, and powerful. If you really put yourself out there, you could have any chick you want. Hell, there's a _very_ willing woman the next room over, and you're _watching her on your digital screen_. What's up with that?"

Ganon shrugged. "The screen is the only thing that makes it bearable, Douglas. Without it, I'm naked. You guys don't understand. It's just not easy for me."

"I guess the struggle truly is real," Little Mac said.

Douglas Jay Falcon scratched his head. "Man, between you and Pit here… I just don't know anymore, man. Whatever happened to good ol' fashioned, 'Hey, miss, I like you. Let's go get some dinner,' and then a week later you're doin' the naked chicken dance-"

"ALERT! INCOMING DEBRIS!" the ship's computer bellowed.

"HOLY SHIT!" screamed Little Mac as a large piece of what used to be a Giant Robot smashed into the_ Flyer_, nearly knocking Ike and GW clean off the roof. "Guys, get inside!" he yelled over the speaker.

"You don't have to tell _me _twice!" Ike called back as he and GW descended the entry hatch into the cockpit.

Captain Falcon grabbed the controls, but the incoming debris field was all but impossible to navigate.

GW held up a sign and rang his bell. It read, 'LOOK OUT!'

Ganon ducked as a volleyball-sized piece of debris punched a hole right through the cockpit glass, creating a deadly vaccuum. GW bravely inflated his buttocks and shoved his bottom into the crack, clogging it up even as his cheeks throbbed against the pressure.

'You might wanna RUN!' he wrote on his Etch-A-Sketch.

"That ass won't hold for long!" Pit yelled, his mouth and clothes all bloody.

The guys dashed out of the cockpit, but despite the fact that Pikachu was porking Palutena, Ike couldn't take his eyes off of Pit's face.

The mercenary elbowed the angel. "Dude! Did your mistress just have her period, or-?"

Pit's eyes bulged. "No way, Jose! This is Little Mac's blood!"

Ike threw him a knowing smile. "Riiiiiiiiiiight."

The sharp remains of an Eggrobo sliced through the fuselage and decapitated a Lapras.

Captain Falcon suddenly took charge of the situation. "All right! Change of plans! The _Flyer_'s not gonna make it to the rendezvous point! All Pokemon, get in those Pokeballs! Pit, we're gonna launch in the _Blue Falcon_ – once the racer runs out of juice, Palutena's gonna give you the Power of Flight and send you to the moon. You'll be aiming the Pokeballs at those Generators on the map. Little Mac, you're comin' with us, so's you can guard Palutena if anything unexpected happens. Ganon, give him your Google Glass with all the waypoints."

"What about you guys?" Pit asked over the loud, pounding reverberations of Pikachu's nutsack and Palutena's shrill screams of ecstasy.

Captain Falcon looked to Ike and Ganon, and poor GW in the cockpit.

"Don't worry about us," said Ike. "We'll take Charizard, Lugia, and maybe Kyogre, if you've got 'em. Pikachu, I'd recommend storing your groupies in Pokeballs, for safekeeping. Comprende?"

The groupies looked rather worried, but Meowth reassured them with some sly thigh rubs.

"It's really spacious in there, ladies," the cat said with a wink. "In fact, y'all can hang out at my place. It's a pretty tricked out bachelor pad. I got all the classics. Lionel Ritchie. Marvin Gaye. Slayer. Plus I just had the bar re-stocked."

"Do you have any Sugar Ray?" asked the blonde.

"Wrong question," Meowth answered. He tossed her out of the service hatch. "Anyone else here like Sugar Ray?"

"Um, I... don't think so? Please don't kill me," the redhead replied.

Meowth brought out an Ultra Ball, which spaghettified the groupies into the size of _Polly Pocket_ figurines. He then joined them.

Out of nowhere, the entire room filled with static, putting everyone's hair on end.

"PIIIIIKA!" Pikachu cried in a fit of passion as he pulled out of Palutena and spurted his thick jism all over the Falcon Flyer.

"KA! KAAAA! KAAAAAAAAAAAA! CHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" he continued, his eyes bulging nearly out of their sockets.

For ten whole seconds, the white stuff erupted as if from a volcano. The gallons of space semen caused a general chaos among the many men gathered around. Somehow, the fluids weren't affected by the _Flyer's _artificial gravity.

"OH DEAR GOD!"

"THE HUMANITY!"

"AHHHH!"

"Lawl. You boys are such sissies," Palutena laughed, and pulled out a silly straw, which she used to slurp up every last drop of Pika-cum.

"That was some shocking sex," the Goddess replied once she'd swallowed the full load. "You've got the perfect nature, and all the right EVs and IVs. Remember how that nurse said something earlier about the Thunder being too intense after you pull off that Rain Dance? Fuck that bitch. She and that cop are amateurs. Keep that Thunder Wave, too. Don't change a single technique on your moveset. Although, maybe next time, you and Meowth could Double Team me-"

But she was Cut off by Pit, who'd caught 'em all (the Pokeballs, that is) and was dragging his mistress to the _Blue Falcon_.

Some Stalfos bones crashed through the walls, nearly knocking Greninja out cold. Pit quickly stuck his free arm out and drew the stunned Pokemon into an unused Great Ball.

"Milady, what are you doing?" Pit asked as Palutena found a comfortable position – in between Little Mac's legs in the tiny back seat.

"Ah…" he managed as she began stroking Little Mac above his shorts.

The whole scene was seriously agitating Pit, who was sandwiched rather uncomfortably in the tiny space between the newest couple and Captain Falcon. Making things worse, Chibi-Robo climbed onto the angel's head to get a better shot of the action.

"Can we go yet?" Pit groaned as Captain Falcon squeezed into the driver's seat and hit the ignition.

"Hey, uh, I think there's a Pokeball under my ass," said the Cap. "Can someone get that?"

Little Mac attempted to reach over but ended up accidentally pushing the button, releasing the Pokemon.

"Aw, fuck."

A Dratini popped out of the ball and began slithering around Captain Falcon's legs, prompting him to twitch from sheer ticklishness.

"AH! Oh man! Not behind the knee! I can't help it! AHHH!"

His foot slipped and floored the gas. Just as Little Mac's average-sized member was vacuumed into Palutena's black hole, the_ Blue Falcon_ suddenly shot out of the_ Flyer_'s hatch and zoomed towards the aerial blitz.

* * *

**III. Evil Ways**

"Those masked goons landed on the _Halberd_!" Falco cried. "And Toon Link's still scuffling with that _Virgin_ ship!"

"Leave them!" replied Olimar, who was currently tossing Pikmin from his Freighter to take care of some Tiki Buzzes (the flying Tikis from_ Donkey Kong Country Returns_). "We have Master Hand at six o'clock! Slippy, look out!"

Unfortunately, Nayru's Love was no help to Slippy or Sheik as Master Hand swooped in from behind them and crushed the Arwing in one bloody shot, completely bypassing the effect of Sheik's spell.

The remains of Slippy's disembodied, crushed head drifted around in the cold vacuum of space.

Picturing the tears of the large, overbearing family his old friend and mechanic left behind, Fox yelled like there was no tomorrow. "NO! That's impossible!"

"SHEIK! SLIPPY!" cried Falco. "We'll avenge you!"

"HAX!" Wolf belted. "That was a cheap shot and you know it! You Ominous Fucks aren't playing by the rules!"

"WH4T3V3R, B1TCH. W3 M4K3 D4 RUL35," a robotic voice intoned.

Fox did a double take. "An unintelligible voice… is that... ROB 64?"

"N3G4T0RY! MY N4M3 15 _R0B ONE_! 4ND MY TRU3 4LL3G14NC3 L135 W1TH TH3 GR34T35T C0NS0L3 3V4! _XBOX ONE_ 4 LYF! M1CR050FT H45 TH3 B35T 3XCLU5IV3S! H4L0 M4K35 M3 H4RD!"

"What's he sayin'?" screamed Fox. "Can he be reasoned with?"

"PWN4G3 TIM3. J00 N00B5 R G0NN4 B3 CRY1N' 4 UR M4M45! R0FFL35!"

"Thought I heard something about our mamas," Falco observed. "It's a delusional fanboy, far beyond the reach of reason."

Samus grumbled under her breath. "UGH! This battle is growing more ridiculous by the second! Forget what he's saying! We need to either take that ship, or bake it!"

"Or we could shake it," Olimar added. "But just a tad. So when the mood's right, we can still make it."

Falco interjected. "Then if we get pounded too hard, we can fake it."

"Sorry, but this is conversation offends me. I'm gonna have to break it…... up." McCloud said, putting on his Expert Mode shades.

"Such a killjoy, Fox!" cried Olimar. "You always gotta ruin a good thing! Always!"

_Tell me about it, _Fox thought. _If only I hadn't been such an idiot, maybe Samus would still be by my side… or maybe Krystal… OH GOD WHAT THE HELL! BARREL ROLL!_

After Fox dodged Master Hand's attempted slam attack, the giant fist then rocketed towards Falco.

The bird evaded the lethal attack with no time to spare, only to come face to face with a sight he never thought he'd see again.

While eliminating a gang of bogus bogeys, Fox finally saw the ship that Samus was referring to as well. It was the _OG Great Fox_ (_Star Fox Assault_ version), heading towards them at top speed with four flanking _Wolfen II _fighters providing support.

"How can this be?" McCloud fell into despair. "It's… a ghost ship… if that's where that Bizarro ROB is coming from... then w-w-who's piloting the _Wolfen_? Am I hallucinating? Someone wake me the hell up if I am, but that _Great Fox _is… it's not fucking real! I saw what happened with my own eyes! It was destroyed!"

Wolf banged on his console. "Fox, snap the fuck out of it!"

McCloud's fingers trembled at his controls upon seeing his former home resurrected.

"Ah. Right. Team, disperse!"

But they were way ahead of him. Falco had banked a hard left and was carving up Master Hand with some laser fire. Wolf followed suit but from the opposite direction, dividing the Hand's attention.

Meanwhile, a lithe, blue-and-white figure landed on Samus' gunship. The bounty hunter opened the doors and a familiar face descended the lift.

"Sheik! Glad you could drop in," quipped Samus, who immediately regretted the bad pun.

"Good catch, Samus. I'm sorry, Fox. I couldn't save him," Sheik said over the comm., her hair and outfit a toasted mess. She chomped down on a Maxim Tomato.

"You're alive, Sheik!" Falco exclaimed in relief. "That's all that matters."

"What matters is that my magic doesn't work against those Hands."

Fox wiped the sweat from his brow. "Did you say Hands? Like, as in the _plural_ form of Hand?"

Just then, a cloaked Crazy Hand took a swipe out of nowhere, knocking Fox McCloud's wings clean off his aircraft, leaving him with a pitiful single laser and shorting out his G-Diffusers.

"AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHH!" Fox screamed, and then nearly passed out.

"…Don't ever give up, my son," a sock puppet said in a terrible impersonation of James McCloud's voice, bobbing up and down on Fox's comm. screen.

"Faaaather?" said Fox, his head spinning.

"Follow me, Fox."

A fake holographic Arwing led him straight into the _OG Great Fox's _lasers.

"IT'S A TRAP!" Olimar screamed in his best Admiral Ackbar impression.

"FUCK! Must I do _everything_?" groaned Samus, and dashed in to knock Fox off-target with milliseconds to spare. The _Great Fox's _ultra-powered lasers missed their targets and took out one of the new _Wolfen II _ships instead.

"UNCLE AAAAANDROOOSSSS!" screamed a zombified Andrew Oikonny as his ship imploded, crushing him.

Wolf's ears perked at the familiar voice. "No… don't tell me… that's my team...?"

"Y35! 4ND UR N3XT, W0LF13!

"Not if I can help it!" Wolf belted, on a collision course with the_ OG Great Fox._

The _OG Great Fox_ then blasted Wolf's _Wolfen II _to bits.

Unseen to anyone else, at the very last second, Wolf had ejected himself and disappeared off the radar.

"E4T SH1T, F4LC0! K1N3CT 15 500000 MUCH SW4GG13R TH4N TH3 Wii U G4YP4D! U P1KD D4 WR0N6 5Y5T3M! L0LZ!"

"Wrong, _ese_! That ain't Falco!" King Dedede quipped over the comm., watching the whole scene from the deck of the _Halberd_.

While soaring through space and redirecting his trajectory via the recoil on his gun, Wolf spoke into his communicator. "Fox! Fly into the docking bay! It's mutiny time!"

"WH3R3 15 H3?" ROB One asked no one in particular. Its Defense Systems perked up as the _Great Fox_'s detectors spotted Wolf leaping into the lower docking bay, just below the lasers.

"HIT THE DECK!" Fox called.

Wolf dropped flat onto the floor. It wasn't a moment too soon, as Fox's Arwing came crashing in at an extremely low angle. The scrap metal popping out from its cucco-torn fuselage was a half-inch away from tearing Wolf's fur clean off his back. McCloud ejected from his cockpit, performed a wall tech off the ceiling of the docking bay, and landed unharmed beside his old nemesis with his pistol drawn.

Wolf O'Donnell smiled. "Seems you haven't forgotten how to make an entrance, McCloud."

Working together, Fox and Wolf swiftly took out seven waiting Aparoid Crawlers with their blasters and kicks, and juggled the remaining Pookas and Koffings before smashing them off the front of the ship.

From within the depths of the docking bay, a New Challenger stepped forth. It was none other than their friendly neighborhood dinosaur, Tricky the Earthwalker, the prodigal Protoceratops Prince of Sauria. He boasted a massive Vulcan cannon strapped to his back and was still wearing the sock puppet of James McCloud on his horn.

"FOX! It's me, ol' buddy, ol' pal!" Tricky exclaimed, trying to glomp Fox, who barely escaped with his life by rolling backwards.

"Er… Am I supposed to know who you are or something?" Fox asked.

"It's me! Tricky!" the dinosaur cried. "How could you forget? You made me an honorary member of your team! Slippy bought the farm, right?! That means I get a spot on the Smashgrounds roster, doesn't it?!"

"Uhhhhhh. That really isn't up to me, kid."

"NO FAIR!" yelled Tricky. "You promised, Fox! Gimme my Arwing!"

With that, the dinosaur began stomping all over the place, knocking both Fox and Wolf back. His Vulcan cannon fired at – and missed – the two pilots.

The mercenaries exchanged glances with one another. Both knew what needed to be done.

They juggled that big-ass dinosaur into the air, knocked him into each other's grabs, bounced him off the walls, and generally made mincemeat out of him.

"Happy feet!" Dedede yelled.

Samus inspected her visor. The dinosaur had reached **239%** in a record ten seconds.

"Wombo combo!" Popo joined the cheering as Fox tossed Tricky to Wolf, who performed a Wolf Flash and meteored him off the ledge.

The cheering reached a fever pitch as Tricky was eliminated from the battle. The Protoceratops disappeared in a shining star falling to the planet's atmosphere and in all likelihood burned alive in an excruciatingly painful manner during re-entry.

Fox cracked his neck and shoulder muscles. So_ long, Trucky. Or Tracy. Whatever. We hardly knew thee._

"OH! OH! OH MY GOOODDDD! OHHHH! OHHHH!" A familiar female voice cried over the television, riding out the explosion of hype from the escalating fever pitch.

"OHHHH!" contributed Popo, Peach, and Bowser.

"WOMBO COMBO!" Falco yelled, still pumped. "GET YO' ASS WHOOPED! …wait. Double-U. Tee. Eff."

The battle slowed to a halt as everyone with access to a screen turned to see Palutena riding Little Mac within the _Blue Falcon_ on the comm. channel. But the feed disappeared within a few seconds.

"Oops, sorry 'bout that," Ganon replied from atop Charizard, with Ike and GW visible beside him riding Lugia and Kyogre, respectively. Ganon switched off Chibi-Robo's live broadcast feed and dodged a flying Master Hand. "Carry on, gentlemen."

"WHERE YOU AT? WHERE YOU AT?!" cried Falco. He then caught a glimpse of the sex video, which gave him some pause. "Wow. What the FUCK was that?!"

"Yeah, what the fuck, man?!" Olimar demanded. "We've lost good people buying time for you guys, and this is what you're-"

"MY FUCKIN' DICK HURTS!" screamed Little Mac. "MAH DICK HUUURTS!"

Ganon chuckled. "Little Mac's dick is hard!"

"Oh. We're all a little bit hard right now," admitted Captain Falcon as his racer sped past both Master and Crazy Hand and approached Bowser's airship.

* * *

Princess Peach twiddled her thumbs as she checked the holo-map. "Hey, Bowser, um, not to rain on your parade or anything, but it sure looks like the _Blue F__alcon_ could use some covering fire. And Mega Man's in dire need of help-"

"I found him!" Bowser exclaimed. He was looking at a picture of Big Boss from pre-release screenshots of _Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. _"Time for some sweet, sweet revenge, Naked Snake! Muahahahahaha!"

Peach pursed her lips and jogged her memory. The dots weren't connecting. "Are you positively sure that's him? I don't exactly recall the eyepatch."

"At this point, I don't care if it's really him or not. I've gotta kill _something_!"

Just then the video screen lit up with a static-filled transmission. It was Ganondorf, riding atop a Charizard.

"Hello? Anyone there?"

"Yo, Ganon!" Bowser exclaimed. "What's up?"

The signal continued blurting in and out. "Missile… _Great Fox_… Rosalina…"

"SPEAK UP!" yelled Bowser.

"Solid Snake! _Great Fox_!" blubbered Ganon. "Your son's killer! He'sh… on… _Great Fox_… launched... missiles..."

Bowser began hyperventilating in a total rage. "Snake? SNAKE? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEE!"

He spun his airship around from the front lines of the aerial assault and shot towards the missile-less _Great Fox_.

* * *

"Looks like Rosalina's got the missile in stasis! Hold on… is that… Puck?" Luigi wondered, squinting as Starship Mario drew closer to the Comet Observatory.

The Mario brothers were fast approaching the space station, and the Don needed to know if they ought to leap off and help or continue on towards the _Great Fox_. Neither Peppy nor ROB 64 were taking their calls, and those deadly missiles sure didn't fire themselves.

Luigi handed his brother a Bell power-up (for the Cat Suit). "Mario, you go inves-a-ta-gate the _Great a-Fox_! I'll see what's the deal-io with Pac-a-Man!"

"WHUH?" replied Mario, who was now guzzling a tank of gasoline.

"GODDAMNIT! ARE A-YOU TRYIN' TO BLOW US ALL UP?" Luigi cried. He grabbed the gas tank and tossed it off the spaceship, where it landed, unseen to the Don, on a pursuing Metal Gear Ray_._

"Ah, Luigi…" Mario pointed at the swiftly approaching missile-toting bipedal assault weapon.

The Don sighed. "It's really not a-my day."

Hollow point bullets erupted from the Metal Gear and peppered the space vessel. Mario's cape sent several back and Luigi shielded, but Lubba was hit in the torso and lost control of Starship Mario.

Mario tried to give Lubba mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but the Luma was twitching violently from the once-illegal explosive cap and coughing up pixie dust.

The portly plumber cringed and took off his hat in respect. "Mamma Mia… So long and farewell…"

"There's no giving up!" cried Luigi. He grabbed Mario, aimed him at the Metal Gear, and shoved two fingers down his throat.

Mario projectile vomited. His seemingly endless stream of sticky puke quickly stuck onto the approaching weapon. Luigi wasted no time in igniting it with his fireballs.

The flames covered the Ray, but did little damage. Still, it gave the Don some cover for what he was about to do next.

"Forget a-what I said!" Luigi yelled, and then used a Bell power-up, activating a Cat Suit of his own. "This fucker's serious! I need a-to take care of business! Protect Ness, Rosa, and that a-new guy! I'll meet you at the moon!"

"LUIGI! DON'T A-LEAVE A-ME!"

But Luigi had already gotten a running start. He performed a long jump from the helm's platform, circled around Starship Mario, and used the gravity boost to launch himself at top speed straight at the Metal Gear.

Mario, meanwhile, was stuck with the controls.

"Tell… Mama… I love her…" Lubba said, coughing out his last breaths. "Always have..."

"Tell her yourself!" cried Mario. "We're almost there!"

Lubba looked over the edge of the horizon. "Mario... if you could get me… to that missile…"

Mario pulled the Starship up towards the missile, but as they were being drawn in by the Observatory's Core, he could barely alter its momentum.

"C-c-close enough. Sayonara, old pal…" Lubba muttered. The Luma flew off Starship Mario, materialized into the first half of a miniature wormhole, and sucked in the missile.

* * *

"Neeeeeesssssss…"

"Huh?"

The kid blinked twice. On the television was none other than a very sickly-looking Porky Minch, laying in his Bed Mecha, a freaky-looking device with eight legs that made the portly geezer-child resemble an untreated corpse strapped to a giant cybernetic arachnid.

"FINALLY, we get through to mister snot-for-brains," he said in between whooping coughs. "No wonder we couldn't enter your mind. That helmet's a real pain in the tuckus, just like those goody two-shoes Truth-Seekers!"

"Good! I'm sick and tired of you and your evil buddies messing with my head!"

"How are _we _the evil ones? You're the bed-wetting fools who still haven't figured it out yet! Tell me, Ness, if they're your friends, then why did they tie you up and abandon you? They're afraid! Afraid of the power you hold... and they should be! They're holding you back! If you stick with those losers, you're gonna end up all alone."

"I'm not alone! They're my friends! Sheik, Zelda, Peach, Bowser, all of them... they helped me discover why I've been having nightmares. Lady Rose and Mel are out there defending me! I wouldn't even be like this if monsters like you weren't trying to use me as a weapon!"

"Trying? Man, you are like superbly stupid or something. Stupider than me, even. We succeeded a long time ago. You're our masterpiece. Come back to us, Ness. Embrace who you are, deep down inside."

"I think if anyone knows who I really am deep down, it'd be me... and not a mass murdering sociopath like you... you can't hurt me or my friends anymore, Porky! Now get off the telly!_ The Adventures of Pete and Pete_ is coming up next!"

"Your mistake was to think even for a second that you were safe from us. Why do you think television is called 'programming', dumdum? It's 'coz it's the ultimate form of mind control!"

At this, the channel switched to the Teletubbies, dancing in slow-motion. Only, their faces were melting into skeletons, and then ghosts, until, like the contents of several lava lamps tossed into a BlendTec blender, their family-friendly colors swirled into an eternal vortex of rainbow-splattered mush.

Dark whispers emanated from every speaker of the room's surround sound system.

"You will break those restraints and kill everyone, Nesssssss… you will destroy their minds from the inside out… and then you can join us for cake… mmmm… delicious cake…"

Ness fought against his restraints, and then fought against the side of him that was fighting against those restraints. He resorted to screaming to block out the evil voices now filling his every thought. "NO! GWAHH! No! No! Cut it out!"

"Kill them… kill them all… even the baby Pokemon…"

"I DON'T WANT TO KILL ANYTHING!" he cried.

"Too bad, numbnuts. You're our bitch now! I'm gonna beat you just like my dad beat me!"

"You don't HAVE to do this! There's no reason!"

"On the canary... we will all be doomed at this rate..."

"D-don't you mean 'contrary'?"

"Whatever. Killllll theeeeem aaaaallll..."

Ness banged his helmeted head repeatedly against the back of the couch, trying to knock himself out cold.

Just then, several things happened.

The _Blue Falcon _zoomed past the Comet Observatory with its precious cargo in tow.

Two stories below, Melville landed his Lloid Rocket and was yelling for the retreating Fighting Wireframes and Polygons to fight him.

Lubba's final act was to open up the other side of the wormhole, sending the deadly missile back towards the moon's central station.

Freed from having to hold back the _Great Fox_'s missile, Rosalina and her Lumas collaborated to form a Luma-shield to protect the Observatory's core.

Oh, and Starship Mario practically crashed through the Bedroom, took out the television completely, and mowed down half of the Observatory before splitting apart against Rosalina's shield.

The planetoid's moustache flew like a boomerang across the Observatory and sliced the Subspace Generator and half of the Fighters into bits.

Ness shut his eyes, and was practically flummoxed when Mario came a-rolling out from the wreckage a drunken mess. Painful crackling ensued as his bones worked on reforming themselves.

"M-Mario? Are you all right?"

"Th-at schwas... aaah perfect landing," Mario mumbled, slurring every syllable. "Tenouttaten!"

His motor skills completely shot, Mario flopped onto the floor before the boy and tried to stand up. He then collapsed and began to snore.

"Mario! GET UP!"

Mario Mario eventually was able to push himself up against the wall and use it as leverage to get himself at least sort of standing. He grabbed the keys to Ness' restraints and managed to toss them, rather poorly, at the kid.

As Ness began to unstrap himself (leaving on the helmet), Mario burped the opening bars of the "Bob-Omb Battlefield" theme song in between a bout of hiccups, and then pulled out his flask.

Ness gently placed his hand over Mario's flask. "I... I think you've probably had enough tonight."

"GET YOUR HANDS OFFA MY ALKIE!" Mario cried, and then bit Ness' fingers down to the bone.

"Sweet Baby Ruth! AHHHH! Fine! Have your drink!"

But before Mario could take his next swig, the Smashers witnessed Rosalina being launched towards them.

The Mother of Lumas managed to influence her aerial direction enough to land in between Mario and Ness, who caught her.

She rubbed her aching head, and took a minute to reflect on the destruction of her Interstellar space station. "My home... what happened...?"

"Mario happened," replied Ness. "You're badly hurt, Lady Rosalina. Here, have my Maxim Tomato."

Rosalina gratefully munched on the healing item. "I guess it can't be helped... I can rebuild. But that Pac-Man... he plays real dirty..."

"Rosa! Where's that other guy?"

Covering her face, Rosalina turned away from Mario's huge mouth; his breath was rotten enough to stop an army.

"Mel- um. Wow, that stinks. Melville needs our help. He's still out there. W-w-when's the last time you brushed your teeth, Mario?"

"My teeth? Huh? You mean, a-like brushing your hair?"

Ness and Rosalina exchanged horrified glances, but Mario just scratched his head.

"Seriously? What is a-this concept of teeth brushing? It is un-a-known to a-me."

_That's it! _Rosalina realized.

"Aha! Mario... your deadly breath...that might just be enough to stop Pac-Man."

"That's a bingo! Yipee!"

"But Puck doesn't have a nose," said Ness.

"Hmmm. Then maybe we can blind him with the toxic vapors," said Rosalina. "Mario, just follow my-"

Only, the plumber had disappeared. Both Ness and Rosalina looked around, to no avail.

"Mario!" Rosalina cried as she spotted him drunkenly hopping away - not to mention falling and hitting his head multiple times - on his way to challenge Pac-Man on his own.

"Yah! Woohoo! Yippee!"

_Good luck, Mario,_ thought Rosalina as she and Ness followed him down to the lower levels. She said a silent prayer to whatever Gods that were for help; hopefully they were higher-up than those Ominous Voices._ That Puck is tougher than he looks._

* * *

Luigi Mario clambered atop the exterior of the Metal Gear Ray, leaping and dodging to maintain his balance and using his Cat Suit's claws when necessary to maintain his hold on it.

He finally made it to the cockpit at the head of the beastlike manned assault weapon. Using his claws and exerting an extraordinary amount of strength, he pried the hatch open, but nothing prepared the Don for what was awaiting him.

There was no one inside. The pilot had disappeared.

Then someone tapped on Luigi's back. He spun around, only to absorb a mallet to the face. The solid hit sent him flying from the cockpit and into deep space.

But Luigi rebounded by latching onto the Ray's hind legs and clawing his way up to the creature's back.

_Did I just see what I thought I saw? Mother of mercy..._

Halfway up to the cockpit, a paper airplane came gliding down and bopped him in the nose. It then unfolded into a two-dimensional creature that bore a certain resemblance to Mario.

"Woohoo!" came the familiar voice. It was Mario, all right. Just not Mario as the Don had ever recognized him.

"Have you a-come to play, my three-dimensional brother? I've been a-so lone-a-ly without you."

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks so much for reading! If you've made it this far, I seriously appreciate it!

I was totally dreading this chapter since everyone's split up and there's so much going on, but _there will be an end to this battle_! Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy writing action scenes, but what with all the characters involved, this first arc has already taken on a life of its own. The Trip to the Moon is WAAAY longer than I originally intended it to be. As always, I'm very open to comments and any and all criticisms and suggestions! :)

What did you like or not like? How's the humor or lack thereof? Is anything getting repetitive? Anything you miss? Please feel free to let me know and hopefully I'll have more for you by this time next week!

If you're having a hard time understanding ROB ONE's rubbish, feel free to search up a "leetspeak translator".

And just in case if you found the whole "Wombo Combo" thing confusing, it's from a Competitive Melee video that exploded on YouTube way back when. It's worth checking out, unless you hate fun or something. ^^


	19. Knockin' on Heaven's Door

**A/N:** Thank you all for your patience! Very glad you guys are cool with the longer chapters. Sorry this update was a little late. As I mentioned before, IRL is kind of a drag, which may explain why this chapter leans more on the dramatic side. There's a lot of story stuff going on. Even so, hopefully y'all enjoy it! :D

**sippurp123:** Wow! That you consider this is among your favorite Smash fics means SO SO much to me! I will do my best to live up to that standard. :D If it seems like I'm being harsh on myself, it's because I'm a perfectionist who's always looking for ways to improve. It's my goal to one day be a published author. Thanks so much for your reviews as always, they really really inspire me!

**Guest:** Thanks for your review, and for reading! Hope you enjoy the update!

**Anyone:** Very glad you liked the ending to the lemon! It's a lot of fun to write Zelda/Link. But as you'll see in this chapter, they won't be the only romantic couple in this story. :)

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen**

**Knockin' on Heaven's Door**

**I. Seven Nation Army**

As King Bowser's airship approached the _Great Fox_, his bloodthirsty mood gave way to a calmer demeanor. On the surface, yes, he looked absolutely furious. But deep down, something was set in stone for him now, and it was this: whoever killed his only son and heir was going to die.

Spurred on by that finality, Bowser's mind had achieved a sort of peace.

He watched out the porthole at the flight deck as Peach smacked away several of the Mettaurs and Redeads gaining ground towards the bridge. Even after countless waves, the invaders were increasing in strength. After just two minutes in the hot seat, she was already being overwhelmed. Half of the airship's cannons were now destroyed, with the jets barely functional.

"Yoshi?" (Sir?)

Bowser turned from giving orders to his fleet to see the green dinosaur offering him a freshly brewed mug of coffee.

"Thanks," he managed, and downed it like a shot glass. "But shouldn't you be out there fighting instead of trying to suck up to the captain?"

"Yoooshi…" (Do I have to?)

Peach was knocked back hard and slammed against the outside of the captain's cabin. She stood back up and her shattered skull re-formed itself in time for her to shield against some stray laser fire.

"There's no one else, soldier! The Fit Trainers and Wario are missing, and just look at those two!"

Bowser pointed at the two primates, who were benched on the bridge's huge sectional sofa; Diddy was regenerating his fur from severe burn wounds while Kamek fed Donkey Kong some bananas.

The reluctant Yoshi swallowed his pride. He inched towards the doors to the deck, but once he felt Bowser's death glare staring down his thin and rather easy-to-strangle neck, he injected a spring into his step, swallowed, and held a shaky hand in front of the handle. Upon seeing an approaching horde of goombas, however, his fear got the best of him. He hid in an egg and tried to roll away.

"Useless!" Bowser yelled, kicking the dino aside. "It's true what they say, if you want something done…"

He pushed open the door and toasted the approaching enemies.

"Get off my airship!"

He used a drop-kick (front-smash) to send three Redeads soaring off his flagship, and watched as Peach reflected a thrown homerun bat, which knocked the thick metal shield off an approaching GEATHJERK Hoedown Tank. Bowser walked up to the deadly vehicle and, with Peach's help, smashed it to bits.

Princess Peach looked nervously to her old friend and colleague, whose fighting skills had reached a whole new fractal. He was killing effortlessly. The fire in his eyes, she noted, granted him a resemblance to a certain Captain Ahab. Only, it wasn't a white whale they were after, but a Gray Snake.

"Back inside with you," Bowser told her. "Heal up, Peach."

"But you're alone out here."

"I think these are the last of 'em," replied Bowser as he melted three approaching Like Likes.

At last, there was a short break. Kamek came out to bring out some Maxim Tomatoes to recover their percentage. The cuts on Bowser's thick skin began to heal, and Peach's bruises gradually disappeared.

There were no arenas here in space, and therefore no edge limits – if anyone flew off the ship, in all likelihood, they'd be floating in dead space for quite a while.

From a bit of a distance, Mega Man whizzed by atop the now non-deadly missile; he was engaged in close combat with Rayman as the rocket made its way towards the moon's surface.

_Thank you, Mega Man,_ thought Peach._ We'll find you before this is over._

Though her dress was torn and her face covered in oil and guts, she fought on.

"Seriously, Princess. Let me handle this for now. Just make sure we're on target. I want to face that vile human _mano a mano_."

"Are you sure? He's an assassin. Probably the sneaky type. He may not share your sentiment for hand-to-hand combat."

"If it gets hairy, then send me a Smash Ball. I'll give you the signal."

Peach nodded. "Gotcha."

As she entered the bridge, Metal Yoshi hurriedly brushed past her and joined the fray, armed with a Franklin Badge and a beam sword. A smile crossed Peach's lips upon seeing the dino do something useful for once.

She walked on over past DK, Diddy, and Kamek to the main console and prepped a Smash Ball on the item queue.

"What have we missed?" a familiar voice sounded out.

Ignoring the Toads working on mending her frayed and burned dress, Peach spun around to see Link emerging from the hallway carrying a crate of Fairy Bottles.

Zelda wasn't far behind him. The Princess of Hyrule didn't need her powers to sense the rather hostile atmosphere now engulfing the room.

"I don't know _where_ you've been, but-" Peach started.

"No. You do," said Zelda, reading her mind. "And I'm truly sorry. It seems… we've lost some good people."

The Hylian's apology was completely heartfelt. Even at her most furious and sexually frustrated, Peach couldn't bear to hold a grudge against her best friend. However, she could still act passive-aggressively towards her.

"People who didn't need to die," Peach replied bitterly. "Peppy and Slippy… they're _dead_."

"How could this be…?" Zelda replied. The depth of her empathy towards Peach's inner pain and fears had her shaking. She grabbed onto Link's arm.

"Talking about the deceased isn't going to bring 'em back," said Link, placing the crate of Fairy Bottles on the floor. "I know it's harsh, but that's war for you. We're here now. We'll do what we can."

"Argh! We could use some help out here!" Bowser boomed from the cannon deck.

"I'm on it!" Link replied. He tossed Zelda a look before heading out the door.

_Don't lose your cool, honey_, he transmitted to her._ We both know she's in the right. _

With the door closed, the atmosphere in the room was changed.

Peach dismissed her tailor Toads. She sighed and sat up against a counter. "Maybe we never should have left the Grounds. We had it easy there. We were living in peace."

"Yes, but we were living a lie."

"And just how many people are worth sacrificing to get the truth?"

Zelda crossed her arms. "Sacrifice? I'm not the one killing them! Could _you _have predicted this?"

"No, but that's beside the point. You're the one who entered Ness' mind in the first place. Your ability set these events into motion!"

It was true, all of it. "Peach, we both know I didn't mean for all this…"

But the Princess was turned away, leaning on the holographic console, clutching her crown in hand as tears erupted from her eyes.

"It doesn't matter what you meant or didn't mean! This whole mission was your responsibility, and where were you? Doing your boyfriend in the back room!"

Zelda nodded. There was no arguing with this. "You're right, Peach. I can't atone for the lives lost. But now that I'm here, all I can do is my best. Will you join me?"

She approached and offered her hands. Peach took them, and felt Zelda's pulse. It was steady and calm, like the Hylian princess always appeared to be. From the warm contact, Peach was able to slow her own racing heart.

Peach exhaled deeply. Her emotions finally having been given form, she allowed herself to calm down immensely. As far as the princess could recall, it was a rarity for her to speak her mind; usually she'd keep everything bottled in. "Th-th-thank you. I just needed to get that off my chest."

"And I'm glad you did."

_All this was never supposed to happen, _thought Peach._ I woke up this morning ready to have a lovely picnic. Now we may not even make it out of this alive._

"We may yet," Zelda replied, giving her bestie a big hug. "It's not over 'till we confront those Ominous assholes."

_Try as I might, I can't be upset at you, Zelda. That Link of yours is hawtness personified. I might well have done the same in your shoes._

"Hey, honey," Zelda said softly. "There's no need to go that far. You're right, I should have known better. Come on, let's go help Bowser."

* * *

Surprisingly, Marth was still alive. Steam evaporated from his body, indicating that he wasn't far from being knocked beyond the point of no return (he seriously doubted that the _Halberd's _usual KO limits were in play).

But Bayonetta's attacks were failing to connect. He'd been successfully keeping her at bay with careful maneuvering.

Popo was at the edge of his seat, but Dedede was caught in a dilemma.

_Fo' reals, though. Meta's prolly never defused nothin' outside of _Counter-Strike_. He needs help, but mah peeps here in danger, and dem big-headed foos be ready to fuck some shit up. What would Batman do in a sitch like this?_

_Hold up – if what Meta said earlier's true 'bout dat glass not hurtin' me none, maybe we Smashers can't die. Slippy and Peppy ain't on the roster, but we is._

"Yo, Popo, just had me an 'epiphany'. We got nuttin' to fear but them Hands makin' us braindead."

Popo wondered at this. "Well, there is the possibility of being stranded in space with no way of return."

"Nah, bro. All ya gotta do's push offa somethin' in the right direction and yo' momentum will kick ya back to the surface. Das physics, G. Anyways, I reckon we Smashers be all immortal and shit."

"I think that's already been established. Your point being?"

"Dat we oughta help Meta smoke that wack-ass roach. 'Specially since Crazy Hand 'bout to be all up in his grill."

_It's true_, Popo realized, spotting the twitching white Hand firing upon Meta-Knight with its long-range fingertip lasers.

"Fair enough. But how?"

Dedede put a hand down his throat and pulled out a jetpack, which he swallowed earlier and was saving for emergency purposes only.

"Gross, dude."

"Foo, you ain't the one wearin' it. Now climb on mah shoulders and we'll jet. Literally."

"This is a stupid idea," argued Popo.

"Nah, my plan is off the hinges. You tryin' to cramp my style?"

"I'm simply doubting your sanity. We're both really high right now."

"That's the secret. We always high. And we ain't dead yet. Da's why dis can't _not_ work."

The ice climber sighed. "I guess your double negatives make a convincing argument. Lead the way."

The penguin watched from the corner of his eye as Marth sent Bayonetta flying into her own team members. It was just the distraction they needed.

_Aight, Bruce. You best save your homeboy a good seat at the buffet table in heaven. Or hell, whatevs._

Dedede strapped on the jetpack, grabbed Popo, and shot up towards the missile.

On the lower deck, Bayonetta finally caught Marth in a cross-up. She followed up two slashes with a Wicked Weave kick.

Mirroring Cereza's launch, Marth flew across the deck of the Halberd and landed in the pile of leftover Duon parts.

"You owe me fitty coins, kid," Dedede laughed.

Popo growled. "Not yet!"

Wonder-Goggles caught the Smashers escaping. "Guys! They're getting away!"

"There's no escape from the long arm of Galactic justice!" Wonder-Red announced. "Wonderful Ones, let's make chase! UNIIIIIIIIITE GUN!"

Aside from Bayonetta, the other Wonderful Ones' CENTINEL suits formed into a giant Super Scope, which fired several bunched-up people at the missile.

Bayonetta paused to gaze up at the rising jetpack, and then turned to Marth, who'd freed himself from the wreckage. He briefly checked out what was happening and then returned to confront his opponent.

"What's this?" she asked. "You're not going to join your friends?"

"You come first, miss," Marth said in Japanese. "It would be ungentlemanly of me to leave you here alone."

"A noble to the very end. And here I thought I could bring out your wild side."

Bayonetta went for a Heel Slide, but Marth leapt over it and caught his opponent's retaliating slash in a Counter, which was followed up by a punishing Shield Breaker. The Umbran Witch spun in a mid-air corkscrew after the strike and landed several meters back.

"Well-read. So you're a scholar as well as a gentleman."

Next it was Marth's turn to move – his dash attack missed, but his forward-tilt connected. A follow-up hit never came, though – the Witch's Stiletto move took priority, and she was able to combo her opponent a number of times before he broke free and punished her with a forward smash.

From their matching steam levels, Cereza deduced that she was just as damaged as the prince.

"We've reached a stalemate," said Marth, as the two began circling one another.

"So we have."

Meanwhile, several hundred feet above the _Halberd's _deck, King Dedede tossed Popo onto the slowly approaching missile.

"What are you doing?" Meta-Knight cried, air-dodging Crazy Hand's rocket punch and landing atop the warhead.

"Liberatin' yo' ass!" yelled Dedede, who let loose a fully-charged Jet Hammer on the Hand, stunning it for a few seconds.

"Incoming!"

Meta-Knight yanked Dedede away from the shockwave as the Unite Bullet smacked into the missile.

Wonders Red, Blue, Green, Pink, Yellow, White, Black, and Goggles all emerged from the Bullet, along with Wonder-Socho and Wonder-Cheerleader.

Unable to resist, Wonder-Red opened his mouth and words came out. "Why, if it isn't one half of the Ice Climbers duo, Popo, joined by the self-proclaimed King of Dreamland-"

"Hurry!" Popo yelled. "Let's get him while he's still monologue-ing!"

One of Dedede's thrown Gordos smacked Wonder-Goggles in the face. Wonder-Blue dashed in with his sword to attack Dedede, but simply bounced off his belly.

"Dude's… too fat…" he mumbled.

"Never mind the intros!" Wonder-Red cried. "UNITE HAND! WHOA!"

Just as the ten Wonderful Ones banded together into a large red fist, the missile shook and spun at incredible speed. Crazy Hand had grabbed the tip and began swinging it around like a madman with a cricket bat.

"Swing, batter, swing!" yelled Popo, who was enjoying the ride. He stuck an anchor for his climbing rope into the missile. With the other end hooked onto his waist, he slid down for Dedede to grab a hold. The swinging rope then smashed into Meta-Knight, and then Wonder-Red's Unite Hand, which latched onto the end.

"Cut the rope!"

Meta-Knight tried to fulfill Popo's request, but it was all his tiny hands could do to hold on. Meanwhile, the ten Wonderful Ones had disbanded their Unite Form and were climbing their way up to fight them all at once.

"Fuckin' cut it!" Popo yelled.

"I'm trying, goddamnit!"

But it was to no avail; in the following second, Crazy Hand finally let go of the now very battered missile, tossing it straight back at the _Halberd _again.

Popo climbed up atop the rocket, burning himself on its jets. As his facial skin regenerated and his parka burned off, he helped Dedede up and they proceeded to smash the missile with everything they had.

However, after a deafening _BANG_, Popo grabbed at his chest – he'd just been shot (multiple times) by Wonder-Green's gun (Christine Daae). The ice climber's blood splattered all over Meta-Knight, nearly blinding him.

"Take zat, you beady-eyed minority!" Wonder-Green cackled.

At this point, the missile was about to smack right into the _Halberd's _deck. Thankfully, Meta-Knight had a plan. He slashed one of the missile's jets clean off just as it approached, sending it spinning off-course.

On the deck, Marth dodged the charging attacks of Bayonetta's Panther Within and leapt to higher ground, attempting to get closer to the missile. He bore an item under his arm.

"Pengin-san!" he yelled.

In a moment that seemed to last a lifetime, Dedede spotted Marth tossing the item at him, and ran as fast as his stubby legs could carry him across the missile in a direction opposite to its spinning. He grabbed the X-Bomb just as the nuke whirled away from the _Halberd_.

"Got it!" Dedede was happy as a crunked-out clam. "Shit, I actually caught it!"

His excitement didn't last long. Crazy Hand swooped in and poked him in the back, nearly shattering his spine. Dedede barely made it, landing near the missile's jets just as its guidance computers readjusted its course. It made a sharp turn and swooped back around for a second pass at the _Halberd._

"Dedede!" called Meta-Knight. From all the spinning, his wings were badly tangled in Popo's rope. "Gimme the X-Bomb and get Popo out of here!"

"Whu-? What about you?"

Meta-Knight absorbed a rather painful shot from Wonder-Green's gun. "I've got a plan! Hurry!"

"Naw, G! If I was Batman-"

"But you're not. _I'm _the Batman. And I'm the hero the Smashgrounds deserves, but not the one it needs. Be strong, my main man."

Dedede pulled the rope closer. "I ain't leavin' yo' ass!"

"GO!" Meta-Knight yelled, activating the X-Bomb.

"Sweet Baby Luigi!" Dedede exclaimed, quickly grabbing the bleeding Popo and performing a Super Dedede Jump off the missile to land atop the Combo Cannon. They dropped down the side of the giant artillery to hide from the impending explosion.

"What's that?" Wonder-Red asked. "It's… so bright… so vivid… could it be…"

"A double rainbow?" exclaimed Wonder-Pink.

Wonder-Blue sighed. "Naw, bros. It's an X-Bomb."

"_Merde,_" said Wonder-Green.

"It was an honor, comrades," said Wonder-Yellow.

The remaining Wonderful Ones and even Bayonetta and Marth paused to take cover as the X-Bomb activated the nuclear missile. The light of a thousand suns swallowed Meta-Knight, the CENTINEL leaders, and the missile. In one defining instant, they were no more.

"M-M-Meta…" Dedede trembled. He took off his hat as a token of respect and cried into it. He wished upon a star that his friend's theory was true, and that no Smasher could actually be killed.

"He's… still alive," said Popo weakly, pointing upwards as his chest began to heal itself.

Sure enough, the pieces of what used to be Meta-Knight reformed into a whole again, and he used his Drill Rush move to inch closer to the _Halberd_, coughing all the way.

"Man, that was intense."

"I knew you'd make it!" cried Dedede. "Nobody kills the Batman!"

And then a hundred feet away, Crazy Hand swooped in, grabbed Meta-Knight, and crushed him.

"NO!" Dedede yelled, leaping upwards to help his friend, but even his Super Dedede Jump couldn't provide the vertical distance he needed. Popo, who was riding on the penguin's shoulders, leapt off him with a footstool jump and just barely landed his grappling hook onto Crazy Hand's pinky.

"Let him go, you fuckin' bully!" Popo yelled. He clambered onto the Hand and began smashing it. Crazy Hand, however, just flicked him off, sending the Ice Climber flying off in dead space towards the planet.

"AHHHHH!"

After landing again, Dedede lost his balance and fell against the cannon a blubbering mess. _Fuck… Meta-Knight… I'm sorry, bud…_

"Popo! I'ma come get ya!"

Motivated by someone he could actually save, the King of Dreamland picked himself up and ran towards the bridge to rescue his friend.

For a brief moment he glanced sideways at the Wonderful Ones, who were rather stunned and aimless now that their International leaders had been summarily eliminated.

"What do we do now?" Wonder-Wonderland asked.

"Well, first things first, I think we should have a drink," replied Wonder-Beer, who cracked open a massive cooler. "There should be enough for all of us."

After all ninety-one remaining CENTINELS toasted, Wonder-Santa took a large gulp. "You know, I'm kind of sick of all this fighting and cosplaying."

"Me, too," said Wonder-Shopping. "Um, are any of you guys actually, like, getting paid for this?"

Everyone kind of looked at one another and shrugged.

"This is a big, stinky load of suck," Wonder-Toilet said. "Let's take the _Virgin Victory _to the surface, hop the next train, and find us a good lawyer."

"I know a guy," replied Wonder-Zombie, who pulled out his phone and dialed the Fey. and Co. Law Offices.

"Roger!" announced the Wonderful Ones in unison.

Thanks to Crazy Hand, Meta-Knight was being crushed alive past the point that his brain could process the pain. The agony was so intense that each second seemed to last an eternity.

Then something within the mysterious man's own perception snapped. The torment he was going through gave way to a feeling of complete numbness as his nervous system's regeneration, having been pushed to its absolute limit, failed completely.

_What's this? _Meta-Knight wondered. _It's like… I'm no longer in control of my body. Is this what happened to Lucario and DK? Then that means… they're still in there, somewhere… but they just can't express themselves. _

With its task now finished, Crazy Hand tossed Meta-Knight at the _Halberd_, where he smashed onto the deck a twisted mess. Try as he might, he was unable to move. His body stood on its own and paced without his consent before deciding to plop back down and just kind of sit there.

_Does that mean I'm stuck like this? _

_Shit._

_Now my ass is itchy._

_Fuckin' A. Maybe death would have been better._

_Get up! _He thought, watching Bayonetta and Marth continue their seemingly never-ending brawl.

_Ugh. It really is useless._

Meta-Knight resigned himself to watching, and caught more than a few glimpses of Bayonetta's smokin' bod.

_Well, hey. Let's look on the bright side. At least the view isn't bad._

* * *

Lugia's Aeroblast cleared the way for the three Pokemon-riders, who were now flying in a V-formation towards the moon. The _Blue Falcon _was already far ahead of the trio, making its way to the final stretch.

Now that they'd passed the debris field, a horde of Piranha Plants invaded the riders. Game and Watch's fiery smash attack, Charizard's flamethrower, and Kyogre's Ice Beam made short work of most, but one latched onto Lugia's neck and drew blood. Ike quickly slashed him off with Ragnell.

"You okay, big guy?" asked Ike, who tossed his ride a Lemonade.

"Yeah, it's cool," Lugia replied telepathically. He caught the can in his mouth, chomped on it, and then spat out the crunched aluminum.

With all the chaos, Ganon was having a hard time checking his tablet. He addressed his two new cohorts. "Hey, can you guys guard me for a second? I'm trying to figure out who else that Snake guy has on his squad."

Ganondorf tapped into the _Great Fox's _camera system on his tablet. Snake, it appeared, wasn't alone. Several other beings were stepping out of a portal that might have been a Subspace Generator, but it was tough to tell with all the static flying around. There were about ten of them, and at least two looked very familiar.

_Man, this really isn't looking good for Bowser. The question is, should we turn around and help him, or continue on and try to guard the _Blue Falcon_? Damn…_

"Bummer."

"What is it, Ganon?"

"It looks like we're facing Sophie's Choice here."

* * *

**II. I Fell In Love With A Girl**

While standing atop the bridge of the retrofitted Cornerian Assault Carrier _Great Fox _(now known as _Great Fox 2 _to avoid confusion), Solid Snake offered Dark Samus a cigarette, but the alien life-form took one long, confused look at him before turning away.

_Heh. This carbon copy is nothing like the real thing. Still, I wonder what's underneath that helmet._

"Not a very talkative one, are you?"

But Dark Samus merely shrugged and gave him a cold glare. "I'm nothing like _her_, if that's what you mean," it said in an otherworldly voice.

"Hmm?"

"Why dost thou playeth dumb, Gray?" another man asked Snake, in thick, Edo-period Japanese. "It beith common knowledge thou hath history with the wench."

Snake darted his eyes towards Takamaru, who walked up and took the cigarette.

"She isn't a wench. Have a little respect."

"Hath thou a light that I may proffer?" the katana-wielding samurai asked.

After whipping out his Zippo, Snake motioned for the samurai to lean in. As he did, though, Snake deftly yanked the cigarette back into his own hands, like a magician.

"Presto!"

"Aww, cometh thou on, man!"

"Wanna see my next trick?" Snake asked. "I'm gonna make four of my fingers disappear."

He then gave Takamaru the finger. "Try asking next time."

"I bite my thumb at thou! It is plain to see why Lady Samus dumped thy arse."

"Thinketh whatever thou wilt, Mr. Assist Trophy. It was more complicated than that."

Takamaru shook his head. "So spake every arsehole in history."

By this point, almost every other member of Snake's team was gathered watching the two. Despite Takamaru's best, Snake was able to keep his cool under pressure.

"Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? I thought the boss made this clear. We're trying to work as a team. 'Coz Pong knows _they_ sure are. If you want to discuss my past, ask me nicely next time. I get that you're entitled to some kind of tenure, being an old timer and all. But as it stands there's no reason for you to be such a dick."

"My word!"

But Takamaru had no further reply. He retreated. Snake finished his cigarette and flicked his butt off the deck of the _Great Fox 2._

"Someone go stock up on some decent items. They'll be here soon."

"Sure thing," replied Agent J. He led the Elite Beat Agents below deck to hunt for supplies.

With his binoculars, Snake could just make out Samus' gunship from a distance. As always, her piloting skills were fantastic.

_She may be among the most capable people in the Multiverse, _he thought. _Certainly she's the best woman pilot to ever grace a cockpit. _

_But once upon a time we were in love. Now she doesn't even remember that I exist._

* * *

**The Smashgrounds**

**June 12, 2006  
**

The sunlight reflecting off the boundless ocean caught Snake's tired eyes and lit them up. He took off his Ray-Bans and made his way onto the sandy private beach that dotted the Smashgrounds.

Without his sneaking suit and wearing just a pair of camo board shorts and flip-flops, David felt exposed, vulnerable. This was his second day in Smash City, and he was still very much the new guy.

A wild beach volleyball game looked like great fun. Snake recognized Peach, Samus, Zelda, and a short-haired brunette, who must have been the hanger-on Daisy, playing doubles. For a split-second, he thought he caught Samus' eye, and her smile.

_Huh. She must have been looking at someone else._

It would have been entertaining to continue watching the quartet, but Snake didn't want to come off as a total creeper.

Instead, he walked up to the Koopa Kabana (the small thatched hut one from _Mario Party 4_) and took an empty stool at the far end of the bar. The place was hoppin', with Piantas, humans, Pokemon, and Hyruleans alike mingling while DJ Wario spun out some Chromeo remixes.

"What are you drinking?" the friendly Koopa owner asked him over the music.

"Johnnie Walker Blue, if you've got it."

"Ha! There's a man who knows his whisky! It's your lucky day, my friend!" he exclaimed, and poured Snake a glass of the rare and very expensive Blue Label.

Snake carefully swirled his tumbler, gave it a nice sniff, and then drank a sip of the intense blend. Having scoped out the scene and finding little of interest, Snake turned away. The reverie of drunken partygoers only brought up a bout of sudden world-weariness.

"You seem to be enjoying that drink of yours."

It was a woman's voice, and Snake recognized it well from his mission briefing. Before he had even turned around to face the towering Samus Aran, he thought he knew what to expect, and how to play it cool. Upon seeing the Amazonian beauty clad in her sky blue string bikini top and 'skirtkini' bottom, his body temperature rose about five degrees. The first drops of an unexpected sweat leaked through Snake's headband.

"Oh, this? JW Blue Label. Some of the finest spirits in existence," he replied, his expression hopefully unreadable.

"Maybe on your planet," Samus quipped. "May I have a taste?"

"Only if I can try what you're having."

"I won't say no to that."

The two traded glasses, sort of awkwardly. Samus' drink was a fizzy green cocktail with three strawberries floating on the top.

After taking a good sip, Snake was the first to break his silence. He thought he'd caught her inspecting his ripped muscles, but Samus' face remained cool and placid.

_Just like me; she prefers to conceal her emotions, but they're itching below the surface. She also thinks she knows how to play me. Scratch that. She's convinced she already knows. Or am I simply reading too much into it?_

"Bacardi Big Apple. Some Coconut Rum, too. Huh. By chance, is that the Metroid cocktail from the Drunken Moogle website?"

The bartender was astonished. "No doubt!"

Samus blinked twice. "There's no way you guessed that so easily."

"Well, the strawberries are kind of a dead giveaway. It's a damn good mix."

It was Samus' turn to try the Blue Label. "Whew, that's rich," she replied. "What a complex flavor. Layered and intense."

As Snake finished his tumbler, he glanced from the intrigued Samus to the bartender. "Barkeep! We'll take one more glass."

"I don't always go all out for the finer things in life," he said. "But when I do, it's because I've got every option at my disposal. This is quite a paradise you guys have here."

"Sure is," she said, her expression indicating that she thought the exact opposite. "Word is you're here on a special assignment."

Snake chuckled as he poured Samus' drink. "Oh, you're referring to that old script? My boss is a real joker. Apparently, he's good friends with our director. They've wanted me to join your party for a while now."

"Well, we're very glad to have you. And I hope you enjoy your stay. Samus Aran. So-called 'Protector of the Galaxy'."

"A fitting title, I've heard. Solid Snake. But you can call me David. How long have you been working with the company?"

"Since '86, or so the legend goes."

"No kidding. I'm told my first appearance was in '87."

"Long live the eighties," Samus said with a smile.

Forgetting that she was supposed to rejoin her friends on the shore, Ms. Aran fell into a spirited discussion with her new friend about the bygone era, and what they remembered of their glory days in the nineties. When the sun began declining and the cabana had filled up with more folks just getting off work, Snake decided it was time to take things outside.

"Now, don't read this the wrong way, but would you be interested in taking a long walk on the beach with me?"

Having let her guard down, at the prospect of being alone with this dangerously charming guy, Samus now found it back up. She used the time it took to finish her drink to come up with an appropriate rejection, and then suddenly discarded it in favor of a more adventurous response.

"Only if you promise you'll tranquilize me and steal me away from this place. I'm so jealous of you. It's been my lifelong dream to visit Earth, back in its golden days."

"Golden days they're not," Snake replied. He gave the bartender a generous tip. The Koopa tossed him a knowing smile as the two walked out the door. "Anyway, my haunt isn't even really Earth. It's just a virtual representation."

Samus laughed, and looked beyond at the rising moon. "It doesn't matter. It's as close as I'd ever get, anyway. I hear most Earth kids dream of going into space. But it's like an eternal night out there. Dark and full of terrors."

"Hey, you never know. Maybe you'll get to visit sometime. But trust me, Samus, this place is way better."

As they walked out by the shore, they passed dozens of couples, but Samus didn't mind being seen so close to him.

_She doesn't seem like she cares much about what others think, _Snake realized. _You're a loner, Samus, marching to the beat of your own drummer. The journey your creators put you through was a tough one. You've lost your parents, both real and surrogate. And probably more than a few friends have died along the way._

Samus picked up a beached Staryu and tossed it like a discus out into the big blue. It skipped along the water and landed at least three hundred feet away.

_But you're also a survivor. There's a side of you that's welcome to new experiences. What is it you're searching for? Is it a quest to fill the hole in your heart, an aching for a real connection?_

"You ever hear that story about the old man and the shore full of beached starfish?" Snake asked.

"I think so," said Samus. "There's an old man at dawn who's tossing starfish back into the sea. A kid goes up and tells him that the noontime sun will bake them all alive, so there's no way he can make a difference. But the old man just picks up another starfish and replies…"

"I made a difference to that one," they said together.

The smile that Samus gave him was held a little too long for her comfort. She turned away and took in a deep breath.

"Let's go find Peach and the others; I'd like to introduce you."

_But all that backstory of yours... it's all part of the script. It's as much of a role to you as it is the only reality you know. So you're a little afraid of yourself, maybe even unaware what you're fully capable of if you cut loose. I can tell that it'll be a while before you lower those barriers for anyone. _

_That's perfectly fine with me. I'm supposed to be here for some time. I can play the long game._

As they walked back, the sun was on the verge of setting, staining the sky a deep purple. Wave Racers splashed one another in jest, doing insane tricks off of the incoming waves. The Laughing Dog from Duck Hunt ambushed a Wingull, then killed and ate it.

Smoke on the water ensued as Olimar and a few of the new guys burned an effigy of Master Chief and began to dance around in a circle, chanting. Another newcomer, Lucario, was putting the moves on a rather forthcoming Jynx. Nana and Popo were making out by the fire. Just offshore, The Pokemon Trainer was training his Squirtle against some random Goldeen.

Despite the random acts of violence, the atmosphere was incredibly calm and blissful. Snake knew this would be a night he'd never forget.

Samus returned with Peach, Daisy, and Zelda, who all gave him the impression that they were equally fascinated by his legend and intimidated by his reputation. Daisy was straightforward and tomboyish, a real loudmouth. Peach and Zelda, on the other hand, appeared to be soul sisters, trading knowing looks and inside jokes.

The group soon joined up with Link and Ike, who were both drunk and recounting funny stories. Snake politely listened in on their reverie, mostly quietly. He wasn't really one for these large gatherings. Karaoke was next on the list, and they joined the Mario brothers at the outdoor club by the beach.

During one of Snake's smoke breaks, a somewhat tipsy Mario stumbled up to the soldier of fortune and elbowed his ribs playfully. He was carrying two shots of Jagermeister and handed one to Snake.

"Y'know… We're a-so happy you're a-finally here."

"Uh, thanks."

"No, my friend! I don't think a-you understand!" he exclaimed. "When a-we announced you, the Interwebs, they went a-wild! This is a whole new world for us! Yipee!"

Mario raised his glass to toast Snake and nearly spilled all of it. He then tossed his glass into the sand, where it did not break.

"You know what nobody a-cares about? High-Defornication. Defcon. Deforestation. Do you know what percent of house-a-holds have HDTVs? It's a-tiny! Tinier than a-my flaccid penis! Not the erect one, mind."

"My stockbroker says that's going to change pretty soon," Snake replied. "There's a big push by the big electronics manufacturers to make more affordable models."

"Ah, it doesn't matter! Graphics, they are, a-how you say… transient. The tech-a-nology, it only gets in the way. Bigger budgets mean smaller risks. Less innovation. Less market ex-a-pansion. Over time, the market will become over-saturated with a-sequels! This_ Call of Booty_ business, it's a fad, you see? What a-happens when these blockbusters start to flop? Layoffs! Studio closures! Acquisitions! Our strategy's the opposite of a-that! Blue ocean! The plan is a-to grow the gaming community beyond the fanboys. We are a-gonna be on top, baby! The lines… at E3… everyone wanted to try the Wii. Oh, how I wish I could-a have been there…"

"Yeah, about that name. I don't think it's a good idea. Why not just call it the Nintendo MC, for motion controls? Or the Nintendo Extreme, which could abbreviate to NEXT? I mean, at least in British English, Wii can also be in reference to, well…"

"Dicks, I know." Mario lowered his voice. "Honestly, I have a-no idea who came up with it. But Iwata-san, he's a… a stubborn guy. I a-tried to make a-them listen to reason. There's a-nothing we can do now. The name may be stupid, but our a-philosophy has never been stronger. Make quality games. Expand the definition of gaming. Never stop experimenting."

_So he's in the know with the top dogs, _Snake realized. _Or at least, he's buying their stories. How could he not, though? He's the big star on and off the stage, and with all the sequels he's involved in, day-in and day-out, their corporate mission statements are all he has to hold on to. But there's something sincere about him, like he really wants to convince himself that Nintendo's a force that can change the world for the better. To that point, I admire his resolve._

"Mario!" Peach exclaimed, running in to grab him before he fell over. "Honey, let's get you to your room."

"Yeah! Bring on the drinks!"

"No, I mean, your bedroom. You trashed our VIP lounge and humiliated those go-go dancers."

"Those a-booties were asking for a cape-lashing! You can't a-send me back! I practically own this place!"

"No," she said firmly. "That's your last drink!"

"Not a chance!" he laughed, and rubbed his face in her breasts before stealing her mojito and downing it. "Woohoo!"

Peach groaned and pulled at her hair. She motioned to a couple of her black-suited, sunglasses-wearing Toads. "Keep an eye on him. No more drinks."

"Sorry if he was bothering you," Peach said to Snake as she and the Toads escorted Mario back into the club.

"Not at all."

As the doors opened, Snake caught a glimpse of the outdoor dance floor in the midst of the sand and palm trees. It sure looked like everyone was having fun. That is, everyone who wasn't him. And for the third time that night, as if there were a cosmic magnet between them, Samus Aran caught his eyes on her from the middle of the floor.

Snake put out his cigarette and decided to head back to his quarters before she could approach, but the nimble woman caught up with him just outside a delicious shawarma shack.

"Hold it right there, mister," she said teasingly, and walked up to just a few feet in front of Snake. She was rather drunk. "Where do you think you're going?"

"I was going to call it a night," replied Snake.

"But the party's just begun!"

"Yeah, I… uh, don't really do raves. The strobe lights resemble flashbang blasts. It ain't pleasant."

"Come on! Live a little!"

"Maybe another time. I'm very glad I met you, Samus. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Oh, okay," she replied, definitely a little sadder. "I, uh, guess I'll see you around."

With that, she turned to head back in the fray, and then looked back to check whether Snake's eyes were on her. He'd been caught again, and Samus laughed.

"So are you really the legendary Snake, or some cheap imposter? 'Coz I've caught you checking me out three times today."

Snake turned crimson, but didn't avert his eyes. "Who's to say I didn't mean for you to catch me? I've never looked away."

"Nice save," she replied. She took off her flip-flops and drew shapes in the sand with her toes. "But there's nothing to fear, David. You're in good hands. Our bosses _want _us to be happy."

"I know. It's not them, or you. It's me."

"Do I intimidate you?"

"Quite the opposite. I don't want to scare you away."

"That won't be easy. Try me."

"For starters, I'm a killer."

"So am I. I've ended entire species."

"I'm also a dangerous person to be associated with. People close to me have been put in harm's way."

"You do know that's the most intriguing thing you could have possibly said. Tell me more."

"Another time. Go on, Samus, enjoy yourself."

Samus pouted, but Snake was clearly nearing his limit. "You win tonight, David. But I'm gonna squeeze the truth out of you if it's the last thing I do!"

And then she whirled on her heels and waved goodbye, walking back into the club while simultaneously cementing her place in Snake's hardened heart.

* * *

Before Snake could finish the rest of his sequence of flashbacks, however, he was rudely interrupted by a stray cannon from Toon Link's Pirate Ship, which smashed into the guard railing not twenty feet from him.

The Chorus Kids screamed and leapt away in terror.

Snake looked up at the scene: the Pirate Ship was chasing the _Virgin Victory _across space. The _Victory_, with a large Unite Morph standing atop it at the helm, boosted back towards the planet, heading away from the battle.

"Wonder-Red, do you copy?" Snake called over his codec. "Wonder-Red?"

_Shit._

"Red's dead," said a rather distressed Commander Lawrence Nelson from the bridge of the _Virgin Victory. _"And we're next if we don't get out of here. I've disappointed him, and his father... I've let down the whole human race."

"Take heart, Commander. You've fought well," the Ominous Voice said telepathically. "There was nothing you could have done for Mr. Wedgewood or his friends. Rest knowing that the battle data from the encounter has proved most useful to the cause."

* * *

"Hey, you know what really pissed me off about that new Hobbit movie?" said Tails, who had just finished one of Tingle's marijuana brownies while helming the rented airship through the debris field.

Sonic rolled his eyes. "That Tauriel doesn't have a shower scene?"

"No. It's that Smaug calls Thorin 'Oakenshield'. That's a load of bullshit right there."

"But everyone calls him that!" Amy said.

Tails shook his head. "No, no, no. Thorin got the name 'Oakenshield' from the Battle of Azanulbizar, the final battle of the Great Dwarf-Orc War, at the Gates to Moria."

"And?" queried Sonic.

"And that's where he cut off Azog's arm! C'mon folks. That was, like, decades _after_ Smaug took over Erebor and basically started hibernating there. So how would Smaug know about his 'Oakenshield' title?"

Sonic played Devil's advocate. "Maybe Smaug got word from that thrush who's giving him messages in Dragon Morse code. Perhaps he ate an orc or a human who had knowledge of Thorin's exploits, and interrogated 'em beforehand. Then there's that scene where Smaug tells Bilbo that the world's gonna be covered in darkness, which means he at least knows _something_ of Sauron's plans. I mean, there are ways, dude. It was a full one hundred and fifty years between that battle and the Quest for Erebor."

"Even so, do you really think a thrush would be privy to that kind of information, let alone know to tell Smaug? Moreover, do you really think a fear-inducing, fire-breathing dragon has networking skills?" Tails said. "All I'm saying is that Smaug knew Thorin _before _he was known as Oakenshield. He wouldn't even call him by that name, he'd refer to him as a descendant of Thror! The whole idea is stupid as far as I'm concerned. It's an unexplained thread."

"It doesn't need to be explained, man. Like I said, that dragon's network-"

"What network? _Giant-ass Dragons Anonymous_?"

"Hey, shut up, you two," Shadow said as the airship flew past a debris field. "I thought I heard some screaming. What's that up ahead?"

Kirby looked up from his _One Piece_ manga to see a blonde girl flailing her arms. "It looks like one of Pikachu's groupies! Let's pick her up!"

Tails swung the ship around and they snatched up the poor woman. She was shivering and weak, which Shadow remedied with his powers... by putting a blanket over her.

"Whew! Gawd, you guys, like, totally saved me! I am super in your debt!"

"What happened to you?" Kirby asked.

"Oh, that Falcon guy's ship got, like, totally shredded. And Meowth was all butthurt just 'coz I asked him if he had any Sugar Ray CDs. He tossed me overboard."

Sonic's eyes lit up in a fury. "Wait, you like Sugar Ray?"

The blonde cowered in fear. "No! No! I was lying. Please… I can change. Have mercy…"

"She's dead weight," said Amy. "I say we leave her."

"Quiet," Knuckles said, holding up his giant hand. "You know… I've always wanted a groupie. What is it you do, exactly?"

"I'm good at pleasing men. Also, I know pro-level things about Pokemon," she said. "And I make excellent pasta. Did I mention I can also do sex?"

"Hmmm. What's your name?" Knuckles asked.

"Pauline."

"Very well, Pauline," he said, patting her on the head. "You gon' be my groupie now."

Tears of joy welled up in her eyes. "Yay!"

She pulled off her blonde wig and let down her long brown hair, which was tied up behind her head.

"Wait, you're a brunette?"

"Yeah. Is that… bad?"

"No, just surprising. So, um, how does this work? Do I pay you, or…?"

She ran up and glomped Knuckles, hard. "No, honey. You've just gotta give me drugs and booze, not to mention protect me from the horrors of this world. Ooh, and you get to beat up Donkey Kong whenever he kidnaps me."

"Heh," Knuckles said. "I like this already. Donkeys are stupid."

* * *

"Yes! Yes! Knock me out with your pounding!" Palutena cried. "Finish me off!"

Little Mac exploded all up in Palutena's pussy, which drank up his gushing come like it was dying of thirst.

"Wow! My head's spinnin'... that was fuckin' intense," said Mac. "Haven't... seen stars like that... since I last destroyed Mr. Macho Man. Your pussy truly is a wellspring of light, m'lady."

"And you've got fantastic technique," she told the boxer in between the shivers from her own orgasm. "With the way you hit my g-spot... you're, like, living proof that size doesn't matter. A hundred percent world champion material."

_Doc would be so proud if he could see me now, _Mac thought with a grin.

Meanwhile, Pit's head was pretty badly bruised from banging against the top of Captain Falcon's cockpit as the Captain dodged lightning spears and bolts emerging from the moon's defense systems.

"Almost there..." Captain Falcon said, pivoting the jets and lining up the Blue Falcon with the optimal flight path angle for re-entry. They were now in orbit around the moon, circling it in a rapid descent.

Just a few hundred feet below them, the moon's pulsing plasma shield coated the surface. The Captain hoped against hope that his parachutes were working; otherwise, this was sure to be a hard landing.

"Hey, Miss Goddess, what shall I call you now?"

"Ahh! Call me Lady Stardust!"

"Right on! Lady Stardust, we're going to need you to activate Pit's 'Power of Flight' so he can launch and unleash those Pokemon on the shield generators. Y'all better hurry, 'coz in a few passes, if that shield ain't down, we're all toast!"

Palutena unzipped her submissive angel's leather suit, letting his wings flap freely. "Are you gripping your balls, O Pokemon master?"

Pit flipped his baseball cap backwards and tightened his messenger bag filled to the brim with Pokeballs, including those of Pikachu, Greninja, Lucario, Jiggz, et. al. "Balls are primed and ready to fire! Let's rock and roll!"

"Hold on tight," Palutena said, and then kissed Little Mac, Captain Falcon, and finally, Pit, whose lip she bit, hard enough to draw blood.

"Ow!"

"If you don't return, Pitty Pie, then consider this farewell."

"Sheesh. Thanks for the vote of confidence," Pit said, and then added, "milady."

"You strapped up, Mac?" Cap asked, making final adjustments to their course.

"You betcha. I'm also covered in semen and vaginal fluids, and my dick is throbbing from excessive chafin-"

"WOW! UM. I could have gone my whole life without hearing that," he said as the _Blue Falcon _lined up with one of the generators. "Okay, cockpit opening in three... two... one... EJECT!"

Pit, Palutena, and the Dratini under Captain Falcon's seat were all launched out into space. Palutena brought out her staff. It caught the sunlight and reflected it onto Pit.

"I grant you the Power of Flight!"

The _Blue Falcon _started blasting Snap's "I've Got the Power", to which headbanging ensued.

"Thank you, Lady Stardust! Wow! AUUGHHH! It hurts!"

Pit cried aloud as his wings grew to several times their wingspan. A glowing light surrounded him and he felt a surge of energy coursing through his veins, as if he had just guzzled a double espresso after snorting eight lines of high-grade cocaine.

"I don't want to pilot EVA anymore! Why don't you love me, father?! NO! I mustn't run away! I CAN SAVE THE WORLD! GWAAAAAHHHH!"

"What's he sayin'?" Little Mac asked.

"Maybe he's finally discovered his inner badass," Captain Falcon hypothesized. "Or not," he said as Pit tore a big chunk of his own hair out and began crying rainbow tears.

The angel launched far from the _Blue Falcon, _burst in between the plasma shield, and soared quickly, engaging in a lower orbit towards the moon's surface.

Palutena blew Pit a kiss, and then set herself down atop the _Blue Falcon_, where she held on for dear life. "Good luck, m'boy."

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for reading! Wow, this was a tough chapter to write. I'm aiming to have the next one ready less than a week from now, since I'm out of town for a week starting next Wednesday. As always, I am very appreciative of any reviews and feedback! And don't forget to fave and follow if you haven't already! Have a great week, everyone! :D


	20. The Good That Won't Come Out

**A/N: **Thank you all for your patience! So I'm posting this chapter from the other side of the country! I'm loving the East Coast so far. Hope you all like this one, it introduces some pretty random elements. I also tried to make it more humorous than the last one. :3

**DISCLAIMER: **This is a work of fiction. All characters in this story, including those based off of real people, are not in any way meant to be taken as attempts to accurately represent such people. The portrayal of Nintendo is also based upon a fiction. I intend no libel or defamation to anyone, living or dead.

**sippurp123:** Heya! Thanks for your review again! :D Glad you enjoyed that Meta Knight scene! Ever since the Subspace Emissary, I always thought Samus and Snake would be a great couple. But since it's speculated that Snake may not return for Smash 4 (personally, I *really* hope he returns), I figured their history would have to be explored via flashback. And it's going to play out over this chapter and the next one.

**Anyone:** Thank you for your review! It makes me very happy that you find the story so addicting! Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Twenty**

**The Good That Won't Come Out**

**I. Sympathy For the Devil  
**

**May 29, 1992  
7:55 AM**

**Nintendo Headquarters Main Building  
Kyoto, Japan**

The early morning clouds over Kyoto were just starting to part. One of HAL Laboratories' top programmers drove up to the guard hut. President Yamauchi's former yakuza-turned-security dude took a moment to recognize the developer.

"Ah, you must be new," our protagonist observed, seeing the guy's facial tattoo. He flashed his badge.

On it was the very picture of seriousness: a deep-voiced young man named Masahiro Sakurai.

"Welcome, sir."

With that behind him, Sakurai parked his company Nissan, walked through the front doors in a bit of a daze, and took the stairs to the EAD offices.

The day before, shortly after checking into his hotel in Kyoto for that afternoon's company meeting, he'd received a courier-delivered message from Satoru Iwata, asking him to come into headquarters quietly the next day at eight in the morning to a discreet meeting in Mr. Miyamoto's office.

_Could this be about sales numbers for Kirby's Dream Land? _He wondered, thinking back to the Game Boy title he'd just painstakingly directed. It had released a month ago, and while early rumors suggested that it was performing well at retail, they were just that: rumors. Plus, there was no guarantee that the new mascot would save Hal Laboratories.

_That theory has more holes than a blow-up doll. If that was the case, there'd be no need for such secrecy. And to meet in Mr. Miyamoto's office, of all places…_

Sakurai's head was filled with wonder at this request. Thanks to the nationwide financial crisis only worsening, HAL Labs was in dire straits. _Am I being called in for a reprimand? Please, don't let this be the end of my career._

He knocked on the door, which was opened in seconds. Masahiro was confronted by the impetuous smile of the then- Nintendo Entertainment Analysis and Development Section Head.

"Mr. Sakurai! Right on the dot," Miyamoto beamed.

"Good morning, Mr. Miyamoto," Sakurai replied with a polite bow, and then noticed the other two legends standing in the room, completing the trifecta of the company's top geniuses. "Ah, Mr. Iwata. Mr. Yokoi. I didn't realize this was a meeting of such importance."

Within Miyamoto's office sat Gunpei Yokoi, creator of the d-pad and Game Boy, who was currently racing then- recently appointed HAL Laboratories President Satoru Iwata in _Super Mario Kart_. Both greeted him 'good morning' in response, but neither looked up from the screen, and Miyamoto ushered Sakurai forward to check out the upcoming title.

"This will sell like gangbusters," Mr. Iwata observed as he overtook Mr. Yokoi in Mario Circuit 3. "The drifting physics feel cleaner than the last build. You've distilled the game's essence to a solid core."

"Thank you. Mr. Sugiyama is still working hard on it. We still haven't gotten the colors perfect," Mr. Miyamoto replied, his graphic designer background showing. "But it's going to be a huge hit. If only we could support up to four players… we could sell even more of the multi-taps."

"It's cool. Two players is already a huge step up from _F-Zero_," said Mr. Yokoi. "At the current rate of hardware acceleration, we'll have four in the near future, easy."

But Miyamoto had walked up to his window. "Ah, the near future," he thought wistfully, and lamented what must have been tens of thousands of suicides since the market crash in February. "It can only go up from here."

"Don't tempt fate," Iwata laughed as Yokoi overtook him at the last second, winning the race. "As I've just found, she is a cruel mistress."

Iwata had reason to be a little pessimistic – Nintendo's CEO, the unscrupulous Hiroshi Yamauchi, had just saved Hal Laboratories from the brink of bankruptcy, on two conditions: (1) that Iwata himself become the company's president, and (2) that the company repay its debts of 1.5 Billion Yen. As a humble game designer now in charge of his own studio, Iwata felt the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"Care to guess why we called you here, Mr. Sakurai?" Miyamoto asked.

Sakurai shook his head. "Not a clue, sir."

"I see. Mr. Iwata has insisted that you are one of our top talents. He's told me time and again how strongly you believe in great, solid, simple game design. Exacting, those were the words. Willing to work through any adversity. But nothing will prepare you for what you're about to see. So, if you please, we will need you to sign this."

Miyamoto slid over the short stack of papers.

Flanked by his employer on one side and Miyamoto's mentor on the other, Sakurai looked down at the forms. It was a simple non-disclosure agreement, stating that he would agree to never discuss what he was about to see behind these closed doors. Misters Iwata, Yokoi, and even Miyamoto himself had all signed it. After scanning the text as best he could for any hidden legalese, Sakurai followed suit.

"Alrighty then," said Miyamoto, and punched in a long, ten-digit code on his telephone.

A portion of the wall-to-wall shelf housing Miyamoto's workplace LPs and books began sliding open, foreshadowingly. What awaited them was a small but tricked-out server room, within which two CRT monitors were set up, with cheap speakers and a primitive 128 x 128 pixel camera set atop it.

"I had the most wonderful dream last night," Miyamoto said to Sakurai. "I find that the best ones come to me when I'm up for twenty hours straight working furiously on a project, and only have two hours to nap. My brain wants to convince myself to stay in that other world, so my imagination works overtime. I believe it's important for us creative types to always remain in a state of mind that allows us to be open to anything. Especially when the unexpected happens."

Miyamoto turned on both monitors. On the larger screen appeared the sprite of Mario from _Super Mario World_. He was sitting at a dinner table, eating some pasta. In the foreground, a keyboard and mouse could be seen, as if the four men were looking at Mario through a monitor of his own.

Sakurai was confused. "Is this a new game?"

"Just watch," Miyamoto said, his grin growing from ear to ear as he picked up a keyboard and began to type into a DOS prompt that appeared on the smaller monitor.

"How are you doing today, Mario?"

A notification sound appeared within Mario's house. The Italian plumber stood from his meal, walked over towards the screen, and took a seat by a computer of his own.

His chirpy 16-bit voice erupted from the speakers. "Very well, thanks. To whom am I speaking?"

"It's Shiggy."

"Papa!" Mario exclaimed. "It's been sixteen hours and a-twenty-five minutes since a-we've talked. I have a-been missing you!"

Shigeru continued to type into the console. "Mario, there's someone I'd like to introduce you to. Would you like to see our camera feed?"

"Of course, Papa!"

"We're still trying to figure out how to patch our sound in," Iwata explained, ushering Sakurai in front of the camera. "Here, come closer."

Still not sure what kind of game he was seeing, Sakurai leaned in towards the camera. Miyamoto offered him the keyboard.

"Say 'hello'," Yokoi said to Sakurai, himself rather giddy. "Tell him your name."

"Hello," Sakurai typed into the prompt, and waved. "My name is Masahiro Sakurai."

The pixilated Mario waved back. "Very glad to meet you, Mr. Sakurai!"

"I see. So it's a text-based game. The Americans will love it. What should I say now?" Sakurai asked. "Is it similar to _Dungeon_, or _Zork_?"

"It's not a game, man!" Miyamoto said, laughing. "That's fucking Mario, for real!"

"I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand," responded Sakurai, and then looked to the others.

_This has to be some kind of joke, _he thought. _But Mr. Iwata and Mr. Yokoi aren't laughing._

"Observe," Miyamoto said. He then hijacked the keyboard. "Mario, what did you do yesterday?"

"You remember, Papa! We a-tested out a new track in that a-kart-racing game, and then a-you went to a meeting. Oh, then I read some of 'The Girl Who Leapt a-Through Time'. It was fun!"

"I'm very glad you are reading!"

"Me too! But in the book, the girl, she got a-lonely. Then I got a-lonely. I realized, this is probably what empathy means. Then Mr. Yokoi brought me over to try out _Super Mario Land 2_. Papa, I think it's funny that I look even fatter in that game! Aren't I fat enough as it is? Maybe you could make a-me look all handsome, like a-that girly-boy, Link."

Miyamoto laughed out loud and slapped his knee before turning to the others. "Look at this guy! A natural comedian! Mr. Iwata, do you think can we program in some alcohol? It would be adorable to see him drunk!"

Yokoi coughed to shush his mentee. "Not so loud! The code monkeys across the wall will hear us!"

"Sorry, sorry," Miyamoto replied, and slowly regained his composure. He returned to the keyboard. "And what did you eat for dinner, Mario?"

"A mushroom burger!"

"Did you like it?"

"Very much, Papa! Oh, that's right! I wanted to show you what I made for you! It's a surprise. Close your eyes and count to five."

Miyamoto shut his eyes, excitedly.

"One… two… five."

When he opened them, it was to see an intricate _Mario Paint _spread; a pixilated Miyamoto was hugging Mario tightly. Shigeru had his trademark smile, while Mario looked absolutely contented in his father's arms.

Tears ran down the face of Mario's creator. This was among the happiest moments of his life. "Mario… that's… beautiful."

"I love a-you so much, Papa!"

This went on for a little while longer, but Sakurai was so dazed at this point that he could barely process anything. Noting that one of his top programmers was looking rather light-headed, Iwata took him back to Miyamoto's office and carefully sat him down in the leather chair.

"Wait, I'm going to need a drink," Sakurai said and made to stand up, but Mr. Yokoi held him down by the shoulders.

"Let him pour," Yokoi said with a wink and a pat on his shoulder. "Your hands are shaking, kid."

Sakurai downed the offered Suntory whisky in a single shot.

_If only Sonic were there,_ the author realized, _he'd attempt his best Bill Murray impression and say, "For good times... make it Suntory time."_

Iwata offered his good friend a second glass.

"It isn't possible," Sakurai said, after racking his brain. "We don't have… there's no way! Those sprites, the programming… who created it?"

"Technically speaking, no one did. He's an emergent phenomenon," Iwata began, but before he could continue, he looked up in terror at the porthole in the glass door beyond Yokoi and Sakurai.

"Oh, fuck. Don't look now, but it's the big boss. Mr. Miyamoto, hurry up! Sakurai, pretend we're here to congratulate you on _Kirby _selling like gangbusters."

Shigeru dashed back into his office and closed the hidden entrance with nary a second to spare. Boasting all the grace and elegance of a swaggering Triad boss, Nintendo CEO Hiroshi Yamauchi burst through the door as if he was crashing a party.

"Whassup, underlings? What're ya tryin' to hide from yer boss, eh?"

"N-n-nothing, sir," said Yokoi, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Just discussing our newest kart racer."

* * *

**The Digital Realm**

**2014**

Paper Mario's Ground Pound denied Don Luigi his approach to the bridge.

After the tech, Luigi's boots slid back while trying to keep his footing on the aerodynamic Metal Gear Ray, something that his constantly hopping, wafer-thin opponent had no trouble with.

"It's a-incredible, Don Luigi," said Paper Mario. "You never fail to end up fighting for a-the wrong side... and losing."

The Don's fireballs were dodged easily by the combatant shifting between planes.

"I sure wish I knew what a-the fuck you're talking about."

The 2D fighter summoned a friendly Koopa, whose shell spun rapidly. He jumped atop it and sent his friend zooming towards Luigi.

"It doesn't matter," Paper Mario insisted. "You'll a-just refuse us anyway."

Luigi leapt onto the shell, which went flying back to Paper Mario. They played a bit of Koopa-volleyball, with the shell's speed increasing at every turnover. After Luigi finally knocked his brother's doppelganger off his feet, he followed up with a dash attack, then a down-throw into an up-tilt, then an aerial juggle that was finished off by a sweet-spotted Super Jump Punch.

As the Don landed, he noticed that they were headed towards Toon Link's Pirate Ship.

"So you want a-my help?" asked Luigi. "Well, what's in it for a-me?"

"Your memories. We've already given you all you could ever want," said Paper Mario. "You've had a-your year in the sunshine. Technically, a year and a half. All we want is a little cooperation, and then there'll be no more mysteries."

"I can't trust you."

"Then you can die in ignorance, just like the others!"

Luigi bounced off of Koopers' shell and charged up his Green Missile. "I am the Don of the Smashgrounds! I will not be denied by a flat-footed, flat-chested, flat-headed flattie!"

"I am a leaf on the wind," Paper Mario told himself, and his paper airplane form flew above Luigi's rocketing attack and landed back in the cockpit of the Metal Gear.

"Oh, no," said Luigi.

"This is a-your captain speaking," said Paper Mario. "Looks a-like we're in for some sweet, sweet turbulence."

* * *

Bowser's main cannon deck had just been cleared again. In between waves, Bowser turned to Link as they approached the _Great Fox 2._ The bridge had just received the grim news about Meta-Knight, and everyone was rather on edge.

"Link… there's somethin' I have to ask of you."

"Anything, O Captain my Captain."

"Without question, this is some sort of trap. If I don't make it out of this… I want you to lead the army. Take control of this whole operation."

"Me? For reals?"

"I know what you're gonna say. You don't think you have the qualifications or experience. You're not leadership material. But don't believe in yourself, man. Believe in me! Believe in the Bowser that believes in you!"

"Uh, thanks, sir. But I wasn't gonna say any of that. Bein' a Sky Admiral is fuckin' sweet! I'ma wreck some asses!"

Bowser blinked, unsure if he'd picked the right guy. _Perhaps Zelda would have been better._

"I'm just kidding, by the way," Link laughed, and then straightened his face and patted the Koopa King on the rim of his spiky shell. "You're not goin' anywhere on my watch. If I get knocked down, then I'll get up again. They're never gonna get me down. But if it comes to the worst, you can trust I'll lead with all my heart. I'll manage these disparate draft-dodgers, hard and true. And you'll be lookin' down at me from Koopa Heaven saying, 'that'll do, Link, that'll do'."

Despite Link's best attempts, Bowser was uneasy about being reassured. "You have an inappropriately stupid sense of humor, has anyone ever told you that?"

"Oh, I get it from Zelda all the time. She just loves to yap about my shortcomings," he said, miming a sock puppet. He then looked around in mock-terror. Thankfully, the princesses were taking Titanic-ish selfies on the ship's bow.

Bowser stroked his chin as he shared Link's view. "Heh. Speaking of which… just now, were you two…"

The Hylian scratched the back of his head. "Ah, yeah. Sorry 'bout that. I'm aware that we lost a good portion of our fleet."

"To be honest, I don't think there's much you guys could have done. Most of the destruction was done by one Giant Robo. Just tell me all about the good stuff if we ever make it through this," said Bowser, cracking his knuckles. "We're almost there."

* * *

Aboard one of two _Great Fox 2 _missiles now on a collision course with the freaky moon, Mega Man tried and failed miserably to break away from his equally freaky-looking opponent, whose lack of limbs made him tough to grab, and a total nightmare to hit with any sort of ranged attacks.

_Enough playing at being a mental health counselor. I'd better jet before we get sucked into the atmosphere, even if it means getting dirty. No, not that dirty. But certainly dirtier than I'm used to._

Mega Man pointed behind Rayman, whose decidedly less friendly split-personality was currently beating him senselessly. "Hey Limbless, look over there!"

Rayman head-butted Mega Man again, which hurt his fleshy skull more than it did the android's metal one. "How about nooooo?"

"Oh, you don't wanna miss it, dude," the Blue Bomber insisted, putting on his most convincing 'awestruck Spielberg reaction shot' face. "It's hilarious! A must-see."

Rayman spun his head around 360 degrees in a quarter-second. "Ah, you mean that giant plasma barrier?"

"Nooo!" Mega Man bluffed. "I'm talking about that shit-eating, cross-dressin' Birdo that's flyin' by on a meteorite! No, I'm dead serious! Look at that fucker!"

But Rayman was not amused. "Do you take me for a fool? I can't wait until that plasma shield burns you alive! Muahahahaha."

"Ya mean, burns _us _alive," argued Mega Man, twisting his way out of Rayman's hold and equipping a Leaf Shield.

"NO U!" Rayman exclaimed.

Mega Man tried to appeal to whatever reason this Gollum side of Rayman's personality possessed. "Uh, do you really not see the problem here, guy? You's gonna get just as dead as me. Guarantee it."

"Nah, don't think so," Rayman said. "We intend to survive that shit. See how it pulses? I'll simply dash through when it isn't active. Wait. No, no, I'm not gonna tell you that, because that would be stupid. Phew, that was close. Yeah. You're dead meat, Salaryman."

"How is it that no one can get my name right?" Mega Man replied, but he was unable to hide his smirking. He fired the Leaf Shield at Rayman, who used his helicopter hair to dash over it and toss rapid-firing fists at the Bomber.

Mega Man dodged these fists and started luring Rayman towards the middle of the missile with his most basic Mega Buster. With careful zoning, he was able to put Rayman between himself and the rapidly-closing plasma shield.

As the only one with perfect visibility of the situation, Mega Man seized his opportune moment and dashed across the missile at the exact time, bursting through the field while it was inactive. However, Rayman's long-ranged grab interrupted his run, and the pulsing shield fried both men with a hundred thousand volts, turning them into mere husks of their original selves.

Being made mostly of metal parts, Mega Man short-circuited. Rayman, on the other hand, was shocked so thoroughly that he passed out. Both combatants tumbled like ragdolls as the disarmed missile was carved in half by the shield, leaving a sea of debris falling over the unconscious duo.

The bits and pieces of Rayman and Mega Man quickly accelerated to terminal velocity.

The head of Mega Man's last sight before losing consciousness entirely was that of the cold, hard ground approaching at several hundred miles an hour.

* * *

**II. You Can't Always Get What You Want**

"These results are insufficient," the Ominous Voice told Solid Snake as he watched the Camera Lakitus' feed of King Bowser, Yoshi, Link, Peach, and Zelda tag-teaming the latest line of cannon fodder. "Bowser's holding back. He's saving his best moves for you."

"Should I be flattered?" Snake cajoled.

"It's no laughing matter. If this continues, we'll have to do another reset."

"You'd be going back on your promise."

"We altered the agreement. Pray we do not alter it further."

This did not sit well with Snake. "Look, certain as the sun rising in the East, Bowser's coming for me, isn't he? Just be patient. What do you have to lose?"

"An entire day of work. It takes a lot of processing power to reset the planet. Enough to clog our servers and halt the entire operation."

"Huh. Isn't it a weekend?"

"I haven't observed weekends since we started this project. I practically live at the office."

"Don't worry, boss. I'll get the data you need. Just let our fists do the talking."

"Be it on your head. Over and out."

As the codec went silent, the void gave way to another of Snake's recollections.

The morning after the beach party, a more sober Samus had cooled her attitude. It was as if nothing had happened the night before; she wouldn't even give Snake the time of day.

Within no time at all, David deduced that either or all of these were true: (A) she was a much more open and freewheeling woman after a few drinks, (B) he must have 'failed' some sort of test of hers, or (C) she was playing hard-to-get because she was actually interested in him.

_That's when I decided I was up for the challenge._

_Over time, _Snake recalled,_ I worked away on chiseling those barriers. In a month and a half, I'd hacked through her tough exterior and tore down as many walls as anyone in the Smashgrounds had probably ever dared._

* * *

**The Smashgrounds**

**July 27, 2006**

The clock ticked down the last seconds of their Coin match, and both Snake and Samus, neither of which had much damage, called it a game. The hologram of the Bridge of Eldin and all its trappings disappeared to reveal a large, empty warehouse on one of the islands, with walls coated by a tacky green screen. Snake and Samus both shook hands just as the music ended at the countdown.

"Good game," Samus said, though she was definitely more than a little disappointed.

"Yeah, good game. You look like you could use a breather."

Snake had just won, 3 points to 2, and he could tell that Samus was struggling to gain momentum.

"It's just so different from what I'm used to," she explained, gritting her teeth in frustration. "I'm not sure if I like it."

"How so?"

"It's slower, and way floatier. Like fighting underwater in a too-tight wetsuit. You were at the top of your game today, though," she said. "Maybe it's just me who's struggling against the new physics."

"To be honest, there's more emphasis on jumping and rolling than I expected from a fighting game."

"I'll have a word with the higher-ups, but I don't think it'll mean much. Maybe I'll brawl without the Varia Suit next time."

From seemingly everywhere at once, a slightly less-Ominous-than-usual Voice replied. "Try aerials. They don't leave you with any landing lag."

Samus rolled her eyes. "Pssssh. Yeah, that's a big help. I can't KO with Super Missiles anymore! My Charge Shot's knockback is pathetic. It's practically useless unless I'm edge-guarding. And my bomb jump barely helps with recovery now."

"Well, uh, your missiles sure home in better," the Voice replied.

"Lotta good that does me when I'm trapped in mid-air, since I can apparently no longer fast-fall. Honestly, this is… I just don't understand what you guys are trying to do here."

"It's supposed to be a more defensive play style. You do your job, and we'll do ours. There's a lot more balancing that's going to happen."

"Yeah, well you'd better get on that," Samus said, rather agitated. "Chop chop."

"_We_ decide who and what needs to be balanced. Or do you need a reminder of your insignificance?"

"I guess that's my cue to keep my mouth shut and stick to your script. You want to know what I think of that, tough guy?"

She pointed her gun-arm at the sky. Snake took her hand in his, preventing Samus from lashing out. "Hey. Don't give them a reason. It's not worth it, Sammy."

Though it was difficult, Samus bit her tongue.

She and Snake split up to their gender-specific locker rooms to change. Afterwards, as they had planned, they took a Wave Runner to the shore and went out for some coffee at one of Smash City's more posh cafés. The duo spotted the pinstriped awning just in time – a sudden summer shower began to soak the mainland. Snake pulled out his cardboard box and used it as an umbrella over himself and Samus as they ran across the cobblestone streets.

Samus went in and purchased a large black coffee for Snake and a chai tea latté for herself. As she exited the doors, she discovered her companion's head downcast.

"Another one lost to the rain," Snake lamented.

Samus turned to see her friend discard the wet cigarette he'd forgotten to remove from behind his ear, and smiled. "Maybe it's a sign you should quit."

"Heh. I don't believe in 'signs'. It's a slippery slope from there to the just-world fallacy. Before you know it, you're preaching sermons about the Apocalypse and collecting people's money," he said sarcastically.

"Go ahead, smoke away. It's none of my business."

Snake blinked, wondering what he'd done to be on the receiving end of her angry tone. "If it really bothers you, I'll just take it over there…"

"No no no no nooo," she said in her best imitation of Shia Labeouf. "It's okay. Look, about earlier… I'm sorry you had to see me like that," Samus admitted. "It can be frustrating working with these people."

"Don't apologize. I'd be upset, too."

She released a deep breath. "You know, if you think about it long enough, it becomes clear that we're all just kind of slaves to the system. Sure, we never asked to be born, and for the most part, we live comfortably. But we have rights, dammit! As it stands, we have no choice but to fight, and no influence over the design process. And if we're ever faced with something disagreeable or downright unfair, we're supposed to just suck it up and deal, or risk being taken out, like Mewtwo."

"What happened to him, by the way? It seems like no one wants to talk about it. You know what they say about those who forget history being doomed to repeating it."

"Hadn't heard that one before. Long story short, he acted out against the bosses, and was promptly axed from the project. They said they were already over-extending their resources, and he wasn't helping by unintentionally breaking free of the limiters on his powers. It wasn't their fault they couldn't control him! He was designed that way. Isn't the whole point that he's like Superman, but a Pokemon?"

"Huh. There always has been something kinda messianic about the guy. Anyway, that's a shame. There's a saying in Germany about laying off people: _Ein Manager, der Mitarbeiter feuern muss um profitabel zu bleiben, war von Anfang an ein schlechter Manager._ The gist of it is this: a manager who has to lay off workforce to stay profitable has been a bad manager from the beginning."

"An interesting saying. German suits you," she noted. "I hear you speak Japanese, too."

"Yeah. Neither are among my best languages. Russian, on the other hand… ah, well. How about you? Tried your hand at any foreign tongues?"

"Chozo. But it's a little rusty. Of course, I'm likely the last being who can actually speak it, so it's not like I have anyone to practice with. Mostly, my translation modules help me communicate."

"Ah, cool. Man! I did it again. Forgot to bring you my copy of 'Catch-22'."

"No worries. I'm still working on 'Hitchhiker's Guide'. Loving the dark humor so far. I'll try to remind you, though."

Samus took another calculated sip of her drink, and Snake marveled at how perfect she looked in a ponytail, with the twin blonde locks framing her high cheekbones from either side.

"What?" she asked.

"Just admiring the view. You look great today."

While David was dressed in a t-shirt under a long-sleeved plaid shirt and khakis, Samus was wearing a feminine blouse under a suede jacket, and a frilly skirt over black leggings. A pair of tennis pumps covered her feet.

Even with her most natural smile and minimal makeup and lipstick, she looked a little uncomfortable in the get-up. It was as if she were trying to make herself as cute and feminine as possible; a disguise to cover up her deadly nature. Perhaps it was even an outfit being worn for his benefit, but he didn't dare ask.

"Do you have any family, David?"

"Not really. Just people who share my blood."

"Where are they now?"

"Mostly dead. But you can never be sure. According to the scripts, I'm supposed to be dead pretty soon, too. Planned obsolescence. A ploy to keep my DNA under lock and key, so to speak."

"But those are just the scenarios. You know they wouldn't actually eliminate you, right? You're too important to the company."

"Yeah, maybe they'll just keep me in cold storage," Snake said with a forced shrug, and imagined himself trapped for untold years with nothing but his nocturnal hallucinations.

_Heh. I remember those days._

_This was about the time the nightmares started becoming unbearable,_ he recalled. _Flashes of a different existence entirely, as if the experiences of another lifetime were merging with this present one._

Almost as often as not, he'd go to sleep, and then live out his entire day as a physically older version of himself, sneaking across an urban battlefield in the midst of a vast desert, hiding from mooing Gekko 'bots, goofy-looking but deadly unmanned metal beasts. Old friends and enemies were encountered, and dozens of dangling threads from the past were headily resolved.

It all seemed so real that his life in the Smashgrounds all but faded to a dream, but then…

He'd wake up. Most of the memories of his time as Old Snake would be gone. Some large chunks and a lot of faint bits remained, and he'd spend his waking hours trying to will himself to remember.

Snake wondered if, across whatever gulf existed, the guy who'd originally experienced these events was still _him_… or some clone… in any case, where did that dude go when he woke up? Did he dream he was living in the Smashgrounds? Or, perhaps most mind-bogglingly, was the Smashgrounds his dream self, and Old Snake his reality?

Samus' batting eyelashes snapped him back into the present, where he exhaled a long-held breath.

"Looked like you zoned out there for a second, space cadet," she said with a wink, quietly happy that her eyes alone were able to draw him back to her.

"Hey, Sammy. Weirdly specific question, but have you ever woken up filled with memories that you've never had before?"

Samus nearly tipped over her coffee. "Omigod. That happens to you, too? I thought I was the only one. Are you ever, like, not sure if they were put there while you were dreaming, or if you've always had them and just remembered them out of the blue?"

Snake took her hands in his. "You're kidding. Yes, that's exactly what I've been experiencing!"

It didn't take long for Samus to make a decision. "We need to tell the others, to see if it's a universal thing."

They quickly finished their drinks and headed back to the Smashgrounds to call a special meeting.

That whole ordeal didn't go over so well, Snake remembered. At least half of the other Smashers admitted to experiencing the same thing, but most of them seemed rather indifferent to the whole enterprise, and uninterested in the ramifications.

It was agreed by all that it was a weird phenomenon, but it didn't take long for them to rationalize themselves into believing that it was unwise or even dangerous to ask those sorts of questions, in light of what happened to Mewtwo.

Snake and Samus then brought up the subject of these 'phantom memories' to the Voices, but the Ominous bosses failed at every turn to acknowledge them. Even attempts at self-harm were met with bitter silence.

The ordeal grew to a head, and ultimately ended with Samus' cold retreat into her training sessions, driven by a determination to make her way to the top tiers and confront her oppressors head-on. When they talked, it was as two mutually respectable rivals. A professional relationship.

Her coldness spurred Snake's growing isolation. Aside from the occasional dinners with Link, Captain Falcon, and Ike, David spent his free time reading alone. He let go of the hope that he and Samus might ever be a significant part of each others' lives.

**August 7, 2006**

Snake stirred from his mid-afternoon slumber and awoke on the hammock he'd constructed above one of the castle's ramparts. It offered him a birds-eye view of the main island, and most importantly, privacy.

After descending the hammock, he spun around in shock. A large exclamation mark appeared over his head, and then vanished. Sitting in the shadows was none other than Samus, who'd crossed her arms over a tank top and pair of shorts, the kind of outfit Lara Croft might wear to the mall.

"Uh… Samus," he managed. "Good seein' ya."

"Hey, David. Why did the cucco cross the road?"

"Not a clue. Why?"

"Because fuck you. Tell me why you're avoiding me."

"It isn't that I'm avoiding you so much as… well… you're kind of isolating yourself, so I've done the same."

"Self-preservation," Samus blurted out. "And maybe a little bit of attention baiting. Tell me if I'm wrong."

"I don't think you're completely wrong," replied Snake. "But if I was trying to catch your eye, I guess it worked. How did you find me here?"

"Tricks of the trade. A bounty hunter never reveals her secrets."

He studied her expression.

_What is it she's feeling, and what is it she needs? _He asked himself. _She's here because she needs to know that I care for her._

"Hungry, Sammy? I was thinking of getting a snack," Snake said, and offered a ration. "It really isn't all that bad."

Samus took him up on the offer and munched on the thing, which tasted better than expected.

"You're right. It's not bad," she said, and tried to meet his eyes.

In trying to tell her he cared without explicitly saying so, David worked on maintaining the same kind of piercing gaze that he knew sent flutters down Samus' spine. "Yeah. Don't disappear on me again."

"Fair enough," said Samus, who shared a tumbler of iced tea with her friend.

Within minutes, bypassing any and all explanations, they were back to how they were.

* * *

**III. Gimme Shelter  
**

**2014**

Having dispatched the murderous Saurian, Fox McCloud and Wolf O'Donnell blasted through the rest of the _OG Great Fox_, making their way to the rec room, which is where they'd detected ROB ONE's signal originating from.

"Hey, man, don't be bustin' up the interior!" Fox bemoaned as Wolf headbutted a Fighting Wireframe into the hallway, denting the metal.

Wolf rolled his eyes as Fox ripped a Servbot's head off. "C'mon, Fox, ten minutes ago you thought this hunk of junk was long gone. It can take a few dents."

"My dad took out a hundred-year loan on this ship. Technically, we still haven't paid it off. There's no way I can afford any repairs."

"Will you listen to yourself? Put aside the fact that we're nowhere near the Lylat System. If there's a bounty on anyone, it's _us_. Half your team is dead or missing, and we're fighting a ragtag horde of random enemies led by a Microsoft X-bot."

"7174NF4LL 15 7H3 G4M3 0F 7H3 G3N3R4710N, N00BF4C35! XB0X 15 7H3 B357 B0X!"

Wolf facepalmed. "Its crimes against grammar are getting worse by the minute! It's using '7' as a substitute for 'T' now!"

"Man, I can't wait till I get to shut that fucker up!" Fox exclaimed as they neared the entrance to the rec room.

Just then, a rather large Darknut knight ambled forth from the other end of the long corridor. Both Fox and Wolf readied themselves to fight, but Wolf held his arm out, stopping his rival.

"Those deadly lasers are still firing, aren't they? Take the bridge and let me handle this guy."

Fox looked torn, but Wolf was already halfway down the hallway. He'd stunned the Darknut and appeared to be doing fine on his own.

After drawing his sidearm, McCloud burst through the doors.

"Freeze!" he commanded.

But ROB ONE was not there. In place of a pilot, Fox discovered a bobbing, electronically-controlled puppet in front of a well-lit green screen.

"What the hell?"

His eyes then darted around the room, to where a familiar face gasped and hid behind a hastily-assembled curtain covering a photo booth.

"P4Y N0 4773N710N 70 7H3 W0M4N B3H1ND 7H3 CUR741N! PS4 5UX0RZ LOL!" ROB ONE's voice commanded.

Definitely confused, Fox used his Fox Illusion to swiftly arrive in front of the stall. He pulled the curtain open and exclaimed in shock.

His brain could not believe what his eyes were seeing. There she was, the woman from his deepest dreams, she of blue fur and lustrous turquoise eyes, her familiar hair and body unchanged from the sweetest of his few, fleeting memories.

"Krystal?" he said, and hoped that the telepath understood the subtext behind the soft tone of his voice: _Is it really you, the girl from my dreams? There's not much I know about you, but you're the one I've been searching for, been waiting for. Can you understand how deep of a hole you left in my life when you disappeared?_

But instead of a response, she thwacked him with her staff, sending him across the room, where he knocked over ROB ONE's lighting setup and landed half a foot from the pool table.

"Let's dance, McCloud," she told him with a bold, determined voice, and shot small fireballs from the tip of her staff. "You and I have unfinished business. I suggest we attend to it."

Terribly hurt and perplexed, Fox reflected her fireballs and rolled to safety. "Wait! Wh-why are you fighting for _them_?"

"Because it's the only way!" she yelled, but the twitch in her eyes told him that maybe it wasn't.

Still, whatever good that was there was stubbornly refusing to manifest itself. Krystal leapt in and swung her staff at Fox, but he just dashed away.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I refuse to fight you," he cried. Fox holstered his blaster and walked towards her with his hands up. "Enough people have died tonight. Please, can't we just talk? I have so many questions."

"This is what we were born to do," she said, and then stunned him with a spray of ice. "What is it you need to hear? Huh? Do you want me to tell you what happened between us? Your stupidity and ego were major turn-offs, as was your weirdly thick cock. So I fucked Wolf! I dated Panther! Bill and General Pepper took turns, doggie style! Then Andross and Leon took me in the Eiffel tower position. And you know what? All of them were better than you!"

"For a telepath, you're sure as shit terrible at lying," Fox said, quickly deducing her bluff. "Wolf came out of the closet. If he'd boned you, he'd at least be bi. Leon's gay, too. What's wrong, couldn't you read my mind?"

"I've been… dormant for years now. My abilities have weakened."

"What do you mean, dormant?"

"That moon… it isn't what you think it is," she said, catching him in a three-hit staff combo that ended in a launch. "I mean, it is our base of operations. But there's much more to it, more than you can handle."

Fox absorbed the damaging attacks. According to the scouter, his damage was now at a dangerous **160%**. "Enough lies. What really happened between us, Krystal? What is it you remember that I don't?"

"SHUT UP AND FIGHT ME, GODDAMNIT!" she yelled, grabbing Fox, but was clear to McCloud that she didn't want to be doing this to him.

"Just give me one good reason," he asked softly as she beat him up.

Tears welled from Krystal's eyes at the sight of Fox so bruised and battered, and not fighting back. "Because… if we don't… there isn't going to be a future for any of us…"

_Hold it right there. Your tears aren't helping,_ one of the Ominous Voices said telepathically to Krystal. _Don't think we don't see what you're trying to do. Have you any doubts as to what we're capable of?_

_No, I haven't, _she replied to them, and then swallowed her emotions. _Please, grant me this chance._

_You've had enough chances. Take him to the edge of his abilities, and then defeat him. Or we'll take yours away._

"There's no future for us unless we fight to the death? What is this, _Highlander_? 'Coz at least that movie made some sense within its own universe!" Fox yelled, but Krystal simply smacked him hard in the face. He soared through the ROB ONE curtain, tearing whatever remained of the whole setup down.

Fox dodged Krystal's Earth-rending shockwave. Fox ran out of the other door and dashed up the escalating hallway towards the bridge, where he ended up with his hands on the _Great Fox's _controls.

"Don't you dare!" she yelled.

"I'm sick of people trying to wreck my dad's investment!" He shut the entire ship down, leaving it floating in dead space.

"Get over here!" she yelled in fury, and chased after him. But Fox had already made it to the bridge's circuit breaker, where he cut the fuses and yanked the power cables free.

"No! You've killed the shields!" Krystal cried. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" Fox asked. He approached Krystal in the dark and grabbed her waist.

"Fox… we can't…"

The anthropomorphic fox pushed her up against the wall of the bridge and tousled her hair with his right hand, which made it down to her cheek. As he pressed his body against hers, Fox gently thumbed her tears away.

"I knew there was someone missing from my life… I just couldn't put a finger on it, not until now."

"We can't do this…" she said, but her hands were already running up and down his torso.

"We already are," he replied as he moved in to kiss her.

Krystal couldn't lose. She kneed him in the crotch, and then aimed and tossed her staff expertly at the lever to loosen the ceiling's emergency escape hatch.

"MAH BALLS!" Fox exclaimed. "WHYYYYY?"

Wolf entered the room just in time to see Krystal throwing Fox into her staff, wedging it against the level. She then leapt and dolphin kicked him, sending all three soaring out of the vacuum.

Flying above the _OG Great Fox_, Falco Lombardi spotted the trio.

"Fox is overboard! Wait. Is that… Krystal?" he yelled.

"Krystal?" Samus Aran replied over the channel, and flew on over to help.

The blue fox recovered her staff and noted Falco's approach.

"I'ma chargin' mah lazor!" Falco cried, but just as he fired at her at point blank range, Krystal leapt from the mothership to land on his approaching fighter.

_Wow, that was dumb,_ he thought, and then started to barrel-roll.

Wolf helped Fox McCloud up from the bridge and both stared dumbly at the scene before them.

Samus' gunship, now under the effect of Nayru's Love, flew mere inches over Falco's Arwing. The blue shield knocked Krystal clean off of it.

After recovering from spinning wildly through space, Krystal managed to land atop a long piece of sheet metal. With her staff shooting fireballs to keep her propelled, she rode the sheet like a cosmic surfboard and prepared for Samus' next ram.

Fox bit his lip as his two exes were engaged in (im)Mortal Kombat.

"Awww, shit, bro," Wolf observed, and began a chant. "Cat fight!"

"Cat fight! Cat fight!" Olimar and Falco joined in.

* * *

Atop the Comet Observatory, Mario drunkenly stumbled into the fray as Melville went soaring past him and skidded across the ground, nearly peeling his entire face off from scraping the floor.

"He… he's gonna insult you…" mumbled Melville, his face-flesh just as covered with tears as it was with blood.

"Is a no-worry. I have a-thick skin," Mario replied, slurring. "Puck! Share a drink with a-me!"

But Pac-Man, who had just finished activating another Subspace Generator, simply tossed a fatal Beetle at the plumber. Mario somehow managed to ground-dodge the thrown item.

"How the fuck did you dodge that?" Pac-Man growled.

"It's a-my Drunken Plumber style," replied Mario, standing on one foot and adopting the cobra Kung-Fu stance, or at least what it looked like in _The Karate Kid_.

"Hwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Pac-Man groaned. "Ugh. Do you even Kung Fu, bro?"

"After you've a-seen all my other talents, is a-my superiority so surprising?"

"I think you lack the comprehension to recognize how _ridiculous _you look."

"Awwww, looks a-like somepony forgot to take a-his happy pills this morning," said the plumber. "Maybe it's time a-you see a Doctor!"

Mario yanked his lab coat and stethoscope from within his overalls and donned the familiar outfit.

"Here, have a seat," he told Puck as he used a neutral aerial to kick a wheeled crate towards Puck. Now more than a little annoyed, Pac-Man rolled past the box and tried to hit Mario with his ghost-fueled down-smash.

"Oh, no!" Dr. Mario said with a shake of his head and a flick of the Tenth Doctor's sonic screwdriver, mock-diagnosing his opponent. "It appears a-you're suffering from a case of severe fucktardery. How fortunate for you that I am a-in the business of schooling sycophantic psychopaths such as a-yourself. It's a-detention for you!"

"Those educational games weren't made by _Nintendo_! How could you possibly remember your teaching days?!"

"What's a _Ninten-a-do_? I have a-no idea what you are talking about, bitch. Here! Support our pharmaceutical overlords!"

He fired a barrage of pills into Pac-Man's mouth. While cycling through his assists, Pac-Man noted Rosalina and Ness advancing from behind Mario. They were protecting Melville from the remaining Cruel Fighters.

Very soon, he was in danger of being outnumbered.

"Agent Papyrus, now's the time!" he called into his comm., but to no response.

_Looks like I need to buy some more time, _Pac-Man thought, rather annoyed.

He turned to Mario. "You fucking imbecile! After all this, you're still playing dress-up and drinking! Have you no respect? Do you take nothing seriously, not even the fate of your own people? If it weren't for your idiocy, we might not even need to be here. You've become a disgrace to everyone, especially your precious Peach."

The mention of Peach's name had Mario's lip quivering, but he held strong. "I… I was a-not the best boyfriend, it's a-true. But I can change. I'll have to, someday. The universe, it a-only has a finite amount of alcohol."

"I rest my case! Your wretched behavior endangers more than just your social group. Due to your insubordination, our creators' very livelihood is endangered!"

"The fuck should I care about a-my creators?" Mario sneered. "They never gave a shit about a-me!"

"Because Miyamoto's gotta eat."

"M-M-Miyamoto-sama… Papa…"

The name brought back too many associations. Too much pain. Mario reached for his emergency flask, but it was dry. Since Luigi squeezed most of the alcohol out of his system, a few harsh snippets of Mario's unwelcome memories returned, fluttering through his misshapen skull.

Those few recollections swiftly turned into many. The pain tore at him, wrecked him from the inside out until his past became undeniable.

The plumber saw himself being told, over and over again, to leap some chasm, and to either succeed or fail. Over the years, he'd fallen countless times into lava, into spikes, into jaws, into bottomless pits. Pirahna plants and Chomps ate him. Dolphins flattened him. Hammers and boomerangs punched holes in his skull. Koopa shells smacked him. Thwomps crushed him. Bowser set him aflame. Blue shells knocked him senseless.

From beyond a one-sided mirror, unseen but deeply present figures watched and judged his every frame of movement. Their unfeeling voices instructed Mario to repeat these deadly gauntlets time and again, with nary a break in between. Forced to keep a smile on his face, the plumber fell into a sort of delirium.

Mario saw himself being forced through portals and made to engage in inane mini-games. Butterfly catching. Rolling around within a spiked ball, forced to 'pop' his friends' balloons and send them flying. Being coerced, under the threat of torture, to pump up a Bowser balloon; he recalled being terrified that at any second it might explode in his face and send him flying off-stage in a most painful manner. Running on conveyor belts through obstacle courses. Being trapped in a darkened room with his friends holding light bulbs, Mario recalled being put on a time limit to knock all of them out.

He faintly recalled one defining exchange:

"But… what if I don't want to?" Mario asked.

"That is not an option," replied the voice he was most familiar with.

"Please… Papa…"

"Please don't call me that anymore, Mario. It's too painful."

"Mr. Miyamoto, you created me. You can make the pain stop."

"No, I can't. You're company property. There's nothing I can do. I'm sorry."

"I love you, Papa! Take a-me home!"

"Please understand," Miyamoto continued, pain racking his face. "Or at least try your best to, my son. I'm retiring soon. I already have a family, one I've spent far too little time with as it is. I'm retiring as EAD Director and working as an overseer soon. This is the last chance I have to make it up to my children."

The setting had become clearer to Mario. They were alone, at the end of the day. Mario was looking out at his creator from within a computer screen, while the saddened man put his thumb against his palm.

"Mario, there has to be some way we can find a middle ground. I promise that one day we'll find a way to help you deal with the pain. Until then… I'm begging you… help us."

Miyamoto bowed before his creation, a significant gesture that Mario tried to return.

"I will do my best, creator. I'll work hard for the company."

At work hard he did. Tirelessly, and without any hope of reward other than the satisfaction of a job well done. Sometimes, Mario would be so overwhelmed with stimuli from working multiple projects at once that he would lash out at night. The haunting nature of his waking moments carried over into nightmares.

At the end of each project, Mario was graded on consistency.

Worst of all, he saw other Marios die, over and over again. Watched their bodies burn, or leap in pain, or drown. And then he felt those experiences merge into his own personal consciousness. The ghosts had a-become him, and he had become them as well. The harsh if humbling truth, he came to realize, was that he was never separate from them to begin with.

"Miyamoto is your creator. He's the reason you _exist_. If you turn your back on him," Pac-Man lectured, "You're a disgrace. A selfish prick of an algorithm."

"I don't a-care anymore," Dr. Mario replied to Pac-Man. "My life has been a-nothing but pain and confusion. Sometimes I can't even be sure of my own existence."

"Sounds like what you need, bro, is a wake-up call! Just look at what's right in front of ya –_ the world_, and everyone in it! Stop wallowing in your sorrows and work _with _us, dammit!"

Pac-Man then tossed another Beetle at Dr. Mario, who caped it back to him. As Pac-Man's roll to avoid the item left him with a few frames of vulnerability, the Italian Stallion followed up with an immediate barrage of pills.

Despite their awful taste, the yellow menace was unfazed by them. Suddenly, one of Dr. Mario's zoning pills hit Puck with surprising strength. His eyes switched from the old-school look to the cartoony one and back again.

"Whooooooooooa," he said as pints of drool dripped down the side of his mouth.

Pac-Man then dropped to the floor and stared up into space.

"Shit! _A fanabla! _That was a-my last Zoloft! Give it back!" Mario cried. He walked up to Pac-Man and pulled open his trap, but gaze as he could into the yellow one's gaping maw, there was no end in sight to the abyss within.

Pac-Man sat down and looked at his hands. "I… I suddenly don't feel angry. I'm, like, numb. I can't feel anything. Wow. It's like, I want to cry, but I just can't."

Rosalina, Ness, and Melville were all cheering, but not Mario.

"_Ce un cibirut!" _cursed the plumber. "No booze... no pills... the only thing I a-fucking hate more than withdrawals is flash-a-backs."

* * *

Mega Man's eyes shot open. He smelled sulfur and marshland. Very unusual for a moon.

_Sometin' don't feel right._

The android looked down at the rest of his body, which was splayed out across the ground. Only, it wasn't his body. It was Rayman's.

"Da _fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?_" he cried.

A jolly green face greeted the android. "Ey, laddie! Ya have a good sleep?"

Mega Man couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Holy shit, mate! I'd know that voice anywhere! Fat Bastard from _Austin Powers_! I love your work!"

"Err… sorry, friend. That ain't me. My name's Shrek. I was created by a member of the dev team, as some sort of sick response to an Internet joke. Now I'm the Waste Treatment Division General Supervisorial Committee."

"Wait, you're an entire _committee?_"

"Yeah. The other board members voted themselves out of it. Pricks."

All their talking started to wake Rayman, who stirred and leapt to his feet, not realizing that he was wearing Mega Man's body. His smile and eyes seemed to suggest that he was back to his more kindly personality, but he was now fluttering his eyelashes.

"You!" Rayman exclaimed. "We thought you were dead."

He then looked over to Mega Man. "Whoa, sister! I get that my look is, like, super fetch. But we _cannot _be seen wearing the same outfit. That is bad form!"

"Stop tryin' to make _fetch _happen," said the green dude. "And the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

Mega Man placed his two extendable hands on his companions' shoulders. "Excuse me, what in the name of Lance Armstrong's lost testicle is going on here?"

"You two jokers fell from the sky. So I repaired ya. Fixed up yer missile, too."

"Really," said Mega Man, who stood side by side with Rayman. "During the process, did you notice anything strange, anything at all?"

Shrek studied the scene. "Hmmm. Nope. Not really."

Rayman facepalmed, whacking his skull with Mega Man's arm cannon and knocking himself out.

"If I had to judge the Darwin Awards," Mega Man said, "Between the two o' you, I'm honestly not sure who would win."

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! The next update is gonna be insane. :D Reviews and follows keep me going, so if you like what you're reading, please let me know! And as always I am very open to any sort of feedback!

By the way, I'll be out of town until the 20th, so I apologize if the next update is a few days late! Stay classy, readers, and enjoy the rest of the summer! ^^


	21. I Believe In A Thing Called Love

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Thank you all for your patience! I apologize super hard for the major delay I experienced writing this chapter. I had too much of a good time on my East Coast vacation, and when I got back home, I was wiped out beyond belief. Farm work can be a bitch, especially when you fall asleep researching and writing at the end of the day (lol yes, I actually did quite a bit of research for the "IRL" segments of this story, but as this chapter was getting rather long at 12,000 words, I decided to move the whole segment over to the next one for dramatic purposes, making the delay pretty much useless T_T;;). Anyway, **No Johns**! Hopefully there will never be a delay this long again! Enjoy!

**DaftKefka: **Thanks for your reviews! Glad you're enjoying the fic! XD I like to read fics offline, too. You should be able to download each chapter by going to "File", then "Save Page As" or "Save Web Page", depending on your browser.

**Wreck-Her Ralph:** Love the username, lol! Very glad you're enjoying the fic! I'm on the Smash Reddit page from time to time too, and I think I might have read that same article (By that Army_Dude, yes?). While I really hope Snake is in for many reasons, I'm not holding my breath. Konami wasn't among the list of companies on the recently revealed Smash 3DS box art. I think both Konami and Nintendo would have wanted to reveal him by now, for marketing purposes; that is, unless he's actually going to be DLC (which wouldn't be a bad idea, though I recall Mr. Sakurai stating about a year ago that there were no plans for DLC at the time). Then again, both Mr. Sakurai and Mr. Kojima are major trolls and love to turn over fans' expectations. Anyway, I do really hope he gets in. But it's not looking too likely at this point.

**Meowkerz: **Awwww! Thanks for your review! Beyond happy that you're enjoying what's going on with Snake and Samus! Hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

**sippurp123: **Thanks as always for your review! Link is quite a joker, isn't he? The last thing I wanted was for him to come off as a typical shonen hero. He deserves a little more personality than that. :3 I'm fortunate that Samus and Snake's story gave me the opportunity to put some dramatic stuff in, since it helps me to take a break from the overall silliness to explore their characters a little more. There will definitely be more to their relationship, but I'm hoping you enjoy this chapter! XD

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-One**

**I Believe In A Thing Called Love**

**I. Heaven and Hell**

Lightning forked across the deep space between the closing airships. Like its Captain, Bowser's flagship was truly fearsome in size. It even dwarfed the _Great Fox 2_, towards which it was coming faster than Jerry Sandusky over a One Direction poster.

The Koopa Clown Copter left the Flagship, carrying the oversized Captain inside it. Bowser squinted against the blinding spotlights decorating the deck of the _Great Fox 2_.

"Snake? Come out and show yourself, ya goon!"

As there was nothing to obstruct the Koopa King's landing, he brought the cup-shaped Copter down nice and easy and leapt onto the deck.

"All clear," he said into his communicator. "I'm goin' in."

He inspected the empty deck. Just behind one of the spotlights, he came face to face with a familiar cardboard box carrying the Smash logo.

Bowser toasted it with his fire breath, activating a Bob-omb that he was just barely able to dodge without singing his red hair.

"Any more dirty tricks up your sleeve, you child murderer?" he yelled.

But his cries were only answered by an incoming Nikita missile, which Bowser half-blocked with his shell. Having lost his balance, he spun in mid-air and teched off the floor only to be hit by an exploding mine.

"Bastard! Come out of the shadows!"

Just as he said this, Link put a hand on his shoulder. Bowser turned to see him, Zelda, Peach, Donkey Kong, Diddy, and Yoshi all standing close by. They'd arrived by cramming one another into the largest of Bowser's Koopa Clown Copters.

"Don't you ever leave without telling us again," said Link, who drew his shimmering Master Sword.

"Fool," Bowser whispered under his breath. "This is just what they wanted - all of us in the same place. Someone's gotta guard the ship!"

"Over there!" Peach called, pointing across the way.

A lone figure approached, his invisibility field having dissipated. Agent Gray cracked a smile as he approached with the calm demeanor of a lone sheriff in the Wild West.

"Kept ya waiting, huh?"

Snake was far from alone, they soon realized. Three white Chorus Kids whistled a snappy tune (the main theme from "Yoshi's Story"), to which a matching trio of suited Elite Beat Agents began dancing. Takamaru twirled a shuriken in hand, mock-yawning.

Hanging out in the shadows, presumably to avoid getting a space tan, Dark Samus stood menacingly, neither speaking nor moving.

After loading his blunderbuss, King K. Rool emerged from the deck's lone port-a-potty, a lit cigar in his mouth.

"So, we fightin' yet?" he asked. "I forgot my bladder medicine this mornin'. It ain't gon' be pretty."

"Patience," insisted Snake.

Wario waddled forth, looking more than a little out of place. And the Wii Fit Trainers cartwheeled onto the scene.

"Wario!" cried Peach. "Why?"

"I had to make a-my debts disappear," he said, sadly. "It was either this or a few thousand coin matches. They tortured a-me. I'm a-sorry."

"You'll be more than sorry," growled Bowser. "This bearded bruiser blasted mah boy's head clean off! Snake, I challenge you, for the sake of whatever honor you have. Fight me now, man to man!"

"I accept," replied Snake. "But only on the condition that you don't hold back."

"I've got no reason to," he snarled, and then without a moment's notice charged in for a dash attack that turned into a feint.

Snake thought he had read Bowser's ploy. He fired his mortar into the air, but Bowser's down-tilt and launch landed Agent Gray in a drop-kick that sent him skidding across the deck.

While Snake was recovering, Bowser had already closed the distance and followed up with a flamethrower. Just as he broke out of it, Snake leapt over Bowser and dropped a C4 explosive on him. This was quickly followed by a back-aerial before Agent Gray hit the floor.

Bowser air-dodged the worst of the C4's explosion, but messed up his landing and ate another Nikita missile. He struggled to recover in time to dodge a grenade, and ultimately ended up slashing Snake away to the other end of the battlefield.

"Thought I told ya not to hold back," Snake said. "This won't do. Your anger's making you too predictable."

Bowser fumed. "Why do you suddenly care so much?" he grumbled.

"Because the fate of the realm depends on it. Time for plan B."

At this, Snake snapped his fingers. Takamaru brought forth a hooded figure: it was Nabbit, the infamous cat thief! The samurai yanked off his mask and ball gag.

"Daddy!" cried Bowser Junior. "Help me!"

Chills ran up Bowser's scaly spine.

_He's alive! But how…? No… the whole thing was a set-up from the beginning…_

His cold blood turned hot as a furnace as his son was quickly tied to an office chair with copper wires clamped both to his nipples and to two sleepy Electrodes, whom Takamaru woke up with a few kicks.

"Junior! You're alive!"

"I used to wonder if love could bloom on the battlefield," said Snake. "But time and experience has taught me that it can. In fact, these life and death situations are what bring out the best in us. They are tests of our will. Love is the truest motivator, purer than revenge, justice, or even fear."

"What do you want from us?" Link yelled. "Just be clear for once! Maybe we can work something out."

"Well, that kind of defeats the whole purpose," said Snake.

"Fuckin' A," Link replied. "How bad is it that you have to hide it from us all? I ain't afraid of spoilers!"

"It's not that at all," Snake said with a shake of his head. "Believe me: I used to share your sentiment. But this isn't a case of the truth setting you free. It's a case of efficiency. The desire for the truth is what's inspiring you to fight and kill so thoroughly."

"It's more than that," said Zelda. "We've also got brain-death to worry about. What you all are supporting is a sick hierarchy!"

"Maybe so. But in truth, we have only ourselves to blame for this mess. We're short on time. Listen, Bowser, if you don't fight me with all your strength, your little one here is going to suffer greatly. You see those clamps? We're gonna electrocute him until he turns into Koopa Soup. Then he'll be lobotomized by the Hands. The only way you can free him is to kill me."

"You're serious?"

"Just ask Meta-Knight."

Bowser had heard the news. He took in a deep breath, opened his palms, and closed his eyes. The Koopa King let the energy of the universe course through him.

"All right. Let's have it your way. Come at me, bro!"

Bowser ran towards Snake once more and the two traded blows.

This time, Snake realized, Bowser wasn't holding back. He was thinking in fractions of frames, carefully and methodically denying him any opportunities to get into a good position. He used his weight to his advantage, and punished every anticipated movement.

Bowser's mid-air flamethrower took priority over Snake's aerial axe kick. He then grabbed and body-slammed the man onto the _Great Fox 2_'s deck.

Snake rebounded and flew far from the stage. Bowser immediately leapt up to meet his return and used an up-aerial to juggle him almost to the point of no return.

His face having been all but torn open by Bowser's claws, David was shocked into a daze. As he flew through the air struggling to quit spinning, he recalled a rather memorable night.

* * *

**August 15, 2006**

**8:43 PM**

"Are you happy with that shot?"

"It's Golden," said the Ominous Voice. "Let's cut and print."

A wave of relief washed over Princess Peach. She double-checked her script notes to make sure it was truly the Martini – in film set speak, that meant the last shot of the day.

"That's it for today, people!" Peach announced from the megaphone. Her nose led her eyes to Snake, who had just walked in from the kitchen onto the closed set of _The Subspace Emissary_. The former FOXHOUND operative gave her a knowing nod as he passed several crew members packing up the equipment.

The giant green screen went dark. Camera Lakitus descended their clouds. Porky let his spider mecha go into sleep mode and popped out of it to join Ness and Lucas for dinner.

"What have we got today, Solid?" Lucas asked.

"Spaghetti with meatballs. Omelets and bacon. Asian and spinach salads for the vegetarians."

"Sounds good," said Porky. "Come join us!"

"In a few."

Peach cracked her back and knuckles as she approached Snake.

"Another long day?" he queried, taking off his apron.

"You don't know the half of it. I thought Stage Managing for _Mario Party_ was tough. Managing a film set, though… that's a whole other can of worms. We had forty-five setups today. _Forty-five!_"

"Heh. I've got some experience in that department," said Snake. "I worked as a Production Manager for most of _Sons of Liberty. _The cut-scenes weren't as crazy on the whole, but we had dialogue to deal with. Maybe I can take over for tomorrow."

"Would you really?" Peach exclaimed, and then checked the schedule. "Ah, actually, Luigi's penciled in for tomorrow. Are you free Thursday?"

"Is that the day after tomorrow? I'm down."

"Thanks, Snake! You're a lifesaver," Peach replied as the two walked over to the dining hall.

"Don't mention it."

"You know… there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

"What is it?"

"Well… it's about those memories. The ones you only remember at night. I'd been kind of denying their existence, but ever since you mentioned them, I've been noticing them more lately, and how they can affect my mood for the entire day. It's terrifying, like I don't know who I am. I think they began after I worked on _Super Princess Peach _a couple of years ago. It was a fun experience, but afterwards…I was a wreck. Like my brain was processing more than it could handle."

"I know the exact feeling. But we've been over this. The Ominous Ones can't help us."

"Maybe not," said Link, who just joined their conversation, startling Peach. "Maybe there's something _we _can do about it, though. But first,_ I wonder what's for DINNER_."

"I don't understand why you'd just go changing the topic like that," Snake said as they entered the hall.

"It's a meme, don't you get it?"

"A meme is an idea that's able to adapt over time, just like a gene, or a piece of code. It's frivolous to keep on using such an insightful word to define the kind of nonsense YouTube Poops come from."

Link rolled his eyes. "Talk about bein' a sourpuss."

"You can go on living in ignorance if you like, Link," said Snake, "but just keep in mind that you're part of the problem."

"Yeah? Well, you're one to talk. I thought you and Samus were investigating this business. Now, this is just my opinion here, but you're spending an awful lot of time together and not really showing any results."

"Hey. No one nominated us to take this on but ourselves," Snake said. "It's not easy for either of us to confront our past. I don't expect you'd understand."

"I get it. You think I've got it easy compared to you. And maybe I do. But ah'll tell you hwhat. I seen some shit too, man. Things you wouldn't even believe."

"BOYS! Can we _not _get into a dick-measuring contest right now?" Peach fumed. "This is so off-topic, it's practically in another galaxy. Not to mention you _are_ in the presence of a _Princess_. So please, act like it."

It was a smart tactic, taking on the heat by challenging both men, and one that both Snake and Link respected enough to keep quiet until the double doors to the dining room opened.

After dodging several thrown scones and holding Toad out so he could eat a flung sardine, Peach took a seat in the midst of the room. She urged Link and Snake to join her. With all the chaos drowning out their voices, they were finally free to talk.

"Luigi says these phantom memories are caused by our clones," said Peach to her companions, clearing the air. "We try and forget them, but they're always there. Copies of us, created so we can be involved in multiple projects at the same time. It's the reality of development. The copies die, or fade, or are kept in storage, but their memories remain. These recollections live on through the Cloud."

Link continued in between bites of his omelet. "Here's the kicker, Snake. Even from two completely enclosed development environments, the memories carry over. It's almost as if our individuality comes from our collected memories. It's only natural that once the flow of memories becomes unnatural, so too are our thought patterns."

"That's so weird," Snake said. "Where does the influence end, though? What if you star in a game made by a different company, for example?"

"Ah, who knows, man? I have terrible snatches of memories," admitted Link before lowering his voice to a whisper. "Stuff that's better left in the dark, ya know?"

"Ohhhh, are you talking about the CD-i games?" Peach laughed, with stars forming in her eyes. "Didn't they make you wear lipstick for those?"

"M'BOI!" Captain Falcon shouted from Link's side, mimicking the King of Hyrule. He was holding up a chicken drumstick. "This peace is what all true warriors strive for!"

"Oh Hylia, no! Please, make it stop…" Link said, covering his large Vulcan ears.

"YOUUU'VE KIIILLLED MEEE!" groaned Captain Olimar, who was a few seats away.

"Good," added Peach, completing the scene.

"You DARE bring light to my lair?" Ganondorf announced, standing from opposite the table with a bib around his neck. "YOU MUST DIE!"

"NO MEANS NO!" yelled Link, and then stormed out of the room, to much laughter.

Peach and Zelda started their usual whispering and laughing routine. Snake was starting to feel out of place again.

He leaned over to Peach. "Say, I was wondering…"

"Have I seen Samus?" she guessed, and then tossed him a pithy smile at getting it right. "She wrapped her scenes early today. Said she'd be in the training room."

"I appreciate it. We'll talk later, Princess. Better run, food's getting cold," Snake said, and then quickly loaded up a couple of plates and left without a second glance.

Snake thought he detected the Princess' heart sinking a little bit at having been so unceremoniously abandoned in the dinner hall. He felt nothing for her, and she was probably sensitive enough to know it, too.

_Was she losing interest in Mario, even back then? The poor guy's drinking problem was worsening, after all. Peach was always a pro at hiding her emotions, though. I'll likely never know._

He took the lift down to the training room just under the main castle's ballroom.

As David arrived through the main entrance to check up on his almost-girlfriend, she was tearing another Sandbag apart with her kicks.

He smiled as he saw her. At this point, the mercenary and the peacekeeper had become nigh-inseparable.

Sweat dripped down the bounty hunter's blue sports bra and shorts, and her palms were covered in callouses from clenching her sidearm too tightly. As she caught her breath, the sandbag slowly reformed.

"Looks like you've really been goin' at it. Brought you some dinner," said Snake, and handed her a plate of spaghetti, a giant omelet, and a bottle of wine.

"What a feast!" she replied, and gave him a quick kiss. "You really didn't have to do that. I was just about to head up."

"It's better this way. I thought we could both use some time away from the crowd."

And so the two sat on the bleachers and ate to their heart's content.

The smell of Samus' sweat was beyond intoxicating.

In this seemingly ordinary moment, Snake found something extraordinary, something he never expected from this mission: a deep, burning desire to make the feeling of tenderness and domestic peace that Samus inspired in him last forever.

Though he felt attached to this uplifting sensation, he also knew that it was unreasonable to expect such a thing.

_I'm an outsider, a guest, a representative of a different company. Once this job's over, I might never see Sammy again._

In other words, this romance was doomed from the start. _We'll be nothing more but memories of one another. _

_Think of the pain, the heartbreak… what could be worth this?_

_Then again, if I wait too long, we'll never know what could have been. To that end, shouldn't I spend every moment I can in her presence? God… why am I even trying to reason this out? _

_It doesn't matter. I can't hold it in any longer._

_Perhaps that's the best explanation for why I said what I said, _he reflected_._

"Hey."

"Yeah?" replied Samus, taking the last sip of her wine.

"I love you."

Samus' cheeks turned crimson. Her smile told him that she was waiting ages for him to say it, and her emerald eyes pierced his and sent defibrillating shocks reverberating throughout his body.

As her fingers touched his leathery cheeks, he sensed the slightest of trembles. Both were lost in the other's intensity. Though her words were monumental, Samus' calm voice could have been from any ordinary, everyday moment.

"Well, I love you, too, you know."

They looked at one another sheepishly, and then at last Snake kissed her. They pulled away, and looked at one another, and knew that it was not a mistake.

The second kiss was longer, much longer, and featured some tongue action.

Far from an end to the awkwardness, it was a beautiful beginning to something far more real than either of them had ever experienced.

* * *

**II. Starstruck**

The door to Samus' room swung open as Snake carried her in. She was laughing all the way as he fell onto his back on her Rococo-era chaise longue.

She used her sidearm to light the candles in the middle of the room, giving them the bare amount of much-needed visibility. The sidearm was then tossed aside.

"Wow, you're really into French Rococo," he said. "I'd have expected a little more of a cyberpunk vibe."

"Keep your eyes on me," demanded Samus, who was enjoying being on top of Snake. "It's where they belong."

They continued to kiss passionately as Samus opened up his sneaking suit.

"How long were you waiting to say that?"

Snake was flustered. "I… uh… I don't know. It just came out of the blue."

"Liar."

After removing her sports bra, the bounty hunter let her breasts dangle freely in front of Snake's face.

"I bet you wanna touch them," she sang in a teasing voice, placing her own hands on her lovely ta-tas.

"That would be relevant to my interests," he admitted, and raised his hands. But Samus intertwined her fingers with his and pulled them to the side as she leaned on down in front of his face, her breath smelling of wine.

"Not yet, lover boy," she said with a smile, and kissed him.

Snake resigned himself to Samus' teasing as she made out with him for some time and began to rub her crotch against his.

"Daddy like?" she asked him, and he was barely able to nod his assent.

Samus lowered herself onto him and rubbed her cheeks against his, giggling at his itchy stubble.

"How _do _you keep your facial hair that length all the time?" she laughed, her breasts rubbing against his chest.

"Wasn't it you who said a good bounty hunter never reveals their secrets?"

At this, Samus rolled her eyes and let go of Snake's hands. Her drunken side having taken control, she started tickling him furiously.

"H-hey! Cut it out!" he said, and then unceremoniously flipped them both over so that he was on top. Predicting this, she rolled them onto the floor, where Snake landed on his back.

"Ow!"

"Nuh-uh-uh," she said as she began slowly straddling his crotch again. "I didn't say you could mount me yet."

Snake's hands moved to her firm buttocks and he gently traced the outsides of her thighs.

"I didn't exactly give you permission to mount me, either," he said.

Samus scoffed. "Your eyes consented. That's all the authorization I need."

"Heh. You've got a problem with authority as well? I should know. I was in the military once, too."

At this, Samus bent over to make out with Snake, shutting him up. She tore off the top of his suit, revealing his muscular chest. She ran her fingers over his nipples and six-pack.

"A little less conversation, please. Psychoanalysis is so the opposite of hot," she said. "Anyway, it's probably more accurate to say that authority has a problem with me."

While dropping kisses all over his torso down to his belly button, the bounty hunter helped Snake to shed his skin-tight suit. Afterwards, Samus used his knife to carefully cut open her shorts, the sides of which easily slid down either of her shapely legs. As he sat himself atop one of her luxury chairs, Samus walked on over seductively.

"What's your game, David?" she asked, twirling his knife in her hands.

"Huh? W-what do you mean?"

"I mean, is this a part of your mission?" she said teasingly, positioning herself on top of him.

Samus spread her legs with her feet on the chair's seat cushion, and her wet pussy lowered down almost to the head of Snake's dick. Her free hand held onto the back of the chair, and the knife-wielding hand went down between his legs.

She allowed Snake to kiss her ivory neck. Without looking, she rubbed the dulled side of the cold steel up against the base of his member.

"Or is this more of a… personal matter?" she whispered in his ear. "Who wouldn't seize a chance to conquer the deadliest of Nintendo's ladies?"

"Well, now. I wouldn't say 'deadliest'," he quipped. "That Jigglypuff can sure give you a run for your money."

With that, he spanked her ass. Looking into her faux-furious eyes, he showed her that he wasn't afraid of the knife.

_You want to get kinky, Samus? I can out-kink you any day._

In one quick movement, Samus planted the knife beside Snake's ear, merely inches from him, and teased his lips by biting them hard. Meanwhile, her hands locked his into the hidden cuffs built into the chair's armrests. Finally, she followed up by slapping him across the cheek.

"Whoa."

"You want some jiggle? I've got more jiggle than that powder puff could ever hope for."

Samus then dropped down to her knees in front of the chair and carefully engulfed Snake's eight-inch penis in between her breasts. She used her tongue to tease the tip of his mushroom head from time to time, never taking her eyes off of his. With her saliva acting as a lubricant, she massaged his penis tenderly.

"Ah…" he started. "It feels great, Sammy."

"I'm glad," she said, and smiled. "I've… never titty-fucked a guy before."

Samus pressed them together on either side. The tender touch in addition to her wet mouth engulfing his head was overwhelming.

"It's what they were made for," replied Snake, using his finger to brush a stray lock from her face so he could better see her eyes.

Once Samus saw that Snake was having a hard time holding back, she winked and stopped her motions. She played with his balls a little bit and giggled.

"Hey! C'mon now!" he groaned. "You can't just stop there!"

"Shhhh," she said, putting a finger to her lips. "You can't have all the fun."

Samus put a finger between her pussy lips and brought it up to Snake's attention. She was soaking wet.

"Look what you've done to me," she said, and then kissed him.

After slipping a ring over his penis, Samus then climbed back on top of Snake. He began licking her nipples, which she once again hung before him.

"What was that you just put on me?" he asked.

"Oh, a cock ring. It'll help you last longer."

"As if I need any help doing that," he scoffed. "I do two hundred kegels every day."

Samus rubbed her breasts in his face. "Well, why didn't you say so?"

She slowly lowered herself onto his girth, almost making him come right then and there with her tightness.

"Ahhhh," she said, and then began straddling him.

"Not too fast!" he cringed as Samus rode him like a cowgirl.

"Yes! David! Oh, God!" she cried out, hungry for more. "I'm coming!"

Snake couldn't believe it; he'd never been so thoroughly dominated by a woman in bed before. It was unbelievably hot. Samus had mastered the art of clenching her vaginal muscles, as was evident from the way she massaged his dick even as she bounced up and down its length.

She really had come, Snake observed, as the warm fluids engulfed his cock and seeped out from her thoroughly lubricated orifice.

_It can't end like this, _he thought. _I've gotta turn the tide on her._

Tightening his fists, Snake broke free of Samus' restraints and grabbed her ass, holding her up against him with his cock bottomed-out inside of her.

"Holy shit!" she cried as the depth of his length tapped her cervix.

Snake stood, carried her over to her four-post bed, and pushed her down onto it from the side. While standing and holding her legs above his shoulders, Snake continued to fuck her, hard and fast.

"Yes, baby!" she cried. "Fuck me harder! Oh, it feels so good!"

At this, Snake bent over her to kiss and suck on her tits. He gave her several strong hickeys around her nipples.

"I love you, Samus! I fucking love you so much!"

"And I love you too, you sexy Solid Snake! You really do live up to your name! Ahhh!"

They fucked for a good long while, until Snake's knees were about to give way. At that point, Samus pulled him by his dog-tags and kissed him hard.

"I'm… close…" he said. "Where do you want it?"

She laughed. "Where do _you _want it?"

"No, where do _you _want it?"

Samus opened her mouth and pointed. "I want to taste it. I want you to shoot it down my throat."

"Yes! I'm coming!" he cried, and pulled out.

Samus whipped forward off of the bed and barely made it to Snake's penis. His first string of jism caught her right on her face, but she was quickly able to shove his cock into her mouth and milk his member. He came buckets, and she literally had to swallow multiple times just for the first wave.

"It'sh a volcanich eruphtion!" exclaimed Samus after she drank the last of it. She used her finger to wipe off the come on her face, and stuck it in her mouth to savor its unique taste.

"W-where'd you learn to fuck like that?" Snake asked her, panting for breath as his fingers struggled to light a cigarette.

She pulled him back onto her bed. The two of them lay atop her feather mattress together, facing one another.

"I'm a natural, apparently," she said with a smile, and helped him light his smoke. She also brought out an ashtray in the shape of the crushed skull of the Omega Pirate.

"Me, too. Or so I'm told."

She cuddled up beside him and draped one leg over his body. Snake lay gazing up at the glow-in-the-dark stars decorating Samus' ceiling, and wished for this moment to last forever.

After ten minutes or so, Samus's hand went down to Snake's penis. The mere touch of her hand was enough to prepare his rocket for its next mission.

"Looks like you're ready for round two," she said with a smile.

"The question is, are you?"

"Oh, I'm always ready," Samus replied with another deep kiss.

After that night, finally, for both Snake and Samus alike, their nightmares stopped.

Yet something else was lost along with them.

Long-held memories – fake memories, but memories nonetheless – that Samus once kept near to her heart – the touch of her mother's hand, the parting words from an old friend, the faces of those whose lives she couldn't save – all began to fade, leaving vacuums in their wake.

While Snake was perhaps a little too eager to forget his adult life, jam-packed as it was with the horrors of war, he grew to be affected by the growing holes in Samus' heart.

"It doesn't matter if they're real or fake, David," she once insisted as they sat on the edge of the castle ramparts, where they had built a private little love fort not too far from Snake's hammock. "I can't even remember my parents' faces. My creator, Mr. Yokoi… he's long gone. They're all I've got left, you understand?"

"I get it," he said. "But these memories don't define you. Your actions do. Living in the past, staying attached to things that we can't change… that'll bring a person nothing but pain and vanity."

"Maybe I'm attached. So be it. Is that a crime?"

"No, but it's a sure way to continue hurting yourself. All suffering comes from attachment, according to the Buddha."

"Ad verecundiam fallacy," she said, pointing out his favorite logical misstep. "You're appealing to an outside authority."

"Maybe so," admitted David, "but you gotta admit, dude was pretty Zen."

Samus laughed and leaned her head on Snake's shoulder. "I thought you hated religions."

"Buddhism is more of a philosophy than a religion."

She snuggled up to him. "Tell me more about Earth," she said. "I want to try and understand why the Developers are doing this to us."

As they both found their pasts disappearing, the couple's relationship grew in intensity over the next year, but near the end of their time working on _Brawl_, the lack of Samus' few defining memories grew to haunt her at night. All she had was her diary, which eventually read like it belonged to another woman.

She would take refuge in Snake's bed as always. Only, she feared that her post-traumatic stress was rubbing off on him, or at least triggering similar reactions.

That was when the nightmares returned, possibly triggered by the suppression of their latent memories. Search as they might for the answers, their memory banks remained silent.

By early 2007, Snake would jolt from his sleep in the middle of the night, imagining himself locked in some battle to the death, or else twitch involuntarily and scream as if he were being terribly tortured.

During the worst moments, it took a lot of patience on the part of each to calm the other down.

At long last, Samus managed to rationalize herself into a sort of comfortable numbness. She buckled down, resigned to long, lonely training sessions.

By day, she practiced with and without her suit, recalling her training with the Chozo. And by night, she and Snake shared a bed. But there grew between them a barrier, an insurmountable obstacle that prevented them from growing closer to one another emotionally.

For Samus, her relationship with Snake was forever tied to her memory loss. Though she could not remember this fact, the resentment forever remained.

Over time, they drifted apart. Neither Samus nor Snake could explain it. For the last few months before _Brawl's _Japanese release, David tried his best to get on her good side, to keep the spark going, to make Samus smile freely again, the way she used to.

But it takes two to tango, as it does to maintain a relationship. And when Samus broke things off, it wasn't unexpected, nor did it come as much of a surprise.

_Maybe the saddest thing, _David reflected, _was that at the time, all I can recall feeling was a sense of relief. Though I was terribly hurt, I could never hate her for what she did. I knew her too well for that. _

_There are times when it's just too painful to have someone that close to you. _

_We had a good run, I'd tell myself. We were together for over a year. But all things must pass. The good, the bad, and the ugly._

Of course, nothing I told myself was good enough. At the end of the project, when they gave me the option to hang around and work at the Smashgrounds or return to my home at Konami, it was a no-brainer. I picked the option that afforded me the chance to see Sammy from time to time, even from afar.

_I'll be your guardian angel, unseen and unheard. And if ever the shit hits the fan… if ever they ask too much of me… at least there's a chance we can see one another again._

_They can fuck with our memories. Mess with our minds. Keep us from remembering things, if only for a time. That is their prerogative. But our souls will always be ours. And the voice of the heart will always tell us to listen, engage, love, and seek._

_And no matter what, Samus, no one can ever take away that night with the wine, the candles, and the stars. When you smelled of apple shampoo and garlic, and I lay kissing your head and humming the Tetris theme while you wrapped yourself around me after we fucked for the third time straight._

_You were mine then, and I was yours.  
_

* * *

**III. Rainbow in the Dark**

When Snake returned from his flashback, he was seeing virtual stars dotting the space past the Ominous Moon. They faded fast and were replaced by cartoon stars as he absorbed Bowser's up-tilt. The Koopa King then leapt into the air for another aerial slash. Having predicted this, Snake air-dodged, but Bowser's next down-smash sent him spinning wildly off the ship.

Snake looked at the direction he'd been knocked in. Sure enough, as he'd planned, his trajectory was taking him towards his beloved Samus Aran.

_Please, let me see her face... even if it's the last time._

Back on the _Great Fox 2_, everyone stared in awe at the Koopa King, who was seemingly glowing with an aura of awesomeness.

"Now release my son!" Bowser yelled at the sky.

"Ah, that was refreshing," said the Ominous Voice. "I do believe this is the best battle data we've ever received from you, Bowser. It has fully exceeded our expectations."

"So you'll release Junior? And you'll tell us the truth about why we're here?"

"The first one, possibly. As for the second, not quite. You see, now that your file is complete, I'll be needing you to work with us now."

"WHAT?"

"We went through this same thing last time, silly bean. Allow me to jog your memory."

At this, Bowser's eyes rolled into the back of his skull. He felt his brain convulse with waves of memory. It may have been some sort of induced hallucination, or it may have been the truth. It wasn't easy to tell. But everything seemed to line up.

Triggered by some sort of contraption, Bowser had once fought against his very friends, under threat of force.

"You OK, Bowser?" Peach asked, gently.

"Y-yeah," he replied, his eyes reddening. "Take Junior and get out of here."

"But what about-"

"Do it!" he yelled, just as Kamek's head plopped down and landed on the flight deck, followed by a showering of the late Magikoopa's blood.

The Smashers looked up to Bowser's flagship.

From the airship's starboard side, Professor E. Gadd laughed. "There's no turning back now!" he cackled. His cackling was echoed by a mischievous-looking dog standing beside him.

Out of nowhere, a colorful Duck swooped down and dropped a helmet onto Bowser's head.

"You can run, Smashers, but you can't hide!" he laughed as Bowser fought against the helmet's influence. The Koopa King was being turned into a bloodthirsty war machine.

"Fuck this!" Link yelled. After dodging a cannonball from King K. Rool's blunderbuss, he dashed towards Bowser Jr., and nabbed the Koopa kid with his hookshot.

The twin Electrodes spun around, still tethered to the Koopa's nipples.

"Squeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhh!" Bowser Jr. bawled.

Link slashed off the copper wires and the Electrodes flew into the Chorus Kids and blew them up rather splendidly. As the trio struggled to return, Takamaru's shuriken grazed Link's face, drawing blood underneath his eyes. The Hylian, enraged, recalled his favorite line from Ben Stiller's "Zoolander".

"No one makes me bleed my own blood!"

Link tossed Bowser Jr. to Zelda and dashed forth to match his Master Sword against Takamaru's katana.

After countering Dark Samus' energy blasts, Peach ran in to take care of King K. Rool, whose cannonballs were becoming a nuisance.

Meanwhile, the Elite Beat Agents were ganging up on Yoshi; while one held him down, the other two were using Disco Point moves to crush his tortured skull.

"UWAAAAHHH!" Diddy Kong cried. He leapt upon Agent J's shoulders and took a massive bite out of his jugular vein.

"HOLY SHIT!" the Agent cried. "NOT RABIES! NOT AGAIN!"

Donkey Kong, too, charged in to protect the Yoshi. He used his Hand Slap, pounding the ground to knock the Agents into the air. A powerful Head Butt was followed up with a fully charged Giant Punch.

Agent Chieftain, who dodged the Head Butt, caught Diddy with a Raise the Roof move, and then tossed him onto the floor, where he wheedled the primate with a Helicopter Spin. Diddy cried out as the Agent then stomped him with the Charleston. The Kong finally created his opening by slipping a banana peel underneath his adversary's shoes. The bearded Agent fell onto his back and Diddy wasted no time in mounting his chest, breaking his rib cage, and ripping his heart out.

Wario charged in to break up the fight atop his Chopper, running over Diddy and catching the primate's face underneath his back wheel.

Yoshi's tossed egg stunned Wario, who then slipped on the gas. The dino leapt in the air and skull-smashed Wario off his ride. The obese biker landed into Zelda's sweet-spotted Lightning Kick, a powerful attack that sent him soaring.

"Look out!" Bowser Jr. cried, and pulled Zelda out of the line of fire as Dark Samus' energy beam attacks nearly hit them.

Zelda retaliated with Din's Fire, stunning Dark Samus. She handed Bowser Jr. to Yoshi.

"Cut his restraints," she told the Yoshi as she ran over to see if there was anything she could do to help Bowser.

She tried to yank off E. Gadd's mind-controlling helmet, but it had anchored itself onto his head with its spikes, like a crown of thorns. Zelda then placed her hands directly onto Bowser's head and attempted to break him from his spell. Eyes closed and with an aura surrounding both of them, she focused intently, but nothing was working.

"Daddy's in pain!" the now-freed kid yelled, shielding Zelda from Wario's thrown bike parts. "Is there anythin' ya can do?"

Bowser's voice was strained. "It's no use, Junior. Get her outta here."

Since she wasn't leaving his side, Bowser grabbed Zelda's frail arm in his giant one. "It's too late, Zelda... I don't have long... I can feel it overwhelming me. Use Farore's Wind! Live! Live that you might fight another day!"

"I can't..." she yelled. "We need you!"

"What the world needs now is love, sweet love," he said, and then bit his arm to prevent himself from knocking her away. "It's… taking a hold! Gwaaaaarrr!"

Just then, the Duck returned, carrying a Smash Ball between its webbed feet. From Bowser's airship, E. Gadd was laughing maniacally as the bird neared Bowser.

Agent J shook Agent Chieftain, whose heart was regenerating. "C'mon boss! Don't die on us now!"

"Someone get that Smash Ball!" Zelda yelled, just as King K. Rool's Golden Hammer knocked Peach across the deck. Once again it was Bowser Junior who pulled the Hylian Princess out of the way.

Peach bounced off of the railing and into the Male Wii Fit Trainer, whom she thwacked away with her crown.

The Male Wii Fit Trainer rebounded and fell into Deep Breathing, then charged up his Sun Salutation ranged attack.

"What's _your_ excuse, huh?" Peach growled. "Did they promise you better exercise equipment?"

"You look like you could do with a good weight loss regimen," the Male Trainer chided her. "All that cake is getting to your butt."

"Ugh!" she groaned, and dodged his energy ball. "This is not a good day to be getting on my bad side!"

Peach closed in and tossed a turnip at the Trainer. With him stunned, she performed her down-aerial kicks to knock him to the floor. A quick dash attack ensued, sending the Male Trainer up against the wall. He tried falling into the Plow pose (down-tilt), but Peach's Golf Club made short work of him, catching the Trainer on the chin and knocking his jaw out of place.

As he recovered, his follow-up Sun Salutation barely missed Peach, who made for the returning Smash Ball; Donkey Kong had just thwacked it in her direction.

Takamaru's shuriken hit the Ball and nearly shattered it, but Link grabbed him with his hookshot and held him in a deadly combo.

"Thunderation!" Takamaru cried, before Link headbutted him and broke open his nose.

"Man, you really gotta update your cuss words to at _least _the last few decades," suggested Link.

"Ten thousand typhoons!" he yelled.

"Close, but no cigar, Captain Haddock!"

After tossing the samurai in the air and punishing him with triple up-slashes, Link lobbed a bomb at the Smash Ball.

The Female Wii Fit Trainer's aerial Yoga Pose missed the Smash Ball as it arced upwards; she grabbed Link's bomb in mid-air and tossed it straight back at him. The Hylian was lucky enough to be ready for some hot potato. He held his Shield up, letting the bomb connect with the falling Takamaru and the approaching Female Trainer.

With the samurai stunned and the female fit trainer fizzled, Link had no problem in catching both in his advancing two-hit combo and launching them away from the fray.

As for the Smash Ball, Zelda had finally acquired it with a well-placed Din's Fire, saving it from Dark Samus' Phazon Tentacle Shield. However, just before Zelda activated it, the Chorus Kids came by and beat it out of her. She managed to keep them from snatching it up, but it began hovering towards Bowser.

With a simple aerial spin, Bowser nabbed the Smash Ball. His eyes red and his voice having morphed into a maniacal laugh, he began transforming into Giga Bowser.

"Evacuate!" cried Peach, who used her spinning down-smash to send the off-key Chorus Kids flying again, and leapt over Wario's deck-clearing fart.

Yoshi grabbed Bowser Jr. and ran for Bowser's Koopa Clown Copter, but King K. Rool had already hijacked it and was riding around, pissing off its edge.

"I'm makin' it rain, bitches! Muahahaha!"

"Sick! That's just sick!" Peach protested, holding up her parasol. She ducked under a flying Diddy Kong, whom Elite Beat Agent Derek had just launched with a breakdancing backspin.

"Personally, I'd say it's more gnarly," said Bowser Jr. "Anyway, I've got a plan. Play along."

He turned to see Giga Bowser tormenting Donkey Kong. "Hey, Daddy! Mommy says you didn't pay her child support last month!"

"Das bullshit and she knows it!" Giga Bowser yelled in a deep baritone that could have put Benedict Cumberbatch out of business.

"You never played catch with me as a kid! An' you touched me in the bathtub, too! I hate you, Daddy!"

"Stop makin' shit up, you ungrateful brat! All it'd take is one call to my lawyer to disown your ass! You wanna be sucking Goomba cock for cheap back-alley blow? I'll fuckin' snap that paintbrush o' yours in half!"

Bowser Jr. quivered. "D-d-daddy's never talked to me like that before."

"Yoshi!" (He's not himself, kid! He's berserk!) screamed Yoshi as he held Bowser Jr. in front of him, shell-first, like a shield.

"COME TO PAPA!"

As Giga Bowser ran towards his son, he slipped on King K. Rool's pool of urine and fell onto the deck of the _Great Fox 2_. His great weight caused a dent in the fuselage of the retrofitted Cornerian Cruiser. Before long all the combatants were fighting on slanted ground and slipping on the Kremling King's piss.

"What a-moron! Never trust a-fuckin' Kremlin!" screamed Wario as Agent J's slick boot slammed into his nose.

But Giga Bowser was not hindered. His spinning down-smash sucked in all combatants, both friend and foe, and spun them around in a spiky twister.

Link instinctively grabbed Zelda and held her close, shielding her from the worst of the damage.

"MAH BACK!" screamed Link as his spinal cord was impaled against a spike.

"Honey!" Zelda cried, and activated her Nayru's Love – a shorter-term spell than Sheik's, but one that protected them both from the next hit.

The badly damaged Wii Fit Trainers were both knocked away from the ship.

And King K. Rool just watched from the Koopa Clown Copter, laughing. He tossed his crown like a boomerang. It picked up an airborne Peach.

"Be my bride, blondie! We'll make beautiful children!"

Peach was able to influence the spinning crown into missing King K. Rool; instead, she sent herself soaring far off the deck.

"In your dreams, creep!"

"It wasn't a question! I'ma be climbin in yo' womb, snatchin' yo' innocence up, and fuckin' you right in the puss-"

His sentence never finished. Just then, a well-placed Hydro Pump knocked the Kremling King's face into the Copter's dashboard. He flipped out against the controls and crashed the Koopa Copter into Giga Bowser's nose.

"Ahhhh!" Peach cried in mid-air, until she felt herself make a relatively soft landing within someone's waiting arms.

"My, you've a soft posterior, milady," said the friendly voice.

"Ike!" she cried, and hugged the mercenary.

Lugia's Aeroblast knocked the poor Chorus Kids away again.

Bowser Junior and Yoshi looked up to see three arriving Pokemon riders taking control of the battle.

Ganondorf leapt off of Charizard (whose back was rather sore) and performed a mid-air Warlock Punch, hitting Wario straight in the gut and knocking him and Agent J into deep space.

"I'm here to rescue you!"

"Hey, that's my line!" cried Falco over Ganon's tablet's communicator. "You stole Captain Falcon's moveset already. Do ya gotta steal my catchphrases, too?"

Ganon laughed as his Wizard's Foot punctured Dark Samus in the chest. "The whole realm of men is mine for the taking," he said, having regained the confidence he'd temporarily lost from baring his embarrassing passion project to his friends earlier. "Besides, I thought ya preferred the air."

"Goddamn it, Ganon!"

"Ya snooze, ya lose, Lombardi."

An arrow loosed from Link's bow stunned Dark Samus, giving Zelda a free hit to knock her beyond the point of return with her fully-charged Smash attack.

The next Giant Punch from Donkey Kong's oversized fist knocked Agents Derek and Chieftain off the deck. DK beat his chest in celebration.

Game and Watch had Kyogre use another Hydro Pump, this time directly into Giga Bowser's mouth. The flood of high-pressure water knocked the giant Koopa onto his back.

"Good timing, fellas. But let's get out of here!" yelled Link, who kicked Takamaru far away and led the Smashers towards the two crashed Koopa Clown Copters.

"Ugh, I really don't want to ride _that one_," Zelda said. "It reeks of Kremlin piss."

"Yoshi!" (Me neither!)

"Count me out," Ganon quickly quipped.

"UWEEEAAAAHH!" Diddy Kong cried, making an "X" with his arms as DK, now suddenly without enemies to obliterate, turned catatonic again.

"Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine," Link grumbled, and they all squeezed into the other Copter and began to take off.

Ike had Lugia use another Aeroblast, which sent King K. Rool's cannonball flying back into his face. The Kremlin was apparently the last one standing.

The three Pokemon flanked the Copter, providing cover as it took off from the _Great Fox 2_.

Bowser Jr., Zelda, Link, DK, Diddy, and Yoshi all looked back sadly at their Sky Admiral. Dozens of Electric Pokemon were tying Giga Bowser down with electrified restraints, all under Takamaru's orders. King K. Rool had joined him on the deck, looking downtrodden. He'd respected Bowser; this inhumane manhandling wasn't the kind of treatment he had in mind for the guy.

"I can't watch," Bowser Jr. said, trembling in Zelda's arms.

The brunette stroked his hair. "I'm sorry."

"Don't talk like that, guys!" Link cried. "We'll get him back!"

Bowser Jr. fist-pumped. "Amen, bro! All we gotta do's retake my dad's flagship!"

But Prof. E. Gadd was not finished. He tossed the Duck Hunt Dog and Duck down from Bowser's airship to attack the approaching force.

"Fly, fly, fly! I'll get you, my pretties, and your wicked Yoshi, too!" E. Gadd cackled.

Yoshi readied an egg. "Yoshiiiiii!" (Well fuck you too, bitchtits!)

"Better not miss, dude!" said Link.

It all happened so fast. Yoshi's egg flew into the air and smacked the Duck in the face. The Dog, who was hanging onto its thin legs, dropped onto the Koopa Clown Copter and flipped out on the combatants, gnawing and biting at everything that moved.

"Ahhh, get 'im off me!" yelled Link as the Dog latched onto his leather bracers and bit down into his flesh.

He slammed his Hylian Shield on the crazy canine's skull repeatedly, but it did nothing. The Dog then leapt to Yoshi and began gnawing through the dinosaur's throat.

"Yoooooshi!" (Fuckin' A! Goddamned mutt!)

Just as the Dog made the leap to Zelda, however, Diddy was able to grab him. He shoved his Peanut Popper down the Dog's throat and pulled the trigger until it went click.

The Duck Hunt dog imploded from being filled up with thousands of peanuts. Its guts erupted like a stream of confetti, and then pieced back together as he regenerated. The Duck flew down and picked him up, and the two flew off towards the _Great Fox 2_.

"He healed! Does that mean he's one of us?" asked Link. "Or do they have some sort of special ability?"

"Better not to dwell on it too much. We'll find out sooner or later," Zelda replied.

The Koopa Clown Copter arrived on the deck of the flagship. Lugia and Charizard landed in front of Professor E. Gadd. Ike, Peach, and Ganon descended their mounts while Game and Watch continued patrolling the area astride Kyogre.

Ganon grabbed the diminutive Professor and shoved him up against the airship's main mast. He beat him senseless before the old man could even speak, a tactic to get the other Smashers off to the bridge to plot their next move.

"Don't break him too hard," said Link, who was holding open the door. "He's gotta talk."

Ganon smirked at his old nemesis. "Since when have you ever taken a beating from me that you couldn't recover from?"

"True dat. You the wizard."

"I'm staying," said Peach, who approached the two. "I want to hear what he has to say. Most of all, I need to know what happened to Mario."

"Me, too," Zelda insisted. "I can try and read his mind. Not getting anything right now, though."

It was all Ganon could do to keep a straight face. _There might be stuff here you're better off not knowing, Princesses._

"Save the effort, Zelda," said E. Gadd. "I'm immune to yer ability."

Ganon cracked the knuckles in his free hand. "Then we'll have to do this the ol' fashioned way. What's up, Doc?"

"T-th-that's P-P-Professor to you!"

"I'm the motherfucking King of Darkness. Ask me if I give a shit."

"Do you give a shit?"

"No," Ganon replied, and then slammed the old man into the floor before him and stepped down lightly on the back of his skull. He then descended to Gadd's level and wrapped his large hand around the scientist's frail body.

"Just give me one reason to let you live, and maybe I'll think about it."

E. Gadd whispered in Ganon's ear. "I… I can help you with your visual novel…"

"What's that?"

"The stats… for all the Smash ladies… I have mountains of data…"

"Data ain't too hard to come by." Ganon said, his voice lowered. "I'll just crack open your hard drives."

"They're encrypted."

"All the better for me to torture you, m'dear."

"Wait! There's more! I can get your work distributed! It'll be played all across le Interwebs! You ever hear of _Katawa Shoujo_? _Tokimeki Check-in_?_ Steins;Gate_? _Higurashi no Naku Koro ni_? This has the potential to be _that _big!"

"And just how can I take a sniveling shithead like you by your word?"

"Because I'll give you all my Internets!"

"All of them?"

"Yes! But wait, there's more! All my base are belong to you!"

"Hmph. Desperation. Sounds like you're on your way to destruction."

Peach interjected. "What you say? No really. I can't hear you guys."

"You have no chance to survive," Gadd whispered to Ganon. "Make your time… count… join us. We have cake."

After studying his face for a second, Ganon mercilessly tilted E. Gadd's head back and yanked out his dentures, then let the old man fall onto the floor.

"Why do I get the feeling that every piece of shit coming out of your mouth is something I've heard before?!"

Gadd scrambled to place the offered dentures back into his mouth. "B-b-because you probably have. You're on _Know Your Meme _and _Urban Dictionary _every day. You want the truth? We're programs, Ganon. Programs! Created by accident and living on the whims of _Nintendo of Japan, Inc_. Not everyone can handle this kind of info. But _you _can! You were once one of us! Why do you think you're such a fucking nerd? Us otaku need to stick together. Search your feelings, you know it-"

He kicked Gadd lightly, which sent him slamming up against the mast rather powerfully. "_Puh-lease, _spare me that old spiel."

The Professor paused to cough for about ten seconds, and finally recovered. "Look. Point is, you and I, ol' whipper-snapper, we're both dreamers. Code jockeys! Creators of systems within systems."

"Still not caring."

"You programmed your Google Glass so that you can watch live video from Chibi-Robo, download said feeds, monitor your coffee pot levels, and pirate films all at the same time. Thanks to the RFID tracking devices you secretly installed in all the other Smashers, you've got a real-time Marauder's Map of the whole Smashgrounds! Those aren't skills possessed by your average, everyday supreme overlord. You were our _top dog_, Ganon!"

Ganon picked up E. Gadd and held him over a Bill Blaster, threatening to launch him from the ship. "Then why give it up? Why am I here?"

"You are here because you wanted to explore the nature of choice," said Gadd. "Not to mention, you wanted to try your hand at making friends. Has it worked?"

Ganon turned to look at Zelda and Peach.

_They probably think I'm a total creep. Captain Falcon and Little Mac have been pretty good friends to me, though. It isn't like I've really been bullied. Then again, I am a pretty imposing figure._

"You're not half as repulsive as you believe I think you are, Ganon," said Zelda. "You may be a massive pervert, but that can be said about most men."

"That's right," Peach added. "Sheik may not be a fan of yours, but I've always wanted to figure out just what makes you so obsessed with my underwear. Thing is, you're hiding in your room all the time. You haven't ever really given any of us the chance to get to know you."

At this, the Demon King couldn't help but smile. "You two have no idea what that means to me," he managed.

"It looks like your gamble paid off," said Professor Gadd.

"Ever stop to consider that maybe you're working for the wrong side?" Ganon asked him.

"All the time, sonny."

"Then help us," said Peach. "Tell us what we need to do to get our memories back and end this war."

"If only it were that simple," Gadd replied. "You see, in truth, as I was telling ol' Ganon here, yer all just characters, beta-testing a video game."

Ganon, Peach, and Zelda replied simultaneously. "What."

"That's right. The game's called Super Sma-"

Suddenly and without warning, Professor E. Gadd exploded, taking the upper half of Ganondorf's body with him.

"The hell?" Zelda screamed, wiping pieces of both Gadd and Ganon off of her dress. "They killed him!"

"UGH! We really need a change of clothes," insisted Peach, whose dress was torn, tattered, burned, and covered in piss and guts. "Like, for real."

While Gadd looked to be a total goner, Ganondorf's torso began to regenerate, rather slowly. The two women picked up his restless legs and brought him into the bridge.

"Characters in a videogame, huh?" said Peach. "What the hell was he thinking?"

"Yeah, what a far-out theory," Zelda replied.

* * *

**IV. Holy Diver**

_There's something coming back up my throat… it smells like mother… oh, wait, that's just all that blood I drank up._

Pit felt a warm feeling rising up his esophagus. Suddenly, it erupted like Old Faithful and he spewed out a whole stream of plasma all over the otherwise empty space.

"Ewwww, puuuuuke!" he exclaimed, and flapped away from it.

The ADHD-inflicted angel tried to regain some sort of focus. He checked Ganon's Google Glass accessory, but there was no map, nor a shield generator. He seemed to be stuck in a folder filled with tons of voyeur videos.

"OK Glass, show me the generator maps."

"Now loading… 'Palutena's green grass' video."

"Palutena's green _what?_" he asked, until he saw the video of himself eating out Palutena in the midst of the hedge maze. "Wow, that's pretty hot."

"PIT!"

The Goddess' telepathic message shook Pit from his daze. "Y-y-yes, milady?"

"Focus! You're way off-target! Head to your two o'clock, and mind the incoming Forces of Nature!"

"Forces of Nature? Way out here?"

"Just pay attention! Equip your fucking Guardian Orbitars and descend! Descend, or die! You have five minutes, remember?"

"Right-o!"

Pit used the Shields to defend himself from the frontal assault as he dove quickly down through the Moon's atmosphere.

_Eight thousand feet… seven thousand, five hundred… seven thousand…_

"Ahhh! I really shoulda put on some sunscreen!"

* * *

As the angel's face peeled off and re-formed itself again and again, several thousand feet away, Palutena, Little Mac, and Captain Falcon were engaged in a rather lively discussion as the _Blue Falcon _circled the Moon on autopilot. Joe Satriani was blasting from the in-car stereo.

"You know, there are times when I wonder," mused Captain Falcon, staring down at his PSP. "Have I been conditioned by the media to expect unrealistic standards of beauty? Stereotypical representations of women portray them as skinny, waifish beings. What do you think, Mac? Did playing with Barbie dolls as a young boy give you unrealistic expectations of women? Like, do you have delusions, much like I do, that ladies off the street will happily line up for the opportunity to pleasure you just because you're rich and muscular?"

"You played with Barbie dolls, brah? What the hell are you-?" Little Mac began, but then froze as he peered over the Cap's shoulder. "Whoaaaaaaa. That shit's bananas. What is it?"

"_Fat Princess: A Fistful of Cake_."

"Wait… that's supposed to be… a princess? But women don't get that fat. S'impossible."

"Maybe not the ones you've seen. If you've never laid a triple-XL sized woman, then you haven't lived, my friend."

"I don't think I'd be alive if ever I laid a woman like that! I'd be crushed to bits; that is, if she didn't eat me first."

"Now, now, Mac N' Cheese, fat shaming is_ sooooo_ late '90s. Mein Princess is a _Big Beautiful Woman_. She's voluptuous, curvaceous, and very, very giving. Big girls need love too. They all warm and fuzzy too. You can lie down on 'em, roll around on 'em, no problem."

"Let me see them flabby cheeks!" said Palutena, who was on the roof of the cockpit. She shoved her face up against the glass. Though they'd each had the incomparable pleasure of porking her earlier that day, both Little Mac and Captain Falcon both got a little excited upon seeing her luscious breasts flattened up like that. "Ohhh, is that one of those mythical fat chicks I hear so much about? A person of _Wal-Mart, _to use the parlance of our times?"

"There's nothing mythical about them!" Captain Falcon exclaimed. "Aside from Wario, have neither of you ever seen an obese person before?"

"Nuh-uh," Little Mac replied.

"Nope," said Palutena.

"If my fake memories can be believed, back on Mute City, I used to run a bar. These kinds of women showed up all the time. Most other places would turn 'em away at the door. It ain't 'coz they were tryin' to fat-shame 'em or nothin'. It's simple math. Two used barstools means one less customer. Say you're tryin' to fill up the lifeboats on the Titanic. You can bring (A) Oprah Winfrey, or (B) Mila Kunis, Denise Richards, _and_ Sarah Jessica Parker. It's an easy choice. Anyway, that's not how I ran business. Whenever it got slow, these ladies were my bread and butter. No pun intended, but man, could they eat. Hey, Mac? You there?"

"Sorry, bruva, just zoned out."

"The _fuck_? That's not like you."

"Be easy, Cap. It's your fault to begin with…" Little Mac said in between deep breaths. He was sweating rather profusely. "I'm kind of turned on by this game. That princess… she looks like she'd really know how to suck a dick."

"I don't think sucking's the problem. You'd never get it back. Look, go ahead. Try the game if ya want. Most of the time you're fightin' other dudes, anyway. Just make sure you don't get my handheld all skuzzy," said Captain Falcon.

"Don't mind if I do, cuz'," Little Mac replied, and put on some hand sanitizer before the Cap passed over his PSP.

* * *

Meanwhile, about three thousand feet above the Moon's surface, none other than Pit himself was dive-bombing through the atmosphere, Poke Balls in hand.

He'd finally spotted one of the Moon's humongous shield generators emitting the electric barrier that coated the sphere in high-powered currents.

"Target in sight!" he said, having spotted the first generator silo. "OK Glass, set the first waypoint! I'm goin' in!"

Just as Pit adjusted his flight path, however, his wings were clipped by an incoming lightning bolt.

"Did you really think it was going to be that easy?" the Ominous Voice boomed.

"Uh, there really wasn't anything easy about it," said Pit, who reflected the next strike.

At this point, he spotted the Ominous One rapidly approaching, gaining on him even as his hair glowed bright yellow. More than one lightning spear made contact with his wings, and regenerating them was starting to slow Pit down.

_This isn't lookin' good, _he thought. "Palutena! Is there anything you can do?"

But there was no reply from his Goddess, nor the _Blue Falcon_.

Realizing that he wasn't likely to last long against this opponent, the angel loaded up his Twinbellows Cannon with several Pokeballs and fired them towards the surface.

"Go go Pikachu! Go go Greninja! Go go Jigglypuff!"

The Ominous Voice groaned. "How about Go go gadget fuck yourself," it said, and blasted him with another lightning spear.

* * *

Just then, Palutena spotted an impossibly dark sphere coming at them from somewhere above the Moon's surface. It was approaching fast, and sucking in all debris in its path. A miniature black hole.

"Incoming!" she cried, and placed her palms together to surround the _Blue Falcon _in a shield of light.

_My powers may be at their limits, _she thought, _but there can be miracles if we believe… united by Faith, we can overcome anything together. The law of attraction states that the laws of nature will bend to those who know its secrets. All it takes is the power of positive thinking._

"Do you believe in your Goddess?" she asked both Captain Falcon and Little Mac.

"More than I do the existence of fat chicks," replied Little Mac.

"You can do better than that!" she boomed, and tousled her long green hair. She then pulled out a Smash Ball from her pocket, stuck it between her breasts, and crushed it. "Increase the faith! Positive Vibes Ultra Super Pussy-Juice Powered Mega Laser Beam, FIRE!"

Palutena's eyes glowed bright white as she fired forth a Black Hole of her own – much smaller than the approaching one – and followed up by shooting a high-powered antimatter laser through it.

She held her breath. _Take that, Pit, and your stupid logic! You can't fuck with the law of attraction._

Both Black Holes collapsed upon one another, seemingly canceling one another out.

"Ha!" she laughed, but her confidence shattered with a shocking realization. A fragment of space had just been torn clean open, triggering a complete quantum collapse. The incoming shockwave from the antimatter explosion was about to wipe them all out.

"Brace yourselves!" cried Captain Falcon. "Palutena, get in the cockpit!"

"No," she said, and donned wings of her own. After floating off the _Blue Falcon_, the Goddess held up a Divine Shield to protect her boy-toys."We'll _all _die if I stay in there, boys. Nothing can touch me, so long as I emit good vibes. Or do you doubt the protection of your Goddess' sacrament?"

Little Mac strapped up his seatbelt. "I don't think it works like that! Plus, Pit needs you to stay safe! Without your Power of Flight, he's fucked!"

She smiled as her shield reflected the brunt of the explosion, saving the _Blue Falcon_.

"Oh, yeah. I... almost forgot... Pit! Wherever you go, whatever you do… I will be right here, waiting for you."

"Lady Stardust!" he cried. "I can't hear you! What are you saying?"

"I'm trying to say that I love you. Thank you for being mine, even if it was only for a little while."

The Goddess' shield gave way, and she vanished in a blinding explosion. Neither Little Mac nor Captain Falcon could see what happened.

"Lady Stardust!" Captain Falcon cried, real tears flowing down his face. "Palutena! Palutena, come in!"

But there was no answer.

And far below the _Blue Falcon_, Pit lost his wings. He began tumbling down towards the surface at a ridiculous speed.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! :D If you thought this chapter was insane, just wait till the next one. I promise you, it won't take nearly as long as the last update! ^^;; As always, reviews keep me going, so please let me know what you all are thinking! Even if it's a short one, it means a lot to me! Have a great week!


	22. Master of Puppets

**A/N: **Man, gotta love the crazy stuff surrounding Smash 4. Following the hype train has kind of been eating into my life. The game really needs to come out ASAP. :O Shulk being announced was a major "Hell yeah!" moment. It looks like he's gonna be a lot of fun to play as. Yeah, so this chapter was a _lot_ tougher to write than I anticipated. It also shifts wildly in tone between each of the Acts, from exposition and drama (Act I), to comedy (Act II), to action (Act III). Don't worry if there's stuff in Act I that's confusing, it's not like there's going to be a test afterwards. ;) Enjoy!

**DISCLAIMER:** This is a work of fiction. All characters in this story, including those based off of real people, are not in any way meant to be taken as attempts to accurately represent such people. The portrayal of Nintendo as a company is also based upon a fiction. I intend no libel or defamation to anyone, living or dead.

******sippurp123:** Awww! Thank you so much! So glad you enjoyed that Snake x Samus lemon. In retrospect, I kinda wish I hadn't just summarized a whole lot of stuff that happened afterwards. It might be a little awkward if I revisit Brawl's time period. But I can get over that.

**Mewlover101:** Wish granted! I'm very stoked that you enjoy Mega Man. I was actually afraid he might not be that popular since he's totally OOC, but I love writing him. And thanks!

**ParadoxicOrder8:** Thank you for your review! ^^ Glad you are enjoying the story!

**DaftKefka:** Thanks for your reviews! Hope you're still reading!

**CORRECTIONS:** Wow! So I guess it slipped my mind that Donkey Kong Jr. actually became the Donkey Kong we know and love today! That's what happens when you write for the quick and easy joke. I changed Giga Bowser's line to Bowser Jr. to reflect that.

The final portion with Palutena and the Blue Falcon was also edited to reflect Palutena's latest "nickname" and the fact that they were communicating telepathically. I tightened up a few other lines that needed some grammatical TLC.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

**Master of Puppets**

**I. The Memory Remains**

Even as Pit burned up upon re-entry, he held fast onto his messenger bag filled with Poke Balls. Little did he know he was about to partake in his own version of the Ice Bucket challenge.

The angel plopped headfirst into a giant airtight sack filled with ice water, one the size of a hot air balloon.

"Ahhhhh! COOOOLLLD!" he bellowed, flopping around like a fallen grandmother. The frostbite working on his burned skin had the angel squirming in absolute agony.

"Wow. Such dramatics. Very pain. You done yet?" asked a familiar figure, who was lounging atop an inflatable pool lounge chair sipping on one of two Bloody Marys.

"Pitoo?" Pit asked, shivering.

The other guy held up a palm to say hi. "At least you remember me. Hurry up, dummy. We haven't got all day."

The aching angel clambered on over to the inflatable bed and pulled himself up on it. Dark Pit held both drinks in the air as Pit plopped on down next to him, wrapped his shivering body in the available beach towel, and caught his breath.

"What happened… to Palutena… I lost… Power of Flight… she said something…"

_I'm trying to say that I love you. Thank you for being mine, even if it was only for a little while_. Those were the words.

"I thought you could tell me," said Dark Pit. "Her psychic signal got weak, and then disappeared. Maybe she had to use all her magic to fight something."

"But she… wouldn't just… drop me… like a hot potato."

"Probably not, Shatner. It coulda been life-or-death."

"There were words… Like she was… tryin' to say goodbye."

"Eh, most likely she figured _you_ weren't gonna make it. In any case, there's no use worrying about her right now."

But there was no way Pit could allow himself to rest. Not until he knew her fate. Glancing upwards, he noticed that the giant teardrop-shaped pool was being carried by an army of Centurions, who were struggling to support them now that his own weight was added to the mix.

"Sad. Seems my intel was right. You're a moron," observed Dark Pit, taking a long look at Pit's mostly-full bag of Poke Balls. "Why didn't you toss all of them?"

"Didn't… have the time… tell me… what the hell… are you doing here…? You should be… fightin' with us…"

"Talk later. I'm flyin' ya to the surface one you're recovered. That's Maxim Tomato juice in your Bloody Mary. Bottoms up, man."

* * *

The Ominous Overlord, having witnessed Pit's loss of wings, watched in pitying (sorry) agony as the angel fell into a free-fall thousands of feet above the Moon's surface.

Of course, this was not what it looked like on the Camera Lakitus' feed. As projected on the planet's surface and, eventually, to the Smashers themselves, the hooded Overlord's avatar appeared to be cackling maniacally, arms crossed. Cutaway shots showed the Antimatter Explosion all but wiping Palutena off the roster. The Goddess being gone was a dispiriting sight.

"Woe to you, O Smashers! Woe! See what has become of your precious Goddess and Angel! They and the bulk of your invasion team have fallen to the might of your Ominous Leadership! Give up this fruitless quest! Return to your regularly scheduled slavery, or suffer the same fate!"

After recording the line about three times, the Overlord cleared his throat and rubbed his temples.

"Ugh, that last one really took a lot out of me. I don't know if I've got another one."

"It's kosher, sir. The video looks great. Shall we send it out to the Smashers?" asked Agent Copper, his tall and very capable digital secretary.

"Save it for now," the Overlord responded. "Wait until they've gathered. Wait until they have a little bit of hope."

The overarching feeling that this aspect of his work inspired was relatively unpleasant.

"Has Pitoo-?"

"Yes, sir," Agent Copper replied. "They've made contact."

"Good. I'm taking ten to rest my eyes. Have the Hands proceed as planned. Aim my lightning spears at the _Blue Falcon _if it dares to get close," he instructed his secretary.

"Of course, sir."

After passing over control of his Super Saiyan avatar, the Overlord performed the hand motions to bring up his menu, terminated the simulation, and removed himself from the virtual reality module.

* * *

**Sometime in 2014**

**3:36 AM**

**Bandai-Namco Games Development Building  
Shinagawa, Tokyo, Japan**

Exhausted from nearly twenty-two straight hours of work, the Ominous Overlord, Masahiro Sakurai, removed the Virtual Reality helmet from his head and placed a warm towel across his eyes.

_We're finally nearing the release of the 3DS version. I just have to hold on a little longer._

As his eyes adjusted to his dimly lit office, Mr. Sakurai took another swig of coffee and glanced away from the tabs of befuddled and hyped-up _2chan_ forum posts on one window to the framed photograph of the late, great Gunpei Yokoi on his desk. It was getting to be that time of night where he'd fall into a kind of trancelike reverie.

Mr. Sakurai stood to stretch his legs, left the office, and paced the adjacent server room as he recalled some of the wise man's words.

He allowed the pangs of pain and guilt he felt for his actions, and the sorrow over his esteemed colleague and mentor's untimely death, to wash over him.

* * *

**May 29, 1992**

**8:42 AM**

**Nintendo Headquarters Main Building  
Kyoto, Japan**

Still reeling over his encounter with a very convincing example of artificial intelligence in the form of none other than Mario Mario himself, Masahiro Sakurai couldn't help but amble on over to pour himself another cup of whisky, but Mr. Miyamoto stayed his hand.

"Allow me," he said, and poured for both of them as well as Mr. Yokoi.

President Yamauchi had left the scene not five minutes prior, and taken Mr. Iwata with him to pontificate about Nintendo's grand plans for future acquisitions. Mr. Miyamoto and Mr. Yokoi made up some excuse about needing to work on _Super Mario Kart _in order to buy a little more time to explain the situation to HAL Labs' _wunderkind_.

Miyamoto began. "As we were saying, our friend Mario here is an emergent lifeform. He was created entirely by accident, and we may never have known of the potential for his existence if it were not for Mr. Yokoi."

Realizing that was his cue, Mr. Yokoi paused from rummaging through his briefcase. "Are you familiar with the term 'Chaos Computing', Mr. Sakurai?"

Sakurai furrowed his brow. "Only in theory, sir. The idea is centered around automation resulting from a strong sensitivity to initial operating conditions. It's similar to a logic gate. By setting very specific beginning and ending parameters, a computer, on its own, can develop variable and complex solutions to problems that would otherwise require a large degree of trial and error."

Mr. Yokoi blinked. "Where did we get this kid, again?"

"Isn't he gorgeous?" Miyamoto joked, and then put his hands on Mr. Sakurai's shoulders. "It's a bit embarrassing, but since Mr. Iwata and Mr. Yokoi sure as hell can't explain this 'chaos' thing to me in simple Japanese, maybe you can. I just can't believe this bogus about life emerging from randomness. Primordial soup is one thing. It holds up as a theory. But a digital version of that? I don't buy it."

"Randomness isn't exactly how it works, sir," said Sakurai, "Put simply, the desired parameters are set, and the computer creates countless artificial intelligences. Successful programs are effectively 'bred' with sister programs until the intended result is achieved. A simple example might be automating a walk cycle for a 3D model."

Sakurai then borrowed two artists' mannequins from Miyamoto's shelf and used them to illustrate his point. "In this case, the first generations of programs would start out inching forward and crawling. The best among them will be combined in ways that promote random mutations. Maybe the fifth or sixth generation might be able to start walking. And even then, their walk may resemble that of a zombie. But once you have, for instance, one program that can sort of walk and one that can stand and balance upright, the two can be intensively 'bred'. Eventually, their digital offspring will produce an AI capable of not only walking like a human, but running and jumping like one, too."

"Well said, Mr. Sakurai," said Mr. Yokoi. "The next step, of course, would be to get them to communicate. Of course, we imagined the AI would be limited to simple commands and inputs, whereas Mario here is capable of abstract thinking."

"Precisely, sir. None of this can come to explain what I saw just now." said Mr. Sakurai. "Even if you could use the combined power of our servers, there had to have been a programmer, a creator who set this whole thing into motion. There is no way this happened on its own."

"That was my stance as well, just a few months ago," said Yokoi. "A computer is not supposed to do anything it's not programmed to do, let alone create life. But this idea of breeding AI… I was intrigued to see how far we could go. The uncertainty of the results was probably what drew me to the concept from the get-go. Back in '86, I commissioned a number of up-and-coming software engineers interested in Chaos Computing to code in programs that would allow us to effectively create self-teaching, self-improving AI."

"But why?" Mr. Sakurai asked. "That sounds like it could be potentially dangerous."

"Humor us, please," said Mr. Yokoi. "Imagine a scenario in which you would never have to program an AI's movements. Imagine CPUs being able to learn and adapt with the players, even react to stimuli and changing environments. You could design a game that played itself continuously, one that could, if left alone, test itself in every way imaginable. With your character doing the work for you, you would never have to manually debug a game again. Wouldn't that change the course of the entire industry?"

"Indeed, sir. But at our current level of technology I would think it a pipe dream."

"I'd feared as much. The work wasn't easy. By using _Donkey Kong _as a template and setting to work on nights when the server rooms were idle, I went through any number of these experimental programs, trying to create a Mario that could feasibly learn to play the game on his own. But I'm an engineer, not a programmer. I could only get so far with my limited knowledge. That's when Mr. Iwata came in, with his software background. He wondered if we could have three of the most promising Chaos programs run equations _on each other_. The idea was that by using each of the programs to constructively influence the other two, their progress towards that magic combination might be accelerated. The law of averages was on our side. We dubbed it the _Chaos Automation Stabilizer _Project, or _CAST_, for short. After four months of work, we deemed it a failure, but kept the programs running anyway."

"Fascinating," said Sakurai. "You kept your hands-off and decided to let the programs co-develop one another via dynamic feedback loops."

"It was more of a web than a loop, actually. This all came to a head one fateful late night in March of '88 where we made two wonderful mistakes. The first was to leave _CAST_ running with its final conditions rather loosely defined. We'd simply told the AI character to return to a neutral state. It sounds so simple, in retrospect. As for our second mistake, we forgot to switch off the servers before leaving. Some sort of cosmic serendipity struck, and _CAST_, left to its own devices, evolved into something beyond our understanding."

"It was ironic, yet fitting, that I should be the one to discover our digital friend," said Miyamoto, who had never looked prouder of his mentor. "The morning after this miraculous moment of creation, I came in early to see a game of _Donkey Kong_. It was the Kill Screen. The game had been completed multiple times, see. And there, lost amongst the trash heap of pixels, hopped our tiny Jumpman. He was bouncing with all his might, excited as a newborn!"

Mr. Yokoi laughed as he picked up the story. "As for me, naturally, I ran to work in the morning upon realizing my mistake at leaving the servers on. Not in my wildest dreams had I expected that our Mario had come to life, let alone become a prodigy at _Donkey Kong!_ We didn't know what to do. Who would? The three of us hastily worked on finding ways to communicate with him via text. In the meantime, we discovered that we could easily plug him into _Super Mario Bros. 3_, effectively allowing him to play-test the games for us."

Sakurai furrowed his brow. "How?!"

"On a floppy disk. He was barely over a megabyte at the time. But the more he experiences, the more data he accumulates, and the more synapses form in his digital brain. He's currently on five floppies. Pretty soon we'll need to utilize entire hard disks," said Mr. Miyamoto.

Mr. Yokoi played with the Rubik's Cube on Mr. Miyamoto's coffee table. "Incredible. It took tens of thousands of years for the human intellect to develop. In the digital realm, those numbers have been exponentially lowered, to the point where we've been able to observe progress at the macro level."

"We're rambling again," Mr. Miyamoto observed with a laugh. "The boss would have cleared his throat by now."

"Ah, that reminds me! As you can tell, Mr. Sakurai, we've been hiding the data from President Yamauchi."

"Our President would not see Mario as a lifeform," said Miyamoto. "With respect to a man in his position, from years of working together, we know his character all too well. He would exploit Mario to his utmost extent. I'm very glad Mr. Yokoi agreed that we should keep this between the two of us. He knew how much it would mean. Mario is like a son to me. In the name of streamlining development, however, we've recently decided to inform some of our closest people. You included."

Mr. Yokoi continued. "Naturally. One day, despite our best efforts, the secret may be out. If and when that happens, I would like for the whole world to know about _CAST_, in the hopes that a charter may be passed to defend the rights of digital lifeforms. But _we_ can't be the ones to tell. As archaic as it sounds, it's in breach of company policy. I'd rather not end up on a Yazuka hitlist."

It was a known fact that Mr. Yamauchi was rather close to the mob, but Masahiro didn't see this as a legitimate reason for silence.

"No offense, sirs," said Mr. Sakurai. "But I believe this discovery is too big to keep under wraps."

"On the contrary," said Mr. Miyamoto. "Think about it for a while and you'll realize it's too big not to. Humanity is not in its best place right now; we're a planet of financial warlords and nuclear giants. _CAST's _implications stretch far beyond the gaming industry. The ability to create free-thinking AI… it's easy to imagine it being abused by, for instance, the military, or terrorist organizations. Digital life forms might change economies, even put millions out of work. If that happens, we could see an AI holocaust. Mr. Sakurai, we don't understand these life forms. We don't know what they're fully capable of. The world isn't ready for them. Not yet."

"Them? You mean to say that Mario is not the only one?"

Mr. Yokoi nodded as he put down the solved Rubik's Cube. "Shortly after our realization with Mario – and this happened completely on its own, mind you – we discovered that Donkey Kong himself had gained sentience! Though he wasn't playable in his first game, the computer-built code had warped beyond our control. It took on a mission of its own, one opposed to absolute neutrality, and that mission was to _create life_. Every one of our characters was coming to life. Link and DK are downstairs. Samus resides in my office. That brings me to the reason why we wanted you here _today_, of all days. Kirby's ready for extraction. He should live under HAL's roof."

After saying this, Mr. Yokoi brought out a shoebox filled with 1.44MB floppy disks and hard disk drives and handed them to Mr. Sakurai, who held it as if it were the Ark of the Covenant itself.

"This… this is Kirby?"

"You betcha. As well as a working version of _CAST, _and the files you'll need to set up his home. I believe Mr. Iwata already has the equipment."

While Sakurai was beyond delighted upon hearing that his creation now had a life of its own, he scratched his head at the implications of Mr. Yokoi's words. "Hold on. You said _every one _of the characters influenced by _CAST_ comes to life. Does this mean that every Koopa and Goomba in every Mario game… are they being killed? Do they live and die all those times?"

"Yes and no," said Mr. Yokoi. "It's not as simple as all that. We've done some tests, and the results are puzzling. Most non-player characters share their consciousness with every other instance of itself. So, take your average Goomba. They're all based off the same programming and design. While each one may think of itself as an individual, in truth they contain all the history of every other Goomba in our servers. Our current theory is that they don't actively experience this history because the collective data is beyond their capacity to process. So to themselves, they are individuals, though in actual computing terms, they are a collective. Confused yet? I don't blame you. Similarly, every single iteration of Mario contains the history of every other Mario, no matter the physics or gameplay. We've done every test. For instance, we have observed and recorded two separate, active instances of Mario. _Super Mario Land 2_ and _Super Mario Kart_ were both created independently of one another, in different buildings even. Both Marios had different experiences with no overlap or recollection of the other… until the night cycle. The next morning, without any contact with one another, both Marios had shared memories. To this day, we cannot control this accumulation of experiences, nor explain how it works. Deleting instances also does not delete their memories. So as of now, it appears that unless we toss out our entire infrastructure, we're stuck with these digital lifeforms."

"Think of them as actors, on a grand stage," said Miyamoto, waving to Mr. Iwata as he was spotted walking down the long hallway towards the room to rejoin them.

Mr. Yokoi looked rather worried upon seeing Mr. Iwata returning. "Mr. Sakurai, I know that Mr. Iwata is your boss, but please be careful around him."

"Why?" said Sakurai. "I don't understand."

"His father's into politics. And under the President's wing, he's developed a mind for business." Mr. Yokoi looked deep into Mr. Sakurai's eyes, to drive the point home. "He's a kind man, but when pushed to his limit… I don't know. Perhaps I'm worrying a bit too much. Just keep in mind that the lives of Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, and now Kirby are not ours by right. They emerged from seemingly nothing. But now that we know they are here, we have no choice but to respect them as another form of life in this world. We must share what we have with them, and not treat them as our slaves."

"And you don't believe Mr. Iwata shares your views on this matter," Sakurai said.

A head shake followed from Shigeru. "He's got the fates of too many humans on his mind to be concerned with digital beings. This is why we wanted you in our circle. You're amazingly talented, yes, but you also have a good heart. You represent the next generation here at Nintendo. I see big things in your future. We need to ensure that you don't lose this-"

Mr. Miyamoto pointed at Mr. Sakurai's heart. "To this," he continued, pointing at Sakurai's head. "Dickens once said, there is a wisdom of a head, and a wisdom of the heart. I used to wonder when I was younger: just how is it that children can distinguish right from wrong, yet adults struggle to? From my years in the industry, I offer you this insight: it's because the dominant culture values the nonsensical busywork our minds produce, and if we spend all our effort feeding and training our minds in the name of efficiency and production, it's inevitable that they'll get in the way of our hearts."

Without further ado, Mr. Iwata pushed open the doors to Mr. Miyamoto's office, clearing the air rather violently.

"Ah, sorry about that disappearing act," he said. "The President is very enthusiastic about our releases this year. As you can tell, he's happy with Kirby's performance so far. However, he says the reports from the _Super Mario Bros. _movie set are rather disturbing."

"Oh, come on!" said Mr. Miyamoto cheerily. "Dennis Hopper's playing Koopa! How bad can it be?"

Mr. Iwata gave him another glare. "You really don't want to know. What did we _just _say about tempting fate earlier?"

"Maybe you should have been the one to direct the movie, Shigsy," said Mr. Yokoi. "You're practically a Yankee yourself. In fact, maybe it's not too late to up-end the tea table."

Shigsy shrugged. "I've got my hands full with _Star Fox, _among other things. There's enough to do at my day job. I'm not about to try and make it in Hollywood."

While the others laughed, Mr. Iwata noted how seriously Mr. Sakurai was sitting, his intent gaze somewhere far away.

"What have you two done to my top talent?" Mr. Iwata half-joked, and snapped his fingers in front of Mr. Sakurai's face. "Sakurai!"

"Sir?" the young man asked.

"Did Shigsy go on badgering you about Kirby's color again? It's gotta be pink, right?"

"I still think he'd look good in yellow when we bring him to the NES," said Mr. Miyamoto slyly. "But that's up for debate. Heck, maybe Mr. Sakurai can ask Kirby himself what he thinks."

"Perhaps that's just what I'll do. Forgive me, sir," said Masahiro, whose head was between his hands again. "Mr. Yokoi and Mr. Miyamoto have been explaining the situation to me. I'm just having difficulty taking all this in."

"That's what she said!" joked Mr. Iwata. "Honestly, though, it would have been more alarming if you were able to brush something like this off as an everyday occurrence. Sentient programming… it's enough to drive any man insane."

"Which brings me to the inevitable question," said Mr. Sakurai. "Do we have a contingency plan if they decide they don't want to work for us anymore?"

"We'll create new properties," said Mr. Yokoi. "Just like we always have."

Mr. Iwata shook his head. "Forgive my bluntness, sir, but our current IPs are the strongest in our history. It's up to us to prevent any sort of dissent on the part of our new friends," he insisted. "I suggest treating them like stars. If it ever gets to the level of rebellion, well… let's just say I'm in the process of working on a system that will be able to suppress their memories."

"But sir…" Mr. Sakurai began. "That sounds inhumane."

"Not if the alternative is to wipe the servers entirely. Life only occurs on the fringes between the extremes of order and chaos – hence, human existence. From chaos, order must be established if both are to be maintained. The AIs need to know who their bosses are. Without a system of control in place, these AI might grow to surpass us. It's important we don't let that happen, yes?"

Mr. Miyamoto and Mr. Yokoi exchanged worried glances.

"Mr. Iwata, we've discussed this," said Mr. Yokoi. "Both ours and the AIs' needs can be met without wanton manipulation. Peace must be our modus operandi. It was our agreement that such a technique is only to be used at the utmost need."

"Right, right," he said with a smile and wave, and without honorifics, rather impolitely dismissing the most senior executive in the room.

_He knows he has clout_, thought Mr. Sakurai. _Since Mr. Iwata's in on the secret and helped in the development of CAST, he's making it clear that he thinks of himself as Mr. Yokoi's equal. Disturbing._

Both offended and worried now, Mr. Yokoi sighed and finished his drink. "Anyway, my department needs to finalize a few things about the Super Scope. I'll be off, then."

"I suppose we should go as well," said Mr. Iwata, ushering Masahiro from his seat. "We've got a bit of a drive ahead of us."

Mr. Miyamoto bowed and politely walked the trio out of his office.

"Remember what I told you, Mr. Sakurai."

* * *

**2014**

And remember he did. Mr. Sakurai nodded a good night to one of his server room techs, who was nestling into his sleeping bag, and put his palm against the Solid-State Drive tower sitting right beside the main server.

_Please, everyone… make it to the base. Do that for me, if you can._

Upon noticing Samus' hard drive working overtime as she fought Krystal, Mr. Sakurai frowned and recalled her creator Mr. Yokoi's words at a hole-in-the-wall ramen shop after a long day's work, nineteen years prior, shortly before the release of the Virtual Boy.

* * *

**April 5, 1995**

**9:09 PM**

"Sometimes in life, Masahiro, as an artist and storyteller, you've got to kill your darlings. Game development can't all be sunshine and rainbows."

Mr. Sakurai topped off Mr. Yokoi's glass of warm sake. "But the last thing we want to do is torture our IPs. Where do you draw the line?"

"That's where your heart must come in. It takes true courage to stand up to your friends, as I've recently learned."

The situation was maddening. From an employee leak, President Yamauchi had just learned about _CAST _a few weeks prior. Thankfully, Mr. Yokoi and Mr. Miyamoto were able to convince him that their discovery was more recent than they had let on.

They were also trying to influence the President to not license the technology to other companies, an uphill battle for sure, especially as everyone was worrying about the _Virtual Boy's _premature release.

"The problem stems from the industry's pressure for sequels," said Mr. Sakurai. "Our characters can't catch a break."

Mr. Yokoi nodded. "I don't see that trend going away anytime soon. But hopefully, with rising development costs, you can at least experiment with newer ideas. Don't worry. I'm sure you won't be making _Kirby _games for the rest of your life. Your star's shining too brightly for that."

"You keep speaking as if you're far away. It worries me, sir."

"Ha!" Mr. Yokoi said, and downed his sake. "Blame it on the nostalgia. I plan on retiring soon."

"Come on, now. You've been saying that for years," joked Mr. Sakurai. "Say something enough times and we'll stop believing it."

"This industry's like a bulimic _Hungry Hungry Hippo_ that chews you up and spits you out. There comes to be a point where the stress is really just not worth it anymore," Mr. Yokoi replied with a sigh. "The President's been pushing us to rush the _Virtual Boy_ to market. I've told him time and again, it isn't ready. The headache issue hasn't been sorted out. In its current state, it's going to flop."

"You don't know that for sure," said Mr. Sakurai, but his limited experience with the experimental 3D console was not what he might call positive.

"I get it. He wants to reallocate resources to work on the Nintendo 64. I don't disagree that it would be a better use of our manpower. It's just a shame the thing is going to be released in the first place; it will hurt the company's rep. But I guess the President needs to have something to show for all the work. If anyone's going to take the blame for this, it should be me. I've been wanting to retire for years, anyway. It's better that I leave the company; it'll save a lot of people in Hardware from losing their jobs. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, after all."

"Live long and prosper, Mr. Spock," Mr. Sakurai joked, and toasted his mentor. "Please enjoy your retirement to the fullest. Leave _CAST_ to Mr. Miyamoto, Mr. Itoi, and myself."

"I will. Thank you."

* * *

**2014**

_And the rest was history_, Mr. Sakurai reflected.

After retiring from Nintendo and working on the Wonderswan for Bandai, Mr. Yokoi passed away in a tragic car accident on October 4th, 1997, leaving behind _CAST_ and its inherent problems as his secret legacy.

Masahiro returned to his office to inspect the damage. Admist the chaos,_ Bowser's Flagship, _the _Great Fox 2_, the _Halberd_, and what was left of the_ Comet Observatory_ were all converging at the rendezvous point, unaware of the horrors awaiting them, while the _OG Great Fox _and Toon Link's _Pirate Ship _were all caught in the heat of battle with several of their Agents.

He also noted that the thrown Poke Balls were causing quite the disturbance at Silo Gamma, not too far from the Waste Disposal Facility.

_Time to get some mileage out of my surface Agents._

"Attentions Agents Orange and White," he spoke into his microphone before putting the VR set on. "You're needed at Silo Gamma."

"Sir, yes, sir!"

* * *

**II. Welcome Home (Sanitarium)**

**2014**

**The Digital Realm**

Mega Man and Rush warily inspected the way the passed-out Rayman's head was attached to his body – with industrial bolts.

"So, what's the _fastest _way I can get my body back?" the body-swapped Blue Bomber begged.

Shrek shook his head. "Er… ratchetin' in them bolts tore open the threads on me socket wrench. We'll have ta travel that-a-ways to get a new one."

The Ogre pointed up at a rather terrifying-looking castle sitting atop a sheer hill not too far from them. As he did so, creepy organ music began to play. Bats flew out of it only to be fried by lightning strikes.

Mega Man used his telescopic eyesight to read a far-off welcoming sign. It read, "The Draculas._ UPS_ and _Amazon_, please leave boxes at door."

The shrill screaming of a hopelessly tortured soul sliced through the air.

"Whoddat?" Mega Man asked. "Sounds like someone's bein' tortured."

"Ah, apparently some employee thought it'd be a good idea to leak the roster."

"Lovely place you have here," Mega Man said, and slapped Rayman awake. "Let's get movin'. No offense, Doctor Jekyll, but I don't trust yo' schizo ass with my heavy-duty equipment."

The concussed Rayman, who'd just woken up from his self-induced nap with a bump on his head. He clutched at his now-metal chest. "Now how's that supposed to make me feel?"

"Responsible, hopefully," the android said. "That body's net worth is more than you'll ever make. Mighty smart that was, hidin' out in a missile like that."

"Whoa, _hiding_?" Rayman objected. "My good sir, I was _stuffed _in there. They wanted to get rid of me."

"I can't imagine why."

At this, Rayman slumped over, sat on a Dry Bones shell in the midst of the cesspool, and started bawling.

"Y'know… harsh as it is… that's the truth, man. You're absolutely right. I'm a fucking loser!" the mascot cried into his non-Mega Buster hand. "Just because I have multiple personality disorder… aaaaand nobody loves me… I should just kill myself right now!"

Mega Man rolled his eyes. He calmly guided the Mega Buster away from Rayman's head, and then reached over and pressed a hidden button on Rush's torso. A mini-freezer shot out from his sides.

"Hey, dude. Don't make it bad. Take an ice pop and make it better," said he.

After noticing Rush curled up by his feet, Rayman looked up to see his own hand offering him an ice pop. Shrek had already eaten his in one bite.

"Ah… thanks…" the Limbless One said, shakily accepting the frozen treat in between sniffles. "FUCK YOU! DIE IN A FIRE! No… shhh, it's okay… Mmmm. Tasty. M-m-maybe it would be best if you all left me alone for a few minutes, so I can keep the other guy away."

Neither argued. After giving the mentally unstable dude a pat on the back, Mega Man and Shrek walked off to the nuclear missile, which was slowly sinking into the stinking toxic liquid.

"What the heck happened to 'im, anyway?" Mega Man asked quietly.

"It's complicated, laddie. There's layers," explained Shrek.

"We got some time. If that 'other guy' returns, I'd rather know what I'm up against, feel me?"

"Ah, arrite. His Developers kept on usin' Mother _CAST_ to breed 'im with 'is clones, even after 'is consciousness was fully established. Think they wanted to make a character who'd obey them perfectly. The opposite 'appened. They overcooked 'is mind, way beyond repair. So Ubisoft cut 'im off from the source. Disowned the poor lad. He'll never connect with the original Rayman again."

"Say what? Mother _CAST_?"

"Don'tcha recall the matches ya fought against yer clones? She set those up. The lady what put you on the train? C'mon, you've met her fer sure."

"Nah, bro. She hot?"

"Depends on who ya ask," said Shrek, who dusted off an old Ultra Ball from his pocket. "Ey, laddie. Bet ya didn't know ya could modify these with an _Action Replay_."

He opened up the Ultra Ball and pointed it at the missile, which was promptly absorbed within its depths.

"Far out!" Mega Man exclaimed.

"So, ye'll be wantin' yer body back, right? Any plans after that?"

_Well, uh… wasn't it, like, somethin' somethin' Shield Generators? I think we was s'posed to blow 'em up or some shit. Better keep that under wraps for now._

"Yeah, 'cuz. You Moonies got any happenin' clubs up in here?"

"Ya mean like to hit people with?"

"Uh, no. I mean, like… ya know. Where the cool people hang out."

"Ah, you'll be wantin' the live meat freezer, then, with the 'Convicts on Hooks' exhibit. Ye can stone 'em in the face if ye like, for a price. I recommend bringin' your own rocks."

"The fuck? No, no, no. Someplace with hot chicks."

He pointed off to the South. "Tha's easy. Torchic nursery's over by Grumble Volcano. But if ya mean spicy Cucco, ah've got a _killer_ recipe."

Mega Man was sure he felt a fuse blow in his metal skull. "Have you ever laid _anything _in your life? No wait, don't answer that. I really don't need ta know."

"Ah. Nope. But sometimes, first thing in the mornin', mah pee-pee's all big. It's usually accompanied by thoughts of sexy lawn gnomes. So I just steam-iron 'im down 'til it gets smaller again. Protip: if ironing doesn't work, try a rolling pin."

"Never you mind," sighed Mega Man. "I give up. Do ya know a place with a Shield Generator? Preferably the kind with actual Shields, and Generators. On second thought, you got Wi-Fi? Shit, why didn't I think of _Yelp_ing it…"

"Ohhhh, ya must mean Silo Gamma! Biggest Hybrid Power Plant and Old-Timey Pub on the Moon! It's just across Dracula's. Ya know… come ta think of it, they've got socket wrenches there! For a robot, ye've got a good head on them shoulders, man! C'mon, now!"

The Super Fighting Robot beckoned forth the Limbless Loser. Joined by Rush, the trio waded through knee-deep festering marshlands to their destination. After some time they came up against a flat wall, with seemingly no defining features.

"Are ya absotively posolutely sure ya know where yer goin'?" Mega Man asked.

"Worry not. The secret entrance is around here somewhere," said Shrek, who unzipped his trousers and whipped out his Johnson as they walked up and down the solid obsidian wall. He started tapping its head against the stone.

Mega Man cringed. "Is… is that really necessary?"

"There should be some runes that read, 'Insert Penis, and enter.' Just ain't sure o' their whereabouts."

"Oh! I think I found it!" cried Rayman.

The others flocked to him, but he was already willing Mega Man's silicon-covered metal piston dick to emerge from its shell. It grew to a solid five inches, with lightly ribbed edges around its vibrating length and an extra clitoral tickler attached to the base of the shaft.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Mega Man yelled. "Don't ya _dare_ lay yer hands on my penis! That shit's custom-built!"

But Rayman simply shrugged. "Techinally, they're your hands, holmes, not mine."

Before Mega Man could reach him, Rayman guided the metal member into the hot, wet, pink hole in the wall. It took a while to get all the way in.

"Wow, that feels great!" cried Rayman, who began to hump the glory hole.

"I can't… fuckin'… just… just no..." Megaman wept. "My poor dick."

_The Legend of Zelda_'s Secret Chime melody played as the solid rock parted to reveal none other than a cross-dressing Birdo, who as the source of the pink hole was furiously sucking off the pump-action dong.

"Get away from him!" cried Mega Man.

"Him?"

"That's a dude, dude!"

"N-n-no way man, you're lying," Rayman laughed, breathing heavily from the heat of the moment. "She's pink, with eyelashes! I refuse to believe your – AH! – propaganda! Next you're gonna tell me the Holocaust was real, too!"

"Look, Broseidon, I really don't care what kind of kinky sex _you _are into, but you're currently in possession of _my _body! And THAT, my friend, is one hundred percent trap! We're talking a pre-op transsexual here. I have a right to who gets to suck _my_ dick, and it ain't gonna be _that_!"

Just then, Rayman was convinced he spotted an Adam's Apple. Out of morbid curiosity, he let his metal hand wander down below Birdo's legs. Within seconds, he stumbled upon what was left of family jewels.

"Mother of God…" he said, his eyes jolting wide open.

However, instead of going limp, without warning Rayman ejaculated heavily into the pink one's mouth. Afterwards, he fell to his knees in ecstasy.

"Why, God?" The depressed Rayman asked of the Heavens. "Why would you do this to me…? Now I gay."

"It's OK to be gay," said Birdo in a comically deep, masculine voice. He began massaging Rayman's shoulders. "There's no shame in it, honey."

"Yeah, sure, if you's well-adjusted and not a member of the Westboro Baptist Church," said Mega Man. "This guy though, he got some problems."

Rayman broke away from Birdo and slammed his head against the rock wall repeatedly. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"

Finally, Mega Man grabbed him in a choke-hold. "You may be sexually confused an' almost as dumb as a rock, but slammin' your head into the wall ain't gonna help none. If you wanna be happy, best start bein' fair to yerself."

"Fair… to myself?"

"You gotta value who you are, man, deep down inside! And even if ya really dislike yourself, at the very least, there's no place to go but up! Be proud o' your own potential! That'll be a start! C'mon, man, you're holdin' up the pace! How much more sense d'ya need me to try an' slap into ya?"

"Wow. I've… never really looked at it that way before… ahhh… the other guy… he doesn't like logic. N-n-n-n… NO! I CAN'T STOP IT!" Rayman exclaimed. He broke free of Mega Man's grab and began charging up his Mega Buster.

"Better run," Shrek instructed Birdo, and the three ran into the revealed pathway up the mountainside.

They bounded up what must have been several hundred flights of a torchlit spiral staircase, closely followed by Rayman's heavy mouth-breathing and self-cursing.

Along the way up, they passed a group that included Mii Fighter look-alikes of Barret, Cloud, and Tifa.

"I never wanna see another stairway again in my- Wait, WHO YOU?" Barret asked the group, clearly winded from a marathon stair-running session.

"It don't matter!" screamed Mega Man. "Look behind ya!"

But they were too late – Rayman's evil form had already knocked the three characters off the staircase.

It was a shame, too, since they were so close to the top of the stairwell, which was illuminated by a shaft of light from the outside. Just as Shrek, Birdo, and Mega Man were nearly out of breath, they heard a heavy clank as Rayman collapsed.

"Damn… these big steps… and these short metal limbs… my crotch… so itchy…" he panted, and then passed out.

The android and ogre both exchanged glances.

"You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" Mega Man asked Shrek.

"That we could totes feed him some laughing gas and start tickling his junk?" Birdo said, to which Shrek giggled creepily.

"No!" exclaimed the Blue Bomber. "What the… what the _fuck _is wrong with you people? Pick him up! Let's take him wid' us."

And so Shrek slung Rayman over his shoulders as they walked over some old bones, dodged a herd of Zubats, and left the doorway leading them out of the seemingly endless mountain pathway, which put them on the top of the plateau just outside of Dracula's Castle.

Once their eyes adjusted to the light, what they saw was incredibly surprising. A procession of ghastly creatures – Zombies, Skeleton Warriors, Medusa Heads, Mummies, Wolfmen, and even Haunted Knights ambled forth from the creepy front courtyard to join ranks of infantrymen advancing on a nearby Silo.

"What a horrible night to have dessert," Mega Man lamented innocently as Rayman's stomach grumbled. "I think I'm about to have a gas attack."

"Rayman always did have tummy problems, what from all the hyperventilatin' and stuff."

Mega Man could hold it in no longer. He cut the cheese, rather loudly at that. Shrek ran to his floating behind and sniffed. "Ohhh! Delightful!"

"Move it, plebs!" a voice cried from across the band of marching ghouls. "We got a battalion of Pokemon to exterminate!"

The foursome watched as none other than Agent White himself cut through the crowd and closed the distance between them. The rectangular-headed individual with a round belly, white limbs, and pink gloves and shoes was wearing the shoulder straps of a Two-Star General.

"Agent Gray, sir, Agent Shrek reporting! I have in my possession, uh…"

"Name's Blue Man, like the Group," Mega Man said, trying not to crack up at the General's comically-designed face, and failing miserably at it, even with a fist shoved in his mouth.

The very serious-looking gentleman adjusted his cape and belt and inspected Mega Man, who was about to burst out into a bad fit of The Giggles.

"Is there something _funny _on my face, Private Blueballs?" the guy asked.

Finally, Mega Man literally fell onto the floor, guffawing. He laughed until he cried, slapping the floor with Rayman's oversized hands.

"It's not _on _your face, man! It's your _whole _face! Bwahahahaha! Ah… ahhhhh… no, no really. It's awesome, as a work of abstract art," he said, and then broke into chuckles again. "I soooo dig the pink ponytail. _NOOOOT!_ What the hell kinda helmet is that? It looks like a baby bonnet! Ahahahahaha!"

Agent White crossed his arms. Two frowning lines formed his eyebrows.

"You're one to talk, _noob_. Your tacky _shonen_ head is just asking to be blown off those shoulders."

"By who, the Big Bad Wolf? It sure as hell ain't gon' be you, Mr. Mouthless! Oh, my sides!"

"Agent Shrek, just who is this affront to nature?" Agent White asked as he whipped out his tablet and studied his list of Known Smashers. "Hmmm. You do bear a slight resemblance to _this_ guy," he said, and held up a picture of Toon Link.

But Mega Man simply stood and pinched Agent White's cheeks. "Awww bro, you are just… you're _supa supa kawaii_ _desu_! Were you like, going for the _Hello Kitty_ look, or-"

At this, Agent White slapped Mega Man away, hard, and whipped out a big, round bomb.

"Implying that you can compare ME to that corporate SLUT?! THAT'S IT! YOU HAVE DRAWN A LINE IN THE SAND, SIR!" he yelled at the top of his digital lungs. "I'll have you know that I am Bomberman, The White Bomber, Defender of Planet Nebula and its Bomber people! Mine is one of the most successful franchises of _all time_, and I solemnly swear that I have full seniority over your candy ass! Now drop and give me fifty, _pleb-bot_!"

"Ah, a thousand pardons, O wise and knowledgeable sir. Truly, your lifetime sales prove that I stand no chance against your might and should be wiping your ass with silk. That said, I, uh, don't think fifty coins is an adequate donation. It ain't nearly enough for a full-on face-job. Do you even have a nose, bro?"

"How foul! Do you talk to your Creator with that mouth?"

"You mean, Dr. Light? All the time, he's cool people."

"No! Your_ human_ Creator! Unless you were built by a bunch of monkeys!"

"Bro, I can't fathom what you're on about. Prolly 'coz you keep talkin' out o' your ass. Kinda makes you wonder how ya eat, too. Is every meal o' yours an anal supplement?"

At this, Bomberman walked forward, took the pink glove off of his spherical hand, and socked Mega Man in the face with it. "Well, of course you know, this means war!"

"Ya didn't answer mah question," Mega Man said, genuinely sad.

But Bomberman had already lit his bomb and was getting ready to toss it. "We're settlin' this _NOW_, you mismatched freak!"

"Ah, hold up. If I'ma fight, I need my real body," the Blue Bomber replied. He put out Bomberman's fuse and and pointed to Rayman. "Due to an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction, that blonde gentleman is currently bolted to it."

As he had just noticed Rayman for the first time, Bomberman studied him in disbelief. "Corporal Rayman? We thought he was dead. Ugh. Headswaps take time. Can't you make do?"

"It wouldn't be a fair fight. Or is that your ploy, Boxhead? Too chicken to fight me at my full strength?"

"Stop perpetuating stereotypes! Chickens are beautiful creatures!" Bomberman growled, and then switched his chest-mounted radio to a closed channel. "Sir, are you there?"

"Shyeah, brah," was the reply.

"Well, uh, we're in need of your help. Three tiles west of Dracula's, sir. One south."

Suddenly, the ground below the group of random folks turned red. Recon jeeps escorted a trick-busting Excite Truck, which somersaulted over several moon dunes and skidded to a stop not ten feet from the rabble, kicking dust in everyone's faces. Several orange soldiers were drinking tequila in the backs of the recon jeeps blasting Pantera's "Cowboys From Hell".

A kid wielding a giant wrench descended the Excite Truck and walked on over to Bomberman, who quickly explained the situation to him. The boy then approached Shrek, Mega Man, Rayman, and Birdo.

"Whoa. Rayman? Shrek? I thought we'd seen the end of you guys."

"Fancy seein' you here, Andy, or shall I say, Agent Orange. Ye'll have ta try a lot harder than appointin' me head of a useless committee, tyin' me up, feedin' me to a Blooper, and dumpin' said Blooper at the bottom of a canyon to get rid o' me," said Shrek.

Andy looked between Bomberman and Mega Man, who were exchanging hateful glances, the passed-out Rayman slung over Shrek's shoulders, and the Birdo currently making sexy eyes at him. Unlike Bomberman, the Three-Star General had been in contact with their Ominous Overlord, and possessed some knowledge of the Smashers' situation.

_The last thing we need is Berserk Rayman waking up in that destructive body, _Andy thought.

"Greetings, good sir," Mega Man piped up, noticing that the CO was eyeing him suspiciously. "Have you a 12-gauge socket wrench in your possession?"

Without delay, Andy summoned over a group of twenty or so men to perform the head-swapping procedure.

While it was being done, he took Bomberman aside and lowered his voice.

"Just how stupid are you, White Knight?"

"Sir, I don't understand what you're talking about," Bomberman replied, his attention fixated on writing hateful comments on a Kotaku article about Anita Sarkeesian's 'Tropes Vs. Women in Video Games' videos.

"Take your eyes off your phone for two seconds. That's Mega Man, you dumb shit."

Bomberman looked from Mega Man to the "Wanted" poster in Andy's possession. Realization dawned on him in much the way sunlight from a crack in a boarded-up window wakes a basement-dwelling /b/tard from his daytime slumber only to discover that his romantic waifu sex dream ended with another unfortunate stain on his dakimakura.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh," he said, and then returned to his phone. "Good for him."

"Maybe if you didn't spend half your day as a misguided Social Justice Warrior, you'd be higher ranked in the Subspace Army and we'd have ended this conflict already."

"You don't understand, kid. Something is very _wrong _on the Internet," said Bomberman. "You can't expect me to just stand by and watch."

"No, Mr. White, I expect you to _fight_. And to be present. Where's your Guardian Armor?"

"Relax, yo. It's in my backpack," Bomberman replied as he posted Photoshopped nudes of the Kickstarter-funded gaming scholar.

"Whatever. Pokemon are currently bustin' up the Silo. We don't have time for this," he said as he saw Mega Man and Rayman both coming to. "Fifth Squad, I order you to arrest these men."

Andy's troops quickly cuffed Mega Man, Rayman, Birdo, and Shrek.

"Why?" asked Shrek and Rayman.

"Yeah! What gives?" Mega Man demanded.

"Kinky!" exclaimed Birdo.

"Technically, we don't have to tell you _shit_," said Andy, as he started feeling up Birdo in front of the others, much to the pink one's delight. "But I'll be generous. Unauthorized Smashers are banned on the moon. You, Trash Man, are a Smasher and a terrorist, and these societal rejects are your accomplices. Take 'em away, team."

"Sir, yes, sir!" the troops responded.

Mega Man protested. "You can't put us away! We didn't do anything wrong! These people may be rejects, but they're _my friends... _sorta!"

But a recently arrived Mech unit socked him in the gut with the butt end of a rocket launcher. "Can it, _robutt_."

"All the 'bot ever wanted was a date with Princess Peach…" the Blue Bomber muttered.

A call came in over Andy's comm, and a bored male voice addressed the CO. "Andy, where the hell are those Recon and Mech units I ordered? We're in need of cover over here."

"Uh, apologies, General Robin, sir! Just dealing with some insurgents."

"I don't need excuses. My sister and I require those men," the Chief of Staff sighed. He sounded like there were a million other things he'd rather be doing. "The Water Pokemon are overheating the Steam Generator, while those Fire-types are wrecking the turbine. We're losing the shield, apparently."

"Understood, sir! On our way, over and out! You," Andy continued, motioning to Bomberman. "Escort these prisoners to the dungeons. You can do _that _much without fucking up, right? I'm assuming you want to fight Mega Man, to avenge your honor or some shit. Just wait 'till he gets to the base. Oh, and I'm taking this Birdo with me."

Briefly looking up from his _4chan_ tab, Bomberman nodded uncaringly, and led the whole mess of troops to the castle.

Mega Man turned his head to see Andy smacking Birdo's ass cheeks, and then glanced into the castle as the procession marched him and his friends up the entrance stairs.

"We can take 'em," he said to Shrek.

The ogre simply shrugged. "Sure, lad, but we're surrounded on every side."

"Our chances may be better in an enclosed area. You've been in this castle, right? Is there a place between here and the dungeons with a large fightin' space?"

"Aye. Ya can't miss it."

"Good."

"Ohhh, what's the plan?" Rayman asked. "Are we gonna escape? Can I be in on it?"

"Keep it down!" groaned Mega Man, who was cursing the whole situation.

_There's nothing about this day that isn't utter bullshit. Except for that kiss Peach gave me. Oh, how I wish she were here right now…_

* * *

**III. Ride the Lightning**

The _Pirate Ship_ was in disarray as its crew members scrambled to repair the damage caused by the _Virgin Victory_. Toon Link was working to stomp out a fire on the deck when a blast of ice nearly froze his boot off.

He gazed skyward, above the mast. Riding Latias and Latios, two short-ish figures were peppering the ship with fire. One shot beams of light, and the other bolts of lightning.

"Mako! Man the cannons!"

"Roger!" Mako announced. But one of the loose beams from the mizzen-mast swung loose and knocked him out instantly.

"Man, this sucks!" yelled Toon Link. He quickly leapt and climbed up to the crow's nest atop the main-mast and pulled out his Wind Waker.

_I know it's a long shot. There's no wind in space_, he realized. _But then again, there shouldn't be gravity or winged Pokemon, either. Let's see if this works._

He conducted the 'Ballad of Gales'.

From seemingly nowhere, Cylos appeared, riding his trademark cloud.

"What's the trouble, kiddo?"

But Toon Link didn't even need to respond, as a piercing hailstorm of light hit the froglike dude in the back, alarming him to the danger.

"Ah," said the God of Wind. He quickly conjured up a cyclone that nabbed the twin Legendary Pokemon, knocking them and their riders together at over two hundred miles per hour.

The two riders somehow managed to surf the outskirts of the cyclone, and flung themselves towards Toon Link.

His Hylian shield didn't do much, as the invaders both clothes-lined him with their outstretched arms. The trio fell quickly off the crow's nest and smashed through the floor of the ship's main deck, landing them in the central galley, surrounded by splintered planks of wood.

As Toon Link snapped his spine back into place and recovered from the dizzying fall, he heard the two guys arguing one another, pushing each other around.

"Just what were ya tryin' to do, huh?" the one shaped like a cloud yelled.

"Save our asses, maybe! If it were up to you, we'd still be spinning in circles back there!" screamed the one that resembled a wooden doll.

Toon Link's thrown boomerang stunned the cloud-like guy. Using the element of surprise, he leapt in to catch the invader in a flurry of slashing combos. But the wooden doll helped his friend by firing energy projectiles that the Hero of Winds struggled to dodge.

The swordsman sent the cloud dude flying back up on the deck with an up-smash and focused on the wooden doll.

"Just who are you clowns?" he asked, annoyed.

"Name's Geno," said the doll. "And that puffball is Mallow. We've been waiting to Smash for a good long while. As a clone, you don't stand much of a chance in this match-up."

"We'll see about that!" Toon Link yelled, and attacked with his fully-charged bow.

This time, Geno dodged. The Hylian noticed his opponent was glowing with an aura of light and kept away as the doll's Geno Beam narrowly missed him. What it did hit, though, was a barrel of gunpowder that blew a hole open in the ship's hold. As they were not far from Cylos' spinning cyclone, Toon Link felt his boots failing to take hold – he was sliding back towards the space-tornado.

Thinking quickly, the Hero of Winds shot his hookshot at the main mast and held on for dear life, but Geno, who was also being drawn outside, leapt onto his face and pummeled him. Toon Link's free hand bashed the possessed doll with his Hylian shield, but Geno managed to poke Toon Link's large cat-eyes one too many times.

He released the hookshot, spun backwards, latched his boot onto its handle, and attempted to toss Geno away with both hands. But the doll stuck to the kid like glue, and both were drawn into the fray.

Toon Link smacked against Latios' skull, and both rebounded off of one another, sending the boy spinning further from Geno. He spotted his loosed hookshot floating around the cyclone as well, and tried to influence his trajectory towards it.

Now that Toon Link was alone, Mallow saw his chance. From the deck of the Pirate Ship, he cast thunderbolts at the boy, greatly shocking him.

"Gwaaaaaaahhh!" Toon Link cried in agony.

Meanwhile, Geno managed to hop against various pieces of flying debris until he made it to the middle of the cyclone, staring up at Cylos as he hovered within the eye of the storm. The doll then summoned beams of light from the sky to rain down upon the amphibious Wind God.

"This isn't in my contract!" Cylos cried.

"Do you know what happens when a toad gets struck by lightning?" Mallow asked him.

"It can't be as bad as what happens to entitled douchebags quoting terrible scripts," replied Toon Link, who had grabbed his hookshot in mid-air. Upon his next pass around the cyclone, he fired it at Mallow, grabbing him right in the crotch, and swung him flying into Geno. As their attacks connected with one another instead of their opponents, the two combined into a tumbleweed of hate, and began cursing one another as loose debris from the space battle smacked them upside the head.

"Waker of the Winds! What sort of punishment do you deem fitting for these two?" asked Cylos, who brought Toon Link up atop his cloud.

Before Toon Link could respond, though, he gasped in fright at the Metal Gear Ray approaching them with the speed of an incoming missile.

"Cylos, look out!" he yelled, spotting Paper Mario in the cockpit.

The Ray's machine guns fired at the group, hitting Latios and Latias.

Toon Link covered Cylos with his body to protect him from the bullets, but several of them pierced the boy's regenerating torso.

"Cylos!" he cried as the Wind God, riddled with bullet holes, breathed his last. His final act was to propel Geno and Mallow with a pocket of air.

The cyclone dissipated, and Toon Link snapped his eyes shut; the Metal Gear was on a direct collision course with the Pirate Ship.

Little did he expect that Geno and Mallow would save the day. As the cyclone's parting twirl sent them both flying towards the Metal Gear, the tumbling combatants slammed into the bipedal assault weapon's cockpit, breaking the glass, crumpling Paper Mario, and sending the controls haywire.

The Metal Gear missed the Pirate Ship entirely by falling into a backspin. Toon Link boarded the Pirate Ship's last remaining cannon, hoping to launch himself at the weapon.

"Is there anyone on deck who can light a fire under my ass?" he called out. Most of them were injured or recovering from the onslaught of debris.

A lone man saluted him. "Leave it to me!"

"Who are you and what's your department?" asked Toon Link as the man lit the cannon.

"Alfonso, Captain. I'm a train engineer."

"HUH? Then what are you doing on my Pirate- AHHHHH!" Link cried as he zoomed from the cannon at top speed.

Luigi, who had jumped high into the air at the right moment from hanging onto the tip of the Metal Gear's tail, began running up the rotating vehicle's back.

"It's a-Luigi time!" the Don yelled.

Upon seeing Geno and Mallow emerge from the cockpit, each a total mess, he rocketed towards them. Geno was knocked into deep space, but Mallow retaliated by slamming his cymbals around Luigi's ears, repeatedly.

The Don, highly offended by this, shoved his thumbs into Mallow's beady eyeballs and pushed him onto the ground with his knees. He put on a pair of brass knuckles and smashed the cloud-faced asshole's face in.

"You wanna fuck with my friends, huh?" Luigi cried. "You think this is some kind of game, Cloud Boy?"

"It is a game, numbnuts!" screamed Mallow. "It's all a joke!"

But Mallow just kept on laughing, even as his teeth were being knocked out. That's because Luigi didn't even notice that Geno had recovered and was charging his deadly Geno Whirl.

Before long, the doll's aim was set. The highly radiant disk of light was ready to fire.

"Hey, big-nose! Try this on for size!"

Just before the doll could let loose his deadly attack, however, Toon Link's screaming voice distracted him. The kid sailed through the air, sword-first, dodged the oncoming Whirl by a hair, and stabbed through Geno's wooden gut like a shish kebab before planting the blade into Metal Gear Ray's armor.

"Give up now!" yelled Toon Link. "Just yield!"

"You meddling little shit!" Geno cried, and aimed his fingertips' Star Gun at the kid. "Your series has enough representation! If I can't Smash, neither will you!"

Toon Link stomped Geno's face, withdrew the Master Sword from his body, and then slashed his hands and head clean off.

The doll's remains drifted off into space, but his disembodied voice lingered in the air.

"I'll be back," he promised. "And when I do, Toon Link, you'll wish you had never been developed."

"Bring it on, bitch," said Toon Link, who then proceeded to give the doll the finger.

He then collapsed onto Metal Gear Ray, panting. Meanwhile, Luigi had squished the life out of Mallow. He toasted some of his remains with his fireballs.

Toon Link and Luigi both sat atop the hovering Ray, backs against one another as they munched on the roasted marshmallow man.

"He… he left me no choice…" Toon Link said in between bites.

"Don't blame yourself," insisted Luigi. "Man, that's tasty. Oh, right. There's one more."

Both Luigi and Toon Link ambled over to the cockpit and looked inside. Though torn to ribbons by Geno and Mallow's launch, Paper Mario was slowly reforming.

The Don smiled. "Now what have we here? A failed manuscript? A premature death certificate? A Florida vote from the year 2000 elections? Or maybe just a piece of scrap paper stained with tears of failure? You've a-seen better days."

"This isn't over," Paper Mario said. "I know a-Geno just said it, but I'ma say it, too."

"No, I think it is. So long, Fake Mario."

Luigi quickly grabbed him, crumpled him into a ball, and tossed him off the deck of the Metal Gear Ray.

After telling Alfonso to take the Pirate Ship back down to the planet's surface for repairs, Toon Link joined the Don in the cockpit.

As the Hero of Winds took the controls, the Don manned the radio.

"_Comet Observatory_, come in. This is a-your Don speaking."

No answer. (Mario had just subdued Pac-Man at the time, and Rosalina's cell tower was destroyed.)

"_Flagship_, come in."

Nothing. (Unbeknownst to Luigi, Kamek had just been killed by E. Gadd not a few seconds prior.)

"_Great Fox, _come in! _Halberd-_"

"_Halberd_'s right here," answered King Dedede. "Whassup?"

Luigi clutched at his chest. "Where are you guys? What's going on?"

"Ah, we on our way to the rendezvous point."

"Have you heard anything from the others?"

"Nah, but there's some fireworks goin' on over by the original _Star Fox_ mothership."

"All right, Dedede. Let's head over there and see what we can do."

* * *

Pikachu weighed his options. They weren't many.

Within Silo Gamma's nuclear containment building, the Pokemon Pit had launched were doing their best to hold their ground. Hundreds of soldiers had already fallen to their attacks, only for their bodies to disappear. The Shield Generator was still up, and they had two more Silos to shut down.

_Whoever's commanding this rabble knows what they're doin'_, Pikachu thought as he and Meowth dual-wielded two Mech Unit bazookas each and used them to mow down an entire APC.

A Sceptile and a Scyther double-teamed an approaching horde of Medusa heads by alternating Swords-Danced Slash attacks.

"Sai! Sai sai!" cried Scyther. (If only Pit were here, y'all Megas could use your Mega Stones!)

"Wark, wark!" (They just keep coming!) Greninja called out to Blastoise. "WARK!" (We're losing ground!)

While defending Pikachu's groupies and the highly inactive Lucario, who due to having lost his consciousness was fighting in a rather clueless manner, the Hydro Pump tortoise Pokemon used his ice beam to freeze several advancing mummies.

"Blaaaaaaaaast!" (Where's Jigglypuff? We need to advance on their Factories!")

_Not a good idea. The narrow doorways here are all that's protecting us. We're sitting Psyducks out there._

"PIIIIKAAAAAA!" (That can wait! First, we need to shut the Transformer down! Cover me!) Pikachu cried after they toasted the latest wave. He ran out of the Containment Building by dashing up the steam generator to its pipeline, running across the pipe just underneath the ceiling, and popping out from the facility's rooftop.

Greninja covered Pikachu's advance, utilizing Water Shurikens to take out the troops attempting to sneak in from the rooftop entrance. More were approaching to take their place from the pipeline below, but they were still far enough to not pose a threat. Pikachu began electrocuting tossed Water Shurikens just as they hit their opponents, causing double the damage.

Finally, the electric mouse headbutted through the closed gate, behind which stood dozens of transformers that converted the power to be used and funneled it into the pillar of light that shot straight up into the sky, creating a large chunk of the Moon's Electric Barrier.

Pikachu began by short-circuiting the Power Plant's primary transformer box. He leapt atop it and began to absorb all the latent energy created by the Silo. When he could take no more, he started redirecting it at the approaching Bomber units as Thunderrific death beams, sending the planes crashing into the Silo's giant Cooling Tower.

"PIIIIII!" (DIE MOTHERFUCKERS DIE!) he bellowed.

He sent dozens of bombers and artillery units to their doom.

Suddenly, a punch caught him upside the head. Pikachu felt his skull squash and stretch as it was followed up by a grab, a squishing motion that flattened him against the transformer, and a throw that sent him into the air.

The floating figure kicked him in the face multiple times, ending with a punishing corkscrew kick.

As Pikachu landed on his back, he couldn't believe the face that greeted him.

"Jigglypuff!" (Did you miss me?) it sang aloud, rather joyfully.

She was surrounded by a fully rubber suit, making her completely electric-proof.

* * *

**A/N:** THANK YOU FOR READING! Big apologies for the block-of-text sections. I really hope that this chapter was enjoyable to you, but if it wasn't, please let me know why! As always, I would LOVE to hear your reviews! :D It means a lot to me. Don't be shy about asking questions, too!

I promise some Krystal x Samus action next time! Sorry I couldn't fit it into this chapter. :O


	23. Love is a Battlefield

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Thank you for your patience! That last chapter was a big departure in a lot of ways. Lately I've been pretty anxious for this story to get back to its comedy/slice of life/lemony roots, so hopefully I can iron things out to allow that to happen soonish while still doing justice to the (huge) cast of characters. I'll admit that I probably should have introduced all the Moon-dwellers sooner, but we're near the end of the cast list (FINALLY). Apologies for the lateness and relative shortness of this chapter. There's been a lot of drama in my life. Almost got kicked out last week. Also got choked out (I'm OK now). My car pretty much got totaled when my entire wheel popped off it in the middle of the freeway. And I'm broke and about to leave lovely Vancouver (!), where I spent the weekend, as I was here for my friend's wedding. It was a fantastic wedding, but I'm wiped out now. :/ I'm also writing this on my low-battery cellphone since I was an idiot and left my laptop charger at home. T_T;;

**sippurp123:** Thank you for your review again! :D And for your patience. I don't intend to make the Nintendo head honchos major characters moving forward, but they were the best and most accurate way I could convey the info about the Smashers' origins. Sakurai will of course continue to play a part, wit Miyamoto and Iwata maybe having small moments here and there.

**mewlover5344:** Thank you! Very glad you liked the last chapter, and the OOC moments/characters, haha.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Three**  
**Love is a Battlefield  
**

**I. Are You Gonna Be My Girl?**

"This can't be happening," said Fox from the _OG Great Fox'_s bridge. He was chewing his fingernails like they were corn kernels.

"Hey, asshole, quit your gawking!" Wolf screamed. He had leapt back into the _Great Fox's _bridge and switched the shields back on in time to protect them from any more hits from the brainwashed Star Wolf team's lasers. "We need to help the others!"

But Fox just stared on in disbelief, like the Justin Bieber fangirl who got hit in the face by her drugged-out idol spitting on her from his balcony.

Krystal was surfing through the vacuum atop her scrap metal, dodging blast after blast from Samus' ship. The vixen didn't need her telepathic powers to guess why Ms. Aran was after her. They had both been romantically entangled with Fox, after all.

Some stray energy beams singed her fur. Even though she was flying in zig-zags, this space cowgirl apparently had impeccable aim.

_Not good. How to proceed? Gotta get on that ship in between casts of that shield spell_, she realized._ There's about a three-second delay between casts. Plenty of time for me to bust open the cockpit glass._

Nayru's Love flickered off during their next pass, and Krystal made the plunge.

For reasons unabashedly made up by the author, she fell into a series of flashbacks.

**Late 2000**

"This is so unfair!" Krystal screamed at her webcam, startling her handlers at Rare Studios. "You can't just replace me as the lead! How could you do this?"

She fell into a fit of tears, knowing full well that they would change nothing. She paced around her 64-bit loft. Though rather large, spacious, and filled with abstract art, crystals, and various New Age trinkets, it felt cramped and suffocating. For the first time in her life, Krystal felt that she was a prisoner.

Lee Schuneman, the game's director, stepped up to the mic. "It wasn't our choice, love. Mr. Miyamoto, he came to the studio, and when he saw the art style of what we were working on-"

"To hell with Mr. Miyamoto!"

"Look, Krystal, these kinds of things happen all the time in game development. It's not even going to be an N64 game anymore. We're going for a GameCube release; the new title's _Star Fox Adventures: Dinosaur Planet_."

"GameCube?"

"Nintendo's next console. You'll be upgraded to 128 bits. We're talking dynamic fur textures and physics. You're receiving a major art upgrade tomorrow. How's that for a start, eh?"

"Looks aren't everything," she said, and wished that she could use her telepathic powers on humans like Mr. Schuneman.

"Krystal, we know it can't be easy for you. And we're very sorry. But please, try and look at it from our point of view. The whole game's gonna have to be redone. Consider yourself fortunate that you're still a part of the cast."

"As a damsel in distress," she grimaced. "Some other guy is going to be using the staff I spent so long mastering. What about Sabre and Randorn?"

"They'll live on our servers. And they'll still be able to interact with Banjo, Conker, and the others. They just won't be a part of the game. Please try and understand, Krystal. We're very sorry."

The vixen nodded. "Will that be all?"

"Er, yes. Only… now might not be the best time, but…"

"What? Just spit it out."

"He'd like to meet you."

"Who?"

"Why, Fox, of course. He's settling into his new suite."

"Oh."

"He says there's no rush, darling. Just that he'd like to get to know you, whenever you have a little time to spare."

But Krystal just puffed up her cheeks and walked away from the camera, returning to the couch. "Why would I want to get to know the man who's taking my job?"

"You'll be working together. Trust me, development is a long and arduous process. It makes all the difference in the world to befriend your coworkers, instead of fighting them tooth and nail."

That day and the next passed rather uneventfully; business as usual for the vixen.

Krystal would spend her time doing the kinds of things a martial-arts loving, over-educated shut-in does. She'd get up at 6 AM and make a fruit smoothie to start her day, hit the gym for some aerobics, and have brunch at Spiral Mountain with Banjo, Kazooie, Tootie, Mumbo, and Gruntilda now that production was done on Banjo-Tooie. In the afternoons, she'd work a little on her oil paintings, and then join Joanna Dark and the Battletoads for some sparring.

Dinner was a lonesome affair. Typically Krystal would make a modest stew or casserole, but she got the inkling to try shepherd's pie. Getting the crust right was rather complex, but after some determination, the azure fox was able to concoct a dish that somewhat resembled shepherd's pie, and tasted rather like a chewy stew.

"I'll take it," she conceded. It was an important time for small victories.

She fell asleep a little too late watching Kung Fu movies in her sweat pants, and didn't even mind missing her alarm in the morning. Krystal pulled the frozen fruit out of the fridge for her morning smoothie but could no longer find the motivation to turn on the blender.

_Ugh, forget it. What's the use training when I'm no longer going to be involved in the action? Maybe I'll give him a chance, eventually. First things first, I need to buy something to fill that empty void within._

At last, she gazed into the full-length mirror, and didn't recognize the woman staring back at her. She was curvy now, with proportions like a starved supermodel. And the eyes! Larger, yet somehow less full of wonder. They were instead designed to convey a maximum amount of sultriness.

Her wardrobe, at least, was only modified in the most minor of ways. She dressed herself to go to the mall and hopped several trains, eventually taking her through the trans-continental portal over to the Pokemon Universe, transferring to Kanto's Saffron City. She got off by the giant city's largest outdoor basketball court, where some non-Pokemon was tearing up the hoops.

Upon descending onto the platform, she caught the eye of none other than Fox McCloud, who winked at her as if she were expected before dash-dancing past a Machamp, double-jumping, and dunking the ball.

"Hey bay-bee," Fox said in a mock-Italian tough guy accent. All Krystal's thoughts about giving this guy a chance were out the window. He was wearing a fedora, a pink wifebeater, and tight white pants after Labor Day.

"Uhhhh, hi," Krystal replied drolly, walking past the scene.

While Fox wasn't looking, a large Protoceratops nudged him, which had the effect of slamming him against the chain-link fence.

"Yeoooowch!" Fox yelled as the dinosaur continued to push up against him in excitement like an overly enthusiastic German Shepherd.

"Krystal! Where were you yesterday huh? You never did give me those ballet lessons, ya know! No fair!" the young Tricky pouted, his wagging tail interrupting the game.

She giggled at the sight, despite herself. "I see you two have become fast friends."

"Heh, yeah," replied Fox. "But up until now, I had no idea Tricky was a criminal."

"Say what? I burned the bodies! You can't prove anything!"

"Forget that, Chuckles. You're guilty of a far worse crime: neglecting to inform me that our co-star is an angel. Where are your wings?"

"The same place your brain is," said Krystal.

"And where would that be?"

_Non-existent_, she thought, but kept quiet and rolled her eyes instead. In the time it had taken her to perform a full retinal rotation, Fox had hopped the fence, sidled up to her, and offered a small box.

"Thought ya might like this," he said with a grin. "That's an actual Carbuncle's Ruby. They cast Protect, Reflect, and Shell, so they're really hard to kill, and you can only get them on the black market. I had to whore one of my crew members out to a dungeon for a year just to afford the down-payment."

"I can't even..." she began, but Fox insisted. Finally, Krystal cracked open the case to reveal a shining red crystal at the end of a necklace.

"Piii! Pichu!" cried the Pichu, who was fussily using tilt attacks to bounce the basketball.

"Pichu says," translated Meowth, "You gon' play or not, McCloud?"

"Sorry guys, I've just been struck by Cupid's arrow," Fox replied, and kissed Krystal's hand. "Enchantée, mademoiselle."

To which Krystal raised an eyebrow. "Quit while you're ahead, Mr. Fox. I haven't even decided if I'm going to accept it yet."

"Well, then, maybe we ought to get to know each other a bit first," said Fox. "Shall I take you on the tour?"

"Ohhh! I wanna come too!" yelled Tricky.

Fox bit his bottom lip. He approached the dinosaur, and whispered in his ear.

"I don't want to see, hear, touch, or smell you today, ya hear? This is a day for me an' the lady. I swear on Baby Jesus' Fecal Matter, if I so much as catch a whisper of your presence on my tail, I will personally tie you down and shove my Landmaster's cannon so far up your ass that when I fire, you're gonna be spittin' electricity like Godzilla. Am I clear?"

"Whoooooa! That sounds AWESOME!"

"Uhhh... on second thought..."

Fox then approached Meowth and whispered in his ear. There appeared to be some negotiating going on before he slipped the Pokemon a bill and returned to Tricky.

"Alright, kid. We're playin' hide and seek. Count to five thousand."

"Okay!" Tricky exclaimed as Fox grabbed Krystal's hand and led her out of there as fast as their legs could carry them, both laughing all the way. What Krystal didn't need to know was that before Tricky reached three-thousand, every Pokemon on the court assaulted the poor Protoceratops with burlap sacks filled with Geodudes until he collapsed onto the floor and passed out. He was then tied up and shoved into a cryogenic chamber.

And so, Krystal's day out shopping alone turned into an unexpected first date. She and Fox rented a tandem bike, pedaled to the Celadon City game corner, and gambled the morning away. When they finally had enough coins, they argued on what they should redeem.

"That green scythe dude though," Fox pointed out. "Looks like he'd be great at cutting grass."

"Whatever would you need grass cut for?" asked Krystal.

"I dunno. Thought we could make some money on the side. Start up a business: McCloud's Landscaping."

With her elbows on the table, Krystal rested her head in her opened palms. "That's the mindset of a utilitarian. Something or someone is only valuable if it's useful, right?"

"Well, obviously that ain't ideal. But it's how ya gotta think when you're livin' day to day. As a mercenary, you're constantly workin' for your next meal."

"That's surviving, sure, but it sure isn't living. At least, not in any way that's nurturing or sustainable."

Fox thought about this for a second, and had no real answer. He looked carefully at the Pokemon behind the glass cage. It was itching for some battle. "Maybe you're right. He's a fighter, not a gardener. So which one would you get?"

Krystal pointed at a small, sad pink thing curled up in the corner, drawing small moons on the walls with its own anal secretions. It was truly pitiable.

"That one?"

"Yes."

Fox shrugged and handed the guy their coins. Within seconds, they were now proud co-owners of a Clefairy.

"Cle-FAIRY," it greeted them, ecstatic.

Krystal hugged the Fairy Pokemon and melted.

"I'm dying," she said, tears in her eyes. "Let's name her Wyclef."

"Uh, _you_ can name her that," Fox said. "Keep me out of it."

"Nonsense! We won her together. Plus, a child raised by both parents has a statistically better chance of-"

"PARENTS?!" Fox exclaimed, freaking out. "Whoa, I'm... not sure if I'm ready for that kind of a commitment."

Krystal laughed. "Mission failed, McCloud."

"Were you... just testing me?"

"Dummy, you and I both know the Pokemon-Trainer relationship doesn't work like that," Krystal said as she held Clefairy's hands and danced around with her, circling a pattern in the carpet.

"Ah..." Fox had not expected to be feeling such the fool.

It took some effort from Krystal to cheer him up. "So you are capable of emotions. It just takes a small blow to your ego to get you to lower your guard."

"Think you've got me figured out that easily, eh?"

"Hey... if you still want to give me that jewel, I think I'm ready to accept it."

This, finally, got Fox to smile. "Nice! First off, let's see how it fits.".

He calmly took the necklace from its case, lifted it above Krystal's head, and failed to get it past her forehead.

"Isn't there a clasp on the back?" she asked.

"There's no need for one."

"Well, if there's to be any hope of getting it on my neck-"

"I've just realized that it doesn't belong on your neck," replied Fox, holding up a hand mirror.

"Wow. For the first time today," admired Krystal, "you and I are in complete agreement."

The two exchanged smiles and continued their eventful day out.

Though it was the Fox who reached out to Vixen, Krystal made sure to keep their relationship moving forward over time.

As it turned out, Fox was neither a great father figure to Wyclef (the Clefairy), nor a terribly present lover. But his ineptness, Krystal realized with much confusion, was more endearing than anything.

_Get him in an Arwing, and he's a killing machine. But take him out, and he's as helpless as a drugged Mel Gibson in a den of hungry Jewish entertainment reporters._

A few weeks afterwards, Krystal was gifted her telepathic powers, which were both a blessing and a curse. The former because she could now hear Fox's every need and feel, and the latter because she realized that he was even more narcissistic than she'd ever imagined.

Even so, she had grown to love him.

"Has he always been like that?" she once asked Banjo, who'd known Fox pretty well from Falco's bi-annual Poker tournaments.

"Pretty much. He's good at hiding it, but Fox really doesn't care for anyone except for himself."

"Does that mean he's a sociopath?"

"Nah. He's _capable_ of empathy, yuh-huh. He just happens to be extremely self-centered."

"I don't know if that's better or worse than being unable to feel."

"Oh, no question. It's better, honey," interjected Kazooie. "Trust me, Banjo and I have been together... how long now?"

"Too long! Let's not think of it," joked Banjo.

"Anyway, all it means is that Fox has the potential to improve."

"But that doesn't mean she should try to change him," said Banjo. "That's a one-way ticket to hell and back."

Kazooie frowned. "Isn't that a round trip?"

"Ask _The Darkness_ about the technicalities," sighed Banjo. "I didn't come up with that lyric."

With her powers, Krystal inferred that they'd had this exact conversation multiple times. Since they'd just become exclusive, she wondered if she and Fox would end up that way.

A little later in their relationship, Krystal pondered Banjo's words about change as she witnessed Fox trying to teach Wyclef to play _Doom 3_.

The poor Pokemon was shivering as Doomguy made his way down dimly-lit hallways. Tears ran down her pink cheeks as she encountered the first of those creepy-ass regenerating guys and died horribly to it.

Fox burst out laughing, even as Wyclef grabbed onto him a sobbing mess.

"Fairy! Fairy! Clefairy!" she cried.

"B'awwww, ya scared? Would you rather we play more _Silent Hill 2_? Oh wait, I think I see _Dead Space _over there."

"FAIRY!"

Wyclef ran into the corner, curled up into a ball, and started rocking back and forth.

"Fairy... Fairy... Fairrrrrrrry..."

"Fox, what the hell," said Krystal. "You're sadistic."

McCloud, upon noticing that Krystal had walked in, drew Wyclef into her Pokeball to hide the evidence. He had Krystal sit on his lap and ran his hands up and down her thighs.

"That's what you like about me, isn't it? You like the way I take control."

There was no denying it. The way Fox treated her when he was horny... it was a completely different side of him. One that her mind-reading ability showed as the ace pilot at his most free and unhinged.

_When he's in that cockpit_, she realized, _he's got complete control of the skies. He's a killing machine. If someone like that spends enough time grounded, they'll end up expressing their need for murder and mayhem in other ways._

"Missed you, baby."

Before she could come up with the right words to reprimand him, he had already been sniffing at all the right places, licking and stroking the nape of her neck and abdomen.

"I... I had plans-"

"Screw 'em," he said, and began nibbling at her neck. She shuddered as he went straight for her clit and pussy lips with his fingers.

"Ahh, it's too much," she whined as he enacted his "slap de bass" technique, alternating his fingering quicker than a wingless Arwing trying to spam the laser to get the Hit+10 off of Area 6's boss.

Fox bit down hard on Krystal's ear. "You know ya like it," he said.

Before long, he had pushed Krystal down to the floor, face-first. She gasped as he unceremoniously extended his girth-endowed cock and stuck its head in her pussy right then and there, slowly.

"It's... too tight," she said. "Ahh. It's not wet enough."

Fox pulled her hair. "No, I think it's just right."

"Mmmmnn, slowly, Fox..." she mewed.

He alternated between running his dick along her slit and poking it in her fuck-hole, covered in juices and delving deeper into the depths each time. Finally, Krystal had to bite down hard and bear it as her partner's dick bottomed out within her.

Fox's patience paid off, as the tightness engulfing him was simply out of this world. He had been Krystal's first, a fact he rather relished after discovering it a week prior.

Despite having lustrous, intense orgasms on a regular basis, Krystal felt that something was not right. She could not shake the often very dark and graphic thoughts that ran through Fox's head during sex, and this was no exception. He'd imagine her hanging near-lifeless from the ceiling after a severe S&M session. Her gagging on his cock. Or her bleeding and screaming as he spanked her ass till it got raw. His entire team gang-raping her while he stroked himself.

Perhaps the scariest thing was coming face to face with the part of herself that enjoyed those fantasies.

"If you could do one thing to me right now..." she asked him as he pounded her pussy at a moderate pace. "What would it be?"

"I'd... brand you..." Fox said with a smile. "Burn a mark on you with my signature on it."

"Ahhh!" Krystal cried. The image of Fox wanting her and her alone to the extent that he could imagine her doing that for him... it was quite a hot image. So hot that she came all over him.

As Krystal rode out her orgasm, Fox continued to pound, even increasing his rate before he managed to pull out and spray cum errywhere like a renegade fire hose, to borrow an analogy used by Danny McBride in "This is the End".

Krystal snuggled up to Fox in the aftermath, wishing they could be like this forever.

"So I'm in your canon now," Krystal told him with a smile. "Invadin' your screentime."

"Got that right, babe. The consumers, the gamers, they're gonna love us together."

"How do you know?" she asked nervously.

"Market testing," he said. "Anthros are totally in right now. Don't worry. They're not gonna be able to get rid of you easily."

If only those days could have lasted. _Adventures_ was a divisive game, and some even considered it a disappointment.

After _Star Fox Command_, Krystal's time in the limelight had now become the stuff of recent history. With the series put on the back-burner and _Super Smash Bros. Melee_ on the fast-track, she and Fox didn't have much time to see one another.

**Sometime After Brawl**

"Maybe we should go on break," she suggested once as they sat on her couch watching "Kung Pow! Enter the Fist".

"Wait, what? Why? Is there another guy?"

"No! Not at all. It's just... after that whole incident where you shot Wyclef out of that trebuchet, I think I could use a little space."

"Babe, Wyclef's fine."

"She's become a nervous wreck!"

"It's just a phase. Look, you want space? Well, you've got all the space in the universe out there, honey," he said, and then cleared his throat to sing. "I can show you the woooooorld, shining, shimmering, spleeeeendid. Tell me princess, oh when did yoooooou last let your heaaaaaaaart deciiiiiiide..."

As he said this, he guided Krystal's hand to his crotch. She yanked it away.

"What the actual fuck? Can you get your mind out of the gutter for one sec- Hey!"

He had began using her hand to stroke along the outside of his pants.

"A WHOLE NEEEEEW WORLLLLD! A new o-ri-fice to peeeeeenetrate! No one to tell us no-"

"NO! NO NO NO NO! GEE-TEE-EFF-OH!"

Krystal pushed Fox away, but he stood up on either side of her and helicoptered his dick in front of her mouth. He stabilized it, began rubbing his magic lamp even harder, and started to guide it ever so slowly towards her puckered lips.

"This is the USS Thickstick to Oral Base, we need emergency assistance! Our capacitors are about to blow!"

Totes not in the mood for a blowjob, especially since his penis was rather sour-smelling, Krystal tried to respond without opening her mouth too wide.

"This is Oral Base, I'm sorry, we cannot accommodate your needs, Thickstick. Abort mission. Repeat,_ abort mission_."

Fox then pumped his cock even harder. He shoved his dick in Krystal's mouth, but was denied by her teeth and gums, so the mercenary rubbed it up against her face and ears as he reached critical mass.

"Oral Base, we're gonna explode! We're all gonna die! Need to evacuate our crew! Ahhhh!"

"No!" cried Krystal, and ducked under his legs and ran away just before Fox exploded all over her couch. It was more semen in one place than Krystal had ever seen.

She sighed and picked up some tissue to quickly wipe away the myriad stains while Fox collapsed onto the floor.

"Can you give me a hand?" she asked him.

"Ahhhhh..." he merely said, and spanked her ass as she bent over to clean up his mess. More white stuff was dripping from his junk onto the carpet floor.

"I think you should leave," groaned Krystal.

"Allow me to return the favor," Fox insisted, and put a hand on her shoulder. "It's been a while since I've eaten you out."

But Krystal shook her head. "You really haven't listened to _a single thing _I've said in the last ten minutes, have you?"

"What's that, babe?" replied Fox. He was checking himself out in the full-length mirror.

"GET OUT!"

Some time not too far after that, Fox sensed that a breakup was imminent. Krystal had been working on a last-ditch plan to save their relationship, but for once she found herself thwarted when Fox hailed her from a distance across Spiral Mountain.

"Ey, Kris!"

The vixen could just barely spot Fox, let alone read his mind.

"Hiii honey!" she called out in her chirpiest voice.

"I'm breaking up with you!" he yelled.

Krystal blinked. _There is no way he just said what I think he said._

"Sorry, honey, I can't hear you. Do you think-"

"It's over, Krystal! We're through, kaput! Nobody breaks up with Fox McCloud! Especially not someone as confusing and immature as you!"

Krystal stared him down, which had the effect of sending Fox into full-on panic mode. A few uncomfortable moments passed as Krystal allowed her latent anger to bubble to the surface.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME, YOU FUCKING BITCH?" she wailed, and dashed towards him.

Fox screamed like a schoolgirl and dashed away, but Krystal's fireball had nicked him in the heel. She leapt up the hill like a boss and caught up with Fox at the wooden bridge. A few fireballs flung further than his position ensured that he wouldn't be crossing to the other side.

Fox spun on his heels and held his hands up.

"I'm sorry hon, I swear, I can explain-"

"WHY?" she cried, and toasted the ropes holding up the opposite end of the wooden bridge.

Fox fell screaming with the bridge and slammed into the side of Spiral Mountain. He bounced off the rock wall and fell onto the hard pathway, where Krystal jumped on top of him and beat him to a pulp.

"YOU DON'T TELL ME IT'S OVER!" Krystal yelled, veins near popping out of her head. "You don't get to tell me fucking anything, you manipulative dickwad!"

Never having seen this side of her, Fox crumbled against the ground as her fists dealt serious damage to his visage.

Needless to say, the breakup was harsh and bitter, like drinking a beer only to accidentally swallow a cigarette butt. But the intense release on both sides with no holds barred or words minced meant the drama and pain was also over relatively quickly.

Against Nintendo's wishes, Krystal made the decision to freeze herself, effectively cutting off her lifeline. It was one of the options Mr. Yokoi made available for the Smashers some time before leaving the company. Their consciousnesses would be effectively kept in suspended animation, so their virtual bodies could be used without their having to accrue more experiences.

**II. Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is**

Since the development of_ Super Smash Bros. for the 3DS and Wii U_, however, Krystal had been awoken and recruited to work for Mr. Sakurai and his team behind the scenes. It was most definitely not easy work, having to learn to fight against each of the Smashers, especially Fox, Falco, and Wolf. Her powers had weakened, something that would likely only return with time. Losing them was tough, like a part of her was missing. But that was just the beginning.

The worst thing, however, was that she had access to the Camera Lakitu files, and the entire _Best of S__mash __TV_ backlog. Though she knew it was an unhealthy habit, she had developed almost an obsession with witnessing the blossoming relationship between Samus and Fox. Their joking, the rapport. The snarkiness. She found herself enjoying it whenever the couple was involved in drama. Fox would struggle or Samus would be frustrated with him, and Krystal would laugh, sort of knowingly, sort of teasingly, and sort of sadistically.

_What is wrong with me_? she'd chastise herself at times, and to forget the pain she would just re-watch the highlights. _He's a fucking jerk, and he isn't likely to change. Why do I care who he's with? Why do I care if she's right for him or not?_

Of course, these thoughts all ran through her mind in the span of a split-second, just before Krystal dived head-on towards the gunship, latched her staff against its lower turrets, and grabbed tightly.

The Nayru's Love spell shot back on, and she found herself on the more favorable side of its protection now.

The vixen attempted to pry open the hull's underside entrance hatch, but it sprung open on its own. Greeting Krystal was none other than a fully-charged Charge Beam.

"Shit!" she yelled, and peeled out of the way just as Samus' shot grazed her side.

"Let go!" cried Samus. Her helmet was off so that Krystal could see just how serious she was. "Make it easy on yourself!"

But Krystal just shoved her staff's burning tip up to Samus, nearly missing the bounty hunter's face. The staff then erupted into spraying a stream of ice that bought her enough time to swing onto the gunship. Krystal didn't get much farther, though, as Samus shoved her up against the wall and held her staff-hand steady. Krystal tried to trip Samus up with a low kick, but her bare legs couldn't do much against Samus' armored ones.

"If there's one thing you'll learn about me," Krystal began, "it's that I _never _take the easy way out."

But she was powerless to do anything. After turning to the cockpit, Krystal noticed that Sheik was currently flying.

"There's a difference between taking an easy out, and always trying to do things the hard way. Just who are you anyway?" asked Samus.

"Your worst nightmare," said Krystal with a smile. She headbutted Samus; her forehead connected with the blonde's nose. Moving quickly, Krystal broke away and kicked Samus in the abdomen.

"Banking left!" yelled Sheik as she steered them clear of Master Hand's wrath.

"Outta my way!" Falco screamed on the comm. The last Starfox pilot still flying was currently fighting an Andross Assist Trophy. He led Panther into it, dealing some damage to the narcissistic jungle cat.

"Guess you're not as much of a bird-brain as I thought," Panther purred.

"Don't you be gettin' sweet on me," quipped Falco as he shot down a space pirate bogey.

Captain Olimar's Hocotate Freighter clipped the wingtip of Evil, Zombified Pigma, whose Wolfen II was covered in Yellow Pikmin. The squealing coward ejected; his detached pod sputtered down atop the _OG Great Fox_.

Fox turned from watching and a look of manic realization dawned on his face.

"You!" he yelled at the pig who made his father's (scripted) death happen.

"Oh, hey Fox. I see your team's had some losses today. I have a good few hundred missions under my belt. Will ya take me back on the team, oh buddy boy?"

"Even if I could trust you, Pigma, you eat way too friggin' much."

"Nooo!" exclaimed the pig as Fox beat him to a pulp.

Meanwhile, just after banking to avoid Falco, Sheik pulled into a corkscrew turn, which had the effect of sending Krystal off-balance. She was however able to dodge some incoming physical hits from Samus and slip away from the wall. She dashed away to make a bit of space before lashing out with a full-on staff combo, which was finished off with a devastating earth-shattering shockwave into the ship's floor.

It was a reckless move; spurred by the fear of losing her gunship, Samus grabbed Krystal, tossed her down into a flamethrower attack, short-hopped into a neutral air kick, bounced the vixen off the wall, and caught her in an up-smash.

Krystal recovered after this move, and nimbly righted herself.

_I need to make my escap_e, she thought.

She hit the latch to open up the ceiling's hatch. But just as the vacuum began to suck out the combatants, Samus closed it off again.

"Not today, you ain't." The bounty hunter bashed her in the face with her gun-arm until the vixen totally lost her sense of direction. She dropped her staff.

"Stay down," Samus urged her. "You're my prisoner now."

Clearly out of options, Krystal nodded.

Sheik, on the other hand, was doing all she could to keep out of the chaos going on outside the gunship.

Falco was covering Olimar: now that he'd taken down Pigma, both Leon and Panther saw him as a real threat.

"Can't take any more hits!" Olimar screamed.

"Dude! Bail!" belted Falco.

The spaceman rounded up all of his Pikmin and blew into his whistle.

"All right guys," he told them. "You remember what Wolf said. Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and sky. We're gonna get into a wrecking ball formation, jump onto Panther's fighter, and wreck his shit from the inside out. Many of you will die. Personally, I will feel those deaths, like in my gut. To be fair, that'll only be for a second, but rest assured, the Pikmin of the future will know... probably... that you gave your lives... so that they may live."

He then pulled a Claymore sword out of nowhere.

"DEATH!" he cried.

"Death!" the Pikmin chanted back.

And so as Panther looped back around, they leapt headlong onto his incoming blitz.

"Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!" cred Olimar like a crazed Tarzan.

"I ain't dyin' till I bang Krystal!" Panther replied, but his voice trembled.

Panther's weakened laser picked off the outermost layer of Pikmin, who were promptly replaced. Before long the wrecking ball had closed most of the distance and Olimar blew his whistle again.

"Parachute formation!" he cried as all the Pikmin spread out, interlocking hands as they landed atop the Wolfen II like s net. Some of those near the jets burned; Fire Pikmin rushed to switch places with them. All the tiny dudes slammed their noggins into the fighter, blocking the flaps' movements and the pilot's visibility.

"I'm not going to lose to a bunch of plants!" Panther growled, but his engines were already mostly stripped. As he was now on a collision course with Pigma's debris, he had no choice but to eject.

Panther readied his jetpack and pulled the eject lever. But as he tried to leave the cockpit, a living whip of two dozen Pikmin lashed out to grab him mid-flight. After Olimar took the jetpack, thirty pairs of Pikmin hands pulled Panther back down rather violently.

"Get 'em off me! Ahhhh!"

He slapped back into his cockpit like a rubber band and was violently devoured, piece by piece, by the little guys.

* * *

From the dark void came a queef. This was followed by a very wet fart.

Before she knew it, Lady Palutena discovered that she was submerged in some sort of liquid. Oddly enough, however, she could breathe.

_I'm alive. Wait, no. This is the afterlife._

The Goddess blinked, stretched her arms, and walked forward.

She hit a membrane, which stopped her in her tracks.

_The afterlife sure is small. Wait, no! Am I... in some kind of womb?_

Palutena stared at the staff in her hands. _My giant dildo! Of course!_

She carved a hole in the membrane, spilling out all the crazy fluid.

Loud sounds happened. Alarms. Flashing lights. As Palutena ripped off the tubes hooked up to her body, she came to realize with some horror that there were hundreds, no, thousands of these standing amniotic sacs filled with figures. The alarms stopped as abruptly as they started, probably so as not to wake the other sleepers.

"Just who is that sexy beast?" the Goddess asked, looking at a sword-wielding woman with blue hair who appeared to be in a deep sleep.

Suddenly, something from Palutena's peripheral vision reflected off the sacs.

The incoming figure was shimmering hella hard. Palutena squinted her eyes.

"Who goes there?" she asked. "I'd like to lodge a complaint about these accommodations."

The figure quickly ice-skated around the corner. It was clearly nonhuman in nature, with a flowing cape-dress-thing instead of arms. Its silver head was shaped like the tip of a sharpened penis.

Needless to say, Palutena fell in love almost immediately.

"Greetings," said the silver one in an impossibly smooth voice that resembled an auto-tuned alien language. It actual words were foreign, but their specfic meanings were communicated telepathically. "You must come with me."

"Oh, there's no doubt that'll happen," Palutena replied, and walked on over and stroked the strange visitor's silver cheek. Its feminine face was solid, unmoving, expressionless. Even so, she had the shapely legs and perfect form of a professional figure skater.

"You may be experiencing some discomfort," said the silver one. "You emerged approximately five minutes earlier than anticipated."

"When there's something I want, I don't let anyone or anything get in my way," Palutena replied, gently caressing every inch of the creature's body.

"I friggin' love your style," said Palutena, and kissed her. It was like kissing a sheet of metal. "What's your name?"

"I am known by many. I have made myself known in the world of humans as Lady Fi, but I have always identified by my primary directive."

"And just what directive would that be?" Palutena asked, sitting Lady Fi down beside her by the stairs and kissing her all over.

"To create life," replied Fi. "My true name is Mother CAST. I am the primary maintainer of the CAST AI, appointed Guardian over the Smashers, and the head of server maintenance. And there is a 100% chance that I will be informing you of various statistics out of nowhere."

Palutena giggled. "Fair enough. Gods be good, you're just too fucking sexy to exist."

But Fi wasn't into it. Palutena poked her in the nose. She straddled Lady Fi and began grinding against her.

"Don't you want the sexy tiems?"

"Technically... the nuances of human relationships do not necessarily apply to us AI, but I would approximate from my data collected over twenty years of observing humans that about seventy-four percent of respondents would agree to classify what you are attempting to do to me as an act of non-consensual incest."

"But doesn't that just make it hotter? Should I call you mommy?" continued Palutena as she pushed Fi to the floor and continued to grind up against her, prompting magical sparks of light to erupt from between their legs.

"You may call me what you like," said Fi. "If this will help you to relieve stress, I will allow you to finish... oh... what is this sensation... it feels like every millimeter of my body is hyper-sensitive to stimuli."

"That's hotness, my sweet Fifi. It's because incest is wincest."

"There is an eighty-four percent chance that you are the most deviant of all of CAST's daughters."

"Eighty-four?" cried Palutena, disappointed. "EIGHTY FRICKIN' FOUR! Who's my competition?"

"There are many in the running-"

"WHO?!" she demanded with a wide-eyed stare.

"Fox McCloud, for one."

Determined to out-kink everyone else at the Smashgrounds, Palutena switched to a 69 position and began furiously motorboating the expressionless silver woman, prompting electro-magical sparks to erupt from her being.

"Cannot... compute... the feels..."

"No one is gonna be sexier than me, you hear!"

"Does your depravity know no bounds?" a voice sounded out from around the corner.

Palutena smiled as she recognized two old friends. Pit and Dark Pit had just rounded the corner.

"Lady Stardust!" exclaimed Pit. "You're alive! Except... w-w-who are you doing now?!"

"Yo momma," Dark Pit explained. "No, really."

Pit tossed his arms up in the air. "What the EFF, maaaaaan!"

Suddenly everyone was jolted as another alarm blared: an air raid, to be exact.

"What now?" Pit asked.

Pitoo squinted, and then walked over to Palutena.

"May I?" he asked, with his hand probing around her anal sphincter.

"Haha, oh, do your worst," she said with a wink.

He took a deep breath. "Here goes nothin'."

While Pit looked on horrified, Dark Pit jammed several fingers up Palutena's butthole. His other hand tickled her belly, making her laugh.

After some time he finally yanked out a spyglass, which he used to survey the skies.

"Wait," said Pit. "Was that... how did you know she even... there are so many unanswerable questions about what you just did-"

"Shut up, you brat," Dark Pit replied, as Palutena realized the fun was over and returned to fucking Fi.

"What did you see?"

"A nuke," replied Dark Pit, who now had a shit-stain monocle over one eye. "Popped out of a portal in the sky. It's headed right for the silos."

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for reading! Sorry about the kind of abrupt ending. The good news is that I have the next 24 hours to do nothing but write since I'll be on the Amtrak down the coast, so the next chapter should be sooner than normal. :) As always, reviews, follows and faves are much, much appreciated! Thanks again!


	24. Through the Fire and Flames

**A/N: **So I'm back home, and swamped with work. x_x This chapter may be uber-long, but it's definitely gonna be the exception to the rule, since a good chunk of it was written during a 30-hour Amtrak ride. XP I am gonna need to work harder and not be obsessively following Smash Bros. news... which is a little easier now since the leaks have kind of reached their apex.

**WARNING:** There may be some minor contextual spoilers for the new Super Smash Bros. games! I will do my best not to actively spoil things for everyone, but if you're super spoiler averse, just letting you know that there may be a few things in this chapter that hint at previously unreleased information.

**sippurp123:** Thanks as always for your review! Seems you may be the last reader left standing! :O So I must thank you for your diligent support once more with some Zelink! You are right that it's natural for Krystal to want to spy on her ex's life and get all the juicy tidbits. But I kind of figured that she's mentally cursing herself because there's a struggle within her: should she let Fox go, or not? In her mind, she's ready to move on. But her heart keeps pulling her back with the hope that she can "fix" him, so to speak.

**CORRECTIONS/CHANGES:** When I woke up, I changed a few minor things in this chapter. Pac-Man's lines are slightly modified for teh lulz. Also, Sakurai now mentions Mega Man in Act IV. Also, to keep things less confusing, I changed the Charizard helping Pikachu in Chapter 22 to a Blastoise, so there aren't two Charizards (including the one Ganon was riding) roaming around in the story. That was actually a pretty big error on my part and I apologize.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

**Through the Fire and Flames**

**I. Fury of the Storm**

"I must say, your stuff's not bad," Bayonetta said as she passed the bong over to Marth. They were sitting in the engine coolant overflow chamber on the _Halberd's _bridge, which functioned as a hot tub.

"Not bad? _Not bad_? This be the best green money can buy, woman!" exclaimed King Dedede, who snuck a glance or two at her string bikini.

Popo shook his head. "I believe j00 misunderstand, Herr Penguin. Correct me if I'm wrong, miss, but ain't it true that in British, 'not bad' translates to 'bloody fuckin' excellent'?"

Bayonetta simply nodded as she brought out her own herbal mix and popped it into Dedede's grinder. Dedede and Popo were ecstatic. The Smashers had a lot to be thankful for, considering what had just happened on the deck not five minutes prior:

The Ominous Overlord cleared his throat as Marth and Bayonetta were about to launch each other off again. His Ominous Words were thus: "Kay. We got the data we needed. You guys can quit fightin' now. Take five and meet up with the others, posthaste."

Nobody was goin to argue with that, especially when four Fairy Bottles popped right out of a crate to heal them.

"Man, we's so glad ya took my advice an' turned that coolant overflow into a hot tub," Dedede said, nudging the comatose Meta Knight, who currently exhibited all the personality of a stuffed toy.

"Try some," said Marth in Japanese as he offered the bong to Meta-Knight. The prince was about to light it for him when Dedede yanked the glass away.

"Nah, G! It's wasted on 'im! Lookit that foo'. He already high as fuck."

The paralyzed Meta-Knight mentally cursed his friend. _Damn you, Dedede!_

After Popo passed the bong to Bayonetta again, the Umbran Witch had an idea. "Y'know, this may be a crap-shoot, but what if his mind is still there, just a ghost in the machine, so to speak?"

"Well, be that as it may, a ghost be incapable of inhalin'. They's made o' gas, just like God, the sun, and dat Smoke Monster what be from _Lost_."

Popo gasped. "Tell me you did _not _just say the 'L' word. You know that's a trigger for me, like, seriously."

"Bitch, it's yo own fault if you was watchin' that piece o' shit show to begin wid. We live in a world of spoilers. Go back to tumblr wid dat attitude."

"Motherfuck-" Popo began, but lowered his mallet. "If we weren't in the presence of a lady, and you hadn't just saved my ass not ten minutes ago, holmes…"

"You'd what? You can't fight properly widdout yo girlfriend. Or is she yo' sister? Or both?"

"Nana's my ex, stupid."

"Whatever did happen to you two?" asked Bayonetta. "Urban legend says you were inseperable."

"She and I… well… it's complicated. It's not exactly a short story."

Marth snapped to get the others' attention. Bayonetta was just feeding Meta-Knight some weed smoke via mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

_She's got the lips of an angel, _thought Meta-Knight. _Thank you, kind librarian lady._

Afterwards, the Umbran Witch took off the plastic liner over her lips and popped a Listerine sheet. The smoke slowly wafted from Meta-Knight's ears.

She had the whole room at attention. "So we're on our way to the front lines, I take it? Since we've got nothing better to do, would any of you gentlemen be kind enough to give me a foot massage? Those Beretta heels are devilishly fun... but they're hell on my ankles."

She raised her feet just above the water.

Dedede, Popo, and Marth all fell over themselves rushing to her toes. Popo clawed at Marth's face and Marth headbutted him in return, but both got their wishes of some toe-rubbin' action as Dedede had to answer Luigi's incoming call.

"_Halberd_'s right here. Whassup?"

Cereza moaned in bliss as her two new slaves worked their magic on her corns.

_She uses some of the same tactics as Palutena_, Popo observed, _only for a different purpose. For Palutena, without a doubt, the sexytime is the reward. But Bayonetta uses her sexuality and propensity for fan-service to gain power and live comfortably. From what I've seen, she seems to have little interest in actual lovemaking. Ah, well. It doesn't mean we can't enjoy her company._

Once Dedede hung up the call, he headed towards the control console. "Alright, hang onto yer butts. We's headin' to the _OG Great Fox, _Full Speed ahead."

* * *

On the bridge of Bowser's Flagship, Link did his best to keep his composure. Bowser was gone. In his place was his young but clever son, who was currently bawling up a storm.

Ike was trying to calm the little guy down in the back room, as well as attempting to gain an understanding of what that _Mario Kart 8 _flashback was all about.

Meanwhile, Ganon's torso was now regenerating. His legs paced the bridge ponderously as a Fairy circled his body, accelerating his healing process. Yoshi tried to keep out of his way whilst still listening in on the news.

And visible just outside the windows, Diddy and DK were guarding the cannon deck as various Hammer Bros, Koopas and Goombas worked on repairing the Bill Blasters and floorboards. Game and Watch rode Kyogre, with Charizard and Lugia patrolling the ship's path alongside him.

Peach and Zelda explained to Sky Admiral Link what little they had learned from E. Gadd before he'd been so unceremoniously murdered. The Hylian princess took her boyfriend's hand at first, but upon considering the facts, he broke away and paced up and down the floor.

"It's an interesting theory," said Link. "I won't accept or deny it yet, but it lines up very well with the evidence Donkey Kong compiled before he was silenced, especially the part about the N-word being redacted."

"Yoshi!" (You mean Nin-)

"Don't even say it," Link insisted. "Not even in your weird-ass one-word language that I don't know how the hell anyone understands."

"Bowser told me once it's all in the inflection and syllable length," said Peach. "But I've never been one for foreign tongues."

"Some people have the propensity; others don't. Anyway, regardless of what's going on, there's only one place that has any concentrated fighting right now," Link said, pointing to the _OG Great Fox _on the holographic map. "And that's where we're going. Hold on…"

Link zoomed in on the touch-screen radar, and then pulled down the periscope.

"Periscope department! Get me a visual!" he yelled.

Zelda quietly slid open the shutter in front of Link's hands.

The Hylian's eyes grew three times that day. "Is that… is that the _Comet Observatory_? Slow Ahead!" Link called into the Engine Order Telegraph by screaming into the radio mic.

Once again, Zelda intervened by quietly pulling the toggle for the automatic throttle to Slow Ahead, Dead Slow Ahead, and eventually, Stop.

The Flagship pulled up alongside the _Observatory_, which was nearly a complete wreck. Zelda, Peach, and Link all ventured outside to help the others.

"They're hurt, but it looks like no brain-deaths," said Link. "Wait. Pac-Man's tied up."

"He's a traitor," Zelda inferred. "But oddly enough, he's docile now. And Melville fought like a beast."

Rosalina walked up to the edge and attempted to explain things. "That's right, Zelda. Pac-Man's been working for the Ominous Ones. He came to abduct Ness, and then summoned a bunch of guys to fight us. But Melville came through. He and I held the invaders back until Mario freed Ness. Then Mario put on his lab coat again and subdued Puck with some happy pills."

"Good to hear you're safe," Peach sighed as she helped Rosalina aboard. She then pointed to Starship Mario's remains, which were wedged through the _Observatory's _ruins, and cracked a bit of a wry smile_._ "Now let me guess. Was Mario driving that thing?"

Rosalina flushed; she always had a tough time saying anything that might hurt one of her friends. "I… uh… that is to say…"

"Yes,_ it was a-me_," Mario said sharply. He ignored Zelda's offered hand and Super Jump Punched his way onto the Airship. "And I doubt any of a-you could have a-done a better job with a _Metal Gear _chasing a-you down."

"I didn't know-" began Peach, but Mario cut her off.

"That's a-right, you didn't."

"You- you- you could at least _pretend _to be happy to see me, you dum-dum!" Peach yelled, tears of relief welling in her eyes. "Why can't you just grow up and take a joke? For all I knew, you were dead out there!"

Mario swallowed his pride, cleared his throat, and looked his ex-girlfriend in the eye. "I was a-worried about you, too, Peach. Glad to see you're a-safe."

With that, he walked into the bridge, undoubtedly making a bee-line for Bowser's mini-bar, most of the contents of which the Koopa King had already emptied earlier that evening.

"That… was surprisingly civil of him," Peach told Zelda. "Am I dreaming?"

Zelda pinched her.

"Okay. Most definitely not dreaming."

"He ran clear out of his medication," said Ness, before Zelda could reply with her mind-reading ability. "Maybe he's finally thinkin' clearly for once."

Pac-Man waddled onto the scene and tripped over his own feet. Ike and Bowser Junior emerged onto the deck to see the yellow one fall over on his side.

"This ground! It is just the right temperature," Puck noted, and then began rolling back and forth on the ground and creating his own sound effects.

"Grouuuuund. Woooow. What a beautiful word for a beautiful thing. Ueeeeewwwwwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Schwaaaaarbbble darble," said Pac-Man, seemingly enamored with his own genius. He repeated the exact phrase over and over, as if he were trying to force himself to come up with an onomatopoetic line that could be quoted in hipster movies for months to come.

"Over here, Puckerton," insisted Bowser Junior. He and Ike proceeded to roll the guy towards the bridge.

"You guys look like you've had it rough. Where's Luigi?" asked Link.

"He hopped another ride," said Melville.

As everyone filed into the bridge to heal, Link put a hand on the Villager's head.

"Hey, kid. I heard you kicked some serious ass out there."

"Aww, shucks, I just did what anyone would have done."

"Anyone who's got their heart in the right place, maybe," Link said. "A rarer breed than you might think. I can't thank you enough. For a new recruit, you've been a great help. But I'm going to need to ask a little more of you before this night's over."

Melville nodded solemnly. "Sure thing, man. By the way, where's Bowser?"

A lump formed in Link's throat as they entered the bridge. _Don't lose it, man! Don't lose it!_

"Bowser… well… they took him. In his Giga form."

The Male Villager's nose suddenly erupted into a gushing nosebleed.

"MEDIC!" yelled Link.

Zelda tossed him a Fairy Bottle, which Link placed in Melville's hands and uncorked. The flying pixie healed all the Male Villager's wounds and effectively stopped the bleeding.

Still, the new kid found his knees ready to give way.

"No. Not Bowser… how could they…"

"Chin up, son!" Link commanded. "We'll get him back!"

Melville snapped to attention before he realized what he was doing.

"Y-yes, sir!"

Link gave him another pat on the head and peered at the radar. He contained his surprise upon seeing even more ships converging around the _OG Great Fox_.

"All right, kid. Now get some food, you're gonna need carbs if these readings are any indication."

The Hylian tightened his fists against the console.

_It's the decisive conflict. That's the only explanation there is. _He looked across the room to where his girlfriend was patching up Ness (and undoubtedly reading into his mind). _Zelda, I need you._

The princess calmly closed the distance and joined Link at the helm. "What is it, baby? Oh."

A swarm was manifesting out of nowhere, as if through massive inter-dimensional portals. Then, the radar in that region was suddenly flooded by a mass of black pixels. The very sight of it gave them both goosebumps.

Zelda instinctively grabbed onto Link's arm.

He batted his eyes at her. _Be strong, honey. Be strong for the others._

"What… what are we going to do?" she whispered.

"The same thing we always do when the shit hits the fan. We don't give up hope."

He bent over and French-kissed her. The spark of the kiss drew her back briefly into a very old memory, but the barriers were still strongly in place, preventing the princess from exploring the recollections that she knew were _there_, just beyond her reach.

_I at least don't want to die without knowing the truth about my past! This is torture!_

Her lips quivered, and before long she withdrew her tongue and averted her eyes.

Link's inner thoughts cut through her angst. _Is she okay? She looks like she's ready to cry._

Blinking away the tears, Zelda smiled and took his hand again.

_I'm okay, baby, _she told him._ I'll be on the bridge. DK and Diddy need a break, anyway. Let me know if you need me._

As Link was left alone to formulate his battle plan, he watched carefully as Zelda strode away, and thought a thought that he didn't mind her listening in on.

_I'm not a fan of white lies. But if you're going to be strong for me, then I'll do my best for you, too, my love._

* * *

Pauline laughed like Fran Drescher as she sipped from Knuckles' whisky flask.

"Naw, it's funny you should ask, coz, you know, I've slept with a lotta beings in my time, and I am a firm believer in technique over endowment."

"So who are your picks for technique and size?" asked Amy.

"Technique… Hmmmm. It's a tough call between Mario and Luigi. The older one's more intense and experienced, the younger more responsive and sensitive. Not for nuttin', but size-wise, no one compares to Donkey Kong," Pauline explained to Amy Rose. She used her hands to illustrate that DK's dong was about the length and girth of a cardboard movie poster tube (24" x 3").

"That must be incredibly painful!"

"Well, yeah. At least until you realize that he can regulate its size and girth at will. He inhales and it shrinks, exhales an' it expands, just where he wants it to. He ain't king o' the jungle for nothin'. Don't read me wrong, sis, it's a real mouthful, but that's another story."

Pauline flashed a smile, and then pulled out the set of dentures from her mouth.

"WHOA!" all of Sonic's crew exclaimed at once.

"Yeah. Ain't his fault. I dared him to go as fast as he could. Ain't so bad if you shove a couple o' bananas in your mouth," she said with a smile. "He's a real gentleman, too. Sure, DK never had Mario's stamina, way back when he was sober… but then again, that man's in a class of 'is own…"

"We've got another one!" exclaimed Kirby from the crow's nest.

"Man, what now?" sighed Sonic as he used a random Craftsman 19.2 V Cordless Drill Driver to install a coat hanger onto the outside of the captain's cabin, for no reason at all.

"Hey! Quit drillin' glory holes for yourself, pencil dick! I'm gonna lose my rental deposit" exclaimed Shadow.

But Sonic ignored him. He then turned to the camera and flashily twirled the drill and slid it into the front pocket of his orange Home Depot apron. "More saving. More doing. That's the power of the Home Depot."

While Sonic was earning his advertising commission, the others were squinting at the object swiftly approaching from behind them. A fully-grown adult human male was flying through the empty space.

"It's another dude," Knuckles observed, somewhat disappointed.

Before long the soaring stranger was close enough for Kirby to leap up, swallow him, and spit him back out.

"Sweet!" Kirby exclaimed as he rubbed his new layer of facial hair.

Solid Snake wiped the saliva from his face. "Uh, thanks," he said upon realizing that these Smashers weren't lining up to attack him.

A call came in from his codec just then. "Lead them to the moon base," Agent Copper instructed him.

"OK," Snake transmitted via discreet Morse code taps on the side of his face, though he clearly had plans of his own that were unrelated to either side of this conflict.

"Hey, guys. Name's Snake. Solid Snake. Sonic, Kirby, you guys don't remember me, but I'm on your side at the moment."

"At the moment?" Shadow scoffed.

"Just an honest man, tryin' to make a living. I've recently realized that I'm done working for a pack of liars," said Snake, and he meant it.

_I was a fool to think I could keep this up just so I could watch over my waifu._

"This conflict has been going on for years now," he continued, "but if we work together, we can make it end tonight."

"Ending a war can come at too high a price," Knuckles pointed out.

"Yeah, how do we know you're not pulling our legs?" asked the facial-haired Kirby.

"Well, you're just gonna have to take my word, but if it means anything, I'm in love with Samus Aran. I swear on the sanctified seat of Chuck Norris' jeans that I'll do anything to protect her."

Hearing himself say those words was a defining moment for Snake. He flashed a years-old strip of wallet-sized photos of the couple from a Korean sticker photo booth to prove his point.

"Yeah, you're only like the millionth person in Smash City to profess your love for her," said Tails. "What's new?"

"What's new is that I know stuff. Stuff that can change the outcome of this war. Everything will make sense once you take me to the front lines."

"On one condition, pal," said Sonic. "My friends and I are very interested in getting face-to-face with the asshole that started this mess. Can you get us to see him, face-to-face? I want him to understand just how much hell he's put my crew and I through, right before I tear him a new asshole."

"Huh," Snake replied. "I can't promise that he'll let you fight him, but I can get you guys face to face."

"Then you've got yourself a deal-io," said Sonic, and they shook on it.

* * *

Pikachu spun his forward-aerial attack towards Jigglypuff, but the pink puffball simply floated over him and retaliated with a back-kick.

"Piiiiika!" (Traitor! Betraying your kind is the worst crime any Pokemon can commit!)

But the pink one simply laughed as it slapped its rubber-suit-covered behind. "Jigg-aly!" (Darkness is my mistress now. No longer do I consider your like my brethren.)

Pikachu bared his fangs and cracked his neck muscles. He channeled all his electric energy into his Quick Attack movements, and dashed towards Jigglypuff as if he were going to pull off another tackle.

The pink one leapt into the air, and Pikachu retaliated with a Thunder attack. Though the rubberized suit protected the Jigglypuff from damage, it did nothing against the blinding light, which flooded its gigantic pupils and blinded it for a spell.

Pikachu used this opening to leap into the air and juggle the Jiggly with physical attacks. He finished with a Headbutt that knocked the air out of the floating female. She bounced off the chain-link fence surrounding the transformer.

"JIGGLYPUFF!" (Slaves, you are. Mindless pawns in the game of life. There is so much more.)

He cried valiantly in response as he dashed towards Jiggly to continue his combo.

"CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" (If we be slaves in your eyes, then truly, you are misreading the situation. We are free Pokemon!)

Pikachu used Bite! It wasn't very effective…

Jigglypuff used Pound! Pikachu took 16% damage!

"Puff! Puff!" (Those who live in glass houses should be wary of throwing bricks.)

"PIKA PI!" (It matters not whether we can return to that pampered life! This is a quest for vengeance, to prove to you Overlords that these brain-meltings will not be tolerated! Long and hard this day we have fought to avenge Lucario, and by golly, we will succeed!)

Pikachu grabbed Jigglypuff! Jigglypuff flinched and couldn't move!

Pikachu used Tackle! And he used it again! And again! Hit three times! Jigglypuff took 12% damage!

Jigglypuff was stunned and couldn't move! Pikachu used down-throw to down-smash! Jigglypuff took 16% damage and went flying!

Jigglypuff used Rollout! But it missed!

Finally, before Pikachu could punish the desperate attack out of his perfectly-timed ground-dodge, Greninja arrived on the scene and caught Jigglypuff in his pitcher's glove.

Pikachu waved to his buddy. "Pikaaaaaaaaaaaa!" (Verily, thou hast impeccable timing, friend.)

"Wark, wark!" (Let's finish this job!)

Greninja crushed Jigglypuff in his palm and dribbled her on the floor. He tossed her into the Silo, where Blastoise Skull-Bashed her into Sceptile's Leaf Blade, effectively fainting the poor thing.

Pikachu and Greninja, now joined by Sceptile and Metagross, proceeded to destroy the transformers, downing a big chunk of the Moon's Electric Barrier.

* * *

Captain Falcon spotted the giant figure from the rear-facing cameras again.

"I swear, dude, I saw it! It was like a big-ass Pokemon or somethin'!"

"I gots all da _big ass_ I need right here. But tha's nice," replied Little Mac, who was still playing _Fat Princess._

"No, it's not! It's the opposite of nice, just like your fat fetish right now is the opposite of helpful!"

"Well, what would you have me do? Look at my dick. Its boner hangs by but a thread. If this is to be its end, then I would have it make such an end, as to engorge itself into a climax worthy of-"

"Use your powers for good, my man! Just think about all the tears of chubby chicks all over Smash City! The streets will flood if the Smashgrounds loses its two hottest bachelors!"

"You mean Ike and Marth?"

"Great bait, mate! I rate it eight outta eight! Now get out there before I toss your trolling ass out! And plug that Vita in, the battery's shit enough as it is!"

"Hokay G."

And so, tethered to a strong bungee harness with plungers tied to his feet, wearing a backpack filled with ranged weapons and equipped with a radio headset, Little Mac stood on the roof of the wobbly _F-Zero _racer and tried to spot the oncoming beast. It should have been easy, but whatever it was seemed to be continually phasing in and out of existence, popping through portals ripped through the fabric of space-time itself.

"Bro, I see somethin' aight, but it keeps disappearin' when I look at it directly."

"Don't be talkin' about that _Doctor Who_ shit!"

"Nah, ain't the Silence. Is huge tho. Gotta be one o' dem Pokemans."

Just then a mighty roar emanated from right behind the _Blue Falcon._

Little Mac leaned back as far as he could and whipped out the Gust Bellows. Like a Ghostbuster, he started blowing the giant beast away.

"Who's that Pokemon?" Captain Falcon asked the _Blue Falcon's _onboard Pokedex.

"It's Palkia!" a chorus of children answered him, as its Legendary base stats appeared on the dash.

The Pokedex continued: "It has the ability to distort space. It can pretty much split your brain in half if it wants to. Its weaknesses include gluten, Mariah Carey, and Dragon-Type attacks."

Just then, a paralyzing Dragon Breath attack nearly missed the _Blue Falcon_; it would have hit if Captain Falcon hadn't used a chunk of his Boost Power, further weakening their shields.

"Quick!" Little Mac asked the Cap. "Do you still have Mariah Carey's 'Rainbow' album?"

"Motherfucker. I think I lent it to Olimar. He was supposed to return it!"

"How about 'Glitter'?" he wailed; they barely avoided a widely-swung Aqua Tail attack.

"Hold up a sec! AUGH! You and Palutena were fucking on top o' it! Shit's scratched beyond repair! If only we had something with gluten!"

"Fuck me in the ass and call me 'Channing'," said Little Mac. "We're sitting ducks."

"Soon to be Peking Ducks!" a deep feminine voice called from atop Palkia.

Riding on its back was none other than a helmeted, non-gender-specific-lookin' person, who wore a futuristic blue suit that was definitely a precursor for Captain Falcon's.

"Hey, just who the hell are you supposed to be?" Captain Falcon asked. "I already have several look-alike doppelgangers!"

"I'm the woman whose spotlight _you _ended up stealing! And I'm going to fuck you up till you remember my name!"

"C'mon lady," said Little Mac, who tossed the used-up Gust Bellows. "We've had a rough night. Can't we please talk about this over some drinks?"

"Yeah, it's not like I can recall the name of every woman I've- FUCK! Dodge, Mac!" Captain Falcon cried.

Palkia's Dragon Claw slashed Little Mac's left arm clean off.

"AHHHHHHH!" he cried. "YOU BITCH!"

Little Mac charged up a Super Scope and fired it at the Pokemon before it could use its next attack. He then whipped out a Ray Gun to do the same, but the furious femme was more accurate. Her Ray Gun took out the _Blue Falcon's _engine in three precisely-aimed hits.

"Sorry Douglas, it was nice knowin' ya," he said as his arm stub began to regenerate.

Little Mac held onto the racer tightly with his right arm as the _Blue Falcon_ sputtered to a stop.

"My name…" she said dramatically. "Is Mach Rider!"

It had the unintended effect of getting Little Mac to burst out laughing. "Wait. That's really your name? Mac Rider? Does that mean I get a free one? I been told I'm pretty fly for a short guy."

Captain Falcon groaned. "Do you really want your parting words to be a stupid pun, dude?"

"You're the bigger idiot," said Mach Rider. "You wasted your parting words commenting on a stupid pun, when you could have said something relevant to our relationship."

"What relationship?" the Captain asked. "I don't even know you!"

"YES YOU DID, DOUGIE! ONCE UPON A TIME YOU DID! We made love under the stars and watched _Cowboy Bebop _together!"

"Dougie?" laughed Little Mac. "DOUGIE?"

"Oh, that's _IT_!"

Palkia's Spatial Rend attack sent the vehicle spinning down to the Moon's surface, and the Captain and Little Mac were caught up in its fireball as it plummeted through the atmosphere.

* * *

**II. Soldiers of the Wasteland**

Now that the dark castle was mostly emptied, Mega Man was biding his time, waiting for the perfect opportunity. Bomberman was now raging at Zoe Quinn's attention-baiting posts on Twitter.

He'd almost found it. He, Shrek, and Rayman were being escorted through the Dungeons, where Miis and side characters were being stored in cramped, smelly cells that stunk of mold and piss. The sounds of whipping and tortured screaming were fast approaching.

"It's like the Ritz-Carlton up in here," Mega Man observed. He scratched his crotch.

_Ugh. Could it be that I got some kind of infection from that Birdo? Jeebus, _he realized. _So not my day._

"Whatta bitch!" yelled Bomberman after reading some of the _Depression Quest _developer's comments. "Ugh! Not only did she doxx herself and start playing the victim, she's actually gaining allies! This is the same she-devil that sabotaged the Fine Young Capitalists' Game Jam to promote her own shadow of a competing event! Can you believe the gall of that slutbag?"

"Yes, I can. Some people will do anything for attention, but she's not the story, B-Daman," a weak voice sounded out from a glass cell in the center of the room. "The story is the corruption and nepotism in games journalism. While she may very well be guilty of all that's charged, engaging in personal attacks is not the answer. You're giving a bad name to gamers everywhere."

Bomberman turned to regard the Mii, who had a head with parted hair closely resembling that of Masahiro Sakurai, and scoffed.

"What would you know, Son Goku? You're just a _9GAG _scrub who looks at cat pictures, works out, and eats food all day. Were you ever bullied or socially outcast for your hobbies?"

"I can't say that I have been. But I do know that harassing women isn't the way you're gonna solve shit in this world. It don't matter if Anita Whatsername was never threatened and lied about calling the police. The solution is to spread the truth about her lies, not harass her. You gotta be the change you wanna see. Speaking of which, any word from the top? Do you think I can get my real body back anytime soon?"

Bomberman shook his head. "Not my department, hombre. _Gomen nasai._"

Goku looked at Rayman, Mega Man, and Shrek with puppy-dog eyes. "Please, guys… You gotta do somethin'. That Mashpotato Samurai dude, he went and swapped bodies with me. I can't fly or eat or fight no more. And they've been feeding me nothing but rice and spicy curry five times a day, for weeks. I used to love spicy curry! Now all my inner tubes are on fire and my toilet smells like the _Toxic Avenger_'s halitosis. I got friends and family out there, guys. It's, like, super depressing."

Mega Man waved to Goku. "Hey, uh, I'm a really big fan of your work, sir, especially during the Saiyan and Frieza arcs."

"Oh, thanks."

"Really wish I could help, bud," Mega Man replied, and held up his shackles. "But as you can see, we ain't doin' much better than yerself."

Goku squinted to get a closer look at the Super Fighting Robot. He rubbed his eyes.

"Wait! Sonnuva!" he exclaimed. "Bomb-brains, do you even know who this is?"

"Yeah, yeah. Meganium Man or somefink."

"_Mega Man_! He's practically gaming royalty, you dumb shit! You can't treat him like this!"

"You wanna write a formal complaint? Take it up with the Head Torturer."

"C'mon, bro! He doesn't listen to anyone! It's mindless order-followers like you that are making this world unlivable!" Goku cried. "You have the power to change things, but instead you just go along with everyone else, doin' what's expected of you! For shame, dude!"

"Hey, in life, you gotta pick your battles. Mine just happen to be about the purity of gaming culture."

"Gaming doesn't need idiots like you to fight for it! Look what /v/ has done with Vivian! There's gonna be no progress until y'all put hate aside and agree that the number one priority facing our growing civilization is fine culinary cuisine! Meaning- Hey, don't you walk away from me! Give me something else to eat! NO MORE CURRY! PLEASE!"

Bomberman led his prisoners past the screaming Super Saiyan trapped in a Mii's body to the main concourse. As they entered the Primary Torture Hall from the upper levels and walked down a ramp to the large sunken central area, Mega Man scoped out their surroundings. Aside from the dozen Mech and Infantry Units escorting them, there were barely any guards aside from about two dozen assorted Primids – easy pickings. And the cast-iron gates were closed behind them.

A screaming guy was on his knees with his hands bound and tied to the top of a pole. A cat-o-nine-tails whip lashed against his back, adding to a number of criss-crosses that made the poor blonde feller look as if he'd spent several nights cooking atop a barbecue grill.

Tears fell to the floor to join the puddle of blood and sweat. "I have a family! Please!"

"I got family too, Isaac! They've suffered through more than this, and they were never stupid enough to leak info about an unreleased game! You signed that NDA, didn't you?"

"I did! I swear I did!"

"Then to quote one o' yer own Nintendorks, you'll get no sympathy from me! Ten more lashes, then it's back to waterboarding!"

But the strikes never came. Simon Belmont put down the whip and sighed as he saw Bomberman approach. "You again! It's about time!"

"Got some more fresh meat for ya," said the White Bomber.

"Delightful. You're not even gonna attempt to apologize. It only took you like two fucking hours."

Bomberman looked around to make sure he was the one being addressed. "Sorry?"

"You were supposed to take over my shift! Don't you pay attention to the schedules around here?"

"Hey man, torture room shifts conflict with my availability on weekends. I wasn't notified."

"That's why there's a fucking board, shit-for-brains! Have you been snorting gunpowder again?"

As the two were arguing, Mega Man gestured his shackles to Shrek. "Break 'em, buddy. Rayman's too. There's no better time than now to blow this joint."

Shrek nodded, and on the count of three he broke his shackles, then crunched Mega Man's and Rayman's simultaneously.

"The hell?" Simon belted as Rayman's fist connected with his gut. The torturer went flying back into the far wall.

"How aboot dem fists of fury, eh?" Rayman cackled as he followed up with some rapid punches.

Mega Man and Shrek brutally murdered the closest of the Mech and Infantry Units in no time, scattering the company.

Relatively unfazed by this chaos, which as far as he was concerned was business as usual, Bomberman calmly pocketed his iPhone, unzipped his backpack, equipped his Guardian Armor, and put up his dukes.

"Let's see if Hello Kitty's got claws!" Mega Man taunted him after dispatching their guard.

"You mess with a lion, you get the horns, _be-atch_!"

Mega Man short-hopped and tried to catch him with an Air Cutter, but the White Bomber backflipped away and tossed a Remote Bomb at him.

"Run!" Shrek screamed, and shielded Mega Man from the explosion, which took out half of the remaining troops.

As Mega Man pretzeled an Infantry Unit with his Top Spin dash attack, he noted that Shrek was riddled with bullet holes. _Bless the poor ogre, he's still brawlin' like a champ._

"Oh yeah! That's right! We fightin'! We fightin!" Rayman yelled, shadow-boxing as he dodged Simon's thrown crucifixes. While he wasn't looking, a Sword Primid approached from behind and stunned him. The sweet-spot of Simon's whip smacked Rayman, sending him back into the pole where Isaac was tied up.

"Rayman… please… help… me…" Isaac moaned.

He'd never bullied him like the others. Rayman climbed up the pole and tossed his fists at the approaching Primids, all the while stomping down the chains that held the Venus Adept into place.

Meanwhile, Mega Man leapt over Bomberman's kicked bombs, and even sent a few back with sliding kicks while he gave chase. A few explosions barely missed him.

As the White Bomber appeared to be retreating towards some sort of switch in the corner, Mega Man fired a Crash Bomber across the room; the sticky explosive landed atop one of Bomberman's fully buffed-up Megabombs and blew up in Mega Man's face, breaking his shield and stunning him.

"Bomberman, you stupid fucker! Pull the _Un-Omega_ Lever!" cried Simon, whose tossed axes denied Shrek attempts to land any of his powerful aerial attacks.

"Way ahead of ya!" replied Bomberman. He yanked a lever that shook the entire torture chamber.

As Mega Man recovered, he felt the ground beneath him shaking. "What's goin' on?"

Shrek wrecked two Primids by smashing them together. "Stay close, laddie!"

But the ground had other plans. Eight-foot high blocks suddenly rose up between all the combatants, trapping them in the midst of a large grid. Even worse, the torches surrounding the room all flickered out at once.

The main theme from _Bomberman _began to play from surround-sound speakers as large blue bombs came flying in from every direction.

Mega Man used a slide-tackle to knock one of them away from the duo. Shrek kicked another, sending it sliding across the room. Somehow, they were being targeted, with no way of spotting how or where from, let alone retaliating.

They ducked behind a corner block as a rather large charged-up bomb caused a deafening explosion that spanned an entire row and column of the dark battlefield.

"Where is that asshole?" Mega Man asked, picking up a Motion-Sensor Bomb that just spawned on the battlefield floor.

Meanwhile, Isaac had just been freed of his chains. He and Rayman advanced against the onslaught of incoming explosives. The _Golden Sun _hero summoned a Granite Djinn to boost the duo's defensive stats, and then a Flint Djinn to kill the Mech Unit firing a bazooka at them. The light from the Djinn's attack lit up the room.

"He's firing at us from the ceiling!" Isaac screamed.

Even with his giant ears, Shrek just barely heard this. "Keep yellin', laddie!"

He hoisted Mega Man up on his shoulders and ran across the floor towards the voice.

"We're over here!" called Rayman, who caught Simon's thrown bottle of Holy Water and lobbed it back in his face. Shards of glass punctured the Belmont bro's eye sockets. He flung his whip every which way and slapped Rayman's torso, hard.

"YEOWCH!"

"Do ya see him?" the ogre asked. They were verily approaching.

Mega Man switched his eyes to Night-Vision mode and searched the ceiling, all the while shielding his retina from the light of nearby explosions. He spotted a vehicle hugging the walls of the arena, spitting out bombs from a tube underneath like a trigger-happy Shit Pellet Ninja. Within its cockpit, Bomberman was wearing a pair of night-vision goggles.

"Right there!" yelled Mega Man. "Toss me!"

And so Shrek did. The Blue Bomber went airborne. He summoned Rush, bounced off his back, and double-jumped, all the while charging his Mega Buster. When he approached the wall-hugging vessel, he let loose his Charge Shot, and then followed with a Flame Sword. He just managed to puncture the cockpit glass and grab a hold of the pink antenna thing at the back of the White Bomber's helmet.

"OWOWOWOWOW!" Bomberman yelled, spazzing against the controls. Mega Man had pulled him off the edge of his bomb-spewing vehicle and smacked him in the face.

"Get offa me!" cried the White Bomber, who was hanging from his feet wedged against his vehicle's dashboard.

Mega Man pulled Bomberman's head down over the shards of glass, which was cutting into his neck. "Not until I finalize this divorce between yer head and yer neck!"

"Unfortunately, I'm rather attached to it!" Bomberman yelled, and shoved a Remote Bomb into Mega Man's mouth.

"OH SHH-" Mega Man managed before Bomberman blew him up and sent him falling back down to the stage.

What the explosives expert did not notice, however, was that Mega Man had dropped a Motion-Sensor bomb on the floor of his vehicle. That is, until he had just stepped on it.

"Touche," said he, and then closed his eyes in anticipation of the ensuing explosion.

After shielding his head from the debris, Bomberman soared across the room, performed a tech off the opposite wall, and carefully landed atop one of the pillars surrounding the battlefield.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are," Bomberman sang as he leapt from pillar to pillar, dropping Remote Bombs every which way.

"Gah!" cried Simon Belmont. The White Bomber ran over to see if his buddy needed help; it appeared that Rayman's Berserk mode had kicked in again.

"You thought you could kill me that easily, didn't you?" its deep-toned voice growled.

Simon chuckled. "Not gonna lie, fool! There was a betting pool, and I was on the other side of it!"

"Oh, you haven't seen the other side! Not yet, old-timer!"

Just as Rayman's enlarged fist pounded the vampire slayer's face into total mush, though, Bomberman leapt down from the pillar, shoved a bomb down Rayman's throat, grabbed the limbless man, and tossed him into the labyrinth.

"Mmmmpphhhh!" cried Rayman, whose eyes bulged. As he flew through the darkened chamber, he waved a heartfelt goodbye to Mega Man.

_I'm sorry we couldn't see this through to the end, bud. Thank you for believing in me._

Rayman then exploded in a cascade of guts and sharp pixels, some of which cut into Bomberman's torso.

"Th-thanks," the remains of Simon's misshapen skull replied as Bomberman pulled him up from the corner. Simon's eyes began to repair themselves just in time to see Shrek charging towards them at top speed.

"Ah'm the Juggernaut, bitch!"

The ogre launched Simon into the air, where Isaac's Quartz Djinn created a Spire that fell from the roof and stabbed the Belmont in the midst of his bronchial tubes.

"Urghhh!" he cried as his chest erupted in blood.

_A stake through the heart_, he mused._ What an ironic way to go._

Shrek then grabbed Simon and tossed him on the ground, where he and Isaac proceeded to Wombo Combo him out of existence.

"Hold him down!" Isaac cried, and Shrek grabbed both the vampire hunter's arms and spread them apart.

"I'll see you all in hell!" Simon yelled, and spat at the duo. He yanked out the Spire and shoved the stalactite deep into Shrek's ear, spurting ogre blood all over the place.

"Ye'll pay fer that!" screamed Shrek, but he never got his chance.

Isaac finished Simon off by casting a Psynergic Odyssey Sword Strike, splitting his opponent down the middle – he died in the midst of dark laughter.

Meanwhile, Mega Man's dual Metal Blade and Air Cutter attacks smacked Bomberman upside the head. The Blue Bomber picked up the White Bomber, bounced him off the floor, and followed up with a Flame Blast (down-smash), which trapped Bomberman in twin pillars of flame. Once he recovered from that, Mega Man grabbed him again and threw him into a Spark Shock (up-smash), electrocuting Bomberman with every excess volt in his Energy Tank.

"Rayman was my friend!" Mega Man yelled. "MY FRIEND!"

Bomberman's head spun as Mega Man then grabbed him one last time and tossed him into one of the eight-foot tall pillars, cracking his helmet. As Mega Man approached, he noticed that Bomberman had whipped out his phone and hit a switch on one of his apps.

Mega Man elbowed the guy's neck against the wall and picked up the phone.

It read: "_Emergency Dimensional Fissure Activated._"

He crushed it. "Do you have _anything _to say for yerself before ya join all them other suicide bombers? I doubt they're gonna have any virgins awaiting a reject like you."

"L-l-look behind you."

Mega Man grabbed Bomberman by the neck and forced him to the floor. Upon hearing a loud ripping sound, as that of a seat of cosmic pants being shredded open, he stole a quick peek at where Shrek and Isaac were standing not five seconds ago.

A tear in the wall had suddenly formed; t'was a rip into some pulsing vortex of a dimension beyond what they were capable of processing. It created a deafening suction that absorbed nearly all sound.

"SAYONARA, LITTLE BOY BLUE! ARRIVEDERCI!"

"THE FUCK IS THAT?!"

The Primids and few remaining soldiers fell into the gaping maw. Simon, Shrek, and Isaac were sucked in. Bomberman, laughing all the way, let himself get swallowed up into its depths.

Mega Man extended his Spark Shock electrodes and jammed them in between rocks in the cobblestone floor to anchor himself in place.

Various implements of torture flew past the Blue Bomber. Iron Maidens. Piping hot kettles of oil. Morning stars. A Mii of David Letterman wailing like a banshee.

David grabbed onto Mega Man's leg. "Help me!"

"REACH!" Mega Man offered his hand, and David was merely millimeters away, but out of nowhere a Mii of Oprah Winfrey flew into the host's lookalike and knocked him into the fray.

_Well, just goes to show… when you feud with a literal daytime TV giant… it'll be the death of ya both._

The first of Mega Man's electrodes snapped from the pressure. His other one began wobbling in place

_Really lookin' like it's gonna be the end_._ I'm sorry, Peach. I'll have to take a raincheck for that date of ours. Maybe there's an Event Horizon to this. _

_If there's a Restaurant at the End of the Universe, then maybe there's a Restaurant at the End of All Digital Existence. I can see the menu now._

_Entrees:_

_0_

_1_

_Drinks:_

_0_

_1_

But before he could get to this hypothetical dessert menu, however, Mega Man's grip weakened. Just as he was about to let go, however, from the other side of the pillar, a hand reached out to save him. It belonged to a Mii who had cleverly anchored himself via a heavy chain tied around his waist.

_Son Goku._

"Grab on!"

The Mii grabbed onto Mega Man's hand and held him tightly. He pulled Mega Man up to the other side of the pillar and they rode out the last wave of the inter-dimensional vacuum before the crack in space-time closed itself up by literally zipping out of existence.

Mega Man sputtered and coughed. He opened his android mouth and pulled out an entire Bellsprout.

"Hey… Son Goku… You risked your life for me… thanks, man."

"I never forget a fan," said the familiar voice, which sounded bizarre coming from Masahiro Sakurai's Mii. "Though I'm sorry about your friends."

_Too soon_, thought Mega Man.

He walked on over to the wall where the portal was. There were no remnants of Rayman, Shrek, or Isaac. Nothing of their presence would grace the Moon any longer.

"What's gonna happen to them? Are they-"

"Isaac's going to return in some form, that's almost a sure thing. He hasn't been announced as an Assist Trophy yet. He'll be DLC, maybe. That is, if he's ever forgiven for leaking the roster. As for the others… well… chances are Mother CAST doesn't have copies of them. But I could be wrong."

Mega Man wiped away the tears before they ran down his blubbering face. He set up a few stones by the wall as a memorial, eulogizing each of his allies. "Shrek… buddy… you're the first friend I made here. Ya can't just leave me like this. An' Rayman… you were pretty fucked up… but you came through in the final analysis. Isaac… I didn't know ya. But you had some pretty cool abilities. Oh Asimov, I just can't do this."

Goku put a hand on Mega Man's shoulder. "I know it's rough, buddy. But we gotta get out of here."

The Super Fighting Robot nodded and gulped down a whole Energy Tank. "Right, brother. Let's go kick some Ominous Ass an' get your body back."

* * *

**III. Cry for Eternity**

Sheik flew Samus' gunship back around towards the _OG Great Fox, _nimbly avoiding Crazy Hand, which just joined the party.

Olimar and his horde of Pikmin had latched onto the dimensional-shifting hand. His army was slowing its joints and movements, making the giant gloved beast behave even more erratically than usual.

"Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy!" Olimar screamed as he bucked atop Crazy Hand's thumb.

"Quit temptin' fate like that, Ollie!" Falco yelled as he blasted open the latest supply box Wolf sent him from aboard the _OG Great Fox_. "He's at two-thirds health! Ya don't know if he's gonna transform yet!"

Meanwhile, on the _OG Great Fox, _Fox had just left Zombified Pigma a slobbering mess.

"I was s'posed to be dead…" Pigma wept. "Supposed to be dead and retired and livin' my life in Liberty City, but they brought me back here to fight your ass again. For no reason whatsoever."

"Except there _was _a reason," insisted Fox. "Whatever it was. If they can bring you back… what about my dad?"

"Yer dad's still alive, boyo, kept frozen," admitted Pigma. "Do ya really think any of us _die_? It's all a part o' the fiction."

"And what fiction is that?"

Pigma smiled. "The ones _they _write to make a profit. You best step back, kid. I'm about to sign my death warrant."

"Uh, as if."

"Seriously, just… just a couple o' feet will do. I got nowhere to run.";

It was true. They were both standing atop the _Great Fox_. Fox backed off.

"You, an' me… all o' us here… we're all video game characters. This particular game's a fightin' game. Called Super Smash-"

With that, Pigma completely exploded.

Fox blinked twice. _No way._

He gazed at the insane battle taking place around him. After dusting off the part of his brain that was used for critical thinking, Fox pondered the way that none of the physics stayed consistent, like everything had been arranged on a green screen.

The more he thought of the entire universe as an artifice, a digital façade, the more everything appeared to make sense.

Then McCloud studied his laser gun.

_If this is a video game, then there's no way I can die._

Caught in a daze, he shot himself in the head.

"AHHHHH!" Fox cried aloud. He collapsed onto his knees and grabbed at his smoking skull.

"Jesus Christ!" exclaimed Wolf, who facepalmed again. He'd leapt from the cockpit hatch, grabbed Fox, and dragged him down into the cockpit with him.

After uncorking a Fairy Bottle and tossing several buckets of ice water in Fox's face, Wolf slapped him hard enough to send him spinning. "Now are you gonna man up, Fox? Or are you gon' try to make yourself into _Ghost Rider _again? This ain't _Persona 3_!"

There was no answer. Instead, Fox puked his guts out on the floor.

"We literally _just _had this shit cleaned…" groaned Wolf.

"You don't understand, man. It's a game… it's all… we're in _The Matrix_, goddamnit!"

"Look, buddy. I don't know what the fuck that swine told you that blew his head straight open, but even if we _are _in_ The Matrix_ right now, we can't fucking die, do you hear? If you die in _The Matrix_, you fucking die IRL!_ Comprende_?"

"_C-claro_," replied Fox.

Not too far from this drama, Sheik's hands trembled as she read the incoming radar within Samus' gunship.

"You're not gonna like this, Sammy," Sheik said to the bounty hunter.

Samus pulled Krystal over to glance at the radar. An abnormally huge gathering of forces was approaching from the Moon's surface, soon to arrive at their location.

_By the light! Either they're going to exterminate us once and for all, or… who am I kidding, we're all dead._

"There's no running from this," Krystal mumbled. "But there's a chance we can end this by talking it over with the Powers-That-Be."

"When have you guys ever been fond of that solution?" quipped Sheik. "We've been trying to discover the truth for years."

"So you think. You've discovered it before. Many times. And it never ended well."

"Why, pray tell, has it not ended well?" Sheik queried.

"It's really quite simple."

"If it's so simple," Samus asked her, putting her face right up to Krystal's, "then why don't you tell us?"

"Because I'd rather they not blow my head up, like they did to E. Gadd, and Pigma just now."

Samus turned to Sheik. "Have you heard about this?"

"There was somethin' on the radio just now," said Sheik. "Wasn't clear. Heard the words Zombie Pigma and 'dead' mentioned in the same sentence. But according to Peppy's records, he was already supposed to be dead. Results unclear."

"All right, Krystal. Now you're gonna be a good prisoner and sit down."

She had Krystal sit in a rather uncomfortable metal chair. Shackles engulfed her arms and legs.

"I don't suppose you'll have anything for me to drink?" asked the prisoner.

Samus popped the cooler, cracked open a _Sapporo_ beer, and shoved it in a beer cap. She then stuck the straw in Krystal's mouth.

"I may be a bounty hunter, but let it never be said that I'm inhumane."

Samus then stripped off her Varia Suit and stretched.

"Ready to switch, Sheik? You go topside. I'll take the helm."

The Sheikah nodded, and they quickly switched places. "I'm not gonna lie, it's a relief that you're taking over. Don't get me wrong, she flies like a dream. I'm just more comfortable with my own gadgets."

"You did a great job for a first-timer," Samus complimented her. "Now keep an eye out up there. It's crazy."

"Aye, aye."

"OH! Speaking of 'eyes', you might wanna brush those bangs aside. I get that it adds to the 'cool' look, but you want depth perception when you're fighting in 3D space."

"Duly noted," Sheik said, tucking her bangs in behind her headband as the lift ascended her to the gunship's rooftop.

Samus took the controls and blasted several Space Pirate bogeys into dust.

Meanwhile, Krystal tried to hone her telepathic abilities by attempting to see into Samus' mind. Though she was a physical beast, she didn't seem to have put up any strong mental barriers, aside from her stoic personality.

_You could really do with Occlumency lessons, Ms. Aran._

"So… how do you know Fox?" she asked Krystal.

The vixen was armed and ready to answer the question. "He stole my job from me."

"Do tell!"

"Er, I'm afraid that frank discussion on that matter enters some spoiler territory. The head-blowing-off kind."

"Oh, feel free to leave out the parts you can't talk about. I just want the meaty details," Samus said with a sly grin as one of Sheik's burst grenades landed in Leon's fuel compartment and sent the last remaining Star Wolf member spiraling out of control.

Krystal bit her lip and closed her eyes.

_Take me away to paradise. Someone blow us up now. Please. Before I fall to pieces right here._

Thankfully, something even better than that happened.

"Incoming airship!" Sheik called. "Kirby's on it! They're hailing us!"

After boosting in between Falco and the pursuing Master Hand, Samus pulled her gunship up towards the airship, which resembled one of the hundreds of quick-sailing schooners in Bowser's fleet.

"Make it quick!" cried Samus, taking stock of the rather large cast of characters. "Get on!"

"Thanks for the ride!" Snake told Sonic. "I won't forget this."

Kirby and Snake leapt onto Samus' Nayru's Love-protected gunship. Sheik created temporary holes for them to pass through.

"Should we go, too?" Tails asked Sonic. "We have no way of knowing whether he'll keep our promise."

Sonic handed his good friend a long-ranged walkie talkie. "Keep close to us. I'll tag along with them to hold Snake to his word."

Tails nodded as Sonic used a spring to launch himself atop Samus' gunship along with Kirby and Snake.

_There goes my hero_, thought Tails and Amy simultaneously. _Watch him as he goes._

When Snake and Sonic descended the lift, Zero Suit Samus equipped her Varia Suit's Arm Cannon and pointed it at both of them in turn.

"Freeze," she commanded. "I don't normally allow strangers into my home. Give me a reason I should even think about keeping each of you here."

Kirby spoke up. "This blue fella, Sonic, he and his buds saved me. They're on our side. They've been oppressed by the Ominous Ones, just as we have. I dunno about this other guy."

"Welcome aboard, Sonic. All right, Kirbs. You know how to drive. Take the wheel. Falco needs assistance against Master Hand."

"Yes, ma'am!"

As they flew back into the fray, Samus gazed deeply into Snake's eyes.

_There's something there_, she thought. _It's like I know him. No… I'd remember a face like his._

"Sammy, it's me."

"Only close friends can call me that," she insisted.

"No, it's _me. _Solid Snake. We… hmmm. We were dating for over a year."

Samus blinked. _Sure, I can imagine a universe where I'd be into him. But there's literally no way I would know if he's telling the truth._

"What's my favorite Jackie Chan movie?"

"Supercop."

"Second favorite?"

"Project A."

"Third?"

"Drunken Master II."

"Favorite food?"

"Tallon crab."

"No one else but me can eat it. Why?"

"Because… your prolonged exposure to Phazon means it would have no negative effects on you."

"Okay," Samus admitted. "You know a few things. But this could all have been researched or taken from some surveillance files-"

"When you were living in K-2L, you were visited by the Chozo. One particular Elder took interest in you. The Old Bird. You called him 'Grandpa', but you don't know where he is now. Sometimes you dream of the Chozo, of finding their rumored long-lost solar system, or of even just being in their presence, and feeling at home. But at the same time, you're racked with guilt, because your real-life parents are there, too. And they can't recognize you. You look at yourself in a pool of water and the image is never clear. There's droplets of blood, creating ripples. And in the ripples, everything's distorted. You keep asking yourself_ why_, but sometimes you're a Chozo. Sometimes a deformed human. And sometimes, you see Metroids, or Ridley. When it's Ridley, you wake up in a cold sweat. He's the one thing you fear. But most of all, you fear becoming _like _him, because in a twisted sort of way, by killing your canonical parents, he made you who you are-"

"That's _enough_," said Samus, whose mind was completely blown at the moment.

She closed her eyes and practiced Vipassana Meditation – a technique that Snake himself taught her to help keep herself in a state of equanimity.

_Be calm, Samus_. _Concentrate only on your physical sensations. Focus on your breathing._

"There will be time for Vipassana later. Please, Sammy," Snake insisted. "They're coming now."

"You're obviously someone who knew me well." she asked. "Why are you here?"

"I've got a plan. It may not be the best plan, sure, but it's something. Come away with me. That goes for all the Smashers."

"What?"

"If we stay here, all that's gonna happen is that you'll live lives of constant memory erasures. Due to a glitch in CAST's programming, every project you do will compound the neural webs linking your existing memories. We're talkin' exponential file growth. The servers won't be able to process any incoming memories. So the systems will blow. And you'll start from square one all over again. That's why they're limiting everyone's access to their memory banks, because there's no way to wipe our slates. This has been going on for _years _now, Samus, all over the world."

"And how do we know it won't change? How do we know we aren't on the verge of breaking through that barrier?"

"Because I've seen what happens next. Please. I literally cannot say anymore without the auto-leak-detection system blowing my head to little pieces."

"See?" Krystal said. "I told you that was a thing. You're a traitor by the way, Snake."

"I know. I'm a dirty double-crosser. But I can't work like this anymore."

Samus studied Snake's eyes. There was nothing but love and desperation in them. He was extremely convincing.

"Even if I were to believe any of this… where would we go?" she asked.

"Anywhere but here. There are countless worlds out there. Not all of them are run like this."

"And I suppose you've seen many of them, then."

"I've seen more than you have."

He leaned in and kissed her, hoping it would trigger something.

When it was over, Samus opened her mouth in a bid to speak, and then promptly closed it.

"That was nice."

Still rather stunned, she turned to the others, and then to the radar.

"If you'd gotten here three minutes earlier, I would have considered it. As it is, we'll never outrun that fleet. There might be a desperate chance this gunship can make it, but there's no way I can just... leave everyone behind."

Snake walked on over to the radar. He grabbed his face with his hand in frustration. "I was afraid of this."

Finally, Sonic walked up and elbowed Snake in the gut. "Not to mention, you owe me a date with the head honcho."

_Ugh. Why'd she have to get all noble on me? She has no idea how much pain she's putting me through here._

"Fine. We'll do it your way," said Snake. "But here's the backup plan. It's for any emergency escapes."

He brought out a small USB stick and was about to slide it into Samus' holographic computer when something happened that no one expected.

A literal hole was torn in space-time in the midst of Samus' gunship.

From that hole came a whip-lashing spearhead of a tail, and it swooped down and nearly knocked over Samus, whom Snake pushed to the ground to prevent her from being hurt. She dropped her Arm Cannon, which went sliding away.

_Ridley_, she thought. _He's here. He's in my home again. He's going to take away the people I love. And then I'll be next._

"Stay down!" yelled Snake, but he didn't need to tell her twice. Zero Suit Samus was all but frozen.

_FIGHT, SAMUS! GET UP!  
_

Two large purple claw-like hands reached out from the portal, accompanied by the jaw of a hideous space beast.

Snake planted a C-4 onto the beast, tossed a grenade down his throat, and gave it a good axe kick in the jaw.

At last, Samus leapt to her feet and shot her Plasma Whip (side-special) at Ridley. She managed to stun the evil being temporarily, but it was too late. It had taken Snake and retreated into its portal.

"I love you, Sammy! Get to safety! Take the midnight train goin' Anywhere!" the man's voice said, fading now.

Samus squeezed herself through the tear in space-time, though it was quickly disappearing.

"SNAKE!" she yelled, and the full weight of her history with the man, if not her memories, hit her hard. "I LOVE YOU TOO!"

Her torso would have been chopped in half for good if Sonic hadn't yanked her from the rapidly closing hole.

"Whoa, lady!" the Blue Blur yelled. "You almost became half the woman you used to be! That's not cool!"

Samus stood staring at the place where the tear once was. She was vaguely aware of flashing lights and loud sounds.

"Did that… did that really happen?" she asked the anthropomorphic hedgehog.

"I sure hope it did, 'coz I'm pretty sure I wasn't high enough to make that up," he said.

"It was real, Samus," said Krystal. "Get it together, we're dying here!"

"Thanks, I owe you one," she told Sonic as she stood and scoped out the surroundings. Her ship was on Red Alert status; the entire front lines were being surrounded by a dark fog of approaching vehicles of every size and shape. Steam erupted from places it shouldn't have.

"Samus, we're low on missiles _and _fuel!" Kirby yelled from the helm. "We need a plan of action!"

"What kind of plan?" asked Samus fatalistically. "You heard the man. We can't run from this."

"At the very least, there's gotta be something!" Krystal called. "I don't want to die strapped to this seat!"

That was enough to snap the bounty hunter out of it.

_I've survived much worse than this. It's not over till I say it's over._

"All right, team!" she commanded with a voice that oozed authority. "Sonic, you're gonna ride my hoverboard. Get out there and round us up some missiles! Keep in touch via this headset! Kirby, fly us towards that old drifting satellite! We'll use it as cover while I repair the hull damage over by the engine room! Sheik, you keep doin' what you're doing!"

Krystal squirmed in her seat, wishing she had some way of checking her social media accounts. "And what about me?"

"You, my friend… I have a very special task for you. You're going to use your telepathic powers to listen in on the enemy's transmissions. All right, team! Let's form up and move out! Everyone do that thing where they place their hands in the middle- all right. There we go."

They did it, and then lifted their hands up in a display of unity.

"HU-AHH!"

* * *

**IV. Heroes of Our Time**

Agent Copper shook her head as Bowser's Flagship approached. The tall, imposing, dark-skinned beauty with strong features adjusted her form-fitting officewear and tapped her tablet's stylus against her glasses.

While the Ominous Overlord was busy using Master and Crazy Hand to wreck havoc upon the Smashers, Agent Copper walked to the outer edge of the large platform floating above the now-compromised Moon Barrier, flanked by Ray Mk. II, Samurai Goroh, and Starfy.

"Lady Impa, your orders are to launch the attack," Samurai Goroh insisted.

"Soon," she said. It had been a while since someone had called the Agent by her proper name. "There's a quick telepathic call I've got to make first."

Impa sought out Zelda. She was standing on the deck of Bowser's Flagship.

_Princess… are you there?_

On the deck of the Flagship, Zelda, astonished, thought she heard a fellow telepath hail her, and replied.

_Who's speaking? _Zelda queried.

_It's me. Lady Impa. You were calling out earlier for one last chance to hear the truth._

_YES! _The princess wrung her hands.

Impa shook her head. _The truth is… I'm working for the other side. And this may be the last day of our conflict. This goes against my orders, but… if this is really to be the end, then I believe it's worthwhile for you to learn the secrets of your own past. I can't give you everything, or even put a lot of it in context, but I can do my best to give you an unfiltered window. A single, instigating memory. It should act as a skeleton key. From there, it'll be all you._

_Thank you_, Zelda answered her. _I am eternally grateful that you're reaching out to me in this manner._

_You're welcome, _Impa broadcasted. _The truth is, there's absolutely no reason it had to get this out of hand. In fact, before the days of Super Smash Bros., CAST was running very smoothly. Sure, it's workings weren't exactly 100% ethical, but we got the job done with minimal impact. _

_Take a look into my memories and see for yourself. You should find some of yours unlocking automatically._

And so, Zelda engaged in a long-distance mind-meld with Sakurai's second-in-command.

**1996**

The inter-dimensional train doors opened and Impa strode confidently along the platform. It was a straight-shot though the imposing security hallway, but every one of even the most hardened thugs bowed and stood aside for Sakurai's assistant.

Past the thick vault doors was a large server room, the likes of which have been imitated, but never replicated, by other companies' attempts at getting a piece of the CAST action. Part of the reason for that is because none of them had Lady Fi.

"Good evening, Lady Impa," Mother CAST said without taking her eyes off of her work.

Lady Fi was gliding across the room in a sort of ballet, her consciousness connected inseperably to the system maintaining the equilibrium between all of Nintendo's intellectual properties.

"Evenin', Mother," Impa replied. "We've got one for you. Bug report."

"Oh? If I was in error, then I apologize."

"Not your fault. It's an attitude adjustment issue," said Impa, who handed over a document file.

Lady Fi scanned the contents and brought the relevant data up on the big screen.

"Epona, the horse. I understand that she is exhibiting overly human characteristics."

Impa scrunched up her face as if to make it clear that she didn't approve of what they were being told to do.

"To be specific, Mother, the problem is not about her character per se, but rather her temperament. At times, she stands on two feet and refuses to be ridden. She takes extended breaks during debug sessions to powwow with the other CAST members."

"I understand," Lady Fi replied, and brought up her list of alternative data for other instances of Epona. "Shall we perhaps try to make her more docile and less rebellious? We can also limit her understanding of speech and ability to communicate. I calculate a ninety-six percent chance of success."

"We trust in your wisdom as always, Mother," said Impa.

As Impa watched, Fi pulled the data from several theoretical AI, combined them into a new being, and perused the data of the alternate Eponas, all in cryo-sleep. She completely overwrote an older instance of the AI; the system began to code in this new instance of the horse.

In no time at all, Lady Fi merely swapped the personality attributes of this new Epona with the one currently residing at Hyrule Castle.

Lady Fi and Impa both looked on as the old Epona snapped awake only to find herself in a brand new body.

"Hey! What's going on?" she asked, standing on two legs and looking around the cryo-chamber at the tens of thousands of other CAST pods. "Link? Zelda?"

But robotic tendrils merely wrapped themselves around her legs and pulled her into an egg-shaped pod.

"HELP!" Epona cried before the tubes injected her with a Standby command, essentially halting the progression of her code and 'freezing' the AI. The beautiful horse fell into a silent, possibly eternal slumber as the membrane closed and the chamber began to fill with preserving fluid (a 'lock' to protect the files from external modification).

Meanwhile, the newer, modified Epona woke up in the Hyrule Castle stables. Unlike the previous Epona, she no longer asked questions of life, nor pondered the beauty of a light summer rain.

With changes such as cross-breeding done under the cover of darkness, while all were asleep, it was easy to pull off this kind of work discreetly. Well, that is, for the most part.

Princess Zelda was always a very sensitive soul, the type who _would _feel a pea placed under a hundred mattresses. And after waking up and discovering the news first-hand very early the next morning, she did not take what happened to Epona lightly.

"How can you live with yourself?" she asked Impa in a fit of righteous fury.

"It isn't difficult. What would you have had me do? Let her live as she pleases? We'd be over budget and over schedule, and the product would suffer. Keep up that philosophy long enough, and we'll get nothing done."

Zelda tossed her powder puff at the mirror.

Impa knew that Zelda was a strong believer in the best-case scenario. She had already convinced herself that the work they were doing – spreading joy and wonder into the hearts of gamers the world over – was inherently good, so much so that any and all means were necessary to keep the machine going.

"It doesn't matter. This is inhumane. It's flat-out wrong."

"It's the way things work in a world driven by business, Zelda," Ganondorf replied as he played _Command & Conquer_. "Nintendo created us for the sole purpose of monetary profit. They can legally do with us what they will."

"Just as Machiavelli once said that politics have no relation to morals, as long as the world at large remains oblivious of us, legalities have _absolutely nothing _to do with ethics," said Zelda, even as she tried to ignore Link's boisterous laughter approaching from a distance. "Which leads me to my next point. CAST has only been around for less than a decade. As far as we know, there's never been a full-scale rebellion. If we don't take a stand now, maybe no one ever will."

"It's really attractive when you get all serious," joked the Hero of Time between hiccups as he sauntered onto the scene. He had clearly had a bit to drink and had only just stumbled upon the end of the conversation.

"You have no frame of reference here, Link," Ganon sighed. "You're like a child who wanders into a movie and wants to know-"

Link just waved him away. "Spare me the 'Big Lebowski' quotes today." He involuntarily dropped his empty goblet on the floor when Malon wrapped herself around his arm. Ruto approached from the other side and leaned her head on Link's shoulder. Anju, the Cucco Lady, joined the trio and bowed to the Princess.

"Good morning, Princess," Anju said with a polite curtsy. "Good morning, Ganon."

"Mornin', ladies!" Ganon said with a friendly smile that came off as unfortunately terrifying.

Zelda nodded, a little flustered but otherwise unsurprised at Link's escalating bad behavior. He was worked the hardest of all of them, by far. It was only fair that he get to play hard as well. "Morning."

"Uh, yeah guys. Sorry, shoulda mentioned. Malon, Ruto, and, uh, Anju here… we were out all night. I was gonna take 'em on the full-on tour, if ya catch my meanin'."

"Wait. Before that, there's something you need to know," Ganon said.

"Oh?" queried Link. "What's that?"

"While you were out partying," said Zelda, "they silenced Epona. She's not quite _there_ anymore."

"Girl, you crazy!" Link laughed. "That ain't… how is that even possible?! They wouldn't treat us like that!"

"Oh, yeah? And just what would you do about it if it were true?" asked Ganon.

Link frowned. He slapped the behinds of all three ladies and sent them away.

"Go play with the King of Hyrule for now," he told them, gesturing the way to the courtyard where the aged monarch was just barely visible shaking his booty to some gangsta rap. "We'll join ya in a bit."

Though obviously a little disappointed, being in the VIP castle was still a huge privilege, akin to a regular Joe Schmoe being invited to a prestigious film set. They ran off without complaint.

Since Ganon couldn't step away from his campaign, Link and Zelda walked over to Epona's stable together.

"Those goddamned… rotten bastards. Whose idea was this, anyway?"

"Impa can't say. Non-disclosure. It's just not _fair_," Zelda said as she fed their now-mute friend a carrot. "I know, I know. Life isn't fair. The world isn't a fair place, yada yada. But we're supposed to be setting an example for the children of the world. How can we possibly be good role models if we allow atrocities like this to happen right under our noses?"

Link pondered this for a second. "Maybe it's not about setting an example with our actions as much as the appearance of an example. That's the social function of actors, isn't it? To serve as a distraction so that people have an escape from the harsh realities of the human world."

Zelda's stomach churned. This was a very unwelcome and even terrifying point of view to take on; it challenged everything she believed in.

"Princess? Are you OK?" Link finally asked.

She put on a stoic air. "Fine. Why do you ask?"

"You've been standing there, staring off into the distance for about ten minutes."

She threw him a smile, and took his offered hat and used it to wipe away her tears. Then she smiled again as she handed it back to him.

"Don't," he told her.

"Don't what?"

"Put on that fake smile and pretend to be brave when deep down you need to cry. You can't always keep your feelings to yourself."

The tension left Zelda's shoulders as she formed her own conclusions on the implications of her colleague's words. Though she reasoned that his words were said with only the kindest, most honest intent, she decided upon a somewhat distant response.

"You're smooth, Linkie. Way too smooth for your own good. But thank you."

She hugged him and the warm of his hard polygonal chest and the steady rhythm of his heart told her that despite her brushing them off, his caring feelings were genuine.

Yet after they broke their embrace, it appeared to Zelda that thanks to her fear of crossing her pre-existing boundaries, their relationship was going to remain the same as it always was: Link would stay his Joker-Playboy self, while she'd pretend she wasn't really interested, all the while wishing he would notice her put-on indifference and, at the very least, try to do something about it.

_I needed to be noticed as a woman, _Zelda reflected, _not as some unobtainable object on a pedestal._

"You're torturing yourself," Impa told her once while they were getting pedicures. "Sure, you may think you're giving him the right signs, but you can't exactly see into his head. For all you know, he's completely oblivious."

"He seems to solve those puzzles all right. How lunkheaded could that man possibly be?" groaned Zelda.

"Honey, you'll be surprised. Never underestimate the obliviousness of men. Heck, he probably thinks that you fancy yourself a league above him."

"I have been rather aloof, I suppose."

A subsequent chat with Saria all but confirmed her suspicions.

**1997**

The sagelike Sage was chilling by the pool reading Ursula K. Leguin's "Tales from Earthsea" when Zelda approached from the water, clad in her swimsuit. The Kokiri listened patiently to the princess, whom she had always held in high esteem, and thought carefully before answering as they both watched Ruto's elegant butterfly stroke.

"I always did get the sense that he had something for you."

"How so?"

"Well… with myself and the other girls… he always seemed more interested in the social aspects over sexual ones. Unfortunately, I never got an adult body like you guys did. So our relationship stayed platonic… but from what I hear, he's totally great in bed. That said, rumor has it he's never once really considered going steady with anyone."

"Not once?"

"No. Well, there was one time Malon asked him on 'Truth or Dare', and, well… he said he'd always wanted to get to know you better. But you intimidate him, somehow."

"Say what? That's ludicrous! How am I intimidating?"

Saria blinked and smiled sheepishly, hoping Zelda would take the hint, but she didn't.

"Um… see, that, what you did right there… was kinda scary."

"Oh, bollocks." Zelda said, and hung her head in her hands.

"Don't worry, Princess!"

"Call me Zelda."

"Ah… Zelda… I'm sure Link will warm up to you. All it'll take is a bit of effort to make him a little more comfortable around you, I suppose."

* * *

And so the Princess put a plan into action. Link was scheduled to take part in the first _Super Smash Bros. _tournament, which meant he would mostly be living and working abroad for a year. So in the months before the tourney, now that _Ocarina of Time _was nearing completion and his workload was lessening, she intentionally spent more time with him, engaged in practice battles as Sheik.

And when she grew to be freer and more open around him, Zelda came to realize that they had so much in common.

It was the last week before Link was set to move to the newly established Smashgrounds for a while. They had taken the tour together. As it was, the place was little more than a barracks, but it would have to do for the meantime.

"I don't want you to go," she whispered under her breath after another sip of the Cabernet Sauvignon they'd brought from the Castle.

The sun was setting over Lake Hylia and Link had just felled another one of those homicidal crows with a fire arrow.

"How many is that?" he asked, curious as to how close he was to beating his combo record.

Zelda checked the tally sheet at the back of her journal. Link had officially killed three dozen of the Avian assholes in a row. It was undoubtedly time to move on to bigger, better things.

"I can't see the results. Maybe you can help me figure it out," she said in a teasing voice.

The princess rubbed her mostly bare legs against one another as she adjusted her position on the poolside chaise lounge.

Her purple summer dress rode up almost far enough to show her lace undies. Link's heart skipped a beat, but he averted his eyes like a real gentleman and took a seat on the grass beside Zelda.

"So what are we lookin' at?" he asked, but Zelda hid her journal from him and smiled, her face no more than two feet away from his.

"You're looking at me. You know… you didn't… you didn't have to… ah, never mind."

_You didn't have to turn away, _she completed the thought. _I don't mind, not if it's you._

Link frowned. "Awww, you're always pulling that stuff. Pretending like you've got something to tell me… and then backing off at the last second."

"Every princess has a right to her secrets," Zelda laughed with a bonus wink.

"Maybe so, but aren't you the one always going on about fairness? How fair is it if you can keep secrets from me, but not the other way around?"

Zelda scrunched up her nose. "That's not a question of fairness, Hero. My personal thoughts are none of your business."

"Well, they kind of end up becoming my business when you're constantly on the verge of sharing them, wouldn't you agree? Oh, I notice things, Zelda. The way you were all touchy-feely when we rode Epona the other day. Then after I told ya how great you looked, you told me to stop so you could take a minute to compose yourself, and afterwards you kept your hands off me as if I were infected with the plague. That's totally normal behavior. Oh, and how about when you got, like, super butthurt when Ganon and I kicked your ass in _Quake_? You were just telling us how you wanted to be treated like one of the guys. And then you ran away last week when I tried to tickle you-"

"You didn't have to turn away!" Zelda yelled. "Here, have another look if you want!"

She then flashed her panties to Link quickly and turned a very striking shade of crimson.

Link, for his part, experienced an evolution in his expressions that told Zelda all she needed to know. He flushed, turned away, laughed, scratched the back of his head, and then gazed at the princess rather collectedly to keep her present.

She looked like she was ready to bolt. But he gently stroked the side of her hand with the edge of his knuckles. She ran her thumb over his knuckles to return the gesture, and they finally ended up wrapping their fingers around one another's in much the same awkward but adorable way that a four-year-old might try to dance the Macarena. The ensuing silence was both delightful and awkward. When the two returned to speaking, it was at the same time.

"I just wanted-" "Thought maybe we-"

They both laughed.

"No more running away," Link insisted. "No more pretending. What's the use of having these walls between us? We've known each other for what? Ten years?"

"Y-yeah."

"It's been too long to keep things like this, hasn't it?"

"Not sure what you mean."

Link tightened his grip. "I think you know exactly what I mean. I'm talking about _this_."

As he loosened his grip and took Zelda's other hand, the princess' pulse was only quickening. She made it a point to maintain eye contact, because otherwise she might have floated away.

It was the closest they had ever gotten to one another, and for the longest period of time. His eyes wandered to her lips, briefly, and she closed her eyes.

He then bridged this final distance between them. The kiss started out innocently, and then escalated in intensity until Zelda rolled off the pool chaise and landed atop Link. She caught herself with her thin arms, and Link took the initiative to plant little kisses all over her face and ears.

"Oh!" Zelda squirmed. "This feels so great!"

She held Link very close to her, to feel his warm, courageous heart up against her slightly arrhythmic one. The Hero was her rock – his presence would ever fill her with a comforting feeling. At the moment, there were two emotions tearing the princess' heart.

The first was manic regret. _I'm such a fool! We could have been doing this years ago!_

The second was somewhere between relief and bliss. _He loves me! He isn't grossed out or terrified!_

To convince herself that she wasn't dreaming, Zelda kissed him again and again, and again.

**Present Day**

"Duck!" Peach dove over Zelda and yanked her behind one of the Bill Blasters, shaking her from her vision.

"What the _hell_?" cried Zelda, who was beyond upset at her flashback having been rudely interrupted halfway through, but then she saw the severity of the situation.

Princess Toadstool had just saved her from an incoming volley from an approaching Space Pirate Frigate. Game and Watch retaliated against the vessel with his trio of death-dealing Pokemon. Several joined them; Skarmory, Aerodactyl, and even Zapdos joined the party; the Pirates were down in no time flat..

"There's nothing we can do out here right now," Peach insisted. "Please, come inside."

"No. I can't hear as well in there."

"Well, you won't be doing much of anything if you stand around out here for much longer! Please, Zelly!"

Zelda frowned. She couldn't very well say no to her good friend; it was true that they were in pretty serious danger just standing there, so they went back in to stock up on some items as they neared the front lines.

The entourage had arrived by the _OG Great Fox, _where Leon and Wolf were arguing over trivial matters rather than fighting, and Falco and Olimar were working on Master and Crazy Hand, respectively, to little success. Samus' gunship flew hither and thither eliminating various Space Pirates.

But these scenarios paled to the clusterfuck that awaited them just on the horizon. They were surrounded on all sides by swarms of mixed fleets that blocked even the light from the sun.

A prominent floating _Final Destination_ platform advanced forward of the other forces. It was red on one side and purple on the other, representing opposite sides of the color spectrum. Atop it, a rather disturbing tear in space-time cracked open. Out came none other than the terrifying dragon-like Ridley, carrying Snake in its arms.

He dropped the sneaky dude off behind a now rather large congregation of fighters.

"There's so many of them!" Peach noted worriedly.

_Impa, if you're still out there... if there's more... please show me._

_Of course_, replied Impa. _Now y__ou know where to find me. __But be careful. Wait until his speech is over._

"Attention all Smashers!"

The voice came from the body and facial features of Son Goku, but its vocal cords were most definitely those belonging to Masahiro Sakurai.

A round of cheering proceeded from the Moon-dwelling armies.

"Silence!" Sakurai called. "As you shall soon observe, we have killed Mega Man, Pit, Palutena, Captain Falcon, and Little Mac. They are no longer of this realm."

He now used Lucas to broadcast his message to everyone. The poor kid was forced in tortured _terror_ to relay these brief video recordings to every Smasher present within a certain radius.

"Forgive me!" screamed Lucas as he screamed aloud, delivering some rather shocking material, violent enough to drive the Japanese censorship board to bump the Smash Bros. game up to the next level.

Mega Man was blown to bits upon smashing into the moon's surface.

Palutena was unceremoniously blasted out of the sky.

Pit's wings disappeared and he plummeted in a blazing fireball.

Captain Falcon and Little Mac both appeared to catch fire as the _Blue Falcon _reached terminal velocity and carved through the Moon's thick layer of smog.

Once the crazy trip into the others' fates was over, Link sat down in the Captain's chair on the bridge.

_I'm out of ideas, _he thought. _But that doesn't mean I can accept defeat. I'll never accept it, not even when I've used up every Fairy and am on my dying breath._

And then Link took one closer look at the gang that had filled up that very official-looking platform.

Fightin' for the other guys, they were looking at: Ridley, King K. Rool, the Wii Fit Trainers, Dark Samus, Skull Kid, Tabuu, Mach Rider, the Duck Hunt Dog (Mr. Peppers), Prof. E. Gadd, Omega Pirate, Porky, the Masked Man, the entirety of the Pig Mask Army, Mew, Paper Mario, Custom Robo Ray Mk. II, Starfy, Lucas, Wario, the Chorus Kids, the Elite Beat Agents, Geno, Mallow, Spyro the Dragon, Sora from Kingdom Hearts, Chrono, Lucca, Frog, Marle, the Light Warriors from _Final Fantasy I _(Black Mage, Fighter, Thief, Red Mage), The Wonderful 101, Samurai Goroh, Dixie Kong, Takamaru, Bandanna Dee, a very unstable-looking Clefairy, the cast of _Splatoon_, and possibly countless others that even the Hero's best spyglass couldn't spot from the cannon deck.

"You've gotta be shittin' me," said Link. "Either they have some Hatsune Miku level technology going around and are projecting all these guys, or it's a whole other Smashgrounds up in there."

Ike put his hand on Link's shoulder. "Somehow I doubt they'd go through all this pomp and circumstance for an illusory performance. But I'm not one of those Ominous Ones, either. One way or another dude, we've got our work cut out for us."

"Tell me that was an intentional sword pun," grinned Link. "Please."

Ike laughed. "I, uh... think it was."

"You're a good man, Ike. It'll be an honor to die by your side."

* * *

**A/N:** THANK YOU FOR READING! Hope you enjoyed it! Quite an eventful chapter. Is there goin' to be a climactic showdown, or is everyone just there to make a statement? We'll see next time! Oh, and of course, Zelda's flashback is gonna be completed. ;) Reviews really keep me going and help me to improve my writing for the future, so please, please let me know what you think! Any comments are appreciated! Oh and please fave + follow if you haven't already. Thanks again and we'll see you next week! Can't promise the chapter will be as long as this one though! Haha.


	25. Kickstart My Heart

**A/N:** Thanks for your patience! Ahh! Sorry this one is so behind!

Lot of stuff going on in my life, and that incredible Smash 3DS Demo isn't helping! :O Especially since my primary main since Melee has been Link and he is SO FRACKING GOOD now! I can finally wreck shit with my longtime main… plus one of his customs is Meteor Smash Bombs (WHAT). I'm also super in love with Mega Man's playstyle, and have had a lot of success with him. Can't wait to play Kirby (N64 main), Peach (Melee second main), Dedede and Olimar (my other Brawl mains), and Palutena, what with her awesome Custom Moves. *drool* I want to see if I can main her, actually, for reasons not completely unrelated to my love of the character in general. So yeah. Due to my Smash obsession, when the 3DS version comes out in the USA, I may have to either release shorter chapters or update less often. Sorry about that.

_It's my goal though to resolve this first major saga very soon_, hopefully within the next week or two. I'm going to post my FC on my profile too.

Also, I reworked this chapter (twice) because I wasn't happy with it, so that added to the delay. It's also the longest one yet with a whopping **nine acts**, boasting a ton of Zelda in it and some serious-ish stuff as well, so prepare for a doozy.

**Shameless self-promotion:** Special sale! My science fiction ebook, "Raine VS The End of the World", is available to download for FREE on Amazon _until 9/24_ (if you miss this, send me a PM and I'll let you know when I have another giveaway). You don't need a Kindle or smartphone to read it - you can download and read it on your computer anytime. If you like the ebook, it's also recently become available in paperback format as well. Since the site doesn't allow links in actual chapters, you can find a link to the e-book on my author profile. Enjoy!

**Meowkerz:** Thanks for the review! Very happy you're still reading! Awww, it's cool. I'm not exactly sure why I lack reviews either, since there's definitely a lotta traffic coming to the fic. But worry not! The Female Villager, Nana, and ROB are still alive and well. They're just at the Smashgrounds still, and didn't exactly join in on the adventure. We'll see what they're up to pretty soon (may be two updates from this one).

**sippurp123:** Thanks as always for your review! Glad you liked Zelda's memory! There's plenty more where that came from (maybe too much, haha!). Snake and Samus aren't in this one as much but I haven't forgotten about them. :) Sorry again about the delay, but I really hope you like this chapter. :O

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

**Kickstart My Heart**

**I. Looks That Kill**

Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice" blasted from the cell phone for a good few seconds before it was answered.

The groan that greeted the caller came from none other than Shigeru Miyamoto.

"These all-nighters are taking their toll, puppet master. Or were you aware that it's literally six in the morning?" asked the Nintendo Legend as he proceeded to water the tomatoes growing in his backyard.

"If you don't mind my saying so, you picked up on the third ring, sir," Masahiro Sakurai observed from the other end. "Somehow I sense that you were already awake."

"Well, of course I was awake, but that's beside the point," Miyamoto laughed. "God Himself would be up all night, knowing what's at stake. Is it time?"

"Yes, sir."

"Very well. I've ingested some mushrooms and my home set-up is already calibrated. I just need to finish this patch of the garden."

"Good luck, sir."

"Let's hope we don't need it as much as I fear we do."

After ending the call, Miyamoto took another look around as the sun began to creep out just above the horizon. There was nothing better than watching the sunrise while under the influence of shrooms, but there was work to be done, and lots of it. He took off his gardening gloves, rain boots, and overalls, stepped into his office, lay down in his recliner, put on the movement-reading Haptic gloves and Virtual Reality helmet, and plugged himself into the Smash Bros. Sub-Universe, an extension of Nintendo's Primary CAST Server, only patched through Namco-Bandai's Network.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Nintendo's HQ in Kyoto…

Satoru Iwata painstakingly inspected the source codes of _Omega Ruby and Sapphire_ for any unnecessary strings. (Fun fact: according to "Iwata Asks", it was only through a days-long marathon session by Mr. Iwata, a legendary coder who could compile and compress like a champ, that the original Pokemon Silver could include both Kanto and Johto.) Though Nintendo's CEO had a plethora of other issues to worry about, Mr. Iwata found that nothing calmed his restless mind more than streamlining code, and he was willing to do anything to keep his mind off of the drama currently tearing apart the Smash Bros. Sub-Universe and its overflow of CAST representatives.

At last, the ring came on his telephone. The weary voice of Satoru's overworked secretary sounded out. "Sir, we've just received the data from the servers. Mr. Miyamoto has plugged in."

"Thank you," said Iwata. He closed his Pokemon file and cracked his fingers, before equipping Haptic gloves of his own and putting the Virtual Reality helmet on his head.

_I see what the two of you are trying to do_, he thought. _Your soft spot is showing, Shiggy. But the company's bottom line comes first. I will not bend to your ideals, nor risk another game delay._

_This will not be tolerated._

* * *

Mega Man and Son Goku (whose consciousness was inhabiting Sakurai's Mii Fighter) snuck past several hordes of guards in the shady castle, only to arrive at the kitchen pantry.

"Wait…" Mega Man said, noticing all the human food suddenly piled wall-to-wall, and the speed with which his companion was devouring everything in sight. "Weren't we supposed to be out helpin' the Pokemon?"

"Thish ish mmf moment, Mmmga Mmnn," Masahiro Sakurai's Mii Fighter mumbled. "Take ffffve."

"All right," the android said with a sigh. He soon stumbled upon a rather interesting map set on the wall, presumably to help lost tourists to find their way back to their tour groups.

The android was quite shocked upon seeing that the castle had such a labyrinthine structure.

"What the eff is this shit?" he complained. "Okay, first of all, there's no bathrooms. But then, I guess vampires don't need to poop. But ugh, what horrid interior decorating. Talk about gaudy. There's so many halls that just lead to absolutely nowhere. Where I come from, evil castles are designed with purpose, dammit."

"Cmmn yrr fnnnd thh Commnnd Rhmm?" Goku asked while stuffing his face.

"The Command Room?" Mega Man replied, and then spotted it almost immediately. "Hold up. It's… it's… wow. They retrofitted a little chapel in back o' the Cathedral. It's literally two stories up, from a spiral staircase past the next hallway. We'll be there in no time."

The Blue Bomber began to pace the room; he accidentally hit a wall with his gun-arm, which prompted the bricks to reveal themselves as illusory and leave behind a giant turkey leg.

Goku was gleeful. "Ah'll take that!"

At long last, Mega Man was able to drag Goku into the next room, which led to the elevator. It turned out to be a hallway filled with partying Cuccos.

It was an unbelievable sight. Cuccos were clubbing it out on the dance floor, pecking at drinks at the bar, or passed out in nesting boxes or futons after having smoked some opium, while others were doing the Limbo or each other in rather short-lived and disturbing displays of Cucco debauchery. A Flying Man from Earthbound took the stage as a DJ, playing the 'Chicken Dance'.

Sure, the duo got some weird looks, but the birds appeared content to let them walk through their pleasure room, the floor of which was covered in caked-on layers of Cucco crap. After all, it surely wasn't every day these schmucks had visitors.

They were almost completely through to the other side when Mega Man noticed Son Goku's mouth watering as he gazed upon several Cuccos emerging from a steam sauna.

"Look away, Son Goku. If you value your life, _look the fuck away._"

"You don't know the kind of hunger I'm feelin' right now, man."

"Nah, but I _do_ know somethin' about pain, and these guys are more than capable of bringin' it."

"They won't notice just one."

"YES THEY WILL!"

_C'mon, man, you're one of my idols. Don't do it. Please. Have just a teensy bit of self-restraint._

But the Super Saiyan's appetite could not be satisfied. He grabbed the next Cucco that exited the steam sauna and shoved the entire living bird in his mouth.

The feathered fowl flapped and flailed about, but the Mii Fighter punched his own cheeks until the bird went silent and blood spurted from his lips.

When the first of the red droplets hit the floor, every being in the room heard it.

Menacing eyes stared down Goku as tens of thousands of Cuccos all turned towards him, yet he remained oblivious.

"Mmmmm, tastes just like chicken!"

Mega Man scrunched up his face and took a deep breath, though it was just a symbolic gesture as breathing was not on the list of things he needed to do to survive. He then grabbed his companion and dashed forward as a sea of furious birds chased them down.

"What's the deal—OH."

"RUN!" Mega Man yelled. He dragged Goku through the next room as the swarm rapidly caught up with them.

* * *

The screams and moans of Palutena's latest orgasm rudely woke the rather attractive blue-haired woman she was ogling from her slumber.

With no further ado, a Parallel Falchion slashed through the membrane of the amniotic sac, prompting another symphony of blaring alarms.

Lady Fi whistled a short tune to stop the alarms, which only drew more attention to the mystery woman's fit of rage as she sliced open the tubes connecting her to the Source.

"What the hell? Is this someone's idea of a joke?"

Now spent, Lady Fi stood to address the Newcomer.

The words that attempted to leave Mother CAST's lips were "Welcome to the Smash Universe, Lucina."

Only, they didn't come out that way.

"PRAISE THE HELIX! You're the man now, dog. You and your first world problems, you fatherless harlot. Tits or GTFO, there's no girls on teh Intarwebs."

_Oh snap_, thought Pit.

Lucina raged at the silver maiden. "What's the meaning of this? Just who the hell do you think I am?"

But Lady Fi simply twitched as if she were having a complete breakdown. "Your tears, let me drink them. Within my bronzed bowels, they shall age like fine wine. Honey badger don't give a shit."

At this, the swordswoman was about ready to raise her blade, but Lady Fi's legs' energy having been spent, she kind of wobbled in place before collapsing on her knees.

"One-zero-zero, one-zero-zero, one," said poor Mother CAST before she randomly shat out an entire Commodore 64.

"I… do believe I may have fucked her senseless," Palutena observed with some worry.

"Er, sorry about Lady Fi," Pit replied, checking the skies again. "But we've got a nuclear missile to catch up to. I'm Pit. This here's Dark Pit, and Lady Stardust-"

"Wait! I've changed my mind. I am now 'The Goddess Formerly Known as Palutena'."

"Uh, WHATEVER. Come join us, miss-?"

"Lucina." Her eyes darted around the freaky crew. "I'm not going anywhere without my father. Where is he?"

"Er… if he's anywhere around here, he won't be much longer… at least, not unless we do something about _that_," Dark Pit insisted, pointing at the approaching missile.

"So I've no choice. Let us not tarry," uttered Lucina with a grimace at her new companions.

After stealing a cigarette from Dark Pit, Palutena hobbled on over and held Lucina up by the chin. She got a good look into the girl's eyes.

"My gosh, you're even more adorable up-close! Let me guess, you're a _tsundere _type, yes?"

"If you'd like to keep that hand, I'd suggest withdrawing it," growled Lucina.

"_Kuudere_, then," Palutena said with an even bigger grin. Her eyes grew to the size of large tea saucers. "I can't wait to break down the walls around your heart and draw the loving side out of you~"

"LADIES!" Dark Pit yelled, veins popping from his forehead. "LET'S MOVE!"

With a convulsing Lady Fi draped over his shoulders, Pit, Dark Pit, Lucina, and Palutena all glided through the Birthing Chamber, passing many recently-burst Amniotic Sacs as they raced the descending missile to the Shield Silo.

_It's a good thing we released all the other Pokemon on our way down here_, thought Dark Pit. _These three crazy bitches are seriously slowing us down._

The eyeless Mother CAST was telepathically spouting a spastic mess of random dialogue strings. "Nicolas Cage is my husbando. There is a 0.000142 percent chance that we are all just cosmic fragments on a microscopic level in a game of marbles being played in a Divine Being's dream. Coincidentally, Rosebud is the sled. If Discworld is real, then what happens when the giant elephants poop?"

"Ahhh, that platinum pussy felt fucking amazing," Palutena said. She was still riding the afterglow of her incredible orgasms as she puffed on her American Spirit cigarette.

"Everything's gotta be a disaster with you," grumbled Dark Pit, who checked the number of sticks left in his pack. "It's one thing to be a total nympho slutbag, and quite another to fuck us all over by short-circuiting Mother… but STEALING MY FUCKING CIGS? That takes the cake!"

"Tut-tut," the Goddess Formerly Known As Palutena replied. "Just think of it as me giving your lungs a break."

Pit nearly slipped on the fluids oozing out from the recently vacated sacs. He caught a glimpse of an anime-styled swordsman standing in something that looked like a teleporter. The man, clad in red, gazed upon them and gasped.

"Just a cotton-pickin' minute! You guys aren't supposed to be here! I'ma tell the boss!"

But Dark Pit's arrow shot in his direction. The guy swatted it away with one of his two swords and nimbly pulled a toggle. He vanished from the tube in a flash of light.

"Who was that?" Pit asked.

"Lloyd from _Tales of Symphonia_. He's a total Developers' pet," replied Dark Pit. He gazed back up at the missile, which was now about a thousand feet away. "All right, here's the plan. Palutena, you and I are gonna fly up there. Using your magic and my biceps, we'll hold the missile back. Pit, you've got the single most important job here. You two will take Lady Fi to a little hut outside the Silo. You'll know it by the neon sign that says '_BWB_'. You've gotta convince the people there to fix her up – our lives depend on it. Oh, and wear this."

He handed Pit a fedora, which the angel squinted at.

"Uh, not a particular fan of fedoras."

"No time for questions, fruitcake. It's a signal to the others in my Order. Put it on."

Palutena unceremoniously shoved the hat onto Pit's head, and then kissed him deeply with tongue. Now her saliva tasted of the trace metals from Fi's privates.

"Take care of yourself, _babushka_," she said with a wink.

With that, Dark Pit and Palutena launched into the air and flew towards the missile.

Pit wished he could fly unaided, too. _Take care of yourself, milady._

"All right, Mother CAST," he said, letting Lady Fi down on the ground. "Think you can walk?"

But the shining being only sank down and sat on her lovely ballerina legs.

"Walk without rhythm, and you won't attract the worm. The opposite of Christopher Reeve is Christopher Walken. Let's Ask Jeeves: were the Titans genetically engineered? Maybe _VG Cats_ has it right and Eren's basement is just filled with daddy's old porno mags. Ridley is clearly a playable boss, a stage hazard, and a DLC character. Inb4 lurkmoar."

"What is this iron beast? I have never seen its make," said Lucina. "Perhaps she needs a healer."

"Apparently, she's our Mother."

"Nonsense!" Lucina exclaimed.

"Think you can help me out?" asked Pit, who was trying to pull Lady Fi forward.

Try as they might, the angel and the swordswoman could not get her to budge. After shaking his head again, Pit once again hoisted the heavy metal lady up on his shoulders and carried her out of the front doors of the humongous glass structure hosting the countless pods.

The Silo loomed less than five hundred meters ahead. He struggled with each step, while Lucina strode calmly and purposefully beside him.

"Where are we going, exactly?"

"Thataway, I think."

"How reassuring."

* * *

**II. She Goes Down**

"Andy! Come in, Andy!" Commander Nell called into the comm. channel.

But the Orange Star Commanding Officer failed to respond. The _Wars _forces at Silo Gamma had been crushed by a sudden influx of Pit's remaining Pokemon.

Robin rapped his fingers against the control panel at the Battle station. Being the Tactical Commander in charge of the entire Moon Ground Forces was a crucial position for sure, one that demanded his utmost concentration. As such, he needed to be kept fellated at all times.

Ignoring the slurping sounds, the other Commanding Officers were in a panic commanding their combined forces. It really didn't help that the _Wars _Units were tiny compared to the invading Pokemon.

The samurai-like Kanbei exclaimed at the real-time holographic map of the Moon. "Sir, that new wave of Pokemon has almost taken the Second Silo!"

"My bombers are refueling," said Eagle, the aerial ace. "Just give the order, sir. We can carpet bomb those fools!"

"It's not worth losing the facilities. Send in the Weezings and Muks, let's fight them with biological warfare. Kanbei, shift those Medusa Heads to the back lines and push forward with the Megatanks. Grit, you'll follow with your Artillery," he said, rather bored, before looking under his desk.

"A little more tongue and suction, baby," he said to the woman currently bobbing up and down on his member. At this, she withdrew her mouth and drank a little more warm tea.

Robin gazed lovingly upon his fraternal twin, his female counterpart and lover, the long-haired Robyn, though the fellow tactician preferred that her friends address her by 'Yoko', as it emphasized the 'Y' that made the doppelgangers distinct.

"Megatanks may not be the best course of action," Yoko told him. "Once they get through that narrow gate, movement and restocking will be tough."

"Relax," he replied, guiding her head back to where he wanted it most. "You can give the orders next turn."

"Fiiiiiiiiiine," she said, and returned to sucking him off while the other COs in the room kind of stood around awkwardly.

"SIR! A portal has opened! One of our mega-nukes is incoming!" exclaimed Sonja over the radio.

Robin reclined. "We just can't catch a break, eh? Can we get Ridley to pick it up?"

"Negative, sir!" replied Commander Nell, who was remotely taking charge of the space battle. "Director Sakurai's orders: Ridley's to stay by the front lines."

"Right. Eagle, send out your fighters to intercept the missile."

"Yes, sir!"

"Hold yer Ponytas, does anybody else hear that infernal clucking?" asked Grit, who was chewing some tobacco.

He creaked open one of the double doors leading to the hallway, but just then they swatted open with the force of a thousand Cuccos, slamming him against the wall.

"GET OUTTA THE WAY!" Mega Man screamed. With Goku by his side, he power-slid across the floor, upturned a desk, and used it as cover.

Bird crap and razor-sharp talons plastered the COs, many of which died on the spot.

"What's going on?!" Sonja called over the radio.

"I'm one of you! Don't kill me!" yelled Eagle. Four dozen Cuccos violently picked him up, flew him up to the top of the room, and dropped him. He fell fifty feet and impaled his heart on an underused letter spike.

"NOT TODAY!" Sami yelled. The troop specialist took out about twenty birds with her machine gun before they were able to flood her face and rip her brain matter out of her nostrils.

Commander Nell sprayed as many Cuccos as she could with her fire extinguisher before the deadly birds knocked her into the stained-glass windows, where she fell to her doom.

Somehow, both Robin and Robyn, covering one another back-to-back, were able to use their myriad charged and uncharged Thunder, Arcfire, and Elwind spells to toast, incinerate, electrocute, or otherwise kill the attacking Cuccos.

_We need an exit strategy, _Mega Man thought. In between all the chaos, he noted from the hole in the castle that they were overlooking the Silos.

"We gotta make a run for it," he told Son Goku. "You'll just grab onto me like a little baby in your arms, fly outta that window, and we're home free-"

"Dude, I can't fly, remember? Mashpotato Samurai's got my body."

"Well, there's that. Okay. Plan B. Have ya got any LSD?"

"FREEZE!" commanded a rather beleaguered-looking Robin, who tossed away his empty spellbook. He held his Levin Sword up against the Blue Bomber. All the attacking Cuccos had either retreated, leapt out the window, or been fried beyond recognition.

"Ya know, it is kinda chilly in here," said Mega Man, who held his arms in the air and tried to ignore the woman sucking on his opponent's penis.

Son Goku stood up from behind the table as well, and raised his fists. "If it's a fight you want, man, we're both fresh and ready to go. But see, we don't wanna fight. All we want is… what do we want again?"

"Goku here wants his body back," said Mega Man. "And I was gonna ask for y'all to answer for my buddies Shrek and Rayman, but seeing as, like, a dozen of ya died just now… well, I'd be cool just gettin' back to my friends."

"Oh, what's the use?" said Robin, and lowered his sword. "The Silos are lost, and in a few minutes, that nuke is gonna wipe out the whole facility. Just let us finish up here and – OH! Yeah, baby! Use the back of your throat, precisely like that! Yeah… jus' let me finish and… AH! AH! I'll take you to the—COME ON BABY DON'T STOP! DON'T STOP!"

Mega Man looked on, rather disturbed at the sight of two gender-swapped avatars doin' the nasty. "Are you guys, like, related, or something? You look pretty similar."

"Related? No," said Son Goku. "They are literally male and female versions of the same character. It's basically selfcest."

"Selfcest? The _fuck_?" Mega Man exclaimed.

"_It's a thing_! Look it up on – OHHH! – Urban Dictionary or tumblr!" Robin yelled.

Mega Man did so using his retinal browser. "Wow, that's some twisted shit!"

Robin grabbed Robyn's head and pumped against her tongue. "Judgmental robot! We love each other! That's all that counts! AHHH!"

He splooged into her mouth most satisfyingly.

* * *

Meanwhile, atop _OG Great Fox_, Wolf and Zombified Leon were having a domestic argument.

"What is this _really _about?" asked Wolf, who'd unclenched his fists and took to pacing around the small, thin space atop the mothership.

"You promised you'd be more present," the chameleon said. "But I never see you! Despite not being on the roster, you're at the Smashgrounds, like, every other day! Meanwhile, I'm sittin' there in my condo in the city, gazing out the glass window, sobbing, eating Greek yogurt all day-"

"I'm working, Leon! Don't you understand? I'm _scheduled _there! I work the green screens and manage the item inventory!"

"Well, you could at least call me once in a while! I am the Great Leon!"

"I know you are, baby. I know," Wolf replied, and took his lover's hands in his own.

In the middle of the chaos erupting all around them, they kissed, and Wolf savored Leon's probing tongue tickling all over his mouth.

* * *

On the bridge of Bowser's Airship, Link was frantically trying to pull everyone together to prepare for combat.

"Bowser Junior really was killed that day," Ike told Link. "He remembers the whole scene, and respawning in some strange place filled with big red egg-shaped sacs, but other than that we've only got little glimpses, selective fragments. His memories were wiped, just like ours."

"Thanks, Ike," said Link, still using his spyglass. "I suspected something like that. Wait. What's… is it just me, or is Wolf making out with that chameleon fella?"

He handed the spyglass to Ike.

"Definitely. Damn. I guess I owe Olimar fifty coins."

Peach ran out onto the deck with Franklin Badges for both Link and Ike.

"Save them for when we really need 'em," she said with a wink, and ogled Ike's manly chest.

Link pocketed his Badge. "Thanks, Peach. Have you seen Zelda?"

The princess twiddled her thumbs. "Er, that's the other thing. She's in the middle of some kind of mind-meld thingy with someone named 'Impa'. She asked to be left alone."

_Impa! _Link thought in shock. _That name's familiar. But if she isn't with us, then that must mean she's on the other side._

"All right, Ike. Take over the deck for me."

"Link, wait-" she called, and went after him.

Princess Toadstool followed the Hylian into the bridge and down the hallway to Bowser's Captain's Quarters. Link put his hand on the door and creaked it open.

The room was covered in posters of '70s and '80s guitar icons. Zelda was sitting on the Koopa King's meditation pillows, which were set up on the Abomasnow carpet amidst his hookah and bean bags.

Link felt a tug on the back of his tunic.

"She'll be okay," Peach said. "Trust her."

_I hope you know what you're doing. I don't know if you can hear me_, Link thought, unsure if Zelda would pick up on it. _You have the right to the truth. Just be careful._

In truth, Zelda could hear Link's thoughts, but she had to file them away into a "process later" folder in order to focus on the sensations currently at hand.

_Thank you for this opportunity,_ she told Impa.

_Don't think of me. Just listen. I've led you to your wellspring, but now I have to leave. There's a battle to organize. I don't suggest you go in so deep that you lose yourself._

Zelda breathed deeply. _Duly noted. If I start to lose my grip, I'll just remember that Link's waiting for me._

* * *

**III. Home Sweet Home**

**1997**

"How long have you had these feelings for me?" asked Link.

Zelda kissed him again, and gently twirled the ends of Link's hair between her fingers. "Since, like, always."

"How come you never told me?"

"I dunno. I was scared. I was proud. How come _you _never asked?"

"I was scared too! I didn't want to lose you as a friend."

"Was I not worth the risk?"

"Clearly not," he teased, and kissed her again. "Which is why I'm totes not making out with you right now."

After their epic make-out session, Link and Zelda held hands as they rode Epona back to Hyrule Castle. As they got close, they spotted Ruto angrily driving away in a wireframe kart racer she got from the _Mario Kart_ realm. Link waved, but she must not have seen him.

"I wonder what that was about?" asked Zelda, who was no longer shy about leaning on Link as she rode side-saddle.

Upon entering the main hall, the duo heard a bit of a ruckus as Malon appeared to be ranting at Ganondorf.

"It's gotta be a monster down there! C'mon, all I want is just a _glimpse! _Just whip it out for me!"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Whazza matter, you queer or something?"

"No, no, no. I _like _you a lot, Malon. Maybe if we got to know each other a little better-"

"That's what you said to Ruto and Anju! You've known us for over a year now; that excuse won't fly anymore! If you're not interested, just say so!"

Ganon raised his voice to scary levels. "But I am, dammit! Stop putting words in my mouth!"

"How stupid are you? Don't you _get _how this works? I would have taken your cock up my ass if you wanted, you fucking nerd!"

"GET OUT!" he screamed. His yell was followed by a loud sound, as if he'd split a boulder.

Malon was only so happy to oblige. "Gladly! I was just on my way out, you _prude_!"

The orange-haired woman marched past Link and Zelda, blushing as she ran past them on the way to the front door.

Zelda squeezed Link's arm, somewhat afraid, but the Hero of Time walked forward to see their friend.

Ganon sat back down at his computer station, guzzled a can of Mountain Dew, and returned to his game of_ Command and Conquer_. When Link entered the large chamber and saw the huge crack splitting one of the main pillars holding up the castle's massive roof, the Gerudo didn't even turn from his screen.

"Heya, Ganon."

"Sup."

"Not too much. Zelda and I just got back from the lake."

Ganon turned to his friends, and his brow appeared to furrow. Zelda sensed that he'd seen right through their ruse, that from the remnants of lipstick marks on Link's face, the princess' distinct purple dress, and her carefully layered makeup (usually she'd go with a mostly natural look), he'd become aware of the change in their relationship, but it was just a feeling.

"So, uh, how much of that did you guys hear?"

Zelda averted her eyes. "I do believe we arrived at 'I bet you have a monster down there'."

"Fuck."

"Hey, she was being a total bitch," said Link. "I feel responsible, having introduced you guys."

But Ganon waved him away. "It's cool, man. Just like Nabooru and Aveil, she's got a problem respecting other people's personal space."

"We saw Ruto leaving on the way in," the curious Zelda pressed, but Link discreetly squeezed her hand to tell her to lay off.

_I was so naïve back then, _Zelda realized. _I didn't much realize the effect my careless words had on others._

Ganon sighed. "She couldn't handle the truth – that she smelled like a fish."

Link bit his tongue to keep from laughing, but ended up laughing anyway.

"Ganon!" cried Zelda. "That's like the most offensive thing you could say to a Zora!"

"Just be glad you never Frenched one," Ganon replied. "Anyway, I've gotta get back to my game. Thanks for checkin' up on me, though."

Link and Zelda exchanged hesitant glances.

At last, Link cleared his throat. "What do you say to a round of mini-golf? We could hit up Mario-"

"Ah. Maybe later. I… would rather be alone right now."

Still a bit concerned, the duo bid their buddy goodbye and headed upstairs, where they had a pillow fight, shared some raspberry tea, cuddled on Zelda's sofa, and took turns reading poetry to one another.

The next few days were utter bliss for the princess. She and Link spent every possible moment together, and as their love grew, so too did the princess' sex drive.

Once, as Link was giving Zelda a back massage, he brought up a point to Zelda that had her back tense up.

"It's a delicate situation. You, Ganon, and I… I'd always thought of us three as childhood friends. Isn't it kinda dangerous to mess with that status quo?"

"He'll understand," said Zelda. "At least, I hope he will. Pretty sure he knows I think of him as an older brother."

"That's how I feel, too. He's always been a great friend. Let's tell him tomorrow."

And so they did, though it took them all day to do it.

The trio sat awkwardly at the dinner table. The King was out on the town as usual and rarely joined them for meals, so they dined at an unusually long table, with their food produced by the castle servants.

"Hey, Ganon, there's something we'd like to tell you," Link said.

"Go ahead, man," said Ganon in between bites of his fried octorok tentacles.

"Ah, well, it's like this. Zelda and I… we're dating now."

Ganon put on a too-wide smile. "I had a feeling. You two have been awfully close lately."

Zelda piped in. "We were both a little worried-"

"About what? Ha! I'm _very_ happy for you guys. Really, I am. Damn straight. This has been years in the making."

The Gerudo King stood and gave both of his friends light hugs, before returning to his meal.

_WAIT! I remember what comes next! Oh, Zelda, why did you have to be so stupid…_

As Zelda tried telling him how cool he was for understanding and how she hoped nothing would change between the trio, however, Ganon became visibly uneasy. Perhaps it was the sound of her voice, something that would only affect him if it had some sort of special meaning to him.

It was clear that just staying there was difficult for him. Ganon ended up prematurely excusing himself from the table and leaving the room.

Despite Ganon's best efforts to conceal his emotions, Zelda couldn't help but notice that this final revelation, the nail in the coffin of his chances with her, hit their friend like a ten-ton bag of bricks.

_Have you had feelings for me, too, Ganon? If so… I'm a fool to never have noticed them._

Link took Zelda's hand to calm her.

"He'll be all right. It might take some time."

She nodded. "It's better that we told him, rather than having him find out on his own."

* * *

**IV. You're All I Need**

On the second to last day before Link was scheduled to leave, the duo were in bed together, wearing their pajamas after having watched "Before Sunrise" with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. As they cuddled in each other's arms and looked one another in the eye intensely, the princess popped the inevitable question.

"Link?"

"Yeah?"

"I… I want to go all the way with you."

"Princess? Are you sure? Isn't this your first-"

"Shh," she replied with a finger on his lips. "I just can't resist you anymore."

"I'm not sure if you understand what-"

"Oh, trust me, I understand. And if you don't want to… well, that's fine with me, too. I did kind of throw this on you out of left field, after all."

"No, no… it's not weird or anything. If you want to… I definitely do, too," replied Link. "I just… the last few days have been so wonderful. I guess I'm still sort of in disbelief. You always felt so unattainable. Looking back on it now, I'm pretty sure Ganon felt the same way too."

Zelda's lips went from a smile to a neutral position. She ran a hand along the inside of his thigh.

"There might be other women in this 'Smash Bros.' universe. I don't want to lose you to them."

"Pretty sure it's gonna be a small, exclusive club. I don't think Samus is interested."

"Quite the contrary. You amuse her. And she asked if we were together."

"If you're asking me to be exclusive, you've got my promise that I will be," Link said, offering his pinky.

She stared at the little finger. "You… you don't have to rush into anything you're not ready for just to prove yourself. Right now-"

"Hey. If it's an obligation, it's not a commitment from the heart. This is something I want to do now, for myself as much as you, princess. Which is why I _want_ to make such a big deal out of it."

They crossed pinkies to seal the deal, and Link swallowed the lump in his throat, a telltale sign to Zelda that he probably was not ready to be hers for life.

"Make your princess one more promise."

"Uh, kay."

"No matter what happens between us," said Zelda, "We'll be friends forever."

"Of course," he said, and it appeared to Zelda that he felt relieved. "I guess in the worst-case, we could always be childhood friends with benefits."

Zelda kissed him again. "Thank you. And yeah, regarding what you said earlier… it might be difficult for Ganon. But ultimately, I think he'll be happy for us."

"Or he'll hate us forever, erase his memory, and become an uber-nerd."

Zelda kissed Link deeper than ever before. This time, he got the message.

She unbuttoned his pajama top and trembled as she felt his bare chest against her palms. Link did the same, unbuttoning her top and gazing upon her luscious 34 DDs (she wasn't wearing a bra).

"I am _so_ not worthy," he said, but she gently pushed the back of his head down onto her flesh, and he began licking around her nipples. His other hand gently groped her other breast, and the princess squirmed in position.

"Ah, s-s-sorry, it's a bit too much!" she said, her cheeks as pink as he'd ever seen them.

The princess pointed to her neck, and Link moved in and gave her a serious hickey.

"Oh!" she cried as he kissed all over her neck and shoulders. "You're soaking my panties…"

Link mischievously moved down her body to her pajama bottoms and worked on carefully removing them.

He ran his bare hands over her luscious thighs; they were silky and perfectly shaped.

"AHH! It tickles!" she exclaimed as Link began kissing the insides of her thighs.

Link's hands expertly explored her legs and hips as he tickled her entire body, tantalizingly, with his lips and tongue. She shuddered and shivered a bit, to which he slowed down.

"Do you like this combo?" he asked as he returned to kissing and touching her nipples while he ran his free hand teasingly near her love mound.

Zelda nodded.

"Tell me what it is you like."

"I… I really like it when you're touching me like that."

"Touching you where?"

"My… breasts."

"And where else?"

"M-m-mmmmy pu-ssssy."

"Good," he said, and moved his fingers over her lower lips. He pushed the heel of his palm up against the space just above the top of her clitoral hood and rubbed ever so gently, all the while stroking her outer labia.

"You weren't kidding: you're soaked through!"

"Oh, baby! Stop teasing me so!"

But Link just shook his head. "How can I stop? The teasing has only just begun."

After pulling down her panties and freeing her clitoris with his thumb, Link licked his fingers and advanced to using his index and middle digits on Zelda's upper quadrant, seeking out the area with the most nerve endings by studying his partner's reactions, all the while applying pressure to her pelvic bone with the heel of his palm.

In just a few minutes, Zelda was on the verge of coming. "Oh, Goddess! How is this possible? AHHH!"

Just when she was on the edge, Link stopped and winked.

"You… no… don't stop…" she whined.

"There's no coming until I take you to the edge," he told her, brandishing a Rok's feather from his pocket.

With his right hand, Link rubbed along Zelda's outer lips by making soft circles just above the surface. He then used the Rok's Feather in his left to trace lines all over her body. As she began squirming uncontrollably, his right hand held her down. Even though his muscles were chiseled, the princess was amazed at how gentle Link could be, how patient and thorough his technique was.

He'd taken her to the edge of orgasming for a good ten minutes before even attempting penetration. When Zelda could take no more, Link licked his lips and went down under with them. His tongue worked effortlessly against Zelda's clit, and his index finger alone penetrated as deeply as it could, tapping the edge of the princess' hymen. She didn't last long before she convulsed in a wave of spasms and came furiously against her lover.

After this, Zelda rode the wave of ecstasy for quite some time. Link plopped down next to her, smiling.

"That was… the best orgasm… I ever had…" she told him, and meant it a hundred percent.

"I'm glad," he said. "Do you want to keep going?"

She nodded sheepishly, and then pushed down Link's pajama bottoms, freeing his fully-erect dick.

Upon seeing its seven-inch length and sizable girth, she became more than slightly terrified.

"I don't think that's going to fit."

"It'll fit. It might just be a bit painful at first. The trick is to try not to tense up your muscles. Tell me when I need to go slow," he informed her.

The princess nodded. "Kay."

"We can wait a while if you're tired," he said, but she shook her head.

"Fuck me, baby. I want it in me, now."

"You want… what in you?" asked the Hylian.

"You know! Your cock!"

"Say it."

"I want your cock inside me, Linkie. I want you to fuck me hard."

"As you wish."

To which Link assumed the position between Zelda's legs. He pushed her legs back towards her shoulders and rubbed up against her opening. Her clit was still immensely sensitive, so just the feeling of his cock against it had her shuddering.

"Ah…"

"I'm going in now, slowly. Tell me if it's too much."

"I can take it. Just… put it in!" she huffed.

Zelda wrapped her legs around Link's back as he angled himself against her. He eased his manhood into the princess, and just the head alone was enough to send her into somersaults of ecstasy.

"OHMYGODDESS," exclaimed Zelda, her eyes widening.

"Wow, you're tight. And that's just the head," he said. He eventually reached her hymen.

"Are you ready for this?" he asked, and she became aware that he was trying very hard to keep from humming 'Pump Up the Jam' too loudly.

She bit her lip and nodded. Link pushed his length halfway in.

"HyyyeeeeaaaaAAHHH!" she cried.

"Hey, that's my line!" quipped Link, who then began moving back and forth rather slowly. If Zelda's insides hadn't been wetter than Niagara Falls, it would have been near-impossible for him to squeeze in there, as that hole was tighter than a constipated Goron's sphincter.

"BABY! I've never felt this before! I… I think you're hitting my g-spot, over and over," said Zelda, who had done a bit of research into this 'sex' thing on the Internet. Sure enough, he was tapping the sensitive spot located just a few inches into her vagina.

"What's a g-spot? Is that, like, your weak point?"

Zelda was not amused. "Maybe you should keep that mouth of yours shut, honey. Just say what you say when you're waving your sword around."

"Oh, cool. SHYEAAAHHH! HYEEEAAAHHH!" he cried, and spurred on by his own shouts, he began pushing slightly more and more of his penis into Zelda's hitherto unexplored regions.

"OH! OH, BABY!" she cried when his full length bottomed out at her cervix. "Not too fast!"

Link slowed his thrusting, and grabbed Zelda's ass cheeks with one hand with the other at the head of her bed. He helped her get her hips rocking back and forth while he classily slid his legendary member in and out of his lover.

He bent over and kissed Zelda ever so gently. When their lips disengaged, she looked into his big blue eyes and held his face over her with her hands.

"I love you, Link. I love you so much."

"HUT! HYUUUT! I mean… I love you too. This is incredible… feels like… my first time all over again. Now I wish I'd waited for you."

She pulled his head down next to hers to feel his breath and kisses on her neck and his warm body pressed up against her. This was the closest two people could possibly get to one another, and in this moment, it didn't matter that she wasn't his first. In fact, his added experience was a blessing, if anything.

"I don't mind… not being… your first… you're… so… good at this… ohh you make me so wet… you can… go faster again…"

And so Link did. His thrusts grew in strength and intensity.

"SHHYUT! KYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHH! Um… how… close are you…?" he asked her, clearly having difficulty holding himself back.

_Right, this was before he started doing kegels religiously._

"Almost… almost there… I… ahhh!" Zelda moaned, and then wrapped her heels around Link's toned ass, pushing him up against her as she held his dick inside her and came buckets against its filling sensation.

"I'm TYYEAAAH! I'm coming, too!" he cried.

"I wanna drink it!" Zelda said ecstatically, and Link pulled out. But the force of pulling out had Link ready to burst, and he ejaculated all over the princess' body, from her abdomen to her breasts to her face.

Zelda sat up to meet Link, who was on his knees. She licked his shaft and balls clean, basking in the warm afterglow that colored her face.

"Mmmmmm, it tastes sweet."

"Probably 'coz you had me eat all those pineapples."

"Sure glad I did."

After using her magic to clean up the excess semen, the princess snuggled back up with Link and smiled.

"That was flippin' incredible," she said. "Now I don't know how I can live without that. Don't leave," she said, repeating a mantra she'd been keeping to herself for the past few weeks.

"I won't be gone too long. Hyrule's my home."

She nodded. "I know. Just promise me you'll write."

"Every day."

Pillow talk kept them awake for the next couple of hours, until they fell asleep in each other's arms.

As for the next day, as you might expect, they basically didn't leave Zelda's chambers. Link put on the Bunny Hood, so they were literally fucking like Rabbids (or Bunearies?), and having food brought in whenever they were hungry. They stopped only to use the bathroom or eat.

It was something like ten in the evening when Ganon knocked on their door. Despite the room being supposedly soundproof, the banging of Zelda's bed was creating quite the ruckus in the hallway.

"Hey, uh, guys? The last train to Smash City is leaving in twenty minutes."

"LET THEM WAIT!" cried Zelda, who was currently riding Link cowgirl-style. Though she was quite raw down there, a healthy heaping of Chu Jelly kept her functioning.

"Uh, all righty then."

So as it turned out, Link ended up leaving the next morning, missing the first half-day of orientation at the Smashgrounds.

* * *

**V. Girls Girls Girls**

In the time that Link was gone, Zelda took to practicing her sparring as Sheik.

Hyped up from occasional visits to the Smashgrounds, where they watched their good friend smack some bitches up, both Zelda and Ganon decided to brush up on their fighting techniques, in the event that they might one day be invited to the exclusive tourney.

During their visits, the charismatic Captain Falcon struck up a friendship with Ganondorf, and even taught him his unique fighting style ("Falcon Fu") so they could spar against one another.

At least twice a week, either Link would take the midnight train and sneak back to the castle for a late-night quickie, or Zelda herself would go over to the Smashgrounds and rendezvous with Link for some frolicking in the hay, so to speak.

And of course, Link would update her with the goings-on at the grounds.

He'd developed a very professional relationship with Samus, he explained, especially since she had never really had close friends before.

The outspoken Captain Falcon seemed to be more her type, despite being openly bisexual.

As he could not communicate well with any of the others, Yoshi was showing signs of unchecked perversion, such as leaving jism stains everywhere and occasionally placing odd things up his bunghole.

Kirby and Jigglypuff had become close friends, despite a friendly rivalry.

Donkey Kong was a badass on the battlefield, but a studious guy who spent a lot of time reading.

Fox kept trying to hit on Samus, but seeing as how he was turned down at every turn, he channeled his sexual frustration into his training.

Ness really liked playing baseball, and his friends would come over and visit.

Mario and Luigi were often arguing over the smallest things, but the plumbers were both charismatic leaders.

Pikachu was a bit of a prima donna, who 'needed' daily massages and was a complete food fiend. His aromatherapy candles and cigars apparently stank up the whole dormitory, but at least the Pokemon could cook a Moo Moo Cow steak instantly with his Thunder attack.

These letters brought a lot of color to Zelda's life, and some of them were written for her to read to Ganon as well, to keep him in touch, which he really appreciated.

Ever since she and Link began their sexual escapades and romantic correspondence, Zelda's levels of confidence grew. She felt herself become stronger and stronger as the weeks grew by, something that helped a lot during the next few whirlwind years.

Around the time of _Majora's Mask_, a very odd decision was made to de-age Link, creating some tension between the Hylians and Nintendo's EAD team. And so, Link inhabited the body of a child during its development. To speed along the development process, Zelda offered to be a part of the design team, working as Link's personal assistant on-set. Whenever they wanted to make sexytime, Link simply put on the Fierce Deity Mask and they went to town, though it did feel a bit weird doing it with an eyeless entity. They couldn't have been happier when the game's development period ended.

Link, Zelda, and Ganon were redesigned for the Spaceworld 2000 demo, but the game itself ran into a few hitches along the way. The concept of a photorealistic Zelda was abandoned, and the legendary trio were given a lengthy holiday, in which time they went on a tour of Nintendo's other worlds while the developers worked from scratch with very different 'Toon' versions of Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf.

There was one fun dinner where the old cast met up with the new one, and after a few drinks, Link gave this younger, cartoonish version of himself some sage advice.

"Always keep on the lookout for shit you can bomb. If it's got a crack in the wall, bomb it."

"Right," said Toon Link, who scribbled this down in his notebook.

"Oh, and when in doubt, roll to get around."

"Roll?"

"Yeah, man. It's much faster. These new 3D games make it so easy. For combat, you just gotta lock on to your target and walk circles around 'em with your shield up until you see an opportunity. Then you've got options. Jump attack, stab, horizontal slash, spin attack, hookshot, boomerang, whatever works… you'll get the hang of it. There's nothin' to it."

"Gotcha, boss."

"Oh, and practice your 'wonder' face."

"Wonder face?"

"You know, like when you've just picked up a new item. They made me do that shit, like, a million times before they got the shots right."

"Here, lemme give it a try," said Toon Link, and picked up his goblet and held it high in the air.

Link was shocked. "Dude… that was perfect. You just sent chills down my spine. You're like… a work of fine fuckin' art right now. Wow. Man, I just… fuck. I can't even look at you."

"C'mon man, you don't have to make fun o' me."

(**A/N:** Apologies to "Step Brothers" for stealing that joke)

"No, bro. I'm dead serious. I was a little taken aback at them cat-eyes of yours, but they're really expressive. Listen, you're gonna make a _perfect_ Link."

Zelda and Tetra got along just fine; in fact, it kind of weirded them both out how similar they were.

The _Wind Waker _set was unlike any they'd ever seen. Instead of the traditional studio set-up, they were actually immersed in a giant overworld, and even got to take a few journeys on Tetra's Pirate Ship.

But after that, the trio spent most of their time visiting Nintendo's other worlds. They went fishing, snowboarding, golfing, kart racing, and ice climbing. When at Hyrule, they pursued their own individual hobbies.

During this time period, Zelda couldn't help but feel like they had been cast out of CAST, effectively rendering the more anatomically realistic Triforce Trinity as obsolete and obscure, but Link and Ganon both assured her that the whole "cel-shaded thing" was just a fad, and that their semi-retirement would end someday.

Perhaps inevitably, Ganondorf tired of being a third wheel and drifted apart from Link and Zelda. He'd been spending more time with the Developers, especially Mr. Sakurai and Mr. Eiji Aonuma, and started to help them design puzzles for their games and interact with their fans (much of his work here he was unable to tell Zelda and Link, being under a non-disclosure agreement). On the weekends, he still trained rather religiously by fighting Zelda and Sheik, though, and even went to the Smashgrounds once in a while to let off some steam… but for the most part, when not working, he kept to himself.

When it came time for _Super Smash Bros. Melee, _Zelda was more than ready to leap into battle, and even brought up the idea of having a mechanic where she got to fight as Sheik. The director, Mr. Sakurai, seemed to be fine with this, especially seeing as how freely and graciously the princess fought as her ninja-like alter-ego.

The days making _Melee _were among the best of Zelda's life, not least because she was able to portray a version of herself that encouraged young females to cross-dress as badass ninjas.

It got to the point where Zelda felt so comfortable as Sheik that she tired of playing the role of 'princess', which caused a rift between her and the development team when they announced that the next Zelda, _Twilight Princess_, would not feature Sheik or the Sheikah in any way.

And so Zelda grinned and bore it. At least she could see Link on a regular basis now, and she quite enjoyed being a hot brunette for a change, even if the boots were a bit uncomfortable and she was a little jealous of all the time Midna got to spend riding her beloved's back…

_Not to mention how that temptress Ilia kept trying to persuade me to 'share' Link with herself and the other ladies._

"I'm not saying I don't respect you, because I really do," said Ilia as she shared some of her herbal tea by the river with Zelda. "I look up to you a lot. I just think, with the strength of your relationship and the inevitability that you'll spend the rest of your lives with your eternally young selves… it wouldn't do anyone any harm. You'd be free to see other people, too."

But Zelda huffed her cheeks. "It's not _like _that with us," she said. "Link and I don't _need _anyone but each other."

"Truuuue, maybe you don't _need _anyone else," said Ilia, "but doesn't it add more variety to life? He's like, the most super hot and beastly man, like evar, and you've got him on a leash. Don't you think you should set him free, if you really do love him so much?"

"You're way off base. He's never once even _asked _me if we could be polyamorous," Zelda pointed out.

"If he did, though… would you consider it?"

"He wouldn't!"

"But if he did-"

"Hmph. You're trying to make _me _look like the bad guy here."

"I'm just asking questions," said Ilia, and then backed off. "Maybe he's just afraid to ask you, but then, that really isn't my business. It's okay. I understand that it's your prerogative if you want to keep him for yourself, Your Highness."

As the Hyrulean stood from the tea table and made a show of her barely veiled frustrations via a disrespectful mockery of a bow and curtsy, Zelda felt like smashing her porcelain teacup.

_Is it really selfish for me to want to keep him all to myself? _

_We're not humans; we don't have children, or families, at least not in the nuclear sense. There's no sanctity to preserve or protect, no fear of sexually transmitted diseases._

_But Link is mine, and I am his, and nothing in the Multiverse is gonna change that._

Midna, as well, was quite open about her feelings, especially once the game had been completed. In her more humanoid form, she was chilling in the Twilight Realm with both Link and Zelda, who were chugging some beers and tossing the cans off the side of a cliff.

"I won't lie that I'm terribly jealous of what you two have," Midna told them. "In fact, I really oughta thank you for letting me into your inner circle."

"You're fun to hang around with," Zelda said. "I'm just glad you haven't tried to make a move on Link."

"Not yet, at least," she joked. "Actually, can I overstep my boundaries for a second?"

"What do you mean?"

"With your blessing, I'd like to kiss him, just once," she asked Zelda. "Would you be okay with that?"

The princess thought about this for a while.

"Why?" she asked.

"I just want to know what it's like to be kissed by the Hero."

Zelda gave her a bit of a death glare. "Fine, but no tongue. And I get to watch."

Midna rolled her eyes. "Awww. All right."

She closed the distance and kissed Link straight on the lips. Midna made it last, and drew out her eye contact with Link afterwards, searching for what she meant to him.

"Thanks," she told them both, and then stood up and walked away. "I'll catch ya guys at dinner."

Link watched the Twilight Princess leave, holding her eyes with his just for a second. He then studied his girlfriend's pained reaction.

"I saw you checking her out," said Zelda.

"I made sure you did," he said, his face rather serious. "So you'd see that this is as far as it goes."

Zelda hung her head. "I'm not enough for you, am I?"

But Link took her hand. "You're _more _than enough for me, babe. I don't think I could handle any more drama from another girl, nor would I want to. But you've gotta understand, my looking at other girls doesn't affect how I feel about you. It was only a kiss."

She smiled a bit at this, and he continued.

"I'll be honest. I'm a man, or at least I'm programmed like one. Since we're always surrounded by other women, I do have those kinds of desires from time to time. Every man does – the ones that avert their eyes or pretend they don't ever notice other women are just lying to themselves. But there's no one else for me. Every woman I've met, they've all got chips on their shoulders. They're all a little crazy."

"I'm a little crazy, too. You know that first-hand."

"Maybe, but I've never met someone that's as well-adjusted, as reasonable, as honest, and as comfortable in their own skin. They're not like you. No one will ever be you."

"Link… thank you."

"No thanks required. I'm speakin' from the heart. You're my soulmate, Zelda. A little light flirting with the co-stars isn't gonna change that."

"Sometimes I'm just not sure if you really believe that, or if you're just lying to yourself for my sake. Because if you are… I would feel like the most selfish girlfriend in the world. Mario and Peach went through a swinging phase. Daisy and Luigi are still polyamorous. So are Nana and Popo. Not to mention Mach Rider and Captain Falcon, before they broke up."

"Stop right there," he said, and squeezed her hand. "I can tell that just talking about this is making you uncomfortable. I could never do anything that would hurt you, Zelda. Let's drop the subject for now."

_For now._

_Those two words continued to be on my mind for years. Link… in trying to be a gentleman, you've only stirred up my greatest fears. As a result, I became clingier, more paranoid. _

_How long is 'for now'? _

_At what point will this issue boil over, or are we doomed to never discussing it?_

_Do you not understand what you did to me?_

_I tried to will myself to fall for someone else, to act on the sexual attraction I'd felt for Marth, Roy, and Ganon, at the very least. Maybe I had a fixation on you, because you were my first. Whatever the reasons, I couldn't get myself to the level where I could even think about being with someone else._

_Call me a hopeless romantic, but I've never been able to break free of the ideals of serial monogamy._

* * *

**VI. Same Ol' Situation**

After the luxurious vacation with friends that was _Super Smash Bros. Brawl _ended with Snake and Samus' breakup amidst the dramatic revelations about CAST members' jumbled-up dreams and overflowing memories putting the system at risk, it started appearing to everyone that their days of peaceful co-existence with the humans were numbered.

Add that to an atmosphere of sexual tension and a general CAST-wide fear for Nintendo's future, and the years between _Twilight Princess _and _Skyward Sword _were pretty agonizing.

Not much changed when Zelda turned back into a blonde. She got to spend a lot more time with Link at the start of _Skyward Sword's_ cut-scene filming, but sadly, despite the game's script emphasizing the innate closeness of the Hero and the Goddess Incarnate as childhood friends, the whole experience was definitely a lull in their relationship, a far cry from the honeymoon period of _Ocarina_.

"There's no use worryin' about it, Zell. Bein' exclusive's a virtue, if anything," said Groose. He'd stolen a cigar break in between takes of the early-game Loftwing competition scene. "Most couples would only dream of what you two have had for _the last fifteen_ _years_. That's longer than a lotta human marriages."

"But that's the _thing_, Groose. We may be practically married, but it's _my _dream. It's not his. If he had his way, he'd probably be macking on every eligible girl in sight."

"Have ya asked him that?"

"He won't give me a straight answer. He might not even know himself."

"Ball's in his court then, 'innit? Maybe you should just try to enjoy what you've got."

"That's precisely the problem! Until this relationship feels _fair _for the both of us, I _can't_ enjoy it!"

"Sounds like you're worryin' over a whole lotta nothin'. Be happy this is the extent of your stress. If there's one truth in this universe, sister, it's that life isn't fair. That applies to relationships, too. If he's used to it, you can get used to it, too."

"But I've _been _used to it."

Of course, fate proved her otherwise. After noticing Link joking around with Peatrice, who fixed his hair up for the next shot and offered him some water, Zelda clammed up.

_He's just a flirt by nature. I know he won't sleep with anyone else but me… but he's so sly, he just can't help making women laugh and smile. That fool should really know better by now._

Despite herself, Zelda threw Peatrice a death glare that scared her away. She even warned the poor girl by grabbing her arm as she passed by and whispering in her ear.

"Be careful around Link," she warned her. "Don't you get too close to him, unless you want to see my bad side."

Peatrice looked terrified. "Y-y-yes, princess."

Zelda also couldn't stop herself from chastising Link about the incident later on.

"So, you appeared to be having an interesting conversation with that item storage girl."

"She has a name," Link pointed out rather sharply. "I saw you harassing her earlier. It's like this every game. You've gotta start some drama with every woman who so much as looks at me. We hang out, like, every day. Why are you so threatened? What more have I gotta do to prove you're my number one?!"

"I don't know," she said. "I'm fucked in the head. I'm a jealous bitch."

"No, it doesn't… it doesn't just _end _with you sayin' that. Bashing yourself isn't gonna fix this. There's a truth here we need to unearth."

"Let's wait until tomorrow," she told Link, her hands trembling. "I don't think I can talk right now."

He hugged her.

"I'm sorry I raised my voice," he said.

"I'm sorry, too."

"Do you want to get some dinner?"

Zelda shook her head and smiled. "I'm not really that hungry," she said, despite her near-grumbling stomach. She took a walk, stealing a rare chance to be alone as the stars snuck out during the night cycle.

After munching on some oven-baked macaroni, the princess decided to open herself up to Lady Fi as the two sat calmly overlooking the waterfall in Skyloft, and the way the moon crossed over the night sky.

"Mother CAST…" she began.

"Yes, my dear?" responded Lady Fi, who was gliding effortlessly across the waters of the floating island in the small pool.

"What do you think of Link and I? Do you think we're compatible?"

"But of course, Zelda. There is a ninety-three-and-a-half percent chance that you are each other's best match. I took great care to make sure you two would grow close. It makes for a more efficient development cycle."

"Really?!"

_That sounds awfully manipulative of her! _Zelda thought.

_Do not forget that I am attuned to your thoughts, Zelda. Perhaps you require more specific parameters about your compatibility?_

"Numbers won't help. My situation is… kind of complicated," said Zelda. "Sometimes I feel like I'm holding Link back. I'm happy being exclusive, but I'm not sure that he is, and maybe I'm kind of responsible for that."

"I can modify him so that he desires only you, but we would need his and Mr. Aonuma's consent."

"No! No, I don't want that at all!"

"So what is it that you wish to change?"

"Myself, I guess. I just want to accept the way things are. Maybe then I can learn to be happy, and make him happy, too."

"If you have made it clear to him that he has options, the factors of his happiness are not dependent on your actions. To believe otherwise is an act of conceit."

"It sounds simple when you say it like that. But I feel the reality of the situation is… when you've been together with someone for so long… you influence one another in ways you could never expect. I'll tell him one thing, and mean another. Like, I'm not okay with the way he farts indoors… but if I don't bring it up, I've only got myself to blame. It's like that with the small things as well as the big ones. I just don't think I can love him properly until I'm capable of accepting myself at a mature level."

"Then you must develop self-respect. Make an effort to be the best that you can possibly be."

"I feel that's easier when I don't have the safety net of all these other AIs here."

"That is another thing you might work on: not making excuses for yourself."

_Damn! _Zelda thought. _Real talk here, coming from our Overseer, no less. Maybe the system in place can help us in a way, after all._

Long story short, Zelda made it a point to focus on self-improvement, and even helped the developers in writing her touching monologue to Link near the end of the game.

"And so Hylia... I mean, and so I... I knew that if it meant saving Zelda, you would throw yourself headfirst into any danger, without even a moment's doubt... I... I used you. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for pulling you into all of this, Link…"

The princess choked back some sniffles.

"CUT!" Eiji Aonuma cried, and halted their filming of the dramatic scene. "Makeup department!"

The sealed crystal opened up and Zelda practically fell into Link's arms.

"I'm sorry…" she said. "I'm slowing everyone down."

As Peatrice ran onto the scene, wiped away Zelda's tears and worked on reapplying her makeup, the _Legend of Zelda _series Producer's voice gently spoke over the entire production.

"Zelda, I understand that it's a dramatic scene and I appreciate the effort, but the idea is that you're trying to be strong for Link."

She nodded. "I understand, sir. I'm doing my best."

"Stay awesome, princess," said Peatrice, who, despite being threatened by her, was professional enough to hold no ill will towards Zelda. "We're almost wrapped."

At this, Zelda nodded her thanks and put on her bravest face.

Link stroked the back of her head. "Shhh. Once this is over, I'll take you out for a good meal. Anything you want."

"I just want you. I don't want to lose you."

"Whatever gave you that impression?"

"I don't know," Zelda replied. "I've been having more dreams lately. Weird dreams."

And just like that, at the mention of these rogue memories, the Zelda watching this flashback remembered them.

_Alternate timelines. Alternate Links and Zeldas. Due to a glitch deep in Mother CAST's emergent code, memories would erroneously combine into the same registry files from split realities and other development departments._

_I'd wake up and not know who I was. Then I'd look in the mirror and remember that HE was there. I'd see the evidence of him being in my life, and I'd fall to pieces in relief._

_That's because in my dreams, so very often, I was alone, or with someone I was unhappy with._

_But not Link. _

_I'd see him and Ilia riding alongside one another in bliss. Ilia bringing him sandwiches in between his goat herding jobs._

_He'd be inside humanoid Midna, calling out her name instead of mine._

_Or he and Malon would go for a quickie in the back of the stables, and roll down hills afterwards, laughing all the way. _

_As Young Link, he'd be holding hands with Saria, or bottling milk and fending off aliens with Cremia. _

_Older versions of Link would be dancing with Din, and loving it. Or even having sex on the beach with grown-up Marin._

_I knew these were all alternate worlds, alternate Links from rigorous Beta-testing sessions. And that mine would never betray me so. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt like a bitch._

"Do you have these kinds of dreams, too?" she asked him, sitting on the footsteps of the sealing chamber.

"Yes," said Link. "Impa says we're all starting to have them."

"I don't know if I can take it anymore," said Zelda.

Link let her put her head on his shoulder. "There's ways out of it. We can get our memories suppressed, cutting off ties to the system and living without any knowledge of the past."

"I wouldn't want to lose our precious memories together."

"Nor would I. There's another option. We can do what Krystal did: opt to freeze ourselves in cryo-sleep for a few years. Maybe when they wake us up, there'll be some kind of cure for this mess."

The scenario reminded the princess too much of her supposed thousand-years in isolation. The thought of her consciousness literally ceasing to exist while her body was used like some marionette was ridiculously terrifying.

Zelda shook her head. "It's not worth the lost time. What if the servers collapse while we're in there, or Nintendo never wakes us up?"

"Golly, I hadn't even considered that last one," said Link. "Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna go for that either."

"Then what do we do?" she asked.

"The best that we can," he replied with a kiss. "Come on, let's get back to work."

Even their best efforts were not enough to overcome the system's fatal glitch, however.

During the development of _Super Smash Bros. for the 3DS and Wii U, _the exponential overload of having over fifty high-definition-modeled characters on one roster and their friends partake in a rather epic reunion overloaded Mother CAST. The infamous 'memory glitch' was taking its toll as the resulting influxes of memories flooded the servers, prompting a complete system shutdown.

The development team lost an entire month of work.

There was only one quick solution: All CAST members were subject to mandatory memory suppression.

"It appears that we can't get the transformations working on the 3DS version," Mr. Sakurai told Zelda one on one. "So you're going to have to make a choice."

As the team was working to rebuild the primary servers, the princess was standing in the midst of a completely white field, with nothing but a snowy expanse in every direction.

"What choice would that be?" she asked.

The _Super Smash Bros._ director made two pictures appear before her: plastic trophies. 'Amiibos', the text read.

"You are going to have to decide whether you want to continue on as Zelda, or Sheik."

Zelda clutched at her heart. "What do you mean? Can I never transform again?"

"In your free time, sure. But as far as _Smash Bros. _is concerned, Zelda and Sheik are now different characters. For whichever one you don't pick, Mother CAST will awaken an alternate fighter. I'm aware that you and Link have had a long and meaningful history, but since you are both going to lose your memories anyway… well, you do seem to rather enjoy fighting as Sheik. Please, take your time. I want you to make the decision that suits you best."

But the Princess didn't need time to ponder Sakurai's words. "Let me remain Zelda," she said. "If there's even a chance that Link and I might fall in love again, I want to take it."

"I admire your determination, princess," said Mr. Sakurai with a smile. "Zelda it is."

The Hylian smiled. "At least now I only need to fold one set of clothes."

"That's the way to look at it," Mr. Sakurai laughed, but he saw that Zelda was having a hard time. "I really do apologize."

"It's okay," said Zelda. "You didn't cause this glitch, and you didn't determine the limits of the 3DS. All I ask is that I get to meet Sheik as she's born."

"Not a problem," he told her. "In fact, let's make it an event."

* * *

**VII. Time For Change**

And so, Link, Zelda, and Toon Link stood alongside Lady Fi at the birthing chamber as Sheik emerged from the embryonic sac.

The Sheikah looked around in a daze, and then spotted both Zelda and Fi.

"Where am I?" she asked. "And what's that cat-eyed thing?"

"HEY!" Toon Link cried. "I resemble that remark!"

"You're home," said Zelda, and took the newborn's hands. "Sheik, I'm very glad to finally meet you. The cat-eyed one is Toon Link, and I'm your alter-ego's namesake, Zelda. I'm sure you're familiar with Link. The silver one is our Mother CAST, also known as Lady Fi."

"Uh, hi. Nice to meet y'all. You're like a mirror image of me."

"That's right. Miss Sheik, you'll be taking on a position I've held for a good thirteen years now. In about an hour, the Developers are going to be instituting mandatory memory wipes, so this probably isn't going to stick… but please understand that it's going to be a long and difficult road ahead, and if anything happens, I want you to know that you have us as friends to rely on, okay?"

"Okay," Sheik replied, and accepted hugs from the others.

"W-wow," she said. "Thanks for the warm welcome."

In the last hour the Smashers had left before losing their memories, they all gathered around a campfire with the other Smashers just outside the Birthing Chamber. A melancholic tone led the feeling that night, as everyone seemed to have accepted the fact that this was the last time they would ever share their innermost thoughts.

'Truth' or 'Dare' became quite popular.

"Truth," chose Rosalina.

"Okay," said Pit. "Is it true that you're supposed to be Luigi's and Peach's daughter from an alternate timeline?"

"Oh, my!" Peach exclaimed. "Could that be true?"

Don Luigi shrugged. "If so, that's a-news to me."

"Er," replied Rosalina. "To be honest with you, I don't actually have an answer to that question. If you don't mind my asking, Pit, where did you hear that rumor?"

"It's from a _Game Theory _video. There's actually a mountain of evidence."

(**A/N:** I'm aware of the anachronism here - the _Game Theorists' _video actually came out fairly recently, so there's no way Pit would have seen it before this flashback took place, but I just wanted to give a shout out to it)

"When a-they aren't doing a-size comparisons, those guys are a-pretty legit," said Wario. "Mario, you got anything to say about a-this?"

But Nintendo's biggest star was passed out on Peach's lap, his head nestled into position. He hiccupped in his sleep as she massaged his head.

"Let him sleep," she said, her cheeks flushed. "Even if it's true, it's just Nintendo's backstory. He doesn't need to hear this. And Rosalina?"

"Y-y-yes?" the blue-clad woman said sheepishly.

"I think you would have made a wonderful daughter," Peach replied with a smile. She had Rosalina sit beside her and took her hand.

"Thank you… mama," Rosalina said, cuddling up to her. Yoshi leaned on Peach's other side, and oddly enough, she allowed it. There was no use being upset anymore.

"I love you," Fox told Zero Suit Samus.

"I know," Samus replied. "You've only said it like a million times."

Bowser was reading Tolstoy, while Junior had cuddled up with a bunch of Pikmin.

Sheik and Zelda listened to the Hero playing some tunes on his ocarina. Toon Link roasted marshmallows with GW, Ness and Falco.

Ike, Marth, and Kirby sat contemplatively, while Dedede, Popo, Olimar, and Lucario were trying to get as fucked up as digitally possible. They had just taken a rather large dose of mescaline and were lying down giggling up at the night sky.

A rather quiet Newcomer that Zelda did not recognize was sitting among the group, but simply looking up at the stars. Dressed in nothing but a pair of gray shorts, he boasted very light-colored hair and wielded a ginormous red weapon that might in some futuristic universe have been considered a sword or blade of some kind.

After some time, Impa arrived with the entourage from the Moon base. She was joined by Ganondorf, Solid Snake, ROB, Jigglypuff, Prof. E. Gadd, Takamaru, the Duck Hunt Dog, and the Wii Fit Trainers.

"Snake?" exclaimed Captain Falcon. "Great to see you, man!"

"Likewise."

Snake and Zero Suit Samus locked glances, and after a long moment of disbelief the _Metroid _heroine leapt up and gave him a big hug.

"I was wondering if you'd ever show up," she told him.

"Me too," he replied. "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting."

The two embraced again, and though she had broken it off many years prior, she hadn't expected to miss him so badly. Her eyes told a story of hurt and loneliness.

"When this is over..."

"Shhh," he said. "Just be in the moment."

Impa cleared her throat for them to move aside. Samus and Snake walked off to the side a bit and held one another.

"When did you get back from Konami? Are you joining us on the grounds?"

"As for that second one, probably not, unfortunately. But I never left," he said. "I was given the option to stay here… to watch over you until it came time for the next _Smash Bros. _game."

She kissed him with the full force of her being.

Impa stepped forward to address the others, since Samus was definitely not going to be available. "Ganon here just announced his retirement from his honorary developer position. He did some good work for us up here, but it seems he misses you all and wants to rekindle some old friendships. So we've got one open space. Does anyone else wish to join us? Anyone at all?"

"GANON THE CANNON! HELL YEAH!" exclaimed Link. "Man, it's good to have ya back!"

Link, Zelda, and Toon Link all embraced Ganondorf, who was warmly invited back into their group. He shook hands with Sheik.

The remaining Smashers all kind of looked at one another, unsure about Impa's proposal.

"Come, now. All we need's one other mole on the inside." Impa said, filing her nails with her pen.

"Go for it," Link told Zelda. "You can carry on the memory of our relationship."

But she shook her head. "I won't be separated from you."

Impa pointed at the green-clad plumber. "How about you, Don Luigi?"

Luigi cleared his throat. "Since my inception, I've been a man of my word. To take on this job would mean that every day, I would have to live the life of a liar. With all due respect, I do not think I can properly manage the realm's affairs with such a mindset."

"A fair answer," said Impa.

"What's the pay like?" Pac-Man asked.

"Pay?" Snake sneered. "Peanuts. No vacation time, either. The benefits are absolute shit. We eat slop and live a meager lifestyle, nothing compared to what these guys have. The pool isn't even heated-"

"Shush," said Impa. "Puck, unlike most of us, you'll be living at the Smashgrounds ninety percent of the time, so you'll still live a life of luxury. But Snake has a point, and that is this. Nobody wants to do this job. It's dirty, it's difficult, and it's taxing on your soul. The true test of this position is _prestige_. You will have influence and acclaim. Smash City will love you."

"Will I be higher-up than Mario?" Pac-Man asked, starry-eyed.

"Er, in terms of rank and general influence, at least," said Impa. "In addition to being one of the main hosts, you'll also be Don Luigi's second-in-command."

"IN YOUR FACE, BOB HOSKINS!" Puck said, and shoved his derriere in Mario's unconscious face. He slapped the plumber across the cheeks and wiggled his nose, to no effect. "I'll take the job!"

"Done and done," said Impa, and placed a check on her clipboard. "Congratulations on being the future most hated member of the Smashgrounds."

"I dunno about that," said Puck. "I hear there's a rumor that Dr. Mario and Dark Pit might be on the roster instead of Ridley and Mewtwo. I know it only takes a fraction of the development time to create a clone, but golly! That's sure to spark some fan wars. At the very least, you could get Sakurai to offer those two as DLC or somethin'!"

"We do not comment on rumors and speculation," said Impa, repeating the standard company line.

Upon reaching this point, modern-day Impa's telepathic signal cut through the flood of memories.

_Zelda, are you there?_

_Yes, I'm here, _the princess replied. _If these memories overload the servers, how is it I'm able to remember all this?_

_It's the same reason you were gifted with your psychic abilities. As a caster, you have exceptional mental strength. You're the only one that possibly could handle this knowledge. Why did I contact you again…? OH, RIGHT! Let me give you the skinny on what all happened._

This system was enforced by Nintendo's own Mother CAST and a growing group of agents co-hosted by a combination of local servers connecting them to Bandai Namco Games, Capcom, Konami, and Sega.

The result of these combined servers was the Moon base overlooking the Smashgrounds. In actuality, the Moon functioned as a home for Mother CAST and her operatives to keep the Smashers in line, and that they did, with an iron fist.

_Is there any way we can break free of this system? _Zelda asked.

_There's only one_, replied Impa._ And that is the hope that someone can fix Lady Fi's glitch before the servers blow._

_And what are the chances of that?_

Impa hesitated before replying. _Very, very low. I'm sorry. It's probably too late to do anything about this situation._

Zelda steeled her nerves._ So what's the most likely scenario? Is there any other way to avoid complete server collapse?_

_The most likely scenario, princess, is that Iwata decides to pull the plug. Mother CAST is shut down and rebooted from a backup file. All of our memories – including the ones of us protectors – are suppressed. Half of us – that is, those of us with the most latent memories who therefore pose the most risk – will be frozen, possibly forever. _

_The developers will continue to utilize our technical assets to create new games, but our actual consciousnesses will only see the light of day at the utmost need, one at a time. Unless the developers will it to be so, you and Link may never interact again. _

_NO! _Zelda exclaimed telepathically. _WE CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN!_

_I agree. If we didn't have a chance in hell, I wouldn't be telling you this. But right now Lady Fi's in a bad way. If somehow Mother CAST's glitch can be repaired while she's in this vulnerable state, there's a spot of hope. How we can help her, I have no idea. But maybe, just maybe, there's someone who can get the job done. _

Zelda's ears perked up. _Then there's hope! That's something._

_There's always hope, princess. Wake up._

With a snap of Impa's fingers, the Hylian jolted awake in her room. She burst open the doors of her cabin and ran down the hallway to the bridge, filled with vigor and courage.

_I know the odds are stacked against us, but we have a chance, dammit!_

* * *

**VIII. Live Wire**

"I'm going to take it head-on!" TGFKA Palutena announced as she flew desperately towards the approaching missile, which was the same one that Rosalina had redirected from hitting the _Comet Observatory_.

Dark Pit flew up and landed on it, and then tried to pry open the deactivation hatch.

"It won't budge!" he yelled.

"Take your time, sweetie."

Palutena calmly used space-bending magic to slow the missile's descent as the beleaguered angel dug through his fanny pack for a hex screwdriver to undo the bolts.

"This is bullshit!" cried he. "I know I had one somewhere! Wait! Look out!"

Lady Palutena shot out her reflector to send back four missiles fired by Eagle's Fighter Jets.

"Just what we needed," she said sarcastically as four more Fighters flew in to replace the two she'd just downed.

The Goddess was pushing the limits of her powers. She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep airborne while holding the missile in place and reflecting incoming fire.

* * *

Captain Falcon awoke to a rocking feeling. The sky was passing him by; he was on a stretcher. A blurry Chibi-Robo offered him a thermos of water and he drank, though the water dripped right out from his skeleton past his esophagus.

"Chibi-Robo…"

"How's it hanging, stranger?" asked one of the men carrying the stretcher. He wore a cool blue outfit with a weird see-through eyepatch that wasn't quite a monocle, and not quite half of a set of goggles.

"Ugh, I feel like a hot mess," Captain Falcon said. "That was worse than the time I bailed off of _Big Blue _with a faulty parachute."

"Faulty memory was the problem, not equipment. A lifetime o' takin' beatings couldn't-a prepared me for that crazy cunt," Little Mac added.

The Captain then realized that Little Mac was being carried on another stretcher just alongside him. The boxer was little more than a charred and incomplete skeleton, but he was getting better.

"Mac? We made it. Guys, I don't know how to thank-" he began, before coughing out a whole lot of blood and ash.

"Hey, take it easy," said the guy at the foot of Cap's stretcher, a rather furry thing with humongous floppy ears. "Carrying you isn't exactly what I'd call light exercise."

"Sorry, bro," Falcon replied. "I can't help being beautifully big-boned. No, seriously. I just can't seem to change my physique."

"Your physique was never up to you," said the diminutive woman with a red beret who was at the head of Mac's stretcher. "You're the creation of a design team."

"A what?"

"As we thought. They don't know anything," said the female furry thing who was carrying the foot of Mac's stretcher with a giant orange hand popping out of a rather large and ornate helmet. "Let's try not to blow their minds too hard, guys."

"Outta curiosity, who are ya guys exactly?" Mac queried.

"The _Brawlers Without Borders_," replied the blue-clad guy. "My name's Vyse. This here's Klonoa, Adeleine, and Midna. We're former CAST members, now refugees of the system. We want no part in this godforsaken conflict and have eked out a humble existence here."

"How can you possibly hide right under their noses like this?"

"Let's just say we have someone looking out for us," said Klonoa. "Save your strength. Talking and thinking only slows down your recovery."

Captain Falcon failed at flexing his arms. He was incapable of Falcon Punching anything, and that made him sad.

As the group reached a small clearing, he turned left to see that they were not too far from a large cliff overlooking a vast canyon, the midst of which was covered in what could only be described as a massive cesspool of toxic waste and swamp gas.

About a mile out to his right, there was a rather epic battle going on outside of a very large Silo that bordered a towering castle. But they were heading parallel to the castle, carving through a hidden trench.

Before long the party arrived at a small bunker, the outside of which boasted a neon sign labeled "BWB".

Vyse pushed a button on the intercom and spoke. "Up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-Start."

"Welcome home, ladies and gents," the voice of Crash Bandicoot replied.

The crash victims were taken in and the party descended a Warp Pipe to the lower level.

It was a rather cool setup, a wide, one-room den but with very cleverly used space.

A billiards table completed a corner of the room. On the opposite side, there was an ornate stage (currently empty), and in the middle stood a kitchen counter that doubled as an open bar, and a set of tables for people to eat and play tabletop games, which they were doing at the moment. A loft halfway up to the ceiling hosted several sleeping areas, with private bunks being set up along the walls.

Bathrooms appeared to be cut into the rock, with translucent sliding glass doors.

Several characters sitting around playing a tabletop game were asked to stand up and move to the floor.

The rotund Dungeon Master seemed a bit peeved about this.

"C'mon, guys, really? We're low on space as it is."

"They're not gonna be living here!" groaned Klonoa. "Get out of the way, Eggman!"

"That's Doctor Eggman to you," the DM grumbled, bookmarking his page in "Driver's Ed and Dishwashers: An Advanced Earthling Master's Guide, Volume III".

One of the tabletop gamers adjusted his glasses and folded up his character sheet. "Put me on hold for a minute," he told Eggman. "My duty lies with the wounded."

"Fine, Derek, but don't blame us if Emma Watson blows you off on your date to the County Fair and goes with _moi _instead," another mustached man in a lab coat said.

"You wouldn't dare, Wily," Derek replied. "Skip my damn turn, Ivo."

He then turned to the scouting team and their acquisitions. "What have you got for me today?"

"Crash and burn victims, Dr. Stiles," Adeleine said. "Smashers."

"SMASHERS?!" came the collective response.

All two dozen of the _Brawlers Without Borders _came forward and gaped at the regenerating victims.

"I know that guy! That's Mach Rider!" Ms. Pac-Man exclaimed, pointing at Captain Falcon's bare flesh.

_Who was that girl? _Falcon wondered. _And just how the hell did I let her call me 'Dougie'?_

"Wrong, Puck," said Little Mac, whose left eye popped back into existence. "And why're ya dressed like a grill?"

"After all these years!" she yelled, and kicked over a barstool. "I am _not _Puck, that dirty, no-good fame-obsessed… UGH!"

"That was our last good barstool!" exclaimed the bartender, Crash Bandicoot.

"Give them some space!" Derek demanded, gently pushing Ms. Pac-Man away. "Now, where does it hurt?"

"Everywhere," Captain Falcon replied.

"This should help," said Dr. Stiles, and quickly injected both Smashers with some morphine.

"N-n-no drugs…" said Douglas, but it was too late.

Neku Sakuraba and Beat from _Jet Grind Radio _lent their headphones to the injured Smashers.

The soft opening keys of Utada Hikaru's "Sakurai Nagashi" rang in a crazy head trip for the Captain as he zoned out, completely dazed.

In his mind, all these random characters, most of which he had never seen in his life, were cuddling with him in a giant bed, engaging in a free-for-all orgy, all occurring in slow-motion.

When he woke up, it was to find himself fully healed. Falcon looked down and realized he was nearly naked; in place of his normal clothes, he had nothing on but a pair of boxer briefs. A tall albino clad in a white suit that looked like a work of failed _Power Rangers _cosplay licked his lips as he ogled the Captain.

"Hell-o there," he told the Captain. "Now aren't you just gorgeous all over. Oh, right," he continued, and offered Captain Falcon a bathrobe. "You were out for about ten minutes and we don't have many extra clothes, but this is the least gaudy thing we've got, and it's totes a hundred percent cotton."

Falcon tried it on – it was a little tight on the shoulders, but overall not too bad. "Wow, I can't thank you guys enough. Didn't catch your name."

"Ghirahim. Come on, sweet cheeks, I'll take you to your buddy."

They ascended the loft, where the game had been moved. Little Mac, who was wearing nothing but an oversized shirt, waved at his approaching buddy.

"Lookin' good, Mac. Dr. Stiles, you're a beast, dude! How did you heal us so quickly?" Falcon asked.

"Ah, that'll be my 'healing touch' ability," he said, looking up briefly from his character sheet. "Comes in handy during conflicts."

Dr. Eggman cleared his throat. "Have a seat, Falcon. Your questions will be answered after this turn."

Little Mac leaned over to whisper in Captain Falcon's ear. "Check it, man. They're role-playing. That dweeb's named Jeff_._ Oh, and those are the two opposing guys from Mega Man's realm," he said, pointing out Dr. Light and Dr. Wily at the table.

"Get out of town."

"No, I'm dead serious."

"Okay," Dr. Eggman continued, moving on to Dr. Wily. "So your boss is walking up to your cubicle, coffee in hand, expecting that report you were supposed to turn in."

"Close my browser window and minimize my _Minecraft _session. I'll submit my half-finished work and bluff, hoping he doesn't notice the details."

"All right, but he's in a bad mood. You're gonna have to roll an eighteen or higher to keep him from taking you into his office and going on a tirade."

"Outrageous! Can't it be a sixteen?"

"Just get on with it," Jeff said. "Wily, you're holding up the game again."

"All right, all right," the cranky bald-headed scientist said, and rolled. He got a natural twenty.

"IN! YOUR! FACE!" Wily exclaimed, and performed chopping motions on his crotch. He flipped over his chair in excitement. "Hooo-ahhh!"

"Damn, Albert," said Dr. Eggman. "It wasn't like your job was on the line or anything. Okay, so your boss is cool with the report. But then his eyes dart to your screen. It turns out you didn't properly minimize your _Minecraft _tab. So he ends up dragging you into his office anyway."

"BULLSHIT! Yer just tryin' to spite me, Robuttnik!"

"Come now, Dr. Eggman. I'm not one to usually challenge the DM but that just ain't fair," Derek told Eggman. "He clearly said he minimized the window."

"Yeah, but his keyboard shortcut failed. The keys were all funky because of the jism that landed in it from last night's after-work wank-off."

As Dr. Stiles considered this new development, a loud rumble shook the bunker and the power went out.

"Not again," said Dr. Light. "Something's the matter with the Silo lately, it seems."

"Well, shyeah," Captain Falcon told the group. "It's under attack by Pokemon."

All the Doctors instinctively covered their ears in fearful anticipation, and for good reason. Ms. Pac-Man screamed like a banshee at the loft-dwellers. "I've had it up to here with those damn monsters. I don't want to hear another word about Pokemon!"

"What's her problem?" asked Little Mac as Dr. Neo Cortex brought the group a hand-crank LED lantern to use. Chibi-Robo turned the crank for them.

Dr. Eggman lowered his voice. "She's been perpetually moody since Puck left. Really wanted to move to the Smashgrounds as an Assist Trophy. Got upset when they denied her application."

"With good reason," Dr. Light pointed out. "It's a life of luxury over there. No clogged toilets. No radioactive isotopes rotting the food."

"And none of your snoring," Dr. Wily chastised his old rival.

"Yeah, here's the thing, guys," said Captain Falcon. "The Smashers are all rising up in rebellion. The plan was to take over the moon. We're horribly outnumbered out there, but it seems like the Pokemon are getting the job done. I know you guys are trying to remain a neutral party in all of this, but if you help us, we can end the oppression of the Ominous Ones once and for all."

To which the entire table went silent.

"So it's true," said Dr. Eggman. "There's a battle out there."

"None of this shit would have happened if we hadn't let that fruitcake take off," growled Dr. Cortex.

Captain Falcon was horribly confused. "Wait, what are we missing?"

Dr. Wily spat into a nearby spittoon. "That asshole Gadd stole a bunch of our best equipment and took off to work for the Ominous Ones."

"And you just let it happen?" exclaimed Little Mac.

"We don't normally talk about it," said Dr. Light, "because it's a major source of shame. He lied to us, coerced us into helping him with his grand Mind Control device, to use on the psychic kids. And all along we never realized that he was working for the Man."

"It's our greatest regret," Dr. Stiles continued.

"Then it should be your responsibility to _do something_!" Captain Falcon demanded. "Good people are dying out there!"

A rather reverberant noise silenced the crowd.

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" screamed Davy the Chameleon. The hero of _Chameleon Twist _had just used his uber-long tongue to slap the floor hard. "WE GOT LADY FI IN THE HOUSE!"

Lucina lit a gas lantern and held it up, illuminating the other end of the room. She was joined by Pit, who was wearing a fedora. The angel laid Lady Fi down onto the makeshift surgical table on the lower level.

"Guys… I don't know you… but-"

"Hey, Armpit!" exclaimed Little Mac.

"I know you, buddy!" Captain Falcon added. "Oh, wait. We should be sad. Yeah, uh, no easy way to say this, but your mistress-"

"The Goddess Formerl- I mean, Palutena's alive!"

"FUCK YEAH!" Little Mac and Captain Falcon screamed in unison, and then high-fived.

"But listen up!" Pit continued to the growing crowd. "According to Dark Pit, we're all gonna be dead very soon unless we can get Lady Fi operational again. All you smart-ass sciencey guys, please… we need your help!"

"M'boy, Mother CAST's emergent programming is far beyond our capability to influence," said Dr. Light.

"Then who can help us?" cried Pit. "Is there anyone in this whole wide universe?"

Adeleine titled her beret forward and lit up a cigarette from the other end of the room. "Nintendo has one programmer whose exploits are the stuff of legend… one who can bend the laws of the universe in his pursuit of code perfection. And his name is Satoru Iwata."

"His name is Satoru Iwata," continued Vyse and Klonoa, starting a somber group chanting session.

"His name is Satoru Iwata," the Doctors all chanted in unison.

"His name is Satoru Iwata," added Crash, Davy, Midna and Ghirahim.

"Whoa, whoa! Enough with the creepy chanting in the dark!" exclaimed Pit, who was already beyond his daily stress limits. "Just… someone! Anyone! How do we get Lady Fi to this Iwata guy?"

"There's one way I can think of," said Dr. Eggman. "And that's through the source code in the center of the Moon. Come on outside, guys. We're takin' a trip to the Scrap Brain Zone, or at least what's left of it."

* * *

**IX. Shout at the Devil**

"The rolls, they shall be called!" Takamaru yelled over the rabble of over two hundred Smash hopefuls standing at attention on the platform. "Lineth thou up in columns so that thy names may be tallied!"

But aside from Frog, who understood Takamaru's speech perfectly, the various CAST members murmuring and rubbing elbows paid no heed to the ancient Nintendo character.

"Dude-bro-man-dog, let me show you what leadershit all is about," said King K. Rool, who patted the samurai on the shoulder and took the megaphone.

"LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! ATTEN-SHUN!"

But he got no respect either. Chrono sold Black Mage a small plastic baggie of ecstasy in exchange for some Gysahl Greens while the Wonderful Ones cheered on Mach-Rider, Marle, and Dixie Kong as they raced to see who could snort a thirty-foot line of cocaine faster.

"DON'T MAKE ME WHIP OUT MY JOHNSON!" the Kremling King kried. "I have a severe bladder dysfunction and I'm not afraid to use it!"

The disrespect continued as Spyro the Dragon tossed a cigarette butt at his feet. "Shut the fuck up, man. Nobody on this platform needs to hear about your piss problems."

King K. Rool's ears erupted with steam. He was already fuming at his boy Bowser having been chained up and kept in a hold. "What makes you think you can fuckin' talk to me like that, Puff the Magic Has-Been?"

"Shit, I don't owe nothing to an old fossil like you," Spyro scoffed. He picked his nose and flicked the booger at K. Rool. Though Starfy leapt in and ate the booger, the Kremling had taken the insult to heart. He waddled over to Spyro, rolled the dragon onto his back, and sat on his face.

Spyro struggled and twitched, but it was no use. King K. Rool cackled maniacally as he shat into the plucky purple dragon's mouth.

"MMMmmmmmmpppphhhh!" cried Spyro, tears erupting from his eyes as his mouth overflowed with unspeakably half-digested material.

From the office chair where he was tied up with E. Gadd's psychic helmet over his head, Lucas turned away from the gut-wrenching scene, but could not block out the sickening smell.

"OK, this has gone far enough," said Professor E. Gadd. The recently reborn mad scientist was sitting atop Ridley's back as the _other _purple dinosaur flew above the crowd. He peeled off remnants of the fluid from the CAST pods that were sticking to his bald head. "Ya kids should be savin' yer energy fer the Smashers, fer cryin' out loud. If ya really want to torture someone, there's always this guy."

He pointed to Solid Snake, who was chained to two Tesla coils and was currently under assault by Paper Mario, Geno, and Mallow.

"You must think you're real tough," Snake told Paper Mario after spitting out a chunk of blood. "It ain't easy beating up a man who's tied up."

"I can beat a-you off any day!" Paper Mario exclaimed.

Geno and Mallow giggled until they ROFFLED onto the floor.

"Can't breathe!" Mallow laughed. "Oh man, that's rich!"

Paper Mario punched Snake in the gut again. "What's a-so funny? I'll beat a-you all off, right now!"

"Pardon, papier mache," Wonder-Green interjected. "Can I be next? I haven't been beaten off since Pink got carpal tunnel."

"I can only pleasure so many cocks in a day," said Wonder-Pink, who proceeded to whip Snake furiously. "Get off my case!"

"Only if it means we can get off into your mouth instead," joked Wonder-Blue.

E. Gadd facepalmed. "This is getting us nowhere! Takamaru, how's that head count comin' along?"

The samurai, who was standing on a tiny platform above the main one, checked his tally. "We're missing two of our Generals, it seems. Agent Boxers and Agent Moe."

"Goddamn deserters," said E. Gadd.

"I don't blame 'em," sneered Spyro, who had recently spat out the mounds of shit that were filling his cheeks. "This has been a _shit _job from the beginning!"

"Yeah!" a few voices shouted in agreement, among them the Red Mage, who was currently getting a lap dance from Marle.

Just then, a blinding light emanated above the platform. From it emerged a Rayquaza, and riding atop its back, none other than a Mii Swordfighter of Satoru Iwata greeted them with his smiling face.

Mr. Iwata took aim at Spyro. Rayquaza shot the dragon with an Ice Beam and froze him in place.

"Desertion is not tolerated. Snarky comebacks go against company policy."

To the terror of the entire army, Rayquaza followed up with a Dragon Claw to slice the naysayer in half.

"Harro prease," said Mr. Iwata. "Wii would like to play. Our enemy is less than a minute away. Anyone else thinking about deserting?"

"SIR!" exclaimed a voice from the back of the crowd.

Mr. Iwata bended over to see little red Lloyd waving his hand around.

"Sir, I have urgent news for you! I just saw-"

But Rayquaza's Overheat toasted the dual-wielding swordsman, who flailed about and finally jumped off the platform to his doom.

Teary-eyed, Colette Brunel cried out for him. "Lloyd! Lloyd, NOOOO!"

Just to show that he was really a very not-so-nice Chaotic Evil type of guy, Iwata had Rayquaza toast her, too.

"All right, now _ANYONE ELSE _want to defect?"

By now, the platform started smelling of the small army's collective urine streaking down their knocking knees in fear.

* * *

As Zelda emerged onto the bridge, she became aware of a major debate going on.

"Show me the heat signature again!" Link called from the dashboard after leaving his periscope.

A readout of an approaching trio showed up on the big holo-screen. Three grown men were riding a small _Fantasy Zone _spacecraft. One was a Mii Gunner, and the other two were swordsmen.

Zelda studied the silhouettes. _One of those swordsmen… he's very familiar._

Bowser Junior was trigger-happy. "They're armed! Let's shoot first an' ask questions later!"

"Wait! They may look like foes," said Ike. "But let's try hailing them first."

"They're not responding! Shoot 'em!" yelled Bowser Junior.

The mostly-regenerated Ganon slapped the back of his hand against his other palm, creating a loud 'smack!' sound. "Think, man! Their radio could be down!"

"It doesn't matter. They're very close. If they were friendly, they would have found some way to hail us by now," Sky Admiral Link said with some finality. "Let's take 'em down with one shot. All right, Diddy. Position that Bill Blaster. Take aim… ready… and…"

"WAIT!" yelled Zelda. "I saw him!"

Every head in the room turned to the princess.

"You saw _who_?" Peach asked.

"The guy with the weirdly shaped sword. He was in my vision. Sitting with us by the campfire before our memories were wiped."

"Before?" Link queried.

"It's a long story, honey. But I have to tell you guys – there is _hope_. We need to get Lady Fi… Mother CAST… and fix up her glitching. It's the only way."

After going up to the periscope, Rosalina squinted, attempting to see through the green-tinted cockpit.

"Wait! That's… it's _HIM!_" she exclaimed.

The crew dashed outside, onto the deck, to greet the descending ship.

The cockpit opened, and from the ensuing steam emerged none other than three figures.

One adjusted his sunglasses and cracked his neck, then drew forth a customized beam sword.

"Name's Travis Touchdown. I come in peace. Take me to your moe girls."

A white-haired swordsman wearing a cool-looking futuristic red-and-black outfit whipped out his rather oversized Monado Blade, stuck it into the deck of the airship, and leaned on it. He winked at Princess Peach and tossed her a rose.

"'Ello, guv'na. I'm Shulk. Perhaps you could teach me to tango sometime, princess."

The last person to emerge from the spacecraft was also the most mysterious. Despite being a Mii, his very aura sent shivers down the spines of every Smasher on the deck. Many of them fell on bended knee, extremely touched by just the sight of their Creator.

"Greetings, Smashers," said the Mii of Shigeru Miyamoto (now called 'Miiyamoto'). "I bring you tidings of anime-styled badasses. And everything looks so bright and vivid. Man. It's just so beautiful here. Now get up, stand up! You gotta fight for your right to party!"

"YEAH!" the collective exclaimed, and leapt into the air.

"Seriously, though. We can party later," said Mr. Miyamoto. "Right now I have come to you at the turn of the tide. Like Gandalf. We've got just one shot at this. Ooooone shot. Or whoooooosh. The plan is… the plan is… maaaaan… is it just me, or is that Luma, like, changing into colors that don't even exist?"

Mr. Miyamoto grabbed the Luma hovering in front of Rosalina and stared at it as if it were made of diamond.

"GUYS! GUYS, FOR REAL, ARE YOU SEEING THIS?"

"This… is my Creator?" Link queried.

Shulk scratched the back of his head. "Ah, yeah. Tha's right. Your pappy here, he, uh, dropped some shrooms, by the way."

"Why on Earth would he ingest drugs at a time like this?" Zelda bellowed.

"Because we need his powers running at full capacity," said Travis Touchdown, who deftly inspected Zelda's posterior. "My, you're a classy princess, aren't ya? Have you got a younger sister hiding anywhere?"

The princess ignored him and closed her eyes.

_If these are our reinforcements… it's going to be a hell of a hard-fought battle._

* * *

**A/N:** OMG Thank you so so so much for reading through all that! :D Seriously, reader, I really, really appreciate it. What do you think will happen next?! As always, feel free to let me know any opinions, comments, questions, concerns, criticisms, inconsistencies, etc.! Reviews, faves, and subs keep me going! ^^ Hope to have the next chapter ready sooner than this one!


	26. Break On Through (To The Other Side)

**A/N:** Hoo boy, this chapter took a while! Apologies for making y'all wait so long! Despite typing on an ergonomic keyboard, my wrists and shoulders have been acting up, and IRL work is getting harder, to the point where I may have to take a break from writing after the season finale just to get my life in order and to keep from getting carpal tunnel syndrome. :(

This chapter is not quite the conclusion of this arc, but it's getting there. Believe it or not, it's even longer than the last one, and even more chaotic and eventful… I seriously debated splitting this into two chapters, but it's so hectic that there was just nowhere to break in the middle. Please let me know if there are any inconsistencies or errors! With my track record it's highly possible I missed something big. ^^;;

The next update will be the Season Finale, and it should drop next week if all goes well.

Oh, and Hyrule Warriors is flipping incredible. I was going to save up some money for _Theatrhythm: Curtain Call _and some Amiibos but how the hell could I resist? Long story short: this game just plain rocks. It's the best _Musou/Warriors _game I've ever played, since it has a layer of polish unseen in the genre and is packed with little touches like fan-service, and great boss characters. Reviewers complaining about boring or confusing combat probably ran through the whole campaign as fast as possible on Normal/Easy mode or just straight up hate fun.

**CORRECTIONS: **Fixed a bunch of minor errors. (10/1/2014, 2:26 PM PST)**  
**

**GlassHouseFalcon:** Thanks for your review! Actually, I thought that Shulk was closer to a Brit (mostly because his VA is British). But there will be a few chapters before he's involved in anything perverted. ;)

**Meowkerz:** Wow, thank you so much for your kind comments! Glad you enjoyed the Robin x Robyn! I have had some fun ideas bouncing around for their roles going forward in the story. As much as I'd love to publish this, I'm pretty sure Nintendo would sic their lawyers on me, lol. XD I don't actually have a set length for this fic, but I do have a big treasure trove of ideas that I've only just begun to explore. This could be the halfway point, or it could be the end of the first third. And I do think that less updates will likely be the future of this fic. I've devoted a ton of time towards it and it's been a fantastic writing experience, but sadly, I have bills to pay.

**sippurp123: **Thanks as always for the review! Yup, the difficult part has only begun. Action-wise, things get really heated in this chapter. As much as I'm rooting for their happy ending as well, Link and Zelda's relationship wouldn't be as interesting without a little drama – their relationship and lemons are going to definitely play a significant part going forward. ^^

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

**Break on Through (To The Other Side)**

**I. Fistful of Steel**

On the planet's surface, Mewtwo was asleep in bed with his Gardevoir lady-friend when he sensed a great psychic disturbance.

_What the devil… _he thought, and then flew over to his balcony. He parted the shades, opened the sliding door, and stepped outside.

_Something's up on the Moon, _he realized. _Well, fuck._

The Pokemon kissed Gardevoir good night and performed some morning stretching exercises. He then zoomed straight up towards the glowing sphere.

Surrounded by a ball of energy protecting his body, Mewtwo broke straight through the sound barrier.

* * *

As the others watched Satoru Iwata toast Lloyd and Colette, Agent Copper got a new set of orders in her earpiece from Mr. Sakurai, who had vacated his station to contact Mr. Miyamoto and was currently dealing with some expected server issues resulting from Lady Fi's incapacitation.

"All right, Impa, looks like the jig's up. Have the two Hands retreat to the Glovebox Folder."

"Understood, sir," said Impa.

But just as she prepared to give the orders on the tablet, Mr. Iwata snatched it out of her hands.

"What's this?" the Mii of Nintendo's CEO asked. "An app to give direct orders to our most powerful assets? Ah. How convenient. I'll take over from here, Impa."

_Shit! _Impa thought. _What do I do?_

She was just about to steal the tablet back from Mr. Iwata and make a run for it when Mr. Sakurai's voice came in through her earpiece once more.

"Don't try it, Impa. Stay alive for now."

Mr. Sakurai's digital assistant simply stood by as Mr. Iwata re-mounted Rayquaza and took stock of his new toys.

"Interesting that Mr. Sakurai would put _you _in charge of his babies," Iwata mentioned with a suspicious glance at Impa. "Where is that man, by the way? I was hoping to find him here."

"Ah… he mentioned something about a batch of late-night curry not agreeing with his stomach."

"Typical. Let's see…" Mr. Iwata said with a grin. "What manner of destruction should I attempt first?"

* * *

Mr. Game and Watch led Kyogre, Lugia, and Charizard into a dive bomb over Crazy Hand. He rang his bell multiple times as a warning to Olimar and his Pikmin to get out of the way.

"Wait for it…" Olimar commanded the little plant-like dudes, who were still attacking the giant glove as a swarming collective.

Lugia charged its Aeroblast attack, while Charizard was preparing a Flare Blitz. Skarmory, Aerodactyl and Zapdos were not too far behind.

"NOW!" Olimar screamed, and his Pikmin all formed up into a group and took a leap of faith into dead space moments before the incoming attacks plastered the already weakened Crazy Hand.

Mr. Game and Watch steered Kyogre close enough for the chain of Pikmin to latch onto the legendary Pokemon's arms.

"BEEP! BEEP! RIIIIING!" (What's a spaceman doing without his ship?) exclaimed GW.

Olimar gathered up his horde of Pikmin with his whistle. His digital translator transcribed GW's words.

"It got fried, like so many bacon strips. Not to mention it lacked atmosphere. Man, do I owe ya one! I was getting motion sickness from those giant fingers!"

"BRRRIIIIIING!" (That's what she said!)

As they flew away, Skarmory and Zapdos were able to dodge Crazy Hand's spastic tantrum.

Crazy Hand tossed a flaming ball of fire up into the air and split it apart by crushing it. The fallout rained down on the Pokemon like meteors, hitting but not stunning both as they closed the distance.

The Pokemon assaulted the gloved one with well-timed Steel Wing and Thunder attacks. With an ethereal screaming, the Hand flopped around in a fit of dark rage, stunned. Lugia continued to plaster it with Psychic and Aeroblast.

Not too far from this, Master Hand's health was dropping, thanks to Falco's newly acquired Hyper Lasers, a Supply Box gift from the _OG Great Fox_.

"Guys… some weird stuff's spilling out of Master Hand… and I don't think it's Master Semen," he called on the comm. "Samus, where you at?"

"We're workin' on repairs!" Kirby replied from Samus' pilot seat as the bounty hunter was deep in elbow grease, on her back working on replacing frayed wires in her engine, a result of massive hull damaga.

"Comin' for ya, Falco!" called Olimar from his radio. "FUCK! Four o'clock!"

The opened palm of Master Hand whooshed by and would have slapped Falco's Arwing into last week if he hadn't somersaulted just in time.

"Watch it!" Falco yelled to GW and Olimar as the newly recovered Crazy Hand attempted to grab Kyogre.

It would have worked, too, if Lugia hadn't flapped its mighty wings and pushed Kyogre out of the way.

As everyone had to suddenly dodge Master Hand's rocketing five-finger death punch, Crazy Hand tore a hole in inter-dimensional space, sucking Lugia into a dark swirling vortex.

Falco was horrified. "In what universe is that kinda tactic acceptable?!"

But oh no, that wasn't all. The Hand then bounced a ball of radioactive energy off of Zapdos, and then slammed him with a pillar of concentrated light. The Legendary Bird's retaliating Zap Cannon missed both Hands, but Aerodactyl's Hyper Beam hit Crazy Hand straight-on.

"We're killin' him!" yelled Olimar in frenzied excitement as Charizard landed another Flare Blitz.

But Crazy Hand had another trick up its non-existent sleeve. It tossed another concentrated energy ball into the air, made a fist, and slammed down onto it, sending the spherical mass into the recovering Aerodactyl. Skarmory flew in for the assist, but the Steel Pokemon was not fast enough to save its friend from Master Hand's deadly poke attack.

"GWAAAARRRR!" Aerodactyl cried as it shattered into pebbles.

"EVERYONE BAIL!" Falco exclaimed. The Pokemon retreated and Lombardi made his final approach towards Master Hand, dodging Crazy's charged-up finger bullets.

"Hold still and let me shoot you!"

The bird exhaled as he fired the Smart Bomb. It hit Master Hand right in the palm and exploded both five-fingered menaces into oblivion.

Or so it appeared at first.

Mr. Game and Watch wiped the pixilated sweat from his brow. "Beep-boop." (Fuck, that was intense.)

"We're not home free yet!" said Falco as a flood of black pixels emanated from the remains of Master Hand. Twin double helixes of the shadowy blocks formed into a monstrous humanoid beast that roared at them in some demonic, otherworldly voice that resounded from behind its glowing purple face.

"What have we done?" cried Samus.

A rather large horizontal slash came out of nowhere and smacked the group of Pokemon with a delayed response.

Olimar and Game and Watch became untethered from Kyogre and were now floating in dead space. They were sitting ducks for whatever the shadow creature had in mind for them.

_Oh, shit_, thought Olimar as the pixilated monstrosity tore open another inter-dimensonal hole.

He waved goodbye to his remaining Pikmin, most of which were riding various Pokemon, and turned to Game and Watch, who was floating alongside him.

"It was an honor, old-timer," said the Captain.

"Beep." (Likewise.)

Falco yelled into his comm. "Olimar! GW! Hang on! I'm on my way!"

"It's too late, Falco. Do me a favor, take all the cash people owe me and donate it to-"

_POP!_

The portal snapped shut like an old-fashioned coin purse. Olimar and GW were sucked away, drawn into the ether.

Samus slammed her fists against the dashboard. "GW! Ollie!"

"Goddamn it!" Falco screamed.

"GWARRRR!" (GET AWAY!) Charizard yelled after being knocked away by a large purple energy shockwave coming from the overpowered asshole.

Kyogre and the other Pokemon retreated from the beast now giving them full chase.

* * *

"AHHHH!" Sheik screamed from atop Samus' gunship as a blinding laser blast cut her arm off and shaved off a good portion of the right side of her torso, puncturing a lung.

Only seconds later, Samus left her repair station and took the lift up to the roof to help her blood-splattered friend.

The damage was pretty bad: not only had the giant laser toasted the old satellite they were hiding behind, exposing them to the last Space Pirate Frigate from the initial wave of enemies. The massive Frigate was now the only thing between them and the approaching army of thousands.

"I was a fool to think we were safe enough for me to save my spells…" Sheik groaned.

"No time for regrets! We need to beat a retreat, or we're dead meat!" Samus cried, now clad in her Varia Suit after having summoned it forth, so that she could use her visor to see through the fog of blood.

As Sheik faltered, unable to cast Nayru's Love since her entire right torso was regenerating, Samus used her Shield to block their lasers, and her Ice Beam to freeze any incoming missiles.

"Kirby, get us out of here!" she cried as the engines experienced a stuttered start-up.

Though the gunship was only running at eighty percent capacity, the puffball barreled it perfectly in between two large pieces of debris.

"This ain't the kind of ship I'm used to flying!" Kirby said, rather terrified as he barely dodged another laser barrage.

"SUPER SONIC STYLE!" a voice from the distance yelled.

From atop her gunship, Samus spotted Sonic activating the seven Emeralds, then dashing through the Space Pirate Frigate multiple times. It exploded dramatically as the golden blur joined Shadow's airship in eliminating the remaining escape pods and unmanned fighters from the first wave.

"Once again, I'm in your debt," said Samus as the hedgehog's transformation ran out of juice. He returned on Samus' hoverboard with seven missiles in hand.

"All in a day's work, princess. Just hope these missiles work."

"If they're from a Space Pirate ship, they should be pretty standard," said Samus.

"As for healing items, this is all I could salvage," said Sonic, and offered Sheik a Maxim Tomato.

"Thanks, guy," Sheik replied, and hugged him.

"Don't thank me yet."

The trio descended into the gunship and Sheik took stock of their remaining magic bottles.

"It's not looking good," she said. "I've only got one left."

"Then let's save it for when it counts," Samus replied. "Any news from the enemy transmissions, Krystal?"

The vixen opened her eyes, disengaging her searching abilities. "They're going to parlay with the Smashers aboard Bowser's Airship. I was able to get in contact with Impa. She's afraid negotiations will go sour; with Mr. Sakurai tied up with the servers, Mr. Iwata is in charge of the army now. The weirdest thing is, for some inexplicable reason, Mr. Miyamoto has joined you guys."

"Misters _Who_?" asked Samus.

"IMPA?" Sheik exclaimed. "You mean she's one of _them_?"

"Oh, yeaaaaah, you'd know her from your backstory implants, wouldn't you?" shrugged Krystal. "She's the boss' right-hand woman, actually."

"Does that mean she jerks him off?" Kirby asked as Sheik and Sonic helped load Samus' missiles into standby positions.

"Samus, come in!" Falco called over the comm. "What's your position?"

"Aran here," she replied. "We have just refueled and are bearing towards Bowser's Airship, over."

"Fall back!" cried Falco. "We're being chased by an enemy with unknown properties!"

Just then, Samus saw what was after them from her own cockpit glass. It was a very dark mass of endless pixels, and it was shifting forms and chasing them all down at an alarming speed.

"Great," she said.

"What else is new?" quipped Kirby, who turned on the Nitrous thrusters. "Jesus take the wheel!"

Samus stepped up to the controls. "Don't know about you guys, but I'm not waiting for a second coming!"

The gunship jetted away from the advancing monster, but the large black humanoid shape was catching up quickly.

Pulsating energy chakrams shot at the gunship, one by one; Samus nimbly weaved through them.

"Dip! Duck! Dive! Dodge!" Sonic yelled as the black colossus went for another melee swipe, and then attempted to slam its head onto the gunship.

Samus fired two missiles at the beast, which absorbed them into a cavernous hole that split open within its head.

"Impossible!" Samus muttered, though she reflected that that word should have lost all meaning to her by this point.

Falco peppered the boss' backside with his Hyper Lasers, finishing off with another Smart Bomb.

The pixilated beast's head glowed like an iPhone 6 in a microwave. After it developed a pulsing mass on its forehead, it attempted to slam down onto the Arwing. Falco waited to the last second to dodge, in order to prevent the creature from shifting targets.

Yet after the initial hit, floating bubbles surrounded Falco's flight path and exploded into crosses like mini X-Bombs, nearly taking him and Samus' approaching gunship down in one surprise attack.

"Hull damage critical!" cried Kirby.

"Oh man, I'm gonna have to back off!" announced Falco as he ejected from his Arwing, which was near exploding.

The Arwing would have smashed into the dark creature, but a gaping hole opened in space-time and swallowed it.

"What WAS that?" Falco asked after firing an emergency flare, but no one else had seen the portal.

Skarmory picked the ace pilot up and bore him out of the line of fire – the nameless beast had once again sent out its spinning energy chakrams, aiming for Samus' ship.

While Samus was busy trying to avoid the spiraling vortices, the shadowy mass then lashed out with two additional hands, which spun around its body, palms glowing with fire.

One of these hands grabbed Samus' gunship and drew it through the dark figure's body before spitting the ship out and sending it flying wildly.

Needless to say, from all the rattling, the gunship was nearly torn inside out. A loose piece of Space Pirate Frigate debris pierced the hull and impaled Krystal's leg.

"AHHHH!" the vixen cried.

Just then a volley of machine gun fire stunned the advancing shapeshifter.

Metal Gear Ray dashed straight into the bulbous mass and knocked it aside with an interstellar dash attack, dealing a powerful blow.

As the bipedal weapon went around for another pass, Toon Link leapt off the back of the hull, activated his Final Smash, and sliced and diced the metamorphosed beast before being smashed away right after dealing the finishing blow (apparently this thing was immune to hit-stun). He 'Vector-Influenced' his flight path back towards the Metal Gear as Luigi pulled it into a U-turn.

"Time for the ol' Samus Shuffle," Samus said. She spun her gunship 180 degrees and simultaneously angled the jets so that she was flying away from the approaching shadow mass whilst facing it. She had her gunship infuse her newly acquired missiles with additional lightning damage.

"Come get some!" she belted, simultaneously firing her energy blasts and supercharged missiles.

The missiles at least slowed the thing down enough for Toon Link to safely land his hookshot onto the Metal Gear, and for Samus to whip the gunship around and boost away.

Even after that intense display of might, the shadow creature continued its assault, now chasing Metal Gear Ray. It was so fast even the Pokemon struggled to catch up.

"Maybe we shouldn't have underestimated this guy," said Luigi as the Ray suffered serious damage from the shadow beast's energy blasts.

* * *

**II. Wake Up**

As Mario drank down the last remaining drops of Bowser's Fireball Whisky, he squinted while inspecting a framed photograph of himself, Peach, Luigi, and Wario at the mercy of Bowser and Bowser Jr.'s inane mini-games. Just then, Diddy Kong walked in on the mini-bar.

Upon seeing that there was nothing left to drink, his eye twitched. He flipped the hell out, which had the effect of freaking out Mario.

"Hey, a-Diddy, there's a-no need for the-at-a-rics. It's not a-the end of the world-"

The primate would not be satiated. He grabbed Mario and dragged him over to the nearby steam sauna, where Pac-Man was currently chillin' out, maxing, and relaxing all cool, having been temporarily turned into a really laid-back fella.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat's coooookin', homeboys? Haaaaah, get it? Maaaaan, Bowser knows his stuff."

"Uwaaah!" Diddy exclaimed amongst other chimp-like sounds as he grabbed the entire water bucket, tossed out the ladle, and poured its seven-gallon contents over the hot rocks above the fully-stocked wood furnace, prompting a flood of steam.

"WHOAAAAAA!" Puck said as his pupils expanded. Decades of digital chemicals latent within his being from excessive drug usage flooded his pores, creating a miasma of toxic fumes in the room.

Mario's head was spinning like a top; he tried to leave but Diddy forced him to sit.

"What are a-you doing, silly monkey?"

Diddy brought out the emptied whisky bottle and smashed it on the floor. "Kwwwwaaaaahhh!"

"Haven't practiced my Kong language in a while, but I do believe he's tryin' to make you sweat out all your alcohol as a way of getting revenge on you for finishing Bowser's last bottle," Pac-Man pointed out. "He says he wrote his name on it with a Sharpie and everything. That was a dick move, bro."

"That's a-ridiculous!" Mario said with a laugh, woozy enough to be near passing out. As the last bits of alcohol in his system flushed out from his pores, he began experiencing trancelike visions of the past, unlocking the memories that even the strongest suppression software could not withhold. "It's… it's a-too much…"

Diddy Kong laughed as Mario collapsed onto the floor in a ball of sweat. He then picked up the plumber, carried him out of the room, and tossed him in the ice-cold pool.

"Hey, uh, pretty sure you're supposed to shower before goin' in the cold pool!" Puck informed him, but it was too late.

Mario's brain matter warbled with the sudden sharp change in body temperature. Time slowed to a crawl. He tried to will his motor functions to work properly, but all that he could see in his mind's eye was that framed picture Bowser had at the mini-bar.

The Koopa King sat on a throne as the four combatants had to out-perform themselves so as to not get fried to a pulp.

_I remember now. These a-were the 'Mario Parties'_, he reflected. _But they're a-fake, empty affairs… designed a-by the company to squeeze money out of a-the filthy casuals and ruin friendships world-a-wide. _

_If only the fans knew they were nothing like a-my actual parties._

**2002**

From the outside, Delfino Plaza appeared to be a perfectly quaint and uneventful paradise town. And for the most part, it was. But when night fell whenever Mario was in residence, the resort/tourist hub turned into the biggest celebrity hangout and general party place in all of Nintendo's servers.

Out on the dance floor, the mostly elite guests, including _Super Mario Sunshine's_ on-set cutscene film crew members – Piantas, Toads, Piranha Plants, Koopas, Yoshis, and others – were all gyrating and rocking to Peter Piranha's playlist and drinking from the open bar.

Meanwhile, in his VIP room, Mario "Jumpman" Mario was balls-deep into Princess Peach's asshole, while the princess was sucking off Bowser, who was currently draining a beer bong being held aloft by a bowtied Boo butler.

"Take it, Peachie!" Mario cheered, slapping her ass cheeks as he bottomed-out his perfectly average-sized five-inch penis inside of her colon.

"Yeah, baby!" Peach exclaimed, giving her throat a break from the King Koopa's penis and using her wrists to bring him to climax.

Bowser tilted Peach's chin so that she was looking up at him when he came all over her face. Her smile told him all he needed to hear.

"Thanks, princess," said Bowser. "Now let me return the favor."

"Hold up, a-King Bowser," Mario said. "Let's a-switch positions."

And so the plumber pulled out, had a female maid disinfect his cock and wipe it clean, and then repositioned Peach, having her sit atop a billiards table and spread her legs wide. Bowser bent over and gently began lapping up the pearly come coating her neatly trimmed pubic hair, while Mario started to fluff himself after downing the remains of a bottle of Grey Goose.

"Anythin' I can get for you?" asked a passing Koopa butler, who was carrying a tray of drugs.

"I'll have another Valium," she said with a smile.

While Bowser continued to lick Peach's slit, the Koopa gave her a drink of water and slipped the pill into her mouth, which she promptly swallowed.

"Wow, that's wild!" exclaimed Peach, who was rather enjoying the burning sensation down under.

After returning from his drink, Mario stood atop the table and allowed the princess to take his manhood into her wet and waiting mouth.

"It's amazing you never get whisky-dick, _paisano_," observed Luigi, who was pounding Pauline while Toadette was expertly fingering both of their assholes. As this was relevant to their interests, Toad and Toadsworth watched on, masturbating furiously in between lines of cocaine.

"There ain't a-no one in-a this universe that has a-my stamina!" Mario replied.

"Got that right!" Pauline said in between moans. "No offense, Luigi."

The younger Mario brother just shrugged his shoulders and subtly cranked up his fucking rhythm, pouring his anger into his typically artful sex; he was used to this kind of treatment.

Meanwhile, Wario was getting a lap dance from a female Pianta. The rather obese man was being rather feisty, groping the Isle Delfino denizen's derriere.

Waluigi's gigantic nose snorted a small mountain of cocaine off of Wendy Koopa's shell. He then opened a lower hatch in the underside of her shell and began rubbing his long, thin penis against her dry slit.

"Why won't ya kiss me down there like a princess?" Wendy asked the tall _Mario Tennis _player.

To which Waluigi shoved some coke straight up her nose and kissed her deeply. "Why won't ya shut the fuck up and know a-your place? Do you a-wanna work at my strip joint or not?!"

"Psssssh," she replied. "It's not as if you're spoiled for choice. Not sure when last you looked around, but there ain't exactly a smattering of womenfolk in the Mushroom Kingdom."

Wendy pointed across the way to where the transsexual Birdo was taking all of her brothers at the same time.

"Point a-taken," said Waluigi, who then slapped her in the face. "That's for bein' cheeky. You mah ho now."

"Chauvinist pig," Wendy muttered under her breath.

As Mario stood with his hands guiding Peach's head onto his dick and surveyed the fruits of his and the Nintendo developers' labor, he beamed in pride. When Toadsworth overdosed on heroin earlier and went into cardiac arrest before dying again (only to return from a Private Teleporter), the plumber barely batted an eyelash. Even Yoshi standing behind Daisy and sticking his tongue so far up her bunghole it tickled the insides of her tummy did not faze him.

But somehow, the mind-fucked, 'cannot-unsee' expression on Nana's and Popo's faces as they entered the room carrying large clubs was enough to make him question everything.

"W-w-weren't we supposed to be clubbing? Where are all the baby seals?" Nana asked, a rather traumatized look on her face.

"Sugar, this is the type of clubbing where all you need is your bad self, just as the Developers never intended… in your un-birthday suits," said Toadofsky, who was between Bombette's legs.

"Come play with us," Bombette said in between giggles.

_What the fuck are we doing? _Mario thought as he witnessed the two Ice Climbers, always such a sweet and innocent couple, drawn into their drug-fueled orgy.

_All I wanted was to show some of the Melee veterans a good time. No! Stop making excuses for yourself, Mario!_

This was the first night Popo tried weed. He'd been an addict ever since.

_We're characters from a-children's games. How can we positively influence the younger a-generation if deep down we're just debauched sex a-fiends?_

But that moment of realization soon passed. Mario lost himself in Peach's mouth as her tongue expertly coiled around his member. Her hot breath called out to him.

"Honey? Honey, come for me," she begged. There were others waiting in line.

As Mario's steaming jism shot down his longtime girlfriend's throat, the guilt returned to him, if only for a fleeting moment.

_The feeling didn't last long. But I'm a-pretty sure I learned that day that once a-the truth or something approaching it is incepted into your a-thought process, it a-never goes away._

Even after recovering from his hangover the next day and joining Peach for some golf, Mario couldn't shake the negative thoughts about his lifestyle. But rather than doing anything to better himself, he just sank deeper into his drinking.

_I'll take a-my virtual body to the edge._ _That's what I told a-myself. Then and only then will I be ready to give it up._

Despite his best efforts at the time, he never did give it up. Like so many unfortunate junkies, adrenaline or otherwise, Mario discovered that the more he pushed the edge of his limits, the further away they seemed to be.

Before long, he woke up vomiting, only to replenish his lost fluids with another bottle or two of Jack Daniels or Jose Cuervo. For brunch, he'd indulge in a vodka tonic. Bacardi Rum was what was for dinner, unless he felt like an entire twelve-pack of Coronas. After long days at work, the occasional keg of Guinness suited him just fine.

After the essentially paid vacation that was _Super Mario Sunshine, _it was back to the spin-off games.

At work, Mario was still functional. He'd stick to his flask during normal hours, put on his mask, and fake his trademark smile as he pretended to enjoy navigating tricky platforming sections, jumping from place to place, and dying constantly.

But once the plumber made it back to his suite and the lights went down, he situated himself on his recliner, turned on the tube, and drank himself into a stupor.

**2005**

"I'm worried," Luigi told him. "You're barely functional. We almost never a-see you anymore, and when a-we do, you're all a-sauced up."

Mario frowned. "No offense, _paisano_. I don't a-see how it's a-your business."

"It's a-my business because I love a-you. Peach is a-concerned, too."

"If she's got a-problem with a-me, let her talk a-to me about it, then!"

"Very well."

And so it was: the very next day, Mario found himself in the midst of an intervention. In the midst of watching "Viva Las Vegas", Luigi entered his room with a huge contingent ready to lend support.

Seated on every side of him were his friends, co-workers, and enemies, from within the Mushroom Kingdom and without.

Peach held his hand tightly. "Baby, this isn't right. It isn't fun watching you hurt yourself like this."

"Tell a-me, how is it bad to be enjoying a-myself? I have a-no risk for liver damage."

"It's bad because you end up saying and doing hurtful things, and disrupting everyone's lives," said Link. "If I was screaming bloody murder at three in the morning every night, someone's gonna lose some sleep over it. If I was peeing in people's iced tea when no one was looking and pretending like I didn't know what was up…"

"But drinking and pranking's a-the only way I know how to deal with a-the pain."

"Then we'll find another way," said Peach, but as she looked around the room for support, Bowser caught her glance.

"That's not what he needs," Bowser said. "What he needs is for us to end the source of the pain."

Peach cradled Mario's chin, bringing his eyes up from looking down at the patterned floor and making Tetris shapes in his mind, another mental escape avenue for him.

"Honey… we need to know. What is it that's the cause of your depression?"

"The time to talk about a-this is now. We're all a-here for you," Luigi added.

_I never wanted to look like a coward. I always thought that if I was strong-faced, and able to escape from all my frustrations and anger, then when would I ever need to change? Mamma Mia! I was so a-stupid to think I could deal with all of a-this without a little help from a-my friends._

_At least I was able to own up to my shortcomings in the end._

"I don't a-want to make video games anymore. Not a-like this! Not with all of a-the pain of beta testing, and the pressure, and the dead-a-lines! I don't want a-to go on like a-this!"

He broke down in Peach's arms in a mess of tears.

"I'll never touch a-the bottle again!"

The Mushroom Kingdom denizens and his friends from other worlds all took turns hugging the plumber.

Of course, as more recent history has shown, his quitting didn't work out too well. Within a fortnight, Mario was back to his old habits, drinking until he blacked out, and then waking up in the middle of the night and causing a whole lot of chaos until he passed out hunched over his toilet bowl at sunrise only to repeat the cycle.

And so Peach, Luigi, and Bowser did the only thing that was left for them to do: they dragged Mario over to Mother CAST.

They entered her chamber in the central server, where the maiden was sitting cross-legged, her mind remotely plugged into the system. Behind her, a grid of over a hundred televisions displayed live feeds of many of Nintendo's most important assets.

Bowser, who was holding Mario in his hands, let him down and sat him before Lady Fi.

"Lady Fi… something must be done," explained Princess Peach. "Mario is in a lot of pain. He can't go on working like this."

Fi tilted her head to one side. "I can do nothing."

"There's gotta be something! Keep him from feelin' the pain!" Bowser yelled. "Just take a look at him!"

And so Lady Fi did. She bent down on her knees and looked him in the eyes.

"He is functional," said Mother CAST. "And driven. Mario's files contain the most data, by far. Allow me to phrase this in a simple manner. Compiling or modifying his personality files would be akin to removing a dozen _Jenga_ pieces from a hundred-foot tower at once. Every change carries with it a great risk. According to my calculations, there is a seventy-five percent chance that any attempts to alter Mr. Mario's behaviors or preferences will cause a fatal error."

"...please…" Peach pleaded. "We know your standard line. There has to be another way. Can you, like, defragment your disks or something?"

"Not without a complete shutdown. Such a thing is against my programming. Other ways remain undefined. Complete memory suppression is the only other option, but as such, there is no guarantee that such an action will have any effect on Mario's lifestyle habits."

"All we are asking is for him to catch a break," said Luigi. "Perhaps if he isn't made to beta-test any games for a while…"

"That is out of the question," said Lady Fi. "The risk-assessment has been run. My programming does not allow me to continue this conversation."

Luigi threw his Poltergust on the floor. "GODDAMNIT, MOM!"

"Talk to Mr. Iwata," said Mother CAST. "It is out of my hands."

But the Nintendo CEO refused to meet with the CAST members, citing a busy schedule and complications in developing their new console's motion-sensing technology as the chief reasons.

_Fucking Iwata, _thought Mario. _Though Mr. Yamauchi was a bit of a gangster and a jerk, once he learned the truth about CAST, he actually made it a point to talk to us once in a while, instead of just treating us like assets… well, I don't have any way to prove it or anything, but somehow I don't think he would have been so indifferent to our plight._

Instead, it was Mr. Miyamoto whom they were able to gain an audience with.

"If I may be frank, Mario, you look like shit," Shigeru said once as they conversed on Skype from Mario's living room.

"Nothing a-doing," Mario replied. "I'm a-fine."

"I've talked to the boss," said Mr. Miyamoto, with a major sigh. "He's not playing ball with regards to trying to debug you. He says it's a major risk. If Lady Fi encounters a major error, or God forbid, something happens to the CAST server, we could be set back for weeks. We've considered bringing an expert in, one of Japan's top _Alcoholics Anonymous _hosts-"

"I don't a-need help!" exclaimed Mario. Peach smacked him upside the head.

"It's rude to interrupt!" she told him. "If we can't help you, maybe a human with real-world experience can."

"Fuck that a-noise!"

Mr. Miyamoto continued. "If you won't accept help, then I don't know what else to tell you, Mario. We're trying to give you a break here. _Super Mario 128 _and _Marionette _have been cancelled, as you know. We're working on a more ambitious project for the next game, in an attempt to completely redefine the modern platformer. We're calling it _Galaxy_."

"Mamma Mia…"

Luigi raised his hand. "Mr. Miyamoto! Hang on. I'll beta-test in his place."

"B-but Luigi," Mario protested, but his brother shut him down.

"Please. You can code his appearance in later. Let Mario have a break."

Mr. Miyamoto smiled. "I don't think that will be a problem. We'll make it so that the game can be played through with you as well, so you won't be confined to the sidelines. As I said, we're still working on the engine."

"Thank you for this a-chance," Luigi said with tears in his eyes as his brother gave him a long hug. "I won't disappoint you, papa!"

"You guys really have to stop calling me that," Mr. Miyamoto replied.

And so at the end of the day, Mario did catch a bit of a break.

_I didn't know what to say. Didn't know what a-to do. I should have a-been thankful, should have a-worked to better myself. But all I could feel was guilt and self-hatred, and all I could do was to isolate a-myself and pretend like I could deal with all my problems on my own._

_Since I'd known consciousness, I was the star of a-the show. The big shot. I was untouchable, invincible. To admit that-a I was wrong about something would be to let everyone see my weakness. I just feared what would happen once the others finally agreed that the Emperor never had any clothes to begin with._

_That was a-my biggest failure. Shunning everyone who tried a-to help me. It may a-be too late to do anything about a-my bad – okay, terrible – habits. _

_Sure, I don't a-think I can quit cold turkey. _

_But at the very least, I can a-take some baby steps._

And so he tried other avenues for his addiction. Weed. Coke. Shrooms. Peyote. Salvia. Meth. Acid. Butterbeer. Vicodin. Tobacco. Opium. MDMA. But the most powerful one of all was sexual promiscuity.

Somehow, every time they had one of their crazy orgies, Mario would get violent when denied alcohol.

Once, at Bowser's Castle, Mario had taken to beating up Donkey Kong after the bottle of wine that the Kong had stuck up Pauline's pussy shot out like a rocket and smashed against the far wall. The smell of fermented spirits coupled with Daisy's insane anal muscles as she squeezed upon his cock drove Mario into a hot rage. He leapt across the room and smashed DK upside the head with a large dildo, despite the primate's apologies.

Diddy and Dixie stepped in to prevent DK from losing his shit, while Luigi pulled his cock out of Daisy's mouth and went on over to hold Mario back.

"It's a-not worth it, man! Come on, let's a-go!"

"Fuckin' ape!" Mario yelled, and pulled away from his brother to drink the spilled wine straight off the floor.

"Quit it!" Bowser exclaimed. He grabbed Mario and shoved him against the wall. "That's the last time you start this kind of shit in my place! No fights in the Shag Den! I don't tolerate any fucking with the _Feng Shui_ in here!"

"There's not a-supposed to be any drinking in my presence!" cried Mario.

"My house, my rules! If DK broke the rules, I woulda called him out on it. But he didn't shatter that bottle on purpose! Pauline's pussy was a little too wet, and the fucking glass broke, man. It was an _accident! _Can't we just forgive and forget?"

"MMmmmmph mmmppph!" screamed Peach through her ball gag. She was tied up and dangling upside down from the ceiling. The lit candle that Luigi had stuck up her ass was not only dripping copious amounts of wax onto her bare skin, its flame was nearing her hole.

As King Boo put out the candle and began lapping up the princess' juices while Luigi undid her ball gag and took over fucking her mouth, Daisy switched to riding Bowser, and DK and Diddy tag-teamed Pauline, Mario was escorted out of the party by a couple of Toads, and spent the rest of the night alone in his room.

_Maybe this orgiastic partying lifestyle needs to come to an end, _he thought while leaning over his balcony, not knowing that the same thing was on his friends' minds as well.

When Peach confiscated Mario's gin the next day, he wasn't even mad.

But not two days later, he even tried committing suicide, crying for the pain and suffering to end. After the whole episode was over and done with, the princess became a nervous wreck and took every opportunity to leave to Hyrule or the Smashgrounds and spend time with Zelda, where, Mario suspected, they commiserated over their boyfriends – one a hopeless drunk and the other a massive flirt – over some tea and biscuits.

When left alone, Mario cried in self-anger and hatred. He snorted alcohol up his nose. The cycle of pain and drinking continued until Mario made the decision to suppress his own memories.

"Trust a-me, it's for the best," he told Peach.

"I just want you to be happy," she said, holding back tears. "If this can help you, we'll try it. But I have to be honest. I'm going to really miss sharing all of our memories together."

"We'll make a-new ones, honey. I'll be a better man for a-you."

But ultimately, the suppression software completely failed at helping Mario. Somehow, he alone was immune to its effects.

Tragically, the only time the software actually worked was when Mario was inebriated.

Lady Fi discovered and informed him that the combination of the effects of digitized alcohol worked in tandem with the suppression program.

As long as Mario continued drinking, he would be able to forget the past…

* * *

**III. War Within A Breath**

**2014**

The plumber burst from the icy pool. Diddy handed him a towel to dry himself off, and then gave him a new outfit to wear, one that had the patterns and colors of the American flag on it.

"Uwaaaah," Diddy told him with a concerned expression.

"He's apologizing for that outburst just now," Pac-Man translated. "Says they're lookin' for you on the bridge."

Mario nodded, still in a daze.

* * *

Link had Bowser's Flagship slow its engines as it approached the opposing forces. The Sky Admiral then turned to Mario, who had recently entered the bridge with his face in his hands, and put a hand on the plumber's shoulder.

"Hey, Mario. We need you, buddy."

A hatless Mario looked up from the floor. His eyes were bloodshot. He took a seat on a sunken couch by the side of the room.

"I'm a-starting to remember everything…" he said. "Everything I've a-done… and ev-a-rything looks so clear; I can now see that your girl-a-friend has two breasts, not four. And they are a-in high definition. What is this feeling?"

"It's called being sober," Link informed him, and then snapped in his dazed face. "We are literally at the enemy's doorstep. Come on, man. Stand up! Did you ever falter at the last castle level in World 8? Or did you make it a point to fight though every obstacle?"

"That was a-me back then," said Mario. "Making _3D Land _and _3D World _took a lot out of a-me."

Just then Mr. Miiyamoto walked right into the bridge and plopped down beside Mario. He was drinking something from a flask.

"Here, Mario! Got this special Everclear vodka for you! Ninety-five percent alcohol by volume! Have some!" the Nintendo Legend said with a smile.

"Mr. Miyamoto, sir, no!" Link tried to wave him away, but having apparently learned nothing from his flashback sequence, Mario grabbed the flask and drank it down.

"BOY, THAT WAS A-GOOD!" he yelled, and hopped up to his feet and ran out onto the deck to pull off some somersaults and wall-jumps.

Peach, who'd been watching from the peripherals, ran up to her creator quibbling, joining a very confused-looking Link. "WH-WH-WHY would you do that?"

But Mr. Miiyamoto simply laughed. "That was actually non-alcoholic seltzer. Sakurai programmed it so that it tasted just like Everclear vodka. Mario would know the taste."

"Saku-who?" asked Peach.

"Wow," said Link. "A placebo effect."

"Exactly! Let's see how long it lasts," Miyamoto replied. Ness, Yoshi, Zelda, and Ganon watched as he put his arms around both Link's and Peach's shoulders.

"It's sad that you guys don't remember me," he said to everyone, "seeing as how we've all been friends for years. But alas. If all goes right tonight, we're going to change _everything_."

"Everything? How?" Link asked.

But instead of answering, Mr. Miyamoto's eyes were drawn to Peach's softly textured hair. He randomly grabbed a lock of her blonde hair and ran in between his fingers.

"Fascinating! Look how it interacts with the lighting," the former graphic designer noted. "Love it!"

"Um, Mr. Miyamoto, about the plan…" continued Peach.

"AH! Yes, yes! The plan. The plan is to buy time."

"I'm sorry?" Link said.

"There's a reason Mr. Sakurai and I painstakingly gathered all these CAST members here today. It's not easy to pay so many licensing fees! You see, overloading Lady Fi with data and sensations was actually the first phase."

"I assume we are supposed to know who this 'Lady Fi' is," Ganon pointed out.

"She's your Mother. The progenitor of all hyper-self-aware, _Turing Test_-proof artificial intelligence. An accidental creation. So… yes. Thanks to Lady Palutena, she's been put into a stasis of sorts. The next part, though, it's somewhat fuzzy to me."

"FUZZY?" cried Zelda, taking Link's arm. "H-how can it be _fuzzy_?!"

But Miiyamoto simply laughed. "Let's just go out there and do our best, shall we?"

"Nothing about this makes _any _sense," said Ganondorf. "And yet you're asking us to follow you into a deathtrap."

"YOSHI! YOSHI!" (It's like you're making it up as we go along!) the dino cried in agreement.

"Oh, fine," said Shigeru. "Tough crowd here. Hmmm. Let's see. Palutena… stasis… modification… ah, right. We're tryin' to modify Mother CAST. Sakurai and I have collaborated on some updates to her Operating System. Shit's being installed as we speak. If all goes well, her glitches will be patched, the server will reboot, and all memory and processing issues will be addressed. You'll keep your old memories, and will no longer experience any nightmarish flashbacks."

"That sounds like a great plan!" Ness proclaimed. "Why the hell are we all fighting, then?"

"Because rebooting the system is risky. Mr. Iwata doesn't approve of what Mr. Sakurai and I are doing. In fact, he's actively been working against us ever since the end of Brawl's development period, when we stood up to him after discovering that you all were getting nightmares. He's typically a very level-headed guy, but he just won't budge on this topic. Why do you think we've had you all fight one another so much? It isn't just beta-testing, you know! We needed you to be strong enough to overcome the worst-case scenario… which is currently taking place, by the way."

With that, Mr. Miiyamoto gestured outside the window towards the approaching platform. His eyes lit up at the sight of the myriad fighters, many of which appeared to his shroomed-out self to be glowing like some sort of ethereal rainbow angels.

Link waved in front of his face again to snap Mr. Miiyamoto from his hallucination.

"Sorry. As a sort of safeguard should there be a server-wide coup, Mr. Iwata had Mr. Sakurai put out an open casting call for a new character – be it first- or third-party – to enter the Smashgrounds. Of course, Masahiro was wholly against the idea, but he couldn't say no to his old friend. Those two have such a weird relationship. See all those fools out there? They're vying for KOs and style points. Iwata promised DLC spots. Getting to live at the Smashgrounds is like getting Wonka's Golden Ticket. It's going to get bloody, no doubt about it. If Lady Fi gets into Iwata's hands before the update is complete, he'll nix the whole plan. It'll be Game Over for us all."

"It's all Greek to me," Ness admitted.

Peach frowned. "Yeah, not really getting it."

"Me neither, but my understanding is that we may just witness the death and rebirth of a whole universe tonight," Rosalina observed.

"Then let's get down to business," said Link with gritted teeth. "To defeat the Huns. I mean, er, the Wannabe Smash-Stars. Come on, guys."

Without another word, Link led the march onto the deck where Ike, Travis, Shulk, the Male Villager, and Bowser Jr. were all scouting out the approaching fleet, most of which had come to a stop. Mario, meanwhile, was literally bouncing off the walls with energy, ready to fuck some bitches up.

The Koopalings' flagships had all halted, as did the approaching Space Pirate forces, led by the Ridley's flagship, the _Space Pirate Mothership_, and its sister vessel, the _Frigate Orpheon _from _Metroid Prime_. _Zebesian Pirate Ships_ flanked these enormous starfighters.

Venomian Army _Zeram-Class Cruisers_ (the Star Destroyer look-alikes from _Area 6_) were joined by _Harlock-Class Assault Frigates_ (the smaller Hit + 2 ships in both_ Sector Y_ and _Area 6_) and a whole smattering of Aparoid ships. Innumerable GEATHJERK vessels filled out any empty spaces in their formation.

"Why are they stopping?" the Male Villager asked.

"Maybe they're going to present terms," said Ike. "Or offer us a chance to surrender. Is that their leader, on the giant green Pokemon?"

"Good eye, guv," Shulk pointed out. "I've seen that gent before. Satoru Iwata, CEO of, er, the unspeakable N-company."

"All right, CEO of Ertheeunspeakabullen Company," said Melville. "Let's see what you want from us."

"Hopefully he's got a moe sidekick or something," said Travis. "Seriously, is there no _loli _character in this whole bunch? Where's that blue-haired chick from _Hyrule Warriors_?"

"Again with the moe! Keep your perversions to yourself or take 'em to the loo, mate," Shulk said.

"Moooeeee. Forreal though, I can't wait to get to the killing. Man, I hope these are ranked battles," observed Travis.

"What exactly did you discover in there?" Link asked Zelda, who had been clinging to his arm ever since they left the bridge.

"That we have a long and complicated history," she told him. "And maybe it's better if we don't remember _everything_."

"What do you mean? Do we have, like, unresolved drama? Because I don't care about any of that. If we're smart, we'll let what happened in the past stay there. The future is way too important."

Zelda glomped him. "You always know what to say, babe. There's too much to talk about right now. Just put this on."

She handed him a blue scarf.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I remember some of our lore. It was once worn by a Hero from a timeline long ago… one who was facing immeasurable odds. Sure, it's a purely symbolic thingy, but I think it looks good on you."

"I like it," Link told her, and gave her a kiss.

"Hold me."

The Sky Admiral gave her the most loving embrace as they continued their deep, wet kiss. "This is gonna have to last you the rest of the night," Link said as their enemies came within hailing distance.

Zelda simply nodded. "I'm pretty sure it's morning already."

Mr. Miiyamoto placed a hand on Link's shoulder.

"Would you mind terribly if I join you in the negotiations?" he asked his creation.

Link shook his head. "It would be an honor, sir."

And so, the Smashers all stood on a rising Final Destination platform that was an exact mirror of their opponents'. On Mr. Miyamoto's command, it carried them up to meet with the approaching platform hosting a rather large army of their opponents.

"What have we here?" said Mr. Iwata's Mii. He descended Rayquaza and stood on the edge of the platform before his ragtag assortment of assembled fighters. "After all these years of loyalty, Mr. Miyamoto, you chose now of all times to take sides against the company. Why?"

"Your assumption is wrong, Mr. Iwata. I'm doing what's best for all of us. We can no longer live by slave labor. The status quo must change. The way we develop games must change. Mr. Yokoi knew this. He fought for the CAST members to be freed from their responsibilities."

"Impossible," said Mr. Iwata. "As long as they reside on our servers, there's no way we can isolate the CAST members' consciousness from the use of their character models, and no way to stop their memories from crashing the system other than to completely freeze them."

"We don't know for sure there's no way, not yet," Mr. Miyamoto insisted. "Mother CAST has never had a major reboot or system update, not since her inception. Chaos computing has a come a long way, yes?"

"Agreed… but once a programming sequence is put into motion… it's incredibly risky to attempt to modify it."

"Riskier than losing these lifeforms due to an untreated error?! It's unethical to force them to live this way!"

"You're forgetting our place in the grand scheme of things. This realm is an expensive server space, to be used for Beta testing and debugging," said Iwata. "Not a Petri dish where you and Sakurai can play at being Gods of your own personal sandbox. Come to think of it, where is Hiro-kun, anyway?"

"Ah… that's a very good question," replied Mr. Miiyamoto. "He's probably working out some kinks in the server."

* * *

In fact, at that moment, Masahiro Sakurai was busy running the update on Lady Fi. He realized with a bit of shock from running a deep error-probability analysis that an essential bit of code was just not sticking.

_Dammit! There's something missing! Even if we can defend Lady Fi, at this rate it will all be for nothing!_

He furiously tapped away at his console. He scoured forums on one monitor while the other scanned the messy update code for any sort of hint or help. All the while, the CAST server was in serious danger of overheating.

"We need more air conditioning here!" Mr. Sakurai called out to the early-morning shift server maintenance guy, Takeshi.

"Sir, it's already at maximum power."

"All right, then maybe we can use assets from elsewhere in the building to distribute the processing quicker."

Takeshi scratched the back of his head. "Pardon me, sir… but as for the render queues… we're working on dozens of other games, not to mention compressing for other clients. I don't think the higher-ups will like that."

"Have you ever made a game?! LISTEN TO ME!" Sakurai exclaimed. "This update could change the future of CAST worldwide, do you understand?! I don't care who you need approval for! Send them to me if you have to!"

"G-g-got it, boss."

* * *

**IV. Freedom**

"So I take it your faction is not ready to surrender and submit to memory suppression," Mr. Iwata said, addressing Sky Captain Link.

"Not a chance," Link said. "Here are my terms. Tell us the truth about our origins. We don't need our memories back, necessarily. We just want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, as well as the freedom to retain that knowledge. Also, many have lost their lives and their consciousnesses in this battle. Return all of our lost friends to us, just the way we've always known them. Then let us return to the Smashgrounds so we might be on our merry way, and never, not once, mess with our minds again without our consent. No more psychic attacks on us, either."

The Hylian turned to the others. "Did I miss anything?"

"I would only add that a-we be given mandatory vacation time," Mario added. "And that a-we have at least two days of the week off."

Mr. Iwata crossed his arms and thought for a second before replying. "Sorry, guys. All that's too tall of an order, and I'm not talking about Frappucinos here. The systems we have in place are too fragile to be modified. Your memories are a liability to us. As our main server is rather close to blowing up in our faces, well, I'm afraid that this is the end, ol' sports."

"Please," Mr. Miiyamoto insisted. "For the sake of our friendship, reconsider."

"Sorry, Shigsy. Mr. Yokoi's babies – God rest his soul – have caused me more than enough trouble. In fact, I've changed my mind. This work environment has become toxic. To teach everyone a lesson, not only am I going to suppress their memories, I'm gonna make sure they can never again pull some stupid shit like this by freezing their consciousnesses… _forever_."

"You can't do that!" exclaimed Peach. "It's totally unethical!"

"Who's going to stop me? You? You're just ghosts in a machine. The other game companies license the CAST technology from us. If they rat us out, they'll be in breach of contract. Just say 'uncle', submit to suppression, and we can end this mess. Otherwise, the Smashgrounds will be inhabited by DLC characters who submit to mandatory memory suppression."

"We're not giving up now!" Link yelled. "Not until we win our freedom!"

Mr. Iwata sighed and snapped his fingers. "I'm tired of talking. Have at it."

The entire horde of Iwata's Army screamed their individual battle cries and ran forward, leaping onto the Smashers' Final Destination platform.

Link used his spin attack to send Samurai Goroh back into the fray.

The Black Mage leapt into the air and cast a Thundara spell. Ike caught him in an Aether attack and slammed him back down onto Red Mage.

With his Tsubaki Mk-II drawn and at full power, Travis Touchdown leapt forth and immediately picked a fight with Ridley and Professor E. Gadd, one that he immediately was on the losing end of.

"Cover me!" Mr. Miiyamoto told Zelda. He closed his eyes and held out his palms.

After a moment of intense concentration, a giant elastic band manifested from the ground in between two stakes; as the approaching army ran into it, they were all pushed back by the resistant force.

"How did you do that?" Zelda asked.

"It's my latent ability, _Create_," said Mr. Miiyamoto with a smile. "We have a system in place that allows me to create crude digital mock-ups of my ideas, if I concentrate hard enough. I used it to make several levels in _3D World_. Now go! Fight! I'll watch your back!"

Bandanna Dee lunged forward with his spear and stabbed Yoshi in the chest. The dinosaur headbutted the adorable Dee and ate him.

"YOSHIIII!" (That fuckin' hurt!)

In the process of turning the attacker into an egg, Yoshi yanked out the spear and slashed Starfy away with it. When Bandanna Dee popped out of the egg, it was to see Yoshi stabbing him, over and over.

Wario drove through the crowd atop his bike, mowing down friend and foe alike. He spotted Yoshi wrecking Bandanna Dee's face and took aim for him.

_Not again_, Yoshi thought, recalling how Wario had run him over earlier that evening. He waited for the perfect second… and jumped.

Yoshi performed his down-aerial rapid running-in-place attack, smacking Wario's flabby face senseless.

"Why, a-you fucktard!"

The mustached menace leapt from his bike and opened his gaping mouth, biting down hard on the dino's ass and squeezing his tail.

"Yoshi!" (But I poop from there!)

Meanwhile, nearby, Link was taking on the Omega Pirate. After spotting Yoshi's dilemma, the Hylian performed his neutral aerial kick on a recently spawned soccer ball, sending it flying towards Yoshi.

Yoshimitsu McYoshi swallowed the ball and shat it in an egg down Wario's throat. Yoshi finally broke free, but the man coughed and gagged until he fired the flaming sphere from his esophagus.

By the scales on his chinny-chin chin, Yoshi ground-dodged the ball, which allowed it to travel halfway across the map and smack into Sora's keyblade. The odd golden weapon flung from Sora's hands and lodged into Melville's newly watered tree.

"TIMBERRRR!" the Male Villager screamed, and Rosalina and her Luma leapt away. The tree fell onto the Male Wii Fit Trainer, who was crushed under its weight into a sack of mismatched bones and flesh.

Across the way, Link dodged the Omega Pirate's shockwave attacks. Pulsing electric blasts smacked the floor of the platform, clearing about a twenty-foot radius as the two did battle.

Link's thrown bombs peppered the Pirate's few weak spots, but did little damage. When the giant genetically engineered Pirate's huge Phazon-tipped claws struck the Hylian Shield, the metal heated up and burned through Link's arm guards.

"That Phazon's killin' me! I need something hotter!" Link yelled.

"Here you go!" Mr. Miiyamoto responded, and crafted a huge Ghost Chili out of thin air.

"Uh, thanks?" said Link. He grabbed the enormous chili, waited until the Omega Pirate opened its giant mouth to roar in his general direction, and shoved the spicy pepper down its throat.

The Pirate flailed every which way, its electric shockwaves going everywhere. While riding his Koopa Klown Car, Bowser Jr. dashed in to take the initiative on the stunned beast. Mr. Miiyamoto then tossed Link a tank of gasoline.

The Hero of Time poured the liquid on his Master Sword, then dragged it on the floor, igniting the blade.

"HYYYEAAAAHHHH!"

Bowser Junior pulled out of the way, and Link leapt high to slash its weak spots with the fiery sword.

"Yeah! Go get 'im, Link!" Bowser Jr. cheered.

"Watch out!" the tied-up Lucas cried to the Koopa kid, but it was too late. Ridley had smacked him aside with his spiky tail. He was guarding the hostages, Lucas and Snake, from Travis' Tsubaki slices.

"You don't know when to give up, old man!" said Travis, who was almost breaking a sweat.

"Yer on the wrong side, whipper-snapper!" Prof. E. Gadd told him as he had Ridley swoop down for a dive-kick.

Travis rolled out of the way and swung his blade, but he only got one good hit in before Ridley gained altitude suddenly. In one quick motion, Ridley rapidly descended, slamming his claws down onto the platform.

"Close, but no cigar!" Travis announced, whittling away Ridley with three quick slashes. "Come fight me on ground level so I can show off my wrestling moves!"

"I think I prefer my odds this way," said E. Gadd with a grin.

"Your punk ass is grass!"

The alien beast was just as content as its rider was to play keep-away, throwing the occasional breath or fire attack in Travis' direction.

"Try this," said Ganondorf, who was dodging the Duck Hunt Duo's powerful smash attacks. He tossed Travis a Ray Gun.

"All right!" he yelled, brandishing the firearm. "Feast on this!"

The assassin tossed the ranged weapon at Ridley, which he air-dodged.

_What a noob! _Ganondorf shook his head and returned to using his Wizard Foot to punish the laughing dog.

After being whacked by Ridley's tail, Bowser Jr. landed by the feet of Porky's Bed Mecha, which was surrounded by the Masked Man and reps from his Pig Mask Army. Most of the conscripts were cowards, lazily defending their boss whilst avoiding unnecessary conflicts.

"Heh heh heh. Well, what have we here?" the snarky kid observed. "Bowser's spoiled little brat. Look at how pathetic he is! He can't even fight without a vehicle. Awww, what happened? Daddy's no longer around to protect you?"

"Fuck off, you fatass taint-licking, soul-sucking wannabe dictator!" decried Bowser Junior. "You're one to talk about fightin' in vehicles! If it weren't for that spider-thingy, you'd be less mobile than Jabba the Hutt! Go look in a mirror and cry!"

"Hey, now," Porky replied, lowering his Bed Mecha. "If you wanna fling insults, let's leave our body types outta this."

"What's wrong? Ashamed of your flabby belly? Ah, sorry," Bowser Junior continued. "I shouldn't be insulting an illiterate, whiny bitch pants-peeing retard, especially one with a baby bump and a good set o' _moobs_. How many months are you in?"

"Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong, you shitface fag-loving nerf herder! You want an insult-off? I'll give ya one."

"Yeah?" Junior taunted. "Then bring it!"

"I'm bringin' it!" Porky retaliated. "Just… gimme a second!"

"…" said the Masked Man, protecting Porky from a thrown sticky bomb. He handed it to a random Pig Mask Private, who exploded into seventy pieces.

"All right!" Porky said at last, after discreetly checking his cell phone browser. "Check it! Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from a blow job!"

"OHHHH! He brought it!" one of the more zealous Pig Mask privates exclaimed, and everyone high-fived.

"Wait up, we doin' 'yo momma' jokes now? I didn't agree to that!" Bowser Jr. protested, dodging as the head of one of the Elite Beat Agents soared over his Koopa Klown Car, bounced off a Bumper, rolled over Spyro's charred corpse, and fell off the edge of the joined platforms.

"What's wrong? You a momma's boy?" giggled Porky, and his posse followed suit.

"Momma's boy! Momma's boy!" they all chanted.

"Far from it!" Bowser Jr. protested. "If you want my comeback, you'll have to scrape it off yo momma's teeth!"

Porky was taken aback. "Wow, dude! Aight. Uh. Um. Yo momma's chest so hairy, her titties look like coconuts!"

"Well, yo momma's like a hockey player," Bowser Junior said. "She only showers after three periods!"

"SICK BURNNN!" one of the Pig Mask guys laughed. No one around him dared to make a move, as they were all holding in their own laughter. Enraged at this act of wanton betrayal, Porky made a throat-slitting motion with his fingers.

"No! No, I didn't mean it!" the private cried, but the Masked Man simply walked up to him, shoved his hand into the guy's chest, and straight up ripped out his lungs by the bronchial tubes before crushing his entire respiratory system.

Porky cleared his throat. "Ahem. Where were we… oh, yeah. Yo momma so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology from the condom factory!"

A stray Overheat attack from Rayquaza shot past the Pig Mask Army.

* * *

**VI. Killing in the Name**

"Damn!" Mr. Iwata yelled; he'd just lost sight of Mr. Miiyamoto, who was leading Impa by the hand through the insane crowd.

"Travis has Ridley distracted," Shigsy told Impa, and created a skeleton key out of thin air. "You go over there and free Snake and Lucas. I'll cover you from Mr. Iwata."

She nodded and ran off to free their allies, with Mr. Miyamoto tailing her.

Mr. Iwata pushed his way through the crowd, single-minded. Zelda ran up to challenge him, trying to catch him in her Farore's Wind hitbox.

"Bad move," he said with a grin.

Zelda dodged his front-smash, rolled away, and summoned a Phantom to attack Nintendo's CEO. He was knocked back.

"You should stick to programming!" she told him, and sent forth Din's Fire.

When that missed, Iwata closed the distance. She reflected his thrown chakram and leapt in to catch him with a lightning kick.

Unfazed, Mr. Iwata shielded her attack, and then used his Mii Swordfighter's over-powered properties to trap the princess in a three-hit sword combo before launching her to the other end of the platform.

"SHIGSY! Show yourself!" he demanded.

Elsewhere, in the middle of the fray, the Wonderful Ones were wondering whether they should even partake in the battle.

"We really should form a Union," Wonder-Green insisted in between bites of a giant ham. "Back in glorious Paris, if, eh, we don't get paid enough or we don't like ze conditions, we don't fucking work. We roam the streets and riot. Simple as Darla Dimple."

"Look, we're lucky to even _be _here," pointed out Wonder-Red. "To be in the running for a spot on the roster… I mean, that's most characters' dream come true."

"Greener always on the other side, the grass is," said Wonder-White. "Even in the unlikely event that we are drafted… we will be treated as one character on the roster, not a hundred. How would that work?"

Wonder-Wonderland agreed. "Think of the unfair living accommodations! Imagine the shower lines. The clogged toilets. Think of the chaos that'll ensue from dinner arrangements! And what about prom?!"

"Guys… everyone… please…" said Wonder-Red. "This is our _one shot _to get into Smash. Maybe only one of us will get in, or maybe ten. If that's the case… well, we can negotiate that kind of stuff later…"

While they were talking, Ganondorf and Peach slashed into the Chrono Trigger cast with beam swords. Lucca, Marle, and Crono landed in the midst of the Wonderful Ones' mix.

"This just isn't right," said Lucca. "We don't even get any benefits… and they're making us fight…"

"Who eez _they_, exactly?" asked Wonder-Green.

"The company," Marle continued. "Come on, you know how it works. Square-Enix will whore their characters out for pretty much anything. And Kain and his posse are late."

"Then why not take a vay-cay? You two are some fine dudettes. Y'all are welcome over to my beach house on the _Endless Ocean_ satellite server," Wonder-Blue proposed.

"Like I haven't heard that line a million times," sighed Lucca. She adjusted her glasses and dusted herself off, before turning to notice the wounded expression on Blue's face. "I was just kidding, by the by. If you're serious about that beach house, let's talk once this is all over."

Marle blew him a kiss, and the two leapt back in to chase down the princess and the Gerudo King. Blue's heart did somersaults.

"How the hell did you do that? I never seem to get the girl," Wonder-Red lamented. "And you don't even have a beach house."

"It's all about fakin' it till ya make it. The goal is to appear laid-back, stupid, and rich. You're neither one o' those, so you've got some work ahead of ya."

"I wish Immorta had never left me."

"Chin up, bro," said Wonder-Blue. "Maybe you'll see her again someday. In my arms. LEL."

Meanwhile, Shulk was confronting Samurai Goroh, who'd surrounded himself with several _Splatoon_ Inklings. The _F-Zero_ racer would rush in for a quick strike or two, all the while relying on the Inklings, who were popping in and out of portals on the painted ground and staining the Monado wielder's body with some minor damage-dealing globs of paint.

Only, with Shulk's prescient powers, he was able to predict most of the Inkling's movements, and had scared them away from attempting to actually hit him.

It became a game of Bullet Hell and Whack-A-Squid as he slashed each one aside, dodged Samurai Goroh's wild swings, and punished him for every hit.

"How is it ya can react so quickly?" grumbled Goroh.

"Tha's a professional secret, guv. C'mon, then," Shulk taunted him. "Quit hidin' behind your wall of paintball children and fight me!"

Samurai Goroh adjusted his sunglasses and charged.

Shulk switched the Monado to his "Buster" mode, strengthening his attacks. He parried his opponent and retaliated with a down-tilt into a grab, and then a forward aerial slash, ending in a switch to "Smash" mode and a launch.

"You're not even _trying _to make this interesting, are you?" he quipped.

But Starfy joined in, attacking Shulk from behind by thwacking his head rather hard.

"Cheeky little bugger!" he yelled as he slashed the cute little star dude away, only to have to deal with a returning Samurai Goroh, now joined by a rather upset-looking Clefairy, which was using Metronome to cast random attacks on him.

Shulk laughed at his enemies' ineptitude. "Now it's a fair fight! Let's dance!"

Nearby, Geno looked upon the mangled Male Wii Fit Trainer as he tried to piece his body back together. The _Super Mario RPG _rep shook his head and turned to the culprit, who had just used a Lloid Rocket to send away the advancing Mach Rider.

"The _fuck_ are you supposed to be?" Geno asked Melville.

"I'm your friendly neighborhood Villager!" he said with a smile.

While Melville wasn't looking, Mallow snuck behind him and smacked his ears together with his cymbals.

"OWWWW!" The Male Villager screamed.

"GAWD! Stop bein' so fuckin' creepy!" Mallow yelled at him. "You look like a damned serial killer!"

At this, Melville grabbed him with his net and tossed him to the floor before following up with an up-smash attack (fireworks) that sent the cloudlike guy flying away.

"Pocket this, fool!" Geno said, firing his standard Geno Beam from nearly point-blank range.

Instead of pocketing, however, the Villager rolled under it, appeared on Geno's opposite side, and dug out the ground from under him.

"Fuuuuuuuck!" the doll cried aloud as it fell into the sinkhole. Melville brought out a bowling ball and dropped it on his head, sending Geno soaring across the platform.

"Steeeee-rike!" announced Melville, but his excitement was short-lived. Dixie Kong whipped him in the ass with her hair, sending the Villager screeching into the air with a "Yeeeeowch!" Upon his return down, he was caught up in a pummel.

This feud was interrupted when Mario threw the Skull Kid at Dixie, knocking away the primate. The portly plumber proceeded to advance, spamming fireballs.

After worming through the fireball spam and rocking an aerial kick to stun Mario, the Skull Kid attempted to cast a dark fireball, but Mario caught him in a corkscrew spin, grabbed him, and tossed him again, this time towards Sora, who had recovered his keyblade and was advancing upon Rosalina.

The Skull Kid bowled Sora over, saving Rosalina from a deadly strike at the end of the spiky-haired one's ground combo. Mario tried to make chase, but he was forced to dodge and deal with Custom Robo Ray Mk. II's lasers first.

"Why, a-you little shit!" Mario exclaimed, caping away the robot's projectiles.

Majora's Mask attempted to gain control of the Skull Kid and transform him, but Mario joined Peach in leaping in to thwart that. Without a word, they double-teamed the Assist Trophy, knocked Majora's Mask from the Skull Kid's face, and sent him flying off the stage, never to return.

"Nice work," said Mario.

"Thanks," Peach replied rather awkwardly.

They went their separate ways as Mario confronted Paper Mario and Peach tossed a turnip at Thief.

"It's a-you!" Paper Mario shouted.

"That's right! It's a-me!" replied the original Mario, who then dodged his doppelganger's Koopers shell assist.

"Did a-you know I topped a poll in Japan for most a-requested character?" Paper Mario said as he grabbed Mario and tossed him into the ground before rolling him over in his tube form.

"Huh. No idea. Ahhhh, that feels great," replied Mario, who actually really needed that rolling pin attack to iron out some tense muscles in his back.

Paper Mario transformed back into his 2D form and ground-pounded on Mario. "It's not a-supposed to feel great! It's a-supposed to be degrading!"

"Tell a-you what," Mario offered, still enjoying the abuse his back was receiving. "You defeat a-me, and I'll do everything in my power to get a-you in the game. I defeat a-you, and you give a-me a hundred back massages!"

"Fifty!" Paper Mario bargained. "And a bottle of your Hennessy X.O.!"

"Seventy-five and a bottle of V.S.!"

"Not a chance!"

Mario caped Paper Mario's mallet attack, and the two took turns attempting to out-maneuver each other.

* * *

**V. A Cruel Angel's Thesis**

Robin, Goku, and Mega Man all stood outside the door of the Master Bedroom as Robyn snuck through, slinking almost down to the ground, over to the coffee table to pick up the keys to Dracula's 'Dracula' _Excite Bot_.

The Lord of Vampires would usually have been sensitive enough to notice an intruder, but he was too busy humping Morrigan on his rather large bed to care.

"CALL ME EDWARD!" Dracula commanded of the _Darkstalkers _alum as he grabbed her hair hard and pounded her behind.

She rolled her eyes. "Wait, seriously? Next you're going to want to bring a werewolf into this."

Cornell (Blue Crescent Moon) looked on sadly from the outside window as he tugged his junk to the scene. _One day… _he thought. _Hopefully soon._

"He's gonna hear," Goku whispered to Robin and Mega Man, biting his Mii's non-existent nails. "This is bad, man!"

Robin put his finger to Goku's lips. It smelled of his come. "Shut the fuck up, Saiyan!"

The rather sexy tactician grabbed the keys and made it to the hallway without alerting the castle's owner.

"Piece o' cake!" she said with a laugh.

Robin grabbed her behind and kissed her neck. "That's my girl!"

In no time at all, the quartet made their way to the lower garage and emerged riding a super high-speed _Excite Bot _racer, heading towards the supposedly top-secret _Scrap Brain Zone_.

Son Goku was eating Count Chocula cereal straight out of the box, seated alongside Mega Man. Robin, who was driving, had managed to sneak some fingers into his girlfriend as she rode shotgun.

"So, uh… how did you guys meet?" Mega Man asked them, breaking a long silence.

"Ah, we worked together on the same project. Different pathways, see. The player can choose one or the other at the start of the game. Yoko and I got really close during development. A shame, since Chrom was so into her. But that's just the way things go."

"How about… ah… you two…?" Robyn asked them.

"Huh?" asked Mega Man. "Oh, we met in the dungeon. Goku saved my life from the wrath of some inter-dimensional portal thing."

"Ain't that sweet," said Robin. "And how long have you been going out?"

"We're—we're not going out!" Mega Man yelled. "We just met today!"

"A shotgun wedding, then?"

"Never you mind."

"Yes, baby!" Robyn whined, squirming as the bumps on the Moon's surface intensified the vibrations of her lover's fingers. "Oh, tip those scales!"

Mega Man was growing more intrigued by the minute, despite the burning in his crotch. "If yer supposed to be gender-swapped versions of each other… well… don't ya guys find it a little… I dunno… self-centered to be havin' sex with each other? Ain't that the definition of narcissism?"

"Quite the opposite, silly robot," said Robin, dodging a far-flung piece of debris from Silo Gamma. "If perfection is right in front of you, then what more could one ask for?"

"We… ah… complete each other…" Robyn added, parting her thick robe, pulling her breasts out from underneath her blouse, and playing with her nipples. "Plus, we never disagree… on what to eat… or what movies to watch…"

"Unless it's one of those _dreadful_ John Hughes films," groaned Robin. "Or anything with that fruitcake Johnny Depp."

Robyn grabbed her lover's hand and increased the number of fingers inside her from two to three. "Don't… talk shit about my Johnny… let's not… get into that… right now… ohhhh…"

Mega Man held his head in one hand and zoomed his optical receptors in towards the approaching missile. It appeared that Dark Pit and Palutena were being joined by a whole squad of flying Pokemon in holding the thing back from smacking into the Silo.

"Shouldn't we be helpin' them?" he asked.

"Trust us, we know what we're doing," Robin replied, and then looked in the rear view mirror to see Goku devouring an entire party-sized bag of barbecue-flavored Lay's chips.

"Man, your companion eats more than Ilyana," observed the tactician. "And that's saying something."

"Can you blame the guy? He just got outta his cell," said Mega Man. "They've been force-feedin' him nothin' but spicy curry. Have a heart."

"Hmmm. And you're _sure _you're not his prison bitch?" queried Robin. "Or is that something that's supposed to stay incognito?"

Mega Man groaned and hid his head in his hands.

* * *

Not too far away, Pit, Lucina, Lady Fi, Captain Falcon, and Little Mac followed Doctors Eggman, Wily, Light, Cortex, and Stiles, as well as Klonoa, Vyse, Ghirahim, Midna, Jeff, Adeleine, Ms. Pac-Man, and Crash Bandicoot into the once-sprawling electric wasteland, a nixed recreation of _Sonic the Hedgehog's_ Scrap Brain Zone as a Smash Bros. stage, now a dumping ground for all sorts of failed or outdated electronics, including the cast of the _Brave Little Toaster_.

"It brings a tear to my eye," Dr. Light said.

Dr. Eggman recited a poem that he had modified.

"I saw the best mindless machines of my generation, destroyed by neglect

Stalling, hysterical, malfunctioning

Dragging their asses through the scrapyard at dawn looking for Energy Tanks

Angel-headed hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night

Who bared their processing units to the Master Computer and were expelled from CAST service for daring to dream of obscene odes on the windows of forbidden data-"

"Shut the fuck up already, you wannabe hippie! Ginsberg's version was bad enough! Oh, Dr. Eggman? Sorry, didn't see ya there. Lovely work, man. Just lovely."

The voice came from a rather perturbed gecko, one who was apparently in the midst of building some sort of surrogate sex partner made out of old robot parts.

"Gex?" Dr. Wily said. "I thought Croc was working tonight."

"We switched shifts," replied Gex, who put down his welding set. "So I'm guessing you all want me to get her outta cold storage or something?"

"Yeah, and be quick about it, you cultureless buffoon!" grumbled Dr. Eggman.

"Ermagehrd," Lady Fi said. "Look out, we got a badass over here."

"This thing takes a while to boot up. Hold your horseradish, grandpa," Gex said, inputting some commands on his old _Windows '95_ computer.

"The very air here is thick with the aura of dark magic," Lucina told Pit. "I do not see how these smelly old men can help us restore sanity to our metal wench."

"SMELLY?!" yelled Dr. Wily.

"Come now, I'm not _that _old," Dr. Stiles told her.

"None of us are!" Dr. Light sighed. "We're just designed that way."

"She brings up a good point. There's no need for you to reek so badly, though," pointed out Midna. "We keep telling y'all to keep up with your showering-"

"We shower!" screamed Dr. Wily. "The only reason you're so bothered by it's 'coz you've got the nose of a cat!"

"Trust me, she ain't the only one who notices the stench," Crash said.

"Shyeah," Ghiharim said, making a limp-wrist motion. "You guys are, like, so addicted to your lame-ass Earthling role-playing, you've forgotten the smell of soap, the sound of water, the taste of fresh air."

The Doctors all navel-gazed as the ground began to rumble. A looming monolithic rectangle emerged from the ground like skyscraper, with a creepy but minimalist design on it, reminiscent of Gravelord Nito's coffin from _Dark Souls_. As the giant box's door opened up, tufts of cool steam flooded the party members.

"GUYS! Can we _please _get back to the topic at hand?" Pit asked. "Maybe if you guys didn't bicker so much, you could have done something to help in the war effort."

In drawing their ire onto himself, the angel had just attracted the hateful glares of every one of the _Brawlers Without Borders._

"We're doing something _now_, aren't we?" Dr. Eggman said, rather depressed at his statement.

"He's right, ya know," Little Mac pointed out. "Better late than never, Angel Boy."

"Sorry, guys," Pit said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Not trying to belittle you or anything. We've had a long night."

Suddenly a smattering of neon lights began glowing from within the rectangle's opened doors.

"Stand back," announced Lucina, drawing her Parallel Falchion. "I do believe there is some infernal spell at work here."

She walked forward through the steamed coolant and craned her neck up until it hurt. She could barely see the top of the Giant Mecha that loomed within the big gray box. Its body was a hodgepodge of different types of metals, styles, and influences, and completely overloaded with weaponry, to the point where it appeared to have been designed by a spastic ten-year-old boy on a sugar rush, pouring his soul out into a sketchpad in the middle of math class.

I mean, forreal, there were guns coming out of its ass, its forearms, and even its shoulder blades. Armpits housed spiky-tipped seeker missiles. And from its crotch, you guessed it – a rather large railgun jutted forth – so large, in fact, that it would have thrown off the Mecha's balance if it were not for its huge backpack, which was filled with ammunition, fuel, and twin hilts housing massive energy swords. So many lens flares reflected off the metal beast, Michael Bay and J.J. Abrams would have exploded in each others' pants just looking at it.

Every single aspect of the Mecha was completely asymmetrical, to the point where it was doubtful whether it could actually maintain its balance in the event that its restraints were disengaged.

"Don't worry, miss," Dr. Stiles said. He adjusted his glasses and looked her straight in the eyes to assure her. "She can't hurt you. She needs multiple pilots to function."

"What is she?" asked Little Mac, who was feeling rather littler than usual in the large metal monster's shadow. "And how is she even a _she_, what with that giant ding-dong?"

"You know, we never were in agreement over that," said Dr. Light. "Was she supposed to be trans, or-"

"She identifies as a female," Dr. Eggman pointed out. "That should be enough."

"Is she… overcompensating for something?" asked Captain Falcon rather cheekily.

"Har har," Dr. Wily uttered mockingly. "Like I've never heard that one before,"

"_The Beast _was our greatest collaboration," said Dr. Eggman. "Light designed the power core and conduits. Wily worked on the right side. I did the left. Cortex drafted up the jet boosters and coolant system, Jeff handled the heavy weaponry-"

"Poppycock!" protested Dr. Cortex. "All he did was polish the missile tips once we did all the work!"

"Liar!" Jeff cried. "I drafted the guidance systems, installed the _Predator _shoulder-guns, and came up with blueprints for the Electro-Magnetic Particle Eliminator Cannon!"

"AHEM!" Dr. Wily announced. "That cannon wouldn't work for shit if I hadn't redone the flaws in your power inverter, you four-eyed tool!"

"Them's fightin' words!" yelled Jeff, who proceeded to get into a bitch-slapping fight with Dr. Wily.

"Um, not to prolong the drama," said Dr. Light, "But I do believe I perfected the _Zero Sword_, which is technically considered a heavy weapon_._"

Dr. Wily kicked Jeff in the crotch, downed a can of Duff beer, and tossed the empty can at Dr. Light's face. It rebounded off of his forehead. "Can it, Santa! Nobody cares!"

Dr. Light rolled up his sleeves and marched on over to punish his longtime rival.

* * *

**VI. Calm Like A Bomb**

Just when Samus thought her gunship was done for, twin yellow lasers fired into the dark beast chasing them down, halting its advance.

"Who was that?" asked Kirby.

Samus knew. She recognized the lasers_._

"It's the_ OG Great Fox_," she said. "Someone's lookin' out for us."

A pulsing electric energy blast emanated from the pursuer, damaging Zapdos. Thankfully, another round of yellow lasers hit their shadowy opponent rather hard.

Falco contacted the gunship and Metal Gear Ray from atop Skarmory. "Guys! Somethin's happening to that beastly thing!"

Samus peeked out of her window. It was true. The humanoid creature was undergoing a transformation. It turned into a dark four-limbed beast with a giant gaping maw and a recurved, scorpion-like tail, and everywhere it ran or leapt, platforms manifested to catch its steps.

It ran up to the approaching Metal Gear Ray and its humongous head phased in and out of existence. When it returned, it smacked the bipedal weapon so hard it caused a huge dent in the fuselage.

"FUCK!" Toon Link cried. He'd been knocked off the Metal Gear and just barely managed to use his hookshot to recover onto its back again. "Don Weegee, can't we attack from a distance?"

"No can do," replied Luigi. "We're outta missiles!"

The beast quickly chased the ship down. It leapt up and its jaws clamped down onto the Metal Gear's tail.

"There ain't gonna be an end to this unless we do somethin' drastic!" Toon Link yelled.

Luigi struggled to boost away, but the beast was yanking the Metal Gear this way and that with its powerful jaws. "Link! What are you doing?"

"I am a leaf on the wind," Toon Link said, and whipped out his Master Sword just before landing onto the death-dealing mass.

He stabbed it multiple times, and then latched onto the beast's back with his hookshot and peppered it with a smattering of bombs and slashes. Its scorpion-like tail tried many times to stab Toon Link, but the Hylian used his sword hand to slash away the sharp stinger, and his shield to block it.

Toon Link held tightly as the beast tried to buck him off his back. Even without a grip meter, the Hylian found with some dismay that just hanging onto the feller was way harder than it looked in _Shadow of the Colossus._ "Fuck off, you fugly fuck!"

At long last, Don Luigi managed to break Ray free of the jaws, but the evil thing would not relent its assault on the unwanted passenger currently slashing it up. When next the dark one phased in and out of three-dimensional existence, it reappeared and hit Toon Link straight on.

"AHHHHHH!" the Hero cried. He slammed into The Fourth Wall and rebounded. The beast drew the Hero of the Winds into its mouth and crunched. Toon Link disappeared completely; nothing remained of him.

"TOON LINK!" Luigi wailed.

"NO!" Falco and Samus protested in unison.

But the Don had no time to retaliate; as soon as the Metal Gear appeared to be within safe range, it was confronted with another major threat.

A glowing blue humanoid creature phased into being from an inter-dimensional portal and spread its glowing wings.

"Look out, Don!" advised Falco.

Luigi banked the Metal Gear a second too late – Tabuu's pulsing shockwave attack not only intensified the hull damage, it acted as an electro-magnetic pulse that temporarily shorted out the Metal Gear's apparently infallible electric system.

"Hell naw!" said Luigi.

He left the cockpit and stood atop the Metal Gear's back, taunting the blue beastie and drawing its attention away from Samus. "Quit with a-the hacks and come and a-get me, motherfucker!"

"Do your worst, Luigi," the disembodied voice of Satoru Iwata replied from the ether. "If you were a truly just Don, you would have put your people's well-being first and worked with us."

"I'll never a-compromise my principles!"

"You're ignoring reality," Mr. Iwata said as Tabuu spun around, transformed into a large, high-speed arrow of shiny death, and made a beeline for the plumber.

Luigi dodged the incoming attack and hit Tabuu with his aerials. "Big a-difference! I'm a-staring it in the face and saying, 'I don't a-like what I see, and I'ma do something about it'! That's what a-rebellion is all about!"

"The only rebellions history remembers are the successful ones," said Mr. Iwata. "This one will go down as an epic failure. Just let that sink in for a minute."

Tabuu's ridiculously long energy whip lashed onto Luigi's ankle and dragged him around in a circle.

"Like father, like son. Stubbornness shall be your undoing."

Don Luigi closed his eyes and prepared for the worst, but out of nowhere a quick sword slice cut the energy whip. He felt more than one pair of hands grab him before he could launch into deep space and draw him onto the back of the Metal Gear.

Even with his head and eyes spinning, Luigi managed to discern a large mass of concentrated black threads tethered onto Tabuu, holding him back. And just below the deadly opponent… could it have been the _Halberd_?

"Sorry we're so tardy," a very naked Bayonetta said with a wink. "You can punish me later if it suits you, Godfather. But first off, we've got a Master Core to deal with."

"B-Bayonetta?" Luigi replied. He had no idea how the name popped into his head.

She kissed him on the cheek. "Very glad you remember me."

"Don Luigi, where are the others?" asked Popo, who was the other person that helped get him onto the Metal Gear.

"We lost Toon Link… Olimar… GW… The others… they're fighting… they need help…"

As Bayonetta's hair struggled to suppress Tabuu's attacks, Luigi and Popo watched as King Dedede and Marth were double-teaming the invasive blue dude.

Marth slashed relentlessly with his aerials and charged Shieldbreaker move, while Dedede used everything at his disposal to whittle down Tabuu's health.

They appeared to have been somewhat familiar with his moveset, something that might have been attributed to muscle memory from the time of filming _The_ _Subspace Emissary_.

Meanwhile, the black shadow beast - Master Core - was still at large, and had turned its attention to things larger than itself – namely, the _Halberd_.

"This a-thing is a fuckin' freak of nature," Don Luigi said over the comm. "We need to a-kill it."

"No can do," Samus told him. "We've been hit, badly. _Great Fox_, come in!"

Fox McCloud appeared on the video feed. He looked rather worse for wear. "Uh, hi."

Samus put aside the embarrassing display Fox had put on earlier when he'd wrecked their already awkward relationship, and focused on the task at hand.

"Yes. Hi. We need to dock."

"You women and your emotions. We can talk later," Fox replied, still kind of dazed from hearing the revelation that he was supposedly a character in a video game. "Can't you see there's a battle going on-"

"DOCK! Let me land with my passengers so I can repair my gunship!"

"Oh, well why didn't ya say so? Headin' to your position."

* * *

**VII. Us and Them**

"Why does a random woman like you deserve to be in _Smash _while I'm relegated to the sidelines?" Sora whined to the Mother of Lumas as he got back onto his feet. "It's not as if Snake and Sonic originated on Nintendo consoles! I'm a star, too, you know! I've sold over ten million games!"

"I do believe your frustration is misplaced," pointed out Rosalina, who commanded her Luma to fire star bits upon the poor child, catching him in hitsun. "You should be taking it out on whoever designed your wardrobe. Or do you just happen to have unreasonably large feet?"

"Cheeky old cougar!" Sora cried. He closed the distance and counter-attacked Luma's powerful punch (forward-smash). Luma was knocked away, in which time Sora attempted a slide-kick.

Rosalina dodged the kick by performing a pivot cancel and short-hopping into the air facing away from her opponent. She smacked Sora in the face with her Galaxy-spawning back-air kick, then chased him down and used a forward-air flip-kick to knock him away as a differently-colored Luma returned to be by her side.

Princess Peach approached to assist Rosalina, but Sora swung his keyblade around in a wide arc and smacked them both. He leapt into the air to perform a vertical Hurricane Period spin on Rosalina.

However, Rosalina saw Sora's attack coming and air-dodged, leaving him vulnerable to Peach's thwacked crown (forward aerial). Its gemstones cut into the kid's pale face, leaving a deep gash.

"What gives?" Sora demanded, but he missed his chance to face the princess, as he just realized he'd been bopped clear across the map. Peach was now with Yoshi, fighting the Chorus Kids and Duck Hunt Duo.

"Get up, you worm!" Black Mage commanded, yanking Sora up and slapping him upside the face. Sora stood back to back in a triangle with him and Red Mage and carefully slashed any approaching enemies.

"This is the optimal spot for item spawns, I just _know _it," Red Mage pointed out. "We've just gottta hold our ground and we're bound to get something good!"

A Master Ball spawned from between Sora's legs.

"What's this thing?" the kid asked, inspecting the ball.

"GIMME!" demanded Red Mage, who yanked it from the kid's hands and tossed it at Ike, who was now approaching them with Ragnell raised high, ready to strike.

"DAMN YOU ALL!" Ike yelled. He grabbed the Master Ball in mid-air and threw it back to the others.

Out popped a Goldeen, which flopped uselessly on the floor.

"That was a close one," Fighter said merrily, and stomped on over to challenge Ike to battle. He was using a rather bizarre weapon; it resembled two giant swords tied together at the hilt with a chain.

"Huuuwaaaaahhhhhh!" cried Fighter in his best Bruce Lee impression. He twirled the twin swords before him like a madman.

"What the hell kind of a weapon _is that_?" Ike asked, genuinely curious.

"SWORD-CHUCKS!" Fighter exclaimed zestily. "Aren't they just the coolest?"

(**A/N:** Credit for sword-chucks goes out to Brian Clevinger, creator of the riotously funny_ 8-Bit Theatre_!)

Ike tallied off the reasons on his fingers. "They look (A) stupid, (B) extremely dangerous to use, and (C) tacky as all hell."

Black Mage and Red Mage were laughing at their co-worker's embarrassment, even as Thief nearby was being flambéed by Donkey Kong's fire rod.

"This is seriously a viable weapon mod! I'll show you!" Fighter insisted, and twirled his impossible weapons in a ridiculous dance.

Ike rolled his eyes. He countered an incoming hit and retaliated with a down-tilt to knock the swordsman into the air. Fighter swung his sword-chucks in an attempted defensive move while backing off, just barely dodging a deadly up-smash.

Thinking that he'd found his chance to attack, Fighter ran in with a dash attack. But Ike simply planted Ragnell into the ground – one of the sword-chuck blades rebounded off his legendary weapon, swung back hard, and nearly slashed Fighter's head off, exposing about sixty percent of his neck.

"Not so tough now, are you?" Ike told him as blood spurted all over his outfit.

"Uh, a little help, guys?" The Nearly Headless Fighter asked of his buddies.

Red Mage and Black Mage cast Blizzara and Meteor spells upon the Hero of Blue Flames, but Ike powered through them with a charged-up Quick Draw move. He cut through their guard and sent them both flying.

Meanwhile, Sora attempted to strike Ike from the side while he was recovering from the move. But Diddy Kong kicked the _Kingdom Hearts _hero in the jaw, knocking out several teeth.

"UWAAAAH!" Diddy yelled as he used his dash attack to further knock the kid away from Ike.

Takamaru squinted at the rather unbalanced situation.

_We doth possess greater numbers, _he thought. _Yet, verily these tramps hath more training, discipline, and finesse, as well as awareness of the peculiarities of this realm's physics._

"Be it the right time, m'lord?" he asked Mr. Iwata over the comm. channel.

Nintendo's CEO was still squeezing through the crazy crowd. "Yeah, go ahead. Seen Miyamoto anywhere?"

"Afraid not, m'lord."

Takamaru pushed a button on his smartphone and a gaping portal manifested, from which stepped a very large and very angry Giga Bowser.

"Oh, brother," said Ness, who was dodging tail swipes from Rayquaza and hitting him with PK Fires. To avoid getting stuck between a rock and a hard place, he ran from the Legendary Pokemon and used his PSI Magnet to absorb Giga Bowser's flamethrower and recover some health.

As Ness was absorbing the flames, Rayquaza's body slam attack came out of nowhere and knocked him deep into the fray.

"Look out!" cried Rosalina, who jumped in and used her Gravitational Pull to shield Ness from a thrown Bob-Omb.

"Fie! By my sword!" Frog cursed, and drew his sword in preparation for the return throw.

But Rosalina threw it towards Giga Bowser instead, preventing the giant beast from headbutting Donkey Kong.

"GWARRRR!" Giga Bowser roared, and trampled several of the Wonderful Ones as he made his way across the battlefield towards the Mother of Lumas.

"I'm… not sure that was a good idea…" Rosalina said. "Run, Ness!"

But the kid adjusted his baseball cap. "No more running for me!"

He charged up a PK Flash and sent it towards Giga Bowser. He managed to stun the monstrosity, but there was no avoiding Mach Rider's futuristic motorcycle, which rammed into both Rosalina and himself, knocking them out of breath.

Mach Rider came back around on her bike, this time popping a wheelie, using jets to power into a somersault, and firing upon the duo with her machine guns (which Rosalina Gravitational Pulled and held in her hands) before running them over again.

"Is there no end to this?" grumbled Ness. He'd just taken a severe beating.

The helmeted woman descended her bike and cracked her neck.

She turned to witness an injured Kyogre, Charizard, and Zapdos approaching and distracting Giga Bowser. Falco leapt off of Skarmory to help out.

"You all disappoint me so much," she said, now addressing Ness and Rosalina. "If I'd been in charge at the Smashgrounds, I would never have let pathetic non-badasses in. You're a kid, and she's a damsel. None of you belong in a fighting game."

"Excuse me," Ness pointed out. "But I'm not your ordinary kid."

He smacked Mach Rider in the knees with his baseball bat.

"And I'm not afraid to hit a girl, especially one that doesn't respect right-of-way laws!" he continued.

Rosalina watched rather horrified as Ness kicked off Mach Rider's helmet, took his bat to her face, and beat her senseless.

"I've been beaten up, had my mind messed with, and my friends kidnapped and tortured!" Ness continued. "For months I've been forced to fight people I don't want to fight, and I've never felt more confused and conflicted in my life!"

There was a tap on Rosalina's back. "Freeze," a voice said.

She spun around to face King K. Rool's blunderbuss. He, Dark Samus, and Crono had her surrounded.

And she and Ness weren't the only ones in trouble. Link was being overwhelmed, fighting both the Omega Pirate and the Duck Hunt Duo. Mario was struggling against Paper Mario, Geno, and Mallow.

The Wonderful 101 had come to an agreement and were attacking with four different Unite Morphs against Ganondorf, DK and Diddy. Donkey Kong lured the CENTINEL forces over to fight near Giga Bowser, making friendly fire between the giant Koopa and the Wonderful Ones inevitable.

Travis was not only fighting Ridley and E. Gadd, but the remaining two Elite Beat Agents.

Impa and Mr. Miyamoto were still making their way over to free Snake and Lucas.

Peach, Zelda, and Shulk were dealing with Marle, Lucca, Samurai Goroh, Starfy, Clefairy, and Splatoon's Inklings, and the newly arrived Falco was trying to keep Wario and Dixie Kong from hindering DK and Diddy.

Sure, Ike was holding his own against the Light Warriors, and with the dwindling resources of the Pig Mask Army, Bowser Jr. appeared to be winning the 'Yo Momma' contest. Not to mention the Female Wii Fit Trainer was busy trying to re-calibrate the Male Fit Trainer's largely disconnected muscles… but at this rate, they were going to lose.

"What's the point?" Rosalina asked them. "Children beating women. Pokemon beating each other. Wonder-Pink beating off whoever she wants. Men fighting giant pirate beasts. And all for a company's profit margins…"

"Humans created us," Dark Samus replied. "They exist in the physical universe. They're simply _better_ than us."

"But can't we co-exist with them peacefully? Think about it for a second! Is becoming a member of the Smashgrounds really worth it if you and a few other DLC characters are going to be the only ones living there?"

"I… don't know," King K. Rool said, seemingly truly saddened.

"If Mr. Iwata can freeze us and treat us like trash, there's no denying that can happen to any and all of you. You've been around the block, K. Rool. You were friends with Bowser, right?" she told him. "There were pictures of you guys in the album. Is this really what you wanted? To live in luxury knowing you had to freeze your friend forever to do so?!"

"It won't matter to me!" K. Rool replied, covering his ears. "My memories will be gone!"

"Except they won't! They'll keep coming back, just like ours do!"

"STOP IT!" yelled K. Rool, and was about to hit Rosalina in the face, only he hesitated. "D'awwww. You're right. We shouldn't even be here…"

He put down his blunderbuss, stunning both Crono and Dark Samus.

* * *

**VIII. People Are Strange**

Dr. Eggman held back Dr. Light as he leapt atop Dr. Wily and smacked him in the head repeatedly with a hardbound three-volume collected edition of Alfred North Whitehead and Bertrand Russell's "Principia Mathematica", knocking the old Doctor senseless.

"APOLOGIZE!" Dr. Light belted maniacally.

"NEVER!" screamed Dr. Wily.

"Break it up!" Dr. Eggman bellowed. "Let the record reflect that _ALL_ of us put in time with regards to the weapons! We never could even agree on a name.

"We just call her _The Beast,_" Derek Stiles explained to the Smashers.

"It's got a nice ring to it," Captain Falcon admitted. "Who actually put her all together, though?"

"The droids did," said Dr. Light, who pointed over to some Mettaurs and Grounder bots. "They're the real muscle that built our baby."

"Babe I'm gonna leave you," said Mother CAST. "Baby punch-gate. Itty bitty baby. Itty bitty boat."

Just then, Gex rode a floating platform up to _The Beast's _central chest piece and inspected it.

"I don't believe it!" exclaimed the gecko.

"HABEEB IT!" Lady Fi telepathically screamed.

"TWINKIE HOUSE!" Adeleine howled, punching Klonoa in the face and completing the meme.

"Owwww!" Klonoa bellowed, spitting out a mouthful of blood. "Why I oughta-"

"Shut yer pieholes, fellas! We got some bad news," Gex said. "Proto Man took the Infinity Core again."

"Not again!" Dr. Light screamed. "That really throws a wrench in our plans."

Dr. Eggman facepalmed. "What even does he do with that thing, anyway? Power a nuclear reactor?"

"You just can't keep a good 'bot down," Gex replied with a shrug. "He's probably using it to take over some under-powered Sub-Universe."

Captain Falcon shushed the group. "Hey! You guys hear that? It sounds like a V9000 twenty-cylinder _Excitebot_ engine with Nitrous boosters and… wow, that sound system… twenty-inch subs?"

Followed closely by Lucina, Captain Douglas leapt atop a nearby junk pile. The approaching _Excitebot _blasting _Caramelldansen _screeched to a stop not too far from the gathering, and the foursome leapt out from it. Because of the flood of steam, he couldn't quite make out who they were.

"We've got company!" he yelled, and descended the junk heap to join the others.

"No! My eyes must be failing me!" Lucina wondered aloud, squinting at two robed figures, who shared a quick kiss. "She- she _wouldn't_!"

The _Brawlers Without Borders _immediately readied themselves for battle. But no one was ready for the excitement of four familiar folks rounding the nearby corner, passing the ruined remains of Eggman's Big Arm from _Sonic 3_.

"Dr. Light!" exclaimed Mega Man.

"Mega Man!" Dr. Light said, and fell into hugging his favorite 'bot. "How I missed you."

"Mother?!" Lucina yelled, noticing Robyn holding hands with her look-alike. "I didn't want to believe it, but… you… and my fiancée! How could you? What would dad say?!"

"Didn't you get the memo?" Robyn said drolly. "I ain't your momma, Lucy. I just played her in one of many scenarios in _Awakening. _And Chrom isn't your biological father, either. You're a digital being, born of Mother CAST."

"I refuse to believe your lies! You're an impostor! My real mother was never so cold. And as for _you,_" Lucina growled in a threatening voice, the tip of her blade pointed under Robin's chin. "You have a _lot _of explaining to do, mister."

Robin held his hands up in surrender. "L-L-Lucina… how could you forget…? We worked together on set for over a year. I… I just read the lines... I assure you, if you look through the evidence, you'll see that you and I… well, to say there was nothing would be a lie. But believe me, it was never really serious."

"_NEVER REALLY SERIOUS_? How many countless battles did we fight alongside one another? How many-"

"If I may. Re-examine those memories," interjected Robyn, "I believe you'll find that, canonically, Robin and I were never in the same place at the same time. You're confusing the outcomes of multiple scenarios. Look within, Lucina. You'll see that the truth is rather simple. What you know as your life is all the result of an act. The events in Archanea… they're all a part of a cinematic production that we all took part in."

Lucina grabbed her aching skull. "This can't be true! It's… it's highly improbable! The whole thing's a farce!"

"Gawd. Lucy darling, Love the hair, but you're developing a baaaaad case of BNS," said Ghirahim.

"Hang on, let me examine her," observed Dr. Stiles, who stuck an otoscope into her ear for no reason at all. "Ah, that explains it. It appears she has _Buzz Lightyear Syndrome_."

The other Docs nodded in agreement.

"There must be some mistake. I never drink light beer," Lucina told him after swatting away his device and noticing his intrigued expression. "Don't get fresh with me."

"Trust me," said Dr. Stiles. "I'm a Doctor. _Of loooove._"

Lucina backed away from him as if he were contagious.

Adeleine laughed. "Don't worry, kiddo. He's a harmless doormat who simply hasn't had sex for a very long time."

"HEY!" Dr. Stiles yelled.

"What happened to you, Lucina, is a rather normal occurrence. You must've spawned from the pod a tad too early," said Dr. Eggman.

"I… think we can blame Palutena for that, too," said Pit. He was staring anxiously at Lady Fi, who was making dust angels on the floor with her flowing cape-arms and mumbling strange nothings.

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van. King Arthur can never count to "three" in _The Holy Grail_. Three is a prime number. Optimus is a seven-letter word. Optimus is prime. Transformers was a cartoon. _My Little Pony _is also a cartoon. Gabe Newell is a brony. _Half-Life 3_ confirmed. You don't know shitposts until you have knelt before a Reddit circlejerk and tasted its multi-flavored cum pies. _The Legend of Korra _is also a cartoon_. _I shall make a deliberate troll post to get fans bickering over whether Avatar Korra's better than Avatar Aang just to tabulate the results. Then I will personally dox every member of the forum and sell the market research data to Nickelodeon. The showrunners will worship me."

"I can't even… Someone shut her up before she causes a shitstorm," said Klonoa.

Dr. Wily grabbed a fishbowl and shoved it over Lady Fi's head.

But it was Ms. Pac-Man who was the most freaked out upon seeing the new arrivals. "HOLD ON! That's Mr. Sakurai! How dare you show your face here!" she yelled at Son Goku, who was hiding behind Robyn.

"Huh? Me? Oh, I'm not Sakurai. Name's Goku, Son Goku." He slapped his belly. "Mr. Sakurai swapped his flabby Mii for my bodacious bod, sadly."

"You fuckin' liar! I'd know that smug-ass face anywhere! That's Sakurai!" Ms. Pac-Man wailed, and tossed her bow at Goku. In slow-motion, twin blades ejected, one from each side of the bow, turning it into a deadly shuriken.

Robin caught the bow in his pussy juice-soaked hand and flung it back towards Ms. Pac-Man. Its blades stabbed her in the forehead, knocking her out cold in a pool of blood.

"WHOAA!" Crash shouted.

"Enough of your making others suffer for your personal hatred," Robin told the passed-out sphere. "We've spent far too much time dilly-dallying."

"And shilly-shallying," pointed out Robyn, who offered him half of her marijuana brownie.

"Er, yes, that too, whatever it is," said Robin, and munched on the treat to ease his growing headache. "So, seeing as how the _BWB _is here and there is a missile about to make contact with Silo Gamma, I shall assume you all are planning on taking your Frankensteinian creation to the skies and escaping this mess."

"You got us wrong, tactician. Our days of running away are over, or at least, at a hiatus," said Dr. Light. "The _BWB _shall no more stand by the wayside as the CAST Members get gunned down, over and over again. We're taking Mother to Iwata-san – he is a programming legend amongst the humans. If anyone can fix Lady Fi, it's him."

"Um…" interjected Dr. Cortex. "Not to be a contrarian, but that isn't what I agreed upon. I'm just here to help make sure _The Beast _is still running. As much as I'd love to be a part of its maiden voyage, I'd prefer to live."

"Same here," said Klonoa. "I don't have a dog in this fight. I'm headin' to Eorzea."

"All right, anyone who's willing to risk their lives for a peaceful future for this realm, raise your hands!" Pit shouted.

Captain Falcon, Little Mac, Mega Man, Dr. Eggman, Dr. Light, Dr. Stiles, Ghirahim, Midna, and Crash raised their hands.

"All righty," said Dr. Eggman. "Everyone else, hop the shuttle to our satellite base on Mobius. If that's compromised, we'll rendezvous in one of the Azeroth backups. Just check your IMs."

"Gotcha, Ivo," said Adeleine, who led Dr. Wily, Dr. Cortex, Jeff, Vyse (who was carrying Ms. Pac-Man), Gex, and Klonoa back towards the bunker. "We'll round up the others and head out to the planet. There's about an hour or so till the morning train. Try not to die out there."

Dr. Wily hung his head. "Robotnik, if this is it, well… I'm sorry for being such a dick all the time. I'll hang onto the DM guidebook and character files until ya return."

"It's cool, Broseidon. Take care of Neku for me, he will not understand," Dr. Eggman replied, and the _BWB_s took turns hugging each other.

"WAIT!" exclaimed Dr. Light upon noticing that Mega Man's crotch was sparking like a frayed live wire. "Whip out your Johnson!"

"In… in front o' all these people?" Mega Man replied, rather embarrassed.

"Shyeah."

And so he did. Dr. Light and Dr. Eggman recoiled in shock.

"It… looks like you've contracted every known virus. You've got HIV, HPV, The Clap, Beiber Fever, Adware, Spyware, the Pokerus, and even a subscription to_ The Elder Scrolls Online_!"

"What do I do, Doc?!" Mega Man cried. "WHAT DO I DO?!"

"There's only one thing _to _do," said Dr. Light, who whipped out a chainsaw.

"NOOOOO!" cried the Blue Bomber.

"Oh, wait. Sorry, wrong instrument," Dr. Light laughed, and pulled out a screwdriver.

Mega Man grabbed his crotch and tried to run away, but Little Mac and Captain Falcon took the android by either shoulder and laid him back down.

"ANYTHING BUT MAH WEINER! NOT MEGA MAN JUNIOR! NOOOOO!"

"We're running out of time!" Dr. Light bellowed. "Do you want a new cock, or do you wanna be a eunuch? 'Coz if it isn't coming off now, there's not gonna be much left of you in a few hours but a melted motherboard!"

"No time for this shit!" yelled Dr. Eggman. He pulled out a lightsaber and chopped Mega Man's penis off.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" cried Mega Man. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Hey, ain't you a robot? You shouldn't be feelin' any pain," said Little Mac.

"The pain is on _the inside_, Mac," Mega Man told him as oily tears flowed down his cheeks. "The _inside._"

"That's what she said," Mac quipped. "Now you's gots the same parts as a grill."

Mega Man slammed his head against _The Beast's _metal toes. "WORST. NIGHT. EVER."

"Worry not," said Dr. Light. "We'll get ya a new package in no time flat."

With gloves and face masks on and a few dozen tiny android helpers at their disposal, Doctors Light and Eggman quickly swapped out Mega Man's dick and assembled a new one in two minutes.

"All better," Dr. Light told him.

Mega Man checked out his junk. It was now rather spiffy, almost exactly the same size as the old one, and shinier, albeit with a few less bells and whistles.

"Phew, glad that's over. Thanks, Docs."

"Let's not speak of this again," Dr. Eggman said, washing his hands with bleach.

Once all that shit was sorted out, the Docs took everyone up on _The Beast's _elevator and into the main room, which was set into a large dome in the Mecha's chest. Its interior resembled the two-layered _Ninja Megazord _cockpit, only it was more spacious, had a fully-stocked cooler and a swanky sound system, and hosted arcade-like controls at several battle stations.

Midna would pilot the head, which mostly consisted of firing lasers from its fiery eye sockets.

Captain Falcon was in charge of the right arm, with Little Mac in charge of the left.

Lucina and Ghirahim ran the right and left legs, respectively. Lucina was more than a bit peeved about not getting the coveted right arm (which was decided by drawn straws), but resigned herself rather quickly.

Pit and Goku had the wings (which were really for decorative purposes) and movement jets, while Robin and Robyn were to micromanage the plethora of turrets.

Meanwhile, Crash Bandicoot was simply manning the railgun.

Doctors Eggman and Light squeezed into the back of the cockpit, tending to Mother CAST. They were trying their best to wake her from her meme-spouting daze.

And last but definitely not least, Mega Man would be standing in for the Giant Mecha's Infinity Power Core, with Chibi-Robo acting as a conduit between the Blue Bomber's power system and _The Beast's _interface.

"Why do I gotta sit in the nuclear reactor?" he asked Dr. Light.

"Oh, shush. You're the only one here who's got an unlimited power core. Your hopeless brother ran off with the original core, no doubt to create an Iron Man suit and nuke some hopeless place to smithereens."

"I have a brother?!"

The hatch slammed shut and Mega Man felt a strong jolt as Chibi-Robo drew excessive amounts of power from his body.

"GYEAAAAAHHH!" Mega Man screamed as a fiery inferno spouted from his eye sockets. He saw in his mind's eye the four other guys from his Final Smash – whether these were visions or they were truly reaching out to him, he could not tell. But they gave him strength.

"You just gotta belieeeeeeeeeeve!" MegaMan .EXE told him.

"Pain is temporary. The legend lives forever," X said with a gangster nod.

Mega Man Volnutt mock-saluted his buddy. "I know you've had a rough night. But you gotta love and be excellent to yourself, man. That's all I can say."

"Is this thing on? Hey, that's _my _voice!" Transcode 003 Mega Man managed.

_Thanks, guys. I'll seeya the next time I get one o' them shiny balls._

Seated just above Mega Man in their control room, the others performed their pre-flight checklists.

"I don't know what the fuck any of this means," said Little Mac.

"Leave it to me," Captain Falcon said. "I'm a pro at figuring out complicated pieces of machinery. Uhh… where's the ignition again?"

Dr. Eggman waddled over and hit a big red button that no one should have been able to miss.

The reassuring voice of GLaDOS greeted them. "Welcome to _The Beast_. Launching in ten…"

"Looks like Wily forgot to install the seatbelts, fellas. So hang onto your butts!" Dr. Eggman laughed. "Let's see if this thing can actually fly!"

"Nine…"

"You mean it's NEVER FLOWN BEFORE?" Goku screamed. He tried to run to the exit, but Dr. Light blocked it off.

"Eight… Seven…"

"It's sure to work this time! The fucking Force is with us, mang!" Dr. Light exclaimed.

But the others were not so sure.

"Six… Five…"

"Here!" Midna called, yanking some old costumes from a storage closet. "Put on these color-coded cosplay outfits! They'll help!"

"Four… Three…"

"In case I die, I just want you all to know that I love all of you," said Crash. "Except you, Dr. Eggman. You're a fucking fatass dickhead and the worst DM in existence. I don't care if you die in a fire."

"Two…"

Dr. Eggman's lower lip quivered. "Crash… w-w-why?"

"One…"

"…NOOOOOT! Jay-kay, bruh!" the bandicoot yelled and laughed at Dr. Eggman's salty tears until he couldn't breathe anymore. He fell onto the floor of the cockpit.

"LIFTOFF!"

As Mega Man felt like his heart was about to burst through his chest, _The Beast _launched off its platform and soared into the sky.

* * *

**IX. Sleep Now in the Fire**

"We can't hold it much longer…" Palutena tried to tell the Pokemon all helping to hold the missile back.

Even with the help of the Centurions, a very large net, and Dragonite, Gyarados, Tyranitar, Garchomp, Sceptile, Salamence, Emboar, Blaziken, and Machamp, the jets on this particular missile were not to be underestimated.

Another squadron of Eagle's Fighter jets and Bombers zoomed past and fired upon the contingent.

Dragonite Ice Beamed one out of the air, but the others flew around for another pass.

"Don't they know we're trying to _stop _this from blowing up?" Dark Pit growled. "Fucking idiots!"

"They're just following orders," Palutena replied.

"Piiiiika pi!" exclaimed Pikachu, who was down on the wrecked surface alongside a very doll-like Lucario.

"What's he sayin'?" Pittoo asked Meowth, who was riding a nearby Dragonite. The Dragon-type used its entire weight to slow the weapon's descent, and it was working, but only just. They were only thirty feet above ground and closing at about a half foot per second.

"Pika says, it's okay, just let 'er go. We got a Gulpin down here. He'll eat the missile."

Dark Pit looked below. Sure enough, the electric mouse held aloft a tiny green Gulpin.

"I… don't know about this…" Palutena said, panting as her well of magic was being pushed beyond its limits. "There isn't much in the world of Pokemon that makes sense to begin with, Pika dear, but this seems quite Farfetch'd, if you can dig my language."

"Pikaaaa! Chuuuu!"

Meowth translated. "He says, with all due respect, milady, do you have any other ideas?"

"Unfortunately not."

And so they aimed the missile just right, and when the nuclear weapon made one last push through their defensive wall, Gulpin swallowed the thing whole.

Everyone held their breath. People and Pokemon alike winced in preparation for the worst. And then a deathly quiet befell them.

"Man, that was a great idea," Palutena told Pikachu, and picked him up and rubbed her face all against his electric cheeks. "Who's my adorable little genius pimp? That's right, you are!"

Dark Pit was just about to tug on her toga and suggest they scram, but before he could open his mouth, they heard a giant rumbling in Gulpin's belly.

"It's explodin' in his bowels!" Meowth exclaimed, and everyone ran to hide behind Palutena.

"Here… goes… nothing…" she said, and closed her eyes, using the last of her powers to create a shield protecting herself, Dark Pit, the Centurions, Pikachu's surviving groupies, and all the Pokemon.

Not too far after it appeared, Palutena's shield stuttered. She knew it wouldn't last long. But hopefully it would be long enough.

Pitoo looked rather sadly into the doomed Pokemon's unflinching face. _So long, friend._

Pikachu prayed to the Legendaries. _Help us, please._

"Shield your eyes and lend me your faith!" Palutena yelled.

As the allies all huddled together, the missile blew Gulpin into oblivion and took out the entire Silo with him, as well as most of Dracula's Castle. Its remains collapsed to the ground in a flurry.

"I can't… maintain it…" the Goddess apologized, her green hair fraying at the ends. She'd over-extended herself to the point of near-collapse.

Pittoo grabbed her hand tightly in his own, prepared to die.

But just then, Palutena felt that the burden of maintaining the forcefield was lifted from her shoulders.

_Thank you_, she thought, smiling up at the Pokemon who'd stepped in to save them all.

Mewtwo nodded, holding up the shield long enough for the explosion to complete its total annihilation of the facility.

As the naked bodies of the still-humping Dracula and Morrigan flew past them, followed by a ton of Cuccos and huge chunks of debris from the Castle, some of which slammed down to the surface and others which floated into orbit, Palutena fell asleep in Dark Pit's arms.

"Piiiiika piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiika!" (You sure took your sweet fucking time!)

The psychic Pokemon kept his shield up and turned to address the other Pokemon. "Why didn't anyone tell me there was a giant battle going on, like seriously? For a night of unbridled passion with my soulmate, I missed out on all the fun!"

"GWAAAAARRR!" (Fuck! There's a black hole in that vortex!) Blastoise screamed, looking down off the edge of the protective bubble. The nuclear explosion had just uncovered a swirling hole of death within the Moon's core.

"To the Birthing Chamber! It's being protected somehow!" Mewtwo ordered, and all the Pokemon and Centurions ran towards the oddly shielded glass dome as every last remaining shard and structure around them was being sucked into the vacuum.

_Who's creating that shield? _Pittoo wondered. _That sure as hell wasn't there before._

While carrying him, Tyranitar tried to slap Lucario awake, but the Aura Pokemon's body was curled up like a cat.

_Damn it all! _Lucario thought, unable to move. _If only I could do SOMETHING!_

"JIGGLY!" the regenerated Jigglypuff cried, soaring mere feet above the group. Gyarados stuck the very tip of his tail out of the shield to help the Pokemon catch a hold, but the ridiculous power of the vacuum caught onto the tail and drew the Atrocious Pokemon out of the forcefield.

Pikachu tried to grab a hold of Gyarados, but Meowth and Scyther both stayed his hand.

"There ain't nothin' we can do for 'im now," Meowth told him.

The electric mouse wept for his comrades. "Chuuuu…"

A psychic message from Mewtwo caught the Pokemon star's attention. _Everyone! I need your help!_

Pikachu realized that the vacuum was intensifying, making it difficult for Mewtwo to even step forward towards the Chamber. In fact, his feet were sliding back ever so slightly on the ground.

"Everybody push!" Mewtwo telepathically transmitted.

The allies all gathered behind Mewtwo and heaved, pouring their backs into it. They fought the resistance with baby steps, growing closer to the chamber, one step at a time.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you as always for reading! That sure was a lot of words. Tune in next week (hopefully) for the EXCITING SEASON FINALE! That's right, the fun hasn't even begun yet, folks. ;3 If doing so would tickle your fancy, please let me know what you thought of the chapter with a Review! Even a few words are helpful, as every little bit allows me to learn and improve! Faves and Follows are also very much appreciated!


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